Is your heart made of steel?” noontime, one of the men told me that there was a telephone Hey! What the hell is this? Miss South 1902 was yelling call for me. You’ll never guess who it was-the wife. about my cold-bloodedness. “George, you left me all alone with my dying Aunt and “What am 1 supposed to do? Run my hand over her head never said a word.” and tell her she’s cured?” 1 shouted. “Yes, 1 did,” 1 corrected her. “1 told you to go to hell.” “George,” she began again, “my only aunt is dying and “How could 1 have married such a rotten excuse of a man!” you’re not doing a damn thing. Nothing! Nothing!” she shouted back over the wire. Then suddenly, “George, Aunt “Do you want me to help her drop dead?” 1 jokingly asked Jennifer is dead.” the wife. I couldn’t believe it. “How-when did it happen? How?” I I guess that 1 shouldn’t have said that because the wife was excited, to think that the old wretch could really die. really exploded. “It happened after you left,” the wife began, her voice in “You louse! You no good animal, I hate you. Go on, get tears. “After Jebb, Clem, and I had gone to bed. Aunt Jennifer out of this house! I’ll take care of Auntie,” she yelled. “Your must have gotten up to feed the cat. I heard a scream, so I got tongue should fall off,” she added. up and ran to the kitchen, and there she was on the floor.” What the hell was I doing wrong? Tell me, what the hell in “Where? Where?” I anxiously asked her. this confused, abused, misused, and evil-oh, the evils of “On the floor next to the stove. She hit her head on the hell!—world was I doing wrong? How could I help the old iron stove when she fell over the cat’s dish. O George, I tried lady? to help her, but it was too late. She never regained—George, I “Honey,” I said softly to my lovely wife. “Go to hell, you have to go. Please come up as soon as you can.” and your smelly aunt. ” While she was ranting and raving, I slipped out of the house, So, that’s how it happened. The old lady flipped her lid, I got into the car, and drove back to Nashville. When I got guess you could say. I finished work that Monday and drove home, the telephone was already ringing, but I ignored it. I back up to Podunk Heights. When I got there, the wife was knew it was the wife. crying. Big Clem was crying, Little Jebb was crying, and even It was now too late to watch television or read the paper; so the dirty old cat was whimpering. After I patted all the criers 1 took a warm bath and climbed into bed. Ah, yes; rest, the on their backs, 1 went back to the car and pulled the sweet salt of labor. newspaper that I had failed to read the day before. 1 found a The next morning I got up, had breakfast, and went to nice shade tree in the backyard and sat down under it. I turned work. It was so beautiful: the only time 1 could get away from to page 7 and began to read the obituaries, and thought of that nagging, yet cultured, wife of mine. However, at Aunt Jennifer resting peacefully in the county morgue. Phoenix:
Spring 1970
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