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Fighting Fair Four ground rules for ministry couples By PAMELA CROSBY
I
can still remember our first argument as newlyweds. My husband, Robert, said, “I’m afraid we’re going to get a divorce if this fighting keeps up.” My response was, “Are you kidding? This is nothing. We’re just warming up.” As a middle child who grew up between two brothers, I was used to debating and making my voice heard. Robert, the firstborn in his family, just wanted to keep the peace. Our dating relationship had been free of major conflicts, but that first year of marriage as youth pastors made up for it. One of our pastor friends described his experience with marriage conflict this way: “I taught her how to fight, and she taught me how to fight fair.” For us, it was reversed. In any case, we’ve learned over the years that disagreements happen in every marriage, and navigating them well is crucial. Just because you’re in ministry together doesn’t mean your union will be paradise. In fact, ministry can multiply the pressures couples face — and increase the temptation to direct all that stress toward each other. Clearly, we need some ground rules for fighting fair. Here are four important ones:
1. Keep the End in Mind A list of rules can be difficult to remember in the heat of the moment. But no matter how quickly things heat up, if we embrace this first guideline, it might save the day. When words start flying like foils during a fencing match, consider the rest of the day. Were you planning something fun or heading to an event? Is this issue really worth damaging the joyous atmosphere of your home? Is it worth scaring your kids? Is your opinion worth devaluing
22
Summer 2021
