20—SATURDAY Vanguard, MAY 25 25, 2013 ary had been married to Jim for 12 years when she discovered a necklace in his jacket pocket. She was surprised at first, but put it away and forgot about it. Several months later, Jim asked if she had found a necklace and described the one she had stumbled upon months earlier. Jim told Mary that he had found it at work the day before and needed to return it to office security. Now Mary became alarmed. Not only was Jim carrying around a woman’s necklace, but he was lying to her as well. She then remembered seeing an odd telephone number appearing repeatedly on his cellphone. She also noted that their usual pattern of intimacy had ceased around the time she found the necklace. Jim said he was tired from working overtime at the office. Mary became hostile toward Jim, but never addressed his lying, nor did she approach him with her suspicions about an affair. Instead, she showed her disapproval through her behaviour, alternating between emotional distance and irritability. As Mary’s anger grew, Jim began to justify the affair in his own mind. He reasoned that he was entitled to the affair, since Mary had been treating him in a cold, hostile manner. 'Mary has been shutting me out', he explained and, indeed, she had. Mary’s response is fairly typical. IniThis pattern continued for several tially, she denied the problem, overmonths until, one day, Mary received looking obvious clues that something a phone call from the distraught hus- was wrong in her marriage. band of the woman with whom Jim Spouses in denial, like Mary ofwas having an affair. By that time, ten remain aware of the indiscretion Mary and Jim were barely speaking on another level and, in response, to one another. Their emotional hostil- may behave in a cold, angry manner. ity was apparent to their two young Some by-pass the denial stage and daughters, who had become disrup- become enraged or depressed upon tive at home. discovering the affair. Others enter a The discovery of an affair is often a state of shock, finding it difficult to traumatic, stressful experience, and follow a daily routine. Their concen-
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Is your guy betraying you?
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’ ve been living with a guy for about three years. I have been with him in a relationship for almost two years. His wife and mother of his kids died three years ago but from what his side of the family told me and what the kids told me, they never had to do anything anyway.They have no chores or repercussions ever! The house is disgusting. I'll clean for hours and by the time they get home, you wouldn’t even know that I did. His son is failing in school but yet, can sit on the computer all weekend instead of doing his work. His daughter is terribly spoiled and is becoming more nasty by the day. Her grandparents on her dad’s side are growing more concerned by the day as I
tration may become poor, and they often forget what they are doing in the middle of a task. They may head to the market and wind up at the bank. Sleep and appetite changes are common. Some people become ravenous and others lose the desire to eat much of anything. As the shock wears off, obsessive ruminating about the details of the affair may begin. The betraying partner and others may find listening to this repeated recitation of facts and
conjectures grueling. Suspicions are heightened and the betrayed partner often demands a full itinerary of their spouse’s daily activities. There may also be bouts of crying as the full weight of the betrayal is experienced.
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f course, the marital partners are not the only ones to suffer. As can be seen in the case of Jim and Mary, affairs affect every member of the family, including the children. About 30 percent of those who experience a marital crisis of this type become clinically depressed. Symptoms of depression include the loss of interest and pleasure in life along with several of the following symptoms: irritability, sadness, bouts of crying, as well as changes in appetite, sleep patterns, and activity levels. Problems with concentration are frequently reported, along with feelings of guilt and worthlessness. Decision-making can become impaired. Suicidal ideas or thoughts can arise and are reasons to seek help at once. The severity of the depression and its duration must also be considered. Most affairs happen when there have been problems in the marriage for some time. Most couples will make some attempts to improve the situation on their own, since it is very difficult to maintain a hostile atmosphere for long, either beginning the reconciliatory process or initiating plans to live separately. In many cases, however, outside intervention is necessary. Mary had to undergo counseling and through it, she was able to achieve personal stability . Jim and Mary waited until they were on the brink of divorce and their children were affected before seeking help. It would have been wiser to seek help earlier. If you or a person you love is being affected by an affair, seek counseling.
Am I wrong to give up on my guy and his three kids? am. But they run this house and since he doesn’t want them disciplined, I have pretty much removed myself from everything. I’ve become depressed and only really see my boyfriend when he comes to bed. He wants me to care for them but there will be no discipline. They have no respect for me because of that. I have a 14 yr old son who has been through a lot. He does not live with us. My guy’s oldest child is begging for normalcy . I feel so bad for these kids. And it’s what’s causing tension between their father and I. He gets defensive if I bring it up. I love him so much. He’s 41, I’m 32. We’ve both been through a lot but even if I was an
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outside party, I'd still want the kids to get help. I don’t know where else to turn. Please help. Benita, Port-Harcourt Ans: Dump this ungrateful guy! And because of his poor parenting and ungrateful attitude, his children have learned it as well. So, it is time to dump this ungrateful, disrespectful, advantage-taking bunch. You can’t help people who don’t want help. It is unfortunate, but he’s not going to change, nor does he want your help in the matter. All the help he wants from you is to
be his maid. If you stay, shut up about it because you’ve chosen to stay
and can’t complain and thereby get what you deserve. Yeah, you love him but he certainly isn’t treating you with love. And only when you know you deserve better will you get out of this dead-end relationship. Hell, he hasn’t even married you, yet the way he treats you says it all. Plus, I bet the kids have told him he better not since they have nothing but disgust for you. Don't put up with this garbage or crappy relationship.
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