Hookups From Hell

by CHLOE HECHTER and CHARLIE WEING graphics by ALI DIMOVA

I was hooking up with this guy I worked with for a while and he had been begging to finger me for the longest time, so I let him. He goes to stick them in and I’m not even kidding his nails were longer than mine. He scratched my insides so bad I was tearing up. Those things were claws. I made him stop immediately and had to drive him home (most awkward car ride of my life). I went into work the next day and he told them all it was the best hookup he’s ever had... CLAW MACHINE GUESS I’LL JUST PISS ON THE FLOOR This boy and I are pretty drunk and we end up going into a closet together. He’s sitting on a chair and I’m giving him...you know. A couple seconds later he says he has to pee, so I’m like alright whatever. He stands up in the closet, and starts peeing right next to me on the CARPETED FLOOR. He sits back down on the chair and says “okay you can keep going.” So I left immediately. I hate boys.

One night I was at a frat party with a guy I had been talking to. It was pouring rain outside but naturally, there was no other place in the house to hook up so we ended up outside on the balcony...in the rain. It had totally left my mind that I was on my period until he literally pulled out my tampon and flung it off the balcony. He then turned me around and said “so you still down?” Rumor has it that the tampon is still mummified in their lawn. Let me know if you find it during a darty. WANTED: MISSING TAMPON I had this girl over and we were hooking up for a while, and well she was doing her thing down there...I finished in her mouth and everything was great until she aggressively spit into my belly button, smiled after and said “that was hot”…I ran. My belly button will never be the same. LET’S HEAR WHAT THE GUYS HAVE TO SAY