THE RADISH WARNING: The contents of this page are entirely satirical. These stories should not be taken seriously, as they bear faint resemblance to reality. Unless… BY CAROLINE MASCARDO & ISAAC YOUNG
MASKS ON
T
he pandemic has proven that anything that can be turned into partisan politics will be turned into partisan politics. This has gotten to the point where stopping the spread of the COVID-19, more specifically wearing masks, has become a supposed fight over individual freedoms. “We simply can’t have members of the Congress waltzing around without a mask on,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. “It’s just not safe for the rest of us.” Desperate times call for desperate measures, so Democrats and COVID-19-cautious Republicans banded together to find creative ways to get anti-mask representatives to stop the spread while vaccine progress slowly advances. “It’s no secret that some of our peers who refuse to wear a mask are really into conspiracy theories,” said Rep. Ilhan Omar. “And while I absolutely abhor those kinds of lies, we figured we could use them to our benefit.” The plan involved convincing Rep. Marjorie
Taylor Greene that Antifa was responsible for the anti-mask narrative so she would relay this info to other conspiracy nuts. Representatives would have hushed conversations in front of Greene about weakening the conservative voter base with COVID-19 and anti-mask policies. Greene and many of her colleagues came to work with a mask the next day. Of course, only a very small percentage of the Congress is that gullible, so other measures had to be taken as well. Omar once again came to the rescue with another brilliant idea. “We found out that if we put out free masks with stuff like ‘MAGA 2020’ and ‘STOP THE STEAL’ on them, they couldn’t help but pick one up and put it on,” Omar said. The newly designed masks were completely gone an hour after they were laid out in front of the Senate and House chambers. Thanks to these few safety measures, no new cases of COVID-19 have been reported in the Congress for well over a month.
OH, BIDEN!
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ENTERTAINMENT APRIL 23, 2021
any citizens have been shocked by what the Biden presidency has done for America; or rather, what it hasn’t done. After a few months in office, he has successfully retracted some policies from the Trump administration, such as the transgender military ban and the Muslim ban, but beyond that, very little has changed. The most surprised demographic seems to be those of the Republican base. “I was very surprised to see no gay, Sharia, Antifa communism when he stepped into the Oval Office,” one Trump voter said. Many conservatives shared the same experience after repeated claims from Republican politicians that a Democrat president was a sure path to socialism. Republicans were dead set on creating a radical leftist Biden narrative to garner support. “If you drop that word into a speech or something, everyone gets scared immediately. We said [Biden is a socialist] so much that I forgot it wasn’t true myself,” Sen. Ted Cruz said.
On the other side of the aisle, Biden supporters seem certain that Biden is a godsend for American politics, but despite optimistic views from his voters, many actions the Biden administration has taken are deserving of criticism. One startling example is his continuation of an ageold American tradition: violence in the Middle East. In almost every way, Biden has shown signs of upholding the political institutions that have plagued America for years, but many have begun to idolize him alongside socialist revolutionaries of the past. “I just got this sick t-shirt with all of my political heroes standing side-by-side,” a Biden supporter said. “There’s Che Guevara, Vladimir Lenin and Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.” This political phenomenon has been a cause of great confusion for academics. “It’s remarkable that American political discourse is skewed so far right that centrism can be confused with leftist ideologies,” Professor John Brigham said.