18—SATURDAY VANGUARD,SEPTEMBER 14, 2013 Dear Aunty Julie, ’m a 25 year-old guy, av erage looking, and I think I have a normal personality. I met this very nice and pretty girl a little more than a month ago. Almost since the beginning, all she wants to do is go to bed and make love. This was great in the beginning, but, you and some guys out there may think I am crazy, I am starting to get worn out. I like her very much and we get along great in bed, but I want to date her just like my friends date their girlfriends, although my friends tell me they wish they had my problem. Anyway, when I suggest going out, she shrugs her shoulders and says that she likes to be in bed with me. I’m sure that you get a lot of inquiries about how to move a friendship over to bed. Can you give me some advice about how to move the bed over to a friendship? Tingles, Benin
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Hello Tingles, Balancing the needs and expectations of your partner with those of your own may be challenging, but open communication may go a long way in resolving relationship concerns. It sounds like you would like to nurture the relationship and give it time to grow and develop outside the bedroom.
I want to be more than just friends with her Aunty Julie, I am a 30-year old man. There is this lady I know and I take her out a lot. I like her a lot, but I don’t know how to tell her, because she thinks we are going out as friends. I would like to go as a little more than just friends. Also, last time we went to the beach, she kept rubbing my elbow with hers. Should I put my arm around her or what? Kemi, Lagos
We ha ve ttoo oo much have sex but relate too little Have you spoken with her about what you want in a relationship?Consider telling your partner that you’d like to develop a friendship, both in and out of bed. Try using “I” statements, such as “I have noticed we have been spending a lot of time inside, and I think it would be nice to get to know you better over dinner.” You may mention things you like to do: go to the movies, take long walks, play chess, etc. Additionally, try to find out what your partner’s expectations are for the relationship, and what your partner likes to do. Perhaps you may plan a date involving one of these favorite activities. Asking questions about your partner ’s needs and interests may help you to determine if you will be compatible as friends, a roman-
Dear Kemi, Ofcourse, you can wrap your arm around her. Or, you can put your hand next to hers and then gradually and gently begin to hold or intertwine her fingers with yours. Remember to be aware of her response: Is she open to your move? Or does she back away from you? Is she particularly resistant to your action? Or does she smile or seem to welcome your move? Does she seem uncomfortable in any way? A lot depends on reading the signals she gives you . You can try to gauge her feelings by the looks she gives you, how she responds to what you say, etc. So, let her response to you ; her body language, her facial expression, and her verbal comments help guide you on ; whether it’s to stay where you are, to proceed further, or to stop and take away your arm or hand. If you decide to test the waters, whatever her reaction, after the outing is over, it would be good to talk with her to help clear up any possible confusion over a potentially awkward situation. If she seemed to enjoy the closeness, you can bring up the conversation by saying something like, “I had a really good time with you tonight, and I hope you did, too.” If she agrees, then say: “I’d really like to get together with you again soon. What do you want to do next time? I’ll give you a call so that we can make plans.”
tic relationship, or purely physical. If your partner isn’t interested in developing a relationship outside of the bedroom, you may want to evaluate if the relationship you have now is worth staying in. Are you comfortable staying with your partner for the sex? Would continuing to have sex with this partner keep you from finding someone else with whom you might be more compatible? Can you stay in this relationship for what it’s worth without getting emotionally involved? Although you perceive your concern to be different from many others, it’s not unusual. It’s good that you’re thinking about what qualities would fulfill your needs in a relationship.
People mistake me for gay
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Dear Dede, For one who is entrenched in a culture whose institutions perpetuate these rigid dichot-
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Dear Julie, am what you may call a nice guy. I’d say I’m rather sensitive and easy going. I don’t really like sports, racecars, or other manly things. I’ve never had a girlfriend. Finally I enjoy theater arts and my favorite cable station is a decorating network. You can see where I’m going. BUT I ENJOY WOMEN. I’m very attracted, I think about them all the time. I check out female butts when I walk to class. Yet everyone, especially women, seem to think I am gay. It bothers me because it makes me feel like less of a man. Additionally, how am I supposed to get this woman that I’ve been waiting for all these years, if she thinks I am gay? Please help me!!!!! Dede, Warri
To be entrenched in a culture whose institutions perpetuate these rigid dichotomies and strict gender ideals
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omies and strict gender ideals, it may be extremely difficult to break the norms and be accepted for doing so. However, the fact that you are comfortable in your personal tastes, regardless of their alignment with these ideals, shows confidence which many women find extremely sexy. Though some women may find a man’s penchant for cars and sports to be the seeds of at-
• A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested - “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”The marriage officer said, “You’re requirements please.” ”Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don’t go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”The officer listened carefully and replied,” I understand. You need a television.”
traction, it’s oftentimes more the content of someone’s character that truly tips the scales when it comes to love. As you’ve experienced, if you don’t conform to a traditional male gender role, some people may label you as homosexual, “metrosexual,” “girly,” or simply just less of a man. Gay men may like sports and cars, too, and it has nothing to do with who they’re sexually attracted to. “Feminine” characteristics such as caring for others, expressing emotion, and getting enjoyment out of the arts, theatre, and fashion have nothing to do with anatomy but are still widely seen to be emasculate and unacceptable in males. To be fully accepted by others, men and women may feel pressure to adhere to their respective gender role rather than finding their own unique placement on the spectrum of gender identity. But why is that?
For some men, this feeling of being different, wrong, or “weird” may lead to denial of self. For example, this is often noted as one of the forces that keep homosexual or bisexual men in the closet. One of the unfortunate side effects of this is that boys who are raised to strictly adhere to these gender roles instead of developing their own sense of self-identity often exhibit more violence, drug and alcohol abuse, and unsafe sex practices. This brings up the question of whether these roles are benefitting or hindering young men. Though for many, it may not be an issue, in your case, it seems the latter. The fact that you are able to step outside the proverbial box in spite of this is great. But being outside the norm may be difficult and garner criticism. So the trick is learning how to manage that while maintaining your self-confidence.
C O C K - T A L E S •A businessman was being interviewed about his life and career when the subject of his wife of thirty years came up. ”To what do you attribute the success of your marriage?” asked the interviewer. ”Well,” replied the businessman, “You know that saying ‘Behind every successful man there’s a woman’?” ”Yes.” ”Well, behind every successful man’s woman is a prenuptial agreement.” •A husband visited a marriage counselor and said,
One way to do this is to surround yourself with people who don’t make snap judgments on your sexuality based on surface traits like your affinity for the arts. It may take time and a little extra effort but first ask yourself a few questions: Do you find this judgment to be more prevalent within certain groups of people? Could you try to shift your social circle to include people who may be less likely to assume your sexuality before getting to know you? Perhaps you could explore clubs, organizations, or common interest groups that would allow you to not only pursue your hobbies like theatre and decorating but also give you the chance to meet women in a more personal setting. This may help them get to know you and either avoid or get beyond any initial assumptions they may have about your sexual orientation.
“When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years, it’s all-different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.” ”Why complain?” said the counselor, “You’re still getting the same service.” •A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband’s complaint that he leads a dog’s life is probably well founded. ” He comes in the house with muddy feet,” she said, “tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture.”