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The Kilkenny Observer Friday 30 July 2021
kilkennyobserver.ie
News Opinion
The Fact Of The Matter PAUL HOPKINS
Doris Roberts knew about the need for hugs DORIS Roberts gave the best hugs I have ever known. Tight and fierce, and sincerely felt. Doris and her family were refugees evacuated to their native north Wales when the Germans bombed Liverpool. The only hotel in Prestatyn was unable to offer wheelchair access to Doris and her nurse. My great aunt Kathleen and her husband had left Dublin in 1938. Jack Greaney died just before the outbreak of the war leaving my aunt a widow, without children, living in a big house by the Welsh coast where my family and I would later spend the long, hot summers of my youth. After Doris’s family were returned to Liverpool my great aunt, serendipitously, was to take Doris in and look after her, her every need, for many, many years. It was a love at its finest. Doris, still a young women when she came into my childhood, was physically and men-
tally challenged. She suffered from what in those days was termed spasticity. Doris had congenital damage to her brain, spinal cord and motor nerves. Her legs and arms were twisted limbs, her vocabulary little or none — about five or six words — but she was the smartest human I would know as a child — she could spot a pin on a patterned carpet a mile away. And she was most loveable, with a passion for peppermint creams and watching the pioneering days of horse racing on TV. And she was that great hugger of me and my siblings, the ‘babas’, squeezing the living daylights out of us, her feelings knowing no bounds. For many, what we’ve missed most during the pandemic is being able to hug loved ones. Now, with the vaccines and the restrictions easing, we are learning to hug again. And not only do hugs feel good — they also have many health benefits.
The reason hugs feel so good has to do with our sense of touch. It’s an extremely important sense that allows us, not only to physically explore the world around us, but also to communicate with others by creating and maintaining social bonds. Touch is the first sense felt in the womb (around 14 weeks). Pediatrics tells us that from the moment we’re born, the gentle, frequent caress of a parent promotes the growth of brain cell connections. When someone hugs us it induces a cascade of ‘neurochemical signals’, including the hormone oxytocin which plays an important role in social bonding, slows down heart rate and reduces stress and anxiety. The release of endorphins in the brain supports the immediate feelings of pleasure and wellbeing derived from a good hug. Hugging benefits our health in other ways. It improves sleep
— that parental goodnight hug. From the benefits of sleeping with infants to cuddling your partner, gentle touch is known to regulate our sleep, as it lowers levels of the hormone cortisol, a key regulator of our sleep-wake cycle. In the outside world, social touch — handshakes, bear hugs in sport — helps maintain relationships by releasing those endorphins, making us see hugs and touch as ‘rewarding’. As my psychologist friend from Magherafelt says: “Touch provides the ‘glue’ that holds us together, underpinning our physical and emotional wellbeing.” And when touch is desired, the benefits are shared by both people in the exchange. In fact, even stroking your pet can have its benefits — with oxytocin levels increasing in both pet (see that tail!) and owner. Hugging, I have recently learnt, could help fight off infections by
regulating the hormones oxytocin and cortisol. Whereas high levels of stress can suppress our ability to fight infections, close, supportive relationships suggest the opposite, even cuddling in bed protecting us from the common cold!
‘She was the smartest human I would know as a child ...
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While it’s important we continue to keep ourselves safe, it’s equally as important that we don’t give up on hugs for ever. Social isolation and loneliness can neither be healthy nor, indeed, natural. Human touch is instinctive. We should celebrate its return. POSTSCRIPT: As a grown and young married man, I went to see Doris Roberts one more time. Well in her 70s, she had outlived her family and my great aunt and was in a nursing home. She was alone by the window when I walked into the conservatory. “Doris,” I called, and she looked up, her toothless face breaking to a broad smile. “Baba,” she cried as I walked towards her. Despite the intervening years, her now old, still twisted arm went right round my grown waist and she hugged the living daylights out of me, one last time.
Dealing with difficult people ANDREW MCDONALD HYPNOTHERAPIST
WE all have to deal with difficult people. However, keep in mind one thing; you have to cope with them for a short time, they have to be with themselves all day long. All of us have people in our lives who bring us down and stress us out. Sometimes the pain can be short-lived, an acquaintance who moves into and out of our lives just as quickly or perhaps a relative we only have to see at Christmas. Other times it can be longer, for example a bad boss. If we’re unfortunate, it might be someone who is a big part of our lives, for example, a close family member. Everyone knows at least one person who the mere thought of affects their mood. A really important thing to keep in mind though is that whilst they are responsible for their behaviour, we bear the responsibility for how we react to them. If we can
cut ties with them, this can be the best option. If we can’t distance ourselves from their negative influence, there are other things we can do. A particularly powerful method of dealing with difficult people, or at least the effect they have on our wellbeing, is to try to understand them. Every living creature, including human beings, wants to be happy. Chances are a difficult person is struggling with that. This doesn’t excuse their behaviour but it does put it into a different perspective. Perhaps their words and actions are caused by their own pain. In no way does this give them a free pass on causing distress to other people but it can help reframe how you see them and how they act. This thinking can be used as the basis for mindfulness practice. Tonglen meditation involves offering compassion to others. We start by thinking about someone we love and who makes us feel good and whilst meditating we send them good wishes of happiness. Then we bring to mind somebody we’re
neutral about and go through the same pattern. Thirdly, we focus on somebody we dislike and who causes us pain and offer them positive thoughts with the hope of them being happy. We finish by doing the same towards ourselves. This can often create enough compassion to change how we cope with difficult people. A great way of reshaping how we perceive difficult people is to see them as a challenge. If we determine to show kindness and understanding to everyone, it can help strengthen this determination if we resolve to be compassionate even with people who cause us frustration. Of course, none of this means we should ever put up with abuse. If someone is abusive, rather than simply difficult, you absolutely should break ties with them and look for help in doing this if necessary. However, for people who don’t abuse you but do cause you difficulty, there are ways of dealing with them whilst maintaining your own well-being.
