Fatal Fourway Best Non Sherlock Holmes TV detective
Need a mystery solved? Can’t afford Sherlock Holmes even though he’s in the public domain? Thankfully, the Fatal Fourway are on hand to give you some alternatives...
Adam West’s Batman Jack Walsh
Jessica Fletcher – Murder She Wrote Will Smith – I, Robot Laura Bell
The Scooby-Doo Gang Steven Balbirnie
Emily Longworth
Shark repellent Bat-spray. Four words in the English language that alone mean nothing. When combined and when drooled out of the mouth of the world’s greatest detective, they become the ultimate detective weapon. With Adam West as Batman, you are kept on the edge of your seat, while also left wondering if he is actually taking this seriously? Look into that man’s eyes; you never know what he’s going to do next. In terms of pure excitement factor, no detective hits harder than TV’s Batman. His punches cause physical descriptions to pop out of nowhere: Ka-Example! Compared to the competition on this page of anti-Sherlock detectives, he is bat-head, bat-shoulders, bat-knees, and bat-toes above the rest. Will Smith was cool in Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, but seeing him in I, Robot would have made Isaac Asimov repeatedly turn in his grave. Also, Adam West doesn’t need any robotic enhancements to improve his physique *taps chest* ‘Pure West.’ Jessica Fletcher may have been a solid choice, but did she have a fourteen-year-old in multi-coloured spandex follow her around? Holy inferiority Batman! Those meddling kids may have been hip, but I don’t remember them ever actually solving a mystery that couldn’t be solved in the opening scene. Those kids may have some slick moves, but nobody beats the Batman.
As much as I’d like to say that I didn’t pick Jessica Fletcher from Murder She Wrote as my candidate for this round of everybody’s favourite pop-cultural, faux-sexual newspaper column, I did in fact just pick her, because I have no taste. But who needs taste when you live in Cabot Cove, anyway? It’s the town that both fashion and logic forgot. In 14 years of the compelling mystery series, Cabot Cove raked up the highest murder rate per head of population in both real and fictional realms. At 1,490 murders per million, about 60% more murders take place in Cabot Cove under the watch of Jessica Fletcher than in Honduras, the actual murder capitol of the world. And in those 14 years, not a single stylish garment was worn. This is an incredible feat for any fictional detective, most of whom wouldn’t have to deal with the bi-monthly deaths of all their old friends, or at the very least, not without a swanky trenchcoat to sleuth around and/or grieve in. But not ol’ J. Fletch, dat bitch on the level, championing a solid philosophy of friends before trends, she ain’t nobody’s fool. Tune in to any channel on any day around noon for more.
If my choice of the Will Smith character in I, Robot, as the greatest detective of all time seems somewhat random, I advise you to google the terms “Will Smith shirtless.” The search results should clear up any confusion. And while you can trust that I indeed know that I’ve already won this argument, I’m going to carry on, driving my point home. It’s a Socratic method. Will Smith, or as he is adorably called here, Del Spooner, is a dangerously driving, robot-mistrusting angel on earth who is simply out to solve crime using, of course, his ultra cool robotic arm and irrepressible crime fighting instincts. Faced with a world of adversity and the possible loss of life and/or mechanised limb, Spooner stays cool. His name may imply cuddles, but his will is strong. If you’ve been thus far denied the sensually profound I, Robot experience, I have good news. If you simply leave your television tuned to Film4 for a week, you will mostly likely be given the opportunity to view this fine piece of cinematic art a minimum of 21 times, which is just about enough artificial intelligence to make Descartes roll right out of his robot-hating grave. In conclusion, I present you with the immortal words of this true noir hero. “This relationship just can’t work. I mean, you’re a cat, I’m black, and I’m not gonna be hurt again.”
Need a mystery solved? Why get only one detective when you can have the world’s most elite detective team on the case? Since 1969, Fred Jones, Daphne Blake, Velma Dinkley, Norville ‘Shaggy’ Rogers and Scooby-Doo have been at the cutting edge of their profession; while also spectacularly defying the aging process. With a dapper sense of fashion and a sweet van, these intrepid, perpetual teenagers have taken it on themselves to solve every supernatural crime they can find. A niche detective market perhaps, but they’re the best at what they do. Now maybe a lot of their detective work does seem to just boil down to profiling suspects, but even if all those creepy old men weren’t necessarily the perpetrators, aren’t we all safer thanks to the ScoobyDoo gang keeping them off our streets? Of course we are. The gang’s 100% record speaks for itself. Whether it’s a ghost clown or a wolf man, the gang always catches the criminal. Considering they’re a bunch of semi-stoned hippies and a talking Great Dane, they’re putting the police force to shame. If you think about it, they would’ve gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids.
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