SILENCED NOT SILENT UF APIA Affairs 2015-2016
UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA'S Multicultural and Diversity Affairs (UF MCDA) UF Multicultural and Diversity Affairs is a department within the Division of Student Affairs. It provides a wide range of services, educational opportunities, learning, support, outreach, activities and engagement for students. MCDA is a collective collaboration between the Institute of Black Culture; Institute of Hispanic-Latino Cultures; Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Affairs, Asian Pacific Islander American Affairs; and Intercultural Engagement.
Office of Asian Pacific Islander American Affairs (APIA Affairs) Asian Pacific Islander American Affairs aims to promote a more critical understanding of APIA issues and identity while advocating for the needs of the APIA community. By focusing on leadership development, providing educational dialogue focused on the complex heritage of Asian Pacific Islander Americans, and being a voice for the APIA community at the University of Florida. APIA Affairs will empower its community members to take a more active role in shaping their experiences at UF and beyond. The core values of APIA Affairs are inclusion, integrity, advocacy, education, and social justice.
WHAT IS THE #SILENCEDNOTSILENT CAMPAIGN?
University of Florida's Office of APIA Affairs launched the #SilencedNotSilent campaign to challenge the notion that the Asian Pacific Islander American community is silent and invisible. We believe that we were always vocal about the issues we face. However, our concerns were treated as trivial, dismissal, or unheard creating the perception of us being SILENT when in reality we are being SILENCED. Through this campaign, we asked students and faculty who have felt or are feeling silenced to raise their voices and speak about a personal story that is important to them. The word on their tape highlights a subject that he/she has been silenced about or a subject that has silenced him/her. The story following explains why that particular word is important to them. We then shared these words and stories on social media such as Facebook and Instagram to promote conversation about the silencing the APIA community faces and to create dialogue about how we can fight against it. This campaign was inspired during the UF MCDA retreat where ambassadors from each area shared obstacles faced within their perspective community. APIA ambassadors realized how our community are not silent, but rather silenced as their struggles have been clearly present, but people outside of our community are unaware of it. Ambassadors did not want the silencing of the APIA community to persist and decided to present this issue boldly and visibly. The following is a compilation of the words and stories that were shared during this campaign. We hope it will continue to inspire awareness and thought.
SUPPRESSED - Amy Chen Growing up as an Asian American, I was in a constant war zone between the clashes of two very different cultures. Being caught in between my two identities, I felt the constant pressure to suppress what I truly felt and who I truly am in order to fit in with the crowd. There has been countless times when my family told me that I was not “Chinese enough” and I was “too American.” However, they constantly try to shape me to become “more Chinese”, while never fully accepting the Asian part of my identity. Similarly, growing up the phrase “go back to where you came from,” became a default whenever my opinions and ideas did not agree with my peers. I was silenced, not silent. Coming to the University of Florida, I learned that many people share this experience with me and no longer do I suppress who I am in order to gain the approval of the majority. As an ambassador for the Asian Pacific Islanders American Affairs, I hope to help others who have been silenced to speak up and share their stories. Read more about the issue and struggles of people growing up with dual identities.
DOUBT - Tony Yin You have no voice if you doubt your own words. Growing up, I never felt like I fit in. The people I was around couldn’t relate to me. The food we ate, the days we celebrated, the family dynamics, all felt different. Seeing so many things different from me, I began to doubt who I was and where I belonged. Doubt has silenced me because it has stopped me from standing firm in my identity.
IDENTITY - Jennifer Zhang It seemed like a never ending battle as a child. Trying to appease the Asian community’s expectations of me as well as convincing the American community that I am not “that Asian girl”. In my Asian community back home, I was always lectured how I was never “Asian enough” and “smart enough”. I felt like an outcast from being constantly compared to my friends who were able to write their Chinese characters straighter, read through an entire Chinese passage better, and achieved straight A’s effortlessly. I felt like I was letting down my parents; that I was an embarrassment; and that my existence wasn’t worth having in my community. At the same time, in my American community at school I had to try hard for people to see past the stereotypes behind my Asian features. Again, I was compared to my friends, and I felt like I had to live up to my classmates' preconceived standards of me as an Asian. I had to be smart, low-key, and obedient. I had to conceal the identity that I wanted to embody by the pressures of the society I lived in by both my Chinese community and my American community. I felt depressed and overwhelmed. I was silenced. Today, I forge my unique personality unapologetically, making my Asian American identity unique to me. I hold my personality and its development with pride, vocalizing my experiences and my opinions boldly. I pursue activities and aspirations set by myself. I fight for my values. I will not be silenced.
IDEALISM - Candice Luc As a child, I aimed for perfection. I thought that anything less than perfect was inadequate and that I had to impress everyone. However as I matured, I realized that the ideal standard cannot be applied to everyone, and many times, it is attainable. I realized that I didn't have to be perfect, and that my "flaws" made me who I am. I am not the poster child nor an "Asian-American Whiz Kid.” Idealism kept me from speaking when I should have. It kept me from being myself. Now, I will no longer allow idealism to silence me.
APPROPRIATION - Nashrah Ahmed Every year since I was a young child, my family, friends and I paint our hands with henna and wear our traditional Pakistani clothing to celebrate our major Muslim holidays. When I was in fourth grade, I went to a public school where I was the only Asian girl. The one and only time I went to school with henna on my hands, all of my classmates made fun of me. They kept asking why I was drawing on myself with markers, what disease I have, and if it'll rub off on them if I touch them. After that awful experience, I hid my culture. I separated my Pakistani identity from who I was when I was at school. I was silenced by the judgment and the misunderstanding of my peers. Now, when I see people of other cultures, especially the kids who made fun of me in elementary school, wearing henna and trying to participate in my culture without being invited, it still stings. As an Asian Pacific Islander American Affairs ambassador, I have learned how to embrace my culture and I have found my voice. I am no longer silenced by the judgment of others. Because of this, I hope to empower those who have had experiences that are similar to mine, so they can also connect with their cultures and tell their stories.
IMMIGRANT - Steven Che It takes time for me, a product of subtractive education, language barriers, and internalized racism, to peel back what it means to be a first generation Chinese-Canadian. It means that my feelings cannot always be vocalized because I have been taught to own and internalize conflicts to not appear weak. It means not always speaking out because I would rather show you by doing. It means showing our affections, not by saying "I love you," but rather stuffing you full of labor intensive, delicious food. My process in understanding why I am silenced is liberating the societal tape covering my voice. As an Asian Pacific Islander American Ambassador, I may appear silent but my purpose, ambition and actions loud.
IMPAIRED - Matthew Wilson All my life I have been suppressed for multiple reasons; the two main reasons being that I am Asian American and I have a physically impaired. In Taiwan, I had to show my peers that I was still Asian despite having white parents and living in the "gwai lo" (a derogatory term meaning white demon) community. In the same time, I had to show the white community that I'm not just one of the millions of Asians in Asia. In the United States, I felt more comfortable with the American mindset and lost touch with my Asian identity despite my parents trying to keep me in touch with my roots. Living with an impairment has always been the "white elephant" in the room. I proved people wrong by participating in extreme sports and break dancing to show what someone with a physical impairment can do. It was not until college that I was able to be more of myself and not be judged. I learned that being yourself is best.
EXPECTATIONS - Michael Ngo Historically, the Asian community has been labeled as the “model minority”, the best minority group known for high academic achievement, strong work ethics, and a powerful family bond. Issues deemed negative such as mental health, sexuality, and disability are often overlooked and ignored by those in and outside of my community. Mental health is shunned upon and people with disabilities (or any deviation from the characteristics of a model minority) are seen as inferior, abnormal, unwanted, and “broken”. Growing up in a household filled with domestic violence and arguments, I suffered from feelings of rejection, confusion, and depression. Despite these strong emotions, I never considered vocalizing my internal battles to anyone because of the Asian mentalillness stigma and the fear of being seen as "broken". Therefore, I grew up learning to hide my problems and to avoid speaking on it. I was silenced by both societal and family expectations. As an Asian Pacific Islanders American Affairs ambassador, I have found my voice and I am no longer silenced. For that reason, my mission is to use my voice to empower those with similar experiences and identities to speak up about their stories.
WHITE PASSING - Nicole Dan Having white passing privilege can protect me from some of the more overt forms of discrimination, but it also means that my racial identity can be erased. I never know what race I will be perceived as. If I’m not perceived as Asian, suddenly people think it is ok to say racist jokes or perpetuate stereotypes. Once I finally do open up to them about my background, anything I say about the Asian American experience is invalidated. Despite being vocal about racial injustice, I’m silence both by certain members of the Asian American community and those outside it for not being Asian enough.
CONFORMITY - Vincent Chen Social standards. Body images. Society has a perception of how Asian Americans behave, dress, talk, act, think, and live in a certain way. Coming from a closed-minded household, I was silenced to conform to the lifestyle from which my own parents grew up in. Coming to UF has broaden my perceptions and changed the way I live my life. You, me, WE deserve a better fate than the oblivion from which society has put on the Asian community. As an Asian Pacific Islanders American Affairs ambassador, I've learned more than I ever could about the issues faced daily within this community and have found my voice, my purpose, and my mission. Therefore, I challenge you to embrace the rich culture you came from, share your stories with one another, learn about the community and challenge the process.
FEAR - Xue Wang I chose this word because throughout my life I was always told to be brave. I was told fear showed weakness, and once someone saw those weaknesses they would dispose of you because you’re no longer an asset to them. As time went by, these fears led me to only do things that I knew I could accomplish. These fears restricted from growing as an individual, and ultimately these fears made me a person that developed anxiety to sudden change. But as time went on, I learned that fear isn’t something that you should ignore, but a part of you that helps you grow so by accomplishing your fears, you can break out of the bubble it has trapped you in.
TAIWANESE - Jeshow Yang I have been silenced as a Taiwanese person. Rather than pride in my own heritage I felt bad for expressing my own identity as a Taiwanese person. When I say that I am Taiwanese the rhetoric used against me is "Oh you're Chinese" as if I was being shot down for trying to be unique and special. I have little to no desire to make myself better than another ethnic group. This happened throughout my childhood that I spent in America. I always held onto my identity as a Taiwanese person but I felt more and more shame in expressing that I was a Taiwanese person. It's true that my blood has Chinese blood but I have my own identity derived from my childhood spent in Taiwan and pride in Taiwan's history. I will no longer be silenced. I am Taiwanese.
DREAMS - Elizabeth Deedee Barrido I used to think I had to live my life according to a predetermined path set up by society. Growing up, I felt like I had to stay silent about my own dreams and personal life goals because they did not align with what society expected of me. I felt miserable repressing my true desires, but I kept up this facade because I thought I had no choice. It wasn't until I came to college and found like-minded individuals that I realized I could choose my own path and make my dreams a reality.
COMPLIANCE - Kanica Phok As Asian Americans, we are often placed into a box as the “model minority” — quiet, submissive, and never in charge. Our voices and opinions are minimized. We are often seen as the compliant ones, the lucky ones. What’s sad is when those around you have fed into this, those that you look up to accept this concept. I shouldn’t have to be told “you should’ve let your white friends speak for you” after getting into a minor car accident with a belligerent man. I shouldn’t have to accept and live in a society that pushes me aside as insignificant.
DOUBLE STANDARDS - Tashfia Noor Double standards are when I am not allowed to take out the garbage at night but my little brother can sleepover at his classmate’s house. Double standards are when I am questioned for marriage the moment I enter high school, but the men suggested for me are at least 6 years older than me. Double standards are being expected to excel in academics, go to medical school, become a doctor, but still be the head of the home and make sure everything domestic functions without a hitch. Double standards are ingrained in every turn of my life; they are something of an unfortunate norm for me, and to this day I cannot challenge it in many situations. I chose double standards as my word because I know I will never stop facing and challenging them, that for the remainder of my life I will have to prevail over them to get any step further in personal, social, and professional endeavors.
QUIET - Tara Chang Growing up I was a quiet kid. A quiet Asian kid. I was always told to speak up, to repeat myself, and before I could say anything else I would be asked, “Why are you so quiet?” In college, I really tried to challenge myself to get out of my comfort zone. I learned to be louder and LOUDER because I didn’t want to be labeled again and so that others knew that I did have a voice and an opinion. But I also had to learn to fake a smile when some people tell me that they thought I would be a quiet Asian. The quiet Asian stereotype persists no matter how many times I have tried to break it. It persists because Asian Americans are silenced, not silent.
AMBIGUOUS - Mona Sayedul Huq Similar to other Asian Pacific Islander Americans (APIAs) struggle with the duality of their identity, I struggled my whole life with my triality of identity for being ethnically ambiguous. I am a Saudi-born Filipino Bengali American who spent my early childhood in the Philippines before immigrating to the US. Anytime someone asks about my ethnicity, I am always surprised, amused, and ashamed. Surprised when other Filipinos find out I attend Simbang Gabi or eat Palabok; Surprised when people find out English was not my first language; Amused to hear the race and ethnicity guesses; Amused to see the facial expressions upon revealing my APIA identity; and Ashamed when other Bengalis ask why I did not greet them with “As-salamu alaykum.” The biggest shame of being ethnically ambiguous comes from unintentionally denouncing my APIA triality when being called any other race or ethnicity other than my own for the desire to be accepted. Now, I use being ethnically ambiguous as a chance to educate others about my APIA community and bond with others who also appear AMBIGUOUS. The question left is “Are you listening?"
ANXIETY - Alexander Cena I chose the word “Anxiety”, because it was something I have always had to hide from others. I was scared of sudden bouts of anger, fear, and depression that came without warning. I would stop hanging out with people, fearing that I might yell or hurt the people around me. I did not want to appear weak or broken. I did not want to ask for help. Recently, I have become more open about my experiences with these feelings and connecting with others who have similar circumstances. It is empowering to know others go through the same issues and are surviving. Rather than using it as an excuse, I use it a reason to live more fully and openly.
INADEQUACY - Peter Theryo One of my biggest issues that I struggle with is a constant feeling of inadequacy. Living in an Sian household as a younger sibling to an amazing, successful older sister led to many constant micro-aggressive comparison statements which slowly chipped away at my self-esteem to the point where there was hardly anything I felt confident in anymore. The silence in my self-esteem was deafening. Today, thanks to my college experiences and the family I’ve made here, I can truly say I’m getting better. I trust in my capabilities and I’m proud of the progress I’ve made. But I’m not the only one who has felt the crushing weight of inadequacy, not the only one who has felt the sting of not being enough. Be aware that anyone can falter under the gaze of inadequacy and remember that those who have been silenced often times cannot call for help.
EXPECTATIONS - Leon Chen Growing up as a first generation Asian American, the standard of what was “expected” was set so high. Failure was not an option and I always played it safe. I trade authenticity for affirmation. Living the life of what other though of me when deep down inside I felt so hollow. When I look at what I was, what I am, what I will be, I haven’t really changed much except for my perspective that comes with setting your own expectations. Going by what feels right instead of being influenced by others…Trusting your intuition instead of others intimidation…Not following but creating your own path…Because… “It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll; I am the CAPTAIN, master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.” - William Ernest Henley
FREEDOM - Denise Pulmano Ever since I could remember, I was never able to make my own decisions. The clothes I wore, hairstyle I had, or even the schools I went to never really felt like my own decision. My parents “encouraged” me to follow their advice (aka they forced me). Honestly, I never wanted to go to UF or even major in engineering, but my parents told me it would be best for me. And although coming to UF and being an engineer has helped me meet some amazing people, it still bothers me that these two life changing decisions were not mine to make. Being an Asian-American, I was always too afraid to go against my parents’ wishes. They engraved the idea in my mind that family was more important than the individual. It wasn’t until recently did I realize that making my own decisions for my own happiness is what’s most important. I’m finally feeling “free” with my life, but I’m still afraid of going against my parents. Hopefully, though, I’ll slowly become stronger as an individual and fight for my happiness in the future.
STABLE - Arianne Lazaro I have a habit of thinking in absolutes: things are either perfect or they are unacceptable. This fear of failure is immobilizing as it led me to doubt my own abilities and eventually, my selfworth. Discussing mental health is laced with shame and guilt in Asian American culture. I’ve been told that these issues are fictitious—having no real scientific evidence—or trivial simply because “others have it worse.” Failure to meet the expectations set by the model minority myth leads to feelings of inadequacy, and further reinforces the taboo against psychological treatment. I have learned that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. In the words of Winston Churchill, “Failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts .” No longer will I let others speak for me as I continue to take steps in making my voice heard.
OUTSIDER - Narayan Kulkarni The word OUTSIDER has often appeared during my life. Being ostracized by my peers after 9/11 for my tan skin, repeatedly called names such as "terrorist" and "bin Laden's son." Being told by Indian peers that I didn't belong because I didn't speak Hindi fluently or wasn't from Gujarat or a state in South India. My name constantly mispronounced by my peers, leading to its neglect as it was seen as "too hard" or "a waste." Being told upon becoming involved in UF AASU that I couldn't really fit in because my Indian identity made me "less Asian" than my East and Southeast Asian-identified peers. Despite my frustrations, I noticed and focused on the inclusive, welcoming individuals around me. I soon realized that being an outsider is a sentiment shared by many, a jumbled suitcase of experiences that can be unpacked through candid conversations and tangible actions. I've made efforts at UF to address the "outsider" experience. Through involvements within AASU and APIA Affairs, I've aimed to highlight lesser-discussed APIA issues and encourage intentional dialogue on APIA experiences, despite peer resistance. I've tried to stay persistent and determined as a student leader, culminating in becoming the first South Asianidentified President in the 23 year history of AASU. I've learned to realize change through focusing on one's self-empowering mindsets and not others' constraining beliefs. My fight against being called an "outsider" is ever-so-surely transforming into a daily quest to develop an authentic voice. Here's a reflective essay that I wrote which goes into further into depth about parts of my story: http://www.goipeace.or.jp/english/activities/programs/2015/wi nners/winner_1Y.html
REJECTION - Nancy Yeung Before I came to UF, I was rejected by eight universities. I don’t talk about it, but I applied under the pretense that I was supposed to want to be at an Ivy League school. Today, I am so thankful to be at the University of Florida. This sprawling Asian American community has given me the bravery to break free from the preconceived notions of being a “model minority”. I no longer feel the need to be meek, to be nerdy, to be a doctor or lawyer, or to practice piano every day. Ultimately, our personalities and lifestyles should never be bound by our race.
OBJECTIFICATION - Andrew Lim Asian-Americans are a comparably privileged people of color we have a higher median household income than white Americans and other peoples of color, we have the highest percentage of college degrees compared to other races, and our children have the highest test scores. But these facts not only generalize the Asian-American experience, they perpetuate the model minority myth; because we are seen as the “good” racial minority, our oppression at the hands of white supremacy is trivialized. Impoverished APIA people are glossed over. APIA with mental health disorders are ignored. We are expected to assimilate into white culture; we are expected to be grateful that they don’t antagonize us as much as other people of color and instead objectify us. We are turned into tools they use to further marginalize us from other people of color. They divide us from the black and Hispanic/Latinx communities and pillage our experiences to oppress and harass them. As Asian-Americans, we’re expected to be silent in regards to our own oppression and the oppression of others. It’s time for us to speak out.
DUALITY - Sara Preston "You don't even look Japanese", "You're not even Asian", "You're only white.", "You’re more Asian than American", "I can so tell by your eyes", these are a few quotes that have followed me for years and even to this day. Yes, I was born and raised in America but, that does not make me just an American. By blood I am half Japanese and half American, therefore I identify as a Japanese American. Because I am half, does not make me any less Asian or American culturally. Despite growing up in America, I learned both Japanese and English at the same time, my hobbies include playing Japanese instruments, I love Japanese films, etc. I have personally been told numerous times that I lean toward one side more. No. I am both a proud American and a proud Japanese. I am cultured in both. Even if I wasn't cultured, that doesn't make me any less half of who I am. I am half Japanese and half American, together, I am Sara Sonoe Preston.
INADEQUATE - Colleen Cui Being Asian always made me feel like I wasn't good enough and that I had to work extra hard to escape stereotypes. Because I'm a short Asian girl, some people expect me to be a certain way. But often that's really not who I am. So just being me wasn't enough, I had to show people that what they thought about me was wrong. I'm stereotyped as being submissive and meek. I'm not at all, so I had to show people. I'm stereotyped as being awkward and uncool. That's an unfair preconception, so I tried to show people I had interpersonal skills. I'm stereotyped as a quiet smart kid, but that's not who I wanted to be, so I took steps to work against that. I felt like I always had to make extra efforts to feel adequate. But who I am intrinsically is enough. I shouldn't have to try and break through preconceptions. It's time to eradicate stereotypes and stop feelings of inadequacy.
APATHY - Tho Tran The people around me were pretty apathetic. It wasn't cool to do certain things and it seemed like nothing was really worth doing. I caught that attitude and it spread like wildfire. I lost interest in the things I liked to do and the things that matter. Something changed though. I realized life's what you make of it. You can either not do anything at all, or you can try something new and make it fun and worth your while. Everything has a meaning, you just have to find what it means to you. There are so many different issues in this world to do something or to speak up for, but nothing will be done unless you do something, unless you speak up. You only live once, literally, and life's too short to do nothing. Someone has to make a difference, no matter how small, and I want to be the one to make that difference. Carpe diem.
PROGRESSION - Joselin Padron-Rasines Progression. It's a word weird to choose. But this entire academic year, I've been told I can't do it, the system is too ingrained, people won't change. For the most part, it's true. I spend the majority of my day in a battle; trying to dodge and weave people's negativity and manipulations while still trying to accomplish what the student body elected me for. You see progression is about making change and I realized, this year, that progress scares people. People don't want to change, they would like to keep things the same because for the past several decades "keeping it the same" has benefited a select few. When people would choose to intimidate their friends and tokenize minorities, it's a depressing cycle to witness and even tiring, in fact. What's the attraction of a position if you only did it for the title or for the sense of "power"? What's the point of intimidating those around you if your position is truly about providing support for students? Decisions can always be rationalized but we can no longer be oblivious to the background tactics. If we allow ourselves to do it to each other now then we will continue to do it once we leave UF. I choose to stand up against this cycle. Progression is a movement towards a better state, and it will take a while, but I am not silenced. I use how I won to teach others that you don't have to follow the status quo. Let's break the ceiling.
SELF-WORTH - Brittany Fischer After years of abuse and neglect, I struggled to recognize my self-worth. Even though I am in a much more supportive situation now, I still have difficulties at times accepting and believing in myself. Taking this photo helps to illustrate that I am more than just my insecurities.
PASSIVE - Jessie (Jiaxin) Wang Whether in words or actions, I’ve always believe the Asian community to be passive; arguing passively, acting passively, and living passively — we passively sustain ourselves, but we are never fighting for anything bigger than ourselves. Passive. And I was as well. I was quiet about things that angered me, I accepted the hurtful micro-aggressions and humorless Asian jokes, and I went with the flow of things because I didn’t believe change could happen; after all, this was my culture, wasn’t it? It wasn’t until college that I learned about the active history of my people, a rich history of Asian and Asian American activists who’ve stood up, organized, rallied, and shaped the history of the community and even the country. From Grace Lee Boggs to Patsy Mink, to the working activists now, the Asian and Asian American history is NOT passive tale I thought it was. A history rooted in immigration, in established roots, in marches and rallies against unjust laws, in protests against discrimination, in fights against hate crimes, in a better and brighter future, in representation across communities and spheres, in growth and hope and legacy. Today, I stand for my people, my identity, my community. I believe in educating others about the challenges faced by this Asian and Asian American community, I believe in challenging our hegemonic social structures, and I believe in the potential of this community. From the activists before me to the advocates of today, I am inspired and encouraged by the activism of this community, a community I love. Because at the end of the day, it's all about loving the community for what it is, not just the idea of the community, but every aspect of the community itself. I am Jiaxin Jessie Wang, a 1.5 generation middle class, physically able, Chinese American, cis-gendered, heterosexual, Christian woman. "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another." John 13:34 "You cannot change any society unless you take responsibility for it, unless you see yourself as belonging to it and responsible for changing it" ~Grace Lee Boggs
OUR LIVES BEGIN TO END THE DAY WE BECOME SILENT ABOUT THINGS THAT MATTER. - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Thank you to all who stepped forward to share their stories.