FLATBEARE VIEWS
An anonymous writer finds life s not always so pleasant in an idyllic village
Love Clotted Cream? Does that make you a True Devonian or just a Tourist?
H
aving been an upstanding member of this idyllic Devon community for some nine years, I was puzzled, and not a little shocked, to receive the following letter a couple of months ago.
Association for the Deportation of Association for the Deportation of Downright Lazy Eccentrics out of Devon Downright Lazy Eccentrics out of Devon 22 Pigsbladder Place 22 Pigsbladder Place Flatbeare Flatbeare Devon Devon 1st April 12 01/04/2012 Dear Zur Dear Zur Uz sees that in September of this ere yere Uz sees that in September of this ere yere ee ll ave bin livin in Demshire nigh on ten ee ll ave bin livin in Demshire nigh on ten ole ole yeres. Yer visa be runnin out then and yeres. Yer visa be runnin out then and ee ll ee ll like as not be deported unless ee pass like as not be deported unless ee pass this this ere test for to prove yer Demness. ere test for to prove yer Demness. Please Please answer they questions dreckly and answer they questions dreckly and send send back to uz on the enclosed pigeon back to uz on the enclosed pigeon afore afore the backend of August if n ee knows the backend of August if n ee knows what what be gude fer ee. be gude fer ee.
Devonness Test: Remember, you ll only be cheating yourself! 1. What is a Grockle shell ? (a) home for a type of mollusc (b) a caravan or (c) ammunition used to repel invaders? 2. Which famous Devonian is reputed to have said there s time to fi nish the game and beat the Spaniards too before laying his cloak over a puddle in front of Queen Elizabeth 1st (a) Sir Walter Raleigh (b) Sir Francis Drake or (c) Agatha Christie? 3. Which of the following flags is the Devon one? (a) Black with a white horizontal/vertical cross (b) Blue with a white diagonal cross or (c) Green with a white vertical/horizontal cross that s sort of edged in black ? 4. Picture round: Which of the following maps is least incorrect? (a) (b) (c)
Yers Faithfully Yers Faithfully Edna Grudge (Secetary) Edna Grudge (Secetary) Now I seem to recollect suggestions some years ago about a Britishness test for potential immigrants. In my imagination such a test might perhaps include questions on the etiquette of Morris Dancing, the art of tea drinking and the rules of cricket; even I d be stumped on that last one. But I never imagined myself taking a county test. Though deeply shocked by the tone of the letter, I wasn t unduly bothered. After all I ve gone native in many respects. I ve mastered the pronunciations for Crediton, Honiton, Teignmouth, Dunchideok etc and no longer require an interpreter when attending Newton Abbot Races or Widecombe Fair. The test should be a doddle and taking it would prove I wasn t lazy. I realise I can never qualify as a true Devonian by dint of birth but perhaps a sort of associate membership might be possible if I were to do really well. So I set to with a will and my Learn Theeself Devonness almanac. Nort to fret about I thought as I searched for my spectacles. I was relieved to see that the actual questions had apparently been compiled by a somewhat less grammatically addled brain than that of fellow Flatbearean Ms Grudge.
5.When scoffi ng a Devon cream tea do you (a) put the jam on the scones fi rst (b) clotted cream fi rst or (c) watch in horror as a seagull pounces on the scones while you re cogitating Answer these three geography questions without the help of an atlas, compass, or any new fangled app things: 6. Which town is furthest south? (a) Chard (b) Bude or (c) Tiverton?
DearZur Zur Dear avetototell tellee eeee eedid did nn pass pass yer UzUzave yer test. test.But But uzerd erd yer yer agoin bebe a writin zum zum asasuz agointoto a writin articulesabout aboutDevon Devon in in aa posh posh magazine articules magazine giveneeeea awarning warninginstead instead of of sendin uzuz bebegiven ee back upcountry. Learn zumabout eesendin back upcountry. Learn zum more uz right and don t be uzmore rightabout quickly and quickly don t be a tellin folk a tellin any thin rihgtuzbad uz in any thin folk rihgt bad about in about them there them there articules of yern. articules of yern. Well Wellbebewaitchin waitchin ee ee Edna Grudge x Edna Grudge x
That s a bit unfortunate, for the editor of this illustrious magazine has asked me to write a regular column. A golden opportunity to have a moan about modern life and not just about the pittance he s going to pay me. He seems to think my old fashioned, but not in the least eccentric, views will strike a chord with readers. But looks like I d better be careful what I say about Glorious Devon, and Idyllic Flatbeare in particular. PS - Couldn t figure out how I failed until a mole in the ADDLED office sent me a file marked TOP SERCET with the answers in - and my marks. How would you have done? 1. (a) 0 points 2. (a) 2 points 3. (a) 0 points 4 (a) 3 points 5. (a) 0 points 6. (a) 0 points 7 (a) 1 points 8 (a) 0 points 9 (a) 0 points
(b) 2 points (c) 1 points (b) 2 points (c) 0 points (b) 1 points (c) 3 points (b) 2 points (c) 0 points (b) 0 points (c) 3 points (b) 0 points (c) 3 points (b) 2 points (c) 3 points (b) 3 points (c) 1 points (b) 0 points (c) 3 points
7. And which is the least furthest west (a) Paignton (b) Exeter or (c) Tiverton?
Ms Grudge had added her assessment of the scores.
8. Do you pay to get across the Tamar Bridge (a) into Cornwall (b) out of it or (c) both?
If n ee gets: 0-10 On yer bike!
10-16 Uz ll be waitchin ee
16-22 Visa fer five more yeres
And fi nally… 9. Do you like clotted cream? (a) yes (b) no or (c) don t know? Tie breaker in the event of a close run thing: Suppose we decide to deport you, which adjoining county would you choose? (a) Dorset (b) Cornwall or (c) Somerset? I sent it off and received a reply some time later.
South Devon Coast & Country
22-25 You m one of uz
Since I only managed 7/25 I m lucky still to be propping up the bar of Ye Olde Pig & Trampoline here in idyllic Flatbeare as I write. It must have been those writing skills and the answer to the tie breaker that swayed those wonderful ADDLED people. So I may be classed as officially eccentric but I shall wear the badge with pride.
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