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Will Thorn Hallison really lose aU of his hair after being scared half to death at a Stephen King movie? This is just one of the many amazing predictions 54 year old psychic Horatio Jones has made for 1984. An employee of co-ordination and placement for the last 17 years, Horatio annually predicts major events from the upcoming year - and he's almost right! In his 1983 predictions, this psychic wonder accurately 'saw' that people would pay tribute to Kennedy on the anniversary of his assassination. He also correctly predicted that Kitchener Mayor Darn Cardillo would have a birthday! To better understand Horatio's phenomenal abilities to predict the future, see how many of his predictions for 1983 came true: iii Thom Hallison will be elected to an Important position on campus and will 2rect a building to commemorate the )ccasion. It win parade a nude woman 'lround campus twice, apologize twice, md be forgiven both times. • Everybody's phone will ring at least )nce. t Bent will hold concerts and lose money. II Paul McCartney will release yet mother stupid album. t The campus newspaper will be flooded lVith ietters to the editor against abortion 'Y people too ugly to have to worry about tanyway. I The Warriors will win a football game \gain in 1983. , A UW psych prof will publish a paper on he inhenmt masochistic tendencies of lUmans based on his survey of students vho are repeat customers at on-campus :afeterias. , UW will not win the 1983 Canadian nixed tennis championship. , A new will sweep the nation and he Bombshelter will be one of only five lars in Ontario not to stock the new beer. This amazing man and his psychic ,bilities continually confound all the soalled and scientists with his lncanny predictions, and he's at it again.

This time Horatio islookingahead to 1 with another list of psychic forecasts. Besides asserting that Thom Hallison will lose his hair after being terrified by a Stephen King movie, Horatio also says that: • A scandal will envelop the Federation of Students about Fed Flicks. A general meeting will be called by referendum and Fed Flicks co-ordinatior Chick Billiams will be told to select popular movies for screening instead of his personal favorites. Billiams will resign in shame and the 57 films in the Adventures of Gumby series will be returned. People will start going to Fed Flicks again, with or without popcorn, with the exception of UW Ombudsman Dean Hadon who will refuse to return until they bring back Gumby. • The Campus Enquirer will be sued by a psych prof for suggesting that he is a commie. The Enquirer will win the suit. • The proceeds of the countersuit will be used by the Enquirer to buy the tallest

building on campus (in the guise of a donation to Watfund) and re·name it the Enquirer building. A large neon sign bearing the Enquirer's motto, In Rhetoric We Trust, will be erected on the roof. The sign will flash on and off at 11 p.m. • A higher·up official in Food Services will announce the upcoming marriage of his daughter and the entire Food Services staff will attend a reception in her honour. It will be catered by an outside firm. • Thom Hallison will be advised by his campaign manager, Fred Hall, to run for a second. term as Fed President despite Hallison's frequent promises that he wouldn't. Hallison's executive will be so happy with the decision that they will all chip in and buy him a two bedroom condominium penthouse in Cockroach Towers. • The student pub building will finally be built after yet another redesign, this time by UW engineers. Acontest will be held to determine if it, Engineering Lecture Hail, or Environmental Studies is the ugliest building on campus. The winner will be the new computer research centre in the Arts Quadrangle that was designed to resemble a home computer. The keyboard will be a parking lot, and the huge screen will feature 24 hour videos and Army Training films interspersed with campaign messages from Brian Mulroney. • Mulroney himself will appear on campus at a civic ceremony to name a parking space in his honour. His wife will officially open the space by breaking a bottle of Indian Pale Ale over the curb. Campus Security will tow away Mulroney's car during the ceremony. • A cult calling itself a Christian fellowship will again hold meetings on campus after a year's absence. Top level University officials will explain the photos of them entering the meeting that will appear in the campus newspaper by saying that they were looking for Fed Flicks and entered the wrong room. The Fed Flick scandal will result. • Men's and women's athletic teams

Hair today and gone tomorrow that's what Thorn Hallison will be saying if Horatio's forecast comes true.

traveliing to the same place at the same time will be allowed to travel in the same vehicle for the first time in UW history. A pregnancy wili result and someone will be suspended from league play for the rest of the season. • The University President will dye his hair and beard black and switch to contact lenses in an effort to project a more youthful image. He will later be· discovered in a washroom in Noodles Hall with a marijuana cigarette in his whistling Elvis Costello tunes. • The Feds will form a parka and ski rental service for students wishing togo to Columbia Icefield in the winter. • Campus Security will get a new car and wreck it in a high speed chase around the Ring Road. The unidentified student will escape on his ten speed. • The University will bow to pressure to Will the youthful Dug make Bo refuse sponsorship of athletic teams and regret her Hollywood life? events by beer companies and the ~;;:;;,;;;;:;;;:;;,;==;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:;;;;;;;';;;;:;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:!;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:;;;;;;;;;:;:;;;===;;;;;;;;1 basketball, hoc key, field hoc key, and football teams will all havf! toshare one set of uniforms to cut costs. • The campus newspaper will hire a new editor who will finish turning it into an all sports and entertainment newspaper. The final step will be the removing of classifieds and students wili demonstrate. The Chevyron will be re·instated as the official student newspaper. captured Bo Derrick's heart when she saw him one to catch up on one's sleep, appeals for • CKMS will new brand music that no one particularly likes the chandeliers at Queen's Park where she funds (pay, students pay) _.- how much of called Slmnk Rock in which concert goers glamour can glamour have'? ~'Keep Ontario Clean" Heston to Nonetheless, it was grand all don't wash at all for three weeks will those Hollywood gossip columnists in attendin"J a concert. The electric be the of this new music form. town, and having National Enquirer, Bo weeks vVater/oo enjoying pre-prandial University Affairs and the Gazette e Paul McCartney will release raw hamburgers (steak to the snooty) at with pictures of our leader. And juicy tid- another stupid album. :irinks at Sonnys, around the dance floor at Pigeon Farm and a little late bits too--- "Goatee goatish", "Smart K- • UW will be announced as the official engineering school of the 1984 Olympics. night Ms. Pac-Man (no sexism in this burg). Yet, in spite of all the mart suits", "Dodge Aries delight". And Horatio ,Jones made other predictions hasn't Pierre Trudeau been upstaged? ..vonderful moments shared by the two, Dug gave Bothe boot. Yes folks, too, but this amazing psychic is simply too His white goddess it turns out, prefers to prolific for us to record all his offerings. t was back to bland Hollywood, silicon and sm playa guy. Think what that will do to his .~~~~~~--------------~ "Based on my track record," says macho image. Think of what Dug's Bo was taken to the airport in the echelons. Besides, witha university to run Horatio, "these forecasts wili all come alliance will do for the University. :ampus mini bus and tears streamed from ~ ceremonial jump ball at the Naismith, true. Besides, my last prediction for the "Bo never belonged here and personlef big blues. "I just tired of her -- one of Engineering faculty parties ("whoo-eee, ally I don't think she'll be missed in our fair year was that all my other predictions :00 many te~s," Right said, referring look at those chicken wings flying around would come true. city," Dug said. Jerhaps to the LQ.'s of his upper the room!"), Senate meetings to allow -DON BUTTON




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Student's Miracle Brush With Death! RESTAURANT


Second year Kinesiology major, Cad Avery, miraculously survived almost certain death on the North Campus. Here, exclusive for the Enquirer, is his amazing story of courage.



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by Cad Avery My heart stopped dead as I held the lab exam and my calculator in my hands. 1.5 volts surged into my sweaty palms and through my body . To my horror, I read 34.8 on the calculator's display and I thought, "1 can't survive this - it's tQo little!" Thurs Night: A Happy Ni~hf

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It had started off as such a good day, too. My roommate had left some cornflakes for me that morning, and there was even Tang in the house. I'd met a psychology student in the library. Now, Hhought, toask her what anal retentive means," and I remembered her sweet smile. I had a vision of my parents' grim faces. ! I stagge red from the building, my mind reeling. In my shock, I didn't notice which direction I was going. Suddenly! could walk no more, and, clutching my heart, I fell to my knees. Then I realized that I was lost! I didn't recognize any of the surrounding terrain. There was a railway track and I thought, "Oh God, please let this lead


to civilization" and began following it. I was freezing cold and my knees were badly skinned from my fall. It seemed like forever that I followed that track. Once (thought it would be better to move away from it, but as soon as Idid I saw two UFOs -- large, glowing domes ._- and in terror I ran back to the only !ink I had with civilization. By then it was dark and I "OK now I'm in Your Hands." Soon I saw a bigpathandlshouted, "Thank God!" out loud. I felt much better knowing God was on my side, even though I could hear wild animals all around me. suddenly, I saw a towards me. ,·o>'.,.,.\1n" in terror, I ran in my into see. I ran for what seemed like hours before I stopped to listen to hear if the bear was still All was quiet. I would to see anyone --even Sgt. Schphincter of the Dirt Patrol. I fell to thE ground, sobbing Then I noticed the of the city and I thanked God, I'd been be able to drunk: to and live.

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"Self abuse doesn't count," explained Mister Bation, "and neither do physical objects or animals. It hasto bewith an unrelated human." The results of his survey are available in his latest book, How To Get Lucky When You Aren't, but a Campus Enquirer exclusive partial sampling of his suggestions should put you on the right track. Some of his more universal suggestions on how to goabout lubricating your chassis when you have the sex appeal of an engineer are: lD At Hallowe'en dress up as Margaret Trudeau and walk around unW you find some lD Invite someone over mushrooms on @ Become Ren(~ !II Tell are wrong. lD Join a communist group and demand that share the wealth with

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• Ride around UW on a horse without your clothes on. • Join a motorcycle gang. • Get elected Fed President. • Let it be known at Bent concerts that you are int( private art collections. • Enrol in a CNIB course. • Join Imprint and say you want to have in·depth train in! in the darkroom. • Walk through Waterloo Park after two a.m. in tn(

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Keep Informed! Subscriptions for the Winter Term: $8.50 So why not send your cheque with your name and address to Imprint in the Campus Centre, Room 140, or just drop by! Deadline: December 15/83 This is your oppor!unity to be sure that none of your friends inlhe opposite or Regular streams are sayin rude. crud" or nasty things about you in the Personals column oflmprint Classifieds while you areaway, Kee up-to-date on Fed affairs, sports scores. pubs, lim/who finally gets the iast word on studem and world issue



ho's . The beautiful Twin Cities of Kitchener-Waterloo were ~~ed and elated this week . . . . at, int~rlla tiot}aJ ...

Willy's Wonken A frowning baby Prince William of Wales did us the honour of a doodoo this past week. Deep in concentration, Little Willy was heard to grunt and groan excessively. When asked if this had anything to do with his perception of the K-W area, William repllied, "I hate the &¢%* press! Get off my back already!" It seems that Willie has been taking Dealing with the Pr~s Lessons from Aunt Anne.


Pocket Politics

Maggie's Back

,Brampton Billy Davis, in disguise, was observed riding the KW city bus routes over and over again last weekend. When asked what he was doing, Billy told us, "Well, I'm trying to get my hands on the pulse of the province. It's in a messy situation, but I hope to have it cleared up soon."

This exclusive shot was taken at one of K-W's most exotic hotels and shows Margaret Trudeau and her new man Santa Xavier Claus, twin brother to the real thing. When asked if their relationship was serious, Margaret giggled and replied, "Where do you think Santa's other hand is?"

Petering Out That's right, we caught Bab's ex, Jon Peters snipping locks at a local hair emporium. Looking fried as usual, Jon was overheard swearing viciously and seemed to be rubbing his left nipple nervously. When asked why he was engaged in such bizarre behaviour here in Canada instead of living in Hollywood and producing pictures like he normally does, he screamed, "I am not taking drugs, and I'm not having an affair with Pierre Trudeau!!" We've heard that one before.

AyDiving Disguised national hockey star Wayne Gretzky paid a surprise visit to the K-W area. When asked why he was wasting his time here instead of being back in Edmonton with the team, Wayne merely shrugged and fidgeted nervously.

When pressed, Mr. Gretzky assured us that he was "not taking drugs and that rumors about him and Thom Hallison wasjust that a rumour."(Andanyonewhobelieves thatisagoatsuckinggrunt·brain.)

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New Toronto sensation, The Parachute Club found time to drop by K-W for a few performances and to visit old friends. Few people knew that the Club started out as a Mennonite folk-singing group from St. Jacob's that used to sing at the Market for a discount on vegetables. It's a great country when such things can happen, eh?


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a shot that would say we did it. The flick still has a lot scenes with ... well. . . with thE; hole in it will live on and bE;come our statement. It is the United States. It is Russia. It's the CIA and the KGB. kids nl;'HI1of1t'1 in thE; street. mom and it's a Siberian Huskie in Top right: One of the stars of the film, Teresa UW's own TE;rri Barnyard). Explains McKiipklop, the scenes with Teresa go beyond the physical reality of Teresa; her it with the June T ay!6r Dancers underwater is highly sa tiricaL "She does this Jaws take-off, see, in which she lies at the bottom of the in the Hawliday Inn in Baghdad for insurance salesmen from Cleveland to come floating by. Well, the rest is Bottom right: Many people are expected to run to see this especially Teresa's breasts, but this shot has absolutely nothing to do with the film. What happened was that Mere Lustier wasn't as STl100th as usual and the Fine Arts Department secretarial staff gave, chase. As he was running away, Mere tripped and his camera went off, and we needed the shot to fili this space so we used it. Think of it as symbolism or something. Sex in Baghdad opens at stags and receptions around the country on December 12th. Proceeds go to the sexually handicapped. - TWO HAX

Not to be outdone by TV Guide, the Campus Enquirer is launching a Celebrity Recipe column that promises to be bigger and better than anything you've ever-seen before! Well known for their sexploits (no tattling, but a recent run 'round campus with an oh so naked nubile nymphet in tow got them inconsiderable trouble with the big guys), these men can cook! In keeping with their sizzling reputations, their favorite recipes are sexational! Everyone has aphorodesiacal qualities, guaranteed for quick results (or so the girls in the know say) ... So get set, put on your favorite flowered apron, and let's cook with the Engineers ... speaks well of roasted skink. Arabs still make use of it, the ancient Greeks did likewise, and Piny the Elder has left us a Roman recipe which differs from (A nice way to start any meal) the one here given. Take the legs and head of a hare and put itto boil in four or five quarts of water with a ham bone, one big onion (which you have roasted before the fire), two or three pieces of celery, one clove of garlic, a (who said these guys don't bouquet farni composed of a small sprig of read classics?) rosemary, basil, thyme, marjoram, a stick of Sparrows have always been praised as stimulcinnamon, about ten cloves, twenty peppercorns ants. Aristotle has written: "Propter nimium and a pinch of saffron. Boil till the meat is practically coitum, vix tertium annum elabuntur" (Heavens!). cooked into ragl Take the flesh of the hare, Whoever wants to test this should take several throwing away the-bones and pound it into a paste, brains of male sparrows and half the quantity of the through a sieve, and mix it with the liquor. Put brains of pigeons which have not yet begun to fly. on the fire and thicken by stirring in a paste made of Take a turnip and a carrot and boil them in chick-pea the raw liver of the hare pounded with a little cream broth. Cut in little slices the turnip and carrot, and and a dash of good brandy. Do not allow to boil, but put them in a deep pan with half a glass of goat's milk, serve very hot with croutons. and boil till the milk is almost absorbed. Now put in the brains and sprinkle them with clover seeds. Take off the fire as soon as they come to a boil, and serve hot. .... (A reptile aphrodesiac) The skink is lauded as a stimulant by many . ancients. The difficulty will be to find it. But if someone chances to be in Africa or Arabia he will be able (Just a little something for a weekend to do so. One way of cooking skirtk is the following: get-together with the boys) Fillet them (along the backbone), soak them in beaten egges, season and fry in olive oil. Take a large olive, stone it, and stuffit with a paste Mesue preferred the tails of skink. Tristram made of anchovy, capers and oil.

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Put the olive inside a trussed and boned garden warbler. Put the warbler inside a fat ortolan. Put the ortolan inside a boned lark. Put the stuffed lark inside a boned thrush. But the thrush inside a fat quail. Put the quail, wrapped in vine leaves, inside a boned lapwing. Put the lapwing inside a boned golden plover. Put the plover inside a fat, boned, red-legged partridge. Put the partridge inside a young, boned, and wellhung woodcock. Put the woodcock, rolled in breadcrumbs, inside a boned teal. Put the teal inside a boned guinea fowl. Put the guinea fowl, well larded, inside a young and boned tame duck. Put the duck inside a boned and fat fowl. Put the fowl inside a well-hung pheasant. Put the pheasant inside a boned and fat wild goose. Put the goose inside a fine turkey. Put the turkey inside a boned bustard. Having arranged your roast after this fashIon, place it in a saucepan of proper size with onions stuffed with cloves, carrots, small squares of ham and suitable spices. Seal the saucepan hermetically by closing it with pastry. Then put it for ten hours over a gentle fire. Before serving, remove the pastry, put your roast on a hot dish afterhavingremoved the grease, if there is any, and serve. It might be difficult to procure so varied an assortment of wild fowls anywhere at one and the same time; difficult, topo, to find bustards in Europe nowadays; difficult, too, to stuff a bigger birdlike the lapwing into a smaller one like the plover. Oh well.

Still hope for dieters with new breakthrouah from University of Waterloo Food Services .. You've heard of a million and one ways to lose weight the grapefruit diet, Dr. Stillman's diet, the pizza and beer diet (it takes a long time to work but you don't mind being on it.) Now researchers at a southwestern Ontario university have discovered a diet that really works - the University of Waterloo Food Services Diet. It's easy to incorporate into your daily routine, says Professor B. S. Moody, of UW Food Sciences Faculty. In fact all UW's cafeterias are participating inan experimental programme. Unknown to students, Food Services is offering them only specially-prescribed foods that are on the high nutrition low calorie scientific diet. Crisp french fries, scrumptious chocolate eclairs and hearty submarine sandwiches are a few samples of the health-food fare served at UW Food Services outlets. Moody says he is also thinKing of substituting homemade zucchini cookies and soybean-honey-bran-yogurt-fruit-nut-alfalfa sprout bars in vending machines on campus.


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"We try to fulfill all students' requests for the food they want, no matter how weird it seems," he said, shrugging his shoulders and rolling his eyes. The special diet at UW cafeterias seems to be working - not only are sales up ten per cent over last year but a number of students have reported they are slimmer and trimmer. "My appetite is really disappearing," said one attractive blonde coed, her brow slightly wrinkled in puzzlement. When informed of the secret Food Services scientific diet breakthrough, she turned white and walked towards the ladies' washroom. "Hey, this food services stuff is all right, man," said a well-dressed architecture student sporting lime-green lea&J!er pants, orange angora scarf and a very short haircut. "But it's not really the taste that matters - it's the \;pace you eat it in. You have to have space to digest properly, you know." Moody has set up a committee on campus to investigate the effectiveness of the breakthrough diet and has invited comments from all interested staff, faculty and students. He will likely hire a co-op student in January to analyze computer printouts of data he collects. If the new diet prove successful, Moody will consider experimenting with the UW administration. "They always say they're trying to trim fat from the university's budget. Let's see how they trim themselves," he chuckled. ! - CHRIS REDFERN

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The Alien Page

Through the new Fed "word processor", Hallison can manipulate the whole UW computer network to send coded to Banalia.




ed PrezBanal! He's an

hereto spy on usall Besides being an alien space-being f,rom the galaxy of Banalia who was '''''''''~'''T down to earth twenty-three years ago with the mission of controlling .1'tI'a.... ~ minds, Thom Hallison, 'Fed Prez, is a sneaky guy. His illicit, kinky sexual liaisons with co-Feds Mike F airabee and Bawbwa (the Bwod) Bwoyd need be mentioned here. Nor will the Campus Enquirer splash Hallison's under-the-table dealings with BENT (he DEMANDED to be . and then chained to Spons bassist Sandy Hoorne's dressing room bed wearing only a wisp of leather, paying personnel the undisclosed sum of $24.37 for the priviledge).

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! , The Campus Enquirer cannot allow good smut like this to go to waste any longer! So, we put one of our secret,,sneakier-than-even-Tom photographers, Smurk (the Eye) Lussier on Thorn's trail of treachery and I,.n,~.... ,,,tir,... and caught Hallison the Atrocious in several of the sleazy, everyday acts that are the benchmark of his - MAKUM RUEIT As part of the standard practice of his oppressive regime, Hallison puts cheap drugs into the food and beverages of his executive and counsellors. Lustier catches him here drugging a Fed plant. "Nothing can be overlooked," whispered Hallison as he poured.

Thorn smiles wryly as he gets ready to send a letter to his leaders in Banalia. "All going as planned," wrote Hallison on the back of the envelope. "Fed Hall will house our next rocket bay.'" (The Campus Enquirer has learned rocket bays go for about $400,000 these days).

Every night Hallison has to climb into a secret capsule hidden deep in the beer-cooler of the Bombshelter to regenerate his smelly, outer-space cells. While in the capsule, Hallison has long, drawnout conversations with his teddy - Fred the Fed. Free drinks (appropriately drugged, of course) for Fed executive members are standard policy of this sneaky guy. Hallison loves to keep the student leaders lubed up as he masterminds his next plot to rip us off.

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Thorn always has lots of shit on his desk to make it look like he's doing something other than being subversive. (It is a little-known fact that Hallison can't read English, although he is fluent in Banal.) After a hard day of corruption, our Banal ruler likes to put up his feet and smile snidely, confidtYlt in" ' . the knowledge that he will soon be al* to complete his mission and return victoriously, to his home planet. Banal forever!



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re Engineers as manly as they seem?

HowToTeU YourBoyfriendisa Gay Engineer: t's common knowledge that 3.8 per cent of all engineering tudents are homosexuals l1e 1981 national Gallup poll onfirmed what many people ad long suspected - but ow can you tell if your handsome, athletic guy really other sex? (Le. not which is female if you


bothered to read this article thus far). The Enquirer, in its concern and sympathy for its readers, has decided to expose these charlatans for what they really are -- jerks for leading you on, right? Just when you thought you had that meal ticket wrapped around your little finger and ready to stride up the whammo! he turns homo on you, just like


that. Here are our tips, to save you the trouble of working on d hopeless cause. Please pass on this informa bon to as many women as you can. Unite and fight for justice! 11I He prefers computer programming to necking with you. Nobody prefers computer programming to anything! It's the most dehumanizing, frustrating waste of time yoU can imagine. But then again, it

may be the same with necking -_. it all depends on how good you are. • Hangs round the engineering society office so he can "flirt with Liz" the secretary. Don't fall for that line. All the guys use it. Liz is actually a 50 year old mother of 11 who can keep anyone, female, or animaL in line. I-ie's at the offlce to flirt with Blair, Don, and Rod (you really think a guy named Rod is straight?) 11I His friends make jokes about filling cream donuts and he tries to it off. 11I He drinks beer to excess. a that reo! men drink copious quantities of beer, burp, fart, and pic k up women. Real men drink scotch. on rocks, at the fitness club. (Remember we're trying for a catch with here.) Actually, if that's the case, should really be out at the of T law library . • Says the 'Hidgid Tool' mascot Inside information reveals that it's actually a ritualistic sex torture performed at thc iron ring ceremony upon graduation. (And any time afterwards when the little woman is out of town.) A final word of consolation; even if you'd discover you've had the bad taste to date a gay engineer remember there's () whole faculty of virile, sensitive artsies out there, they don't embarass you by parading carnpU5 wearing goofy yeliow displaying d of

ou can guess that I wasn't much to look at. All you could Femaie impersonator of the year, Brain Mulroney, see of me was the two holes for my eyes ... and I had to running a hand through his Brylcreem-topped, beehive hair-do, said that he values clothes more than he does wear glasses over them!" But, fortunately, she was "drip dry" folks because when you hang up clothes, converted to the Anti-Curtain Party, a weird sect that everyone stands around and admires the finery; but when encourages disrobing. Now, she wears lampshades and you liang criminals, everyone thinks it's gross. "I can't karate pants, and feels that she has finally become "a real student". understand why," he said. Well, Enquirer readers, as you've read here, clothes do 4& And Ethel Grubber-blubberpiece, garbed in a make the person! If your life has been chan~Jed by the slinky, burlap sack halter top and a wraparound sheet metal skirt, and chomping on a fat Cuban cigar, spat out clothes you wear, or if you believe clothes are more According to a recent Enquirer inquiry, her statement on the subject: "Cloze an' udder doodads important than people, write us and let us know. Best mducted among the cO'optf!d students in the peepulls wears ta cuvver up dem naked skins iz Duttuh responses win T-shirts ripped and torn especially for -_. T.S. ELIOT CLARKE b interview pit at Needless Hall, clothes are den day are, 'cos, ya no, doze are eazy ta change; but ya summer wear! jex' try ta change yaself!" As she eloquently put it, ore than the people who wear them "Changin' yaself iz a bitch!" your personality as well. The Enquirer also asked the students to describe how The asked 1000 model students why they clothes had changed their personalities, Two responses nsider human less worthy than clothes. Some are given belmAl. responses are given below: 4& UW pinball wizard, Dug Right, wearing a beanie cap 1. Culture Snub Where's My Colouring Book? Hamson, dressed impeccably in Pierre Cardin and a gaudy pink Tshirt with "1101/8 Bo Derrick" written 2. Durip Durip - What Ragged belt, and tiesaid that clothes can be replaced on it in red sparklers, had this to say: "Well, I used towear 3. Genessisy -- Armageddon wear out, while people, once they wear out, can hard harts and sneakers all the time! was an undergrad4, There is No Four-- Nope, no way. ver be As he put it, "You can replace a whole uate engineer, looking up poodles' dresses from under S. Men Without Toques- Cold Heads in Canada ,rdrobe of double·breasted suits, but you can never sidewalk grates. Then, I discovered the fascinating 6. UIC·40-- No Labour -- Fill In The Forms )lace even one double-breasted Thorn Hallison!" fashions of Yves St. Laurent, started sporting bow· ties 7. English Beaters --- VJhat Is /\ Blender? :.JWhorrormoJiedragqueenstar,FfayRray,sporting around my waist, met Co-op Derrick, and 8. Billy Joke It's toBeA Waitress sombrero and wearing plastic pants blossomed into a pinko pinball playerl" Now, said Right, 10. Bob D e a l y i n - Any sandalwood sandals, said that she prefers clothes to he's in great demand as a modeller of designer meccanoChurch At All :)ple when clothes get wrinkled, you can set bikini briefs (worn recently by the Incredible Hulk). Just Arrived~-- New Releases iron but when people get wrinkles, you can't €I Another response came from Slinky Suzy Slim, 1. Alcohol Poisoning-- Can't Get It Up No More Shealsosaid thatit is hardertowashpeoplethan it connoisseur of fine fingers. She said that she used to be a 2. Happy Middle of the Road Gang -- Music Mom o wash clothes: "Do you know what kind of fuss adults shy, withdrawn kid who hid from men every chance she and Dad Like k when you try to stuff thern into washers? Well, it's goL "I used to wear curtains from my head to my toes," 3. Uppers and Downers- Just In Time for Exams exclaimed. a dr New York c' ·!lo. __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _J -she

most of your you've 2lieved that the person is more lportant than the clothes he or she ears, right? And you've also Jelieved that a person can not be langed by the clothes he or she ears, right? Well, you're wrong!




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In a Campus Enquirer exclusive interview con~ ducted by reporter Scoop Veritas, Prof. Wuglas sepen, self-styled campus radical, commented on his career at Waterloo. Q: Why would an American agent be sent to Southern Ontario? A: That's hard to say. Perhaps the boys at Langley thought that the University of Waterloo was located in Belgium. Q: Have you enjoyed your time at Waterloo? A: On the whole, yes. It's close enough to Stateside that I don't get too homesick. Q: Do you feel that your activities have borne fruit? A: To a large degree. I have been active in many groups and a leader in several. I am frequently asked for important statements. Q: Is the radica/fringe in Canada growing and effective? A: It thinks so; but there tend to be too many splinter groups, some of which oppose all the others. Q: Are you frequently challenged? A: Not on inteJlectual My opponents tend to be over-enthusiastic and rather but not too well read. Q: What hGS been to date? ~;;;;:;;;;:;;;;:;;;;:;;;;::;;:::;;:::;;:::;;::;;;;;;;;;::;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;~ I

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~~~======~~~~~~~~~::::!..I So I do stupid songs! Do you know how much it costs to keep that stupid bitch Linda in clothes? --Paul McCratney The thing between Bo and I was totally plutonic '-- most of the time. Of course, she used to love it when I'd make up a batch of lemon ,Jell-O and stick my .. , well, we had a good time Dug Right



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A: A visit to Albania. Wherever I wen people shouted, "Make the Rich Pay! Only later did I realize they were referrin tome. Q: Are Canadian atlfhorities on the aiel for Comsymps and subversives, eln taking effective action? A: I see them as fascist beasts and syphilitic flunkeys of Wall Street. Never theless, they display occasional shrewdness. Q: For example? A: Denying my citizenship application,

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Campus Enquirer

Page 16





I With Ms. Nancy Dear Ms. horrible. years and can't avoid staring at women's when I lecture. What can Ida? Prof

Dear Prof, Obsessive jerks like you shouldn't be let loose on our undergraduates. You ought to be on street corners panhandling for nipples and dimes. i

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been laid yet, ever. Iielp!



I ~



I! ,

j I

! Misplaced

Dea:rMisplaced, I suppose it beats saying you come Dildo, Newfoundland (you could break out with something else). Sorry, but I have my own problems in that regard -- I come from Elmira.

Dear Ms. Nancy, Yesterday I was in a threesome with two others from the English Language Proficiency Program. Just as I was about to explode, someone uttered, "I hope none of us have herpes."? Calm Position

Dear Calm Position, ask me-- ask your Bedlette !


serve my new religion - Fairabeeism." The former used shoe salesman went on to explain his new religion, founded on December 1983 and again on December 8th, 1983'; "I call it Fairabeeism because I invented it. I know a lot of people want religion but don't want a lot of the rigamarole that goes with it. With Fairabeeism, there aren't a lot of rules or traditions to worry about. They just sacrifice two young virgins to me once a month and that's about it." Fairabee was not willing to comment on how well it was going so far but none of the girls the Enquirer knows are involved.


Published weekly by Enquirer, Inc., Lantana, Fra. 33464. Vol. 58, No. 13. MAIL SUBSCRIPTIONS $19.95 a year in U.S .• $20.95 a year Canada, $25.00 a year for foreign addresses. Second Class postage paid at Lake Worth, Fla.. and at additional


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Johnny Snot, age 12, UNIX Hacker A modified design for Federation Hall was approved last Sunday, by student council. The design came in just under budget at $1.5 million. Federation of Students president, Thom Hallison declared, "Yes, we're quite proud of ourselves. Getting a design that was helow budget is a significant achievement for my administration. It was too bad that at the last minute we had to drop the rotating restaurant concept to do it." Critics of Hallison have alleged that the final design for what is now being called 'Uncle Tom's Cabin', has strayed substantially from the original concept. However, Hallison insisted that "although the rotating restaurant was dro[Jped, the design will still seat 650 people, but not at the same time."

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In the least bit Dinky, I remain your me to the BUllring. Write to me, Anne cow again and I'll break your ever-loving Wink\'. has address. "Disco", the "sexy" Hugs and Kisses, (ireggie L. Centurian. .....-:-.:;--'";::"__-;-77___=--;-7:;---t~r:pJ\1rMi;rrVifiiiiS'iii1;;sTIh,[)i);;Andrea, Carol, Marg and Mary Jim Hall Memorial Ball Hockey Thanks for a very enjoyable term; Santa filisyour socks with beer. See Team. Congratulations on your you made life in residencc bearable. j.--:y~a_ne_x_t..;y_'e_a_r_.'_f_fo_u_b_l_e_{_>._O_._T_.A_:_r.__ appearance in the finals. DB. Good luck and have fun next term. Cindy Windy Wendy Worm: Happy Brad and Steve. Birthday December 20th! Your J.H.,:J.C.,C.M.Cheerstothreewild 1--::-:=~;-:7,:7:'::-:-7=~--.-:-----:-I h umourous b rot her F·raser. ('\' . C'J. ) and crazy roomies. Thanks for the '" nothing worth- ' -_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __

jd: Last I slept on sheets of fire, burning up in wanton desire. The Dow n is P ai n my room is Black; I

Personal Are you a Turtle? Emmy: The last 3 years heaven. I love cuddling with you (among other things). Je t'aimes toujouis. Your little Punkin.

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blindly look for you. Wishing you were beside me now,jb. of. To the most refreshingly different girl that I've ever met. I've thor. d t he b' . oug hI yenJoye ne f time we,ve had together. I now it's not your nature. but take the initiative and


Helen Hope you have a great waterfight. insults and abuse. It's while every comes free ... I hope you To my little elf. Thanks for a great birthday and best wishes for the been great, Merry Christmas. P.S. have enjoyed the past term, if nothing term. Can't wait for Toronto. I still future. Keep smiling. U gma, Ahinsa. It-~g~iv:.:e~m=e.:a~c:a::II::.. ..:R:·_ _ _ _-...,._ _-Is:t;i;;UC;;;;;;;-:-;~th;~~:;;;;j(Ttt;;:i I my t ypmg ' k'li to sec your nighty. Santa. Shirl,Laura, and the Campus Kitten: esc S I S are muc h ......want ___ __ __ ___ _ _ __ Paresh, Punam, Vinay. Pickles: Well. another term is over improved ... HaveamerryChristmas I You weiners are leaving! Mu. later! Chris: "Behold also the ships, which and almost done with. You've Things won't be the same without ·L··au1re"'n'itS.h you clear sailing in '84. though they be so great, and are Ding Dong -- Have a terrific certainly added excitement, humour Superman, Me Pillow, and the 1-_____________--1 driven by fierce winds, yet arc they birthday and don't let exams bring and a bit of paranoia to this you down. Twinkie. Turkey. Season's Greeeting! Why turned about with a very small helm, Afghan. The TV Lounge will be sometimes dreary life. Each term our quieter during GH and other don't you stop byforsome Christmas wither so ever the governor listeth. Vinay- Wishing you a happy 21st friendship grows stronger. Imagine spiritual events. Either keep in touch cheer afterthe thirteenth (no rumand Even so the tongue is a little member, birthday and best wishes for the next eighty years from Take care. or eat worms. Love, CaroL Vebbie, eggnog). Good luck on Finals! A and boasteth great things. Behold, 21. Ugma, Ahinsa, Paresh, and Blanche and the rest of the morgue friend. how great a matter a little fire Love, Goober. Punam. Isomers. Co on a job losers. ~---M-----C-,------!~ kindleth." Have a Merrv Chri~tmas. well done! The word travels fast. The pper, orgue: ontrary to popu ar Laurent. . Bradley Ste\'c: thanks for an pony - I've got a pang for a piece of belief· _.- she is cute and cuddly. (Even eventful term. it was a lot offun. Best Revengers. cake. Got any recipes? A.S. the feet...) Mary; it's going to bea long2 months of luck during your work terms. SECS: Have a great workterm folks! wait P S I'll take out the garbage Merry Christmas! Marg, Carol and Can'twaittillsummersowecanpick Names I (correeted)-- I jumping You~C~~e Breloner, A.S. ,. Andrea. conclusions. was basing on impresup where we left off. sions, you show what capable In I Tim: Wednesday llIghts have been l\Hk & R(·g: Who are you? How do Merry Christmas to: Anthony, Lee, you haven't. how I convinced yourto great. Thanks for all your help. you know us? We want ourdwinks --Margo, Jody, Rick, Judy, Lori, I'm. I-=----,~-------::_:_~:---:-I Merry Christmas. Your working where are you? Donna & Leslie. n are you and Michael Mark, Tina, Sharon, Rhona, Peter, Partner. To the a great taking your next cruise on "the Love I-r,;--:--::-;:r-;;---;--:-:~:,:--..,...--:--:-.,... Tbeo: I expect to see you wearing the Keven, Laura, Steve, Carol, Kerry, term, hopetoseeyouall inJan. Come Boat"? Don't get your sea-sickness red ribbon for Christmas. All Ted E. Dave, Amajet, Jamie, Dave, and out to BC some time! Tony. pills mixed up with the other ones! didn't have to drink to make his nose Bear's only wear ribbons, don't they? Mario. See you all Saturday. red! By the way, how did you get We hear the owl's got the balls. What's with the argyle sweater? Get Congrats to Iceomers: B2 ChampWhere does that leave Michael? So the those panty hose'! The Revengers.* ions Ice Hockey Champs. A team any with it! H. Hancock. much for the "easy way out"! Signed whiteout. Come over any time for Tuxedo - Forthe past three weeks I coach would be proud of. What a Kinky, Winky, and Dear M.G.L See, I didn't forget liverwurst and pickles. The coach. great season. Tina. have been verv comfortable with a sex dwarves. about you after all! Ditto, ditto, Ottawa this winter. Room-mate routine. It ha; been a nice. socially Henry Marty: Good luck in the ditto. Hope your term ends well. wanted to share house with three acceptable way to take a nap. Almost We'll miss you ... almost as much as Have a great time in Hawaii. Love, is doing the same thing over and over others. Located at W oodroffe and ready to wake up now. Looking Rose. O. and 0. (giggle). Are you sure you Knoxdale in Nepean. Good bus again but expecting different reforward to '84. Hope you will be a Kan't stay? Happy Holidays! Sharon service to BN R, downtown. etc. Call suits." Here's to a fantastic New part of it. Laurent. ''.lolmie'', Mazcltov on the rest of Johnson and Anna M. Year! Can we talk,?,?,?! Still keeping ~=--,...,.,-------~--Steve at 881i-7876 or UW ext. 2327. your finals! I can hardly wait until m Y e \·e" j ~ peel . e d f or you ... 0 Id an d" nco "Lovie" _.- thanks for the birthda vJ H ow about lingering Xmas! And I'm really looking wish in last week's issue. I thought in the afterglow. I don't ear ho" forward to our work terms!! ... not at all! Laurent. h' Id b .. t . IS wou. e an appropnate time(in diskriptive yor righting iz, akshions GUY;;: Here's to us. (Ginandanything 2 little sex dwarves: Do you suppose the "Misprint") to thank you for all ways speek lowder than wurds. of course). I'm going to miss it all. Lousy will forgive us? Do you always being there to make me smile! Please reply. Miss Mc. Best Christmas ever and don't forget suppose she'll understand us'? Since Yahoo we made it through the to write_ The Non-J. and Connie: 'Thanl<s for I'm not fau and not term! Here's to 1984 ... --- "Janers"


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Highlander Hotel "Scotland Yarel" Dinnies Den (University of Calgary)


.,1 ...... circulation

of any paper in AfMri. ca ••• Low_ ad rates ..... tftousand of any national puWication ••• UnbeataWe puIiftg pow., .•. ENQUIRER" mean profits.


For information on odYertiti"l ......, write Jockie Holt....., a..tified Aclve,tili"l Department, CAMPUS ENQUIRER Lontano, Flo. 33464

and have a· Merry male student wishes to share with two Serious Ad! Two bedroom selfY'our exams r om and Dad - Many thanks fo ROd A 'I hi ~~ ....,.. e wonderful celebration on our Christmas and a Happy New Year. other students (preferably two fem- contained furnished upstairs house. I e val a e ,~ 1st". Looking forward to spending I--I~-';--D----""""'J-h"'---""M~'d~ ales). Large master bl!droom has Separate entrance, Fifteen minute 1---------.........;:.-....1....UAJ,_ oug, and 0 n -al adJ'oining study. Rent is $315;; walk to campus. Suitable for two D' R lfistmas with all the family -services over Christmas. Resumes 84 ally to exdale, Ont. starting Jan. uch Love Jane & Shelagh. .hi' J II X month, $105/ each. Call Mark 888- female undergrads. $165 p.m, (win2, to April 30. Anyone interested in Wit a sa ary raise. 0 y -mas. 6554. ter), or $1_35 p.m. (summer) each . h I shanng gas/ driving, please call Jeff I_ove your G erman M al'd IM'le.e c. l'ncluded utilities. 884-4332 or camlualors: Modulusesareinseason.A I~---------_dbll--t Toronto - Winter '84. Wanted 744-5665. fUie of ouzo does not a party make r~ pus ext 3729 It it feels damn good. Beware of Housing Wanted {ex-)} one non-smoker, female, to share I ' . ·n·. . • .. osewhodon'texist. Dasluftkissen- ......----------~IC!I~p! bedroom apt. Corner Eglinton & One room III two bedroom apt.m Typing' ~W~ flrzug ist ful mit alles. The eel I Bathurst. Rent $165/ month. Call Married Students apartments. Av: ~;:~ Kenora: looking for a 'place to stay 885-3212. ailable for Winter '84 term, Call 885- 1--......;,-...;..~~.lIP-~-----mers. and/ or roommates fora workterm in I-Sum;;W:-=-2b~~~~~T-1 6808. Courteous accurate and reliable tous mes amis- Variety is the very Kenora, Jan-April '84. Call Tom I 2 bedrooms m 3- ':SiiiiiiiiieroO-(j;j):Silideflt;i:EiiiChei"Or1 typing; adjacent to campus; 80,,/ Fulton at !lR.n'-16Q6. bedroom townhouse available in I crn~;';'n ;:o,.lIopn" •. R,,~ .ence 0 f If e. We may no t a Iways ,--, r_ " v~~l' . - - -... -. double spaced page; bookingsaccep,derstand" one another -- we can Robinwood. Rent is $127 each per apt. available ... fully furnished ... ted; thesis, papers, letters, etc. Anna, IJy try but we must appreciate; For Sale\-h) (\..~ month. Townhouse is fully furnished may even leaveT.V. Quiet building ... 886-9746. r differences, and of course, our .....-----l.t::::'o!:::; '-;I_Y~i~"Yf-_"i~e~xc::.:e~p::t:fo:::r~b::e:d:s.~P;h::o:n~e.:8:8::.6-4-;:.O:29:.~~ only 15 min. bike or bus ride to 'I .. M ('h' II I ~'......,.......,......, M"" campus ... $265 monthly with hydro .......- - - - - - - - - - - - m aniles, erry . nstmas a, Computer, Apple II plus compatible, .. _-, - Sept. SpacIOus four bed- Call Dave at 749-1966. Typing __ $1.00 per double spaced lurent. 48K memory, U/L case, Numeric rooms, close to universities and i-=--~...",...--~':':"-:-,:--.,....-~:--:---4 page. Call Tangie 744-9130 after 5 mger Krista 4A Chern: Rumour k; pad, $499. Also monitor, printer, shopping mall--- Rent $150; per Close (TO": I 5 min. walk) p.m. Monday __ Friday, 9 a.m. to 12 :s it that only one person has ever disk drive, diskettes ete. Call Ed 742- person. Call 885-0390. 1-2 bedrooms available for female noon Saturday & Sunday. ') d th' 2904 . I-:::--~~~~--:---:---:----t s.tudent. Columbia and Westmount I e elf 492 , an d th a t' s on Iy Female student wanted to share large , se III eY d'do'! "Bea t the Flock .....-=--...,...---...."..-...,....~---,,..---I (but its not the Village!) for ......-- -T- -I - - - -' eau: I Tr."'~ml~.a.coatsf~rsale.{)n~dowlllapartment with three girls. Non- area M agglean . C ."u " .... ~. ,.v . ~.".. Winter Semester. Full use of house; ype t.' Essays, t h eSIS, F'! 'd" th R on a: e ,,; {toll);'" •. filled full length brown coat wI'th fur smoker. J5 min. walk to U of W, 5 shared with four other female Ietters, $1 .00 per page. Resume ear Wes: I can't believe Christmas hood. One full length black leather. min. to Westmount Mall. $113/ students. Call Carol 884-0583 for $5.00. Minimum charge $5,00. Both in excellent condition. 885- month&cable. Phone886-2598. more details. "Free" pickUp and delivery. Phone JPon us! It seemsjust like yesterday was through yo ur win1835. Liz. t-M"-a=-y---;A-=u-=gu=s==t-.-"Wv':i:": an:::-:ted:J"::tVI:-:-;O::-1-~ Ho~u~se~~~ for'~ fiv-e~""""" is. a-~v--:-;ail~al-;-;ble-;:f~or-s-u-;-b-;-le-:-1t 743 -1976. 'W. Happy Love always, I-':'H=--"""'-A"'-'~-"""""l:~ Giu~ita-r.-:-:--:Mi-ntc-o-n-d~- roommates to share large furnished inSummer'84. Thereafter the lease is 1-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ lristopiler. ition. 6 months old. Asking $190.00. apartment (Waterloo Towers, very yours if desired. Rent: $750/ month Typing. 80c / page IB M Selectric, Iventure '84: -4 month cycleCase included, Phone 893-3152. close)$140/ month, Call746-1219. & utilties. Two minute walk to carbon ribbon, grammar I spelling corrections, paper provided, symmping trl pin U.S .A. See the sights! 1------------::::::=::::::::t-"1Tr~wo;_,;rr; sin;r,;gle:-;r~o;Co:-;;m~s;-:a;-;iV;;Jiail~abbkle::-.W Wilr;;n;!,te;-;r1 Waterloo Square, Zehrs, Laundry bol/ italics available; work term Services ~1' ~ term. For quiet non-smoking males facilities. 20 minute walk to campus. Jprox. $2400. For more informatreports, theses, essays. 579-5513 1 write to Chris Walker, 3253 "~ in large furnished townhouse. BlueCall Dave,.Iohn.Duaneat743-6636. evenings. Downtown Kitchener loynn Cr.. Mississauga, Ont. L5C Sh' t (J fi valeSt.N.$140/monthinci. -r~~n"& Summer '84. Settle your ~4 la su apanese mger /-,1 "~~Ul ~v- Vl"~ cation. . massage). For headaches, tension, utilities. 886-0296. housing now. Two bedroom, new





ho says Physics is boring? Ask backaches,stomach/intestinalprob·rOOnn;J=ee!.ijj(jrms1[bi;lpe:pp.eeir;so~nnt;to)7lshua~reevtwwooi apt., in Kitchener, 15 min. bike/IO ......- - - - - - - - - - - - ,m or Cathy. Is there any truth to lems, menstrual cramps. Student bedroom furnished townhouse with min. bus ride, quiet top floor -, Typing: Essays, publications etc. : rumours, do they smoke in bed? rates. Call C. Peck at 884-6607. one male. Next to universitv on balcony, near all amenities. Furnish- Theses, group projects, engineering/ KDJ . I--------.....,.---,--,...-~ • ed or otherwise. $419/month in- technical/accounting papers welSantaSul·tsforRent. A.. +h~_+;~ ~lAth Cedarbrae. $ 150/ month 746-1573 , , . U l " ' . l 1 ..... ,~.~'H . 8 cludes utilities& parking. 742-2733. come. Reasonable rates. Discounts Ibby A(Chem r ng2B): Happy21 ,,+ $25/ night. Reserve Now, 147_':"141'\ lateevellings or a.m. ... ' L •• " for large papers. Phone .Joan, 884·thday & 16 days! Belatedly in after 5:00. ~A~pa~rtm-en-,.:'t!--:-:-Mal-:y------:-AU-gUs-t=-:'84-l.-----~""''''--------t 3937 morning or evening. ndage, Suzanne (a.k.a. Leather ......-W-il-I-d-o-I-ig-h-t-m-o-v-in-g-w-it-h-a-sm--lall Close to downtown Kitchener. 30 Wanted _______ oman). truck. Also rubbish removal. Call minute walk to U ofW,1O minutes by Experienced typist ___ essays, work Jeff88~-2831. bike. Rent negotiable! No utilities Roommate(s): from January onreports, etc. Fast. accurate work. leatresports Workshop! On Suny, December II, from I:30 to 8:00 paid. Furnished or not. Cal! 745wards to share furnished two Reasonable rates. IBM Selectric. Shiatsu(Japanese Acupressure Mas- 7416. bedroom apartment on Erb near Lakeshore Village. Near SunnydaJe. n., with a dinner break, in H H 180. ,e topic will be: Building Scenes. sage). - Give the pleasures and'Jirn;:;;;;-;;;,;;n;iili:-:=-Ta 1~-;;-ft~'~SlA-in:fti Westmount. Warm, friendly per- Call885-1863. benefits of Shiatsu to c,)rJneonell Room '''A''_U'~ .,,,... U'T d d 1St: $2.00 for Feds, $2.50 for others, J' R b' d T h . h two son(5) who Love(s) cats nee e . .. ~:1 0 lllWOO. 0 S are Wit spec ial. Gift certificates now a·HauStaff. student, grad or Fasser 1-_______......._ _ _ __ fU made me realize I wasn't as able. P. Henderson, 885-0622. females, rent is $127.00/ month plus we1come.886-2967. 25 years experience; 65¢ double ppy, As I had believed I was, If utilities. Female, non-smoker prespaced page; Westmount area; Call Iy you could imagine the turmoil 1-----------e--7~?---.r-I7 ferred.CaII886-4029. required to take game 743-3342. o g ..V~il9h'" .. f or t he Varsl't y Hoc key Housm u created, In my heart and mind, ------_~ _" I-~--::::--:----:--::---:--~~~ For Rent __ M, -August '84. 5 statistiCs [. I must wear a mas'k and I wear I't team. For more information contact bedroom house, located near Eaton's II. For you will leave and I will Live beside campus in Married downtown Kitchener. S636/month Jack Birch at ext. 2635 or Jim r:---:::::'lS7.z:::::::::------y. Be careful. I care. Students from May to August '84. & utilities. Call 745-8003. Broughtonat885-5766. Lost ~ u-:-:.-=-I...~:'~:-;-:i::i Completely furnished for 2 students. t--::::-:---:-----:;-~-:--__:---:-_t-A-::~I·=:t:;:· =:-:f<::-::::::-t ::(=:-::=i:1 :::'"i-::'::':'=-~:J,~:...-----'y Dope . . • nav" a U",,,UlUUI Clean luxury 3 bedroom home to PP lea Ions or par - ime emp oyRent S287/ month. Call Jim 884ment in the Campus Centre for the TI S8 Calculator in black case. umbl'a and a warm wI·nter'....·[he 3179 share for winter term with two other llazinll Artsie. . students. Partially furnished. Chuposition of Turnkey will be accepted Desperately needed for exams. ledication to Le Gang: Here's to Want a hassle-free winter work-term rchill St., 15 min. walk from campus. from January 2nd, 1984 to January $SREWARD$$ Call Howard 745.Ill saws, funch, VLOW, the in Toronto? Live at Ewart College, $150/month plus utilities. Upper 6th, 1984. All applications must be 7494 anytime. right on U of T campus at Bloor and year student preferred. 884-3499. submitted to the Turnkey Desk by 6 ......O-n-e-be-i.::.g-e-bl-a-c-k-&-W-h-i-te-s-iJ-k-s-ca-r-f-'o-8-t ight's of the Round Table, lises, Dining at Chez Laura's, St. George. $92/week{louble lCllll1~rla,-,t-.".."._ _~_~~-:--_ _-:--_ _-t p.m. on January 6th, 1984. in AL 116 around Nov. 15. Iffound, och (mouthwash), "blokes", kaiing meals. Contact Miss Adamson May - Aug. '84. NIce townhouse at '---------.-----~ please return to Anne-Marie 746, at noon. We got ours last (Dean),979-2501. 80 Churchill Street. 1 and a half Ride r__4-_A 1948. Sentimental value. Small ~rsday, "VI V", shackingupat54, bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, washer, ;01 reward. ,e Hawaiians and Pinus, detours, One s!ngle room for female. Avail- dryer and carport. Suitable for four To Ottawa, on Sunday, Deeember I T trumen t s 58C ca Icu Ia t or. able Jan. - April '84. Close to st ud en t s. 20 m'm, wa Ik from campus. ndles do something for me!", tieexasins 18. Will s~e gas. Call Jonathan Missing since Nov. 3.lffound,please campus. Less than ten minutes. Call $515 monthly. Call 884-8786. 746-1874, $150/ month, utilities in- ~....,.,--..."...,~---,---:-:--:---:---t 884-4057. V call Jeffat 746-1 122. Reward offered. )wlight--·MerrYX~masmy love! eluded. Ottawa. Student wanted to share t-:r:::~::U:=:7;;::;::::;;;:n:::;::::rn::-;;::-~:::---:-~---:--:---=-50SLwrappedonthe24thwithan townhouse in Nepean. Near BNR, T ;,:,uclDury,Ontano.DesiredDaie: Glasses in brown vinyl case. Brown Irmously elegant gold bow? ___ not G.........., or Post Graduate student Northern Telecom, M itel. Contact Dec. 17 (after 12 noon). Please call: plastic rims with plastic lenses. Lost -- non-smoker, to share townhouse. Heather ext. 3813 or 884-8164 or Tony (884-5633). Will provide finan- in October. Please phone Tom with ; year. How about me, wrapped in anta Suite, nude. Flaming Love Walking distance to university. For Mark, 6 13-828-4062. cial assistance, reward, etc. information at 885-6476. Reward. January I --$180/monthCaIIBerta~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Season, Your Place. O.K. 578-5540, or884-10 15after 5 p.m. Furnished room forRentin KitchenForS a.m. to April, From Km:l1encr Lost: Woman's Seiko Quartz watch Watcrloo to Hamilton. Monday to with engraving. Of great sentimental rever Starflake. er home: Winter term. $150/ month; Married ~.. , two bedrooms: I non-smoker preferred. Phone 743Friday. Willing to share gas & value. Iffound. please call 746-1248 . the people of912 tea totaJlers you minute walk to campus! Fourth year 3045 evenings. 894-2231 ext. 276 driving. PhoneJoe576 ..2893. R "''''!<IrA •w. ~ho you are, Good luck on






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1135 Victoria St. N. Kitchener,Ont. N3B3C8 578-9370


fjpOU f!XJf;

Gourmet Six Ounce Burgers Done To Your Individual Taste

Variety of salads with spinach or lettuce, each completely different. Stuffed veal cutlets - Fresh baked quiche Exotic foot -long hot dogs

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Imprints volume 6 issue 21

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