APRIL 1, 2010
udub’s fastest, accuratest, knockout epic newsource since 1967
Johnston’s enormous package stiffens Michael Ciso staff reporter
STUDENT LIFE CENTER — An independent report released last month by the UW gentlemen club revealed that David Johnston does indeed have a huge package. Johnston is the current president of the University of Waterloo. He plans to retire in the near future, effectively ending 120 years of ser vice he provided to the university. Some officials on campus are very pleased and satisfied by the size of Johnston’s package. Amit Chakma, the former Vice President provost says Johnston has a lot to be proud of with the package. “We worked very closely together , and my fingerprints are all
over that package,” he said. Some of the newer university staff, however, are concerned that the package will not fit. “I heard rumours that the package tore new a hole in budget,” said Scarlet Hanz, a new secretary for the admin. Rumours were also spreading that the package has gone through some stiff expanding recently. An insider who wished to remained unnamed told Misprint “Johnston’s package is now five inches longer [in paper length]. It’s getting harder and harder to maintain such a huge package.” Johnston released a statement this morning stating that after hearing the rumours about his package, he will hold a press conference next Monday to address the issue.
University of Waterloo to Recall 7,000 graduates Ben Folds staff reporter
PLANT OPS — David Johnston, President and Chancellor of the University of Waterloo, said Wednesday that more than 6,000 undergraduate students and 1,000 graduate students would be recalled globally to fix a defect in conceptual reasoning, a component of critical thinking in the cerebral cortex, or both. Subject to the recall in Canada are graduates of sociology, environmental engineering, and urban planning produced from September 2005 to April 2009, Johnston said in a filing with the Ontario Ministry of Training, Colleges, and Universities. Earlier in the week, David Johnston said the quality of University of Waterloo graduates for 2009 had slipped four per cent since 2004.
Johnston also said the University of Waterloo may recall a combined 2,000 students in the arts and business co-operative program — called co-op students in many markets, including the United States — who are currently employed in Toronto, Ottawa and Vancouver. One case of a storm water flood was reported in Toronto due to the faulty conceptual reasoning design, which causes the cognitive ability of an environmental engineering graduate to fail when faced with complex, real-life scenarios, Johnston said. “I don’t understand how this happened. I got a 91 per cent on my ENVE 214 exam,” said the environmental engineering graduate, who wished to remain anonymous. One accident was reported in Vancouver from the defective application of putting theory to practice.
This occurs when sociology graduates failed to apply knowledge of power and oppression to situations that occur outside of a textbook. In the worst-case scenario it causes sociology graduates to speak in an academic and condescending tone. “I gave a homeless person 30 cents last week and he called me a bitch,” said sociology graduate, Isla Connor. “So I informed him that he was perpetuating society’s patriarchal norms by using the word “bitch” and that’s when he pulled a knife on me.” Connor continued, “I informed him that most homeless people suffer from mental illness but that I refused to stigmatize him because of his illness.” The homeless man then reportedly chased Connor for six blocks. See Recall, page 5
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CHINA: Google street view released in Tibet
Some English Lad staff reporter
CAPITALIST CHINA — Despite constant rejections from the Chinese Government, Google Street View has officially been released in Tibet. It was a year of hard negotiations between the Tibetans and the Chinese, inspiring violent protests and political demonstrations (quickly quashed by the Chinese peacekeepers). But street view was released in Tibet thanks to the Dalai Lama’s compelling argument. “Tibetans have had much taken away from them and much more withheld. But even we deserve to know what’s on at every street corner and to look up landmarks when we need to get places that we don’t normally go to and stuff,” he said. China conceded; he was right. The release, to everyones shock, even went so far as to be uncensored. Neither faces nor places were censored for the official release last March 20. Misprint travelled to Tibet for the real opinions from real Tibetans, kindly translated by Mr. Mao, chief translator for the Chinese government. “We are very happy to be a part of China at this time,” said Xiao Wang. “The Chinese government has always been great to us in the past, but this is the icing on the cake.” Another Tibetan, Jiaqing, commented, “We’ve had our quarrels, but this about squares things up. China is a great nation, of which we are all glad to be a part.” This is the first of many changes to occur in Tibet, thanks to the positive worldwide response. Influential celebrities such as Alec Baldwin commented on China’s recent move. “Over the last 60 years, China has truly opened up to the world. After this monumental decision, China shall no longer be known as a censor of its citizens, but as a purveyor of freedom.” Next steps for China include uncensoring and unblocking Facebook, Google, and Youtube. When asked for an opinion, the Dalai Lama said, “Don`t listen to the — All hail glorious China for all blessings it shower upon us,” with an ever-solemn expression on his face.
Google Street View of the Potala Palace THE PEOPLE’S PALACE in Lhasa, Tibet. China has been occupying liberating Tibet since 1949. Recently, China granted Google Street View access to Tibet, granting the world a glimpse of the former nation.
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Misprint
THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2010
epidemic
containing the Muhammad Charles Lee staff reporter
Attention tape seal off the enterance to mathNEWS. Students are encouraged to sequester and destroy any mathNEWS in sight.
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MAINLAND CHINA — An outbreak originating from the mathNEWS office earlier this week caused an epidemic of rampaging students and enraged faculty in uproar, effectively forcing the quarantining of the MC building earlier this week. Reports of students and more-than-math hungry professors began flowing in after the most recent release of mathNEWS, leading many to believe that the latest issue to be the cause of such rage. Many suspect that “zombies” or “brainwashing” may have caused the calamity, but none of the faculty or the editors of mathNEWS have been found to comment. In order to cut down cost, the editors of mathNEWS recently debated on the latest type of ink to produce their new copies. They voted to utilize a tonerchemical compound called poly-necroanimaniac-acid in the printing process. Initial reports from mathNEWS indicate a 2.71828 per cent paper production rate increase and a 3.14159265 per cent overall lower production cost. Within days of using the new ink, mathNEWS’ popularity spiked. Many speculate that the spike in readership is due to the ink change, and not the everso-stagnant content that is presented in each issue of mathNEWS. In response, last week’s mathNEWS began using more of the new chemical ink-hybrid in its production process to incite more readers. Within hours of its latest release, 300 math-students were sighted ripping up their assignments, writing indecipherable
equations on chalkboards and shouting “brains” whilst moving in a unified disjointed manner. Campus Response Teams reacted quickly to the epidemic evacuating many “non-infected” to the safety of the Student Life Centre before surrounding the MC with safety-tape and plastic. Popular rumours on campus believe that the recent “math-based attacks” are a result in the overuse of the chemical, saying “that chemical causes people to go crazy!” and “it has ‘necro’ in its name; doesn’t anybody else find that weird?” No evidence has been put forward validating said allegations; however, many science students remain adamant that “the chemical had yet to be tested properly, and that the side-effects were inconclusive.” The recent sealing of the main mathematics building has caused mixed-feelings within the populous, ranging from: “I’m so glad that we don’t have classes anymore” to “I wish that my teacher didn’t rampage during my calculus class, effectively making me hate L’Hospital’s rule even more.” It is unknown when the building will be opened up again, though it is estimated that it will reopen as soon as they can neutralize the reagent within the mathNEWS ink. However scientists find it doubtful to discover such a cure for at least another two years. The building continues to be monitored and quarantined and will continue to be so until further notice. It is encouraged that any copies of mathNEWS should be sequestered, quarantined, and/ or destroyed immediately.
Referendum to stop all referendums fails; new referendum next month Peter Tai-Yin Mcdonald staff reporter
STUDENT LIFE CENTRE — In a vote that can be described as anything but historic, a pitiful number of Waterloo students voted to keep on having those tedious referendums that nobody cares about. As the results were announced in the Great Hall, the scene was tepid: the dozen-or-so keeners who cared enough to hear about the results briefly exchanged fake smiles before returning to their laptops, joylessly posting the results to Twitter. The incredibly uninspiring results are as follows: 1,531 students voted to keep referendums, 1,319 voted to do away with them, and 22,129 students did not bother voting at all. “This is a nascent victory for democracy,” droned 3B political science student Aidan Tremblay. “It’s a truly historic day – never before have students demonstrated such a unified voice against apathy.” Tremblay, brandishing a copy of A People’s History of the United States that he has never read, is the founder
of UW’s Students for Fairer Democracy, a club that has never met but looks really sweet on a resume. “This referendum was such a huge victory for student power. The right to vote on key issues is absolutely vital to representing student interests among the administration,” continued Tremblay. (The President’s Office, when contacted by Misprint about the results, offered no comment and promptly returned to their nefarious plotting.) Samantha Kwok, a 2B applied health science student and the first person Misprint interviewed who had voted in the referendum, did not share Tremblay’s enthusiasm. “I can’t even put into words how disappointed I am with our student body right now. It’s just so important to vote, and for all these students to vote ‘no’ to our right to make our own decisions is just a huge tragedy,” she said. When informed that students had voted to keep referendums, Kwok reacted with confused delight and awkwardly walked away. Incoming Feds president Bradley
Online ballot for the referendum to stop all referendums.... Not that you care anyways. Moggach expressed indifference to the referendum. “It’s not really my priority right now. To be honest, it doesn’t really affect me that much anyways,” he said. “I still end up doing the same public visibility thing – going to meetings, talking to clubs, clicking ‘Attending’ to every event on Facebook – if I want to get re-elected. Students don’t actually care what I think about certain issues – they just want to think that I care about them. You aren’t
gonna print this, right?” This referendum result allows for a new referendum to take place approximately one month from now, where some overzealous Mathies propose to change the official University of Waterloo nomenclature from “referendums” to “referenda”. “It’s just more proper,” says Luke Bering, chairman of the “Yes” committee. So hold on to your pants kids, and get ready for more democracy in action!
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Admin to install minimum speed signs in hallways Tim Kong Jill staff reporter
DOWNTOWN CHINA — It has been almost two weeks since students at the University of Waterloo were stuck in a five-hour traffic jam stretching from the Feds office in the Student Life Centre to the hallways of Math and Computing. Initial investigation from the on-campus police reveals that the traffic jam was caused by a group of slow moving engineering students exiting the MC building but were stuck in a plume of their own smugness. “It was ridiculous! They [the engineers] just stood there, complimenting each other’s pretty hair and eyes,” said eye witness Michelle Rogers, who was near the group of engineers at the time of the jam. “You could literally see the plume [of smugness] from South Campus Hall.” The jam started to clear as Plant Operations arrived on scene to remove the engineers one by one. Early reports from Feds estimate that the jam has cost students around $100,000 in lost class time. To avoid such an event from occurring again, University of Waterloo president David Johnston announced last week in his State of the University Address, that all hallways and walkways are to have a minimum walking speed limit of 5 km/hr, or on average, about 1.7 steps per second. “These minimum speed limits across campus will ensure that student traffic will flow without obstructions,” Johnston said. He added, “Any students
caught standing or walking under the speed limit will be fined five per cent of their term tuition.” This could potentially mean anything from $50 for arts students, to $500 for PDENG students caught violating this law. Immediate opposition came in the form of heckling when one student in the audience shouted “YOU LIE” and “BABY KILLER” at Johnston. The student, believed to be a math student, was arrested on the spot. According to the administration, the student was later released. However, Misprint has reason to believe that he was sent to York University for “further” education. Those in opposition to this new law argue that it is not lenient enough. Math Student’s Union President, Lin Kin Yam, who was the first to speak out on the law, told Misprint that it is just not plausible for math students to walk that fast,” he said. “A lot of math students simply cannot move that fast. We suffer from Equation Parallel in Complexity syndrome or the E.P.I.C syndrome, in which complex equations have damaged most of our brain cells. Most [math] students can walk maybe -3 to -2 km/hr max.” As much opposition as there is to the new law, studies published this week have shown dramatic improvements in the traffic flow in hallways. The average speed of a typical UW student is now 6.4 km/hr or about two steps per second, well above the 3.8 km/ hr average before the law passed and the 4.5 km/hr national average.
A new minimum speed sign installed in a hallway in the DC building.
Come get a satisfying RIM job today. For more information, visit www.rimjobs.com
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Misprint
Recall: David Johnston to deliver formal apology DEFECTED CEREBRAL CORTEX
Above: The aerial and side view of the general area of the brain that is defect. Experts suggest the only way to fix the problem is through rough, manual labour on construction sites. continued from page 3
No for mal complaints have yet been filed for defective urban planning graduates. However, preliminary reports suggest that urban planning graduates are functioning without the capacity to challenge existing insitutional norms. Last week, the University of Toronto overtook the University of Waterloo in the quality of its graduates for the first time, bringing to an end the University of Waterloo’s 18-year run as the “best overall “ university in Canada, according to Maclean’s annual university rankings. The University of Waterloo, now struggling to restructure its academic programs and improve output, had held Maclean’s title as Canada’s leader in producing high-quality graduates for nearly two decades and used the line in its marketing. Johnston delivered a formal apology for the quality-control oversight that led the University of Waterloo to
manufacture graduates that lack the capacity to think critically. “We deeply regret this lapse in judgment and accept full responsibility for the mistake,” David Johnston said. “After numerous tests, we’ve found several faculties from the graduating class of 2009 to be insufficient in conceptual reasoning skills and it would be irresponsible of us to allow anyone to hire them. It’s truly frightening how conformist and brain-dead these graduates are.” According to Johnston, the University of Waterloo has cancelled production of sociology, environmental engineering, and urban planning graduates. To replace these programs, the University of Waterloo will invest $3.7 million in the construction of a satellite campus that specializes in producing graduates capable of thinking critically and responding to real-life situations. Johnston declined to disclose the estimated cost of the recalls.
THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2010
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Bomber plans to increase profit with body glitter Jane Romaromamama staff reporter
BOMBSHELTER — On March 19 the Bombshelter Pub located in the University of Waterloo’s Student Life Centre announced that it would be integrating a new venture to increase their suffering profit margin. The Bombshelter has decided to devote the northern section of their existing space to be used as a strip club. This area will be designated 19+ and will still provide food and drink from their original menu with all the regular Bomber meal and drink specials. Prior to the announcement, Feds conducted preliminary research to determine whether or not the venture was viable. After numerous surveys and polls, Feds recognized a significant demand from certain faculties. An overwhelming majority of students from the math and engineering programs strongly supported the new Feds endeavour. When questioned about their enthusiasm for the new Bombshelter addition one engineering student responded, “Of course we support this addition to our campus! Having a strip club on campus will give us a new study space where we can interact with members of the opposite sex.” After gathering other such comments from other math and engineering students that demonstrated their lack of knowledge of sex and the elusive opposite gender, Feds decided to provide sexual education pamphlets containing information outlining the differences between the male and female anatomies. These pamphlets include activities that require the user to match the term to the appropriate body part, colour by numbers, and a sexually transmitted infection crossword. The complimentary pamphlets will be available to custom-
ers at the bar, and will be distributed to anyone seen in the club with a textbook. The new club will sport a lounge area, bar, a main stage, and multiple poles distributed throughout the remaining area. Each night will begin with a laser show in true UW style. Each stripper pole will be outfitted with its own debit machine and will be set up to accept Watcards. The new strip club will offer a variety of services typically found in any off- campus strip club. It will hold independent operating hours from the rest of the Bomber, and will be open 8 p.m. to 3 a.m. everyday of the week. Female dancers will be featured every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday while male dancers will perform every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Sunday night will be “open pole” night in which the stage is free to any adventurous audience member. The Bomber has already begun hiring dancers from a long list of hopefuls. The jobs have been approved by CECS for arts co-op students who are now free to apply on Jobmine. We interviewed a newly hired dancer who prefers to be quoted under her stage name. When questioned about her motives for applying Sonic the Speed Dancer replied, “Why wouldn’t you want to apply? You get paid to exercise! The hours don’t conflict with my classes, and there is free body glitter!” Feds sees the new strip club as a business that will be beneficial to many of the students across campus. It aims to provide sex education to math and engineering students, job opportunities to those in the arts, and new student space for all. Construction on the new area is expected to begin on May 31, 2010. The Bomber will still be holding normal operating hours during the construction.
Correction Last week, an article in Misprint referred to UW President David Johnston as a “greedy, creepy, and ultimately disgusting individual with a black hole where his heart should be.” We would like to apologize for that. It is scientifically impossible to have a black hole where your heart should be.
Stripper Sonic the Speed Dancer performing “a special quickie” for Misprint. Bomber is expected to increase reveune by 500% when the strip club is completed.
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Misprint
University of Waterloo selling merchandise to dropouts staff reporter
O ffice
mad to not be a grad
of H a-h
a-y
’ren
ou
SOUTH CAMPUS HALL — Not content to merely market to pre-frosh, the University of Waterloo has now started selling merchendise to UW dropouts. “We figured it was the logical extension to those ‘I’m in!’ shirts we use to capitalize on...er, sell the pre-frosh.” said David Johnton while smoking a Cuban cigar. “We asked ourselves, ‘who aren’t we currently selling anything to?’ And the answer was obvious.” The merchandise, which range from inexpensive “Mad to not be a grad” buttons to posh “You may have graduated from Brock, but I was accepted into and subsequently failed out of UW” sweaters, is sold in the South Campus shop alongside their other merchandise. Now there is truly something for UW to try and sell to everybody. The new line of merch is being promoted by an aggressive marketing campaign. “I staple coupons for the sweaters to failing exams,” admitted engineering Prof. Sinan Kooistra. Surprisingly, the “almost graduated from UW” line has proven popular.
“My bitterness towards UW as a failed academic institution is outweighed by my desire to get something to show for my two wasted years here,” said embittered ex-physics student Paul Coolio. “I hope my parents enjoy this pack of ‘I couldn’t cut it in Waterloo’ stickers, it cost them $12,000.” “I wear my ‘Waterloo Dropout’ leather jacket with pride,” said former UW student Ryan Chan. “I can’t establish my superiority over other people with an actual degree, so this is the next best thing. I have to show that Nippissing Grad I won’t be a failure at life somehow.” Chan added, “It’s such a great conversation starter! Everyone knows what ‘MECH 2011’ or ‘SOFT ENG 2007’ on the sleeve of a leather jacket means, but how many people know that ‘WF’ followed by a bunch of question marks means ‘Withdraw Fail’ and that I’ll never graduate? Brilliant!” The new merchandise joined many other new UW product lines, such as the “I almost got into UW” shirts sold to students who didn’t quite make entrance grades, “I’ll never get to attend UW” condoms, and the “If lost, hand this to the University of Waterloo” wallets.
I failed at
Joule McEigenfunction
o t-
a lu m
ni Aff
a ir s
A sample button to be sold to UW dropouts. It features sideways text AND lazers and shit!
Campus Watch: Raise, Rabbits, and Revolution Schools raise admission standards
University of Victoria creates new rabbit studies department
Queen’s University threatens to secede from country
In a bid to stem the swarms of thousands of students applying to universities and colleges and to make choosing easier, several institutions have raised their standards considerably. York’s new admissions test requires students to not only pick up a fork, but also a includes the knife and spoon as well. Students at Brock University wishing to gain entrance to the school’s history program must now be able to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. “We want our students to get a real feel for Canadian history,” an unnamed school official said. “This policy will drastically lower the amount of students coming in and thinking this is an easy program.”
The University of Victoria has created a new Department of Rabbit Studies, in reaction to the overwhelming amount of rabbits populating the school. In demand from both animal activists and the rabbits themselves (who left poop piles in front of the school’s principal’s house in protest of what they called discrimination towards rabbitkind), the new department will take on a multi-discplinary approach to all things rabbit. Expected new courses include: introduction to rabbit studies, experiencing the Church of Rabbitology, rabbitese 101, planning for people and rabbits, and many more. The Faculty of Social Science is expected to head the new department, mostly as no one else wants it and because the humanities said, “it would be an affront to our name.”
Queen’s, in response to complaints from the neighbouring community, has threatened to secede from the rest of the country. In response to complaints about the student ghetto and the school’s speech police, Queen’s has stated that they have no other option. By grabbing the student village and the main school campus, Queen’s would be the second smallest country in the world and would make most of its GDP through the sale of beer and the large percentage of snobby, rich people. Homecoming Day, which will provide the country with a large portion of its income for the year, will be the deadline for its separation.
York University now requires students to pick up a spoon AND a knife to be accepted. Enrolment is expected to drop 231 per cent.
Queen’s proposed Parliament if separation does happen. It probably won’t though... bunch of pussies. It’s a rabbit.
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VOL 32, NO 1
Holy Shit, Pro-Palestine and Pro-Israel agree on something Karen Oh staff reporter
IMPRINT OFFICE — In a development shocking to everyone, an editorial about the conflict in Gaza published in a recent edition of Imprint has earned universal praise. Both the on-campus group Students for Palestinian Rights and pro-Israel students thought the editorial was an informative, well thought out take on the situation. "I in no way feel slighted," said Phillip Goldstein, a UW student whose parents are from Israel. "The criticisms of both sides were reasoned and measured. I don't feel compelled to write an endless string of counter editorials disparaging the writer, just because they dared to include criticism of Israel." SFPR member Akbar Bakri agreed. "It was a good editorial. I feel no need to get in a pissing match in the opinion section of the newspaper. I am not compelled to engage in a weeks long struggle to get the last word, a tactic sure to bore and irritate everyone else." There was no denying it - it was a good day for free speech. But not ev-
Map showing the state of Israel. Both the Israelites and Palestinians live happily together with no conflict what-so-ever.
ARE YOU ASIAN? (or just not white?)
Please join us at Queens! Our campus is deprived of non caucasian students and need you to fill the gap!
eryone benefited from the lack of controversy. Deprived of the mountain of letters sniping back and for th, Imprint opinion editors didn't quite know what to do. "We've relied on the desire of both sides to eng age in an endless, pointless shouting match to fill our section," opinion editor Rose Howitzer said. "Now that they ag ree with each other, we don't know what we're g oing to do." Without any outrage over the coverage of the Gaza strip, the Imprint editors were finally able to clear their email backlog. And the results were astounding. "I never knew there were conflicts and tensions in other parts of the world," Howitzer told Misprint. "You would never know dissent existed anywhere else from reading the opinion pag es of the newspaper. For instance, did you know there's a rebel movement in Sri Lanka? Or at least, there was. If the flood of Gaza letters were lighter, we might have g otten to that one a little sooner."
CAMPUS BROTHEL UNIVERSITY OF WATERLOO
Friday, April 9th, 8:00 p.m. The Bomb Shelter We will be serving chicken fried rice and sweet and sour pork to suit your needs.
Serving science students since 1967 WE OFFER: pleasant conversation, a shoulder to cry on, and of course oral fixations! watcard accepted open twenty four hours student life centre
check out campusbrothel.uwaterloo.ca
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Lacey is the youngest of two born to Cherry and Mark Johnston in Edmonton, Alberta. She is of English, Scottish, Wales, Irish, French, Spanish, Italian, German, Polish, and Russian decent. After dropping out of high school, she began working as an engineer. She enjoys gun shopping, having tea parties, hunting for small animals, and watching Glenn Beck on Fox News.
THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2010
Lacey Jackson is the former daughter-in-law of former Alberta governor, Sally Paladin. Lacey has been in the spotlight ever since getting knocked up Paladin’s son, Robert. Plans for a wedding were cancelled after the couple broke off their engagement earlier this year.
Communism, Nazis
Turn-offs: Liberal Media,
Athletic Cupsize: Large
Age: 18 (and a half!)
Turn-ons: Hunting, Fox News
Cupsize: 32C
Sex: female?
Favorite Colour: Green
Height: 6 feet 3 inches
Name: Lacey Jackson
Missprint Girl 2010 8
Feature VOL 32, NO 1
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Earth Magic & New-Age Doodads
MICRO FICTION Bonita Applebum staff reporter
Religion discovers ways to cure homosexuality
For those who believe that burning sacred literature is bad, religious communities around the world have discovered the new, and currently, only way to cure homosexuality. Originally thought to be impossible and highly offensive, curing homosexuality is simple — burn sacred text and let those belonging to the homosexual community drink the ashes that are produced. This technique was discovered by Pastor Peter Steer of the United Church for God this past week when he and his homosexual brother were fighting and accidentally burned a chunk of his bible; the ashes fell into his brothers milk. Drinking the milk without noticing the ashes, Peter said his brother started exhibiting strange behaviour. “Well for one,” Steer said in an interview with FNN “he started closing his door whenever he was…working with his hands. It also struck me as a little weird when his boyfriend came around and all they did was play Call of Duty…never seen him do that before.” Despite the usage of this method of curing homosexuality, some in the community have reservations. In the wake of this discovery, health groups have formed to study the effects of drinking sacred text ashes. “It may very well lead to a damaged digestive system,” Dr. Woop of the University of Jargon said during a community presentation, “ashes, as we in the professional field know, are a product of a burned object. Why would anyone want to drink burned things? It’s just unhealthy.” Critics claim that if one drinks these ashes, they can very well burn their innards despite cooling them off with liquids first. Disregarding criticism, Steer says that he has no intention of stopping the spread of this cure anytime soon. “I just bought 10 more stacks of holy books today,” Steer said, “I can’t wait to start helping those around me, I mean, it’s like God, Himself sent me a message, right?”
No hope for the hopeless
Psychoanalysts have come together for an international forum, starting today and scheduled to last at least a week, to discuss “Hope.” Surely to be one of the most discussed subjects today will be Dr. Emoh’s theory of “Hoping for Nothing.” In this theory, Dr. Emoh claims that those who hope for something will only be looking forward to nothing, as hope does not actually get anything done and only serves to stand in one’s way. When pressed for question, Dr. Emoh simply threw his receding hairline back and said, “I don’t know…don’t bother me…” A man of few words, Dr. Emoh has been hard to reach for comment about his research. Though originally thought to be a necessity for our ancestors to survive, Dr. Emoh’s new theory will challenge the notion that our ancestors relied on hope as a method to advance. The scientific community wonders, however, why Emoh was not able to provide an answer as to what could have possibly been the alternative to hope. “Our ancestors must’ve had something to keep them going.” Dr. Happee from the University of Smaales said. “Modern day human beings needs something to keep them going… Dr.Emoh failed to provide an answer. Which really disappoints me.” After finishing the statement, Happee went on stage to receive a fund worth approximately $100,000 in gold bars for his theory of “Smiles make you smile more.” With this new theory that hope may just be conjured up by the mind, scientists are now working on a new alternative that may explain the reason for why people are so willing to continue to live, rather than just commit mass suicide. “It may be,” Happee said in a later interview, “That we are just that great at living. We don’t want to stop doing great things, perhaps.”
Misprint
UW is MAD for Dick Bonner’s chisels Bonita Applebum staff reporter
DAVIS CENTRE — Computer science courses in the University of Waterloo have long been plagued by plagiarism and cheating. There is currently a string of code that identifies counterfeit assignments, but according to Ministry of Academic Delinquents (MAD) President Richard Bonner, current anti-cheating methods “don’t deter students from being fraudulent assholes.” President Bonner has a coloured history with MAD, and is often cited for his radical views on punishment and accountability in post-secondary institutions. Before being considered for his current presidential position, Bonner was a researcher for MAD where he headed a study exploring what effect the threat of waterboarding had on academic performance. Last year he also notoriously campaigned against the allowance of “public displays of affection” on university campuses. He was quoted as saying “touching leads to sex, sex leads to children, and
children lead to unfathomable disaster.” Early last month, roughly 300 Waterloo students in CS221 (Introduction to Things that Please Steve Jobs) each submitted a nearly identical programming assignment. Ever since, university officials have been consulting with Bonner in an effort to prevent cheating. Early talks put stress on offering students certain rewards and benefits for showing incentive and creativity in class. While most faculty members were in favour of this idea, Bonner was quick to point out that adolescents will almost never show incentive and creativity, and the university should be grateful to receive the bare minimum from the student body. Bonner’s proposal for academic reform? The stone tablet system. UW has approved plans to replace every computer in the math building with stone tablets and chisels, and has required all computer science students to complete their coursework using the student-dubbed “Caveman System.” One first year CS major, Robby Lee, expressed his displea-
sure with the new policy: “It’s awful, sweaty work. The body odour in CS labs has quadrupled in the past week.” According to Lee, a disturbing amount of students have been fainting in classes due to exhaustion coupled with StarCraft withdrawals. MAD has published many internal studies on the benefits of removing Google Searches and the ability to copy-paste from post-secondary education. Furthermore, it is Bonner’s personal belief that the tedious, difficult, and time-consuming process of chiselling out hundreds of lines of code on a stone tablet teaches students their rightful place in the scheme of the world. “The beauty of the system is that it is a metaphor for what their mundane lives will be if they actually manage to graduate and get a job. We must bring the university back to a time when children feared their elders. These students have grown complacent and lazy. We must remove the temptation of technology from the equation if we wish to see them become contributing, subservient members of society.”
Venus exploration to get easier by 2012
Scientists have conducted a study which finds that by the year 2012, Venus would become more accessible by the global community. Going so far as to say that even the non-space-faring population may have a chance to see the surface of Venus, Dr. Roberto McFeer has made a new report on this phenomenon. Conducted over a near 50 year research period, McFeer and his team of scientists claim that due to the Earth’s magnetic core, by the year 2012, Venus will be that much closer Earth. “The moon?” McFeer said while being questioned by his peers, “Don’t be silly, the moon is a ball of cheese. Why would it be pulled nearer to us?” McFeer’s theory behind this phenomenon is that the Earth’s core, over the span of 50 years, has become increasingly positive. With the rest of space, as theorized by McFeer, being negative, the chances of Venus being pulled into Earth has become greater and greater over the last 50 years. When questioned about the rest of the solar system, McFeer simply threw his glass of water at his peers to demonstrate the effect. “That’s what it’ll be like soon!” McFeer said, pouring another glass, “SPLASH!” Though there has yet to be solid proof of this approaching phenomenon, McFeer says otherwise. “Well the moon gets closer, doesn’t it?” McFeer said, pointing at the sun, “Sometimes it’s big, sometime’s you don’t even see it. What do you call that sonny?” Other scientists within the community worry that McFeer’s theory may come true, causing massive funding cuts for NASA as well as other space development sectors.
Apple is enthusiastically supporting UW’s move into stone and chisel technology. They have donated over 9,000 Apple brand tablets to the university. Apple tablets are among the most unique in the market, as they are not made from natural stone. Instead, the company has taken to recycling thousands of iPads. The iPads are crushed into a fine powder and then chemically treated. This mulch is then formed into a tablet like the one shown above.
Arts
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The Major Canadian Douchebag
THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2010
11
Nickelback: Canada’s Great White Hope
Nickelback, composed of Chad Kroeger and the other three, is the best that Canada has. Fuck. Dedicated readers of this column are likely aware of my distaste for the mainstream Canadian music scene. For those unaware of my main talking points: it’s lukewarm, unoriginal, and unchallenging. How many times can we listen to some sheltered North Toronto chumps sing softly about having a campfire while fondling their beards? It’s not just the indie scene that’s offensively inoffensive — Canadian hip-hop is pretty uninspired too. When our most renowned producer, Marco Polo, has basically made his career off jackin’ the 90s styles of Showbiz, Pete Rock, and Premier, it’s hard to be proud of our local talent. The fact that the souless Drake is our most successful rapper is a little troubling. Meanwhile, our “KKK” trio of MuchMusic hype magnets — K-OS, K’naan, and Kardinal — are musically talented, they are simply boring people. Let’s face it: the only rapper Canada’s produced that has anywhere near the personality of our American counterparts is Chuckie Akenz, who is definitely compelling, but pretty much a talent black hole. Our edgier hipster scenes in Montreal aren’t really creating anything worthwhile,
either. While there are some mildly interesting projects coming out of Montreal’s Alien8 label, like Duchess Says and Think About Life, they’re often self-indulgent and purposeless. Unfortunately, our experimental scene suffers from too much vanity and novelty, and doesn’t focus enough on crafting sonically relevant music. What ties pretty much all Canadian music together is an intense focus on trying to be something we’re not. The experimental scene is too experimental. The hip-hop scene is too concerned about where it’s from — not where it’s at, in Rakim’s words. The indie scene is preoccupied with pretending to be in touch with the forest spirits. As a whole, Canadian musicians are trying too hard to push boundaries and not enough on representing who they are. You could call it an authenticity crisis. Maybe it’s time a long-maligned Canadian band got the recognition they’ve long deserved: Nickelback. Hold your breath — many of you are probably a little incredulous at this, as Nickelback might be the biggest running joke in Canadian music. They’ve been trashed by musical institutions from Rolling Stone to Pitchfork to everyone’s bastion
of bad taste, Blender. But let the haters hate. Insecure, self-important critics are inevitably going to freak out over “unoriginality,” but that’s mostly because they’re afraid to go against the critical grain. I don’t see them getting upset about the good half of Canadian indie groups that sound virtually identical. What makes Hollerado that much more original than Nickelback? They ape Tom Petty, Nickelback apes Nirvana. Then what? Let’s face it — everyone has their influences. It’s just bad luck for Nickelback that their alt-rock influences aren’t trendy right now. If anything, Nickelback’s through-thickand-thin commitment to alt-rock should be praised. In an age where musicians genrehop more often than we can keep track of — dabbling in all styles but mastering none — there’s something to be said for the fact that Nickelback hasn’t made a novelty dubstep track. They may be mastering a genre some derisively call “Wal-Mart rock,” but they are the undisputed kings of Wal-Mart rock. It’s entirely possible that the hipsters of tomorrow may be looking back at Nickelback with the same sincere appreciation that today’s hipsters show
Bruce Springsteen. Maybe Nickelback is only reviled for the fact that Chad Kroeger is a singularly revolting individual. This is unfortunate. There is little he can do to fix that bizarre face of his. But his hair is a fashion statement way ahead of its time. We’ve seen a lot of ridiculous hairstyles — asymmetric cuts, pompadours, even mullets — come back into fashion way after their peak. What’s to say the Chad Kroeger cut won’t do the same? Kroeger’s hair might be the perfect microcosm for the larger significance of Nickelback. Absolutely ridiculous, superficially stupid, but girls — somewhere — actually seem to like it. It reflects Chad Kroeger’s fearlessness to simply be himself. Could it be that the legions shopping for Wal-Mart rock know something we don’t? Maybe us hipsters with seemingly ‘good taste’ are sleeping on the best band Canada’s produced this decade — all because we want to see something new. Maybe, instead of denying what Canadians have listened to all decade, we should take a cue from Kroeger, and consider how Nickelback reminds us of who we really are.
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Arts
VOL 32, NO
OM NOM NOM
S
o here’s the thing, We’ve occasionally discussed some pairings in the past but I don’t think I’ve given wine its deserved kudos. What I don’t think people realize is that wine pairings don’t just have to occur with food, if you wanted to you could pair it with the gum you’re chewing, the lip gloss you’re wearing, even the body butter you have on. If it has a smell or a flavour, you can pair it. For this reason it is advised for men and women not to wear colognes or perfumes to wine tastings as these can alter the taste of wines. In the same way, we can use this assumption to have any excuse to open a bottle of wine. If you are the type who remembers to be safe every time - which
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Prophylactic Pairings
I hope you all are - and using condoms for all forms of sex including oral, then you’ve probably made a foray into the world of flavoured condoms. There is a plethora of possibilities for condom flavours and therefore, exponentially more possibilities for wine pairings. Let’s stick to the most popular flavours of condoms: strawberry, banana, cherry and mint. One thing that we have to remember in this pairing is that flavours of condoms cannot be paired in the same way as you would with the same fresh fruit. For example, banana flavoured candy doesn’t taste like actual bananas, and strawberry flavoured condoms obviously don’t actually taste like strawberries.
Berries are usually an easy pairing with either red or white wine, but again because of the artificial flavour you’ll probably want to stick to either very young fruity reds or slightly tart whites, this is no place for an oaked chard. For the strawberry wrapped willy, I’d suggest a pinot grigio, fresh and slightly acidic, and for the cherry-flavoured cherry popper, the currently popular South American Malbecs will have you drooling for more. The bananas are a slightly more difficult match up, because of the more cloying sweetness. We can either choose to accent this sweetness with a sweet sauterne or a nutty tawny port, or alternatively try and counter the sweetness with a dry, sauvignon blanc, preferably
from New Zealand, which has tropical properties which should suit your man’s banana just perfectly. Now mint is a more difficult flavour profile to pair, considering that it can be too strong for most varietal profiles. You may be surprised by this pairing, however, a pinot noir, fresh and with moderate body will make your partners’ minty fresh dong taste that much more delicious. Hopefully this guide to pairing wine with flavoured condoms will inspire you to try some new flavours while being safe, and to give you a chance to experiment with varietals in a new way. At the very least, this is an awesome excuse to try and get your wino partner to give you a little oral love. Wrap, sip and enjoy!
Arts
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THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2010
13
Gaming Review: SEX Grade
Double Ds The Good • • •
Fantastic graphics Tactile feedback Personalized experience
The Bad • • • • •
Expensive as hell Poor controls Bad documentation Limited soundtrack Audio bugs
Sex God and Evolution Hormones
A good game is one that draws you in and makes you forget that you had assignments due, parties to attend, and that the sun is shining outside. A great game is one that makes you stay in your house for weeks on end and has you thinking about it during every waking moment. A disappointing game is one that crushes your hopes and dreams like a nuke on a helpless puppy. Such was my Sex experience. I will be the first to admit, I was extremely excited for Sex. I keenly read the walkthroughs, I watched videos of others’ attempts with it. Sex had the potential to be amazing and the sur-
rounding hype embedded it into the public conscious. Unfortunately short, repetitive gameplay, expensive add-ons and a host of other issues prevent Sex from being enjoyable.
STORY What story? Sex has absolutely no coherent plot whatsoever. Sure the developers did include the “fantasy” mode that allowed me to take part in several scenarios. While the scenarios themselves are interesting to begin with, unfortunately the developers decided to force us to buy the extras needed for each mode. If you’re going to offer the “Mile High club” scenario, at the very least give us a damn plane ticket. Don’t try to milk us, by offering the tickets as an “extra”. The single player mode offered by the developers absolutely sucks. It pales in comparison to the multiplayer modes offered and I’m surprised that many gamers seem to stick with it.
GAMEPLAY Right off the bat, this game suffers from poor design. In order to get to the main event you have to go through several annoying minigames. The “conversation” minigame was confusing at best, worked me into a sweating, nervous wreck and is as frustrating as trying to convince a drunken monkey to give back your keys. Spoiler Alert: We also tested the controversial “hooker” level. While it certainly
bypasses the annoying minigames it also is incredibly buggy. Also (no sur prise here) you have to pay extra. Sex’s main gameplay, after going through all the minigames, is a disappointment. There is no aim assist function to help newcomers to the game. There is no ammo system per se, and in order to refill your ammo you have to wait, that’s right, wait for about two hours. It seems ridiculous that the ammo you spend two hours “filling up” is simply expended in the space of five minutes. Though the ending is a pleasure to experience, really the fact that I have to wait two hours in order to experience it again is as ridiculous as Uwe Bowl’s career. The gameplay is non-linear and allows the player to choose different methods to get to the end goal. While it is a commendable idea, why would I choose from a hundred different “positions” to get to the same goal. It’s like telling someone you could digest food by either swallowing it or shoving it up your arse, either way you’re bound to get some nutrition. On the other hand, the controls are intuitive and unique. Utilizing a system that allows the player to use their actual hands (take that, Wii) and a force feedback system that puts the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 to shame. Unfortunately there is no beginner mode for Sex. The developers offer no hints whatsoever and simply chuck the player into the game, like a cat into a dumpster. There wasn’t even a user’s manual for Sex, forcing me to go out and buy third party strategy guides (Sex for Dummies).
PRESENTATION The developers decided to give the option for players to use their own music as the game’s score. My experience, however, included no music, which made the gameplay more intense. However the sounds themselves are hit and miss. The repetitive moaning and groaning, that while setting the atmosphere, did absolutely nothing to aid with the game’s progression. Did a deeper moan mean I had to push further or pull out? Honestly what the hell is a gasp, a moan, or “Harder!” supposed to mean? The developers promised that as a reward for proper execution, you’ll hear your own name moaned. In that case there seems to be a persistent bug as I kept hearing “Oh Dave!” over and over again. I’m pretty sure that’s not my name Sex’s saving grace is that the graphics are gorgeous to behold. Using the latest technology, Sex allows you to fully interact with the models. Skin textures are rendered in loving detail, from the silken smooth hair to the soft skin of the belly and with absolutely no pixelization whatsoever. It avoids the uncanny valley syndrome found in other products and eyes are gorgeous to gaze into. In the end Sex, while having amazing graphics and a unique user interface, suffers repetitive gameplay and audio. The fact that the developer is essentially forcing me to pay for the “extras” (Trojan armour, user manual, other players, etc.) is a cause for concern. Sex is a prime example of a game which failed to meet the hype surrounding it.
A secertly recorded scene from the game “Sex.” It’s not that exciting to be honest.
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Sports
THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2010
Misprint
Warriors inject hope into their game ‘Roids all the rage for Waterloo Warriors football Keith Olbermann staff reporter
COLUMBIA ICE FIELDS — The Warriors men’s football team have won their 10th consecutive game this season, defying all expectations and clinching a spot in the playoffs. The reasons for this radical change are many, ranging from new coaches and a continually changing active roster, to increased funding for the athletic department. But there is one factor that can be considered the integral part of their latest successes; mandatory steroid injections. After a lackluster start to the season, the innovative and fo r ward-thinking minds at the University of Waterloo, led by David Johnston, decided to approve a motion that made steroid injections mandatory for all varsity players. According to the discussions, their goal was to show the rest of the world that UW’s innovative spirit does not end with the engineering department, or the marketing team (responsible for our fabulous new laser logo). When asked for a comment, David
Johnston only words were “why not?” As always, no new policy is without its opposition. From concerned parents to pissed-off opponents, everyone seems to have some beef with the beefingup. “It’s not fair,” cries (literally) the captain of the Laurier Golden Hawks football team. “It’s like going out on the field and facing off against 11 Arnold Schwarzeneggers. And not republican governor Arnold. Terminator Arnold! Do you know how intimidating that is?!” On the other hand, the Warriors seem to have no problem with the new policy. “Some tr a in h a r d, o th er s a r e naturally gifted; we take illegal drugs. It just another means to the same end,” said Warriors’ newest quarterback Croso Johnsece, in a voice surprisingly burly for a 17-year-old. “We won’t let a few ‘side-effects’ or ‘years of scientific testing’ cloud our decision.” When asked about former quarterback and teammate Blark Bire, he said cheerfully, “I think he’s finally getting that breast reduction surgery. Should be back on the field soon enough.”
A Warrior gearing up for a game on the Columbia Ice Fields. Steriods needs to be injected in large amounts over a short period of time in order to be effective.
SPORTS GAMES SOMEWHERE IN WATERLOO — A basketball game happened. A baseball game happened. a hockey game happened. A soccer game also happened, but I can’t be bothered to see that shit. B a s ke t b a l l g a m e ( p r e t t y g o o d odds): A home team played an away team. Five players from each team played, but these players switched around in the duration of the game. The basketball was passed repeatedly. It was shot. Some of those shots missed, while others went in. 3-point attempts were made, but those missed more. Players touched each other inappropriately, and fouls were called. This happened for four periods. Then the game ended. The home team won, and therefore, the away team lost. The crowd was happy. They showed their happiness by cheering. Good game, gentlemen. B a s eb a l l g a m e ( s l i g h t l y b e t t e r odds): Yet again, we saw a home team face off against an away team. This time, the players were equipped with wooden
bats. They tried to hit a baseball thrown by the opposing team. Sometimes they hit it, others, they missed. If they missed enough times, they were out. But if they hit it, they ran around on bases, where more opportunites to be put out of play would present themselves. Few were able to make it all the way around to the home base, winning their team a r un. After three outs, the teams switched places. This happened 16 more times (eight for each team) until one team triumphed over the other. A game well played. Hockey game (hor rible odds): Lo and behold, two teams face off once again. Seriously, they should really consider some battle royales. Anywho, back to the game. There were fights. A lot of fights. One on ones, team battles, you name it. And yet, no matter who won, both players were sent to the penalty box, rendering the whole fight useless. These fights were only meant to preser ve what little shred of a patriarchal concept of manliness they had left. Oh, and inbetween these fights, there was also something about a puck and sticks.
Ban Gay and Lesbian Geese on Campus
Vote NO on Referendum Eight
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Dear deputy, I shot the sheriff. But I did not shoot you. I want to shoot a different kind of load into your body. Luv ya. – Bandito Dearest Elisa, I saw you on the bus and couldn’t keep my eyes off of you. So I continued watching you as you got off the bus, walked to your apartment on Hazel street, entered apartment 115, talked to your parents on the phone, order some pizza, and then went to shower. Unfortunately by then, the windows got foggy. Be sure to leave the window open next time. Heck, leave the door open. – Shadow Dear Subway sandwich artist, You may think you know how to handle a footlong, but my secret sauce will blow your mind. – Jared To the guy at Phil’s, who touched my ass last night. I was actually drunk enough and desperately lonely enough to go all the way with you, even though you obviously have no respect for women whatsoever. I mean, c’mon, I went to Phil’s. How much bigger of a clue do you need? But then, you started touching my friends’ asses too. I may be desperate, but not that desperate... Okay, maybe I am. Only one way to find out. See me there tonight? – Wet Missed any connections lately? Well, maybe you should be more outgoing instead of the timid little thing you always are. How about that?! Always whining... Oh yeah. Send us content.
distractions@imprint.uwaterloo.ca
Distractions
VOL 32, NO 1
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How do you feel about the Twilight franchise? By whoever came back alive from the interviews “Vhat eez all zis sparkly mumbo jumbo? Votever happened to turneeng into a bat? Kids zeese days...” Nosferatu “Good for Edward, giving up human blood. A few more years, and he can live off of cereals, just like university students.” Count Chocula
“I’m going to kill that Bella bitch and have Edward Cullen all for myself. Mmmm.” Mona the Vampire
“Hmm. Immune to UV radiation. I still have 20 other ways to kill him. Bring it on, muthafucka!” Blade
“One! One shitty movie. Two! Two shitty movies. Three! Three shitty movies...” The Count
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VOL 32, NO
Comics
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