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BREAKIN’ IT DOWN! P58

CONTENTS

GOOD READING

09 New Year’s Gym Resolutions 10 How to be VIP when You’re SOL 12 Many Hats Lead to One:

An Interview Derek Sheen 14 Everything You Need to Know About the Atom 15 Quick Tips for College Living from Chow.com 18 Frank the Cab Driver 24 Exit Strategies After a One-Night Stand 30 Taking the Journey: A Talk with Rhea Seehorn 32 The “Little” Story Behind Shrunken Heads 34 Going Out on Top

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P90

P30

P48 P66

48 Tips for Snagging the

Perfect Internship 61 College Life Tips 66 Reality Bites 68 How to Succeed with Passive Aggression 81 Managing Your Money 82 Kitchenabiility 84 How Gelatin is Made 90 Uncovering What’s Inside the Unclaimed Baggage Center 91 The Best WorstMovie Marathon

CLUB PICS

71–78 Club pics are brought to you by mycampustalk.com

Totally useless fact: Go,” is the shortest complete sentence in the English languag


breakin’ it down!

FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT 16 You Might be a

Facebook Addict If… 22 Why Parent’s Shouldn’t Text 35 The World’s Most Disgusting Apartment 41 Scheckism 42 Beauty Product Reviews 46 Fashion Reviews P52

52 Music Reviews 54 Sore Thumbs

P42

55 So I’m Sitting in an

Airport Restaurant 58 Gadgets for the New Year 64 Spot the Difference P84 86 Flicks

P09

P24

P34 P91

P54

P10

Totally useless fact: TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

campus talk

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WHAT’S on!

Editors ‘

LETTER Yet Another Fresh Start With the holidays over and a new semester stark in the mind, it’s time to put 2012 and the rumors of apocalypse behind us. Dig out those half-used notebooks and threadbare backpacks and get back out there to finagle your way through yet another semester.

comedian Derek Sheen. In an effort towards self-awareness, we’ve also provided some tips on how to know if you’re addicted to Facebook, a bit of money-managing advice and some easy ways to actually maintain that weight loss New Year’s resolution.

By now your holiday leftovers are gone and your gift cards swiped to mere pennies, so as always, CT has got your back. Learn some quick tips to easy college living with Chow. com’s Austin Pohlen. The holidays were most likely frustrating, so for some much-needed laughter, CT caught up with national touring

So bear down and buckle in, because it’s 2013 and, for the most part, although opinions may vary, the world is still in one piece!

Daniel Sutphin

If you have any comments you’d like to share with CT, send them in to mail@mycampustalk.com and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win prizes!! You may only be entered once, so don’t send us 50 comments thinking you’ll enhance your chances of winning! Employees of Campus Talk magazine, their relatives, their twins from alternate universes and their healthcare providers are prohibited from entering this drawing. Everyone else is eligible to participate… except for pandas. No pandas allowed.

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Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.” Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.

Totally useless fact: A giraffe’s tongue is blue.


pumping iron! BY Kevin Kage Pearson

New Year’s Gym

Resolutions The top New Year’s resolution in the United States is weight loss; however, a little more than half of those people quit after one month. Less than 10 percent actually achieve their goal. Being in shape comes with many perks, such as having self confidence and high self esteem which will show in social settings and at the work place. The month of January hosts the highest amount of gym goers. Most will be new to the world of pain and many will not be there in February. If you are a newbie, some words of advice: please do not sit on the machines and text for 5 minutes between sets and don’t scare off the hot girls by asking them if they need a spot every time you walk by on your pretend trip to the water fountain. If you are a veteran fitness jock, then take the good with the bad. Although you have lost souls floating around your gym space, at least your hotness level has increased.

Gym memberships will be cheaper Gyms will offer sales on yearly rates to attract the thousands of resolutioners to sign up long term. Sometimes it takes money to strengthen a commitment. In the past, I‘ve had friends that would ask me to train them. I would open the gym privately for them only to be stood up. When I charge people to train with me, however, they always show up. People tend to hold onto something more when they are paying for it. Consistency is the key Set one long-term goal with checkpoints every two weeks to keep something within reach. If you go for 20 minutes a day, every day for one month, it equals 10 hours of training. Respectively, while running at 5 mph, a 155-pound person and a 185-pound person will burn 596 and 710 calories (Livestrong. com). A pound of fat is approximately 3500 calories. Doing 20 minutes a day for 30 days can burn between 1.7 and 2.0 pounds of fat. This number is low but very realistic. It is also doing the bare minimum at 5mph and only 20 minutes per day. The United States Department of Health recommends 150 minutes per week of aerobic exercise. Muscle Metabolism Women are afraid to gain muscle because they think they will get bulky. Ladies, you will not get trapz (neck muscles) on your first workout. Men try to get these and spend hours each week for months before seeing results – and men have about 20 times the amount of testosterone. Muscle increases a person’s basal metabolic rate. A pound of muscle burns about 50 calories

per day by just doing nothing. A pound of fat does not burn anything. Someone with 10 pounds of added muscle will burn 500 calories extra each day. Add this number over seven days and you burn approximately 3500 calories. This is why it is much easier to maintain what you have. Women need to hear the magic word “tone”, instead of muscle gain. Tone sounds more appealing to women compared to the word “bulk”. Map out the schedule Keep gym clothes in the car so there is no excuse not to go. Don’t plan rest days. Don’t plan cheat days. Both are to be EARNED, not PLANNED. Besides, rest days tend to occur on their own – life happens, dogs run away, cars break and people sell out. When picking gym buddies, do not pick a partner that is starting as a resolution. Stick with someone stronger, faster and more motivated than yourself. They will not sell you out 5 minutes before the workout with some excuse of work or homework. Pick someone who has already been going to the gym for the last year so you know they won’t change their mind about the resolution. If you really want to do it then you will find the time, and if not, you will find the excuse. If you have trouble waking up and training, sleep with a pre-workout like REDLINE next to your bed so you can take a few sips in the morning and you’ll be wide awake and ready for action. These drinks are super stimulants loaded with B vitamins, caffeine, nitric oxide complexes and amino acids.

Totally useless fact: Robert E. Lee wore size 4 1/2 shoe.

Signs you will see in the next month at the gym: • Grind it Out • If it was easy then everyone would be doing it • Blood is just red sweat • Go Big or Go Home • No Pain No Gain • The weights won’t lift themselves • No four letter words (somehow this ends up on the wall in reference to swearing) Read more: www.livestrong.com Kevin Kage is a certified personal trainer and a teacher of mixed martial arts at F2 Arena & Darkside Athletics. He also works at Complete Nutrition and writes fitness articles for Swolescience.com. For more of Kevin Kage see youtube channel kevinkagemma and visit swolescience.com. IPOD’s are great I find that listening to music at or above 140-beats-per-minute will keep your body in motion. Hop on something simple as an elliptical or Stairmaster and put on a fastpaced song. You will find your feet matching the beat and before you know it, the sweat is running all over the machine. Remember proper gym etiquette and wipe it down. Weight loss and fitness supplements do help and should be used. These will expedite your goals as long as you actually go to the gym and make an attempt at dieting. Proteins do help heal muscles and help with growth. Weight loss products will help with increasing metabolism and burning calories. Make a lifestyle change and attend a gym. Find the love of your life at the gym and not at a bar. The love of the night is found at a bar. At least at a gym you can clearly see what someone looks like without neon club lights glowing. *Other top resolutions are giving up fast food and quitting smoking. campus talk

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I’M KIND OF A BIG DEAL If ever there was a time in your life when it’s next to impossible to look like “The Man” on a date, it’s now. You don’t have any money, contacts, nor anything else going for you that might make others think you’re anything but the frail little boy you really are. But that shouldn’t stop you from trying. Here’s how to look like a total V.I.P. when you are completely S.O.L.

How to Be V.I.P.

When You’re S.O.L. by Brian Hodges

BARS/CLUBS/ RESTAURANTS Sure, a guy with a suit and Platinum Card can afford to buy expensive bottles of wine at nice restaurants, impressing the ladies with the sheer size of his… expense account. But you’ve got exactly $43 to your name. Time for some heavy VIP BS. Assuming you haven’t done all your partying at the freshman dorm, chances are you know at least a couple dozen recent grads. In this economy, that means you know at least a couple dozen bartenders, bouncers and waiters. These people are your VIP makers. After all, there’s just something about that guy who has a rapport with the door staff and gets free drinks at the bar. So work those contacts to their fullest potential and you’ll at least come across as having very important friends in low places. 10

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SPORTING EVENTS Unless you have the most amazing internship ever, you’re not going to be drinking champagne in the owner’s box. But that doesn’t mean you can’t look like you run the joint. If it’s a venue you visit often, do some reconnaissance runs. Look for the little areas a first time fan might not think to notice and take your date for a walk during lulls in the action. Learn the chants and songs that they sing so that you can lead your date with confidence in the stands. Tailgate before the game so she can see that you’re at least a big man amongst fellow sports fans. And to be the ultimate VIP, cheer for the opposing team. No seriously, when you and your date show up in visiting jerseys people will notice. So long as you keep everything good natured, you’ll quickly have a rapport going with your entire section. They may all secretly hate you when your team scores, but their attention alone will make you look like the kind of VIP who can command a crowd.

CONCERTS Nobody is going to mistake you for part of Kanye’s entourage. But that shouldn’t stop you from looking like a VIP with a band who’s just starting out and establishing a fan base. There are any number of local and indie bands playing in the area. Become a fan. Show up at their gigs. Respond to their tweets. Get on their guest lists. Once you’re sure they know your name and face (and aren’t creeped out by your over-the-top, stalker fan vibe) bring a date to the next show. Getting a high five and sharing a drink with the lead guitarist of even some no-name band who just brought down the house (even if it’s just a House of Pancakes) is a huge shot in your VIP arm.

AROUND TOWN Being a VIP is all about looking like you are in command of whatever location you walk into. And with the internet at your fingertips, you can make sure you will be. Get on Facebook or local bulletin boards to find cheap or free events, or places off the beaten path that only a very important man about town would know. Beyond the mere fact that you’ll come across as totally awesome for having the “insider’s scoop” on this obscure festival or that private overlook, there’s also just something intoxicating about a guy who, on a date, isn’t playing the “I don’t know, what do YOU wanna do” game. Show up not only knowing where you’re going, but what you’ll be doing when you get there, knowing that whatever it is you’ve planned is going to make you look fun, smart and in control. All very sexy traits and the mark of a true VIP.

Totally useless fact: If a spider dismantles his web, a bad storm is near.


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Stand Up!

Many By Daniel Sutphin

Hats Lead to

One An Interview with

Derek Sheen Often compared to comedians Marc Maron and Patton Oswalt, Derek Sheen is a self-deprecating, overanalyzing comic currently touring North America. Even before comedy, the stage was not a stranger to Sheen. During his youth, he performed in rock bands, and later in life, served as a roadie for Trey Gunn, a former member of King Crimson. Most recently, Sheen collaborated with producer/engineer Matt Bayles (Minus the Bear, Mastodon), with the endeavor to create an album that is not only comically awesome, but also sonically tangible. Their partnership gave birth to “Holy Drivel”, a further testament to his metal heritage, as the title and cover are an ode to Ronnie James Dio’s album Holy Diver. CT caught up with Sheen fresh off a show in Portland to discuss his stand-up career, his musical background, his obsession with Dio and the many influences and experiences that have made him the performer he is today.

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Totally useless fact: “Tug of War” was an Olympic event between 1900 and 1920.


Stand Up! What made you decide to get into comedy? My mom was a huge comedy fan. She had me when she was pretty young. I think she was 18 when she got pregnant – a child of the sixties, man. She really loved all the subversive culture and there was a lot of political comedy. She was always trying to bring laughter in the house. There was always Bill Cosby, Dick Gregory, Lenny Bruce or [George] Carlin playing in the house. Standup was something that I got into really young, and then I got out of it because I got terrifying stage fright, debilitating stage fright. So I became a band geek and started playing in a rock band instead. That helped me get comfortable. I started wanting to get on the microphone, so I thought, “Okay, I’m ready to do comedy again.” How did your previous experience as a roadie and playing music help you with performing stand-up comedy? The thing that helped me while being a roadie was seeing performers from a different aspect. It was a spot from which I could watch them work together. I was removed; I wasn’t an audience member being entertained, I was in the middle. It was a weird place because I knew these people and could see where their brains went when they were up on stage. Some of that popped into my standup, in connecting with the audience. One part of my brain does the handling of material I’ve already written, and another part does thread assessment of what I’m already saying and what to do next. Who are some of your influences? I loved Lenny Bruce, Dick Gregory, Bill Cosby and Carlin. The old guys, that’s who I really love, Elaine May and Mike Nichols. Steve Martin and Carlin are the two big ones for me. And then there’s Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn. Kyle Kinane is amazing. Another comic that I like that is coming up right now is Rory Scovel. Rory and I did a whole month tour together for a CD release, which is one of the best things that’s ever happened in comedy for me, being able to watch someone whose set is different every time. It was a big influence on me, and really changed the way I approach comedy What’s your favorite part of doing standup? The best part is when you’ve done the work and you get the response from the audience that they’re digging it and having a great experience. I’d rather give them the experience of, “That was a great part of my day,” and not necessarily, “That guy was great.” What experiences do you draw from for material? It’s not 100 percent autobiographical because that would just be boring. A lot of it’s observational stuff too. I do like to take people on a crazy ride or a dark disturbing

story and make it humorous. I like to put things through the filter, talk about things from my life or what’s going on in the news. I’m a huge supporter of gay rights, and I think that comes up in my set a bit. There are issues I’m very passionate about, but I don’t like to beat people over the head. I like to present a side of the issue so people feel like they can keep their side, but I’ve still made a valid point and maybe make people think they feel stupid for feeling a certain way [laughs].

So your album is out, and I have to give you props for the “holy diver” reference. Ahh, yes, I’m so glad you got that. I am a huge [Ronnie James] Dio fan. How much of Dio has been an influence on your work? Dio is one of the people and the images that I gravitated towards because he was tiny, he was loud and he never disparaged a social group. His songs were never about, “I had all this sex with women cause they’re dumb!” He was always like, “I’m skating at night. I’m breaking the rules. I know a wish who lives in a mountain.” And I’m like, “You are a f*ckin’ freak, I love this.” There were always these Tolkien-like quest songs in three and a half minutes. Then, by the next song, we’re going on a new quest. I had the worst breakdown when he died. I was at home recovering from surgery and I was already bummed I couldn’t go to this comedy show that night. Somebody called me and said Dio died of cancer last night. I remember where I was when John Lennon died and I remember where I was when Ronnie James Dio died.

name to it and giving it some legitimacy. The plan was that we were going to actually do an album. I can make sure the jokes for the recording are tight. I want the audience to be as much a part of the album as I am. I don’t want any weird fourth-wall boundaries. What was the process leading up to the production of the album? Mark Allender designed the artwork for me as a gift. When he gave it to me, I said, “I don’t wanna just keep this on my computer, man.” I wanted to get his work out there. I decided to use it as the album artwork, which led to figuring out where to get the money. I decided the album cover would be a good selling point. I started a campaign and a campaign video. People started throwing money at me and all these cool guys started jumping in to help. It was one of those processes where it took on a life of its own. You’re currently promoting a world tour in conjunction with the album. How far along are you on it? I did the first leg of the tour, and I’m going to San Francisco soon and then onto Portland on my birthday. I’ll be doing a few theaters starting in January, and then I’m rebooking another longer run, hopefully, for March and April. I’m doing the show “Sketchfest,” and planning an 18-state tour that will hopefully be done before the summer. It’s more of a North American tour than world, because I’m also hitting up Canada. I do have a few fans in Germany, but I’m not going to Germany for my 10 fans there. Do you like doing theater shows more than other venues? I like to do small black box theaters and rock shows, but I’m trying not to do comedy clubs because I don’t think that’s the kind of audience I want to build right now. People don’t go to a comedy club for a specific person unless it’s someone really famous. Louis C.K. and Patton [Oswalt] really revolutionized stand up because they started getting out of comedy clubs. Now they can do comedy clubs whenever they want because they have their own fans and it’s not just a crapshoot.

You went with Matt Bayles to produce the album. Did you do so because of his previous experience in music with Mastodon’s Blood Mountain and Minus the Bear? Absolutely. Part of it was because comedy albums usually sound like garbage. People don’t care about spoken word. Back with people like Henry Rollins, they had a producer and they wanted things to sound a certain way. They made it so that certain frequencies wouldn’t get annoying. I approached Matt because I wanted someone I respected as a rock producer, but also someone who could give the project some heft by attaching their

Totally useless fact: Tony the Tiger will turn 50 in 2005.

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atomic!

BY Brian Hodges

Everything you need to know about THE ATOM… in 500 words or less The word “atom” is Greek for “indivisible”, but split enough of them down the center and you’ve got yourself a mighty powerful bomb, my friend. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. On the inside there’s a nucleus of positively charged protons cozied up against neutral-as-Switzerland neutrons. Surrounding them are a bunch of riled up electrons flinging their negative selves here, there and everywhere else. Remember that diagram from eighth grade Earth Science showing electrons neatly circling a nucleus like a mini solar system? Yeah, forget that, because it ain’t right.

Rather than occupying individual orbits, electrons clump together like girls in a nightclub. And unlike Mars or Jupiter or teenagers cruising Main Street on a Friday night, electrons don’t make the same repetitive circuit eon after eon. Rather, they have the ability to leap back and forth between various shells. And boy, do they ever. In fact, electrons jump around so frequently and erratically that even the most brilliant scientists on earth have stopped trying to pinpoint their exact locations. Rather than particles in orbit, electrons are visualized as clouds of probability – basically saying, “Hey it might be here… or there… but sheesh, your guess is as good as mine.” “That’s great,” you say, “but what do all these protons, neutrons and electrons have to do with me?” In a word: basic elements. Stick a 14

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single proton and neutron into a nucleus, fling an electron into the mix and congratulations – you’ve just created a basic element. Unfortunately that element was hydrogen so you just burned your eyebrows off, but the point was well taken. Adding extra “-ons” gives you ever new and exciting elements on up the line. Whereas the number of protons and electrons inside an atom must always remain equal, neutrons can vary in number (even within the same element), generating various isotopes – basically different versions of the same stinkin’ thing. While some isotopes are more or less stable, others (like every single isotope of our friend plutonium for example) make for great radioactive merriment. Remember those electron “shells” we talked about? No? Well, each one can only contain

so many electrons. An atom’s chemical properties are defined by how empty (or for the optimists, how full) that outermost shell – known as the valence – is. The poisonous element, sodium, has one spare electron in its valence, which allows it to bond with another poison, chlorine, who has been jonesing for an extra electron to fill its own outer shell. Their bond, and resulting chemical reaction, creates table salt… which is only poisonous if you have arteries. Of course, we must all thank Dimitri Mendeleev for organizing the atoms and elements by their various chemical properties in 1869 for his famous periodic table – or we can just beat the crap out of his great-greatgrandchildren for all that rote memorization we had to do in 10th-grade chemistry.

Totally useless fact: The right lung takes in more air than the left.


EAT UP! Interview By Daniel Sutphin

Quick Tips for College Living

with Chow.com’s

Austin Pohlen Austin Pohlen joined Chow.com as an intern. Through the online home for food enthusiasts, he hosts a webseries offering tips for college students. These college-budget essentials span a variety of easy ideas, some of which include: 1) How to Keep Cottage Cheese Fresh Longer, 2) How to Make Bacon in Your Dorm Room, 3) Unexpected Uses for Your Waffle Maker 4) 3 Ways to Repurpose a Mouse Pad.

1

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Can you tell us a little bit about Chow.com? Chow is an online home for food enthusiasts. Their video content provides a visual insertion into the creation of food that I really enjoy. They just launched a whole new list of series that are extremely innovative. I have made dozens of their recipes and each one is delicious. What made you decide to intern for them? After my first interview, I was so excited to work with the people. My boss, Jenny Stewart, gave me such a great opportunity. It was a surreal experience from start to finish. Do you have a culinary background? Where did you gain the knowledge to come up with some of these tips? I grew up cooking with my mom since I was old enough to hold a

3

4

spatula. Throughout my many years of cooking, I’ve gained little tricks and tips along the road from different family members and friends. From talking with my friends at school, I was able to learn about the different college geared tips. Did you figure out many of the tips from just your experience in college living or were there other influences? I learned about some of the tips from my experiences in college, but a lot of them were things that I stumbled upon from my many hours of wasting time online. What are you studying? What year are you? I’m a Junior at Boston University studying Film and Television Production, so the internship gave me a lot of great insight into my future career paths.

What are your plans after Chow.com? I hope to move towards longer productions and into the realm of television and motion pictures. CHOW.com and the CBS Interactive family will always have a special part in my growth as a professional. I noticed there were other people featured on the video series, are they interns as well or is there future employment options with Chow.com? The other people in the series were actually members of the CHOW.com video team. The great thing about CHOW.com is that a lot of the staff has great tips and video ideas. Consequently, many act as the talent in the videos. Also, on set we just have a blast, which I think reads into the videos. How did you come about interning for Chow.com? I began my job search online, using a job search engine. I stumbled upon a job posting for CBS Interactive and just kept my fingers crossed that they would reach out to me. When I received the initial email I was dumbfounded. I was beyond excited and was really just grateful for the opportunity to talk with them. When I received the congratulations, I was far too excited! I could not have asked for a better internship/opportunity. What inspired you to join the video series? At the beginning of the internship, I was sat down and asked what my goals were and what I wanted to get out of my time with CHOW.com. It was brought up that I have acted in the past, and from that we

Totally useless fact: In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said “Play it again, Sam.”

decided to generate a series of college-geared tips that I would act as the talent in. I was given the chance to produce the series, which encompassed: writing, shooting, editing and acting. They worked closely with me to make sure that I was gaining the knowledge I needed. Did the video series start with your tips or was it something you saw and wanted to do? To my understanding, it was something that, as a team, we thought could be interesting. There very well may be other college-geared tips, but we thought why not see what we can do with the idea, so we just ran with it. We tried to add a different aesthetic to it as well by adding elements of humor to some of the tips. It was a great experiment for me, as well as the CHOW Video Team. What are some of the other tips the series will focus on? The majority of the tips focus on ways to repurpose certain common household items. Also, there are some simple tricks that could really help college students in a pinch, especially if they are on a budget. After this series concludes, will you be starting up another one? At the conclusion of my internship we talked about possibly continuing the series, but that is something we will have to wait and see. What is one general tip you could give to an incoming freshman when it comes to living in college? My one tip is to remember to always have fun and eat a lot of great food! There are plenty of ways to cook on a budget. campus talk

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ALL STALKED OUT!

By Jessica DiGiacinto

You Might Be A

Facebook

Addict If… Ah, Facebook. I remember the first day I discovered it. Logging on, selecting a profile picture, filling out some info… then staring at the screen and wondering what the hell was so great about a boring virtual yearbook. It was then that I realized you could track people like some eager hunter in the woods, following your prey’s every move while still roaming campus like a normal, well-adjusted student. Are you like me? Are you a subtle and secretive cyber-stalker? Time to find out!

You’ve created more than 20 groups dedicated to some corny inside joke with your friends. You have over 1,000 friends… and only 30 of them requested you.

You Might Be A Facebook Addict If…

Instead of deleting an account, you start a fake one to escape a stalker ex. irlfriend/boyfriend.

You tag yoursel pictures you’re f in even in with peonot you’ve casually ple once at a clubm. et heck-in’ You incessantly ‘c , even though everywhere you go where you no one really cares been or ve are, where you ha going. where you might be

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You’ve checked yours and others’ profiles since you started reading this.

You test your wall posts and updates on your friends just to make sure they’re decidedly funny and witty.

You had to request extra time on your thesis paper beca use you spent all week finding and posting political memes as if they were your own though ts and opinions so to seem ‘in touch’ with the real worl d.

Totally useless fact: The average person falls asleep in seven minutes


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frank!

FRANK

cab driver

THE FRank’s stunt double

Hi Frank,

I don’t seem to be having as much luck with guys this year as I’d like. Some friend suggested that it might be because I’m a ginger. Do guys really not like red hair on a girl? Regina Okay you need to fire this catty friend of yours because red is hands down the sexiest hair color out there. For chicks. If you’re a dude it’s a total cockblocker. So if you’re having trouble landing guys you may want to look at something less obvious. Like your face, or your personality. FRANK FACT: Frank is pretty sure most redheads use their hair color as an excuse to be “fiery” jerkwads.

Yo Frank,

We’re going to succeed from the nation because of how corrupt the government is getting and how immoral the people are getting. Are you with us? It’ll be like America only better! Phil Seriously, man? Do you have any idea how hard it is transporting booze and fireworks over a STATE line? Now add a customs agent with a redneck IQ into the equation. Free healthcare and dudes kissing are nothing compared to that. FRANK THOUGHTS: Socialism isn’t nearly so scary when you take away all the thick beards and Russian accents.

So Frank,

I am ADDICTED to Cinammon Toast Crucnch. It’s a problem. I’m putting on so much weihtg. But it’s sooo god and soooo free in the cafeteria. What does a crunchy sugar addicat do? Sammie Well for starters, how about putting down the spoon long enough to run a spell checker. As for getting past this addiction while also curbing your appetite: have you tried doing coke? FRANK FACT: That was a JOKE, sensitive people. Everyone knows heroin is the way to trump an addiction.

Oh Fraaaaaaaank…

Purely hypothetical question based on past experience here. What is a guy (or girl for that matter) supposed to do when they wake up after a onenighter and really have to blow a number two but the bathroom is way too close to the bedroom? Ezekiel For starters, don’t drink so much the night before and you’ll cut that problem down by a factor of ten. But if you’re in a dire situation and really can’t make it home first, tell her you’re going to take a shower. Turn on the water, turn on the exhaust fan, take out your phone and turn on your music, open a window and push gently. You’ll get through this. FRANK WISDOM: Never use bathroom spray. It doesn’t get rid of the smell and makes you think of poop every time you smell lilacs.

ask

Fran a question k f rank@

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myc am

pustal

k .co m

Totally useless fact: The term “Checkmate” comes from the Arabic meaning “the king is dead”.


CHARTED

COFFEE FACTS

TIME SPENT IN AN AVERAGE WORK DAY

COMPLAINING ABOUT WORK

COFFEE CONSUMED

WORK FACEBOOK AIM

COFFEE ENJOYED

WHAT HELICOPTERS DO IN MOVIES

LUNCH

UNIVERSITY SOCIAL LIFE PEOPLE AT YOUR UNIVERSITY

FLY PEOPLE YOU KNOW

CLOSE FRIENDS EXPLODE !!! YOUR SMALL, INCESTUOUS GROUP OF FRIENDS WHO WILL ALL DATE EACH OTHER OVER THE COURSE OF 4 YEARS

Totally useless fact: There isn’t any rice in rice paper.

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19


frank! Sup Frank,

Tell it like it is man. Why do bitches consider it “flirting” when a hot guy hits on them, but “sexual harrassment” when a normal or ugly guy hits on them? Call them out on their double standard bro. Trey I don’t know which women YOU’VE been hitting on, but I’m pretty sure they ALL consider it flirting the first time. It’s when you persist and hassle and push and call them bitches after they’ve already said “NO”, that those “double standards” really kick in (emphasis on “kick”). But don’t let that stop you. Keep “flirting” that way. I’m sure eventually it’ll work out just great for you and your balls. FRANK WISDOM: If more hot people would take home the ugliest person at the bar every once in a while, the world would be a much happier place. But use condoms. We don’t need any more of those ginger horse faces messing up the gene pool.

Dear Frank,

Where are all the NICE guys? Seriously why are all the hot ones such jerks? It’s like they think they’re god’s gift. I just want to find somebody who will treat me nice. Where are my princes? Sandy Oh now we both know that’s not the ONLY thing you want to find. For proof of that, please re-read your second sentence. Again, I’m not sure what part of town YOU’RE hanging out in that there are NO non-jerky guys. But if Trey’s charming little letter is anything to go by, those princes you seek have most likely been rejected so many times for lack of game or lack of abs that even the ones who would have treated you nicely have turned into undersexed Bitter Billies. FRANK THOUGHTS: Bitter ‘Billies would make an excellent name for an acidtwang punk band. One of you get on that.

Helloooo Farnk,

I can’t satop drunmk textingg. Hlep! Jnaenice Why would you satop when you provide the rest of us with so much free entertainment? The same goes for drunk tweeting, facebooking and camera phoning. FRANK FACT: Frank thinks drunk texting is an underappreciated art form that may well replace modern sarcasm.

Frank,

I like milk more than sex. That’s not weird is it? Stanleee It’s a shame that this is an obvious fake question because it would have been the perfect set up for a nursing mom joke that may or may not have been actual advice. FRANK FACT: We know you’re wondering. The answer is Yes. He has.

Frank,

Please tell my roommate he cannot paint our livingroom PURPLE! Gina Dear Gina’s Roommate, I’m going to see your purple and raise you glitter and a stick-on unicorn. You do that and I will personally chauffeur your fabulous gay ass wherever it needs to go for one week. FRANK FACT: In case it went without saying, “Fabulous Gay Ass” is meant as a compliment. ALWAYS as a compliment.

Hey Frank,

Maybe your New Year’s resolution should be to stop being so sarcastic. Elise Oh absolutely, I’ll run right out and get on that. Your opinion means a lot to me, RandomGirl-I’ve-Never-Met, it truly does. So if there’s anything else you feel would improve my health, personality and general outlook on life, please feel free to direct all future suggestions to my big fat ass. FRANK FACT: Frank thinks sarcasm is a dying art form.

k ran F ask om a l k .c a question mpust a c y m k@ fran

Follow Frank on Twitter @FrankCabDriver 20

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Totally useless fact: More than 25 percent of the worlds forests are in Siberia.


hahahaha

Remember

send all jokes to funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

Girls are like phones, we love to be held and talked to but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. “But sir,” said the clerk, “you have the best room in the hotel.” “I insist on another room!!!” said the drunk. “Very good, sir. I’ll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don’t like 502?” asked the clerk. “Well, for one thing,” said the drunk, “it’s on fire.”

FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated... calibration complete, now searching... still searching... still searching... sorry, no friends found.

Always remember you’re unique – just like everyone else.

Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the banana plantation? A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red-faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands “Stop that!” The waiter looks at her dryly and says, “Sure lady, which way was it headed?”

Totally useless fact: In 1982, the last member of a group of people who believed the Earth was hollow died.

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21


damn you. Auto Correct!

WHY PARENTS

SHOULDN’T TEXT!

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Totally useless fact: Rubber is one of the ingredients of bubble gum.


damn you. Auto Correct!

Totally useless fact: An expert fly fisherman may have as many as 10,000 flies in his collection.

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23


TIME TO BAIL! By Ami Gavarian

Exit Strategies After A

One-Night

Stand We’ve all been there before. A fun interaction at the bar leads to a frisky evening full of horizontal pool in the sack. Then the sun rises, the rooster crows and you wake up in a strange bed next to a suddenly not-so-attractive mate whose name you can’t remember. Yup, we’ve all been there before. Rather than sticking around to enjoy the post-coitus awkwardness of two strangers who just got it on, you opt for the slick and sneaky escape route. But how? Follow these steps for a super-stealth evacuation from any one-night stand situation.

Step 1

To escape the bedroom (assuming you awoke in the bedroom to begin with), find a large, heavy object near the bed and throw it towards the opposite side of where the door is located. If done effectively, this should give you ample time to duck behind the bed and crawl your way outside while the shocked and confused mate looks across the room to where the noise came from.

Step 2

While you may be out of the holding cell, you’re still not entirely free. Worse yet, you’ve alerted your mate to your escape plan. Divert his or her attention by leaving false clues in various directions. Think of it like Hansel and Gretel… only with panties, leather tassels and broken handcuff links. This should afford you enough time to stall while you attempt to figure out your surroundings.

Step 3

Once you get your bearings (which can be oh-so-tough in a cookie cutter college dorm or apartment), DO NOT make a beeline for the door. This is too easy and far too predictable. Your mate is expecting this and probably booby-trapped the doorway in advance… that conniving d-bag. Instead, search for a balcony door or window. Even if you’re on the fifth floor, it’s better than willingly walking through a rigged front door. 24

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Step 4

Choose between your available options and survey the height and surrounding ledges. If you can Spiderman your way to the ground, go for it. If not, grab your trusty zip line and aim for a nearby rooftop. Once you latch onto something sturdy, repel yourself to safety and perform a victory dance for all to see… including that crafty mate who nearly trapped you after a less-than-memorable one-night stand. Totally useless fact: The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”


play with yourself

Y R A U N A J GO FIGURE

CR O S SWORD

SN OW FL AK ES

C RYPTO QUIP{

SUDOKU

Totally useless fact: Owls are the only birds that can see the color blue.

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play with yourself

UOTE TO Q

LETTER BOX

C RYP

Wishing well

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

TRY SQUARES 26

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Totally useless fact: A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.


you sooooo cheated

Y R A U JAN

WORD HUNT!

! t o n k fear

MEGA MAZE where’s frank?

Totally useless fact: A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years

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27


tic tac toe!

Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the borEdom of class!

Fall Events in Gainesville

Get Out And

Jan 1 - Feb 28: Blue Trees on UF Campus Jan 1 - 5: The Championship Seasons: Through the Lens of the Sun Jan 5-12: You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up Jan 12: Kanapaha Bamboo Sale Jan 25: Steve Wilson & Wilsonian’s Grain Jan 26-27: Hoggetowne Medieval Faire Jan 31: Gainesville Artwalk Feb 1: CA Guitar Trio & Montreal Guitar Trio Feb 1-3: Hoggetowne Medieval Faire Feb 2: Backpack with a Ranger Feb 2 -3: Good Lovelies Feb 9: Kanapaha Bamboo Sale Feb 9-14: Cinema Verde Film Festival

About!

Fall is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between UF Football, concerts, and art festivals, there’s always something going on. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website.

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Campus Talk AdJan.indd 1

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VisitGainesville.com

352.374.5260 12/28/2012 2:00:13 PM

Totally useless fact: Nearly all Sumo wrestlers have flat feet and big butts.


CAMPUS

1702 W. University Ave 352.692.4400

www.pitapit2go.com

Wishing you a Happy & Prosperous New Year!

DOWNTOWN 201 SE 2nd Ave 352.225.3539

www.relish2go.com

Totally useless fact: An eagles nest can weigh as much as two tons.

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chattin’ it up!

Taking the Journey:

a talk with

Rhea Seehorn Campus Talk catches up with Rhea Seehorn, star of NBC’s latest sitcom Whitney. As Roxanne, she plays a divorcee who isn’t afraid to speak her mind while not giving up on love. What makes Whitney different than other shows? Whitney is a very contemporary and provocative half-hour comedy served up in a very traditional, almost nostalgic, package – the multi-camera sitcom with a live audience. This excited me from the first time I read the pilot script; the specific voice Whitney Cummings brings to this format and the very relatable story lines and characters. What do you take from your personal life to play for Roxanne? Her sense of comedy seems to come largely from being very observant of others and her surroundings and I definitely relate to that. I also relate to her fearing what will happen when you show vulnerability, although, I don’t have nearly the armor that Roxanne has. Where I might not always say something, she does; that’s definitely one of the best parts of playing Roxanne. What have you learned from Roxanne? She doesn’t always take the same path as everyone else, but she’s not a complaining whiner; she’s running her own marathon, at her own pace. She gets back up every time she falls. She also doesn’t belabor or feel compelled to explain what’s right for her, and what she wants or needs…no matter how odd or divergent from others. I’d like to be more like that. Why should people watch the show? Because it’s SO funny! I’m really so proud of it! I laugh out loud when I watch it on TV. Also, the things, arguments and struggles the characters are dealing with are so relatable, so on point. Because of both of those things, I would say anyone could enjoy it! Fans of the show often walk up to me and tell me how they, “just had that fight” with their boyfriend/ girlfriend or “totally just was talking about that with my friends!” I love that. What is the vibe on set? Do you enjoy the cast? I LOVE the people that work on this show! I can’t tell you how much. Really incredibly 30

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talented people work on every facet of the show: wardrobe, sets, props, all the technical artists with cameras and lights, our AMAZING fortune to have Andy Ackerman helming our ship. The list goes on and on. And to say I enjoy the cast is an understatement by a long shot. They are really gifted actors. I learn and get better by watching them work and being in scenes with them. In between takes, they are some of the funniest, kindest, smartest, generous people I’ve ever worked with. Can you talk a little about Broadway? What is it like to play there and what was one of your best experiences? I was only on Broadway once. I was an understudy that got to go on one night, and it was, of course, terrifying and thrilling! You don’t get motioned to on stage by Marian Seldes to take a solo bow at the Richard Rogers Theatre and come out dry-eyed. What do you like to do during downtime? I see there are a few literary references and photos of crosswords on your Twitter feed. Do you tend to gravitate toward solitary activities? Wow. You just made me sound like such a loser! Just kidding. It’s true; I do love words. I love reading, writing, and am an obsessive New York Times crossword junkie. I also paint, draw and sculpt. I love going out to events, shows and small gatherings with friends. I also like playing board games or taking a class in something with pals, as well as other sorts of social things too. But, yes, I do require a certain amount of time by myself, or even with a friend at a coffee shop just being quiet, reflective and creative in a different way.

drawers or writing short stories. To take someone on a journey and to be taken on one - where you walk in someone else’s shoes for a time, create new frames of reference, and expand your perspective and hopefully, your empathies – has always seemed magical to me. After I took my first acting class, I was hooked on using this venue as my way to be a storyteller.

What was your motivation to get into acting? All I ever wanted to do was to tell and be told stories, whether it was reenacting the day’s events to my sister, watching endless amounts of TV and movies, reading, painting, building miniature worlds in my furniture

What do you wish you could do better? Please see above! But, on a pettier scale, I really do wish I could always finish Saturday’s New York Times puzzle. It’s taken years to be pretty consistent with Sunday’s, but Saturday’s is killing me. And anyone out there that does them knows what I’m talking about.

What is on your bucket list? I’ve never really thought about that. To tell you the truth, I’m working really hard on being present these days. I’m trying, often in vain, to be less obsessed with and reactive to what happened in the past and what might happen in the future, and just be in the present.

Totally useless fact: Conception occurs more often in December than any other month (Happy Holidays!).


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HONEY, I SHRUNK YOUR HEAD! By Brian Hodges

The “Little” Story

Behind

Shrunken

Heads I dare say, most of us, at one point or another, have been accused of having a big head, indicating that we need to humble ourselves. It can be a stinging insult, but just be glad you didn’t live amongst the Jivaro people a couple hundred years ago. If they thought your head had gotten too big for your body, they actually had a humbling solution for you: shrink it. Living in the Peruvian Amazon, the native Jivaro Indians quickly earned a reputation amongst European explorers as a savage and warlike people with an almost fanatical obsession with “blood revenge.” You really, really didn’t want to get on their bad side. In one particularly gruesome raid, the Jivaros killed 25,000 Spanish settlers over a tax dispute. But it was what the Jivaros did after all the fun and blow-darting that made them such unsavory neighbors. Shrinking heads was an involved process that required a certain degree of macabre dedication. First they would cut the head off 32

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(duh) and get away with it before the slain person’s kinfolk returned. This was accomplished easily enough by looping a headband (I wish I was making this up) through the neck and out the mouth and slinging it over your shoulde. Safely away from the scene of the crime, the Jivaro warrior began by carefully removing the skull and sewing the eyes and lips shut. Next he would boil the head for a couple hours, making certain of two things: 1) don’t cook it for too long, lest the hair fall out and 2) don’t confuse it with your crock of red bean chili. Out of the pot, the head was already about 1/3 its original size.

Totally useless fact: Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.


HONEY, I SHRUNK YOUR HEAD! HEADER Further shrinking was accomplished “day spa” style via hot stones and sand. After a week or so, the head had shrunk sufficiently enough to be sewed up, blackened and affixed with a lanyard. The warrior proudly wore the tsantsa (as the shrunken head was known) around his neck during a series of tribal celebrations, after which the tiny accessory lost its novelty and was casually discarded (I wish I was making this up, too) for the Jivaro children to play with. All was well until another member of the tribe was wronged and the wild and zany decapitation process could begin all over again. Gruesome? Psshhh. Blood revenge and the appeasing of slain ancestors was serious business in that part of the Amazon. Besides, shrinking the head was the only way to stop the victim’s Musiak (or vengeful spirit, not to be confused with Muzak, which is evil in its own right… especially when the elevator breaks down with you inside). So, at least the Jivaro had (somewhat) legitimate reasons for collecting those tiny heads. European aristocrats, on the other hand, weren’t quite so noble. They simply thought those shriveled little tchotchkes were so gosh darned neat-o that they just had to have one. They often paid upwards of $25 for every genuine shrunken head – that’s the equivalent of a $600 conversation piece in modern currency! But as Republicans say, the market speaks, and the Jivaro were only too willing to be the supply to the white man’s demand. They generally traded the heads for guns, ensuring that any future head-hunting expeditions could be conducted ever more efficiently… so efficiently, in fact, that had the Peruvian government not stepped in and prohibited “head trafficking” in the 1930s, some historians suspect the various Jivaro tribes would have eventually exterminated each other.

Is there a lesson to be learned in all of this? Nah. Isn’t it enough to revel in how comparatively not messed up your own culture is compared to other places in the world? Seriously, next to these guys, even the Kardashians make us look awesome. Just don’t go getting a big head about it, now… Totally useless fact: There are 318,979,564,000 possible combinations of the first four moves in chess.

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I QUIT!

Going Out On Top By Ami Gavarian

Resignation Letters From You To Your Boss

I Hate You And This Job Letter Dear [Recipient’s name]:

The Classic Letter Dear [Recipient’s name]:

This letter is to formally announce my resignation from [company name], starting today. My last day will be [two weeks from today… unless I decide to just stop showing up after the coming weekend]. It has been a pleasure to work for [company name]. And by “pleasure” I mean “a total waste of my time and talents.” Please let me know how I can help to make a smooth transition during my remaining time here (during which I fully plan on stealing as many office supplies as possible).

This company has many problems. [insert problems here] On top of that, I can’t stand to work for you any longer. You, alone, have been a constant source of pain and annoyance for me ever since I started this job. On top of that, you have terrible body odor and halitosis. I can’t understand how you made it this far in the professional community (unless you slept your way to the top… then again, who’d sleep with you?).

While your boss probably won’t care (or remember your name, for that matter), the company will most likely still require you to submit an official resignation letter detailing your desire to leave. Well, we at CT don’t believe in doing anything ordinarily. If you’re gonna quit, just say “f*** it” and go out with a bang! Here are some pre-scripted letters of resignation to help you out on your big day. Oh yeah, don’t forget to enjoy moving back in with mom and dad after you fail to make next month’s rent!

Final Decision Letter Dear [Recipient’s name]:

This letter is to formally announce my resignation from [company name], starting today. My last day will be [two weeks from today]… or whenever I feel like not showing up anymore. As much as I would like to reassess my current situation here at [company name], I have already accepted another position with another company (with MUCH better pay and benefits… and an office Jacuzzi), so my decision is final.

Today is a great day for me. I will never have to see, hear or listen to you ever again. Goodbye and good-riddance!

Thank you for the opportunity to grow my career (even though I have an advanced degree and you kept me in the mailroom all these years).

Regards… [Your Signature]

Warmest Regards… [Your Signature]

Regards… [Your Signature]

The Grateful Letter

However, the time has come for me to move on (hallelujah!). This letter is to formally announce my resignation from [company name], starting today. My last day will be [two weeks from today].

Thank you for the opportunity to work at [company name]. I have learned a lot during my time here (like how to feign productivity and excel at World Of Warcraft). I truly appreciate your guidance and friendship during my time employed (even though you were a pain in my a** and never once helped me… ever).

Please let me know what I can do to make my final time here a productive experience (even though I’ll be so mentally checked out that my workload will decrease exponentially by the day).

Dear [Recipient’s name]:

34

Yesterday, I woke up and realized that this is the worst career experience I’ve ever had (even though this is my first “real” job). Therefore, I’m officially notifying you of my resignation from [company name]. My last day will be today. Screw you if you think you’re getting two more weeks out of me!

Chances are, at some point in your life of never-ending menial jobs and low-end wages, you’ll grow tired enough of your occupational responsibilities that it will drive you to say the two words every employee longs to orate: “I quit.”

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Regards… [Your Signature]

Resign Like President Nixon Dear [Recipient’s name]:

I hereby resign my position as [your title]. That is all. Sincerely… [Your Signature]

Totally useless fact: 60 Minutes,” is the only CBS TV show with no theme song.


CLEANLINESS, NEXT 2 HOMELESSNESS!

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Disgusting Apartment And you thought your apartment was the pits. Check out this hellhole in Houston and reconsider what you deem “slumming it.” We’re 99.9% sure that after checking out these repulsive pictures, you’ll have a new outlook on “clean living”… and a sudden distaste for Whataburger, pizza and cigarettes. Who needs kitc hen space whe n you already have a lifetime’s supp ly of fast food? And w Febreeze? That hat’s with the ’s like stopping smell a flower to in a landfill.

You can get your PC in gre y, black, white… or ash.

This gives n ew m the term “p eaning to op ‘n’ squat .”

Just like the furnitu re in your current apartmen t… only fewer stains. Don’t lie… yo how they got ther u know e! Lonely and broke, this gir l decided cockroaches would make the best pets.

Totally useless fact: Hummingbirds are the only animals that can fly backwards.

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Totally useless fact: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.


damned you siri

Totally useless fact: The most popular boat name requested is Obsession.

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39


charted

BEST THINGS TO EAT NUTELLA WITH

THE PROFESSOR SAYS “THIS CANNOT BE DONE THE NIGHT BEFORE”

I HEED THE WARNING AND START EARLY A SPOON

I TAKE IT AS A PERSONAL CHALLENGE

“I’M ON MY WAY”

“I’M STILL AT HOME”

WHAT I ACTUALLY WANTED TO KNOW

“I’M ACTUALLY ON MY WAY”

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WHAT THE INTERNET TEACHES

PEOPLE ARE JERKS

Totally useless fact: Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers were all all invented by women.


one line wisdom!

Scheck-isms by john scheck

The most convenient thing about being successful is that you probably don’t have to lie so much on your résumé. Do you think that Bill Gates has to pad his CV by saying that he wasn’t just a lifeguard at the community pool but held a “Supervisory Capacity” over other “Lifesaving Professionals?”

Offer expires 12/31/12

Totally useless fact: There are more collect calls on Father’s Day than any other day of the year.

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41


For the ladies

New year by Emily Alter

beauty New Year, new beauty. Make your New Year’s Resolution beauty related. With the help of these great products, you’ll be sure to commit. China Glaze Tranzitions in Shape Shifter This silvery gray nail polish turns a rich deep navy with the special China Glaze top coat. The color shifting will be sure to please no matter what shade you choose.

China Glaze Tranzitions in Modify Me Modify your nails from this sweet periwinkle to bold indigo after applying the color changing top coat. Your nails will be blue, but your mood won’t be.

$7 Sally Beauty Supply

$7 Sally Beauty Supply

China Glaze Fast Forward Top Coat Make all the color changing magic happen with this quick drying top coat. Dries in seconds, reduces chipping and improves shine.

China Glaze Tranzitions in Altered Reality Shimmering turquoise green changes to a glossy deeper aqua after applying the top coat. Your nails will be your favorite accessory.

$7 Sally Beauty Supply

$7 Sally Beauty Supply

Kneipp Enjoy Life Bath

Boost your mood and revive your senses with this lemon and citrus herbal bath. Essential oils and natural products will cheer you up and keep you calm. $20 kneippus.com, kanvasbeauty.com Kiss My Face Moisturizing Coconut Hand Soap Hydrate your skin with this rich soap made from herbs, vitamins and aloe. Completely effective and still completely natural. $6.49 Whole Foods, Natural Supermarkets and kissmyface.com Kiss My Face Super Hydrating Coconut Moisturizer The perfect match to moisturizing soap is a tropical scented moisturizer. Natural and skin softening, it contains shea butter, aloe and coconut water. $6.96 Whole Foods, Natural Supermarkets and kissmyface.com

Jessica Simpson Vintage Bloom Eau De Parfum Stop to smell the roses no more, just smell this perfume. Capturing the sweet allure of flowers blooming, this new fragrance from Jessica Simpson will have you looking forward to springtime. 1.7 FL OZ. $49 department stores 42

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Totally useless fact: The only food that doesn’t spoil is honey (however, spoiling your honey is perfectly acceptable).


For the ladies Vapour Beauty Vernissage Nail Lacquer in Trance Keep your nails looking their best with this holographic nail polish. This chip resistant, long lasting and glossy nail color is non-toxic, Formaldehyde free and paraben free for a naturally stunning nail.

Twisted Sista Leave-In Conditioner [Detangler] This incredibly lightweight conditioning detangler eliminates frizz, clams down hair follicles and creates stronger hair with argan oil and green tea extract. $4.95–5.95 Walgreens, Walmart, twistedsista.com

$12 vapourbeauty.com Vapour Beauty Trick Stick This sheer highlighting tint will radiate cheekbones, brows, eyes and lips with an ultra natural finish. Added antioxidants boost and improve your skin that will “do the trick” every time.

Twisted Sista Curl Activator Hydrate and create bouncy, beautiful curls with this cream formula made from apricot kernal oil. Eliminate frizz and tame flyaways while making volume and shine come alive to your hair.

$20 vapourbeauty.com, spiritbeautylounge.com, b-glowing.com Vapour Beauty Elixir Plumping Gloss in Coax Add volume and shine to your lips naturally with this 100% natural, chemical free formula. 70% organic, this gloss will have your lips smooth and voluptuous in this warm golden brown. $22 vapourbeauty.com, spiritbeautylounge.com, b- glowing.com

$4.95–5.95 Walgreens, Walmart, twistedsista.com Nourish Organic Deodorant This formula is a 100% organic blend of all natural deodorizing oils and proteins, to have you fresh and clean while staying chemical free. High performing and longlasting, this deodorant has you (and your underarms) covered. $7.99 ulta.com, nourishusda.com

It’s a 10 Miracle Leave-In for Blondes Blondes do have more fun. Enhance the brilliance of your hair with this toning leave-in treatment that protects against heat and seals in that blonde glow. $19 hair care salons and beauty supply stores

Elemental Herbology Fresh Face Oil Control Starter Kit Control breakouts and transform your complexion with this Starter Kit. Includes special cleanser, moisturizer, mask and peel to improve your skin’s texture, tighten pores and renew cells. $60 elementalherbologyus.com

Brazilian Keratin Leave-In Reconstructor This reconstructor is perfect for in-between salon treatments. Use on wet hair and seal in the cuticles with this Keratin formula for a sleek, beautiful look.

Brazilian Keratin Serum Ultra Shine This serum, made of 100% silicon will completely transform your hair to ultra sleek, glass-like locks. Eliminate frizz before you style, or use as a finishing touch.

Brazilian Keratin Intensive Hair Mask Revive your hair weekly with this mask that intensively repairs hair particles and fibers giving your hair a renewed shine.

$5.99 Walgreens, nuNAAT.com

$5.99 Walgreens, nuNAAT.com

$5.99 Walgreens, nuNAAT.com

Totally useless fact: 40% of all people at a party snoop in your medicine cabinet.

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43


CONGRATULATIONS This award is presented to:

Award 2013

RESOLUTIONIST

I

n recognition of your outstanding ability to ruin a solid New Year’s Eve party. Stagger forth you far less than infallible being. Squawk away about how you need to turn your life around. It’s not enough to just make something up. No! You must use this generic, overly embellished night to change it all – drunkenly spewing a series of brash, ambiguous affirmations of how, “next year is gonna be different, you’ll see,” or how, “this time, I’m really gonna commit to changing.” Leave no stranger dry from your boozed-soaked proclamations, knowing all the while, that you will neither remember tomorrow, nor ever commit to such extravagant resolutions. presented by signed date


Dress it up!

Winter by Emily Alter

fashion! GlamFans

UF Bow Headband Can’t choose between a bow and a headband for the game? Don’t with this sequined bow headband in classic orange and blue. $12–25 University of Florida Bookstore and Florida Bookstore

AMI Clubwear

AMI Clubwear Green Turtleneck Dress This forest green, short turtleneck dress will go perfectly with leggings for a complete look. The soft, sweater material, and oversized turtle neck will keep you cozy. $25.99 amiclubwear.com

Glam Gators Elastic Headband Show your Gator spirit on season or off with this stretch headband. Perfect for the game, or the gym this headband will keep you hair out of the way without breaking or pulling. $12–25 University of Florida Bookstore and Florida Bookstore Gatorhead Clip Don’t let hair in your eyes cause you to miss the big touchdown. Simple yet trendy this beaded hair clip is great for all hair lengths and types and keeps out those stray hairs. $12–25 University of Florida Bookstore and Florida Bookstore Gator Headband Have your head make a statement with this Gator beaded and sequin headband. Ribbon-lined for a sleek look. $12–25 University of Florida Bookstore and Florida Bookstore

AMI Clubwear Zig Zag Multi Print Scarf Let your scarf be your most colorful clothing item with this multicolored one from AMI Clubwear. Light green, rose and tan come together as a triple threat combination. $15.99 amiclubwear.com

AMI Clubwear White Fur Vest Feel like turning heads today? Do so while bundling up in this cozy high fashion fur vest. You’ll be begging for cold weather to show it off. $38.99 amiclubwear.com

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Totally useless fact: A crocodile can’t stick it’s tongue out.


Dress it up!

Lulus

Lace Angeles Ivory Peplum Top Peplum and lace what could be better? This lace open back top will have you looking trendy in pretty winter white. $33 lulus.com Outward Appearance Studded Black Purse Make your next appearance one nobody will forget with this studded black and gold glimmering purse. Tuck the chain inside and you have the perfect on-the-go clutch. $40 lulus.com

Fuzzy Dice Ivory Sequin Sweater This fuzzy sweater with a sequin collar is so incredibly soft, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll want to wear it to go out or to lounge out. This sweater shows style and comfort at its best. $51 lulus.com Zip it Good Red Skinny Pants Who said red is just for December? Make a statement with these ankle zip up skinny fit pants. Dress them up or down for any event. $42 lulus.com

AMI Clubwear Beige Fur Neck Jacket Modernize this classic style with fun pockets and a fur neckline. The neutral beige goes perfect with anything from casual jeans to a cute dress. $36.99 amiclubwear.com

AMI Clubwear Gray Fur Lined Jacket Steel gray and fur lined will have you warm and comfy while still looking polished and trendy. Pair with jeans or black for an icy cool look. $35.99 amiclubwear.com

Totally useless fact: Over 75 percent of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

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ecampus.com

Tips for by KatVonD

snagging

a perfect Internship College is all about education. You attend class to learn, but those classes don’t always give you the experience you need for your career. An internship is a great way to gain experience and learn so much! Today there is so much competition for students to get the internships they want to further their experience in the fields they are studying. Here are some tips that could help you get that dream internship.

Perfect your resume A resume is the first thing employers will look at when considering you for a position. Although they are meant to be detailed and expose your best qualities, they are not paid much attention. Employees will look at the basics on your resume. They skim it! SO KEEP IT SHORT! A resume should not exceed more than a page! It should include your name, address, and contact information in the header. In the body there should be an objective, your 3 most recent job experiences, education, and skills. Your objective should be a short summary of what you can do for the employer and some positive qualities you have that will benefit the company. Your 3 most recent job experiences are the most important. The name of the company, your position, and the length of time you worked for this company should all be included. There should also be a short summary of your duties with that employer. The education portion of your resume should include details about your education. It should include any sports or clubs or extra curricular activities you were involved in during high school or college. The 48

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year you graduated should be included as well. (Putting your GPA is not necessary unless it is something you feel the need to highlight or unless the employer you are applying to requests it.) The skills part of your resume should be short. Who would have thought? It should include any special skills you are experienced in, like Microsoft systems, Apple systems, Photoshop, search engine optimization, etc. The purpose of a resume is to inform the employer of the qualities and successes you have had in your life. It is to show the employer why you are different from others applying and to stand out from the competition. What makes you the best candidate for this position? DON’T FORGET TO PROOF READ YOUR RESUME! Try sending it to a parent or a friend and see what suggestions they would make or any changes that would make your resume better! Other opinions can always help, too! If you don’t know what your resume should look like, try googling “example resumes” into images. You can see resume templates and

sometimes even download them which can be very helpful! Create a Cover Letter For many job applications, employers will request a cover letter. The purpose of a cover letter is to explain why you are the best candidate for the job. The cover letter is the best place for you to tell employers what you can offer the company. The one hiring you will look to a cover letter for a more detailed description of your experiences. The cover letter is a place for you to show you have the right skills, experience, and abilities. Do you have the same goals as the company? Do you have what the company needs to be better? Do you want to do the work the company is asking of you? Your cover letter can tell employers if you and the company are a right match. The cover letter is the place to be detailed and thorough. It is your chance to explain! Use the opportunity! Need more info about a cover letter? Check out www.coverletters101.com Letter of Recommendation It is always good to have some kind of recommendation letter on hand. Whether it is

Totally useless fact: Humans share one third of their DNA with lettuce!


ecampus.com

a teacher, counselor, or previous employer, recommendation letters are extremely helpful! Usually employers get verification from others of how you are the right employee. A second opinion can help sway a decision one way or another! Apply to anything interesting! When applying to job opportunities, make sure you are truly interested! Don’t be afraid to apply to an opportunity – you may possess some of the qualities employers are looking for. If an opportunity sounds like something you might like, then try it! The old saying applies: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”. So go ahead, take a chance and apply for that job! Don’t forget to follow up! So you applied, now what? Contact the person in charge of the position you applied to! If you haven’t heard from them then you might not have gotten the job, but you will never know if you don’t ask. By continuing to

contact the employer, you are showing t hem you are persistent and truly interested in the job! That is what they are looking for in future employees. If they say they have not made a decision yet, then thank them and tell them you look forward to hearing from them. Following up is always important, so be persistent! Job Interview? Okay, so you have been considered, annd now you have to go to a job interview! The job interview is just another obstacle you have to overcome for the position. It is most important to remember to BE PROFESSIONAL! That means dressing professionally, acting professionally, and talking professionally. Jeans and tennis shoes are not the proper way to dress in a job interview. Nice pants, shirt, and shoes are what employers want to see. Ladies, make sure your shirt is not too low cut and your skirt is not too short. This might not be the right time to pull out your highest pair of heels! Boys, a dress shirt and

tie is the proper way to dress. No sagging, your future employer does NOT want to see your underwear! Be able to have an intelligent conversation–no cursing or slang. The purpose is to talk about your resume and what you can offer the company. Be the best you can be! Send a Thank-You! The job interview is not the final step. You are not done working hard until you snag the job! After your interview, call or send a thank you letter telling the employer you appreciate the opportunity to have an interview. Express to them how important the job would be to you and how much you desire the position. If you are going to send a thank you via snail mail, make sure the letter goes out the same day. The sooner they get the letter, the better. If you are going to make a call, do it the same day. Give the employer a few hours to think about the interview and gather their thoughts, but don’t wait too long! Show your gratitude and how much you care about the position.

Every Day is Gameday

In Gainesville every day is Gameday, only the venues change! So whether you love going outdoors or simply going out to eat, we’ve got just what you’re looking for. Paddle the Santa Fe River, dine at one of our delicious local restaurants or search for treasures at local boutiques and vintage shops downtown. Gainesville, where nature and culture meet.

Totally useless fact: Did you know…It is impossible to lick your elbow?

VisitGainesville.com

352.374.5260

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RIDDLE ME THIS!

MIND

What goes aroun#1 the world yet d stays in a corner ?

GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couch…

#5

t, What doesn’t exis but has a name?

#2

1) A postage stamp on an envelope. 2) A secret. 3) Friday 4) Darkness 5) Nothing

you , t i e v a If you h share it. want to are it, h If you s have it. ’t you don t? i What is 50

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#3

days The day before two e after the day befor day. r tu a S is w o r r o m to ay? What day is it tod

#4

The more you have of it , the less you see . What is it ?

Totally useless myth: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.


hahaha

Remember to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

“I used to be in show business. I had a very spectacular act.” “What did you do?” “I used to dive into a wet sponge from a height of 50 feet. But then I broke my neck.”

Things to do While Downloading a File On Your Computer: •B  uff your mouse pad •M  ake a list of things to download  •P  lay a percussive beat on your thighs in time with your modem •C  ount to 500 in “click” language

“Did you miss the sponge?”

•G  o outside and actually breathe fresh air (don’t overdo!)

“No. Some idiot squeezed it dry.”

•D  o a pushup for every blue bar on the progress meter

Totally useless fact: Rats and horses can’t vomit.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?” The engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, “Oh, I’m really thirsty for some fresh blood.” The other bat is amazed and says, “Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can’t be exposed to any light – you know we’ll die.” “Yeah, I know,” says the first bat, “but I’m really starving for it.” So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth. “You lucky thing. Where’d you find blood that quick?” asks the second bat. “You see that tree over there in the distance?” mumbles the bat, his mouth full of blood. “Yeah, I think I do!” “Well, I didn’t.”

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Music Reviews

By Daniel Sutphin

Tune In Turn On Plug In

Alicia Keys Girl on Fire The latest album, “Girl on Fire”, finds Keys experimenting with a more youthful sound at times. The first single, “Girl on Fire” featuring Niki Minaj is a strong example of such experimentation as it sounds more like one of Rihanna’s many over-produced singles instead of the soulful balladry on which Keys has built her career. The experimentation goes as far as to even include “eh eh eh” on the track “New Day”, an often overused sound popularized by Rihanna. Despite that, Keys shines as always when she sticks to her roots, tracks “Brand New Me” and “Not Even the King” standout for such reasons. That being said, change isn’t always a bad thing, the sound experimentation does fuse together nicely on the track “When It’s All Over”. 52

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Paloma Faith Fall to Grace On much of “Fall to Grace”, Faith belts catchy melodies and words of breakup and loss with the soul and confidence that made her a breakout star after the UK release of her first album. Her pop/soul combination is often likened to that of Amy Winehouse and Adele. Although Faith’s personality may be quirkier than such comparisons, the music struggles to find its own place in an already convoluted genre. Despite this, tracks like “Beauty of the End” and “Agony” still stand out with her voice striking full throttle against a dynamic, but basic accompaniment. Other tracks however, like “30 Minute Love Affair” sound more like a Madonna knock-off, void of soul and chocked full of almost purposely-bad production.

Chevelle Stray Arrows A Collection of Favorites Although some may question whether or not Chevelle had enough songs to accumulate a greatest hits album, “Stray Arrows” proves that, despite not having the mainstream validity as some of their alt-rock counterparts, they still managed to put together over a decade of Top 10 Alt-Rock hits. Although adding a new song at the end, their early 2000 hits remain the stongest with tracks like “Red”, “The Clincher” and Vitamin R (Leading Us Along).

Songs of Anarchy Volume 2 Although compilations are a bold move in today’s music industry, Columbia has decided to ride the show’s popularity and release a second volume of the many songs that have become an essential part to its energy and dynamic. With a Jane’s Addiction cover of the Rolling Stones “Sympathy for the Devil” covers of “Higher Ground” and “Travelin’ Band”, the compilation has some familiar tunes to bob your head to, but the main standout is “To Sir With Love” performed by Katey Sagal, or Gemma for those familiar with the show. Her voice is aged but in a genuine, soulful way, even at times resembling that of Ann Wilson from Heart.

Ke$ha Warrior Simply put, Warrior is a pop album, in all of its glittery essence. Where this used to be a negative connotation in many circles, in today’s world of music, it shines above many of the bubble gum attempts of scoring a Top-40 single. Like what she does or not, Ke$ha sells it with her confidence, energy and blatant disregard for popular opinion, despite the mainstream appeal of such music. This attitude is best personified by her teaming up with Iggy Pop on the glitzy, yet still somehow gritty track, “Dirty Love”. Her ‘rapping’, although fitting and appropriate for her personality and approach, doesn’t stand close to the strength of her voice when she actually sings. Warrior is a ready-made club album and, despite some sonic qualms, does exactly what it is supposed to do.

Totally useless fact: If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.


Totally useless fact: If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

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game on!

Sore Thumbs By Daniel Sutphin

DmC Devil May Cry PS3, XBOX 360, PC January 15 Capcom revamps the action franchise with its latest Devil May Cry installment, allowing the smart-talking protagonist to travel new elaborately designed frontiers. Despite the revamp, players can expect the same brutal combat and explosive action. Dante, born of an angel and a demon, is trapped between worlds and thus an outcast to the brainwashed world he inhabits. Dante is able to pull angel and demons skills and can transform his sword into a variety of other weapons mid-fight, which influence his combat and movement. 54

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Ni no Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch PS3, NDS January 22 This colorful RPG follows the tale of a young boyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s journey to become a master magician to help his mother return from the parallel world, Ni no Kuni. He meets a series of allies along the way who will guide him as he explores the cartoon-like world and learn magical skills. The skills will not only help him defeat his foes, but will make him strong enough to destroy the white witch.

Lost Planet 3 PS3, XBOX 360, PC January 15 Lost Planet 3 finds rig pilot, Jim, on the harsh planet E.D.N III, where he is contracted to work for a construction company called NeoVenus Construction (NEVEC). With an array of gameplay options including on-foot battles and first-person action, Lost Planet 3 provides a number of multiplayer modes and a single player experience that reveals the planetâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s secrets as he takes on the risk of the treacherous environment and threat of the indigenous Akrid.

Sniper: Ghost Warrior 2 PS3, XBOX 360, PC, Wii U January 15 The first-person shooter brings back the bullseye precision for this new installment of the franchise. The new game does away with the run and gun section that was used in the first game. By doing so, the new game favors more of a complete sniper experience. Your character, Private Security Consultant Captain Cole Anderson, is sent on various missions around the world. Using stealth, hand-to-hand assassinations, and sniping techniques, the players must target with skill and a little patience.

Anarchy Reigns PS3, XBOX 360 January 8 Taking place in a post-apocalyptic future, Anarchy Reigns pits players in a 16-person online battle royale of death and destruction. Over eight characters are available to choose from, each boasting their own style, weapon, and signature kill move. Anarchy Reigns offers a variety of multiplayer modes to cater for different tastes. The list of modes includes Battle Royale, Death Match, Survival Mode and many more.

Totally useless fact: The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.


hilarious!

my flight back nt waiting for ra au st of me. A re t or an airp folds in front un e en sc g in So I’m sitting in st tere comes up ille when an in n a foreign guy he to Charlottesv w f el rs he and this is his tting by from Uruguay ’s he pretty girl is si ly nt re pa trying to  himself. Ap mes, he starts na ng gi and introduces an ch ex Your Mother” e U.S. After om “How I Met fr e qu first time in th ni ch te p n country rney pick-u s from a foreig ou m fa reenact that Ba ne eo m y not biting ds like he’s so e girl is clearl Th . m hi where he preten ow kn alk up and e she doesn’t d for him so I w ba el fe I r. and can’t believ de un ng for starting to flo struck and aski ar st l al ng and the guy is ti ac signs my conversation by then sheepishly d an d se ri interrupt the rp su rested. I walk He seems pretty eably more inte ic his autograph. ot  n Last I is rl gi e point, th the autograph. t is th ou ab At . g  in ra pk  b na to to call a friend away pretending e girls. re th nded by ou rr su as w he checked

iend.

a, my fr ic r e m A o t e m o Welc

Totally useless fact: Cat’s urine glows under a black-light (no doubt they figured this one out in the 60’s!).

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e v a S 9! $22 N

M

LO D G

E

CA

S PU

LODGE O

SIGN A LEASE WITHIN 72 HOURS O AND ALL YOUR MOVE-IN FEES WILL CAMPUS LODGE

www.CampusLodgeGainesville.com

Phon e : 352. 367. 2800 | 2 8 0 0 S W Wi l l i s t o n Rd | G a i n e s v i l l e, FL 32608


Check out more floor plans online!

24 HOUR FITNESS CENTER ONSITE COURTESY OFFICER 24 HOUR MAINTENANCE CONVENIENT ACCESS TO PUBLIC TRANSIT FREE RESIDENT & GUEST PARKING TANNING DOMES LIGHTED BASKETBALL COURT COOKOUT AREAS FREE CAR WASH & VACUUM AREA RECYCLING CENTERS THROUGHOUT COMMUNITY

OF TOURING L BE WAIVED!

COMPUTER LAB WITH PRINT & COPY SERVICES GATED COMMUNITY STUDY AREAS WITH CONFERENCE ROOM

C / TheCam p u sLo dg e M @TheC am p u sLo dge

NIGHTLY SECURITY PATROL SPARKLING PLAY ACTION POOL


GET THESE IN YOUR LIFE! By Daniel Sutphin and Emily Alter

! r a e Y w e N e h t r o f

Acase Concept

This new hard shell case folio provides protection and convenience. The Concept mixes a protective polycarbonate back with a cross-grain PU leather to provide protection. The Concept cover works as a stand, propping your iPad into an upright position for watching videos or reading, and a laid-down position for typing and gaming. Under $32 www.acase.com

Lensbaby: Spark Allowing photographers to capture that always-desired “sweet spot”, the Spark is a creative effects DSLR lens that lets photographers capture creative images in-camera. The lightweight lens features a unique 50-millimeter selective focus with a multicoated optic. For manual focus, photographers can squeeze to focus, and tilt to move the “sweet spot” around the image. $80 lensbaby.com/lenses-spark

Satechi: uCharger

Urbanears: Tanto Headphones These retro-styled headphones are a tribute to the 80s revolution in mobile music. They feature custom microphones that are remote compatible with iPhone, Nokia, HTC and Blackberry phones along with two extra cable extensions, which make the headphones compatible with a majority of all devices. They also come in 14 colors! $39.90 www.urbanears.com 58

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This low-price, high-powered charger, powers devices up to 4 times faster than computer USB ports. Users can switch between iOS (blue LED light), Android (red LED light) or data transfer without having to deal with charging modes. The uCharger is also compatible with most vehicles’ USB charging port, which decreases the amount of time needed for charging while on the road. $9.99 www.satechi.net

Urbanears: Medis

With EarClick technology, Urbanears new fashionable headphones, Medis, anchors the ear-piece securely in place to provide comfort and a great fit. They feature custom microphone and remote compatabilit with iPhone and Nokia, HTC and Blackberry and also includes four interchangeable inserts for a secure fit. $49.90 www.urbanears.com Totally useless fact: Most lipstick contains fish scales.


GET THESE IN YOUR LIFE! Acase Black Diamond III

Great for parties, or even lazy nights listening to music, the Black Diamond III turns any normal listening environment into an all-out, multi-sensory experience. Not only does the compact USB-powered speaker hypnotize with heartthumping music, but it also bangs out a rhythm-rocking lightshow. The Black Diamond III transforms into a glowing crystal with interchanging colors when powered and is compatible with all Bluetooth devices. $59.95 www.acase.com. Seidio: OBEX PowerSkin Waterproof As smart phones Case for become more Samsung advanced, so do the Galaxy S III many cases available Liquid will forever to protect them. be a hazard to PowerSkin battery our often-fragile cases provide power smartphones. and protection for all day, on-the-go Although some use of your iPhone 4/4S. Perfect for may be more hectic days on campus and nights resistant than on the town, the soft-touch case others, it’s never a slides on your mobile device, while bad thing to be too careful. providing shock-proof protection. Seidio: OBEX Waterproof Case uses advanced With the touch of a button, PowerSkin technology to safeguard the Samsung Galaxy instantly starts charging up your phone. S III. It absorbs shock because of its $52.49 www.power-skin.com combination of materials and seals smart phones at critical points to block out unwanted particles and liquids. Goal Zero’s Switch $79.95 www.seidio.com

8 Solar Recharging Kit

What better way to charge your technology than with the ultimate energy source: the sun! The Switch 8 Solar Recharging Kit can keep your gadgets charged up wherever you go. Great for frolicking about campus, the Switch 8 Solar Recharging Kit can bring back a dead smartphone instantly and refill your battery in less than three hours. The Switch 8 also can serve as a cord-free charger with built-in tips for phones and other handheld devices.

Pop Art Toaster Morning Bytes Set

Snap out of that morning slump with this fun and hilarious toaster set! Includes a breakfast tray, a USB cup warmer, 7 heat option toaster, and two removable toast stencils “Bite Me” and “Ugh...” to have your breakfast say what you’re thinking every Monday morning. $44.99 poparttoaster.com

Outdoor Tech ADAPT

With so much technology, it just seems unfair to have to still deal with headphone chords. That being said, it’s hard to afford new headphones on a college budget. Instead, check Outdoor Tech’s ADAPT. Clip on the lightweight device and experience Bluetooth technology with your audio products. The colorful plug and play device syncs effortlessly and provides hours of playtime. $39.95 www.outdoortech.com Tagg - The Pet Tracker No matter how you might try to protect your pet, there will always be that underlying fear of them getting away or disappearing. Tagg is a solution to help ensure that your pets are safe and healthy. With GPS tracking, Tagg makes certain your pets are where they are should be. With Tagg’s Activity Tracking feature, ensure your pet is getting the proper amount of vet-recommended exercise. 99.95 www.pettracker.com/pet-products/ pet-gps-tracker

$99.95 REI.com

iBattz Mojo Hi5

Although it’s not the end of the world, it can be frustrating to be stuck on campus with a dead smart phone. The Mojo Hi5 provides protection and power, but also allows you to detach the battery when it is no longer needed. The battery is lightweight and complementary to the iPhone 5’s minimalist design. In addition, it can also be used to power other USB devices. $79.90 usa.ibattz.com Totally useless fact: Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.

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hot tips

College Life

Tips From About.com’s Kelci Lynn Can you give the best tips for staying organized while in college? Staying organized is critical if you’re going to be able to successfully juggle all that college throws at you. Students need to have some kind of system for keeping track of all you need to do, whether that be an online calendar or an old-fashioned, paper-and-pen to-do list. Regardless, the only way you can stay organized in college is to constantly be able to see what you have going on and what’s coming down the pipeline. Additionally, students should spend 20 minutes to just clean things up, even if its just once a week. With so much going on in college, it is easy to forget all you have to do if things aren’t right in front of you. What are common mistakes college students, in regards to their personal and school lives, make and how could you avoid them? The most common mistakes deal with balancing everything. Many students don’t feel comfortable saying “no” when they first arrive on campus, so they become overcomitted and burn themselves out, do poorly in their classes or otherwise have a less-than-stellar experience. Learning how to say “no” can be really hard to do – but it can also be one of the best things you can do for yourself. Additionally, while everyone talks about how little money college students have, I think the scarcest resource is actually time. One of the biggest mistakes I’ve seen is a student not knowing how to balance that limited time. Every college student should have some kind of time management system.

For more tips and further information, check out about.com

Totally useless fact: The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

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CHARTED

BOYFRIEND FINDS OUT YOU ARE BISEXUAL

“OK BY ME!”

“I CAN’T DEAL WITH THAT!”

“SO... THREESOME?”

REASONS WHY I USE THE BATHROOM AT WORK I HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM

I DON’T WANT TO WORK

I GET PAID TO POOP

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Totally useless fact: No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven times.


CHARTED

MY RESPONSE WHEN SOMEONE CALLS ME A PSYCHOPATH

“I’M NOT A PSYCHOPATH, I’M A HIGHLY FUNCTIONING SOCIOPATH. DO YOUR RESEARCH.”

RUBBER BAND USAGE HOLDING THINGS TOGETHER

SHOOTING AT PEOPLE

Totally useless fact: Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

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63


spotted!

movie 43

Spot The Differences

january 25, 2012

burton,  ugh Jackman, Patrick War H Chloë ne, Sto a Emm l, ame Josh Duh Elizabeth t, sle Win e Grace Moretz, Kat , Bell n ste Kri b, Bib lie Les Banks, is Far a Gerard Butler, Ann

THE WHAT’S HAPPENING NETWORK

Let us help you reach thousands with outdoor advertising on The What’s Happening Truck

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Full service design studio providing clients with our best creative talents.

Publishing division creating the best in college publications to college students.

Connecting students to student properties clear across the country. Traffic is our middle name.

From pens to ping pong tables, our promotional department can handle all of your logo merchandising needs.

Totally useless fact: You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.


Totally useless fact: Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

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65

1) feather is replaced by a hot dog, 2) Elf's hat is different color, 3) box in background is missing, 4) Phone on wall in background is missing, 5) guy on left is replaced by woman, 6) paper in man's hand is gone

LIST

CHECK

spotted!


YOUR DREAM JOB AWAITS!

Reality

Bites: Jobs You Can Expect To Get

With Your Worthless Degree

English Perhaps the most vague and

66

All your life you’ve been told things like “You can be anything you want” and “The sky’s the limit for what you can achieve!” Truth be told, your degree that you’ve slaved over for four years (sometimes five or six, even) will lead you no further than a mailroom, cubicle or delivery truck. Sorry to be so cynical… but it’s true. Just ask our 45-year-old intern, Bob. He’ll be right back after he fetches us all our coffee and donuts. It’s time to find out exactly what that worthless degree will net you when leave campus…

Business Equally as generic as an English Pre-Med degree but slightly more profitable, You’re going to save the world

mainstream of all degrees, English grads can rejoice in the fact that they’ll top out at about $50,000/ year… when they’re a few years away from retirement. As for the rest of their working career, they can expect minimal compensation in the $25,000–$30,000 range as slaves to “the man.”

Business grads enter the workforce with lofty aspirations of making a name for themselves on the sales route. As soon as they meet their first clients, however, they realize those big-money commissions they were expecting will actually turn out to be nothing more than complimentary finger foods at overcrowded business receptions in two-star hotels.

and discover the cure for cancer! You’re going to travel the world and heal the sick and helpless! Well… in all actuality, you’ll do nothing more than stockpile real doctors’ offices with those cotton swab thingies and tongue depressors. But hey, at least you’ll make more money doing that than the McDonald’s manager with a Business degree!

Probable job titles include: coffee maker, copy machine filler, soda machine stocker.

Probable job titles include: telemarketer, McDonald’s day shift manager, used car salesman.

Probable job titles include: sperm donor, umbilical chord cutter.

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Poly Sci Through law and legislation,

you’ll change the world and end the reign of empirical injustices across the globe. Unfortunately, you failed to realize that in order to do all that, you’ll need to get into law school first. I suppose it’s a shame, then, that you got a 120-something on your LSAT. Probable job titles include: professional liar, governor of Alaska, 43rd President of the United States.

Totally useless fact: The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.


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THE ART OF (COLD) WAR!

How To By Brian Hodges

succeed with

Passive-

Aggression Generally speaking, nobody likes aggression. Save for a few fight-happy meatheads and sadistic ex-girlfriends, the rest of us levelheaded people prefer to keep things civil whenever possible. But when some inconsiderate assclown continues to bum all your smokes, eat all your food and screw all your recent hookups, even the meekest among us can have their breaking points. So before you confront the offender through some combination of verbal abuse, physical violence or all-out vigilante justice, consider a more passive approach. By mastering the art of passive-aggressive warfare, you can solve many of your interpersonal conflicts without so much as a single confrontation.

P-A Maneuver 1: Articles Of Diplomacy

(a.k.a. “Leaving Notes”) A long time ago, some smarty-art guy coined the phrase “the pen is mightier than the sword.” While this guy definitely died alone, his words ring true in this instance. A crass handwritten note can oftentimes be swifter than a strong kick to the nether regions… with Doc Martins on, no less. Stick a letter on your lazy lab partner’s markerboard after he fails to produce his half of the assignment… again. Hang one over the sink when your slob of a roommate leaves the sink resembling the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Combining frustration with subtle comedy (i.e. “Hi, I’m a dishwasher. If you feed me dirty dishes, I will make them CLEAN for you!”) can often diffuse a cold war situation before it goes nuclear. 68

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P-A Maneuver 3:

Supplies & P-A Maneuver 2: Propaganda (a.k.a. “Leaving Crap In Front Of Their Door”) Allied Support (a.k.a. “A Little Help From My Friends”) Make like a protestor from the 60s and have your message heard by everyone around you. An all-out Facebook onslaught on your two-timing ex and supposed best bud will help draw sympathy from the innocent bystanders in your life. The desired effect here is to turn your neutral pals into full-blown foes of Slutty Susie and Backstabbing Billy for secretly sleeping together the day you broke it off. Once they realize how loathed they suddenly are, they’ll clean up their act ASAP… or continue to fool around without any remorse.

The best way to bring down an evil tyrant is to provide his or her people with humanitarian aid, tactical supplies and informational literature. The goal here is to swiftly incite a revolution from within. Try hanging a toilet bowl scrubber from the doorknob of your sloppy cohabitant or taping STD brochures on the car of that skanky guy who swears the sore on his lip is from an elbow during a basketball game. Of course, you must take into account the likelihood of this backfiring and you ending up looking like an disease-ridden bathroom cleaner to your friends and neighbors.

Totally useless fact: A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.


THE ART OF (COLD) WAR!

P-A Maneuver 5: P-A Maneuver 4: Keeping All-Out Trade Embargo

(a.k.a. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Hoard Everythingâ&#x20AC;?) So, your roommate uses your food and shampoo like heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s staying at an all-inclusive luxury hotel but never buys his own goods? Try putting your stuff in a lock box. Your buddy keeps hooking up with every girl youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been hitting on? Make him go to the RA for condoms from now on. You may seem like a greedy, petulant little kid, but people always say that about those who wield most of the power.

The Peace

(a.k.a. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Start Snitchingâ&#x20AC;?) When all efforts at passive diplomacy have failed, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t resort to violence yourself. Make a call to your landlord, RA or local authority to report that obnoxious noise violation, suspicious smell under your sink or delinquent rent payment. Of course, while you may be avoiding physical confrontation with this method, those you dime out most likely wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t resist the urge to punch your teeth in to the point that you look like a seasoned hockey player.

In the grand scheme of things, passivity only gets you so far. Some people are frankly too dense to realize theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been pissing you off unless you confront them directlyâ&#x20AC;Ś and aggressively. How you proceed from there is up to you (and, most likely, your muscles or lack thereof ). For further ideas and inspirations, be sure to check out the internetâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s main source for passive-aggression: www.passiveaggressivenotes.com.

odytec # ) TATTOO & PIERCING $

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CONTESTS GIVE AWAYS

PRIZES

EXCLUSIVELY FOR COLLEGE

STUDENTS! WITH CONTENT

TOO HOT FOR THE MAGAZINE


Totally useless fact: Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

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Totally useless fact: The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

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Totally useless fact: Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.


Totally useless fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts.

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E S T AT E S G A I N E S V I L L E . C O M THEESTATESUF@GMAIL.COM • 352.692.1313 • 3527 SW 20TH AVE


Totally useless fact: Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

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ATTN: LOCAL PUBLICATIONS! Do you need a better solution to around town distribution? Street Teams can deliver your publication to over 1,000 local businesses and street boxes.

STREETTEAMSDISTRO@GMAIL.COM 78

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Totally useless fact: The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.


you sooooo cheated

S R E W ANS

CR OS SWORD

WORD HUNT!

JANUARY

QUOTE

fear knot!

QUIP{

GO FIGURE

Totally useless fact: The average person laughs 10 times a day.

TRY SQUARES

C RYPTO

where’s frank?

SUDOKU

LETTER BOX

MEGA MAZE

SN OW FL AK ES

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hahahaha

Q: What do prisoners use to call each other? A: Cell phones.

r Remembe to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A: A nervous wreck.

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It’s better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said: “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.” “That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change...”

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A: A stick. Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? A: Quatro sinko.

Totally useless fact: Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.


FOR THE FIrST TIMER

Managing Your Money Sit down, write out a budget and stick to it. That’s the most important thing you can do if you want to be successful with your finances.

Interview with About.com’s Miriam Caldwell If someone is just starting out, how would you help them to set up their finances? The first thing I would have them do is sit down, write out a budget by figuring out what they need. Then have them decide what they want and to limit their wants to what they can afford. Many students don’t pay attention to the student loan counseling that schools have them enter. The numbers are real. I know when my husband did student loans, he just went through the student loan counseling and didn’t think that, “Oh, we’re going to actually end up owing that much money when I graduate.” It can be frustrating to deal with when you don’t realize how much debt is quickly going to add up. A budget and sticking with it is the most important thing you can do when you first start out.

Can you give tips for organizing your money? There are so many software and cell phone programs that you can use now to enter in your purchases, so you know exactly where you are in each budget category when you are out shopping. I think using those to manage your money is one of the best things you can do. If you know that you are not good at keeping track of a budget, than switching to cash only is another really easy option to help you limit spending, because once you’re out of cash, you can’t spend any more money. The other thing to help students manage money is to get creative with sharing costs with roommates. With a group of people, you can swap, so that you just have to cook once a week. That way you still have a cooked dinner every night at home. It saves a lot on food because it’s easier to cook for a big group and less expensive than buying ingredients for five or six different meals a week. It’s just different things you can do to save money.

Some people believe that loans are their only option, so they will take whatever they can get? I think that students are just thinking that, “I have to go to school and I have to take out a student loan,” but you don’t have to. There are options that people don’t know about or maybe don’t want to do. I know personally for me, I graduated from college debt free. My junior year (of high school), my dad pulled me aside and told me they couldn’t help me pay for school. They told me I was on my own. That led me to make a series of choices that meant that I took the school that was more affordable than a private school. Choosing in-state or going to a community college for the first two years are options that can bring your tuition lower, making it easier to pay as you go. I also worked during school – 20 to 40 hours a week – and worked two jobs during the summer to make everything work out, so that I could graduate debt free. It also meant that I was very frugal in what I spent.

Totally useless fact: An animal epidemic is called a epizootic.

Miriam Caldwell has been the About.com guide for Money In Your Twenties since 2007. She writes information for people that are starting out on their own financially. You can see her advice at About.com.

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GET COOKIN’ By Daniel Sutphin

Yummy Recipes FROM Nisa Burns’ Kitchenability 101 Excerpted from Kitchenability 101: The College Student’s Guide to Easy, Healthy, and Delicious Food by Nisa Burns (on sale October 2012). Find Nisa online at: www.Kitchenability.com. Lemon Cilantro Chicken • Makes two servings • Apartment friendly One of my close friends has a lot of food allergies. One day, she called to ask me to create a special dish for her.

It’s no surprise most students come to college without much experience in kitchen. Thanks to student meal plans, pizza delivery, ramen noodles and a flourishing market of restaurants, diners, bars and fast food joints to choose from, the average student is fairly safe from having to know much in the cooking department. However, as society continues to lean more and more to the healthy side of consumption, a cheaper and far-less taxing venture would be that of learning how to cook, instead of relying on the same old factory-fashioned meals. Since freshman year doesn’t come with an intro to culinary arts, students can turn to outside sources. That’s where Nisa Burns, a spunky young chef and Internet sensation, comes into play. A culinary graduate of the Art Institute of Virginia Beach, Burns’ straightforward, healthy recipes have gained fans on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube nationwide. With a mission to show college students how to become best friends with their kitchens in order to feed themselves for life, Burns has released a new book detailing a process she calls becoming “Kitchen-able.” In the book, Kitchenability 101: The College Student¹s Guide to Easy, Healthy, and Delicious Food, she shows students healthy, accessible alternatives to the cafeteria or drive-thru lane. Not only does Kitchenability 101 teach readers that it is just as simple to make an Avocado Lettuce Wrap as it is to heat up a processed TV dinner, but it also provides shopping plans, supply lists, budgeting tips, skills and recipes for cooking in college spaces including dorm rooms, apartments and houses. campus talk

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Chocolate-Drenched Marshmallow Brownies • Makes one tray • Apartment friendly If the Nutella Peanut-Butter Brownies (page 130) aren’t enough to satisfy your chocolate craving, here’s another brownie recipe to feed your addiction. Besides, who can turn down a chocolate-covered brownie? These are truly delicious and super fun to make. What You Need • 1 tbsp butter or cooking oil spray • 1 box brownie mix • 1 ½ cups marshmallow fluff • 1 ½ cups semi-sweet chocolate chips, melted • 1 cup peanut butter

I started playing around in the kitchen, the way I do all the time, hoping to come up with something tasty for her that wouldn’t bring out her allergies. As I experimented, I realized she can eat a lot of fresh ingredients – fresh herbs and fresh vegetables. So I created this recipe by marinating the chicken in olive oil, lemon juice, and fresh cilantro. It’s absolutely delicious, and my friend was overjoyed. What You Need • ¾ cup olive oil • 1 tsp pepper • 2 cloves garlic, • 1 cup chopped minced fresh cilantro • 3 lemons • 2 boneless, skinless • 1 tsp salt chicken breasts

What You Do •G  rease the glass baking dish with butter or cooking spray.

What You Do • Pour the olive oil into a bowl, add the garlic, and squeeze the juice from the lemons into it. Toss the lemon rinds into the bowl after you squeeze them, to marinate and cook with the chicken.

•B  ake the brownies according to the box instructions.

• Add the chopped cilantro and the salt and pepper.

•O  nce the brownies are done, let them cool approximately 30 to 40 minutes before proceeding.

• Place the chicken in the mixture and coat with the marinade. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and let marinate for 20 to 30 minutes in the fridge, so the meat can absorb the flavors.

• S pread some of the marshmallow on top of the cooled brownies with a rubber spatula. • Melt the chocolate with the butter in a bowl in the microwave for 30 seconds. Check it; if the mixture is not fully melted, put it in for another 15 seconds, and then check and stir again. Repeat if it is still not fully melted. (Some microwaves are more powerful than others.) •A  dd ¼ cup of the melted chocolate on top of the marshmallow. • Follow with a layer of peanut butter. •R  epeat this process until you use up all the ingredients.

• Pour the marinade with the chicken into a frying pan. Cook over low to medium heat. You are poaching the chicken, so it should just bubble at a low simmer for about 15 to 20 minutes. • The chicken is done when the meat turns from a translucent pink to a complete white, and pulls apart easily. • Take the meat out of the pan and place it on a cutting board. Slice the chicken diagonally, into slices about ½ -inch thick. Transfer to plates and serve with sauce from the pan.

Totally useless fact: Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.


oooh, nasty!

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Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.

Totally useless fact: Maine is the toothpick capital of the world. It is also the only state whose name is one syllable

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SAY “HELL NO” TO JELL-O!

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Totally useless fact: On average, people fear spiders more than death.


SAY “HELL NO” TO JELL-O! By Ami Gavarian

How Gelatin

Is Made If you’re reading this while scarfing down handfuls of gummy bears, you might want to take a second to grab a barf bag. We’re delving into the disturbing and disgusting process by which gelatin is made. In case you thought it just magically appeared in your Jell-O box as a delicious, red-colored powder…

Gettin’ Started Much like your mother’s tuna surprise dish, there are many different (and indistinguishable) ingredients that make up gelatin. Pig skin (44 percent), bovine heads (28 percent) and bones (27 percent) – yes, bones – are the main products involved. Contrary to popular belief, hooves and horns are not used as ingredients. By extracting collagen from the bones, connective tissues, organs and intestines, a protein is produced (by partial hydrolysis) that is eventually broken down and rearranged. The end result is a substance that melts when heated and hardens when cooled.

Makin’ Molds The raw materials listed above are taken and cured so that the

dried collagen can be extracted. Think of it as the complete opposite of what Joan Rivers has done to her face every morning. This process may take up to several weeks and can result in varied finished products. In order for the collagen to be correctly converted to gelatin, the intermolecular and intramolecular bonds that stabilize insoluble collagen (making it insoluble) must be broken, and the hydrogen bonds that stabilize the collagen helix must also be broken. You know… just like your middle school science experiment.

Eatin’ the Jell-O Once the extraction and recovery processes finish, the gelatin is

combined with slightly more appetizing ingredients to make up some of our favorite foods, like yogurt, ice cream, Peeps, jam, cream cheese, marshmallows and margarine. And while you may never eat any of those foods ever again after reading this article, rest assured that unless you’re a strict vegan living in some hippie commune in the woods, you’ve ingested more animal bones than Cartman has cheesy poofs and pot pies. Anyone else hungry?

Bon Appetite! Totally useless fact: No word in the English language rhymes with “MONTH.”

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WHO STASHED THE CANDY

e Scan th

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to s trailer!

flicks Broken City

Mama WHAT: Comedy WHO: Marlon Wayans,

Essence Atkins, Nick Swardson, Alanna Ubach WHEN: January 11 In a horror-flick spoof playing off of the Paranormal Activity series, Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) and Kiesha move into their dream home only to learn that a demon lives in the house as well. The demon possesses Keisha and Malcom, motivated to keep his sex life in tact, hires a priest, a psychic (Swardson) and a team of ghost-busters to drive the demon from the house. campus talk

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WHAT: Action Crime Drama WHO: Sean Penn, Ryan Gosling,

Josh Brolin and Emma Stone WHEN: January 11 Sean Penn takes on the role of notorious gangster Mickey Cohen in his pursuit to take over Los Angeles through violence and money. Cohen manages to slip through without getting caught and the law is no longer working in the cities favor. To take down Cohen, John O’Mara (Brolin) and Sgt. Jerry Wooters (Gosling) form a small renegade squad of cops, but this time around, they’re leaving their badges at home.

By daniel sutphin

A Haunted House

Gangster Squad

WHAT: Horror WHO: Jessica Chastain,

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau and Megan Charpentier WHEN: January 18 Presented by Guillermo Del Toro (Pan’s Labyrinth), Mama tells the story of Annabel and Lucas and their challenge in raising his two young nieces. They take in the nieces after they are found in an abandoned cabin in the woods where they were left alone for five years. The couple discovers that the two young girls were not as alone as perceived when a ghost the girls call Mama appears in their home and tries to destroy the couple.

WHAT: Crime Drama Thriller WHO: Mark Wahlberg, Russell

Crowe and Catherine Zeta-Jones WHEN: January 18 The New York Mayor Nicholas Hostetler (Crowe) calls on an ex-cop Billy Taggart (Wahlberg) for a favor. The Mayor’s great success in turning around what he calls a “broken city”, had him loved by his people, however not by his wife. He hires Taggert to follow his wife to learn with whom she is having an affair. Taggert learns the identity of the other man and Hostetler wants Taggert to execute him. Taggert tries to break his and the Mayor’s deal but the Mayor blackmails Taggert in attempt to keep him in check.

The Last Stand WHAT: Action Crime Thriller WHO: Arnold Schwarzenegger,

Johnny Knoxville, Eduardo Noriega and Forest Whitaker WHEN: January 18 Schwarzenegger returns to the leading role as Sheriff Ray Owens. Owens oversees a docile border town Sommerton Junction after leaving his LAPD position that, due to a botched job, left him defeated. When a wanted drug kingpin escapes from jail and heads for the border, Owens and his novice troupe of deputies are the only thing standing between the kingpin and his freedom.

Totally useless fact: Easter Sunday is always the first Sunday after the first full moon after March 21.


rent me! Seven Psychopaths WHAT: Comedy WHO: Colin Farrell, Woody

Harrelson, Christopher Walken and Sam Rockwell WHEN: January 29 In this dark comedy, a struggling screenwriter (Farrell) finds himself caught in the shady criminal underworld of Los Angeles when a gangster gives chase to he and his friends (Walken and Rockwell). His friends inadvertently provoked the gangster when they kidnapped his beloved Shih Tzu as a way to make money for a dog kidnapping ‘business’.

Small

Screen The Trouble with Bliss WHAT: Art House/Foreign, Drama WHO: Michael C. Hall, Chris

Hit and Run WHAT: Action Comedy Romance WHO: Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell,

Bradley Cooper, Kristin Chenoweth WHEN: January 8 Protected witness Charlie Bronson (Shepard) has been living a peaceful life since selling out his old gang and best friend (Cooper). But when his girlfriend needs help getting to Los Angeles, he must risk his fake identity to get her there. The former getaway driver must put his retired skills to task as he outruns the feds and his former gang.

The Cold Light of Day End of Watch WHAT: Crime, Drama, Mystery WHO: Jake Gyllenhaal, Michael

Peña and Anna Kendrick WHEN: January 22 Two young Los Angeles police officers Taylor and Zavala watch the city’s meanest streets of south central. Amid a routine traffic stop, they confiscate a small batch of money and firearms. As they investigate further, they make a startling discovery that leaves the two marked for death by a notorious cartel.

WHAT: Action Thriller WHO: Henry Cavill, Bruce Willis

and Sigourney Weaver WHEN: January 29 While vacationing with family in Spain, Will Shaw (Cavill) finds himself amid a conspiracy involving his father (Willis) and the CIA. Threatened by the kidnappers, and unable to fully trust the CIA, Shaw must survive on nothing but instinct as he puts together the clues and tries to figure out just who is actually on his side; all the while, his family’s lives hang in the balance.

Messina, Brie Larson, Brad William Henke, Sarah Shahi, Peter Fonda, Lucy Liu WHEN: January 1 Dexter’s Michael C. Hall plays Morris Bliss, a 35-year-old who is stuck in a rut and makes no real effort to break the cycle. He wants to travel but doesn’t have money, he needs a job but doesn’t see any prospects, he still shares an apartment with his widowed father and still clings to the premature death of his mother, which has left him emotionally inept. He begins dating the 18-year-old daughter of a former classmate, and in doing so, finds his mundane existence on the verge of some much-needed changes.

Totally useless fact: In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world’s nuclear weapons combined.

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hilarious!

Some 15-year-old girlfriends decided to meet for dinner. They discussed where to eat and finally agreed on McDonald’s next to the Sea Side Restaurant because they only had $6.50 between them and Bobby Bruce, the cute boy in science class, lived on that street. Ten years later, the same girlfriends, now 25 years old, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because it had free snacks, there was no cover charge, the beer was cheap, the band was good and there were lots of cute guys. Ten years later, the same girlfriends, now 35 years old, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the combos were good, it was near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn’t be many whiny little kids. Ten years later, the same girlfriends, now 45 years old, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns. Ten years later, the same girlfriends, now 55 years old, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, it had windows which opened (in case of hot flashes), the wine list was good and the fish was good for their cholesterol. Ten years later, the same girlfriends, now 65 years old, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they had an Early Bird Special and the lighting was good. Ten years later, the same girlfriends, now 75 years old, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the food wasn’t too spicy and it was handicapped accessible. Ten years later, the same girlfriends, now 85 years old, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they’d never been there before.

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Totally useless fact: All polar bears are left-handed.


HIDDEN TREASURES!

Uncovering What’s Inside

The Unclaimed Baggage Center Have you ever wondered where all those endless stacks of unclaimed bags at the airport end up? Yeah, neither have we… but one store in Scottsboro, AL may have you rethinking that stance and taking a newfound interest in all things luggage! 90

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At the Unclaimed Baggage Center, abandoned luggage find a warm, cozy place to call their home. You know… the kind of touching story that brings a tear to your eye. All that sappy stuff aside, though, the UBC should interest you for one reason and one reason alone – it’s a never-ending trek for treasure, and you never know what you’ll find or how much it would be worth! When each unclaimed piece of luggage remains unspoken for, a 90-day waiting period ensues. If said luggage is still unclaimed after that, it ends up at the UBC for your enjoyment. Each bag may include anything from standard clothing to expensive jewelry and antique artifacts. Their values range from pennies to priceless depending on what gem (or germ) your luggage contains.

Some of the more unique discoveries at the Unclaimed Baggage Center include… • A 40.95-carat natural emerald • An authentic replica of a 19th-century full armor suit • The on-set costume of Hoggle from Jim Henson’s Labyrinth •A  beheaded Barbie Doll with $500 hidden in the neck • E gyptian artifacts dating back to 1500 B.C. (including a shrunken head) • A specialized NASA space-designed camera • A 5.8-carat diamond set in platinum • A parachute • A rattlesnake… yes, a live rattlesnake Totally useless fact: Walt Disney was afraid of mice.


hahaha

r Remembe to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

Q: What’s the best thing about babies? A: MAKING THEM!

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises. So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go. Noon comes, no dictator... 10 minutes longer... no dictator. One assassin turns to the other and says, “Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.”

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, “I’m going to give you some suppositories. I’ll insert one now, and then I’ll give you another one for later this evening.” Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, “Aahhhhh!” “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” she asks.

Crime doesn’t pay... Does that mean my job is a crime?

“No. I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!”

Totally useless fact: Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

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SO BAD IT’S AWESOME! By Daniel Sutphin

The Best Worst Movie Marathon Many bad things came out of the 80s – parachute pants, Steven Seagal, AIDS (okay so that was more the 70s) – but regardless, the 80s gave our culture quite an assortment of awful endeavors. Some things were so bad that they actually turned out to be good…such as the decade’s many cinematic marvels, or perhaps even the decade itself. The list of crap films could go on and on, so in an effort to apply some focus, I’m highlighting one production company that, through their films, best embodied this backbeat path to greatness, whether they meant to or not. Beyond Infinity was a production company in the 80s. After some thorough Internet digging, I was unable to come up with any other information, which I think, reveals a great deal about the kind of operation they had going. A bigger revelation, however, are the movies they produced. To give you a better picture of such folly, observe their filmography, of which I’ve provided some samples, as well as what might be some of the best movie posters EVER! BREEDERS (1986) In this horror sci-fi gem, a Manhattan General Hospital admits a group of young women who have been raped by a strange creature. Dr. Pace and Detective Andriotti join forces to identify the organic material on the victims, and to find the culprit. The victims are entranced and leave the hospital through an underground passage where their fate lies waiting.

ROBOT HOLOCAUST (1986) The sci-fi flick tells the story of a drifter from an atomic-blasted wasteland. He shows up at a factory with a clumsy robot sidekick. Slaves work to fuel the Dark One’s Power Station at the factory. A woman convinces the drifter to help rescue her scientist father, who has invented a device that can break the Dark One’s control over the slaves. They gathering a crew of allies to confront the Dark One’s evil servants. 92

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GALACTIC GIGILO (1987) An alien, Eoj, wins a game show in this sci-fi comedy. The grand prize is a trip to earth to have sex with as many earth women as he can. He meets Hildy, a reporter, who pens a biography on his travels. SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA (1988) A comedy horror, Sorority Babes finds three frat boys sneaking into the Tri-Delt sorority to witness pledge initiation. They get caught and must join the pledges in stealing a trophy from a bowling lane. The trophy breaks, releasing an evil imp who wreaks mayhem on the teens.

CANNIBAL WOMEN IN THE AVOCADO JUNGLE OF DEATH (1989) In this action comedy, starring Bill Maher (yes, that Bill Maher), the government hires a feminist to find the Piranha Women, who live in the uncharted Avocado Jungle. Her mission is to convince them to move to a reservation condo in Malibu.

Aside from each one sounding like the premise of some equally bad porn, they managed to dish out nine more of these train wrecks. The benefit that stands now is the pleasure that we as a culture have in watching such disasters. Venture forth and find these movies and show them to your friends. They could possibly contribute to one of the best movie marathons you have ever experienced… at least until the niche wears off.

Totally useless fact: The electric chair was invented by a dentist.


WE ALL KNOW ONE

i ncompeten t


one liners!

p u k c Pi s e n i L

ul f i t u a e b o You’re s de a m u o y t tha my t e g r o f e m . pickup line tar for If I had a s e you every ti m d my brig htene ve a day, I ’d ha galax y i n my ha nd.

You shouldn’t wear makeup. It’s messing with perfection!

There isn’t a word in th e dictionary for how good you l ook.

Fascinating. I’v e be looking at you en r eyes all night long because I’ v e n never see ea Is ther arby dark eyes witnh such so ne t r o m p u c r h i li g ht in them. a t s u j t a h or is t

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campus talk

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january 2013

Totally useless fact: Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.


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Campus Talk January 2013  

Campus Talk is a College Student's Best Friend: Gadgets, Movies, Celebs, Nightlife, Jokes, Tons of Fun!

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