The Ethical Slut

compatibility: similar values, intellectual and esthetic interests in common, good sex, likes to eat the same food. We can connect with a much wider range of people as soon as we stop auditioning them for a together-forever role. You dont have to force anyone into a mold that doesn't fit: all you have to do is enjoy how you do fit together, and let go of the rest. friendly sex Nothing challenges culturally imposed boundaries for intimacy more than opening up the potential to share sex with friends. Catherine had lunch a while ago with Mary, one of the few friends remaining from her previous life as a monogamous married woman. At one point Mary remarked, "Hey, I guess I'm about the only straight friend you have left, huh?" "Yup," Catherine agreed. "In fact, you're the only friend I've never had sex with."

In singles culture, we can observe the "Land of One-Night Stands," in which you go home with a pick-up and share some hot sex, then the next morning you look at each other and decide if the relationship has life-partner potential. If not, you leave, with much embarrassment, and the unspoken rule is that you will never be comfortable with that person again, as they have been weighed in the balance and found wanting. We have no scripts for sexual intimacy in the middle, in the area between complete stranger and total commitment.

How do you learn to share intimacy without falling in love? We would propose that we do love our friends, and particularly those we share sex with: these individuals are our family, often more permanent in our lives than marriages. With practice, we can develop an intimacy based on warmth and mutual respect, much freer than desperation, neediness, or the blind insanity of falling in love. That's why the relationships between fuck-buddies are so immensely valuable. When we acknowledge the love and respect and appreciation that we do share with lovers we would never marry, sexual friendships can become, not only possible, but preferred. So while you're worrying that your sexual desire could cost you your best friend, the more experienced slut could be wondering- like Catherine- why you are the only friend he has never fucked.

Each relationship seeks its own level, or will if you let it. Like water, you and whatever person has caught your fancy can flow together as long as you let it happen in the way that is fitting to you both.

There are infinitely many ways in which people can come together, so here we will list only a few of the patterns that we have observed work well for some of the people we have known. All these get modified by your sexual preferences: monosexual, bisexual, transgender, S/M. Here we are talking about what are essentially the family structures of