(My) GROWTH
It has been two years since I survived the deadliest high school shooting in U.S. history. My hometown of Parkland, FL and my alma mater, Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, have become synonymous with loss and violence. Valentine’s Day has never been and will never be the same. What was a day full of love turned into a day of death and grief. I lost one of my best friends, Carmen, to the senseless violence on the 14th. I had buried my grief so deeply within me that the sadness didn’t get to me during the first year of the aftermath. Supported by the Douglas community during this period, I faced it while still at home along with other survivors. Rather than crying all the time, I made it my mission to be the shoulder that my friends cried on. Instead of facing my own emotional strife and vulnerability, I held them as they broke down about missing Carmen. The friends that I prioritized over my mental health went on their own paths, and then I started college. I launched myself into a normal college routine, determined to not let 18
SPRING 2020
this tragedy define me as much as possible. I kept putting on a smile so that I could make friends at the University of Florida. I gladly accepted the rigorous course load I was given, as it distracted me from the pain inside me. If I didn’t focus on the past, I could force myself to believe that everything was okay. I only allowed myself to cry on the anniversary of the shooting. In the second year, the unprocessed trauma resurfaced. In the summer before the 2019-2020 academic year, I realized that I was not as vulnerable with those I considered friends as I used to be. I didn’t let others in because I subconsciously feared that I would lose them too. By not becoming too close with others, I created a buffer so the pain wouldn’t hit when I inevitably lost them. In addition to realizing the patterns I had formed in my new relationships as a result of my trauma, I also had a couple breakdowns. I would think about how much I missed Carmen and start sobbing. I couldn’t think of anything else
