SATURDAY, JANUARY 17, 2015 • THE BULLETIN
Apps
Peanut butter
Continued from D1
Continued from D1 According to ConAgra, the company will continue selling to corporate customers
It worked for a day or two. The bother of having to find
my iPhone, so I could capture, say, the handful of cashews
through another factory, this one in Streator, Illinois, with
that I w a nted to eat w h ile watching TV at night was a powerful corrective. But grad-
the same recipe as the one used in Fredonia.
ually, the idea of photo-documenting my dietary intake
Manly sounded skeptical. "We can't be sure," he said, "because they won't be using the same equipment or the same personnel."
struck me as abject, like Andy
Warhol obsessing over his taxi receipts or Howard Hughes hoarding bottles of his urine. Moreover, I had perhaps naively hoped that my afternoon enablers — the people who grace the world with baked goods — would balk at my
If you want to see the last
of the Fredonia Red Wing being made, Manly suggest-
a ccount o f
"Cool idea, bro," a vendor
w ant you t o t h in k i s t h a t you're just another number in the system because that is not
ley's visit, which lacked only "It was a whim," he said a brass band and bunting. of that fateful jar sent to the When Buckley and his wife, offices of National Review, Pat, reached the roaster, a while we drove to the Fredo- few hundred employees were nia factory in his Hyundai waiting to hear him speak. In Elantra. "I didn't really think a photo of the event, Buckley that anything would come of grins in a white lab coat over
the case."
it."
I
snapped away; a vendor at the Bread Alone stand at the
lllustration by Matt Huynh / New York Times News Service
TaskRabbit then asked, one
asked for my camera to take through 10, how likely I was the picture himself, saying he to recommend the app to a had the better vantage point. friend; I said nine. Asked why An ebullient, rawboned gen- I chose nine, I wrote, "Ease. tleman manning a coffee and The trope of the hot handydoughnut cartatthe corner of
man. The $15 initial discount."
Houston and Broadway also cheered me on; he said, "Technology is so high today. Soon they will be able to tell you in your head to go left, go right, go left." I asked him, "Is that the kind of future you want?" He said, "I don't know. But pictures of doughnuts are very nice."
A week later Greg and I hired Andy again, to fix the sagging springs on our dining room chairs. Slightly rattled by the prospect of beholding his good looks again, I found myself cleaning the apart-
Fitness
That's a heavy burden." Andy
ment before his arrival. An hour in, I told Andy: "I see that
Boss, Shop It to Me, and Gilt Groupe — I soon had ordered
account as a Christian actor. A Christian and a carpenter:
six pairs of pants, all of them returnable.
responded, "I'm not Christ."
flurry of cardboard boxes. I loved two of them, both from Gilt: a pleated, slightly nappy wool-cashmere blend from Incotex ($129), and a white and maroon striped pair of flannel-like flat fronts from Michael Bastian ($129). That evening, while trying these two pairs on, I told Greg: "Help me decidewhich pairto keep.The correct answer is, 'Maybe you should keep them both.'" Greg surveilled the offerings and said, "Maybe you should keep them both." Cue bluebirds.
I asked, "But have you considered growing your hair out Learn Hip Hop Dance, a se- and taking on a facial expresries of videos starring a highly sion of constant pain?" With charming Samuel L. Jack- mock anguish, Andy asked, son-type named Professor "'What have you people done Lock, who's given to expres- to me?'" sions like "Indubitably, indubiTwo and a half hours later, tably" and "Y'all stay in there I told Andy how great it was like swimwear." to find someone to do small You start with lessons like household tasks. I said, "In "Find the Beat" and "Shoulder an ideal world, you'd be like Lean." You ease into segments Kato Kaelin and live in our like "Strobing," "Bobbing," backyard." Andy's voice went "Ticking." Then you explode all twangy: "'We broke some into "Cat Daddy," "Smurf stuff, y'all!'" He smiled and Dance," "Sponge Bob," "Wa- confessed, "I don't know why tergate Dance." I did my best I did that w ith a S outhern to follow along to these vid- accent." eos while standing in my gym Had we simply gotten lucky clothes in the office I rent; I with Andy? A few days later, was up in da club like Dilbert. I went back onto TaskRabbit I had three good sessions with
cause it's condensed, and because it's pure routine, rather
than Learn Hip Hop's lesson-followed-by-routine — is the Johnson 8r. Johnson 7 Minute Workout. Here are seven
heart-hammering, sweat-producing minutes of push-ups and jumping jacks and other instruments of torture, somehow made palatableby each exercise's brevity (about 60 seconds) and recovery time (about 5 seconds). Though the app encourages you ultimately to do three circuits of seven-minute workouts, I wouldpoint out that that would be a 21-minute workout,
I've always maintained that
you can't buy pants or shoes online, because you need to try them on. So for my final app experience, I decided to try to buy a pair of wool pants. Typing my vitals in to three fashion apps — Hugo
and hired another rabbit, this one at $25 an hour, to dust a lot
T he pants a r rived i n
he kept the quips to a minimum as we toured the plant,
a
m ay seem surpris ing, buthe was around for Red Wing's food-lab formulation, in 1965,
and he says the idea was to knock off Jif, then the favor-
his jacket and tie.
ite in the Northeast.
Buckley told the crowd, neat-
a taste panel could not tell
ic. He said that he wished
Manly ticked the box for
two cases of Red Wing, and when Peggy went to fill his
Meanwhile, I returned the
other pants, all of which had fallen prey to two forces: the lack of universal sizing and an online consumer's inability to touch the merchandise. The
order, he gestured toward the
the tour, sitting at a table in
Brand ambassador
not. Brand devotion is often a mystery that fl avor can
For years afterward, visitors to Buckley's home in
only partly explain. Perhaps discovering an unbidden jar
factory floor and said, "Let's go.
Connecticut who expressed with an uncelebrated name any peanut butter enthusi- helped hook Buckley back in We walked past safety and asm weredared to resistRed 1981. Perhaps he'd never tried warning signs, including one Wing's charms. He praised Jif. that read "Allergens in Use." the brand so extravagantly Regardless, the closing of That seemed like a hopeful during a radio interview on the Fredonia factory can be
Shop It to Me pants, a light-
weight herringbone wool from Brooks Brothers ($248), were
hint that the peanut butter
Manhattan's WMCA that the
seen as the head-on collision
show's host, Barry Gray, said but when we reached that listeners cleaned out local part of the plant, there was stores. "The supermarkets in my not a peanut in sight. The line had shut down in November, neighborhood had a run on we were later told, though all the peanut butter," Gray told the machinery was still in Buckley when he next applace. peared on the show. "I don't That included a peanut kid you. There were simply roaster once hailed as the no Red Wing jars to be found world's largest, built to pro- for weeks." cess 10 tons an hour. BuckIn 1985, a New Yorker writoperation was still churning,
ley was on hand for the 1982 r ibbon-cutting for t h i s i n -
of this ardent free marketeer's two great loves: capitalism and p eanut butter,
or at least one production line of one brand of peanut butter. It's unlikely that this
would have presented a real quandary to Buckley, if only because at the time of hi s
death, he had a stockpile of Red Wing that his son de-
scribed as large enough "to see the most determined
er and fellow peanut butter
survivalist through the next
aficionado, James Stevenson, dustrial behemoth because wrote in the magazine about soon after he discovered the a pilgrimage to Fredonia and joys of Red Wing, Manly his own one-man taste test, invited him to speak at the conducted, he explained, beceremony. cause he was skeptical about "Without hesitation, my Buckley's judgment in interdad said, 'I'll be there,'" national affairs, economics Christopher Buckley recalled and virtually everything else. with a chuckle. "I never saw But the man was right about
that the pants weren't woolly
or unusual enough for me. "I like them," I said, "But
stead of two.
phatic on the question. This
Red Wing could be served the rear of his house. pointing out parts of it that at U.S.-Soviet disarmament The company w anted are more than 100 years old. talks, because once the Rus- a leading-brand impostor Red Wing is produced amid sians sampled it, "they would because its sales pitch to a jumble of old red brick and give up all their assets, com- s upermarket c h a in s w a s modern a l u m inum-sidedmunism and Karl Marx." essentially, "This is identibuildings on 42 acres of asHe took questions from re- cal to the best seller, but less phalt and lawn. porters and confirmed that expensive." As a f ormer employee, his friend Charlton Heston So if Red Wing was simManly has access to the fac- shared his devotion to pea- ply a Jif impersonation, why tory every Thursday, from nut butter. Though the ac- were Buckley and others so noon to 3 p.m., when he and tor, Buckley added, is of the smitten? Manly has a guess. others can place orders for "chunky reform faith." One way to keep down costs anything made here. He A s a t h ank-you for h i s was to refuse to store much entered with an electronic service that day, Buckley product. During Manly's tenkey card, and soon we were was given a lifetime's sup- ure, orders were accepted standing in a break room, ply ofRed Wing — a dozen 10 days in advance, and no where a dozen men in blue 18-ounce jars of the smooth more, limiting the amount of jumpsuits and white hard variety, mailed every six time jars waited on shelves to hats were eating over the din months. Each had a custom be shipped. of nearby machines. A wom- "Buckley's Best" label, with a R ed Wing m a y h a ve an named Peggy sat at a ta- copy of Buckley's autograph bowled over Buckley beble with a clipboard, ready to and his endorsement, "It is cause it was far fresher than take orders. quite simply incomparable." anything he'd ever eaten. Or
a kind of false advertising tan- Food their message is a little off. tamount to finding every copy On the home front, I could Their message is 'Sometimes of "War and Peace" and cross- also use some variation to the a t Work T hey A s k M e t o ing out the words "War and." rotation of 15 or so dishes that Change the Xerox Toner.' But I'm trying to say, 'Free Liquor I make for dinner. So I subAround the house scribed to Plated, a weekly ser- in the Faculty Lounge!'" LupiMy household ills take two vice that, for about $12 a plate, ta enthused, "I love that! Love forms. Most pressing are my sends you the ingredients and that." Three minutes later, as apartment's array of funky a recipe to make an entree. On I left the store, she bade me door hinges and other forms my first foray, I selected from goodbye with: "OK, lovey. You o f d i scombobulation. T h i s 10 great-sounding dishes and enjoy that, the free liquor in brought me into contact with chose roastedparsnips with the room." what would be my favorite of beef Bolognese, and carrot the apps, TaskRabbit. Here coriander soup topped with Final thoughts are scores of willing and able roasted, crunchy chickpeas. My three weeks of app mafolk proffering various kinds When my food arrived in an nia are behind me now. I'm left of domestic and event-staffing ice pack-equipped cardboard with a much-improved apartassistance. box two days later, I discov- ment, an exercise regimen I typed in my household ered I had been sent mustard that I can perform anywhere, tasks, my location and a date; chicken instead of the beef two pairs of great-looking TaskRabbit showed me 12 Bolognese. I called Plated, and wool pants,and many, many mini-profiles of people with a friendly employee named iPhone photos of muffins. I am handyman skills. Their rates Heather quickly emailed me barraged by emails daily from ranged from $38 to $250 an a recipe for the chicken, and most of the apps I used; nothhour. I chose Andy, the second credited my account $24. ing makes me feel quite as least expensive ($50), who had Then, some 30 minutes later, numb as a fashion app trying a large number of flattering I discovered I had been sent to interest me in its "sweater customer reviews. only one piece of chicken in- weather event." Warm and tall, Andy car-
Is it really worth all the
fuss? Manly is hardly em-
ly finding the seam between the difference between Red the grandiose and the com- Wing and Jif," he said, after
assisted living facilities. But
of books and help clean a rug. too tight. As were a pair of flat Upon his arrival, I told Tanael, fronts from Tiger of Sweden a friendly, young stand-up ($169); I wrote on Gilt's webcomic from Haiti, "I'm going site: "Tight as an embolism to reveal my deepest, darkest, stocking. You'd have to cut me most shameful secret to you." out of them with scissors." Tanael's eyes widened as he I had an errand to run near asked, "Am I ready for this'?" the Hugo Boss store in SoHo, He then helped my boyfriend so I presented the box of two and me to move our wood- Hugo pants to a helpful salesen sleigh bed 12 feet so that I man named Jorge who said could clean an 18-years-un- he'd send them back for me. touched hellpit of cat hair and I told a smiley, gorgeous colabandoned shoes thereunder. league of Jorge's (think Lupita The next day I wrote a re- Nyong'o in a gray man's suit) view for Tanael: "Tuh-NILE is tuh-RRIFIC."
jif knock-off
"Thank you for letting me " We worked on i t u n t i l attend this historic occasion," employees who were part of
A chatty guy with a puckish smile, Manly occasionally performs what he calls "stand-up Irish comedy" at
Fashion
you identify on your Twitter
two apps devoted to exercise.
Even better for me — be-
ing: "The last thing I would
venson concluded.
'I'll have to think about it.'" There are articles of Buck-
h o w W il l i am
Buckleybecame Red Wing's patron saint.
at a muffin cart on Low-
I had much better luck with
A stash of private-label peanut butter made by Red Wing is kept in the home pantry of Douglas Manly, a former executive there.
come quick. Two weeks later, he provided a tour of the premises, a parting look at the facility and a firsthand palaces in his day and said,
before I ate them. But these peopleloved Meal Snap.
Union Square farmers market
Ginny Rose Stewart/New YorkTimes News Service
ed in November, you'd better
taking pictures of their wares
e r Broadway told m e a s
D5
"The nightbefore his funeral," he said of his father, "into his coffin I slipped my mother's ashes, his rosary, the TV remote control — and a jar of Red Wing peanut butter. I'd
peanut butter.
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r
didn't keep it alL
sayno pharaoh went off to the "Red Wing is superb," Ste- next world better equipped."
him accept an invitation faster. And he'd been invited to
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Armageddon." But the younger Buckley
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I used to be ticked off when
ried a knapsack of tools; he is When I wrote the company possibly the handsomest man about the missing chicken, who has ever been in my boy- and recei ved an automated refriend's and my apartment. sponse asking what I thought
dles or our loose bathroom
the music servicePandora asked me, "Are you still listening?" because it seemed like a thousand pounds of neediness of Plated'scustomer service, from a source I wasn't expectI screamed at my computer. I ing. But nothing rivals the irriwrote back that I loved Plat- tation of being over 40 and tryed's food, but was confused ing to fit into pants fashioned about the chicken oversight. after drainpipes. "0, Plated. I don't know what I've gone two steps forward to do about you," I wrote. "I and oneback.In the end, I' m worry that your eye is on an- now more open to any techother customer — and that nology that will bring me into y ou sometimes whisper to contact with good workers this other customer, 'Extra and good services; but I'm chicken.'" more irritated than ever by A few hours later, though, emails that emerge from comHeather sent me a lovely re- merce's primordial soup. sponse. After I had ordered My story is bittersweet. I
tiles; but the next day, when
several more meals, when I ul-
Seconds after Andy arrived, I remembered with some em-
barrassment that my request had featured the sentence "I
have water spurting out of my tub handles." Andy, who is also an actor (he came fresh from auditioning for an Irish Spring commercial), methodically and quickly fixed four door hinges and a bureau drawer in an hour: blammo. He confessed that he didn't know how to fix the tub han-
know I'll never want to be told
TaskRabbit asked for a re- timately decided to terminate to go left, go right, go left. But view, I wrote, "This man has my subscription, she wrote now I think pictures of doughbrought joy into our home." that she was sorry I was leav- nuts can be very nice.
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