If You Love Me, Let Me Go

By Madison Murdoch

Don’t you want this? No, I don’t. Don’t you love me? Yes, you’re home. Then let’s do it- it’s been weeks. What do I say? How do I speak? Don’t you want me? Not at all.

Then I’ll just go. Don’t leave. You don’t want me. I’ll try. It’s all those hormones. Sure it is. It’s your parents, your priorities. But it’s not. It’s you. It’s me.

Put me first. I can’t breathe. You’re the worst. You’re suffocating.

I love you. I love you too. This is what love is. NoThis is how you show it. NoThis is how you keep me. Don’t.

If you don’t love me, let me go. Selfish bitch.

Is this what love is? Sweet talk until I say no. Grounding. That’s what we are. You are roots that grew too far.

If you love me let me go, if you love me let me go, if you love me let me go, if you love me let me go,

I can’t see the sunlight from this far underground. I’ve convinced myself it will be dark forever when you’re not around. If you love me let me go. Please don’t make me be alone. They don’t know. They don’t know. Madison, you’re not a victim. Thanks. I say that to myself in the mirror every morning.

I’m afraid to exist in the silence of sunrise, to witness conversations with myself.

There’s more to catharsis than shedding tears with my car parked in the alley by my house every week.

Bang my head against the seat. You deserve it. Punch the dashboard. You’re worthless. Scream.

Reset. Fall asleep, swollen eyes, reddened face, a clear distaste for every part of who I am.

Because I cannot force myself to love romantically, because I am too weak to lose my best friend. Selfish. Like your mother. Selfish. Hurt, scared, like my mother, (like my mother), I grasp for dust in the air. I think that no one notices, or cares.

If you love me let me go. I don’t want to see myself when I’m alone.

Scars open fresh every time I smell wine on her breathyou know that. “Alcoholic in training.” Your lips stained with the words you’ve said in anger, insecurity. It is you. It is me. But I can’t, I won’t un-hear the things you take back.