WS_0416_WORLD'S END_WSN_1108_WORLD'S END 3/18/16 6:34 PM Page 2
WORLD’S END
IN THE STARS Almost every national constitution forbids the establishment of an official state religion. But this secular bent doesn’t stop people from looking to the heavens for answers to life’s most troublesome questions: Will I succeed? Will I find love? Will I get mistaken for Oprah? Every day, papers, magazines and websites worldwide print horoscopes—projections for people born in a specific month, based on the positions of the stars and planets. While many people rely on these daily, weekly or monthly messages for guidance in their lives, some readers skip over them entirely. The editors of WS recognize that these little pearls of random foresight occasionally prove prophetic. But rather than poring over charts of the zodiac to predict world events, our staff prefers to use past horoscopes in an attempt to legitimize the science. As you can see here, had some of these media figures remembered to consult their horoscopes on significant dates, they could have avoided a few surprises.
Whoopi Goldberg
Justin Bieber
Jodie Sweetin
John Goodman
WHOOPI GOLDBERG
WENDY WILLIAMS
88th Academy Awards wearing a gown that proudly displays her large shoulder tattoo. The website Total Beauty tweets a picture of the African-American actress from the event with the caption: “We had no idea @Oprah was #tatted, and we love it.” The tweet is later deleted, and the company offers to donate $10K to a charity of the stars’ choice to apologize for the gaffe. Horoscope: “You have to learn to forgive and let go, Scorpio, even if it takes baby steps.” (scorpiomystique.com)
Conan, the daytime-TV diva shares an embarrassing anecdote with host Conan O’Brien about the time her 13-year-old son walked in on her giving her husband “a favor” at 2 a.m. “If you walk in on me and my husband, you’re gonna get a surprise,” she tells O’Brien emphatically. “I’ll just tell you this. He got a surprise and he will never do that again.” Horoscope: “A lunar eclipse in your 12th house could reveal information you’d rather keep quiet. Something may slip out and this could be embarrassing.” (thetarotlady.com)
Global distinction: Comedienne & TV personality. Sign: Scorpio (b. November 13, 1955) Significant date: February 28, 2016 Noteworthy activity: Whoopi hits the red carpet at the
JUSTIN BIEBER
Global distinction: Bratty prince of pop. Sign: Pisces (b. March 1, 1994) Significant date: March 9, 2016 Noteworthy activity: The Biebs kicks off his world tour at the KeyArena, where fans shell out as much as $45 for concert T-shirts. One of the tees sold at the event features white lettering that reads: “Many Are The Plans In A Person’s Heart, But It Is God’s Purose That Prevails.” The merchandise with the embarrassing spelling snafu has since been recalled. Horoscope: “If you have the chance to look things over, or reread something you’ve composed, do it. It’s in your best interest.” (weeklyhoroscope.com)
KIM CATTRALL
Global distinction: Sensitive Skin star. Sign: Leo (b. August 21, 1956) Significant date: March 6, 2016 Noteworthy activity: An episode of 60 Minutes misidentifies Cattrall as the mother of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau when it shows a black-and-white photo from 1981 of the English-Canadian actress with the politician’s father, who she was rumored to be dating at the time. The Sex and the City alum—who never actually had any children—jokes about the fact-checking flub on Twitter: “@60Minutes I have a son who is the Prime Minister of Canada? I couldn’t b more proud.” Horoscope: “You may get mistaken for someone else…and while it’s not much more than a passing amusement, it may signify your readiness to take on a new role in your life.” (theokanaganpress.com) 498 World Screen 4/16
Global distinction: Outspoken talk-show host. Sign: Cancer (b. July 18, 1964) Significant date: March 10, 2016 Noteworthy activity: While appearing as a guest on
JODIE SWEETIN
Global distinction: Fuller House’s Stephanie Tanner. Sign: Capricorn (b. January 19, 1982) Significant date: March 4, 2016 Noteworthy activity: Miley Cyrus shares a raunchy throwback pic of Sweetin on Instagram. The photo, which represents the actress’s drug-infused party days, sees her seductively posing on top of a man. “I don’t pay attention to the negative stuff,” she says when asked about the post. “I have so much good stuff going on in my life right now, I just try not to pay attention to anything like that.” Horoscope: “Steer clear of negative people and don’t let anyone bring you down.” (psychiclive.eu)
JOHN GOODMAN
Global distinction: Roseanne alum. Sign: Gemini (b. June 20, 1952) Significant date: March 7, 2016 Noteworthy activity: During an interview on The Howard Stern Show, the actor recalls an awkward encounter he had when he tried to introduce himself to comedienne Kristen Wiig. “She was talking to somebody else, and I was just—I think she’s so great, and the social barriers broke down and I interrupted the conversation,” he confesses. “And she goes, ‘Yeah, I’ll talk to you in a minute....’ I really like her, and it was embarrassing, so I’ll never speak to her again.” Horoscope: “Perhaps it’s best to wait for a better time.... You may need to postpone that dream you’ve had for yourself.” (gladstoneobserver.com.au)