30, 2014 4 | January Celebrations of Love
Strategized nuptials Planners talk shop about Hudson Valley weddings Lynn Woods
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ith its unspoiled rural beauty and river views, the Hudson Valley has become a hot wedding destination for well-heeled couples from the city. “The word is out for having your wedding up here,” said Jeanne Stark, owner of Hudson Valley Ceremonies, based in Rhinebeck. Rather than simply book a banquet hall, many couples are crafting their weddings from scratch and choosing a barn or other rural setting as the venue. That usually involves a lot more time, planning and money.
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istoric sites, such as Locust Grove and Montgomery Place, are popular, as well as more unusual destinations, such as the Millbrook Winery and Basilica Hudson – a former factory turned art performance center. Barn weddings are all the rage. In many cases the apparent simplicity of that folksy, downat-the-farm wedding is achieved only through elaborate behind-the-scenes planning, from the pig roast to the flowery archway – under which the newly betrothed couple passes – to the fireworks, to the hay bales and a whiskey bar. Some weddings held in the Hudson Valley are spectacular events with more than 200 guests. The cost ranges from $50,000 minimally and can exceed $100,000 – sometimes by a lot. Stark re-
called a wedding in Big Indian on New Year’s Eve that celebrated the stroke of midnight with Champagne and a surprise Brazilian samba band, which cost $50,000. Nowadays, “it’s very hard to throw a $10,000 wedding,” unless the couple is willing to settle for
less than 100 people in a no-frills banquet hall such as the Grand, located in downtown Poughkeepsie, said planner Danielle Defreest, of Every Little Detail Wedding & Event Planning in Red Hook. (If they can only spend $50 a head, they may have no choice but to book such a venue, she
Man versus wedding A guy’s take on the planning process Dan Barton
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efore I got engaged, I had a theory about weddings. They were almost totally about the bride. The groom’s role was simply to show up on time and look nice. Oh, ha ha. Like many theories I no longer hold, this one did not survive the collision with reality. Well, at least part of it – as far as I can tell at this point, a year into the planning and four months away from it actually happening, the wedding is almost totally about the bride. The part I messed up was the groom’s role. Yes, the groom must show up on time, and if he knows what is good for him and the future of his marriage he had better look nice. But for a groom to think that’s all he has to do? That is a serious, very serious mistake. In my blissful ignorance, I supposed putting a wedding together was not rocket science. Make some calls, book some stuff, get fitted for nice clothes. Seems pretty simple. But now I know it’s not rocket science. It’s more like International Space Station science, in both complexity and expense. While the groom isn’t in charge of Mission Control, he has a vital role to play. And his playing it well will make the entire operation flow much more smoothly – and earn him the esteem of his bride and his bride’s people for years to come. Now, a few disclaimers: As I’m getting married relatively late in life (46), I’m coming at the thing from a different perspective than someone in his 20s and well within the orbit of his and his future
wife’s parents. (That is to say, we’re paying for it ourselves.) Also, I acknowledge that this is being written from the heterosexual perspective. While I have proudly attended several same-sex weddings – and my fiancée, a judge, has very proudly officiated at them – I haven’t been in on their planning process. So I can’t speak to how duties get split up. All I can really speak to is my own experiences and what I’ve learned. So here goes. First, be interested. No, really. Do not, when wedding stuff comes up, turn on the game, start checking your Facebook or wander outside to watch the clouds float by. Yes, this is the bride’s show. But it wouldn’t be happening without you, so own it. Trust me – this cannot be faked, so don’t retreat into the happy place inside your mind when you’re asked for your input on anything – be it music, invitations, flowers, food or favors. Engage directly, and don’t be shy about expressing your opinion. (Know, however, that you can be overruled on anything, and accept this with good humor and a certain degree of non-attachment.) If you’re not the kind of person who’s normally interested in the kinds of things that go into and take place at weddings, look at it as an opportunity to learn about new things and grow as a human being. Plus, it’ll be great practice for when you’re setting up a home and will have to help make a whole new universe of decisions.
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econd, be supportive. There’s a lot of talk around about how to be a good leader, but not really so much about how to be a good follower. During the wedding planning process, the groom has an excellent opportunity to show of his “follow-ship” skills. So far, I’ve found these include, but are not limited to, listening to your future spouse when she’s stressed out by any or all of the innumerable stressors inherent in wedding planning; doing what you’re asked to do quickly and accurately; and making helpful suggestions when they occur to you. Listen well: there is absolutely no place for passive-aggressive, half-assed doing of things assigned to you. You will not get away with it and the consequences will certainly make you wish you had used your whole ass from the get-go. Take your assignments as seriously as James Bond takes his missions. Maybe the fate of the world doesn’t literally hang on you getting the invitations in the mail on time or making a call to the DJ that day, but if you mess it up, you may find yourself wishing for the end of the world to get you off the hook. Another way to be supportive is to project an attitude of calm when things are going badly. No planning process is without its turbulent times; if you possibly can, be the rock. But don’t overdo it; there’s a fine line between unflappability and apathy, so make sure you’re on the right side of it. Don’t project so much calm that it looks like you
Do not, when wedding stuff comes up, turn on the game, start checking your Facebook or wander outside to watch the clouds float by.