Taming the Roar A better way to deescalate tough conversations

by Rachel Acosta Community Relations Coordinator Leander ISD

It’s a jungle out there! Nowadays, it seems the uncertainty of situations around us has caused emotions to get the best of people. Fear that drives these emotions can be misplaced in a way where we may become the target. So how do we tame the roar and help re-engage the partnership and trust we once had with a friend, colleague or community member?

The first step to deescalating conversations is listening to understand. This can be tough when we’re being yelled at as our first instinct is to get defensive. But trying to reason with a person right away sounds argumentative to someone who is emotional. Sometimes people want help fixing things; sometimes they just want to feel heard. Earnest listening can help us determine if the person is looking for advice, for us to fix something or to just hear them out. We all get frustrated about different things: running late, someone cutting us off in traffic, too much noise when we’re trying to concentrate, etc. When helping a child learn to self-regulate, I often use the phrase, “it’s time to find our calm.” Sometimes this comes with hugs, sometimes it comes by giving them some space alone until they can find their calm, and then they can join back in with the group in their own time. Apart from having more responsibilities and a little more self-control, we really aren’t so different from children. Our feelings can feel very big depending on the circumstances, and when those circumstances are because our children are involved, we can get frustrated very quickly. Recognizing that emotion and that our amazing parents really want the best for their kids can help us take a pause and extend empathy.

Although a person may express their feelings in an uncouth way, their feelings are valid. Saying something like, “I can understand how you might feel that way” or “your feelings about this are important to me” takes the edge off the conversation and recognizes their feelings. Responding with this kind of empathy is the next step to de-escalating conversations.

Also, it’s important to remember we don’t have to have an immediate answer. Listening, being mindful of what someone is saying, and letting them know that we need to think about what they said is often well-respected. Taking the breathing space needed will help us get past the initial feelings that come from a hostile conversation and will let our rational minds consider the root and truth of the conversation. Following up on the subject with them is critical as this will not only work toward resolving the issue and getting on the same page but it will also create a platform for trust to be rebuilt.

Remember our first jobs in retail or food service where we heard the phrase, “The customer is always right”? Well, in school PR, this is not always true. We are required to follow the guidelines provided to us through legislature, governing bodies and sometimes health officials, and we may find ourselves in situations when we must kindly say “no” to someone. Disagreeing with someone takes a lot of tact. Utilizing our skills in listening, asking questions and considering their point of view before we respond can preserve those relationships. We will never go wrong if we stick to policy; however, how we say something can be just as valuable as the message we are sharing, especially if we are delivering the bad news that they are not correct.

Together, we can work to build trust with our communities. One of the things I love about TSPRA is having this community of school PR pros who love to learn and grow, share best practices and be fabulous thought partners. If we encourage one another, pursue our mission to support and celebrate our students, and insert joy with everyone we encounter, our world will find its calm and we will tame the roar.