IM
XMAS
w/MIKESPECHT &JAYVERSPEELT
MORAL ADVICE
WHAT DO I GET FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE?
WHAT SHOULD MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION BE?
FROM: ANSON
FROM: CONFUSED
Anson, I am glad you asked. Let’s start with the card, the beginning of any good gift. Homemade cards are in this year because they show that you put in some effort. What I want you to do is find a turkey neck and take a picture and put that b*tch right on the front of the card. As you may have noticed, it kind of looks like a penis; which is hilarious, and it also sends the right message. A frugal way to find Christmas presents is by looking in the dump or sewer, nature’s thrift stores! It’s amazing the gold that people just “throw away” or “leave in their back yard unattended.” As they say one man’s trash is another man’s set of speakers! Just be sure to air out your gifts and be weary of racoons. As a stocking stuffer, I would suggest what my pappy always got for me: a pack of cigarettes and a stick of pepperoni.
This coming year is 2014, a year for new starts. New, ambitious, or at least realistic goals to be attained. Something to accomplish and feel proud of like losing those few extra pounds or really hitting the books hard. We all know people right now who are talking about how they kept to their New Years resolutions from last year right? How they carried them through? How they were better people for it? You know what? If you can make it three months in on whatever it is, you’re probably golden.
— Mike
FROM: ADAM Adam, I like where your head is at. Tree fires are one of the leading causes of Christmas related death in this country right after wrapping paper induced suffocations. You need to find yourself a drifter, and pay him to stand watch in your living room while you sleep. The homeless are a vigilant people and are a cheap form of home security. Obviously, you wouldn’t trust a stranger in your living room, so it’s probably best to chain him to something, most likely the floor nearest the tree, so if a fires does happen he/she has a little more incentive to wake the house. Also, should you have family over for the holidays buy him a red suit and tell your little cousins that Santy Clause is in for a visit, it keeps things light and safe! — Mike
— Jay I BROKE UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND OF FOUR YEARS RECENTLY, BUT I AM STILL VERY CLOSE WITH HIS MOM. IS IT WRONG TO GO TO THEIR FAMILY CHRISTMAS PARTY AND BRING THE GUY I’M SEEING NOW?
WHY AM I SO LONELY AT CHRISTMAS TIME ON CAMPUS? FROM: LONELY #2 It’s easy to feel lonely at Christmas while you’re away at university. While your loved ones from far away cities, provinces, states and countries are home together and celebrating the season, they’re bonding and beginning to understand each others humanity. All while you sit alone in your single dorm room that contains no more than a bed and a desk. The little bit of light that comes dimly in the room only shows just how overcast and enveloping the cold Windsor weather is. Even now those that you’re close to on campus are off with their own families now. No one at all is paying attention to you. If you can forget about all that you’ll be fine. — Jay
— Mike
HAVE A TERRIBLE
FREE BUS SHUTTLE E V E RY T U E S DAY !
Do you even have to ask? If you are lonely around the holiday’s it is probably because you are a dirt bag who pushed everyone away due to your shitty personality and even shittier personal hygiene. Don’t worry there is hope. If you are looking for a new group of friends or possibly even a new family, you should consider the “What about Bob” method. If you are not familiar, What About Bob is a Bill Murray movie from the 90’s. In it, the protagonist Bob tracks down his psychiatrist on a family vacation and whimsically wins over his family. Find yourself a medical professional and latch onto their family by any means necessary, not only will that solve your loneliness, but chances are they will be well off and able to buy lavish gifts for you. — Mike
There is nothing inappropriate about that at all. I mean it’s cool to go and hang out with his mom and all that mumbo jumbo. But your sole purpose of the event should be to show your ex how much better you are doing than he is. Every breakup has a winner and after four years it’s like you’re defending an Olympic gold medal, you need to stay on that podium. Be extreme on the PDA, tell his cousins how much better of a lover your new man is, they will find it hilarious. Pretty much, you can get away with being as petty and small as possible because his mom invited you, which means she probably likes you better anyway. Good luck and happy holidays!
STORY TO TELL?
tudent Discount
FROM: LONELY
FROM: HEARTBROKEN
HOW DO I STOP MY CHRISTMAS TREE FROM SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTING?
10% S
HOW COME I AM SO LONELY?
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