Letters to the Editors

I kid you not you really are allowed to write in

Dear Esteemed Editors, You call this a ‘Hallowe’en’ edition, despite only 13% of the articles being about Hallowe’en. The only scary thing about your magazine is the *frightful* lack of seasonal awareness.. P. D’Ántic.

Dear P. D’Ánt: I genuflect in apology as I write this, but I fear the feature may not show in writing. If it’s any consolation, you are welcome to contribute to our Bridgemas edition to balance out my article ranking Cambridge’s coffee shops by bougieness, or something like that.

To the indicted, It has come to my attention that your publication is bookended by a Horoscope. My extensive reading in involved theory tells me that astrology is, in effect, racism. The astrological conditions one was born under vary with the place on Earth in which one was born, rendering the institution intrinsically backward - did you not know that there is only one race, the human race? Not to mention the hopeless geocentrism of a conceptual framework that can apply only on one planet. How can Mercury be in retrograde for you if you were born on Mercury? I expect many readers found this segment offensive. Claretta Whyte-Sayvéure. Hmm.

To whom it may concern, I am somewhat, if I may say so, concerned by your failure to explicitly condemn ORANGE MAN BAD in your issue published so close to the U.S. elections. Orange man in fact bad, but I have not had this rammed down my throat while attempting to enjoy a spot of light humour with my afternoon tea. Your failure to endorse Black Lives Matter is also disgraceful. What gives? Surrey Dweller

Dear Mr. Dweller: Yes, well. You may think very nearly all Trinity students are anti-Trumpers, but new research from Travisty Analytica suggests that as few as 56% of Trinity students are Biden supporters. Isn’t that a bit low? A Biden fan might even want to increase that number. But at Travisty we endeavour to represent the student body at large: in fact we never try to tell you what to think, or send thinly veiled messages. As such we chose not to publish the obligatory moan about Trump.

Editors dearest, I am a great fan of your upstanding publication, which I have been following since several defundings ago. Thus I was distraught to find that a second issue would be online only, with no printed copy to leaf through while gnawing a hall sausage. I understand that Covid NHS R-number etc., but I fear I may not be able to go on much longer like this. Pteppic L. Reider

Mr. Reader, understandable though your anguish is, history is on the side of Travisty. You see in light of the upcoming second lockdown, our decision to stay online is vindicated. It in fact had nothing to do with sloth, and everything to do with epidemiological foresight.

Now listen here you, Contrary to the tone adopted in Mr. Ng’s article, satire is no laughing matter. The spread of fake news in publications such as yours is a scourge upon our society. I happen to know that satire is in fact completely superfluous: I’ve gone without for my whole life, and turned out none the worse for it. Matt Hancock

Thank you for your letter. We take your concerns seriously, and will endeavour to get back to you soon.