Yak Magazine // August 2016
MASS DEBATE // MASTURBATION Georgia Mueck and Shanaya Paech have a serious debate on masturbation. Shanaya Paech // PROS
Georgia Mueck // CONS
“Go fu*k yourself”: a backwards insult at most, however, maybe you should do just that. After all, masturbation is the epitome of self love and the root of indulgence. So why is it that having a little ‘me time’ is so darn great for you? Firstly, it captures the imagination, whether that is with what you use or what you think about. Things can tend to get quite inventive in the search for the ultimate orgasm (we have all seen American Pie, so I’m sure you know what I mean).
You will definitely go blind from masturbation. Definitely. I’m pretty sure masturbation is the number one cause of blindness in people who go blind from masturbating. There are so many cons to masturbation. Gosh, just so many. So, so, so many. There are a lot. And they are all very serious and very scientific.
Masturbation is a fabulous way to explore your body to figure out what you like and how you like it. It also makes it a lot easier to express what feels good to your partner when you can understand your own body. In fact, many women first learn to orgasm through masturbation. Science can also agree that masturbation is great. Masturbating regularly helps produce fresher sperm, decreases risk of particular cancers and reduces stress. It has also been said that orgasms can take away the symptoms of body aches and migraines. So why not jump on the band (or should I say ‘hand’) wagon and give yourself some lovin’?
“Masturbation is a fabulous way to explore your body to figure out what you like and how you like it.” Of course, one of the best parts of masturbation is the big ‘O’. Why deprive yourself of such a human experience; embrace the tingles leading up to that magical burst no one can seem to describe, and get those endorphins pumping through you. If the morning time slot suits you better, what a great way to start the day. And if night time is more your thing, well let’s just say you won’t be having to count sheep, so ditch the coffee and sleeping pill. Just masturbate! Rest assured, you will not go blind from a good ol’ fashioned jerk-off or double clicking of the mouse.
“Why would anyone want to experience an orgasm when you could just lie down, curl up into the foetal position, and let the existential terror of the endless infinity of the universe crush you.” For example, if you masturbate, there is the possibility (not really) that you will grow hair on your palms (you won’t). Then everyone will know that you masturbate (most people masturbate), and you will probably even get your palm hair in your food (I really hope not). No one wants palm hair in their food (this is true), so that’s definitely a con of masturbation. Another downside to masturbation is the eventual climax. Orgasms are the worst. Why would anyone want to experience an orgasm when you could just lie down, curl up into the foetal position, and let the existential terror of the endless infinity of the universe crush you. Also, it is really hard to eat food while masturbating. You could probably only eat food that requires one hand, like Vita-Weats. If you’re a chronic masturbator, and you’re only eating Vita-Weats, you could become malnourished. Probably best to keep those hands free for feeding your body a nutritious diet. Finally, if you have thus far been unconvinced, then let’s face the real facts. Masturbation has been linked to DEATH. That’s right, folks. It has been proven that 100 per cent of people who masturbate will DIE. I hope you can now see the validity and utter truthfulness and factualness of my argument.
Designed by Breanna Yates
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