46—SATURDAY VANGUARD, JUNE 6, 2015
juliecoker100@yahoo.com
I’m bearing the burden of my friends Dear Aunty Julie, Good morning ma! I’m one of your readers and I appreciate what you are doing for the young people. I am a guy of 29 years and socialises a lot but my friends are taking advantage of that. I’m the peacemaker among my friends, the introverted listener. But lately, I find myself dealing with my friends and their problems more than ever. The problems drift from abuse in their homes, relationship problems and MORE! It seems like I’m walking around with the weight of the world on my shoulders and its making me dive headfirst into depression. Don’t get me wrong, I
like being trusted and thought wise for the advice I give but sometimes, I know I’m just being used, and all I need to do is listen. But I also feel helpless towards many of the situations, example violence between guys and their girlfriends and other relationship issues. I’m a young man who can’t necessarily take on the world!! On top of trying to help friends of mine, I’ve got my own problems too! It’s insane. My fiancee thinks the guys discussing their issues are exposing me to ideas that could negatively affect our own relationship. What do I do? Dominic, Abuja
Dear Dominic, Someone once said that you cannot
help others if you cannot help yourself. This down-to-earth advice may seem difficult to heed when a friend comes calling, however taking care of yourself is the surest way to be the best friend you can be. By venting, unloading, complaining, crying, and sharing feelings, humans are able to process emotions and relieve ourselves from some of the weight of day-to-day problems. Clearly, you care a lot about your friends and they seem to really value your opinion, advice, and sometimes just your listening skills. However, while you’re providing your friends with a shoulder to lean on, you may also need someone to vent/ cry/complain to from time to time. You mention that sometimes you feel “used” by your friends. Though it may be uncomfortable, saying no, especially when you feel overwhelmed, is a healthy way to set boundaries in your friendship. On occasion, turning down a front row ticket to your friend’s vent session doesn’t mean that you’re selfish or don’t care about them. It means you need some space to take care of yourself. Continuing to hear your friends out when it’s weighing you down can lead to resentment, which is no good for a healthy friendship. The simplest solution would be to gently let your friend know when it is not a good time for you to talk and suggest another friend for them to turn to. If you find it
difficult to draw the line at first, you might consider presenting an excuse, such as having homework you need to get done. Something else to consider is the nature of your friendships, after all, a good friendship requires give and take from both people involved. Do you feel like you can confide in your friends when you have concerns or problems? Do your friends offer to talk to you if you seem to be having a hard time or a bad day? If you haven’t already, sharing your feelings might make your friend(s) feel better knowing that s/he is able to help you, too. While you are no doubt a great listener, the problems your friends describe : violence and depression are serious enough to require the attention of a professional.You may want to speak with other adults, pastors or priests and elderly people. What’s more, if you’re feeling like a guy who needs to destress, you might think about making a counseling appointment for yourself. Speaking with a professional may help you to strategise ways to avoid overloading your own plate with friends’ problems. You’re a shining example of a great friend but for now, you might consider coming down from your stead to your own aid.
She’s too competitive Aunty Julie, I have been dating my girlfriend for almost four years now but one problem keeps rearing its ugly head. She has always been competitive, but it’s never been something we’ve discussed. Every time I’m wearing something trendy or something new, she will do the same thing. When we used to run in aerobics class, she would constantly try to beat my scores. I confronted her about that, but she never seems to learn. She seems to forget I’m a guy and have my pride but she copies me and competes with everything. Should I really “waste” time talking to her about her competitiveness? Or, is there a way to hint at it or persuade her to do something original? Ray, Calabar, Dear Ray, A little competition in relationships is common and healthy, as long as it’s acknowledged, mutual, and energizing to the relationship. Friendly rivalry has the potential to inspire, encourage, and support friends to do more and be more. Your friend’s continued unwillingness to “do her own thing,” however, even after confronting her about it, sounds frustrating, and threatening to your relationship. Perhaps her constant competitiveness is her way of
complementing your strengths in drive and ambition. Maybe, she admires you so much that she wants to mimic your every move. Or, her ability to seek out her own aspirations may be affected by low self-esteem. Or, perhaps things are going on in her life that aren’t apparently obvious; the constant competition may be her outlet for coping with personal issues. Your relationship might already be built on a foundation of competitiveness. If this is the case, it’s possible that your friend feels compelled to be “the one” to up the ante just to keep up with you. Sometimes, what we despise or find annoying in others is what we dislike in
ourselves. You may be experiencing or expressing a clash of similar personalities and traits. Although it may be uncomfortable and seem unfair, maybe it’s time to revisit a heart to heart with your girl Taking the time to make sure you are saying exactly what you need to, and expressing all that you need might be a good idea. Doing this is not a waste of time, since you still seem to be invested in your relationship. The purpose of saying what you need is not necessarily getting what you want, but maintaining/ gaining self-respect, as well as a sincere commitment to be clear
about your feelings. Besides, you can assure your friend that you are eager to listen, to help understand what makes each of you bring out the competitiveness in one another. You might try saying something along the lines that you feel honored and/or flattered that she has taken such an interest in your interests, and it’s time that she take notice of and focus on herself and her unique qualities. Perhaps you can help her identify her own specialness, because sometimes it’s hard to see one’s own qualities. Affirming your friendship and avoiding accusations might help keep her from being on the defensive. Based on your talk, you might decide to work through the problem together and maintain and cultivate your relationship, or you may choose to cut your losses and move on.
Why did she break up with me? Dear Julie, My girlfriend of one and a half years broke up with me out of the blue. We never fought or argued. I asked her why but she wouldn’t say a word. I asked her what did I do wrong and she said “nothing.” She was my first ever girlfriend and I was planning to ask her to marry me. I don’t understand what I did wrong. There has to be a reason. Why won’t she tell me? Albert, Enugu
Spaghetti A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange post card today.” “Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the
Dear Albert, Breaking up is hard to do, especially when you are the one left wondering what went wrong. This must be a tough time for you, especially considering that you were planning on proposing. It can appear challenging to start over when you thought you had your life all squared away. But start over you must! Have faith and believe in yourself — it will become easier with time. What really matters is that you realize you did nothing wrong and
C O C K - T A L E S
that you couldn’t have prevented the break up. In order to heal, it may help to have a sense of closure. Why it ended needs to be clear to you; otherwise, you may have doubts about the relationship and yourself for a long time. Do you feel comfortable letting your ex-girlfriend know that an explanation, or one reason, for breaking up with you will help you to go on with your life? Even if it has nothing to do with you, you deserve to know at least part of the reason why. It is possible that she may not even know why she broke up with you. Have you considered the possibility that your exgirlfriend needs some personal space and time to reflect on her needs and desires.
card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.”
lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee. “I just can’t believe this,” said the distraught husband. “What’s not to believe?” the detective said. “It’s right up there on the screen!” “I simply can’t believe my wife could be so much fun!” the husband replied.
So much fun A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife’s activities. A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly
Cupid at law A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’” “But why?” asks the man. “I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.