DECEMBER 1, 2016 > WESTERN KENTUCKY UNIVERSITY
WKUHERALD.COM EDITORIAL
OPINION
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@wwpky: would love to see wku draw houston in a bowl. — 1:02 AM - 30 Nov 2016 @amarahdavina: I’m still at awe we had someone from the WKU basketball team start on a NFL team. — 11:30 AM - 30 Nov 2016 @WKUAlumni: Great giving comes from the heart. Thank you for supporting @wku on #GivingTuesday! — 10:01 AM - 30 Nov 2016 Illustrated by Jennifer King
Ho ho herald the herald’s 2016 christmas gifts
That’s all she wrote, folks. The holiday season is arriving as the semester begins to pummel us in ways we didn’t know possible. As with every semester, we at the Herald have been given a lot to write about. As thanks for your generosity, we take this time to return the favor. To the Medical Center, we’re giving you all a prescription for some pain relievers and ice. It must be hard to deal with the constant whiplash of lawsuits and questions. See you soon? For the presidential search committee, we’d like to give each of you your own personalized shot glass. We know choosing the next president can be difficult. Plus, it’d be nice to have something transparent in the committee for once. To our friends over on Twitter at WKU Greek Humor, we extend the gift of gag. You all, or at least one person, seem to be moving away from your self-proclaimed “humor.” At least try to stick with your brand name. We’d like to give the newly elected Bowling Green City Commissioners the gift of empathy. Hopefully that will be enough for them to finally pass a fairness ordinance and the Uniform Residential Landlord and Tenant Act. Potter College of Arts and Letters gets a beautiful life preserver for all their remaining faculty. Are the
department heads seeing some icebergs we aren’t? A new campus map is the perfect gift for students in the advertising and public relations majors. Follow the arrows to find your way to the Fine Arts Center. We give Deborah Wilkins a 500 thread count pillow. She needs a good night’s sleep given all the lawsuits the university keeps finding itself in. To Head Coach Rick Stansbury, we give a Colin Kaepernick jersey. We know you’re a big fan of his. To the Major Redz, we give a lifetime supply of season tickets to WKU football games so they can sit in the student section again. Gov. Matt Bevin is the lucky recipient of a Donald Trump and Mike Pence stuffed animal. Even if the real ones won’t notice you, or follow you back on Twitter, we hope these little guys will give you the attention you’ve been gushing for. To President-elect Donald Trump, we give you a framed photo of James Madison. Hopefully the grave look of the former president and architect of the Bill of Rights will have you thinking twice about unilaterally destroying the First Amendment. However, our hopes aren’t that high. We’d like to give the WKU Police Department the 2003 album “In the Zone” by Britney Spears. The song “Toxic” is on there, and we think
you’d like it. To Cheyenne Mitchell and Michelle Jones, we give you both the justice you deserve. Hopefully those with authority can actually deliver on our gift. To President Gary Ransdell, we gift you with a number two pencil and notebook for all the research we know you’ll be gearing up for during your sabbatical next year. The two should fit nicely next to the sunscreen and paycheck in your tote bag. We give the Talisman some wind beneath their wings. They’re already soaring high and we’re excited to see them reach greater heights. To our beloved Student Publications BSA Brenda, we give you all the cookies and baked goods you’ve provided us over the years. We wish you nothing but love. We give the Confucius Institute the key to their building. We’re starting to worry that you’ve either lost it or it’s been stolen. To the students who saw fit to write some of the more negative chalk comments across campus we give you some free art classes. You could use some work. We give Gordon Johnson a new fishing rod for all those phishing emails you and the IT department have had to deal with. Until next year, everyone.
@Chase_Coffey: Honored to be a key part of creating a Jonesville community memorial scholarship. They gave so much to us (@wku), now we give back to them. — 11:00 PM - 29 Nov 2016 @Hunter_Stuart98: WKU wifi is garbage — 11:48 PM - 29 Nov 2016
@lolab7667: What I wouldn’t give to go back to that one time I found myself in Big Red’s head #WKU #lifegoals — 10:47 PM - 29 Nov 2016 @kenzbby28: Why can’t WKU have a dead week before finals week like other schools? — 9:59 PM - 29 Nov 2016 @kendaaalhahn: Me and Leema just plotted about how to break into WKU’s football stadium and when we turned around the gates were wide open — 8:38 PM - 29 Nov 2016
@TheFredSpecial: *Walking to Mass to print a paper, sees guy w a cool dog” Me: “Hey man, what kind of dog is that?” Guy: “It’s a wolf” #WKU — 7:13 PM - 29 Nov 2016 @JordanAndre23: It’s Tuesday and I’ve made my mind that there’s no way around not blacking out Saturday at the WKU game.. — 3:04 PM 29 Nov 2016
HOROSCOPES
Look above to the stars for finals week woes BY ANDREW HENDERSON HERALD.OPINION@WKU.EDU
Sweet deity above, this semester is almost over and it has been a wild ride. If you’re out there freaking the heck out and currently in a mental state of defcon five, don’t spend your time worrying. Dedicate the rest of your being to worrying. If you slip for even a second, that’s how they get you. “They” being everything you have to get done, learn or cram for over the course of the next week. The minute you slip into a comfortable pace is the minute it’s all over. You’re worried, stressed, tired, hungry and everything else in between. Oh, we’re all in the same boat, fellow reader. We’re all in the same slowly sinking boat. But I come bearing good news. I’ve consulted the stars one last time this semester to help guide us through finals week. Aries –– You probably think it’s a
good idea to cram the night before your big biology final. Well, I’m here to tell you that not only is it a good idea, but it’s likely the best idea you’ve ever had. Imagine all the fun you’ll have reading over that material with your bloodshot eyes. Cancer –– Flashcards are so 2003, so don’t even bother using them to help you memorize those English terms. A better way to study is to tattoo the terms on the inside of your eyelids so everytime you blink you learn something new. Make sure to remove them for the exam; we can’t have any cheaters. Libra –– Libra, the stars are worried about your recent dietary choices. The stars are empathetic about how stressful of a time this is for you, but there are only so many days in a row you can eat Taco Bell and it not have some adverse effect. Buy some celery. Capricorn –– Cut out the middleman, Capricorn. Instead of drinking your favorite Starbucks drink, just
pour that sweet, black tar of caffeine directly into an IV and hook yourself up. That’ll get the coffee into your system instantly. Taurus –– Don’t let the temptation of dropping out of college get to you, Taurus. Minimize that Domino’s Pizza application tab right this minute and get back to studying. There’s plenty of time to work at Domino’s once you finish undergrad. Leo –– The library is a quiet and revered place, Leo. Sure, it’s one you just now discovered, but don’t be rude and loud as people are trying to study. Librarians will be swift in their punishments against those who break the sacred law of silence. Scorpio –– Double check what time your finals are, Scorpio. The stars can’t stress enough how unfortunate it would be in you sat if the middle of Fresh Foods eating chicken, unaware your final was happening. It has happened to people before, Scorpio. Aquarius –– No one has time for
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your cheery disposition, Aquarius. We get it, you’re excited the holidays are coming around the corner, but you save that stuff for later, Aquarius. You pack those carols away until we’ve all made it out on the other side. Gemini –– Gemini, you know the popular online phrase “Pain is temporary GPA is forever”? Well that’s a lie, Gemini. Both are forever. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can escape the pain of this world. Virgo –– Just because future First Lady Melania Trump can plagiarize a speech doesn’t mean you can get away with it, Virgo. Properly cite your sources. Sagittarius –– Don’t transform into a horse in an attempt to get out of your finals. The stars are very specific on how you should not, repeat, should not transform in a horse. Pisces –– The stars have their own finals to study for, Pisces. So just make sure to drink plenty of water or something like that.
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