things to do before you Live
by kai huang
one. become a physician. and by physician, i don’t mean those paul farmer types who spend all their time setting up clinics in third world countries. i don’t mean those public health nuts who talk about sanitation instead of science. and i definitely don’t mean those left-wing maniacs who want to shove socialized medicine down my throat so that i can pay extra tax money to feed the people who aren’t even trying to feed themselves. no. i mean a straight up-and-down cut your chest open transplant your heart and implant your breasts physician. i hope you have insurance.
three. try to live within a five mile radius. it’s better that way… if anything ever happens to the kids, we can help out. what’s not to love here anyway? the weather’s beautiful and friendly old men are playing golf in the backyard next to the artificial lake. new york city is overrated. it’s cramped and it’s expensive and the streets always smell like urine unless you’re carrying a briefcase. san francisco is so far away, not to mention i hear there’s an entire gay underworld there. please stay away from those people, there’s no point associating yourself with them. it might even be a detriment to your professional life.
two. marry a chinese woman. yes. a docile, precocious chinese woman under the height of 5’4”. she should be at least five years younger than you, so that when you start balding, she’ll still be fairly attractive. preferably a physician as well so she can contribute a little to the country club membership and the summer home, but worse comes to worst, a nurse or a technician will do as well. please no blacks. hispanics are a bad choice too, it’s just because they live differently than we do. believe me. her family won’t like you either. whites can be tough to manage also, but at least we won’t catch funny looks and muttering from the neighbors in that case.
wise up, son. your generation has never known a day of suffering. i know all of this probably doesn’t make sense right now, but trust me. someday, it will. everyone gets it sooner or later. the path is so clear you can feel it clutching the soles beneath your feet. fuck it. just walk.
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The Fuck it list:
________________________________________________ Kai Huang ’11 sometimes feels like he doesn’t have a partner.
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