Model Emotional Awareness As parents, we are human. It’s okay to say, “Do you hear the tone of Mommy’s voice? Is it angry or happy?” Extend that to asking kids. “Is this a good time to ask for a playdate?” is also a teachable moment, especially if you follow up with “What do you notice about Mommy that tells you it’s not? When might be a better time?” It’s also alright to say, “Mommy is feeling sad that I didn’t get that promotion at work. I’d like a little quiet time in the bath before I’m ready for stories.”
Feelings and the Body It is a BIG developmental step to notice our feelings cause thoughts and physiological reactions. If you have a child who has suffered from anxiety, it may have taken a while to realize the morning tummy aches were not hunger, but caused by feeling afraid. If you have a kid who has gone through a hitting or biting phase, you know that anger can have an almost instant physical reaction. Our kids have to be taught about these cues. Drawing a life-size cut-out of their body and colouring where they feel their feelings (colour code for different feelings, or just focus on one feeling), is a concrete way to start noticing this. This is also a great area for more modeling. “Have you noticed that when Mommy is really frustrated her hands turn into fists or when Daddy is nervous about a big meeting, he wears a jacket to work so people don’t notice his worry makes his body get sweaty?”
Build Skills There are things that are really frustrating for kids and that make them angry. It’s important to let kids feel their feelings. “I see when you are angry your body wants to yell. It’s not okay to yell at me, though. Let’s try yelling into your pillow and see if that gets your anger out in an appropriate way.”
Build Up to Responding to Other’s Feelings Michelle Borba (an American education guru) showed a kindergarten class a picture of a firefighter outside the twin tower site shortly after 9/11. She had brought in a pair of fireman boots to have the children stand in his shoes. She not only asked kids how they thought they would feel in his position, but what would they do to help that man. She talked of one little munchkin who said, “I’d give him my stuffy.” What a gift to raise a child with that empathetic heart. I’m a big fan of building these activities into your life preventatively, the way you do reading skills or numeracy. We are living in a quickly-evolving world of technology that both increases our accessibility to others and also decreases our interactions and intimacy with others. But we are, and will always be, social creatures. Just as math is a strength for some of us, social nuances are a strength for others. If it is a bit of a mystery for your child, the good news is it is something that can be taught. Alisa Bridger, MA, RCC, works as an elementary school counsellor and in private practice specializing in helping children and their families master their anxiety. More information and resources can be found at alisabridger.com.
Resources • Sesame Street has a whole section of clips on feelings, under Videos www.sesamestreet.org • A list of A to Z feeling words, with activities www.kidslife.com.au/Page.aspx?ID=1424 • Ruby’s Studio: The Feelings Show (DVD) • Have you Filled a Bucket Today? by Carol McCloud • The Way I Feel by Janan Cain
January/February 2012 15