FE ATURES
It may or may not make sense to fully reconcile; each case is different. Forgiveness makes sense for victims of abuse—but reconciling with an abuser may not be wise. Reconciliation requires trust, and trust requires feeling safe. We must make sure that we are not confusing our Christian duty to forgive a person who hurt us with an urge to reconcile with that person, especially when trust has not been restored. 4. We didn’t close the case. Just as some people struggle to relax in the present when a project is unfinished, some hurts are so painful that the memories will pop up again. A news story or encounter reminds us of the painful experience, and it can feel like the problem never ends, never goes away. We may have dealt with the issue in prayer or with a pastor or counselor and assumed it is in the past—forgiven, over and done with. In situations where we have worked through a difficult forgiveness process, a final step can be helpful. Worthington indicates a final step called “holding onto forgiveness,” an important component in the successful treatment of unforgiveness. I have recommended people take some sort of meaningful action, as if to stamp “Case Closed” on the experience. One Easter weekend, a church my wife and I attended held a Good Friday service during which we were encouraged to write a concern on a paper then walk up to the front and nail it to a wooden cross. Maybe you don’t need a physical activity like this to put aside the past, but some type of action may serve as a reminder that you have truly dealt with the past. You have turned over the hurt to God, along with the desire for revenge. Nailing your pain to the cross, so to speak, can be a powerful way of closing off the past.
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There is another message from the cross. The image of Jesus broken, abandoned and hanging during His dying moments is even more powerful when we remember what He prayed: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23: 34a). The words suggest that He had already forgiven the abusers for their mistreatment. Now He was praying that His Father would also forgive those who had made His last days so full of pain and suffering. This is undeniably hard to do—but the ability to pray for those who have hurt us serves as a powerful marker that the old hurts are behind us. We have moved on. 5. We tried to find a meaning in the suffering, but it didn’t make sense. “Why didn’t God just take me?” asked my mother when she ended up in the hospital with a broken hip at age 93. She rehearsed the fateful event, directed her anger toward the inconveniences of hospital routines—and barely seemed to see her anger toward God. Many, from my mother to Job, have questioned God in times of pain and suffering, in a desperate effort to make meaning out of tragedy. Every year we learn of people killed, disabled and made homeless by hurricanes, tornadoes, floods or earthquakes. Good people and their families suffer physical and emotional pain in this fallen world. And they often wonder if or why God “let it happen.” Sometimes we do know the source of our suffering, and it still doesn’t make sense. A drunk driver slams into the car of our neighbor or friend. A deranged person enters a school or office and kills dozens of innocent people before killing himself. A
“I THINK TRUE FORGIVENESS MEANS YOU ALSO RECONCILE WITH THE PERSON WHO OFFENDED YOU.” (Source: Jaimée Allman and Geoffrey W. Sutton, Forgiveness, Reconciliation and Spirituality: Empirical Findings Regarding Conceptual Differences, 2009)
70.5% AGREE
17.5% DISAGREE