Intersections: Issue 1

UNSW PEOPLE OF COLOUR COLLECTIVE

INTERSECTIONS ISSUE 1 2020

Daniel Dang

UNSWPOC.COM

We acknowledge that we live, gather and learn on land that was violently stolen from First Nations people by European settlers. Australia’s history is rooted in colonialism and genocide that sought to erase the richest and longest-living culture in the world. This violence continues to this day as First Nations people are mass incarcerated, brutally murdered by colonial institutions and vilified for demanding equality and justice.

As refugees and immigrants, we pay respect to the Gadigal and Bidjigal people of the Eora nation on whose land UNSW stands. We also stand in solidarity with First Nations people in their fight to reclaim sovereignty.

Australia has a Blak history and it is our responsibility to learn the truth.

This always was, and will always be Aboriginal land.

SUPPORT SERVICES This zine is not a comprehensive medical resource but a collection of creative pieces and general information dedicated to sparking conversations around mental health in communities of colour. For those who require professional help, we recommend seeing your GP or contacting one of the organisatons below. All helplines are confidential and available 24/7 unless stated otherwise.

Lifeline Australia https://www.lifeline.org.au/ Phone: 13 11 14 Textback Service: 0477 13 11 14 (12pm-midnight) Beyond Blue Phone: 1300 22 4636 Online chat service: https://online.beyondblue.org.au/#/chat/start NSW Mental Health Line Phone: 1800 011 511 Translators available upon request Suicide Call Back Service Phone: 1300 659 467 Kids Helpline (for 5-25 years) Phone: 1800 55 1800 1800 Respect (for domestic violence) Phone: 1800 737 732

CONTENTS Foreword Why is the PoC experience of mental health different?

ALSA All Smiles Generation Trauma So Much To Tell You Self-Care Tips from the UNSW PoC Collective Honey Burn Fight or Flight Cherished Proud of You Mind Mechanics UNSW Survival Guide Resources

1 3 5 6 7 9 11 13 14 15 17 19 20 21

FOREWORD C/W: mentions of self-harm, child abuse As a young girl growing up in a conservative Chinese family, I was raised to be sceptical about the concept of mental health and the very idea that one could even be mental ill despite the constant displays of it running through my family. Even though I saw signs of self harm in the adults in my family, saw my young cousin who barely ate and stayed in his room all day until he eventually ran away, even though I saw myself coming home to feel nothing yet empty, I could not fully grapple with any of these things.

I had internalised abusive behaviour I thought was normal and acceptable, and ruthlessly mocked others as being ‘white’ for rejecting our culture’s teachings (in my early teenage years, there were too many moments when I jeered "you think beating your child is bad? that's so white"). Eventually that line of thinking led me into depression and a pervasive shame that continues even today; shame at needing therapy and of suffering from depression. Even now I lie to people when they ask why I went to the doctors; even now I struggle to talk openly about feeling depressed even with those close to me.

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It’s only now in hindsight that I feel regret, sympathy and sadness at the broken down lives from the circumstances that hurt all of us. I am thankful I was able to escape that toxic and contemptuous mindset from the help of my friends with similar upbringings as people from immigrant PoC backgrounds.

Without us all sharing our stories, offering sympathy and support to each other, I could have never learnt to grow and look at those suffering (even myself) with kindness and love. That’s why I wanted to create this zine, why it’s so important to me; because everyone needs a helping hand, to know they are not alone in their struggles. It’s my sincerest wish for even just one person to read this zine and begin to understand and unpack their trauma.

JESSICA HUANG

C/W: mentions of domestic violence, racism If you ask my loved ones, I am notorious for being reckless when it comes to my mental health. I pride myself on my evolving mental health literacy and my ability to be a resilient pillar of support for those I hold dear. However, I struggle to channel that energy back to where it is needed most.

Having grown-up in a South-East Asian family, mental illness crept in the shadows. I heard it exchanged in hushed voices under the roofs of aunties seeking refuge from entitled men. It was concealed in stories of racial abuse moulded into comedic anecdotes and a hopeless search for a place to call. Conversations laced with resignation and trauma discarded like shattered glass introduced me to a culture that internalised our struggles through a misguided sense of strength.

We often talk about how difficult it is to start conversations around mental health. However, I found being able to have these conversations with myself was the biggest struggle. I grew up with internalised misconstrued ideas of resilience and made my terrifying experiences with anxiety my norm.

It took several health scares this year, and the persistence of my partner

and a dear friend for me to accept that I needed help. Although, I still have a long way to go as I learn to take care of myself better.

We created this zine to be a safe space for PoC to reflect, find solidarity and exist without the burden of being hyper aware or making ourselves palatable. Mental health is overwhelming and terrifying and contentious. But these conversations must be had and there are safe spaces for PoC to have them in, including this one.

So, to those who struggle in silence – I hope this curiously curated collection resonates with you. And to those who have shown me to be vulnerable is to experience one of the purest forms of love and respect - thank you.

DORENE SHANKARAN

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WHY IS THE POC EXPERIENCE OF MENTAL HEALTH DIFFERENT? C/W: mentions of various types of abuse.

Stigma Within PoC Communities

Gaslighting

In a lot of PoC cultures, mental health is still not a concept understood or respected by more conservative cultures. Hence mental illnesses like depression is dismissed as weakness or even laziness, and anxiety disorders are disregarded as overreacting.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that’s seen in abusive relationships; it’s the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them.

Ultimately these dismissals of mental health can be summed up as a general inability to listen and respect other members of their communities. What can exacerbate this issue is in a lot of cultures, there’s a general obsession with the concept of ‘saving face’ [maintaining one's social standing, reputation, and honour]. Because mental issues is seen as shameful and since these communities are so obsessed with preserving an outward appearance, the need to hide mental health issues becomes more urgent and desperate. As a result, a vicious cycle forms and their mental health suffers even more.

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It occurs when our struggles with mental heath are dismissed as ‘weakness’ or ‘overreacting’ by our family, when our parents minimise their abusive behaviours towards us and attempt to tell us we are wrong or it didn’t happen. It’s important to recognise gaslighting when it occurs and to trust your own memory and feelings and don’t let anyone invalidate how you feel or what you remember.

WHY IS THE POC EXPERIENCE OF MENTAL HEALTH DIFFERENT? Cultural Identity Crisis

Intergenerational Trauma

PoC in Western societies often struggle with the experience of feeling like they do not fully belong in either their family’s culture nor in the Western white society they live in. They instead exist in a void flitting between both cultures but never truly settling in one culture, which is a lonely existence; to never truly belong and feel at home.

Historical trauma resulting from colonialism and genocide are handed down from generation to generation, adversely affecting the identities and experiences of PoC. This has eroded cultures, dispossessed them of their lands and forced them to migrate to places that demand they relinquish their identities to survive.

Inevitably, this can have an adverse impact on one’s mental health especially without a strong support network able to relate and empathise with this experience.

These experiences place excessive stress on PoC, forcing them into a constant state of fight or flight.

Because of this, many grow up with emotionally detached parents who demand perfection in a world that vilifies PoC for being anything less.

This fuels abusive behaviour within communities of colour. Paired with institutional racism and the persistent search for identity, PoC are inherently vulnerable to mental health issues.

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ALSA For the 3,200,000 Australians battling, transitioning, or lost to mental illness.

You are held dear in my thoughts.

In the nursery, you hid behind pink patterned walls.

And when a sigh left my lips, you cradled me – cold, a godforsaken shawl.

As moons phased, in and out phases of quiescence, your silhouette would dawn over innocent heavens.

The twilight of my youth.

Stronger then, you claimed everything, everything under the stars and soft soil, planting seeds of fear that other voices no less inspired, have followed; and then blossomed, whispering to me: (“Weak. Never good enough”) Ghostly hands, pressed me back.

Back in my head I riddled, yet never rid of Thoughts.

For he was far worse than you.

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At home, cultural indoctrination, heavy hands branding us with routine education.

My mama mused, often a social maxim, “look at how well s/he is doing…”

Silence.

She did not know how you felt, and even if she tried, she could not tend to wounds that could never be reached.

My papa mused, often an age old address, “how are you?”

Silence.

Once more, a sigh left my lips.

Anonymous

All Smiles

What cannot be said will be wept.

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G e n e r a t i o n

T r a u m a

C/W: warfare, violence, blood In the small living room, air heavy with rings of cigarette smoke, Grandpa tells me he remembers the black troops with their long rifles, artillery hammering his door with vengeance, the song of a wailing siren, come to signal the fall of a drowning man.

The shrapnel of memory cuts into his skin, carving the ghost of a city until drops of blood pearl at the slit.

He gets lost again back in Saigon, staring down the barrel of a gun he can never escape.

My father follows him into the abyss, smoke curling to the ceiling in spirals.

Father chimes in as he remembers a young boy no older than four, his frantic footsteps as they pounded past ragdoll bodies slumped on the chaotic streets.

The sight of a boat promises a new life taking him and his family away only to leave scars in its wake.

He inherits the war from Grandpa in his veins, carries the same bullet holes on his skin and bones, from the shell of a man who locks his secrets inside like a message in a bottle – forever lost and never to be opened.

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The smoke envelops the room, a warm whisper against downcast faces.

I tell my own story as I remember the ocean of anguish they passed onto me, the wounds of another life that could not be forgotten, from one grandparent to parent to son.

The clash of swords drawn when Eastern and Western ideals pitted themselves against one another, ringing with the seething steel of dominance.

The whiplash of their words flaying my skin, lips opening fire on a chosen path not their own, tears of trauma colliding against bottled dreams.

In the small living room, we sit and heal, a generation connected by boundless pain.

Lindy Ung

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So Much to Tell You Anonymous

C/W: mentions of child abuse There is so much I want to tell you But how do I even begin? How would you even take it? How can I say the words I want to say so that you understand?

At our best times, I wish that I could hug you and say to you I love you.

But in our culture, in our family that’s just not how things are. At our worst times, I want to scream at you and hurt you back by telling you how much you’ve hurt me. Instead I say nothing, go back to my room, rage and cry; that’s the way our culture is so that’s how our family is.

When I was depressed, when I felt worthless and tired and defeated and stayed home all day hating

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myself, you called me lazy. You argued with me constantly, you belittled me and only made me feel worse. There was so much I wanted to say; there was so much I wanted you to understand. Why can’t you give me a little bit of sympathy? Why can’t you support me?

I know you were raised like that too; I know your parents treated you worse, I know they loved your brother more than you, I know your life is infinitely harder than mine. I know it’s not really your fault you treat me like this and you did the best you could. But even with all that knowledge, it still hurts when you treat me the way you do.

I wish I didn’t but I still cry when you do this. I thought I’m stronger now, I thought I’m colder now. You were the one who made me these things. You were the one who made me able to detach myself and hold my tears back. But you still break me even now.

I wish we could have a mother daughter relationship like the ones we saw on television, like the ones my friends tell me about. But that’s not how our culture is, that’s not how your mother raised you.

It’s hard to hate you when I told you I liked the peaches you brought home and the next day you bought me an entire tray of them. But it's hard to love you when in your worst moment you told me you wish you strangled me as a baby. But I think I still do love you (even if it’s hard to tell a lot of times).

And I think you also love me (even if sometimes I think you don’t know how to). Maybe one day when circumstances are better, life a little easier, things will change (you will change) and I can say to you all the things I want to tell you. Not tomorrow but maybe one day? Maybe one day.

One day.

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TIPS

Self-

FROM

MEMBERS

Binge eat KFC and watch trashy tv shows like Glee!

- Jessica

I love hiking and just escaping into the wilderness!

- Dorene Looking at cute kittens!

Either cat memes or bonus points if you have a pet cat.

- CJ 11

OF

Care OUR

POC

COLLECTIVE

I draw and paint. I also sometimes just cry.

Crying it out feels good sometimes.

- Nafisa

I listen to podcasts whilst doing chores or journal!

- Peoly

Sometimes I do my makeup and dress very pretty only to never leave my home because only I (and possibly instagram) deserve to see it.

- Lungol 12

Honey Burn Soulful kids kick and scream, charmed within their adult bodies inhaling smoke-swell prayers in praise of the earth that they thought they knew privy to a house-shaped divinity.

Opportunists getting by battled by a faded liquor, rising in the morning let down by what they were mourning bending every reason to exist.

Savouring small grace grins crossed out every week, pinched either side by spires spindly stigmata, never seeing again an acumen amen to save face.

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Hazel home siphoning the taste of my lips, ego gone varnished for the celestial arbiter arguing whether I should vanish drummed by sure-fire desire.

Heartfelt retreat, hard felled by a charitable congregation, hymnal beats and ancient sounds waxed into ears. I’ll stand solemn fighting to be the one we hate.

Cruel matchstick gold drip honey-burned belief.

Pending whether I’m here slow slip queer leaked from the mouth that was an open door.

Anonymous

I’ll find haven away here in the ghost desert.

Seedling hunt under a dustbowl sun wastewater springs, all this to discover my power.

Not too late to turn back Thorny Devil laughs at my plans, ears already licked by hot air.

Spot an unmarked junker for a night gas empty, worn from a rat race.

It was hard to walk away so I bided time for a dune song.

Roots like wicks burning in reverse collecting cheap fatty votives that will not last forever.

Cost of this living is low days scorching through, telling me that’s okay.

Another sunset melts but there’s a transient green flash!

Now I’m running banshee blistered, wailing red ochre stained clothes; crimson prairie spirit vanishing as the song of the sand drifts.

Distant emerald spark for a moment, the world splits.

Pinched by mortal reminder solar disk burning me up caught in the ruins of fear and hope.

ANONYMOUS

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Cherished C/W: PTSD, depression

7.2% of Australians will have a lifetime prevalence of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Higher rates of PTSD are commonly associated with experiences of sexual and domestic violence, severe physical trauma, time in the defence forces and proximity to death. The Black Dog Institute identifies four main symptoms of PTSD – re-experiencing trauma, avoiding known triggers, negative changes in thoughts and mood after the trauma and feeling constantly ‘on edge’ and overly aroused.

However, in loving my partner I discovered a fifth.

Sinta was diagnosed with depression with an alleged association with PTSD earlier this year. With a traumatic childhood and a rapid decline in her mental health, this was no surprise but nonetheless terrifying.

I remember sitting in the waiting room at the GP, anxiously sifting through my limited mental health literacy at the time. It was my solace for a moment until Sinta walked out and headed straight for the reception hub. I hurriedly met her there and as

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I strode closer, a silent exchange confirmed what we both had suspected.

Sinta and I are both from South-East Asia and despite coming from two different countries, we’ve found a curious number of similarities; from our love of bitter melon to our natural resonance with the Earth to the stigmatisation of mental health.

Asian communities struggle to access reliable mental health literacy and support for a variety of reasons, enabling a toxic culture to fester in our families. This doesn't bode well for PoC as the way we experience mental health is two-pronged.

Firstly, as refugees, immigrants, and the children of either, we navigate the intergenerational trauma of being dispossessed and our cultural heritage being lost in translation, all while trying to find home in places that vilify us. These struggles torment us further by manifesting through the emotionally detached ways our parents love us and the emptiness we feel when english becomes more innate than our mother tongue.

Secondly, the exertion of existing in a dying world with institutions that value profits over lives embeds us with a waning desire to live. This world does not take kindly to those who lucked out on privilege from the moment they were born.

We carry these cultural biases deep within, and the way they skew our versions of reality is terrifying. In addition to these biases, the way our brains function can turn us into our own worst enemies. Depression incites a nasty set of physiological responses including cortisol spikes, brain inflammation and hypoxia, all of which affect hormone regulation, memory and mood. This further fundamentally remaps who we are, making embarking on a mental health journey an incredibly daunting and exhausting act for PoC For Sinta, it was forgetting that she was loved that made me realise something had shifted and cemented itself within her. Coming from a culture that only validates pain in its physical manifestations, it’s difficult to find support when you need it most.

It is here where we learnt that the support systems we nurture are pivotal in sustaining us. This meant creating a family beyond our default one, a family that respected vulnerability and were active pillars in

our lives, whether that be through spontaneous dinners at Cabramatta or nostalgic drives chasing Christmas lights. The love our family stokes attentively has allowed us to gently coax Sinta into remembering that her life blooms beautifully in the laughter of our friends and the music she delicately weaves.

Loving someone with depression is hard, but it is nothing compared to the sheer energy it takes for them to rise everyday, whether it be with the sun or with the moon. And every moment she forgets what it means to be loved is another opportunity for me to show how much I truly cherish her.

Black Dog Institute, (2020), Post-traumatic stress disorder, accessed 11 November 2020, <https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resourcessupport/post-traumatic-stress-order/> Cirino E, (2017), The Effects of Depression on the Brain, healthline, accessed 11 November 2020, <https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/effec ts-brain#How-Does-Depression-Affect-the-Brain?> Cooper J, Metcalf O, A Phelps, (2014). ‘PTSD - an update for general practitioners’, Australian Family Physician, Vol. 43, No. 11, pp: 754-757.

Anonymous

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Proud of you PAULIN

Thankless nights up all alone Grateful for all you've done Late night talks up on the phone Thank you for holding on i. I'm proud of you And everything that you've been through For getting up Even though there’s no light at the window For breathing Under the conditions you were set to For existing in Wherever the wind took you I'm proud of you Even though you were never set to Succeed or success Nor did you have anyone to lean to I'm proud of you when everything was new You followed through I'm proud of you [Chorus] Even though there are no promises of gold You’ll still be looking to that old rainbow In the rain you’ll be standing while you let your tears fall In the rain you’ll be standing while the thunders they roll ii. I'm proud of you Of who you were back then and the current you There isn't a measure on what you can and cannot do What you need, should and have to do to be worth existing Your life isn't a measure of your achievements How you turn with the hand you were dealt with These expectations they are problems These expectations are between you and your creator You are blameless Thinking about what you could’ve done better

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What anyone could have done better Frustration on things that aren't in your control but I'm just glad to have met you I love your worldview In the silence and in the center In between the tears and the banter Wherever this life takes you I love you I'm proud of you [Chorus] iii. I know you're going through changes Tryna muster the little strength you have To get through the daily Tryna get ready To give it your all You're emotionally on call To everyone who needs you But you don't owe nothing - there's no price on receiving love It's unlimited that shit don't ebb and flow Take as much as you need- And as much as you need to grow It's gonna take time but what is time for For believing in something even if it's yourself Brought forth from the highest shelf Existence larger than life itself Be proud of you Of the atoms that made you Of the life that breathed you Be proud of you God knows how much strength that took you Let your life be an ode to you [Chorus] Thankless nights up all alone Grateful for all you've done Late night talks up on the phone Thank you for holding on

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Mind Mechanics MAHA RAUF

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UNSW SURVIVAL GUIDE Embarking on your university adventure can be quite daunting.

However, there are many ways you can find community and support to make sure your time at UNSW nurtures who you are!

Joining Arc, UNSW's student life body, will give you access to welfare and legal support and a myriad of paid and unpaid opportunities such as editorial work, mental health support, charity programs and so much more at https://www.arc.unsw.edu.au/

With over 300 clubs and societies, it might take a while to find your perfect fit but there's something out there for everyone! (And if not, you can always create your own with Arc's support) Visit https://www.arc.unsw.edu.au/clubs for more info!

UNSW hosts an endless number of (mostly free) events throughout the year, from lectures to workshops to performances. These are great opportunities to nurture new interests, network and learn more about the world.

Check out https://www.events.unsw.edu.au/ for more info.

SRC collectives are safe spaces for connecting with those with similar lived experiences. They are also hubs for organising/activism on campus. These include PoC (us!), Queer, Women's, Indigenous and Students with Disabilities.

For more: https://www.arc.unsw.edu.au/voice/src/srcspaces

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Resources

UNSW Counselling and Psychological Services 02 9385 5418 counselling@unsw.edu.au Kensington Campus: Quadrangle Campus of Fine Arts and Design: G Block Room G106

Gender-specific psychologists and interpreters can be organised for you!

For all registered UNSW students, CAPS provides free, confidential counselling sessions with psychologists and psychologists in training. CAPS is equipped to deal with issues such as transitioning to university, exam stress, relationship issues, bereavement and a variety of mental health issues. Your situation does not need to be urgent to book a session. However, if it is an emergency CAPS will be able to organise a session as soon as possible.

UNSW Psychology Clinic 02 9385 3042 Kensington Campus: Matthews Level 8 http://clinic.psy.unsw.edu.au/ Staffed by clinical psychologist registrars and provisional psychologist undergoing supervised postgraduate training. This is not suitable for individuals that are in immediate crisis, or acutely suicidal.

UNSW Health Service 02 9385 5425 unihealth@unsw.edu.au Kensington Campus: Ground Floor, East Quadrangle Building

Services are available in Mandarin, French and Greek!

Health service provides medical services and advice for all UNSW students. This includes pathology, sexual health checks, mental health and specialist referrals and vaccinations. Free consultations are available to students who have a medicare card and bulk billing available for international students.

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Resources

UNSW Equitable Learning Services 02 8374 9201 els@unsw.edu.au https://student.unsw.edu.au/els

Formerly known as the Disability Support Unit!

ELS is a free, confidential service that provides practical support so your health condition does not adversely affect your studies. This includes students with disabilities, long term medical conditions and/or mental health conditions and those who are carers. ELS also provides aid in filing for special consideration and implementing educational adjustments for students.

International Student Experience Unit 02 9384 4734 https://student.unsw.edu.au/consult The ISEU provides support for international students through access to advisors and consultation sessions. Advisors assist students with issues such as adjusting to UNSW life, visa conditions, financial difficulties and accessing other support srvices, on campus and in Sydney. Further support can be found through Arc: https://www.arc.unsw.edu.au/help/international-support

Arc Wellness Warriors https://www.arc.unsw.edu.au/help/wellness/wellness-warriors Wellness Warriors are a group of student volunteers dedicated to destigmatising mental health and providing resources to nurture positive mental health at UNSW. They are a great place to volunteer and find support as well as provide support to other students. You'll find them around campus doing Random Acts of Kindness, pop-up events and facilitating Stress Less Week every semester. Also, check out Arc's facebook page for online discussion panels and workshops hosted by the team on a variety of mental healthrelated issues.

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Resources

For PoC

Transcultural Mental Health Centre https://www.dhi.health.nsw.gov.au/transcultural-mental-health-centre TMHC works with health professionals and communities across NSW to support positive mental health for PoC. This is a statewide service based within the Western Sydney Local Health District.

NSW Service for the Treatment and Rehabilitation of Torture and Trauma Survivors 02 9646 6710 https://www.startts.org.au/ STARTTS is a specialist, non-profit organisation that provides culturally relevant psychological treatment and support, and community interventions, to help people recover from torture and refugee trauma.

Embrace Multicultural Mental Health 02 6285 3100 multicultural@mhaustralia.org EMMH provides access to resources, services and information for PoC regarding mental health and suicide prevention.

One Door https://www.onedoor.org.au/ Bilingual Mental Health Support Service (Auburn) 02 8737 5566 One Door is a mental health organisation that provides numerous support services across Sydney. The BMHSS in Auburn specifically helps PoC to connect to relevant mental health services, providing nuanced and accessible support.

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Resources

For First Nations

Community Mental Health Centres https://www.slhd.nsw.gov.au/MentalHealth/services_Community.html Community Mental Health Centres provide a range of services to help individuals stay well, including a specialist Aboriginal Mental Health Team.

Centres are open 8:30am – 5:00pm. There are locations in Canterbury, Croydon, Camperdown, Marrickville, Redfern and more.

Aboriginal Counselling http://www.aboriginalcounsellingservices.com.au/ Aboriginal Counselling is 100% Aboriginal owned business that provides therapeutic counselling for families, individuals and communities within New South Wales.

Gallang Place https://www.gallangplace.org.au/ “We can provide a range of counselling, advocacy and support services that can help you live a healthier and happier life. Our counsellors can help with many issues and concerns that you may face – having a deep respect for your rights, culture, history and your community.”

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A bowl of fruit presented after an argument with our parents is seen as a peace offering by many people of colour. Regardless of how they may have treated us, the absence of an apology would linger as we ate silently from the bowl. The word 'sorry' does not have a natural place in their vocabulary. This is where we learn to find solace in odd acts of kindness as we grapple with a love lost in translation.