OFF THE PAGE WITH RAYMOND ATKINS

Presidential Journal 8-14-2025

I’m thinking about running for President. I don’t really want to do it, but for the good of the country I may have to. We are in a pretty big mess right now; things are getting messier by the hour, and the reason we are where we are is because for 250 years a succession of guys have put party, money, and power over people, and that is a tendency that seems to be growing exponentially under the Trump regime. I am referring to our past and current Presidents, of course, and especially our current one. And yes, they were all guys, but that is not my fault; I have voted for women for this office every chance I got and will continue to do so. Men just seem too emotional for this type of work. Plus there is The Johnson Problem, which is responsible for many more problems than solutions, and I will not go into it here. No, I’m not talking about LBJ.

Anyway, we have had a few good Presidents in the mix over the years, but even the good ones were not that good when it came to protecting the interests of just regular folks like you and me, and even when they did good things, they did them for the wrong reasons, which is almost as bad as not doing them at all. Take Abraham Lincoln as an example. He was arguably the best of the bunch—even though he was a Republican—and he believed in his heart of hearts that slavery was wrong. As we all know, he signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This was a very good thing, but there was a catch. He only freed the slaves in the Confederate States, and he freed them by confiscating them as war contraband and not as people, and if that is not an instance of doing the right thing for the wrong reason, I will eat my hat. So even though I am retired and have grown really fond of not doing much, I guess I’m going to have to take a run at it.

There are some things I must do prior to my run so I will be perceived as being “Presidential” and thus a viable candidate. The first and apparently most important of these is playing golf. Every modern President since Jimmy Carter has been a golfer, so if I want to be taken seriously, I’m going to have to start playing. Actually, when I was a young man I used to play golf, in a manner of speaking. At that time, I was a mill hand at Riegel Textile Corporation, and on payday mornings after a long night and longer week of cotton-milling, several of us lintheads would gather at the local golf course—which was originally built by the company for the exclusive use of its executives because, you know, it is really hard having the best jobs in the mill, and sometimes those poor boys just needed to relax. Anyway, we would ride around in rented carts, drinking beer and whacking at balls polo-style, before retiring to the clubhouse for a spirited game of Tonk. So, I do have some prior experience with the game, and it shouldn’t be that hard to pick it back up. I wonder if Secret Service agents know how to play Tonk?

Once I get the golfing thing sorted out, my next step will be to get a better phone. Don’t get me wrong; I love my old flip-phone. It is just one generation removed from having a curly cord coming out of the receiver. We have been together now for many years, and it has a level of technology I am comfortable with, which is to say, not much technology at all. It still works fine, and I can’t bear to just throw it away, so I might pass it on to some deserving member of my Cabinet. Perhaps my Secretary of Defense could find a use for it. Anyway, modern Presidents like to spend their days on their phones, “texting” and “posting” and “twittering” and all manner of other activities that have now taken the place of actually running the country, and if I wish to move in those circles, I must get on board. The first thing I will do with my new phone is post something egregious to get everyone stirred up. Perhaps my post will “trend”—which is something I am told is desirable—on its way to becoming “viral”—which is apparently the ultimate outcome for these things, even though it sounds like something that might put you into your bed for a few days.

Before I get too carried away with my plans, I suppose I’m going to need some money. Current fund-raising trends seem to center around pardoning rich criminals in exchange for big campaign contributions, but I have to tell you that this method just does not feel right to me. So, I am going to have a banquet. It will be $100 a plate and will feature Kentucky Fried Chicken plus two sides. Even people who say they don’t like KFC actually do, and provided my potential supporters don’t go crazy on the white meat, this plan should raise enough money for a new phone, some golf clubs, and maybe a necktie on top of that. And if not that many people show up, I can take the excess chicken home. That stuff lasts forever.

One last thing I will need is a catchy slogan. I never much cared for Make America Great Again because I always thought America was pretty great to start with and did not need to be changed into something less. Tippecanoe and Tyler Too has been used, and it never made much sense anyway. A Car in Every Garage and Two Chickens in Every Pot locks me into buying a whole lot of chickens, not to mention cars. How about Fix What’s Broken and Leave the Rest the Hell Alone. I like it. Perhaps it will trend.

Presidential Journal 8-20-2025

As many of you know, I recently announced my candidacy for President of the United States in 2028. Things have been going dazzlingly—which is a word—and the dollars have been rolling in: nine so far. On a side note, my Campaign Manager has asked that all spare change be rolled before donating. We appreciate the help, but pennies keep getting stuck in the Roomba. My Campaign Manager—the Mrs.—hates it when that happens.

With regards to the fundraiser I previously scheduled, it will go on as planned, but there will be a menu change. As it turns out, chicken is the new steak, and it has grown expensive. I guess it got tariffed. Plus, and I still can’t believe this, many of you have said that you don’t particularly like KFC, which is kind of un-American if you ask me, but I’m going to let it slide. Instead we are going to have a potato bar. Also, if you want to eat before you come, that would be great. And if you have a favorite casserole, bring it. And the nice Chinet Dinner Plates with the American flags on them are out, but we will double-up on the cheap ones so as to avoid any sour cream-related mishaps. Oh, and don’t forget your $100, and maybe bring a potato.

Some of you have asked why I declared my intentions so early, and I guess I ought to address that. I am running what is called a grass roots campaign, which means that I must rely heavily upon word of mouth, so the longer my campaign, the better. I am keeping this journal of my campaign as a record for posterity, and also to score some free advertising, but don’t tell Mandy that. She thinks this is just my column. Also, long campaigns seem to be the thing these days. Even our current President ran one, beginning on the very day he lost to his opponent in 2020. Yes, he really did. No, saying he didn’t does not change that fact. He did, however, take a day away from the campaign trail on January 6, 2021, stating that he had something else to do that day.

Many of my supporters want to know about my platform. A platform is political-speak for what I intend to do. This is a bit tricky, because my Presidency is going to be more about un-doing than doing, and by the time I get rid of four years’ worth of the crazy stuff done by my predecessor, my own four-year term will be completed. Then I will be through being President. This is a key plank in my platform. I am only planning on being a one-term President, because as I see it, much of the wrong in our country today happened because first-term Presidents made too many deals while trying to gain enough support to become second-term Presidents. As a matter of fact, once I become President, a one-term-limit for President will become the law. I realize I can’t legally do this, but I’m going to do it anyway via the Executive Order. It works like this: 1. I decide on a course of action that I don’t have the Constitutional power to legally perform. 2. I say, “Hell with that,” sign an Executive Order, and do it anyway. 3. Once all the smoke clears and it turns out I couldn’t do it after all, it is already done.

Stay tuned for my next update from Campaign Central.