UV November 2011 by Cary Ferguson

ultravires.ca NOVEMBER 23, 2011

ULTRA VIRES

DIVERSIONS

U of T Law Fashion Crimes

Our school’s most brutal fashion offenders (Yes, Matt Brown is in here)

By Za Fazon Policia (2L)

e have noticed that law students typically find themselves falling into a number of fashion categories. If this isn’t one of you: kudos, you weren’t interesting enough for us to categorize. 1: The Ultra-Hipster Only a few law students in this category. They are identifiable by their awkward clothing and mixture of styles. Some of these factors, though not dispositive, form a contextual matrix on which to determine Ultra-Hipster status: hammer pants that went out of style before they were ever in style, a t shirt that looks like something a value village pirate would wear and an asymmetrical haircut. Example: 3L Robert Kitz 2: The Quasi-Hipster These people adopt one or more of the hipster contextual factors without reaching status of full blown hipsteritis. A good number of law students are fitting in to this category. Some hipster factors include:  the black-framed glasses that are thicker than their jeans  the haircut -- it will usually look either asymmetrical or like rapping justin bieber’s haircut.  the vee-neck and toms

 the skinny jeans  year round participation in Movember -- here’s a hint: it’s called Movember because you do it for one month. Please start practicing proper hygiene. 3: The Bay Street Boardroom Hopeful These individuals wear dress shirts, slacks, dress shoes and/or suits to school. They typically are clean shaven. They are always trying too hard. There is a tendency to find correlation between members of this category and members of the Conservative Party Club. You can dress the part when you actually have to follow a Bay Street dress code. Until then, tone down the “trying too hard factor”. Bay Street can smell your desperation. Caveat: they could be working for DLS, in which case, you are not only exempt, you are commended for your actual humanity, a quality lacking in many of us. 4: Board Game Club Look This is usually pretty self-explanatory. They clearly did not read our debut column, in which polo shirts were declared OUT. Just being nerdy doesn’t count anymore, because everyone in law school is a nerd and nerds are in. This look is more aptly known as aggressively unfashionable. If you look like your mom would be incredibly proud of this look for your Grade 6 school photo, you are doing it right (aka doing it wrong).

5: The Always Somehow On the Way To or Back From the Gym These healthy individuals will typically be sporting basketball shorts, a second bag, and a slick sheen of sweat. They usually wear t-shirts, or that weird sweater + shorts combo that’s in when it gets cold. Look for them to either be wearing well used running shoes, or carrying them around conspicuously so everyone knows how health conscious they are. Examples: Colin Cameron-Vendrig and Cary Ferguson. (We’re secretly jealous of your dedication to fitness). 6: Exam Season This will surely be a popular look in the coming weeks as students start to realize that our entire future lives are based on a few short hours of exam and/or paper writing. This look is characterized by sweatpants, no make up (guys, we notice when you stop wearing your bronzer), a lack of shaving, coffee stains, and streaks of dried tears. We sympathize and we will be joining you in your shame. The smell of stress lies thickly upon this group also known as sacrificing personal hygiene for extra 15 minutes with that treatise. 7: Matt Brown update Still looks like a strung out junkie justin Bieber, just with at slightly more OCI-inspired haircut. Yes, it’s pretty damn depressing. Dear Dr. Valencia, If the recruiting lawyer snuck out and left money on the dresser the next morning, is that taxable as a signing bonus? - Ashley Extra-Mile

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Dear Ashley, I should start by mentioning that I am not a lawyer, and this is not legal advice. Unless you were left a really significant amount of money, don’t deposit it and don’t mention it. If it is discovered you may find yourself in a bad place. Obviously if you don’t work for that firm it most certainly couldn’t be considered a signing bonus, as you never signed. The only way trouble will come about is if it is assessed as income from a business by the Minister in an audit. If there is no paper trail you should be fine. There is nothing more damaging to your reputation than having a public official call you a whore on the record. In No. 275 v. MNR (1955) the court described the taxpayer who was claiming that her income from prostitution was non-taxable, as “sordid and contemptible”. Obviously I find your actions savvy and commendable, and I’d hate for you to face the same verbal beat-down as Ms. 275, especially since you will no longer have the luxury of a number assigned to cover your name. Spend that money ASAP. I would recommend doing something completely frivolous with it. Go buy yourself a ridiculous hat and go to the horse track to blow that cash on mint juleps and trifectas. Buy yourself a new handbag or an eight-ball of blow for all I care. Just don’t deposit it. - Dr. Valencia

Ask Doctor Valencia

Dr. Valencia has a Phd. In relationship studies from the University of Rangoon. He has been given the annual Dr. Ruth prize for achievement in relationship counseling seven times in his six year career. He is recently divorced. If you are looking for relationship advice, please write Dr. Valencia at ultra.vires@utoronto.ca Dear Dr. Valencia, Before law school started, I had a great relationship with my girlfriend. Now that I’m in 1L, however, she complains that all I talk about is case law & law reform, and that I’ve lost my capacity for normal human interaction. So my question is, where can I find a new girlfriend? - Totally well-adjusted 1L Dear Totally well-adjusted 1L, Be a good man and cut that poor girl loose immediately. There is nothing worse than having to talk with some jerkoff and all they want to do is huff and puff about case law. God that is like talking to republicans brutal! Being stuck dealing with social ineptitude, thinly-veiled by a crappy attempt at pretending to be genius is simply unbearable. In fact if you ever see the good Doctor out and about, I will kill myself immediately upon hearing the words “law reform” mentioned. I hope you never find a girlfriend that is capable of carrying on a meaningful discussion with you, because I fear for the cocktail party that must deal with whatever you may spawn. Thus I recommend you go the opposite route and find a girlfriend that is too devoid of cognizance to realize you are speaking English. I’m thinking you’ll be able to find this person in a faculty meeting, possibly on the Admin Law roster. Or at one of the Occupy protests in Canada. After reading the last edition of Ultra Vires, any one of the editorial staff will also suffice. Actually, upon further review, I’m going to refer you to a colleague of mine, Dr. Kevorkian. - Dr. Valencia