LIFESTYLE LIVING
7
Take control
Adult children can push too many buttons JUDI LIGHT HOPSON, EMMA H. HOPSON AND TED HAGEN
D
o your grown children dump major problems on you? Are you fed up with the stress they’re bringing into your household? It’s not easy to know where to draw the line. For instance, if a son or daughter needs to return to the nest, it’s usually awkward or extremely difficult to say no. “I’d really like to retire, but I have to help my daughter financially,” says a woman we’ll call Katrina. “She’s living in her old bedroom with my 3-year-old granddaughter. I’ll never be able to relax again, much less retire!” Katrina and her husband are both hard-working owners of an advertising agency. They did everything right in raising their three children. But along the road of
life, they couldn’t control everything. One group of our friends recently met at a summer event. Four out of five of these people were raising their grandchildren. Society’s “norm” has certainly shifted. The nuclear family isn’t made up of two parents and two children, necessarily. Often, it consists of three generations living under one roof. To maintain your balance, try these strategies: — Define healthy goals that benefit everyone. For example, discuss your adult child’s priorities. If finding a job is at the top of the list, offer to help write a resume. Ask your child how you can help with the job search. — Don’t shame and blame. If
your son’s bankruptcy got him into hot water, work with your son vs. against him. Use words that say, “You’ll be fine.” Avoid acting judgmental, if at all possible. — Stay flexible. If you decide to chip in $50 a week to help with a grandchild’s daycare, don’t let it stress you out. While you’re working on a better plan, try not to agonize over doling out some cash. “I tried to stay calm in helping my daughter, Jenny, get back on her feet,” says a woman we’ll call Tracey. “Jenny left her abusive husband and moved in with me. I nearly fainted when she showed up with her three children in the middle of the night on my doorstep.” Tracey says she knew the marriage had problems, but her daughter never shared a lot of informa-
tion about the abuse. “We worked on healing from the first day she arrived,” says Tracey. “Instead of dwelling too much on the problems and pain, we decided to work a good plan. Day by day, we got things rolling. It was tough, believe me. We cried a lot. We couldn’t hide everything from the kids, especially when their dad started showing up on our doorstep. The main thing that kept me going was making sure my grandchildren would survive emotionally.” Tracey says she talked on the phone with her daughter’s abusive husband. “God help me, I tried to not sound overly crazy,” says Tracey. “I felt like ripping him
apart with my bare hands. But, I stayed calm and explained to him that we wanted him to heal and do well, but he needed to see a counselor. My daughter ended up divorcing him, but he now has visitation rights with the children.” Dealing with adult children can require you to deal with bad choices, emotionally disturbed lovers, drugs, crime and a lot more. It’s always a good idea to lower your reactivity and think logically. Drama itself can become an addiction, if you focus on it too much. (Judi Light Hopson is executive director of the USA Wellness Café website: www.usawellnesscafe.com. Emma Hopson is an author and nurse educator. Ted Hagen is a family psychologist.)