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THE HALLOWEEN ISSUE
THE CANDY CORNER Treats or tricks? BY JOY LAZARUS
Candy is dangerous. It’s a bottomless pit of sugar and artificial flavoring. The danger lies in the sheer abundance of confectionary options. Specifically, Halloween candy. Orange, yellow, white. This is the color gradient of a much beloved Halloween sweet treat. Candy corn is made of sugar, corn syrup and confectioners wax. Artificial color gives it the striped appeal. For a size comparison, candy corn is three times that of a real corn kernel. If you’ve tasted a piece in your life, you’re not alone. An estimated 20 million pounds of candy corn are sold annually. That’s pure, sugary lunacy. With all of these variations it’s hard to decipher
what the best and most spectacular “Corn” should be. What corn stands out among the rest, the corn that really truly dazzles. And of course, it’s obviously candy corn, the original, but there are many contenders. Chocolate, Mars Bars, Almond Joys, those Tiny Twix and Snickers you can stuff your backpack with and eat during intervals, would fill up my little pumpkin bucket when I went around the block. And then there was the healthy house that gave caramel squares or organic lollipops. Actually, in our neighborhood we all had preconceived notions of what kind of candy would be received depending on the type of house. If it was a big house, entire candy bars. Smaller, less decorated houses would give little toys and malt balls. The elderly couple down the block? Cough drops. That one night of free-candy collecting provided a personal stash for months after Halloween, just waiting to be eaten. Typically, after we cased the neighborhood for candy, my friends and I would dump our findings
on the floor and trade gummies for chocolate, or chocolate for gummies. What lasted would be an endless pit of cavity frenzy and a bucket of old, leftover candy happily distributed to anyone who came over. We were known as the candy house. Neighbors would ring the doorbell, grab a Butterfinger and bolt. Maybe Halloween is just a front for candy producers to gain cash money in late October. Or perhaps it’s a conspiracy between candy makers and the dental industry to entice consumers with sugar and then deplete insurance funds through multiple cavity fillings. If this is indeed the case, I encourage an excess of candy consumption to students now, while metabolisms are still relatively high and insurance plans have not yet wreaked havoc on annual salaries, as we have yet to partake in the joys of the “real world.” Here’s a list of superior candies, just for kicks: Nerds, Sweetarts, Sprees, Bottlecaps (sometimes), any form of gummy, Snickers, Zotz, Kit-Kat Bars, Twix, Reeses, etc. Enjoy at a brisk pace.
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CANDY CORN: A LOVE STORY BY ELISE HESTER For years people have asked, what is the best Halloween candy? Is candy corn wonderful or terrible? What is the difference between Halloween candy and regular candy? I seek to answer these questions. What is Halloween candy? One could assume that any candy can be Halloween candy if it is served on Halloween, but Halloween candy in its true nature is not merely a random collection of various treats that Johnny Smith picked off the ground at the Homecoming parade and is now in his mother’s pantry waiting to be handed out to all his friends. Rather, Halloween candy is purchased from Walmart in bags with assorted candies in a temporary aisle set aside primarily for Halloween candy. Some may argue that Reese’s shaped like a pumpkin are the best Halloween candy, for the Reese’s peanut butter cup disguises itself as a pumpkin much as we disguise ourselves for Halloween. However, many discredit the polarizing power of candy corn. When considering marriage, as I often do, there are three questions that are important. Have you ever peed in front of a public library at 11 a.m. completely sober? Have you seen the show “Galavant?” Do you love candy corn? My answer to all three questions is yes, but in order to marry me, someone must answer no to all three questions, for three very simple reasons. First, yes I have peed on the front lawn of the Huntsville Public Library, last week in fact. I needed to pee, I was wearing a skirt, and no one was there cause the library didn’t open until noon. I did what I had to do, but peeing in front of library is a definite dealbreaker. Double standard, maybe. Second, I want to watch the show “Galavant” again, but with someone to see if it is actually good or if I just have terrible taste. Third, I love candy corn, and the person I marry is not going to eat my candy corn. Those are the only three things that matter in marriage. Perhaps I inherited my love for candy corn from my grandmother. The sober Scott who birthed my mother eats candy corn to take the edge off. She loves fall, not only for the joy of decorating her entire house with Hobby Lobby plastic leaves, scarecrows and crochet table runners with pictures of pumpkins, but for the return of candy corn. The weird thing about candy corn, however is the way it has absolutely no taste until you bite into it. It’s the mystery of candy corn. Why do we love it? Why does it draw us in? The world may never know, but candy corn is not an occasional treat. It’s best eaten by the bulk load. You know you are doing it right when your poop turns orange. Candy corn is a beautiful, beautiful enigma … available now at the P.O.D.!