SATURDAY Vanguard, JUNE 18, 2016—39
raham Godden, 48, is an athletics coach who lives in a three-bedroom cottage in G Sussex with wife Sara Collins, 46, a
businesswoman, and their three children aged 16, 11 and eight. They’ve been together for nearly 23 years, and married for 13. He says: Snaking my arm around Sara’s waist under the duvet, I gently kissed the nape of her neck, hoping that she would return my kisses and that we would make love. Instead, she muttered something about being too tired to have sex and batted my arm away. I was dispirited and a little humiliated, but not surprised. For this pattern — me making a move, then being swiftly rejected — had become something of a bedtime ritual. While I know that many marriages experience ‘dry spells’, in which the demands of work and child-raising mean that lovemaking takes a back seat, Sara and I haven’t had sex at all for two years. Even in the few years before this, we made love only a handful of times. Indeed, our love-life has been so lacklustre that five years ago Sara suggested that her libido was so low, I should seek solace elsewhere. She was very apologetic about it, but I was shocked and hurt. She said her only condition was that if I ever took her up on this offer, she wanted to know before it had happened. I didn’t know what to say, and we didn’t discuss it any further that night. She rolled over and went to sleep, while I lay awake mulling over the conversation, questioning why Sara no longer found me attractive — and if I could sleep with another woman without it ruining our marriage. Many husbands joke that they’d love a ‘free pass’ to cheat on their wives — but they can’t imagine the hurt and humiliation you feel when the woman you love tells you she no longer desires you. I bet if it came to it, they’d be far more reluctant to have a tryst. For while my head is turned by attractive women on the street, it’s Sara I want to make love to, not a stranger. After almost 23 years and three children together, I take my marriage vows very seriously — and still find my wife as attractive as the day I met her. Our youngest child was still a toddler when Sara dropped her bombshell. I’d hoped that, with the nights of broken sleep behind us, our sex life might pick up again, so every rejection became more painful. Although we went on to have sex a handful of times after that night, it’s been two years since we last made love and I no longer try to initiate it because I am certain she would reject me and I no longer feel able to cope with the spiral of frustration, anger and hurt this sparks in me. For while Sara no longer feels any sexual desire — or certainly not for me — my libido is as strong as ever. When we met in June 1993,
My wife gave me licence to have sex with other women
•Graham Godden, 48, is an athletics coach who lives in a three-bedroom cottage in Sussex with wife Sara Collins, 46, a businesswoman, and their three children aged 16, 11 and eight the sexual attraction between us was so powerful we couldn’t keep our hands off one another and made love most days. Now we have the responsibilities of three kids, our own businesses and my 86-year-old mother living in a granny flat attached to our home. I know it’s unreasonable to expect our sex life to emulate those carefree years before we had a family. A day without sex then was unusual, and often it was Sara who initiated it. Perhaps that’s why it hurt so much when her libido waned so dramatically. We’ve talked into the small hours about our sex life and, Sara admits her libido has evaporated. She reasons it’s because she is exhausted from juggling motherhood with her career and also that she is still haunted by our youngest’s traumatic birth. Even though I know it’s not personal and Sara still loves me dearly, it’s a lonely feeling knowing that my wife no longer wants or needs me sexually. I would love to fall into bed with Sara
at the end of a day and have carefree sex the way we used to, cementing our emotional connection. I still think about sex every day, and have thought many times about taking Sara up on her offer. As a fitness coach, I am surrounded by fit, nubile women, so perhaps I have more opportunities to have an affair than most men. My clients pour out their troubles to me, but I am too professional to initiate anything. Plus I don’t drink and am quite shy, so there’s never going to be a time when I’ve had a few too many in a bar and make advances towards another woman. But inevitably I do look at other women — don’t all men? — and if someone I found attractive showed a sexual interest in me then perhaps I would take it further. Can our marriage survive for another 20 years without
The chequered history Continues from page 38 With this and other achievements, Nigeria attained a peak that put it on global reckoning. Both US and UK gave up their reservations on Nigeria’s unedifying aviation safety status while IFALPA no longer considered Nigeria’s airspace unsafe. Rather, pilots now accepted and applauded the milestones achieved. When Demuren exited in 2013, he left behind a legacy of resoluteness that resisted interference from political quarters, though we are still far away from the Eldorado as subsequent events and the DANA crash would reveal. When Demuren left, Capt. Fola Akinkotun, a pilot and a trainer of aviation professionals, managing one of Nigeria’s two Aviation training institutions based in Ilorin, was named the DG designate. For about six months, Akinkotun’s appointment was on hold by the Senate which had the responsibility to screen and confirm his appointment. This period created a C M Y K
field day for intrigues, inordinate ambition, marauding spin doctors and busy bodies canvassing selfdirected interests. Eventually, this harrowing period was over for Akinkotun as he received his Senate confirmation in the third quarter of 2013. Unfortunately, Akinkotun suffered severe emotional violence and indubitable injustice when, for no valid reason, he was booted out at the time he was just about settling into his job. He therefore was allowed no time for any foot-print. It was sad for the industry for many reasons. In place of Akinkotun, Capt. Murtar Usman, a pilot with a handful of professional certificates and extensive acquitted background in accident investigation was named DG designate in the first quarter of 2014. Like Akinkotun, Usman’s appointment was held down, this time not by the Senate but by forces within the Presidency that sought to reverse the removal of Akinkotun. This attempt created such bad blood among political gladiators involving two executive governors, two ministers and two top and
influential political appointees within the Presidency in a Nollywood-type battle royale that left the President in a quagmire. To reverse Akinkotun’s removal would have meant meting out the same emotional violence and injustice to Usman who was transferred from his CEO position in AIB to run NCAA. Again, spin doctors went to work and some industry stakeholders canvassed self interest with intrigues at play. For close to eight months, Usman waited for his letter to be transmitted to the Senate for his screening and confirmation. While this waiting game was going on, another Acting DG, Engr Ben Adeyileka held sway for almost seven months. So, between Demuren’s exit in the first quarter of 2013 and Usman’s assumption of duty in the last quarter of 2014, for a period of almost 18months, NCAA was run on the one hand, by two Acting DGs – Joyce Nkemakolam and Ben Adeyileka, whose mandates were not only limited, but had no legal status and, in consequence,
unknown to the Act setting up NCAA and on the other hand, a DG, Akinkotu who was unfortunately not given a chance to perform. The result was that a decline in performance set in as enforcement and compliance became loose, complacency set in, waivers and extensions became prevalent and the devastating impact of “outside managers” assumed a dimension that brought back memories of varied pains that hallmarked the pre2006 era. The air crashes and incidents of post-Demuren and preUsman period all bear testimony to the regulatory decline from Demuren’s ridge into the lower trough section in our undulating regulatory performance. These were the challenges that confronted Usman on assumption of duty as DG. Armed with his knowledge of how airlines fly below NCAA regulatory radar, having successfully directed and overseen the investigation of airline accidents in Nigeria, particularly Bellview and ADC accidents, both of which he completed during his tenure as AIB Commissioner/CEO, Usman quietly upped the ante in inspection and safety oversight, pushed up enforcement, all of which
sex? Yes, it can. In fact, for our marriage to end Sara would have to be the one to leave. But whether I can survive the rest of my life without sex, I’m not so sure. I have physical needs like any other man. If Sara’s libido doesn’t return perhaps I will take her up on her offer. Maybe it would spice up our relationship if she thought another woman was sexually interested in me. Equally, I’ve told her that if she rediscovers an urge to have sex but it’s with another man, she has my blessing. If nothing else, it would assuage any guilt I’d feel if I do take Sara up on her offer and make love to another woman. She says: Graham is my best friend and I can’t imagine my life without him, but neither can I envisage a time when I will want to resume our sex life. The days when we were having sex at least once a day are long gone, my libido extinguished by countless miscarriages, two traumatic births and a bout of postnatal depression. Exhausted by juggling my family and career, and with the menopause looming, I don’t have the energy or physical desire I had in my 20s. Like so many women I know, I’d rather snuggle up and watch a film in bed than expend any energy making love. Yet I adore Graham. He is a wonderful and attractive man whose hand I love to hold when we are out, and whose company I adore above all others. I just don’t want to sleep with him — or anyone else for that matter. Neither do I want to lose him. But I am also a realist. He’s a man with a biological urge to have sex. I would rather he indulged those needs with another woman, so long as he is up-front with me about it. If he strayed behind my back, that would be a betrayal of our marriage which I don’t think I could forgive. But I have never regretted giving him my blessing to seek sexual gratification elsewhere, and I know it is unreasonable for me to expect him to live an entirely sexless life. I’m surprised that Graham hasn’t taken me up on my offer yet, and greatly relieved by this. I know that if he came home tomorrow and said he had arranged to have sex with someone else, I would feel deeply hurt. Although it would just be sex and could never compare to the bond we have from 23 years together, it’s impossible to know what it would do to our marriage.
•Culled from Daily Mail
heightened compliance by airline operators. Recalcitrant operators faced sanctions and over N60million has accrued from sanctions. Now airlines know that it is no longer business as usual as there is no hiding place for malpractices. Airline operation is today safer than yesterday and one can comfortably say that our regulatory profile has now moved away and up from the lower trough of 2012/2014 to another ridge in the undulating performance landscape of our aviation regulation. The successes recorded in ICAO and FAA Audits of 2015 and 2016 respectively are testimonies. In spite of this achievement, it is still not uhuru and it will not be uhuru until the tremendous challenges of training and retraining as well as staff welfare thrown up by new government policies such as TSA and Government ban on foreign training are addressed. It will not be uhuru until the increasing challenges of consumer protection and economic regulation are brought to their minimum with capacitation of relevant personnel. In spite of the challenges, it is irrefragable that NCAA is stronger and more effective in its regulatory function today than yesterday.