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TH E BULLETIN• SUNDAY, JANUARY 27, 2013
ADVICE 4 E N T ERTAINMENT
ar acus vs. or acus: a ui e TV SPOTLIGHT By Neil Genzlinger New York Times News Service
Here at the Bureau for Solvi ng Problems That May o r May Not B e P r oblems, we have been on high alert recently because of the launch of yet another installment of perhaps the most vile series on television, "Spartacus." Our worry i s n o t s imply that a fresh batch of graphic limb severings and g r atuitousbreast barings has been unleashed on the television l andscape; such s t uf f w i l l always be with us. No, our concern is, as always, for the children. Specifically for those children who might accidentally stumble on the decidedly adults-only "Spartacus" while searching for the kid-friendly Sportacus. Sportacus is a s omewhat embarrassing but heroic character on "LazyTown," a show now i n p e rpetual reruns on PBS Kids Sprout and elsewhere, and aimed at preschoolers. "Spartacus" is, of course, the gladiator-themed series that returned to Starz on Friday night with a new season subtitled "War of the Damned." We here at the bureau are afraid that a toddler with a voice-activated remote control and poor diction who is looking to spend some time with Sportacus might end up instead in the "Spartacus" ver-
of the day and often can't distinguish appropriate shows from inappropriate ones, even when they are paying attention. So we've prepared this guide to help concerned moms and dads determine whether their preschoolers are watching Sportacus or "Spartacus." Clip and save: If the dominant wardrobe colors are brown and gray, and the men are costumed in something that resembles an adult diaper, your child is watching " Spartacus." Sportacus Courtesy Starz If characters are wearing and the other LazyTowners dingy, minimalist garb meant to generally go for a sleek look dispay well-oiled torsos, your in primary colors, but Spartachild has mistaken "Spartacus" cus and his warriors prefer for the "Lazytown" character dingy, minimalist garb, a sort Sportacus. of ancient metal-and-leather Depend whose main benefit is to leave a maximum amount sion of ancient Rome, where of torso for well-oiled display. the language is vulgar, and The women lean toward flimsy the bloodshed and c opula- garments that fall to the floor tion are copious. This would at the slightest provocation. be an unfortunate mistake, Modesty, it appears, was not a because while Sportacus en- significant part of ancient Rocourages fitness and healthy man culture. eating, "Spartacus" takes aim If men t w ir l r a ther than at pretty much every base in- flip, your child is w atching stinct human beings have. The "Spartacus." The p r eferred first eight minutes of the "War acrobatic move in Spartacus' of the Damned" premiere Rome is the no-look decapitacovered bloodlust, carnal in- tion, accomplished in battle by dulgence, vulgarity and don't- twirling with sword extended try-this-at-home s w o rdplay, in such a way as to remove not to mention laughably inept the head of whoever is standspecial effects. ing behind you. Sportacus is Most parents, we at the bu- also gymnastically inclined reau know, are too busy to but favors handsprings and monitor their children's tele- front flips and rarely decapivision viewing every second tates anyone. But it should be
noted that he does occasionally speak sternly to Robbie Rotten, the anti-exercise, procandy villain of LazyTown. If the bleeding in the show is always in slow motion, your child is watching "Spartacus." This seasonSpartacus isleading a rebellion against Rome, and it begins with a vast battle that shows off this series' best skill, such as it is: capturing blood as it spurts, splatters and sprays in super-slow motion. A charactercan'tgeta paper cut in this series without causing the camera crew to go berserk over the dubious beauty of hemorrhaging, lovingly rendering it in the way a nature cinematographer might show an erupting geyser. This is usually followed by a slow pan of the twitching, dying victims and their lopped extremities and detachedentrails,cheesylooking scenes that appear concocted from a communitytheater prop closet. In "LazyTown," in contrast, residents rarely bleed, though Sportacus and Robbie Rotten did once have a Wild-Weststyle duel in which Sportacus knocked Robbie's cowboy hat off with an apple. If characters are alternately speaking i n p s eudo-Shakespearean gibberish and emitting f erocious GRAWWWWWs, your child is watching "Spartacus." Sportacus, who is portrayed by an Icelandic fellow named Magnus Scheving, speaks in straightforward
otentia o arents ee si te
if slightly accented English. Over on "Spartacus," the writers try to give their noxious show a veneer of sophistication by having everyone converse in flowery prose that aims to suggest Shakespeare, a device that also serves to hide the absence of any real plot beyond fighting and fornicating. Their favorite dialogue crutch, though, isn't a word at all; it's a lusty, roaring growl, which men emit when killing someone, being k i lled, celebrating a killing, being tortured, devouring a meal or just when they want to express their manliness. "My incredible macho buffness is beyond human speech," theseroar-growls seem to say. Either that or: "Who are we kidding'? No one is watching this moronic show for the dialogue, so let's just growl." Other telltale signs that your child has tuned in "Spartacus" rather than Sportacus include the eating of barely cooked meat (Sportacus advocates fruits and vegetables); ram-
pant misogyny (on "Spartacus," putting a woman to death by nailing her to a cross isn't
enough; she has to be slugged, too); and scenes that mix sex and bloodshed (because sophisticated viewers demand that images of naked bath attendants be intercut with shots
of a warrior plunging a sword into another man's mouth). Sheesh. Even Robbie Rotten
would be appalled.
MOVIE TIMESTODAY • There may beanadditional fee for 3-0 and IMAXmovies. • Movie times are subjectto changeafter press time. I
Dear Abby: My fiance's friend "Art" and his wife, "Julie," just had a baby. While Julie was pregnant she asked my fiance and me to be godparents. Although we c ould not attend her baby shower due to a previous commitment, we c o n tributed several gifts as DEAR well as a quilt I had made. A few weeks later, Julie posted on her social networking site that she was thankful for her baby's godparents and named an entirely different couple — not us. I am offended. If she had discussed her reason for the change with me, I would have understood. But there was no dialogue, and to this day I have never received so much as a thank-you for our shower presents. I would like to distance myself from Julie, but without damaging the relationship between Art and my fiance, who thinks I am overreacting and should let it go. What are your thoughts? — Not a Godmother Dear Not a Godmother: Julie
it would mean they'd have to have Cindy officially committed, and they think there is still some magic doctor out there who will fix her. Can my husband do anything as courage to say so. a last effort before something hapWhether you can pens toone of his parents, or she let this go only you winds up in jail? can decide, but I do — Sad in Texas think that before you Dear Sad: Your husband should make up your mind, try to convince his parents to get you should have a some family counseling. It might c hat with he r a n d help them accept that their daughclear the air — if only because your ter needs morehelp than they are fiance and her husband are such equipped to give her. An outside, good friends. objective person should w eigh Dear Abby:My husband's young- in so that Cindy can get the proer sister, "Cindy," is mentally ill. fessional help she so obviously She has caused tremendous prob- needs. lems in the family. She has been arIf she is physically, psychologirested too many times to remember cally or emotionally abusing her and is now on five years' probation parents, Adult Protective Services for injury to a child. My in-laws can stepinto be sure they are procontinue making excuses for her tected. When your in-laws pass and arethe worst enablers I have away, if your sister-in-law becomes ever known. a danger to herself or those around My husband once urged his dad her, afamily member can request to put Cindy into a group home or a commitment and psychological program that will take care of her evaluation. — Write to Dear Abby at dearabby.com because his parents are getting up in years. They refuse because or P0. Box69440,Los Angeles, CA 90069 may have been upset that you and your fiance didn't attend the baby shower, or she may have spoken too quickly when she asked you to be godparents and didn't have the
ABBYQ
HAPPY BIRTHDAYFORSUNDAY, JAN. 27, 2013:This yearyou become even more aware of the differences between you and others. You often could becomediscouraged by the demands of a professional situation. You have the ability to see both Stars showthe kind sides of an issue, of day you'll dave an d you will try ** * * * D ynamic to find a solution ** * * P ositive th a t works for ** * A verage everyone involved. ** So-so If you are single, * Difficult be careful not to give up your power for a relationship; be yourself. If you are attached, you each will work on making an equal contribution, whether it is regarding your bills, your home or even walking the dog. This balance will make your interactions easier. LEOloves people as much as you do. Both of you express your compassion differently.
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SCORPIO (OCT.23-NOV. 21)
* ** You might notbeasrelaxed asyou might like. Attend to a work-related matter or deal with a responsibility that concerns yourself alone. You also might consider you. Clear up this issue, and you might returning some phone calls more enjoy the rest of the day. A loved one regular ly.Catch up on someone's news.A might be upset thatyou canceled plans. situation makes more sense once you hear Tonight: Aforce to be dealt with. the other side. Tonight: Out and about. By Jacqueiine Bigor
CANCER(JUNE21-JULY 22) ** * Let go of your opinion of an issue if you want to get along better with a key person. Carrying a grudge will not help. Try to confirm meeting places. If someone says anything that sounds off, ask this person to repeat what he or she meant. Tonight: Get a good night's sleep.
LEO (JULY23-AUG. 22j
** * * T he world seems to revolve around you for the moment. Afamily member appreciates your efforts, yet you ARIES (March 21-April19) need to respect his or her decision to want ** * * * Y our imagination might to be left alone. Give this person some wander while you are trying to stay in the space, but still offer your compassion. moment. You easily could be involved in a Tonight: Whatever makes you smile. misunderstanding as a result. Rather than VIRGO(AUG.23-SEPT.22) get upset at what unfolds, tap into your ** * T ake some much-needed time sense of humor. Share what is going on for yourself. A difficult conversation with you, and allow others to lighten up. might haunt you. You could be taking Tonight: Act like it is Friday night. a conversation too personally. Meet a TAURUS (APRIL20-MAY 20) special friend for a late brunch. A little ** * S omeone very important to your time away from your normal setting will well-being could be out of sorts as of make all the difference. Tonight: Vanish late. Dote on this person, but only if you while you can. really want to, as he or she could be quite LIBRA (SEPT.23-OCT. 22) critical. Knowyour limits. Be careful with ** * * A i m for more of what you want. spending; otherwise,you could make an Oo not allow yourself to overspend or error. Tonight: Close to home. go to extremes, as you might feel a little GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE20) out of sorts. Question what is going ** * * Reach out to others. You will on between you and someone else. have only yourself to blame if you find Messages could get confused very easily.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV.22-DEC. 21)
** * * K eep reaching out to someone at a distance, as you might want additional information. Listen to what this person desires, and then decide whether you can be instrumental in helping him or her reach these goals. Remain open. Tonight: Stay present in the here and now.
CAPRICORN(DEC. 22-JAN. 19j ** * * Y our ability to relate on a oneon-one level emerges with a key person. At the same time, you might want to distance yourself from groups and crowds. Confusion surrounds a trip or a fun get-together. Confirm that everyone is on the same page. Tonight: Dinner for two.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18) ** * You could feel discouraged or overwhelmed by everything you must complete; on the other hand, if you stay present in the moment, you might not believe what you are hearing! Play the role of the observer, and decide to say little. Tonight: Go with a suggestion.
PISCES (FEB.19-MARCH20) ** * * A c knowledge a change of plans. Let others know how you feel rather than leave a situation hazy. Oo not be surprised if you witness a child or loved one throw a tantrum. Be gentle yet smart in dealing with this matter. Tonight: Happy to chill. © 2013 by King Features Syndicate
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4 p.m. on H f3, "2013 Pro Bowl" —The NFL'sbest — minus the players for the teams participating in Super Bowl XLVII next week and any other players who have to withdraw due to "injury" — turn up at Aloha Stadium in Honolulu to perform in the 2013 Pro Bowl. Enjoy it while you can,becauseNFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has threatened to cancel his league's all-star game if players don't put enough effort into it. 5 p.m. on TNT,"19th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards" — It's the award show where actors honor actors. Top honors for acting in film and television will be presented during this live, star-packed two-hour event, which airs on TBSand sister channel TNT.Dick Van Dykeis this year's recipient of SAG's Life Achievement Award for his contributions to acting and his involvement in humanitarian and public service causes. 8 p.m. on DISC,"Monster Squid: The Giant Is Real"Discovery Channeland Japanese broadcaster NHKjoin forces to find the mysterious giant squid, which has never been filmed in its natural habitat — until now. In this new special, the first-ever footage of the giant squid where it lives will be revealed. 9 p.m. onH, "Masterpiece Classic" —The Crawley family faces its severest test yet. Meanwhile, new faces try to fit into the tight-knit circle of servants, and new evidence turns up in a baffling case as the third season of "Downton Abbey" continues. Hugh Bonneville, Michelle Oockery, Laura Carmichael and Brendan Coyle star. 9 p.m. on FOOD,"Rachael vs. Guy Celedrity Cook-Off" — Rico Rodriguez, aka Manny of "Modern Family," is the guest judge as the remaining celebrity team members vie to throw the most kid-pleasing birthday party for one lucky girl and boy in the new episode "Picky Palates." ©zap2s
E LEVATIO N Elevation Capital Strategies 400 sw BluADrive suite 101 Bend Main: 541-728-0321 www.elevationcapital.biz
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McMenamins Old St. Francis School, 700 N.W.Bond St., 541-330-8562 • CHASINGMAVERICKS(PG) 6 • FLIGHT iR) 9 • WRECK-ITRALPH(PG)Noon, 3 • After 7p.m.,showsare21and older only. Youngerthan21 mayattend screenings before 7p m.ifaccompanied by a legal guardian. t
10 a.m. on H A, "NBA Basketdall" —A tripleheader of NBA action awaits fans this afternoon and evening, starting with this tilt in Boston between the Celtics and their Eastern Conference rivals, the Miami Heat. Then Western Conference foes collide when the Oklahoma City Thunder visit the Los Angeles Lakers. The slate wraps up on ESPNwith the New York Knicks hosting the Atlanta Hawks.
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Regal Pilot Butte 6, 2717N.E.Li.S. Highway20, 541-382-6347 • ARGO (R) 12:I5, 3, 6 • DIANA VREELAND: THEEYEHASTOTRAVEL (PG-13) 1, 3:45, 6:30 • HYDE PARK ONHUDSON(R) I:15, 7 • THE IMPOSSIBLE (PG-13) 12:30, 3:30, 6:15 • LES MISERABLEB (PG-13) I2:45, 4 • RUSTANDBONE(R) 4:15 • SILVER LININGSPLAYBOOKiR) Noon, 3:15, 6:45
Tonight: Make a caring gesture.
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Regal Old Mill Stadium16 & IMAX,680 S.W.Powerhouse Drive, 541-382-6347 • BROKEN CITY (R) 1:40, 4:35, 7:10, 9:50 • DJANGOUNCHAINED (R) I2:50,4:20,8 • GANGSTER SQUAD(R) 'l2:35, 3:45, 7:15, 10 • HANSEL5 GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS iR)11:35a.m., 1:55, 6:45 • HANSEL& GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS 3-D(Rl4:15,9:15 • HANSEL5 GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS IMAX (PG-13) 11:45 a.m., 2:05, 4:25, 7, 9:30 • A HAUNTED HOUSE(R) 10 • THEHOBBIT:AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY (PG-13)2, 9:40 • THEHOBBIT:AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY3-0 (PG-13)6 • JACK REACHER iPG-13) 3, 9:20 • THE LASTSTAND(R) 1:05, 3:55, 7:25, I0:05 • LES MISERABLES iPG-13i 11:40 a.m., 3:05, 6:30, 9:55 • LIFEOFPI(PG) I2:15 • LIFE OF PI 3-0 (PG)3:20, 6:15, 9:10 • LINCOLN (PG-13) 11:50 a.m., 3:10, 6:25, 9:45 • MAMA(PG-l3) 1:30, 4:40, 7:35, I0:05 • MOVIE 43lR) 1:45, 4:45, 7:50, 10:20 • PARKER (R) 1:20, 4:05, 7:20, 10:10 • SKYFALL (PG-13)11:55 a.m., 6:05 • THIS IS 40(R) 12:25, 3:30, 6:40 • ZERO DARK THIRTY (R) 12:05, 3:35, 6:55, 10:15 • Accessibility devices are available for some movies.
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Tin Pan Theater, 869 N.W.Tin PanAlley, 541-241-2271 • CHASING ICE(PG-13) 5 • THE FOX ANDTHECHILD(2007 — G) Noon • KEEP THE LIGHTS ON(no MPAArating) 3 • OCCUPIED CASCADIA(no MPAArating) 7 I
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541-382-4900
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Redmond Cinemas,1535 S.W.OdemMedo Road, 541-548-8777 • HANSEL5 GRETEL:WITCH HUNTERS(R) Noon, 2:15, 4:30, 6:45, 9 • THE HOBBIT:ANUNEXPECTEDJOURNEY(PG-13) I1 a.m., 2:30, 6:05, 9:30 • THE LASTSTAND(R) 11:45 a.m., 2, 4:15, 6:30, 8:45 • ZERO DARK THIRTY (R) 11:30 a.m., 2:45, 6:05, 9:15
Sisters Movie House,720 DesperadoCourt,541-549-8800 • DJANGO UNCHAINED(R) 2:30, 5:30 • LIFE OF PI (PG)1, 3:30, 6:15 • SILVER LININGSPLAYBOOK(R) 1, 3:30, 6:15 • ZERO DARK THIRTY (R) 2:15, 5:45 Madras Cinema5,1101 S.W. U.S. Highway97, 541-475-3505 • GANGSTER SQUAD(R) 2:10, 4:35, 7 • HANSEL5 GRETEL:WITCH HUNTERS3-0 (R) 1:15, 3:20, 5:25, 7:30 • A HAUNTED HOUSE(Rl 1:20, 3:15, 5:10, 7: l0 • THE LASTSTAND(R) 2:40, 5, 7:20 • SILVERLININGSPLAYBOOK(Rl 1:45, 4:15, 6:50 Pine Theater, 214 N. Main St., 541-416-1014 • DJANGOUNCHAINED lR)Noon,3:20,7 • LINCOLN (UPSTAIRS — PG-13) 1, 4, 7: I5 • Theupstairs screening roomhaslimited accessibility.
Pnisleq Hello mV nnme is PoisleV! I om nn ndoroble hoppV Qo luckV 4 month o ld L n brndor/Chihunhuo m i x thnt wns brought to HSCO from on overcrowded shelter. I love to «uddle nnd give kisses. I om
verv much n puppv nnd I om not nlwoVs perrect. But heV, who is? IF Vou nre reodV For n wonderrul ndventure like I nm then come down to the shelter todnV ond ndopt me!
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