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ove can easily be defined by what it is not: egocentrism. Egocentrism is the inability to take on another person’s perspective, which is the opposite of love. I would go further to say that egocentrism is also actively and selfishly seeking to satisfy our own needs no matter what it may cost others. As humans, we have the propensity to be egocentric when it comes to friendships. Especially today, it can be easy to slip into the habit of trying to get more superficial “friends” instead of striving to build lasting friendships. We may often be tempted to use our friends as a means to satisfy our own needs or to make ourselves happy. But treating another person created in the image of God as a “means to an end” violates God’s intention for our relationships. As Edward Sri, the author of Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love says quite harshly, “Anyone who treats a person as a means to an end does violence to the very essence of the other.” So often, we allow our own feelings to take precedence over the worth of other people. When we take a step away from egocentrism and step toward focusing on the perspective of others, we move in the direction of God’s will for our relationships--toward authentic love and virtue.
Serving another person over self is my definition of authentic love. In any type of relationship, authentic love requires that we reject our own egoism and become attentive to the needs of others. It requires selfgiving, and a total commitment to what is best for the other person. Love is giving of the self. To give ourselves means just that: to limit our freedom on behalf of those we love. Limitation of our freedom might seem to be something negative and unpleasant, but love makes it a positive, joyful, and creative thing. In my very short lifetime, I’ve found that there are at least three different types of friendship, all of which vary in depth and levels of love. The first level of friendship is based solely on any benefits each person gets from the relationship. In such a friendship, each person tacitly agrees to use the other person as long as doing so personally advantageous. This level of friendship is very shallow; as soon as the relationship ceases to be advantageous to one person or the other, it will end. The second level of friendship is what I call a “good” friendship. This type of friendship is based on the fun that the people in the relationship have together. “Good” friends may go to movies together, hang out, and joke around. But they have very little depth
to their communication with each other and engage in very little self-disclosure. This type of relationship is also unlikely to stand the test of time; as good times decrease in frequency, the relationship declines. My ideal of friendship is a virtuous friendship. This type of friendship is friendship in the fullest sense. It unites the friends involved in the pursuit of a common good. In my life, most ultimate “common good” is being in pursuit of God and His will. This type of relationship is the deepest and longest lasting. A virtuous friendship is rooted in self-giving and seeking the good of the other person. A virtuous friendship reflects God’s self-giving love for humanity. Ephesians 2:4-5 says, “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ…” God humbled himself in the most unbelievable way to show his profound love for us. And he calls us to come alongside him and do the same for our friends and neighbors.
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What is perfect love? For years I tried to love others and love God perfectly but failed miserably. With much inner conflict and frustration, I realized that my attempts to love others were really more about me trying to gain God’s and others’ love, affection, and acceptance. It wasn’t truly about loving them. There is only one who loves unselfishly, and that is God. John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Can you imagine sending your child away from a home where there is no sadness, tears, or death -- where the beauty is indescribable and every need is met? Yet, God chose to send His Son to an evil world where Jesus would actually become sin, and God, in His Holiness, would have to turn His back on Him. Can you imagine purposefully turning your back on your child? Can you imagine the pain The Father endured as He watched His Son be spat upon, beaten, betrayed, abandoned, stripped naked, and nailed upon a cross? Can you imagine a child who was so secure in His Father’s love that He willingly gave up His rights as God and perfectly obeyed His Father’s wishes no matter the cost to himself? Philippians 2: 6-8 says “[Jesus] who, though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Jesus left heaven; He left a life of extravagant glory and magnificent abundance and joy to come to a dark, deprived, fallen world to die an excruciating death on the cross. He knew what was ahead for Him and prayed to be released from this horrific burden but ultimately surrendered His will to Heavenly Father’s will – because, being filled with the Father’s love, He loved us. The only way we can love Him or love others is because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19) We must accept His Perfect Valentine – the Life of His Son. In receiving His Son, we have been filled with His Perfect Love. We no longer have to try to love others, we simply allow Christ to love others through us. May we know, experientially, and rest in the breadth and length and height and depth of His incomprehensible love for us so that the fullness of God, who IS LOVE, will fill us up to overflowing and His Perfect Valentine can love others perfectly through us. (Ephesians 3:18-19; 1 John 4:8)
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A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver. -Proverbs 25:11
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MARI FITZ-WYNN, an 18-year veteran home educator, is the mother of six children. For 15 years, she worked as a contract lobbyist and advocate for home educators, and successfully worked to influence legislation on the state level. Through her organization, Heart for Home School Ministries, Inc. (www.heartforhomeschool.org) she works with and supports homeschool families. Mari, is an author and regular contributor to a variety of magazines. She has written two books on home education and a children’s book. A popular and invited feature speaker, Mari travels across the country offering workshops for homeschool conferences, women’s groups, and retreats. Follow her blog: heartforhomeschoolministries.wordpress.com.
Connectonsocialmedia:
facebook.com/ hfhsministries
Twitter.com: @teach_at_home
pinterest.com/ heartforhomesch/
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she knows that loving others, and finding ways to show that love, makes both people feel happy. And truly, who doesn’t feel the love when they get cookies?
My twelve year old son looked at me blankly when I asked him what love is. His eyes glazed over as if he expected another rambling monologue from me and, when none came, he shrugged, “Love is love.” Okay, oh-wise-one. Can you describe it? His answer, “You know it when you feel it.” While he is obviously a young man of few words, the simplistic definition is perfect for him. He doesn’t need to know what love is, or where it comes from, or why it exists…for him knowing it IS, is perfectly satisfying.
I knew my middlest, age 10, would have strong feelings about love and I was not wrong. She didn’t immediately answer when I asked her, what is love? She thought about it for a few seconds, and then a few seconds more. Finally she said, “Love is an emotion you share with the people who are closest to you. The ones who know you the best. It can be a happy feeling or a sad one. It can be fun. Some people love chocolate, or a stuffed animal, or a blanket – those things have memories and remind you of the love you felt.” She is my emotionally intense child, she is wise beyond her years and she blows me away with her huge heart and unique perspective. She understands that love isn’t always Valentine’s Day – that when we love hard and whole-heartedly it can sometimes hurt. She seems to understand that love is a risk, albeit one worth taking.
hat is love? Besides being a song from my youth and quite literally the soundtrack blaring in my head as I type, it’s a question with many different answers and it probably depends on who you ask and when. The dictionary defines love as “an intense feeling of deep affection” or “a person or thing that one loves.” I feel like LOVE is much more than that, so I decided to do a very unscientific poll using some of my family to find out what each of us thinks love really is.
I think love is all of the connections that make our lives worth living.
I asked my 6 year old to tell me what love is. She looked at me like I was nuts and said, “Haven’t you learned that YET?!?” Thanks, kiddo, I appreciate the nod at my advanced age, but I was really trying to get YOUR take on the idea of love. Once she got past assuming the worst about me, she said, “Love is something you give to others, like your family. So they feel good and you feel good.” I was impressed until she said (with a smile and hopeful eyes) “Like cookies. People who love you give you cookies.” Not until after lunch they don’t, but nice try. At her age, I’m sure the idea of love is rather nebulous – not quite definable in terms other than THINGS. Thankfully she is still in a place that she feels loved without conditions and
I agree with all of the ideas my kids have about love and mine are very similar. However, with age comes wisdom (hopefully) and that means my definition has changed over time. Love, to me, is like a puzzle. At the most basic level, we need to find the acceptance and love for who we are without walls and baggage; our essence, our elemental self. That essence reaches out to others and, like a jigsaw puzzle, locks together with their love to enhance our lives, our sense of self, to fill a void, or help us understand life. I feel like my husband’s love puzzle pieces connect with many of my pieces; our bond is strong. But in a puzzle, no one person can fill all of the interlocking tabs and blanks of another person. If that were to happen, all
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of their pieces would be surrounded and eventually swallowed by the pieces of the first person. Instead of seeking just ONE person to connect with, my love pieces reach out to find the love of others – friends, family, pets, faith, even things I am passionate about. All of those aspects lock together seamlessly, adding depth and color to the mosaic jigsaw puzzle that makes up my life. I guess if I had to break it into more simple terms, I would say I think love is all of the connections that make our lives worth living. Like I said, completely unscientific research. But I think it really illustrates how love can mean something different to every person – or even change over time. You can love your spouse, your children, your God, your dog, your baby blanket and your favorite sports team. Each different “love” is what fuels us, what makes us unique, and gives us the tabs and blanks for others to connect with. One thing I do know, love is hungry work. Must be time for cookies.
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Be the Lord of my life Oh, God of my heart By your light ever lead me; Your wisdom impart. I was weak and pathetic. Without any song, But you filled a with music, And now I am strong. Be the spark of my soul Oh, Christ be my fire. Let me burn for Your truth; Let your glory inspire. I flickered like embers In need of a flame, But You breathed on my ashes Till I glowed in Your Name. Be the love in my heart Oh, Beginning and End, Flowing joy through me freely, Sweet Savior, sweet Friend. I was nothing without You, aBut Your love grew a flower Instead of a weed
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by Barbara Elkin
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Abby Alderton
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Michelle Granado
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he sea has always been for me a place of fun and beauty, but also of awe and dread. In my childhood, a trip to the beach was my most treasured outing. Looking out onto the beach, my perspective was so idyllic: water meeting sky, golden sunsets, couples strolling along hand-in-hand, beautiful scenery, children playing in the sand. Yet I knew that just a short distance out into the ocean, the depths began-- depths that I dreaded to even ponder. Dark, unknown, and uncharted waters stirred thoughts of being unable to breathe, unable to find footing. Scary. Sometimes our view of life can be like my perspective of the ocean. The idyllic sunshine and the beauty of the beach are like our golden days—the days when we feel close to God, when we are steeped in faith and hopeful. At these times, things in our life seem to be in perfect harmony—our feet are planted on something, be it sand or earth, our footing seems sure, and life is good.
At other times when we experience life’s turbulence—when it feels like the storms of life are blowing hard against us and threatening to destroy us—we feel there is no hope. Darkness and depth seem to be holding us hostage. Our feet are unable to touch the bottom —our footing is unsure, and the depths are so deep beneath us.
“Behold, the Lord’s hand is not shortened, that it cannot save, or his ear dull, that it cannot hear.” - Isaiah 59:1
Those depths in our life can be depths of despair, loneliness, depression, grief, and anxiety. We can begin to feel there is no way out, and no one to help. Yet the Scriptures tell us that nothing can separate us from the love of God— no height, no depth:
God made you, he knows your circumstances, he knows your future, and he knows your past. All you have to do is cry out to God, even from the depths as the psalmist does in Psalm 130:1:
“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” - Romans 8:38-39 God’s love can pursue us to the depths and his arm can pull us out. I want to encourage you, if you are experiencing such a depth —of discouragement, despair, or desolation— that God can reach you.
God can hear your cry for help and his hand can pull you out of the depths. If God has set the bounds of the sea as Jeremiah 5:22 says, then surely he knows its depths as well.
“Out of the depths have I cried unto the Lord. Lord, hear my voice...” Cry out to God for help. Jonah cried out like this from the depths of the ocean and God’s arm stretched out to help him, in the form of a large fish. If God did it for Jonah, he will do it for you. “I called out to the Lord, out of my distress, and he answered me; out of the belly of Sheol I cried, and you heard my voice.“ - Jonah 2:2
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When God reaches in to rescue you, accept his “arm”. God’s “arm” is described in Isaiah 53:1. Jesus is the “arm” of the Lord; he has been sent to save us—to pull us out of the depths of despair, sin, and death. “Who has believed what he has heard from us? And to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?” - Isaiah 53:1 God sent his word to heal us. Jesus is his word. The Scripture says that “the Word
became flesh and dwelt among us”. He sent his word because of his love for us. Scripture says, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. “ (John 3:16) When we receive the sacrifice of Jesus, then we can apprehend the grace and the truth necessary for us to believe that nothing can separate us from the love of God.
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“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. “ - Hebrews 10:23 If Christ is in us, the love of God for us is proved and his word is fulfilled. Nothing can separate us from the love of God.
Issue 2 | February 2017
If you feel led to share your heart and your unique perspective, with women of faith, contact pro31media@gmail.com with the subject line “Care to Share“.