Sunk Cost Fallacy at Home

by Anonymous

Trigger Warning: Depression, Selfharm, Suicidal

Ideation

My whole life circled around money and its absence. A desperate daily search for ways to make money, to have it, to spend it. My mom knew all the credit operators before she learnt to love us.

When I was a kid, I was afraid to vocalize my needs. Once, I got scolded for staying hungry - it was my fault that I was scared that my words would trigger another shout. She would not stop shouting. At me, at her, at him. At whoever didn't give her everything she wanted.

What did she even want from me?

For a long time I tried to make her see me. I was first in class, went to championships. Nothing. Then I stopped trying. I became the embodiment of her problems. I made peace with that I would never hear pride in her voice. The accumulation of guilt for all the world's pain made me even lose my will to live. I firmly felt that I didn't deserve to.

I didn't have a place and the one I'm taking makes the world worse. I was drained of life right in front of her eyes and she still didn't see me. She saw my cuts and still believed she was a good mom.

I only know the colour of her eyes through the reflection of a computer screen. It was her whole world; a fucking machine was better than us. I hated video games. Their existence stole my mother away, swinging her in the arms of the perfect life she'll never have. She was given the illusion that all her problems, her family, which she never actually wanted, was not there anymore. We disappeared into the background of the screen. She would just peek at us every now and then.

Then, high school happened, I found my will to live in helping others. I started doodling a life for myself about others and their needs. My actions became my own and my rebellion another small inconvenience in her life. She didn't have to do anything for most of it, I made sure of it.

In Diederix’s eyes, you do not belong in a cab unless you’ve earned your own money, and only people who have parental financial support as a safety net can consciously be stupid enough not to take the train from the airport to Utrecht. “I’ve never been in a cab”, he boasts. His low opinion on the UCU population is also clear from his views on our lack of personal hygiene, which leads to chlamydia and scurvy outbreaks; “You don’t want bedbugs, I don’t want bedbugs. It’s a collaboration together. And they [UCU students] don’t. Unless they’re beaten into submission”, he chuckles. “Why don’t you guys just use condoms?!” Wise words.

Curious about Diederix’s views on mental health, his Instagram account, and “the shadow people”?

Part 2 coming in February…

I burnt myself alive to see the work of my own hands. Maybe she will be proud now.

With a sore throat and panting, I ran away. I looked around and felt the walls suffocating, my final fall if I don't escape now. I decided for myself, in their disbelief, that I will leave the country for university. She was in pure denial until I got my acceptance note. How do you write a motivational letter if your motivation is survival?

You know those YouTube videos of university acceptance reactions? My mom got the same joy out of saying "I can't afford it, you're not going" before ever uttering a 'congratulations'.

I figured that out myself as well.

I found the money. I booked my own tickets. It was lonely but so was home.

So yes, I hate money.

Even more, I hate myself.

I shouldn't be here.