JAMes p. delpino, Mss, Mlsp, lcsW, bcd
about life
Magical Sex COuNTLESS COuPLES HaVE COME to me reporting unsatisfactory, little or no sex. This struck me as odd since these people took the time to fall in love, make some sort of commitment or marry, have children, buy houses, etc. It would seem with all of this that there would be a spark and pursuant mutual pleasure in the bedroom. apparently this is not the case for a great number of couples. Even those couples who do have sex the average number of times per week (twice) report they have unsatisfying sex. There is a woeful lack of knowledge in the general public about having great sex. It’s clear that, at first, most couples report very good sexual experiences. Over time, however, the quality and satisfaction dwindle. This occurs for a number of reasons. Sometimes it’s performance issues with the man; sometimes it’s the woman’s withdrawal from sex. In same sex couples these behaviors can be manifested by either partner. Boredom and avoidance often contribute to these outcomes. Sex is usually a process that starts with a kiss and ends with the male orgasm. Many couples report going through the motions with little emotional, psychological, and physical foreplay, and little or no time holding each other afterward. One or the other partner most frequently pulls away or gets up and runs to the bathroom. There is a general lack of passion and connection in these experiences. It’s no wonder so many couples report unsatisfying sexual experiences. The obvious contrast between sex in the beginning of a relationship and sex after time in a relationship is remarkable. Couples who report great—or magical—sex keep doing things as though they’re in a new relationship. This means they show affection and passion; they understand how important the process of seduction is.
Seduction involves foreplay on the emotional, psychological, and physical levels. For some couples, a romantic dinner leads to a wonderful night. For others, sexy texting or short phone calls throughout the day are the lead up to deeply satisfying sex later on. Being able to bond on the deeper levels is another key ingredient. Just looking into each other’s eyes releases the bonding hormones oxytocin and vasopressen. Touch of a non-sexual nature opens up the gates of the physical sensorium. Hugging and kissing—the most intimate of sexual acts—further the process of deepening the bond for a couple. as the bond deepens the pleasure centers in the brain excite the synapses that create excitement and pleasure. If all of this happens before sexual contact the couple begins to enter the realm of magical sex. Magical sex opens up countless opportunities for mutual joy. When things become magical there is a wide berth for sexual expression to emerge. as time goes on the urge to explore and discover take over. This is where novelty plays a significant role. as much as we like routine and the comfort of knowing what’s coming, so, too, do we find great delight in the new and unexplored. This can take the form of sexual talk, which many people find adventurous and sensual. Since 8090% of communication is non-verbal, touch plays a crucial part in the overall experience. In the magical theater of the bedroom being openminded creates the capacity to experience more joy in
more ways. Fantasy and role-play are common elements of a magical sexual experience—in the theater of magic a person can assume many roles in their their connection with another. Role-play also broadens the spectrum of pleasure as it allows repressed pieces to safely surface. Being able to speak and perform in ways someone would never engage in in ordinary life becomes a huge turn on: the innocent person can be shameless in their lust; the powerful person in real life can become submissive and surrendering; the people-pleaser can find ways to please the other that are deeply satisfying for themselves as well as the other. Manifesting repressed aspects of the self can be very therapeutic and healing. Magical sex for some also includes the use of objects (vibrators) and fantasy gear (silk ties or handcuffs). There exists a whole range of things available at boutiques, online or around the house. While this isn’t necessary for magical sex, it’s frequently a part of general exploration and pleasure. Some people resist these things because they’re fearful and embarrassed, or simply don't get turned on. Like many things in life it may not be a turn-on unless a person tries it first. This is where solid sexual communication comes to play in the magical theater. a new approach, or the introduction of, say, a vibrator, requires talking before doing. If you can't talk about it you shouldn’t do it. unless you know your partner wants to be surprised, always check first—unwanted surprise can ruin the moment and destroy trust. Importantly, always have a “safe word.” This can be any word other than “no” or “stop.” This allows for some leeway in exploration without damaging the trust and intimacy for a couple. Tickets to the magical theater are free. The only requirement is to be openminded, trustworthy and passionate. n Jim Delpino is a psychotherapist in private practice for over 38 years. jdelpino@aol.com (215) 364-0139.