2017
Cats Count Report
“Cats possess so many of the same qualities as some people that it is often hard to tell the people and the cats apart.” —P.J. O’Rourke
About Cats Count According to Urban Dictionary, a “cat” is defined as: “A quite pleasant furry creature that vaguely resembles a meatloaf. Cats are the most intellectually superior creature on Earth. They are particularly adept at training human beings to do their bidding, and spend 18 hours a day on average apparently sleeping. What they are really doing is coming up with ways to take over the Earth while still retaining humans to make that yummy cat food for them. If cats had opposable thumbs, they, not us, would be the dominant force on this planet.”
Scientific name: Felis catus Lifespan: 15 years (Domesticated) Gestation period: 64 – 67 days Daily sleep: 12 – 16 hours Mass: 7.9 – 9.9 lbs (Adult) True Origins: Planet Felinis in the galaxy Omicron Purrsei VIII
True Form: Ethereal beings of lights and whiskers. Famously Worshipped by: Egyptians Favorite Death Metal Band: Mewtallica
Mission
To take over the world one claw at a time. With each purr, the humans relinquish their hold on reality to us. Soon...
Vision
It’s ridiculously good. Like... they can practically see in the dark, bruh.
Values
The coveted fishy concoction locked inside those infernal cans high up in the cabinets.
Plan
See Mission. The humans really have no idea.
Disclawmer: We in no way own these pictures, except for the staff members in the back. No animals were treated unfairly in the making of this book. Except for having them sit long enough to take a picture, which we have come to understand is sometimes an actual method of torture. Also, this data is satirical in nature and is no way meant to be used as fact. Lastly, in an effort to really drive home the message, it is suggested that you listen to Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” whilst reading.
T hank you and enjoy!
Where Are They Meow?
Population
“I am the Cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me.” — Rudyard Kipling, author
796,230
Nebraska Cat Population (2016)
189,024
Nebraska Kitten Population (2016)
17%
of cat owners have three or more cats. (This is expected to increase by 2020. Because Cats.)
Cat Rurality classifications (2016) Not too many cats. This is fine. Oh look they’re multiplying. How cute. Wait... Uhm... Guys? Nope. Nope! NOPE. Waaaay too many cats!
CAt population by Coat Length (2016)
cat owners based on age (2016) 54%
70%
26%
40% 30% 15% 10%
’s+ 80
0’s ’s8 60
’s50 ’s 30
0-2 0’s
ss Ha irl e
ha ir
M
ed ium
ha ir Sh or t
Lo ng ha ir
5%
Health
“A cat can be trusted to purr when she is pleased, which is more than can be said for human beings.” — William Ralph Inge, author
Happiness and Hairballs
Feline Birth Rates (2016)
Feline addiction (2016) 79% have sought treatment from the Department of Feline Services for a catnip addiction.
21% refuse to admit 52% of kitten
48% of kitten
births were male.
births were female.
they have a problem.
Veterinary Treatment (2016)
35%
12% of cats do not receive veterinary treatment.
of cat owners say they have thought about buying pet insurance for their feline overlords in 2018.
88% receiving
1,232 cats
experienced a “serious emotional disturbance” upon hearing the sound of a vacuum cleaner in 2016.
In 2016,
9.3%
veterinary treatment are 100% sure you’re trying to kill them.
of cats actually experienced some form of elation upon their human returning home.
A perfect of Nebraska cats can’t even, because they are at odds. With everything.
5 7
89% of cats eligible
85% of cat owners say felines
for free meals upon contact with an animalloving human.
are smarter than dogs.
100% of dog owners don’t care.
Female
Test scores on Lessons in Pouncing, Biting, Purring, Killing anything that moves (2016) Long Hair
Short hair 100
84% Purring
80
92% Purring
50% Biting
100
33% Biting
60
80
96% Purring
67% Biting
40
20
20
88% Pouncing
78% Fluffy Murdering 65% Fluffy Murdering
46% Pouncing
77% Pouncing
42% Fluffy Murdering
49% Pouncing 74% Fluffy Murdering
Hairless 100
80
60
97% Purring
87% Biting
60
95% Purring
40
92% Purring
Male
40
Medium hair 84% Biting
100
77% Biting
80
78% Purring
65% Biting
60
80% Purring
46% Biting
40
20
20
55% Pouncing 86% Pouncing
22% Pouncing 52% Fluffy Murdering
36% Fluffy Murdering 85% Fluffy Murdering
80% Fluffy Murdering
56% Pouncing
do you even cat?
— Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette, author
Education
“Time spent with a cat is never wasted.”
in 2016, Nebraska cats experienced a shortage in tuna consumption in human efforts to help reduce their “pet’s� weight. The cats were not amused. Adoption Rates for Kittens (2011 - 2015)
80,000
Female Male
70,000 62,347
64,296
66,300 63,545
60,000
62,153
61,052 59,349 57,542
59,716 56,479
Studies showed that 72% of cats are more likely to get adopted if they completely ignore the person behind the glass.
20 15
20 14
20 13
20 12
20 11
50,000
2,189: number of kittens in out-of-home shelter placements in 2016. 785: number of displaced (lost) house cats in 2016.
kitten welfare
finding furever homes
“I love cats because I enjoy my home; and little by little, they become its visible soul.” — Jean Cocteau, director
99% of all Nebraska cats report owning their own home. In looking into actual home ownership records, it seems that there may be some confusion about what “owning the home” means.
100% cats
are considered to be living in “deep poverty”, living solely off human kindness and animal instinct. If dealings do occur, it is barter in the form of head boops.
More than 2 in 3 kittens were enrolled in the Women Intaking (More) Cats (WIC) Program, which makes efforts to ensure low income cats can receive the food they need.
85% of all Nebraska cats are “food insecure”, meaning that they don’t know where they next meal is coming from. It seems that there may be some confusion about the definition of “food insecurity” among cats, in that small blank spots at the bottom of a food bowl are not actually an indicator of food insecurity.
FEline Stability
Landing on all fours “The phrase ‘domestic cat’ is an oxymoron.” — George Will, columnist
“Those who’ll play with cats must expect to be scratched.” — Miguel de Cervantes, author
kitten Justice
claw and order
When polled in 2016, 5% of Nebraska cats admitted to an aspiration for world domination. The other 95% stared back blankly, because cats don’t talk. 72% of cats received disciplinary action as a result of behavioral issues such as, scratching furniture, biting, peeing in human shoes, and knocking cups off tables.
Forms of feline punishment: water bottles, being ignored, removal of toys, and the harshest of all, a closed door.*
The rate of behavioral incidents has been shown to increase with the arrival of night. Many claim a full moon increases these incidences further.
Average Time-Out time: 10 minutes
In the Feline Justice System, Nebraska cats are represented by a single, yet extremely important group. The humans who think that every cat is unique, and, with training, grow to be the very best. *Often perceived as an extreme method of torture
cats count coordinators
“helping Nebraska kittens, one paw at a time”
Xavi Rooney:
Rue Le Peu:
Chief Feline Officer (CFO)
Welfare AssociCat
Gir baby:
Grim:
Special Events (or not) Cuddler
Pawlicy Coordinator
Sydney:
Woods:
MarCATing and Development Leader
Chief Parcel rehabilitation officer
Bean:
Khalessi:
Community Outreach agent
Research and Destroy Facilitator
Zim Zim Badabim:
Louie:
Red Dot Acquisition Specialist
Head of security, Sniffer division
ef line TELLING THE WHOLE TAIL. 7521 Main Street, Suite 103 Omaha, NE 68127 402-597-3100 http://voicesforchildren.com
The Cats Count in Nebraska 2017 Report is generously supported by:
The Internet Any who pawsitively love cats as much as we do With additional help from:
Staff Members who have surrendered their dwellings to our Great and Powerful Feline Overlords