EVIA by VB William-Eguegu

EVIA THE MARRIAGE ISSUE www.eviawoman.com

THE BEGINNING OF EVIA S

ome weeks ago my husband and I were watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, in which a woman who had been married for 40 years, was now cheating on her husband with her best friend’s husband. Nasty mix I know. However, what I found interesting was her explanation of how these things came to be, went a little something like this; “you know over the years you give so much and little bits of you continue to die and you wake up forty years down the line and you don’t recognise who you are anymore…” My out loud response to that was;

“That is sad, but I think it was her responsibility to stay alive...” Over the years, a few decades at least, I’ve admired beautiful and strong women, and sometimes both. I remember being about six years old and trying out my mum’s high heeled shoes and lipsticks – the red ones. I’d stuff the shoes to fit and climb the bed so I could get a mirror view of my little feet in her big shoes. I liked that she was beautiful and graceful and had extra stuff to make her even more beautiful. Next stop was my primary-four teacher, Aunty Timi. She was dark, beautiful, wore lovely skirts, shoulder padded blouses and red lipsticks too. I loved her voice because it was deep, a little husky but her words were always so clear. I was eight years old then. When I was twelve, a dark-even toned and beautiful lady, with an amazing singing voice performed at my secondary school. She introduced herself as Engineer Christi Baturé! I thought whoa! This is strength personified – I didn’t know any female engineers; I thought it was daring to be one of the only girls doing that, and I wanted to be her – this way I could be

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both beautiful and strong – that was the moment I chose to become an engineer and I am one today! The list could go on about women I’ve decided to talk like, walk like, think like and well become! I have however, also been let down by many – many that decided to die. One thing I certainly don’t miss about being a child is the fact that I wasn’t yet a woman, because I was desperate to really live! I know one of my closest friends, Adanna, shares this pain of women dying and killing. See, we grew up African and we saw society, men and women fail womanhood. I saw so many women die even before they were dead and as they were dying took many with them. Today, it is even harder to tell who is dead or dying, because we have fancy jobs and careers that can masquerade as living. Yes you are born someone’s daughter, you become someone’s friend, lover or even wife – but who are you? Beyond every expectation put on us, or even limitations, perceived or real, who is ‘the woman’ really? And how should she live? That’s what EVIA is about – being alive. The word ‘EVIA’ is a derivative of Eve, which means ‘the living’ or ‘alive animal’. Our introduction to Eve came in the book of Genesis in the Christians’ Holy Bible – ‘He called her Eve, because she was the mother of all that was living’. It’s both a statement of truth and an eternal calling. Here at EVIA MAGAZINE we will together explore all that is and should be living about us women. Beauty, pain, love, dreams, aspirations and of course MEN! EVIA aims to be your coffee companion, kitchen buddy, office photocopier gossip mate, facebook friend and constructive critic. Either way, we will hear each other out, bitch, moan and build each other up. I’m really excited about this one, and I hope you are too. This is probably the most exciting adventure I have ever embarked on! Don’t worry we’re not preachers; we just like to collect and disburse information that will encourage livingness and fruitfulness – what I like to call EVIA-ness. Ok we may force you to eat your greens and make your bed once in a while, but it’s only because we’re desperate that you live an EVIA Woman’s life. That’s what you were made for. You will still be treated to a lot of dreamy deserts and fun along the way. So let’s be friends from this moment on!

Welcome to EVIA!

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EVIA Contents 2

WELCOME! Editor’s welcome note - The Beginning of EVIA

Features

8 11 12

Waila Caan IS SINGLE! EVIA’s Outspoken columnist makes no apologies A Short Story from EVIA Recommended Reading Considering Marriage? See EVIA’s Library list

Mrs ME! How to be married – for real!

Silence isn’t always the best answer Tari Sikoki’s narrative on spousal abuse

The Interview

Song Bird, Lolo Eremie talks to EVIA.

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EVIA Health & Beauty Line Up

Understanding Depression - Part 1 Depression is an illness – find out more here.

Etie’no – skin care ‘At home in your own skin ‘ Interview with Beauty Product Entrepreneur, Precious Jason

Flower Power Photo Spread arranged by Alafuro Sikoki

Interview with LOTS Charity Foundation, founder Tolu Sangosanya

EVIA H.O.P.E

99 49

Who are IDEA BUILDERS?

Poetry

Torn Pages

EVIA Writers/Contributors

Tari Sikoki is a writer, feminist, documentary & conceptual filmmaker, artist, art lover, pastry chef and cupcakery owner Waila Caan is a writer, an avid blogger, opinion-holder, musician and a quality assurance analyst. Find out more at www.facebook.com/wailacaan Waringa Osemenam is an accountant and a writer. She has a love of literature and runs a London-based book lending club

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- Editor’s Introduction -

The Marriage Issue A friend told me about a group of young men who lived in her neighbourhood, who in a bid to get her attention would whistle or address her in a manner she felt was disrespectful, a bit like a group of cockney builders yelling “Alright pet, you’re a stunner!”. One day, a bit fed up of their rude advances, she approached them and said, “you guys are so disrespectful, don’t you realise I’m a married woman?” and they responded saying, “ah sorry, oh, we didn’t know”. Excuse you! Do you only deserve respect because you’re married? Does being married increase your value as a woman? Again I was at a group lunch a few weeks ago, where I met a feisty and fun-to-talk-to lady who is clearly successful in her career as an Investment Banker. She told me that, in a discussion with some family members about getting a new expensive car, they asked her not to, as this will ‘drive the men away’. Has success got anything to do with your chances? In this issue of EVIA we celebrate, discuss and butcher the concept of marriage – all kinds by the way. We’ve spoken to a few of our readers and friends, married and unmarried, male and female on various subjects relating to marriage. Click through these pages and see what I mean. See if you can help someone answer the question, why marriage?

V.B William-Eguegu

Editor, EVIA Magazine

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aila Caan is Single... Period!

“Hi

, my name is Waila and I’ve been single for six years.”

I’m not part of an AA style support group for singles. If such groups don’t exist, I’m starting one. Heaven knows I need all the support I can get. I just might lean on alcohol to dull the nagging voices asking when I’m getting married. Maybe then they’ll have something more important to worry about. Every other day I get at least one comment about my single status. Yes, even Bob and Richard from IT Department at work are concerned about my love life...or lack of one as they aptly put it. So much so, that two other gentlemen in my team have resolved to hook me up with a guy in the office they believe is right for me. If nothing else, their antics make for an amusing work day. Four years ago, a friend of mine told me I was “taking the piss with this whole single thing.” I wonder what she thinks now. In spite of the concerned people around me, I don’t feel any pressure to get married. Yes, my family keep asking when I’m bringing a man home, like he’s a spoil from a long drawnout war. They tease me about the ratio of men to women in the world but beneath it all is the desire that I make the right choice. Given the alarming rate at which marriages break down these days and the struggles they’ve faced in theirs, they realise the importance of getting it right. I take their advice very seriously - I am picky. There, I said it! The word picky has negative connotations but it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Being picky means paying attention to detail and I’ll bet my Indian hair most of you have laid claim to that attribute at some point in your lives – (at least on your CVs!) There are no guarantees in life but by making careful and well-informed choices, it is possible to mitigate some risks. When I get married I intend for it to last till death us do part. It isn’t a job I can quit if I can’t stand my boss,. It is the commitment of myself to another, for better or worse, come what may and if that isn’t enough reason to be discriminate, I don’t know what is. I refuse to marry a man out of desperation or because the world thinks it’s about time I did.

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I need to be convinced that he is right for me and the devil is in the detail so forgive me for going over it with a fine toothcomb. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not looking for perfection because I can’t offer it, no one can. I also couldn’t say exactly what I am looking for but when I find it, like a made to measure dress, it will fit like nothing I’ve ever tried off the racks. I don’t worry about being single. I’d be lying if I say I don’t get lonely every now and again but for the most part, I don’t think about it. Being single isn’t a stopgap to be tolerated en-route to marriage. It is a journey in itself and I’m having the time of my life travelling it. I can pack my bags at the drop of a hat and hop on a plane without worrying about whether or not my husband can cope with the kids. I don’t have to worry about the cost of my new guitar depleting the children’s nursery fund nor about my husband being upset that I swapped numbers with the interesting guy I met on the plane. I can do what I please, when I please, how I please. I have the time and freedom to explore my interests and passions in a way that I wouldn’t be able to if I already had a family. I am getting to know me and learning to love myself. Yes, I want to be in a relationship and I’d like that relationship to be with someone I can spend the rest of my life with. I want to get married. I want to wake up every morning next to my husband thinking I’m the luckiest girl in the world. I want to fight with him and complain about how annoying he can be. I want to throw tantrums; acts spoilt and watch him roll his eyes in exasperation. I want to walk down the streets with him, holding hands, laughing and willing everyone to see how in love we are. I want to have a family, a nice house in the country side and neighbours I wave at as I do the school runs. I want all of that and one day I will get it. Till then, I’m enjoying and making the most of life in the single lane, taking the piss. Why is that so hard for the world to accept?

Waila Caan (www.waliacaan.wordpress.com) www.eviawoman.com www.eviawoman.com

TRAPPED

A mini story

I was fairly certain I had been dreaming about this the night before. In my dream, the Facebook update read ‘Ib Tekena is now married to Isaiah Washington’. It was a weird combination, in the way that dreams are, because IB hasn’t been called by Tekena, her maiden name for the last three years, being married to Peter C. Onu – the artist. Must have been the wine I had at dinner plus the re-runs of Grey’s Anatomy I’d been binging on. At 7:30 am, I woke up to a text message from Ib – I’m leaving Peter. Please call me when you wake up. Ib has never really been one to confide, in me – not really. Just on the surface, on issues like jobs. This is why I didn’t hesitate to respond. I left Dare a note to say where I was and took the 10 minute drive to the hotel where she was camping out. “Nnenna, thanks for coming down oh.” She said as she let me into the room. All I could say was “Are you ok? Oh my God. Are you OK? Tobenna is here with you… Oh my God Ib, what happened? Have you eaten?” I was more incoherent than a drunk, only because as far as being blindsided goes, this one was taking the lead. She went on to try to assure me, that her decision was real. “Nothing new happened yesterday, you know. But I just knew that this was it. No one really tells you before you get married, do they? We know the basic stuff, or at least the text book stuff” she sighed heavily and for the first time this morning I saw the really dark semi-circles under her eyes. “You know,” she continues, “I really thought I tried to work this thing out, I thought I tried to understand him, but now I think of it, all I wanted, was to be free. Gosh Nne! You have no idea” She was right “He’s such a strong and ‘good’ man – by the books, so much so, that it’s impossible to penetrate and be anything to him. I wonder why he married me! Two days ago, it fell into place; my thoughts were in such clear perspective – clearer than any moment of my life. I was never his wife; I am the woman he married. I do things for him, I live with him and make love to him, I cook for him and I had his child, and I see the decisions he has made come to play. In the first year of marriage I tried to get into him, you know be his confidant, his partner – his wife. That didn’t go down too well. The doors were shut, and they remained shut. I gave up after a while, I just existed in his life, and for this same purpose I am now sure he married me - Just to make his life more perfect. He has often claimed to love me, but he has no idea how to. I am less to him, I am a lesser person, I’m a project, a subject he had to complete, not me per se but my function! It’s all such a waste; 30 years old, 3 years of my life and only these rings and a certificate to show for it. Nne, I wasn’t married – I was trapped”

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Considering Marriage?

View our recommended reading list. EVIA’s has come up with a mini booklist for people thinking of getting married. These books do not guarantee a healthy and successful marriage, but they provide significant food for thought on the issue. Happy reading!

IGNORANCE ISN’T BLISS Getting into marriage for the first time, is daunting enough, but a second stab at it drove Elizabeth Gilbert in her book ‘committed: a love story’ to find out what marriage is and should be about – at least for her and her co-divorcee, fiancé. Following her coming of age, journal ‘Eat, Pray, Love’, where she describes the healing process following the painful divorce from her husband of 5 years, Gilbert, tries to make her peace with the institution of marriage before embracing it again. To do this, she learns about how marriage has evolved over the centuries and from one generation to another, marriage and women, expectations and all that surrounds this die-hard art. Although sometimes subjective her research does provoke sufficient questions and responsible pauses in our presumptions about marriage.

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE

It isn’t entirely clear whether or not it is healthy to watch other people’s lives too closely, but it is easy to fall in love with a true love story, this much is true. In ‘Friends: a love story”, Angela Bassett and Courtney B.Vance each tell of their stories of family, career, dating, heartbreaks, loss, friendship and then their marriage. It is a well known fact that a number of us are getting married later and out of that number, most of us are struggling with how to cope with marriage and a demanding career. Perharps Bassett and Vance are lucky to work in the same industry – but their story still highlights some of the awkwardness that comes with success and/or the seeming lack of it in a spouses’ own career path. Read and learn how they deal with issues of starting a family, dealing with exes and trying for children – most of it in the public eye. Although, for obvious reasons, the story may seem guarded at different points, the general willingness to speak of their weaknesses and shortcomings will endear every reader to them and one can’t help but covet the maturity with which a lot of their issues are handled – it is a grown up’s guide to falling in love, being friends and accepting your fate in marriage.

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‘NOSCE TE IPSUM’ (KNOW THYSELF) In Beth Moore’s ‘So Long Insecurity – you’ve been a bad friend’ released in 2010, she states “this is the closest thing to her biography as we’re ever going to get”. As I flipped through the first few pages, I felt as if someone had pulled a fast one on me and leaked several pages of my personal journal to her. It was a few months to finally tying the knot with someone I considered my lover and probably one of the closest friends I had ever had and still I couldn’t shake the foreboding I had lived with most of my life, and which only tripled as I said yes to him as he got down on one knee, the Christmas before. I literally stumbled on this book and I found that it mirrored so accurately a lot of the fears and self doubt and loathing, that I had faced all my life (or from as far back as when I was 7 years old) and the reason I doubted myself and life, every step of the way. Self help books are normally not terribly easy to read, but Moore’s openness and detail into the sources of insecurity in her life and other true stories, will keep you glued to the book as you become enlightened and learn more about yourself. If you are lucky enough to have lived life and never developed any insecurities, at the very least this book will leave you with an innate compassion for women around you who are plagued by it.

“To ... not prepare is the greatest of crimes; to be prepared … is the greatest of virtues” – Sun Tzu, The art of war Considering high divorce rates being reported, we still love marriage because we just do! Now you want to get married, that’s fine, but forever is a very long time, to not at least know what you’re getting into and how to work, live and enjoy through your marriage! I stumbled on Iris Krasnow’s - The Secret Lives of Wives, a pro-marriage adviser, where she has put together a success guide to marriage from those who should know what it takes – ‘older married women’. They have after all made it work, so far. From the onset, Krasnow explains how much she loves her marriage, when she doesn’t loathe it! Some of the stories in here seem a little bizarre, far from what young married couples ever imagined they would resort to. What is most interesting in here is that the stories are of real people and how they deal with real life situations. Released in September 2011, there have been varying reviews and sometimes on either extreme. One thing is true here; the book is about how to make marriage work, and how some women have made it work. Rather than dumping marriage because it’s too difficult and your spouse way too imperfect, Krasnow is simply saying work with what you have and make your marriage and your life work. Worth a read for women taking that somewhat, fateful leap!

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M M rs.

A few months after my wedding, by the espresso machine at work, I was greeted cheerfully by Christophe, “Good morning Madame Eguegu!” He’s French so I imagine he was undoubtedly impressed with himself. For one, he could pronounce my African last name properly and I never had to coach him. I’m not sure for how long and with whom he’d been practicing my married name but he was spot on, I can tell you that much. It became a subject of fun by peers to address me as Mrs, even though I hadn’t officially changed my name. Being married always carries some kind of upgraded status with it; even if you don’t feel different, at the very least you’re congratulated and in the worst of instances people presumptuously joke about the kids to come (For goodness sake!) Or like French-George said to me, ‘Felicitations et condolences!’ – He’s divorced. Someone shared with us how she never wanted to buy a house until she did so with her ‘husband’. Plans evolved as she advanced in years and she realised how much money she was throwing away in rent. The story ends in her being married - close to ten years after she bought her first house. This idea that to be validated, you need to be married is terribly backward, but unsurprisingly hunts us not least of all in the motherland. Whether or not we think it is right, at a certain age or fresh out of university or both, when you go to weddings, religious events, family gatherings or make a phone call to your Mum, you get that all annoying poke on your side, followed by the silly grin or cheeky voice and the phrase “we’re waiting for you oh”, Or “don’t worry you’ll be next” Or “I’m praying for you, this year is your year” Or like one man at a singles’ conference, who was completely unknown to me, asked or in fact told me (in a Yoruba accent) “beautiful girl like you,

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you’re still single? What’s the matter? You don’t have good character?!” - Fair point! I want to be daring enough to say, that yes, you need to be MARRIED to be SOMEBODY! Wait, wait! Don’t fling your stilettos at me yet! Hear me out! One of the realest decisions I ever had to make was getting married. Premarriage, in my most prayerful/ freaking out periods – The word BEULAH came to mind. It wasn’t like a voice out of heaven or anything that cool, but it just dropped. I knew it was a word I had come across in the Bible in the past, but for the life of me what did it mean? So I did the search thing and I found out what BEULAH means. “…your land [shall be called] BEULAH… because your land [will be] married” That’s exactly the context in which it was used in the Bible. It refers to a land no longer being called forsaken or desolate, but it will be fruitful, green and fortunate. So if you do the maths, BEULAH means to be married which means that you will be in-desolate, fruitful and fortunate - blessed in life. And this is what you need, in order to be somebody – this is the kind of married I mean. You may not have picked the colours, dress style, venue or even the man yet or been picked by him (same difference), but you are far more valuable to yourself, your man and humanity, being BEULAH. Ok, so this seems a little bit like one of those “power to the single woman” pep talks – you’re right, girlfriend, power to us – all of us, why not? What ever your age, religion, life orientation or your marital ‘status’ - married, single, single again etc log out believing that you can, will and shall be called BEULAH. So live that BEULAH life with or without a spouse. Get married to life. And if and when a partner turns up, you can get the certificate. For now, you gorgeous EVIA Diva, just introduce yourself as Mrs. ME

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ilence Isn’t Always The Best Answer By Tari Sikoki

There is a woman who lives in Lagos city, Nigeria. She is a wife and mother of 3 teenagers, all in secondary school. She has a stable job that pays well; well enough that she pays for her children’s tuition and the house that she shares with her husband and children. Her husband, Tunde Wasiu also works but his job doesn’t pay enough to cover the expenditure, so he supplements his wife’s income. One day, during yet another argument over money matters, Tunde beat his wife, Bisi, to a bloody pulp. This was not the first time he had beaten her. She was taken to the hospital by a neighbour who heard her screaming and came to her rescue after Tunde drove away to “cool off”. She sustained a cracked rib and internal bleeding and was hospitalised for days. Upon leaving the hospital, Bisi went to stay with her parents, as she was afraid to go back to her house and her abusive husband. She told her family about what happened to her. Her mother and siblings advised her to stay with them and eventually move out of her house; on the other hand, her father and friends urged her to return to “her husband’s house”, as doing otherwise would bring shame to the family name. Sadly, Bisi took that advice and returned home. No legal action was taken against him. She is still with Tunde. They still fight over the fact that she earns more than him. He still beats her. She always returns “home”. Scared and confused, Bisi is amongst many women in Nigeria, and worldwide, that endure abusive relationships. When considering intimate partner violence and domestic abuse, we must note that physical violence is just one form; some other forms include mental, verbal, sexual and emotional abuse- indeed, though not completely recognized, infidelity can also be viewed as a form of abuse. According to the National Violence Against Women survey, almost one out of every three Black females has suffered intimate partner violence. In developing nations, the statistic is no better. In a 1999-2001 survey of selected countries who think it’s “acceptable for a husband to beat his wife for specific reasons--burning food, arguing with him, going out without telling him, neglecting the children, refusing sex”, the results register 77% in Uganda and 51% in Zimbabwe [27]. In the same study, the proportion of women who say they have experienced domestic violence is no better. Results show 42% in Kenya, 60% in Tanzania, 41% in Uganda, 45% in Ethiopia and 40% in Zambia. While the study does not show results for Nigeria, in my own life I am that 1-in-3 statistic that the NVAW survey records. At the age of 17, I was in an abusive relationship, where I endured emotional and verbal abuse for a year. Though young and naïve at the time, I believe that with better knowledge of the signs that followed abuse, I may have been more aware of the situation.

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So, the question now is: why do women stay in abusive marriages/relationships? There are many reasons why women endure abuse. They include: • Ignorance/Naïveté: Some women are not even aware that they are being abused. Due to the chauvinist nature of our culture, some Nigerian women accept the abusive behaviour as commonplace. If they saw their father abuse their mother, and have not been told otherwise, they assume that this is expected masculine behaviour. While this train of thought may seem simplistic, one must consider the women who do not have the amenities most are accustomed to these days; not all women have the Internet, television or the general mass media at their disposal to enlighten them on the issues that surround abuse. • Shame: Unfortunately for abuse survivors, there is still a heavy stigma attached to the ordeal. Women are made to feel at fault or to blame for the abuse they endure. Our culture is one where individuals are unfairly judged and ultimately ostracised as a result of their circumstances. The phrase, “what will people say?” is a key example of how much importance we place on society. As we saw with Bisi’s story above, her own father and friends encouraged her to return to her abuser to avoid their family name being stigmatised. • Fear/Helplessness: While a lot of women are now earning money, some are still heavily dependent on their husbands’ income. In instances where children are involved, women are faced with fear of branching out on their own. “How will I pay my bills? Who will take care of my children and I? Where will we live?” These are questions that a woman is forced to ask herself when she considers leaving an abusive husband. Fear of the unknown and the fear of being a “single mother”, a “scorned woman”, or even worse in our society, a “divorcee”; these fears keep women imprisoned in abusive marriages. • Religion: Unfortunately, this gift from God is now used as a further form of binding women to abusive men. While people have their own religious beliefs, and all are respected, some impose their ideals and beliefs on women, instilling fear of God’s judgment and possible eternal damnation. God never intended for a woman to be cheated on, beaten, raped, insulted or held subordinate to her husband. We were all beautifully and wonderfully made, and God wants what is best for each and every one of us, male or female. Abuse is not an example of what is best for an individual. While there are many more reasons why women stay in bad marriages and abusive relationships, these are perhaps the most popular/experienced reasons of all. Women all over the world deal with varying forms and levels of abuse daily. There is no shame in talking about abuse or in seeking help; no individual is meant to spend his or her life living in fear or in pain, and no one has a right to keep another person in bondage. The solution lies in shedding light on the issue; with exposure will come resolution, until eventually, women will be free of abusive relationships -------------------------------------------------------www.womenshealth.gov Seagar, Joni. The Penguin Atlas of Women in the World. New York: Penguin Books, 2003.

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IT DESTROYS LIVES! IT DESTROYS LIVES! IT DESTROYS LIVES! Myths About Domestic Violence Several misconceptions/false information, are often told often told about domestic violence, such as: • Domestic violence is a private matter, do not report it • Domestic violence is not common and is not a serious problem • Women are the only victims of domestic violence • It is normal for a man to hit his wife/girlfriend • Domestic violence occurs only among the poor and uneducated people • People need to stay married even if there are continued acts of domestic violence • Children need their fathers even if he is a batterer • Domestic violence gets better, as marriage gets older • Battering occurs because of love, and the need to change your partner • People who commit domestic violence are either drunk or mad • Victims of domestic violence should keep praying and have faith that the violence will end one day

Facts About Domestic Violence • Domestic violence is never a private matter. It is a crime and a public matter. Lagos State has a Domestic Violence Law. Do not die in silence. Report it. • Domestic violence or violence occurring in the home is very common, and no less a problem than violence in the street. People especially women and children, are often physically or sexually injured, and in some cases, they die. A woman is beaten every nine seconds in this country. • Men, children, househelps, can also be victims of domestic violence, though women/young girls, are often the victims. • It is an abnormal behaviour for a man to hit his wife/ girlfriend. • Domestic violence is a national problem and occurs amongst the rich and educated people in society. In fact, rich and educated people, commit acts of domestic violence with a lot of impunity. • People need to stay apart to seek help, to help prevent further hurt and possible death, if there are continued acts of domestic violence. • Male children witnessing assault on their mother or any female 1,000 times more likely to be batterers as adults than those who did not witness such violence. 40 to 60 per cent of men who abuse women also

abuse children (American psychological Association, 1996). Children need healthy role models. Unhealthy role models damage children now and in the future. Men who batter women are more likely to batter children physically, sexually and emotionally. • Wife or Spousal battering is not an act of love, or the need to change a partner. It is about power and control. • Though drunkenness may escalate acts of domestic violence, it is not only drunk or mad people who perpetrators. • Prayers alone cannot end domestic violence. Victims should seek professional help. The Bible in James 2:14-26 talks about faith and deeds, and says that faith is not accompanied by action is dead.

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Signs that you are in an abusive relationship • Fear of your partner or a feeling that you can’t do anything right for your partner. • Your partner constantly yells at you, criticises you, regularly puts you down even in front of your children, friend and relatives. • Your partner has a hot uncontrollable temper, hurts you or threatens to hurt or kill you, and take away your children. • Forces you to have sex with him, and beats you up, if you refuse. • Your partner is excessively jealous, suspicious and possessive of you. Controls when you go out and keeps you from seeing your friends or family.

Forms of Domestic Violence Physical Abuse: This includes slaps, kicks, stabs, hitting with an object, throwing of objects, pouring of acid or any other corrosive substance. Sexual Abuse: Forced sex, even by a spouse; defilement (incest) of little girl/teenagers by male family members; Emotional Abuse: Verbal abuse/name calling; excessive nagging; threat to do harm and/or shaming in front of people; isolation and controlling behaviour; neglect and abandonment. It often leaves deep, lasting scars. It takes away the victim’s feeling of self-worth and independence. Economic Abuse/strangulation: Prevention from working or doing business; withholding or required money such as upkeep, school fees etc; controlling of finances; sabotaging spouse job by constantly making him/her miss work; stealing from spouse; etc

If you find yourself in any of the descriptions above or have a friend or relative in such situation, seek help. Call/Visit the following organisation/government agencies: Project Alert on Violence Against Women, 21 Akinsanya street, off Isheri Road, (Taiwo Bus stop) Ojodu-Berger, Lagos Tel: 01 820987, 08052004698 Media Concern Initiative for Women & Children 15A, Boladeoku Crescent, Dideolu Estate (By Sweet Sensation), Ijaiye Road, Ogba, Lagos. Tel: 08023331036, 0805207164, 08099522487 Lagos State Min. of Women Affairs & Poverty Alleviation, Secretariat Alausa, Ikeja (Women Abuse Hotlines): 08085754226, 08102678443, 07098733734 (Child Help Lines) – 08085753932, 08102678442, 07098733732 BAOBAB for Women’s Right, 76 Ogudu Road, Ojota-Lagos Tel: 08023330981, 01-8980834, 01-4747931 National Human Rights Commission, South West Zone, South West Zone Zonal Headquarters, 3rd Floor, Old National Assembly Building, Glass House, Tafawa Balewa Square, Lagos Tel: 01-8506708 Hotline 08054707559 WARDC www.eviawoman.com

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SONG BIRD LOLO EREMIE & NIGERIA’S UNDERGROUND ART MOVEMENT

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“As an independent act, people say you can’t make it – they lie. You don’t need a label to make it in music, you just need fans and supporters”– Lolo Eremie

rom the centre of Bogobiri’s freedom hall, at the heart of Lagos, she thrills, entertains and just simply lives the fulfilment that is her art – music. In November 2011, we caught up with Nigerian Linguist, singer and songwriter Lolo Eremie – on a Sunday evening in our office in Lekki, where she lay on our plush rugs, bare feet in the air, and spilled it all – well at least on discovering her voice, sound and love for music. The 34-year old, singer songwriter, born and raised in the South of Nigeria, is sure of her talent and ready to pour out her art. Drawing artistic and musical inspiration from a diverse range of singers (from Chante Moore, The Peacocks, Cardinal Rex Jim Lawson to James Engram), Lolo is set to release her new album “60% percent Butter, 40% Kpako” in February 2012. The history of her sound How did you discover you could sing? We discovered accidentally actually! My parents, siblings and I didn’t notice I could sing. I grew up in a musical family and assumed music (either instruments, or singing) was something that was part of everyone’s life – a natural requirement. When I was 8 years old, my Mum bought me a two-and-a-half octave keyboard and got me a tutor, so I took keyboard lessons for a few years. When I was 11, I was to play the keyboard for a guy singing at church and, as he sang I played and sang backing vocals. The organisers of the show liked my sound and asked me to sing alone. That’s basically how it all began; I started singing and writing music with the keyboard. Singing soon took precedence over the keyboard, because I found that I was limited by the keyboard. I only wrote songs around the chords I was comfortable with so I stuck to vocals and creating melodies without an instrument and that’s how it has been ever since.

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As a child/teenager what were your aspirations? I wanted to be a musician, but music wasn’t something we studied back then. It was just something you did so it never occured to me that I could do just that. I went on to become a linguist, studying French and English. In hindsight, I’m glad I didn’t go to music school– some things are meant to grow naturally, take their natural course – music is one such area. It shouldn’t be controlled and I’m glad that it grew organically, unbridled in me. The journey here: You obviously started singing and song writing from quite an early age – and along with others this has gone on for about 20years, did you ever fall out of love with music? I can’t say that I ever fell out of love with music. There have been times when I had to

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Lolo at the Ikeja Saddle Club

focus on other things like my degree and my 9 to 5, but I always had one music project or the other going on. Whenever things seemed quiet on the music front, and looked like I was slipping away or just sleeping, my friends and family would remind me that they hadn’t “heard anything new” from me. They constantly keep me in check. One of the most interesting calls I had in this regard, was from a Pastor mentor whom I hadn’t been in contact with for about two years prior to that call, he said “Lolo, what is happening to your music? I haven’t heard it anywhere, please don’t forget that Nigeria needs to hear your voice, Nigeria needs to hear your message” – that jolted me into purpose. I’ve held on and stayed true to my music, despite having a challenging 9 to 5. I’ve worked mostly behind the scenes with some well known projects, like the MTN Yellow Yellow Christmas Jingle which I wrote and sang; Sammy Okposo’s ‘make a difference project ‘and the band Synergy. I continued at my own pace, knowing a time will come when I couldn’t hide anymore. What is Lolo’s Voice – Her Message? My songs, my energy and the spirit of my lyrics, come from a realisation that I am ‘awake’. I’ve been fortunate enough to see through and beyond a lot of veils that exist. It is the result of the Morpheus proposal, the red or blue pill choice as show in the movie The Matrix; my sound comes from the fact that I’ve popped the red pill and there’s definitely no going back, and like Morpheus told Neo “all I’m offering is the truth and nothing more”. I have attained a high level of self-actualisation – this is my greatest gift. I know that I am not a commercial tool and I am free to write and sing what I really feel, Free to choose my own limits and create my own platform from which I will shout this same message – “who are you really?” I think this question sums up a lot of what I say with my art – ‘Nosce te ipsum – KNOW THYSELF. I have a responsibility to get people to step on the brakes a little and reflect on why they do what they do. Like what they like, even if others don’t, and not just what the media says you should. I want to ask people, ‘do you grant your senses an avenue for expression?’

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Photography by Tyna Ezenma Make-up by Ettah for BEEDAZZLED Styled by Shakara Couture

Age, Timing & Purpose Certain aspects of the entertainment industry want to make you believe that beyond a certain age you cannot be successful as an artist. I don’t buy that in anyway. Once you’ve learnt how to be content with your gifts and your purpose in life, success is inevitable. As beautifully as I sing, and I know I do, not everyone will buy into my voice, my style and my message and if at all, not all at the same time, every time – in the same way not everyone likes chicken! Everyone’s race is different and success is relative, relative to your plan and purpose. If I make ten people happy, and stir up their minds to re-think their life’s strategy, once a week at Bogobiri, I think that success has already begun. My art isn’t just about money, but if I stay true and work hard, the numbers and the money will come. Most importantly, I’m proud to be part of the Nigerian Underground music movement. I think that Nigeria is such fertile ground for the arts, and we have a lot more opportunity to stay true to who we are, than artists in the Europe and America. Originality is still celebrated more than commercialism. I hope that it doesn’t change too soon. My age isn’t a problem for me, I’m 34 years old now and very much in step with what I plan to do with my life. Pursuing your art and being commercial can be mutually exclusive, and the fact that you’re commercial isn’t the standard of what it means to be an artist. Lolo her Green Kpali & the Naija for life movement: What is the song Green Kpali about? ‘Kpali’ is Nigerian Pidgin English for ‘passport’. Everyone who has a Nigerian passport knows what it’s like. People, not least of all the immigration of several countries are going to get excited and be on your neck because of the unfortunate reputation that we have built over the years. What can you do about that? What I’ve found is most people hide their passports when they’re travelling until they’re right in front of the immigration official and as soon as they can, change their nationality, sometimes illegally. Others live defensively and blame their parents for being born Nigerian. We’ll do almost anything to hide our identity as Nigerians. The song ‘Green Kpali’ is about being ready for the negativity and hostility you’ll face as a citizen of Nigeria, but also being ready to change it. Living differently and promoting positivity; this is about the best we can do. Being proud and celebrating who you are and what you have, your hair texture, skin colour and your passport – this is the call of the movement. We pay so much to change our looks – our hair, skin colour and even more than money, sometimes we sacrifice our decency and integrity just to have a different passport and go as far away from being Nigerian or African as we can. We want to be anything but ourselves. Because I grow my hair out naturally without making it straight, I’m not considered as someone with ‘good hair’. I was actually asked by an older colleague once, if the ‘salon didn’t open’, because I went to work sporting an afro. I’m not saying that we cannot advance in so many ways, but most of the time we shun the uniqueness that is ours and in the end are neither Nigerian nor anything else. We should be enlightened and educated, not programmed. What can we expect from the entire album? A lot of diversity. I sing in a lot of different styles, and in several languages – English, Pidgin and my local Ijaw dialect, Okrika. I love to create and tell a story when I write and perform a song. I need to make my listeners laugh, cry or think. Hopefully I do all with the album. We’re currently working on the video for Nwantin-tin - This one is a surprise, I can’t tell you all in one day, but I know that viewers will love it

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Understanding Depression – Part 1 By VB William-Eguegu & Waringa Osemenam

hen I heard the general response of people, educated colleagues and other Facebook users on the story about a Lagos-based young professional who sadly took her life after struggling with depression for close to a year, it became apparent to me how little we understood about the illness depression. The general response was one of contempt rather than compassion. Someone called me to say, how disappointed she was and how she believed that if the young lady had prayed and just believed in God, She would have got better – well something to that effect. From sources close to the deceased, I gathered that she had suffered from depression for a period and even had to terminate her studies abruptly. In light of all these, not surprisingly, I still was not sure I really understood depression, but I know that it is an illness. In the same way one can have a faulty heart or liver, which if not treated, will severely affect what we can do with our bodies, we can suffer from a faulty mind – we can suffer depression. This report was NOT written by an expert, but driven by curiosity about what it is, why it goes under-reported, under-diagnosed and mostly untreated in Nigeria – and perhaps some ways that we can tackle it in ourselves and loved ones. One proof of how little we know about depression is how little we talk about it. For one, in researching this article, so little is published about depression in Nigeria, by Nigerian Psychiatric Academics.

Depression Facts and Statistics The World Health Organisation, WHO, defines depression as a common mental disorder that presents with depressed mood, loss of interest or pleasure, feelings of guilt or low selfworth, disturbed sleep or appetite, low energy, and poor concentration. Some other WHO facts about depression: •Problems caused by depression can be chronic or recurrent and lead to substantial impairments in an individual’s ability to take care of his or her everyday responsibilities •At its worst depression can lead to suicide, and suicide is associated with about 850 000 deaths every year. •It is the 2nd most potent cause of Disability Adjusted Life Years (DALYs) in people aged 15 to 44 years •Depression is common, affecting about 121 million people worldwide. •Depression is among the leading causes of disability worldwide. •Depression can be reliably diagnosed and treated in primary care. •Fewer than 25 % of those affected have access to effective treatments.

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Symptoms of Depression The symptoms of depression can be grouped into three categories; psychological, physical and social symptoms

1. Psychological

2. Physical

•Continuous low mood or •Slowed movement or sadness speech •Feelings of hopelessness •Change in appetite or and helplessness or weight (usually decreased, ‘emptiness’ but sometimes increased) •Low self-esteem •Constipation •Tearfulness •Unexplained aches and •Feelings of guilt pains •Feeling irritable and •Lack of energy or lack of intolerant of others interest in sex •Lack of motivation and •Changes to the menstrual little interest in things cycle •Difficulty making decisions •Disturbed sleep patterns •Lack of enjoyment (for example, problems •Suicidal thoughts or going to sleep or waking thoughts of harming in the early hours of the yourself morning) •Feeling anxious or worried •Reduced sex drive

3. Social •Not doing well at work •Taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends •Reduced hobbies and interests •Difficulties in home and family life

How do you know you are not just stressed out? Everybody is entitled to a bad day, bad

moods and God knows PMS! Most of us feel unhappy or miserable for short periods, but clinical depression or Major Depression, is a mood disorder in which these feelings interfere with everyday life for an extended period, this condition can be mild, moderate or severe. When the symptoms listed, are experienced for longer than a two week stretch, there should be cause for concern. Since this is an illness that can affect anyone it is important to realise that like other illnesses there are varying causes and levels to which a person can be affected. It can last from as little as an hour to an infinite amount of time. So chances are that most people have probably suffered from depression at one point in their lives.

Depression in Women Twice as many women as men are likely to suffer depression. Mental Health Charity, MIND explains ‘First episodes of depression are more frequent in women than men, and are likely to result from a mixture of social, psychological and biological factors. Fluctuating hormone levels may partly explain the higher rates of depression in women; however, hormones are likely to affect other aspects of women’s lives, such as their general health, relationships and living environment and with social factors, such as the position of women in society and the value placed on women’s roles, rather than being the sole cause of depression. Depression is more frequent in married than never-married women, and in unsupported mothers .’ www.eviawoman.com

The U.S, National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) has the following statistics on women and depression. •One in four women will experience severe depression at some point in life and only about one-fifth of all women who suffer from depression seek treatment. • Depression affects twice as many women as men, regardless of racial and ethnic background or income. •In general, married women experience depression more than single women do, and depression is common among young mothers who stay at home full-time with small children. •Women who are victims of sexual and physical abuse are at much greater risk of depression. •Depression can put women at risk of suicide. While more men than women die from suicide, women attempt suicide about twice as often as men do.

Causes of Depression in Women

In women, depression is believed to be caused by a number and combination of factors, and it is difficult to pick one cause. The list below is not exhaustive and not all of them are exclusive to women. •Genetics •Chemicals and Hormonal imbalance •Protracted illness •Premenstrual dysphoric disorder •Postpartum depression •Menopause •Stress (social & environmental causes such as trauma, weather, work and lifestyle)

In Nigeria, our mental health is just one of the issues we poorly address. As with a lot of

issues, we have grown to spiritualise a lot of depression and give a name or cause, which helps us abdicate our responsibility to handle it. When I was younger a family friend of ours sadly committed suicide and I remember my father saying that he was being treated for depression. It was strange as I didn’t realise people needed to be treated medically for feeling depressed. But depression isn’t just a bad mood that we can suck up and move on with, it’s a condition that needs to be treated with a little bit more than a pep talk. Following on from some of the statistics about women and depression, more Nigerian women suffer depression, than the average British woman; here’s why we think so - Nigerian women are more likely to be married and to have children than the average British woman. So without factoring in culture, physical and social environmental issues and economic factors – we are therefore statistically more depressed. Other risk factors such as hormonal factors, menstrual cycle, menopause and pregnancy push us up the ladder of one of the world’s most depressed group of people. So why do so few people know anything about it?

Some common Nigerian Misconceptions about Depression

In speaking to several of my colleagues and acquaintances, I can group the general response to depression to the following;

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Spiritual attack It is difficult not to identify with the spirit world if you are Nigerian or live in Nigeria. Most issues are attributed to the Devil and his agents. This is our answer to some unexplainable happenings we face, like, ‘one chance’ and ‘touch and follow’ and death - the way that we look at depression has not escaped this excuse and like the other issues once we zero in on the demon responsible, sometimes by name and origin, we close our minds to any other non-spiritual response. This socio-cultural view is one reason it is unreported and under-diagnosed. It is seen as a ‘spiritual attack’ that can only be dealt with by exorcising the demon responsible. Oyinbo people’s disease My cousin’s response to someone who said she felt depressed and was going to seek medical help, was, “you’re just being dramatic and when you go to these people, they’ll find what is not there...” I paraphrase a little but her reasoning was that she didn’t need to go in for psycho-therapy she just needs to ‘deal with her issues’ – all these oyinbo (i.e. western) people that make you feel as if something is wrong with you. This almost sums up the way that we view people who may be struggling with depression. All of these are ways of life that are associated with people who live in rich countries and have lesser ‘real issues’ to worry about. Life is generally harder in Nigeria, so there’s little or no room for sentiments like a little depression. She’s just - seeking attention/ lazy/ spoilt/ silly At best a patient of depression can be seen as a drama queen, or attention seeking/ spoilt or lazy. We are less willing to listen anyway, and don’t understand why someone shouldn’t be able to ‘get on with it’ and ‘manage’. I once worked with a depressed woman, who took time out for several minutes at several points in a day, to go to the bathroom to cry – she was often really loud. You’d think that if she needed privacy to cry, she’ll do it subtly, right? One symptom of depression is that you seek attention. So a depressed person will generally be needier than the a non-depressed person, but this is one of its symptoms.

Treatment & Cure for Depression

As with the causes of depression, treatment can also vary. Most common methods are described here. Normally a combination of treatments will yield the best results. Exercise is one of the top forms of combating depression, particularly those in those early stages, mild forms of depression caused by failure and sudden loss of a loved one. In its early stages, depression can be combated if the patient can concentrate on some other forms of activity particularly exercise. It is a known scientific fact that exercise enhances neurotransmitters in our brain that relaxes our mood. It also increases the level of endorphins and decreases cortisol, which would result to our feeling good. Cognitive Therapy or Counselling is very sought after and in fact will usually be the first step to determining the severity of depression. In this method, the patient will be subjected to several sessions with a therapist, to help drill down to the source of the depression and to unearth deeper emotional issues that might have led to depression. It is very often described as one of the most effective methods of depression and is still recommended regardless of what other methods are being applied. This is because; most of the time depression is caused by occurrences in a person’s life.

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Medication known as antidepressants can also be used in severe cases, to help correct the imbalance of the brain’s neurotransmitters, one of the major causes being chemical imbalance in the brain. Medication however, must be prescribed by a specialist and is often used alongside counselling and exercise.

Conclusion Even when we are not physically predisosed to depression, sudden loss or illness can triger depression. The important take home point is that if you believe you or your loved one maybe depressed, there is hope. Seek help and speak up and also realise that you are not to blame. You are neither a demon nor a drama queen, you are ill. Depression is treatable and easier so when the symptoms are identified early. Admitting that you are depressed does not mean that you have failed at life; it is however, the beginning of getting better. Family doctors all over the country are trained to know when a patient may need a psychconsult. In Lagos state, there are several, Government owned Psychiatric Centres where appropriate help can be sought; • Federal NeuroPsychiatric Hospital, Yaba, Lagos. • Department of Psychiatry, Lagos University Teaching Hospital (L.U.T.H.), Idi-Araba. • Department of Psychiatry, Lagos State University Teaching Hospital, Ikeja, Lagos. • Lagos Island General Hospital, Onikan Lagos Unfortunately, in Nigeria, this still goes widely under reported. It is our hope that your stories and feedback will help create the awareness about this disease, remove the stigma that we have unfortunately attached to this illness so that more people can seek appropriate help. If you have been affected by this article or want to know more about depression and the help available in your area, let us hear from you

Footnotes 1 http://www.who.int/mental_health/management/depression/definition/en/ 2 DALYs = Disability Adjusted Life Years , this is the sum of years of potential life lost due to premature mortality and the years of productive life lost due to disability 3 http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/Symptoms.aspx 4 http://depression.emedtv.com/depression/depression-in-women.html 5 http://www.mind.org.uk/help/people_groups_and_communities/women_and_mental_health#Depression 6 http://www.clinicaldepressioncure.com/top-3-cures-for-depression.php

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In Your Own Skin

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“Shower me with lemon, ginger, mint and lavender – all at once! For I’m at home in my skin” Let’s be honest, beauty and the promise of it sells - from the promise of fewer wrinkles to more hair volume. Anita Roddick, founder of The Body Shop reports in her memoir, Business As Unusual, that the only thing shampoo will ever really do for you is wash your hair. We don’t have to get into the argument of whether or not anti-wrinkle creams, work or whether you can make stretch-marks disappear. I also am not going to pretend like everything that comes naturally smells great or is good for you. What I do know however, is that when you wash your hair or cleanse your face or body with products made from tea-tree or Lavender or sea-weed or coconut or mango or peach or any combination of these, this can be termed blissful. For that reason, I indulge in good quality moisturisers, bath salts, facial washes and treatments. I confess though, that I’m in love with my tea-tree shampoo... ahhhh. EVIA talks to Precious Jason, creator of new luxury skin care brand Etie’no, about her love for life, her grandmother and also how Etie’no fits into your life and your wallet. From the story of Etie’no (www.etieno. com) it’s clear that apart from the obvious nostalgia of growing up in the tropics, you’ve been most influenced by love. How does that translate into the way that your products are made?

Every product is carefully thought through before creation - from the ingredients to the packaging. I get my inspiration from people I meet. I love it when people can ask for products they imagine in their heads and I am able to create a recipe to meet their needs. Our unscented bar with Mango butter and Sweet Almond oil was a request by a friend for her new baby and I wanted something so luxurious and mild with no scent whatsoever. After a few tries I got the formula right and I am so proud of it. Every product is created by hand using the finest natural ingredients I can find. I am always on the lookout for exotic oils and herbs and I am currently playing with Argan oil which is a Moroccan treat for hair and skin. Apart from what you share on the Etie’no website, can you tell us more about growing up in Nigeria? I am one of two kids and I was born in the UK. I was 3 when we moved back to Nigeria and I spent my formative years with my maternal grandmother. It was a culture shock but I adapted easily and it didn’t take long for me to settle in. I spent a lot of time with my grandmother (now late) and learnt so much about life, nature and the value of giving back to others. The lessons learnt from her ignited a passion for Etie’no. My earliest memory was watching her collect herbs from the garden to make salves and unguents for the village.

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Are your products made with any specific skin or hair type and/ or any condition in mind? We are a global company and we make products for every skin type. As an African woman, I make a few extras for African skin and hair. We use olive oil and coconut oil in all our handmade soaps. Both are fantastic cleansers and moisturisers. We also use nutrient oils too for different conditions. Our Shampoo bar for instance contains antibacterial Neem oil, conditioning hemp oil, rosemary oil to stimulate hair growth tea tree oil to fight dandruff and lemon oil to cleanse and stimulate your senses. Can you elaborate on Etie’no’s commitment to ethical business and your support for communities? One of the main reasons for setting up was to benefit less privileged communities. We are currently working with a charity that supports Rwandan widows and orphans and are thrilled to be sponsoring four children in Primary school. We are also looking at assisting women with micro businesses and training. Rwanda is our pilot country at present and we hope to roll this scheme in other countries very soon. We prefer to deal with carefully selected women’s cooperatives as we believe in empowering women so that they can have dignity in labour. We believe that we can change lives by what we do, with fantastic products at competitive prices. We source our ingredients very carefully. A lot of research and ethical consideration is given to each product. We pay premium prices for our Palm oil for instance because we use a sustainably sourced variety – To be honest, we would rather make a little less money whilst doing the right thing. You are growing Etie’no online at the moment, in which countries and stores can we expect to have the products stocked? We are working round the clock to get it in as many countries as possible. In line with our future projections, we are hoping to be in Nigeria, Ghana and South Africa in the

next 6 months. I am extremely thankful for the excellent feedback from people who have bought our products and given them as gifts. We are working on getting a physical presence in EU Countries by the end of next year also. In the meantime we can be found on our website www.etieno.com

and on Amazon at www.amazon.co.uk and on Ethical superstore at www.marketplace.ethicalsuperstore.com. Is the business model for Etie’no inspired by other beauty or social enterprises? I admire companies such as Lush and The Body Shop and I like the fact that they take a stand for issues that are not given much consideration by mainstream media. I am happy to set the pace for the company and encourage our customers to participate in decision making concerning issues that need to be tackled. I love reading emails from customers and I sincerely hope that we can make a difference to as many lives as possible. Etie’no is operating in the beauty industry in which beauty is interpreted in so many ways; tell us what beauty means to you? Beauty is an inside thing. We radiate beauty when we are confident on the inside. It has nothing to do with how much money you have. A beautiful person is warm, kind and giving. I always say to people an Etie’no product will make you feel beautiful (they are all fabulous by the way) on the inside as well as on the outside

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FLOWER POWER 99

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Concept by Alafuro Sikoki Photography by Ose Oviawe Make-up by Abiodun Fasasi Model - Esosa

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WE NEED YOUR HELP AT DUSTBIN ESTATE Telephone - +2348023826171 / +2348055669729 / +2347044647222 Email- projectlots@yahoo.com, info@lotscharityfoundation.org Website- www.lotscharityfoundation.org

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Living to give – Meet the Mayor of “Dustbin Estate” ost of us “want to do more” for people less fortunate than we are and it is a very noble desire. However, there’s a world of difference between wanting to do, doing and living to do. We met 29 year old Tolulope Sangosanya, founder of the LOTS Charity Foundation, through one of our contributors and were immediately enveloped by her passion and love for street kids. Tolu identified her raison d’être while still a student of Mass Communication at Olabisi Onabanjo University, in Ogun State, Western Nigeria. Using earnings from a parttime modelling job, she celebrated her 26th birthday by feeding 300 street kids from the Maryland to Ikeja, in her home state of Lagos. ”After we fed 300 kids in one day, I knew there was no turning back and this is how I wanted to live my life – sacrificially” Sangosanya describes the realisation that she wanted to help street kids, as a thunder bolt moment. The following year she set out to feed 1000 kids on her birthday and was overwhelmed by the support received from her family, friends and well wishers. “I realised that there are greater powers that support you when you want to do good, I couldn’t have amassed all this support on my own,” she told EVIA. From then on she decided to always practically live for what others might call the impossible. Her foundation, Love On The Streets (LOTS), set up shop behind a refuse dump in the inner city Lagos area Ajegunle, a region she coined Dustbin Estate.

The Dream “The Mission of LOTS is to show love to every child in Lagos, and to raise 7 Star performing leaders out of them. Of course you have to wonder how you can turn a child raised in a refuse dump to a world class leader”. As the visionary behind such a huge dream, her major drivers are the recognition that life as we know it will all end and time is too short to be spent only on one’s self. She is also spurred on by wanting to see the impossible made possible for these kids. “Problems create opportunities to leave a positive legacy. For the short period you are able to do so, there’s no shortage of problems to solve in Lagos,” says Sangosanya. “Change is easier from the grassroots, the easiest people to mould are children and this is why I work to provide an environment at our facilities where they can learn and be groomed to fit in with the rest of society”. www.eviawoman.com

On the support “Sometimes I wonder how we made a refuse dump a fashionable place for people to volunteer their time” This particular Ajegunle refuse dump settlement has existed for 18 years and for the residents, it is refreshing to see young people drawn to working in communities where help is most needed. A good number of young people volunteer their time and money and want to be associated with Dustbin Estate “and that’s a good thing” she affirms. Tolu has been able to garner the trust of donors and volunteers primarily because she puts her money where her heart is - at the centre of this refuse dump. She has come to understand that people want to support charities but credibility is always an issue. LOTS has been able to demonstrate a lot of integrity where funds are concerned and execute projects that make a tangible difference to the young lives in its target community. The media attention that LOTS attracts has also helped boost its credibility and appeal as people are encouraged, seeing a young person living a selfless life. Sangosanya has gone on to get recognition for her work by winning the 2011 LEAP Africa Award and the 2010 Future Awards. Although there is an intrinsic generosity amongst the Nigerian populace, giving has not been institutionalised and this is a major challenge of running an NGO. As Sangosanya explains, “We are regarded as the beggars of the economy, even though the work that we do eventually helps the whole of society. Getting these kids off the streets and giving them an education and purpose in life, keeps them from becoming a strain on the country, morally and financially, when they are adults. We are solving a problem that affects everyone.” Even when donations are made, LOTS have reported that they have some donors specifying that the money must not be used to pay staff salaries, whereas, running costs remain one of the biggest challenges LOTS faces. “People forget that the organisation is run by people who also need to make a living. Not everyone can work in the private sector and for the Government. NGO’s should be supported and the Government can help by creating incentives such as tax breaks, for people who give.”

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Like most Nigerians, Sangosanya wants to see leadership show accountability and integrity, and the Government make policies that come from a place of love. Policies that ensure that people like 15 year old Solomon (pictured here), one of LOTS’s biggest success stories, do not get ignored by the system. She told EVIA; “Solomon was 12 years old when we met him. He was very withdrawn and not one you would called a natural leader. Fast forward a few years and he’s organised a youth leader to speak with his peers and spends his afternoons either at the library in our resource centre reading or helping younger kids with their homework. These are the reasons we do what we do. These kinds of acts cannot be left to a few individuals and merely to the generosity of some. Our policies should be able to protect and empower the most vulnerable in our society. We’re not looking for a perfect leadership, just meeting the basics such as food, housing, health care and education, for now, will get us a long way”. LOTS runs literacy classes for 5 to 15 year olds in its 3 room office space, organises a yearly ‘clothes drive’, excursions for the children of residents of the estate, feeding exercises and annual scholarships just to name a few. Due to the generosity of the public, the resource centre is equipped with computers, books, learning materials and furniture

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- Poetry -

TORN PAGES When I tell the story, present your history In theory it may seem to have been pretty But on the contrary I wish I could find the missing pieces The parts you hide even from yourself I’m searching your mystery The missing notes in the diary Torn pages tell a better story, yes they do Most endings are prettier than the dips The lows and despair often hide Behind Mountains and high tides I know its true from the scars on your cheek; I know they haven’t all been easy rides That’s why; I’m searching your mystery The missing notes in the diary Torn pages tell a better story, yes they do It’s not always blood and tears But for sure some doubt and fears The missing notes in the diary Torn pages tell a better story, yes they do

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Issue 02 July 2012