29 February 2016
The State-Run Media
the
State-Run media Can somebody attack me please?
New candidate Bej Hedge surprises GOP A mustachioed mystery man has taken the GOP by storm, providing an alternative to career politicians and bombastic candidates. James Whisenhunt Beginning a write-in campaign
Who is this mustachioed new contender for the Republican nomination?
graphic by Madeline Woods
Last week in South Carolina, Jeb Bush suspended his presidential campaign. As more states have cast their votes, less-successful candidates have begun leaving the race. Unfortunately, Jeb is no exception. However, one surprise candidate is now taking the GOP by storm. Bej Hedge has been making great strides in his initial campaign, gaining as much as nine percent in national polls in the last week. To many Democrats and some Republicans, this new candidate and his shrouded origins seem very suspicious. Many are demanding his birth certificate, and others wish to see him deported from the country due to the possibility of him being an illegal immigrant. To others, however, Bej is a breath of fresh air. The hot topic of this election cycle is whether or not a candidate is a “career politician.” As there’s no history of Bej Hedge’s existence before last week, there’s no voting history to come back to haunt him. Political science senior Evelyn Tajna feels that Bej’s shrouded past keeps him interesting to the public. “Amidst a slew of people with established platforms,” Tanja
notes, “a wildcard candidate like Bej keeps voters on their toes.” Hedge has also been successful in getting people to watch the Republican debates. According to CNN, last Thursday’s debate brought in 14.5 million people, the highest number since last December. According to interest polls of debate viewers, 46 percent of viewers said their main reason for watching the debate was to learn more about Bej’s views. Another 18 percent wanted to see how he will react to Donald Trump’s bombastic nature. Hedge was impressively civil in the debate, consistently focusing on the issues and not getting caught up in other candidate’s often volatile discourse. Trump was not afraid to attack Hedge, calling him “the new joke candidate since Bush left.” He also urged the American people to “demand to know his birthplace because I’ve got a million bucks on Guatemala!” Despite attacks, Hedge’s choice to take the high road has given the GOP an excellent foil and competitor to Trump’s aggressive nature. With three important states’ votes already cast and Super Tuesday in just a day, Bej has a long way to go in a short amount of time to become the frontrunner. Tanja feels that this is a strategic position on Hedge’s part, suspecting that “his novelty may lead people to the polls.” Only time will tell whether Hedge is able to cut down the competition.
TU students mimic Neko Atsume, collect real cats
Obsession over virtual cats goes IRL, with intense and potentially dangerous consequences. James Whisenhunt Still looking for Lady Meow-Meow
Neko Atsume: Kitty Collector, a simple phone game where players put out toys and food to attract cartoon cats, has taken TU’s campus by storm. Despite the simple premise, it’s surprisingly gratifying to see Joe Dimeowgio pose by his baseball or see Billy the Kitten put his cowboy hat on. However, some students may be taking the game too far by trying to collect and document the cats on campus. Food bowls and cat toys have been strategically placed in and around campus buildings. Students can be seen filling the bowls with various types of food, leaving for 20-30 minutes, and returning to find cats a-plenty. The toys left for these cats range from quaint to spectacular in scope. Mechanical engineering student Emily Rohr recreated the
game’s 3D Tunnel item, giving spots for four different cats to stick out their heads and/or bottoms for the viewing pleasure of TU students. Students have attempted to appropriate many of the game’s other features to TU as well. One popular feature in Neko Atsume is the ability to rename the cats to whatever the player wishes. On campus, an attempt at this feature has proven rather controversial, as students can’t seem to decide on a name for a popular black cat. Two opposing groups, #TeamTwinkle and The Puddles Posse, have gone back and forth for the last two weeks naming the cat Twinkle and Puddles, respectively. The rivalry is growing more and more heated by the day, as team members are on constant lookout to change the name tag on the cat’s collar. Puddles Posse leader Audrey Pluvo feels that “this has become less about Puddles and more about sending a message.” She refuses to let the “Twinkle Terrorists” win. The cat in question, last pictured in the conductor’s seat of the Cardboard Choo-Choo with the name Twinkle, has not been seen for three days.
The TU campus cats inspire students to participate in a real-life game of Neko Atsume.
graphic by Elias Brinkman
Student too stressed to attend “Stress and Resiliency” workshop
It’s a commonly-known fact that college students are always stressed out, and as it turns out some of them won’t do anything to fix that. JD Wessinger Can’t talk right now, super busy
Last week, the university hosted a Stress and Resiliency Workshop to help students who are struggling to maintain a healthy balance between school and other activities. The night of the event, hitting his stride after three Red Bulls and a two-and-a-half minute nap, TU junior Donnie Johnson began work on his four midterms and a nine page paper due that
midnight, sources stated Thursday morning. Johnson was reportedly heard muttering “I think I can, I think I can,” while getting lunch at ACAC that day.
“The stress workshop seemed like it would be really good for him,” Johnson’s roommate Grant Wynn told reporters, “But when I told him about it, he said that he
“The stress workshop seemed like it would be really good for him, but... he said that he was coping just fine.”
was coping just fine.” This was right after Johnson, reportedly, had begun dehydrating 5-hour energy shots so he could better mix it with his coffee. One of Johnson’s professors also told the State-Run-Media, “I’m sure he’s paying attention in class, I’m just not sure whether he blinks at all.” As of press time, Johnson was unavailable for comment.