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Issue #5 - April 2011

AES’New Tiger Run Newspaper

Class of 2011 - IB Diplomas Revoked By Rudolph von VerMan The IBO Office in Singapore has decided that based on the overall reporting of CAS hours by the school, the Class of 2011 is no longer be eligible for IB Diplomas. Talon’s Post’s investigative reporter, yours truly Raggy Vermin, was there for the exclusive story. It was late Sunday night, and this reporter was standing outside the high school office, as usual. Through the glass, one could see IB Coordinator Mr. Tortease circling his office with a phone pressed against his ear. This reporter could not hear much except occasional stuttering comments such as “Is there anything we can do?” and “I have no recollection.” Nearby sat Sapna Single, her hands covering her face, tears streaming down her cheeks. Whispering too quietly to be overheard were Ms. Meth Biller and Mr. Timothy Buoyer, both of whom avoided eye contact with this reporter. Slowly, the dark figure known as Tortease put the phone down on the desk and came through the door to the waiting administrators. “We lost them; they won’t give them to us.” Single was inconsolable. Even this reporter had to wipe tears from his eyes before barging into the office and surprising the occupants with his amazing timing. Tortease, after regaining his composure, agreed to answer a few of my questions. “I knew I should have made weekly logs mandatory; once a month wasn’t enough,” he choked. Administrator Buoyer erupted into a fury and began to shuffle student report logs. “Piano lessons!? Taking showers!? Tortease, how did you not catch onto this?” Tortease rocked back and forth in a corner


and mumbled something that sounded like, “but my brilliant evaluations. . . . “ Unfortunately for AES seniors, the bad news only gets worse. On Monday the AES counseling department had to immediately inform universities of the new policy change. Some students, within minutes, received emails revoking their university acceptances. Others received emails deferring their rejections. One student, who preferred to remain unnamed, received a call from The University of Chicago admissions department where they, “made me listen to them set my application on fire.” By Monday afternoon, parents were storming the High School office with what appeared to be receipts in their hands. “I paid a thousand dollars for those [bleep] exams; where’s my money?” yelled one angry parent. The AES security staff had

to remove parents from the campus using shields and fencing swords. One battery case has been filed against the school. Not only parents and students, but also IB teachers were enraged. “The IBO is a sin that has plagued the AES community for far too long. It is time we move on,” said High School Biology teacher Mr. Electrolux. Ms. Dosa, Chemistry teacher, said that she had never seen anything like this in thirty years of teaching IB. In a sign of rebellion, the HL Chemistry class will conduct an AP lab in class today. Dr. Pretzel, School Director, had time for only a short comment. “In a time like this, I think it is good we remember one of my favorite Mary Oliver poems,” he began. Unfortunately, a rampaging parent threw a rolled-up copy of the AES mission statement and nearly hit Dr. Pretzel, causing him to run for cover.

Prom - Cancelled Due to Construction By Ajoop Namaravis “Prom” - the term brings to mind “a night to remember,” “a night under the stars,” or a “red carpet affair;” however, here is something that most AES students do not know: PROM 2011 WILL NOT HAPPEN. Some wonder where all the money for the construction of the new building is coming from; now Kitty’s Purr has the answer. The major prom planning and effort put in by the dedicated 11th grade ASC has been for nothing, for the AES Administration is, right under our eyes, confiscating the ticket proceeds to pay for construction of the new library and cafeteria. An inside source, “Shallow Tonsils,” told Kitty’s Purr of the master plan: “Board members have been taking the money from all ticket sales. Their plan is to send out an email, on April 15th, warning parents of the threats AES students face during Prom, due to skaters and MUN delegates roaming the streets.” Tonsils continued in a whisper, “At the last minute, AES Financial Director Dr. Less will announce that Prom is cancelled, explaining that the tickets are non-refundable due to “legal technicalities

that you laypeople wouldn’t understand.” AES Juniors and Seniors are reacting to this news with shock and anger. Junior JoJo Schnitzel said “I’m so upset; my servants have been embroidering my prom dress with beads since September! I was looking forward to this night so much! Ach, Du $#!(%!” Surprisingly, a few student responses were calm. Junior Boho Kimchi said, “I actually don’t mind that prom is cancelled,

I wasn’t going to go anyway – I didn’t have a date. Anyway, I would rather hang out at the new library.” The bottom line is that Prom 2011, the biggest event of this school year, will not happen. The only hope for some students to get a date has been crushed, unfeelingly, by the heartless Dr. Less and his School Board minions.

- First Class Catastrophe - New Prom DJ - Cafeteria Food Change - Club Feature: Fish Feeding - PDA Competition NEWS FEED

- Ms. Rosegarden Celebrates 1% College Acceptance of Seniors - APRIL WEATHER: Temperatures to drop back down to 5 degrees celsius. Winter is not over yet, don’t put the jackets away.



The ASC Prom Committee faced a chal-

The committee, according to its members, was desperate. They rapidly searched for talent across the subcontinent. An unex-

had threatened to slap her with a lawsuit if she didn’t say something nice. DJ Geer-Dawg, as she terms herself, is a recent addition to the music industry. Her newest record, “Genghis Khan’s Greatest Hits Remix 2011”, is a fresh and spirited collection of “sizzling beats”. Geer-Dawg, however, is also a social studies teacher at AES. She manages to balance her academic life with a passion for music.

said Sooja Pivaram, ASC representative. DJ Geer-Dawg, however, had other plans in mind, “Oh man I have so many ideas! Bismarck Beats, Techno Trenches… ah the ideas won’t stop,” said Geer-Dawg, apparently having overdosed on oregano.

“One of my greatest inspirations is my uncle. After he studied engineering for four years, he became a dentist in Hawaii. I know that you can change your path re-gardless of your back-ground in math,” GeerDawg explained, starting to rap her story. Some skeptical fans, such as Mr. KKK, argue that Geer-Dawg’s legal training permanently crippled her artistic ability. She, however, contests this: “There was many a night when I rapped the Barr exam format and created groovy mixes for my classmates.” DJ Geer-Dawg is extremely excited to serve as DJ for AES’ 2011 Prom. “I shed a tear when I found out, I’m so honored,” she said. lenge last weekend when DJ Gautam Kapur’s absence at the Malcha Marg Holi Party raised concerns about his health. DJ Kapur, subsequently, withdrew his talents from the Prom 2011 event that will be held in the exclusive Breezeway.

pected contender emerged. “We never thought she would even consider the position,” said Gaumya Sulati, ASC representative. “It is an absolute honor to have her on board,” added Paura Litale, ASC advisor, denying that the new DJ

The Prom Committee is interested in having Geer-Dawg remix songs by popular artists to create a playlist. “I think it would be best if she stuck to what’s known and what we know will work,”

Catastrophe: First-Class Emails By Shom PAA If you thought the WikiLeaks controversy was big, you’re going to be blown away by this one! For two bleak hours on March 23rd, 2011, a catastrophe struck the FirstClass portal at AES. On this Wednesday evening, 178,200 First-Class e-mails were randomly redirected due to a disastrous bug in the system. Students received confidential e-mails between teachers and administrators, while teachers were aghast at the profanity in e-mails never meant for their eyes. To make matters worse, names on the e-mails were randomly changed, fueling even more misunderstandings. Some teachers reported being permanently traumatized by the erroneous e-mails. According to Mr. Zbsrhwinski. , “I was preparing my lesson plans for the week after Break, when I heard the “ding” on first class. One of my stellar students wrote unspeakable things about me in an email intended for another student. She even confused the terms ‘supply’ and ‘demand . . . .” Zbsrhwinskiburst into tears and was unable to continue with the interview. Profanity in student emails alarmed many teachers. Ms. Modest said, “After reading some of the e-mails that were sent to me by mistake, my vocabulary definitely increased. I had never heard some of these words despite teaching HL English for so many years, and quite honestly, I now believe that ignorance is bliss.” . Mr. Yo, Social Studies teacher, said, “I had to cover my eyes because I’d never seen words like those before.” Students were in uproar due to the confidential information revealed by the First-Class malfunction. Tango Mango, a

Senior, said, “I got an e-mail from a member of the E.C. confessing to embezzling funds from Fall Fiesta. I am disgusted!” Mango continued, “As a member of the Service Council, I cannot believe that these powerhungry bureaucrats would buy iPads and LCDs for themselves instead of helping poor children.” Mango is organizing a revolt in front of the High School Office in which students will throw eggs at any E.C. member they see. She is also organizing a postrevolt cleanup and fundraising session for any damage caused by the egg-throwing. Some students were embarrassed rather than disgusted. Tanushka Gotya , a junior, said , “I was so nervous when my math teacher, Mr. Tortease, accused me of plagiarism. He told me that he saw an e-mail from me in which I confessed to getting an IIT graduate to write my Math IA for me. Thankfully, he realized that the bug on FirstClass changed the names of recipients and addressees, and so, that e-mail wasn’t mine.

Although…” She broke into a coughing fit disabling her from completing her sentence Another shocking discovery was that some teachers changed seniors’ grades at the end of First Semester “just for fun,”according to one teacher who chose to remain anonymous,. Apparently these changes did not show up on students’ Skyward due to the “invisible” feature. Roogu Vermeer, a Senior, said, “My eyes bled when I learned that my Biology teacher had taken 20% off my final semester grade. As a result, I have an F, even after I sacrificed 2 hours from YouTube everyday to study Biology. And the teacher had joked in an email that he “liked to see Seniors cry into their Open Hand lattes.” Mahahahahika Ninivasan, another senior, said, “I knew it!

No wonder I didn’t make it to Harvard!” Although some administrators suspect this mysterious bug to be this year’s “Senior Prank”, the class of 2011 emphatically denies these claims. Nevertheless, this disaster will have major consequences. The size of the AES community is expected to decrease dramatically in the next few days, due to expulsions and forced resignations. Mr. Boyish, High School Administrator, has threatened to “cancel the graduation elephant” if the class size decreases to below 50. Scandalous emails are still appearing, as witnessed by the frequent sobbing collapses of teachers or students near a laptop cart or in the Breezeway by Room 210. It will take a miracle to get things back to normal at AES.

SCHOOL NEWS Say Goodbye to French-Fries By Hawaii Junction There are only a few moments when students feel blissful at AES: the 20 minutes of break time after class and the 55 minutes of lunch time. In 2009, AES reduced the pleasure of lunchtime by deciding not to sell soft drink and snacks on the grounds of a deeper concern for student health. However, the unnaturally thin Education and Lifeless Students Committee has decided that that step was not enough

Colors will be brightly displayed on the wrapper of each food in question, so that students are DULY WARNED. As an incentive, the prices are doubling for

Along with the Cafeteria staff, parents and teachers have reached the conclusion that students need to eat even healthier food or pay the consequences. “The reason for the hour-long lunch is for students to have healthy food, not to have fun,” said Mrs. Manifesto, a committee member. To achieve this result, the cafeteria staff came up with an idea inspired by the American Manacled Association (AMA). AMA suggests a color-coded menu: Extremely healthy (blue) – healthy (green) – okay (yellow) – bad (orange) – junk (red). These levels are divided according to the measured level of endorphins in students’ brains after eating each food. Extremely healthy foods are those that register the lowest level of endorphins (severe depression), and the junk food is measured as that food with the highest endorphin levels (those that actually create bliss when eaten, like the Open Hand Brownie a la Mode).

the yellow food items and tripling for red food items. Mr. Aloowalla, Head of Food Services, said, “there will be unlimited supplies of broccoli for 10 rupees, but a handful of fries will cost 300 rupees.” With such exorbitant prices, will students be able to eat what they want?

By Burnally Banherplease

Xenase then began to meditate, only to be attacked by students throwing miniquiches from the refreshment tray. The situation escalated when Dr. Rob Hertzel, the school director, started flinging brownies back at students. In an attempt to restore order, the Health Office staff, summoned

The high school principal, Mr.Boier, simply responded: “No, in fact, by next year, students will have their Body Mass Index (BMI) measured on the first day of school and

monthly thereafter, and we will divide the students accordingly.”

This freedom should not be disregarded at AES.”

Students with high BMIs will report to the Health Office for Electroshock therapy before each lunch period. Students with mid-level BMIs (18-25) will be tied to the cafeteria wall during the lunch hour and fed from food scraps left on plates, while students with low-level BMIs (0-18) will be able to eat red-level foods at any time of day, unless and until their BMI reaches 18.

In response to the new cafeteria policy, the Counseling Office will be offering an afterschool BMI prep course. Students will take practice BMI tests and learn strategies for “fooling the scale,” such as standing on one foot or jumping up and down during the test. The course is guaranteed to improve results at a cost of only $100 per session..

Mr. Nugen, who is considered by many to be a hamburger lover, rejected the new menu system, despite his BMI measurement at -5. “It is ridiculous how they have decided to rob students of the only good thing in school: oily food.” Nugen continued, “Freedom of eating is he unpublished 11th Amendment in the U.S. Constitution..

School Assembly Issue Heats Up Board After numerous complaints about last Thursday’s assembly, the AES School Board held an emergency meeting Friday, March 25th, to discuss the importance of these weekly

gatherings. The result? Shameful. The meeting started on a calm note. Student representative Sari Fattar spoke first:“Students are too stressed out for these assemblies. Thursdays should instead give students a 30 minute period to catch up on work.” Fattar’s suggestion seemed to outrage Board members. Fashi Xenase, a Board member and devoted monk, said “What do you mean give this time for working? Thursdays are holy days and are auspicious for fasting in Judaism, Islam, and Hinduism. Clearly, assemblies should be cancelled so that students can spend more time connecting with their spiritual sides.”

by an emergency text message, wrapped themselves around the flailing arms of the board members and wrestled them to the ground. Senior Kickram Krumkar grabbed the fire extinguisher and sprayed everyone in an attempt to calm people down. “I’m an Arse, and don’t you forget it,” he yelled. Xenase, offended by a lack of support, started reading ,“And it came to pass on the eighth day…” Suddenly Board chairperson Rudy Matrachet, tackled her to the ground and covered her mouth with electrical tape. “Mphh nnt mmwq,” she continued. Suddenly, Junior Weasel Mahilton walked into the Board Conference Room, asking to

see Board member and high school math teacher Mickkel Mortiz. “I need help,” said Mahilton “I’m worried about the test on probability tomorrow.”

The cafeteria staff remains enthusiastic in the face of the upcoming struggle. “It won’t be that bad for students,” said Mr. Aloowalla, while juggling tomatoes, “It is a great opportunity for students to build a healthy lifestyle.” This system starts from the beginning of next year. As well-being and healthy diets have become the trend in the world, AES looks to be the trendiest school in Asia.

sion, Hertzel called for a vote. Hands were going up and down and back up again, as Hertzel attempted to count. Hertzel suddenly screamed, “AAAAGGGHHHHHAAAAAAAAAKKKJISSSSHASAIURHJKSHBy the time Mahilton finally left, the allotted KAJHS!!!!!!” and ran out of the BCR. For a time for the meeting had ended, but no moment no one spoke. Then Board Secdecision had been made on the assembly retary Vetsen Losnick said, “Any abstenquestion. In the interest of ending the ses- tions?”

SCHOOL NEWS Editor-in-Chief Resigns; Kitty’s Purr’s Final Issue Today By Rowor Sweep Jail Kitty’s Purr, formerly Talon’s Post, is sorry to report that this issue will be its last. Editor-in-Briefs Ragu Vermicelli has

actual issues. Also, Vermicelli said, “Why do anything now that I’m accepted at prestigious colleges?” According to Jeeali Banerman, “Kitty’s Purr is closing down because nobody has offered to take Ragu’s position.” Banerman and Gaar Payhsak both declined

year. “I don’t want to become crazy, like Ragu has become,” stated Payhsak. Furthermore, the change in mascot has generated a number of issues for the paper. “Talon’s Post is not going to happen anymore because of some random decision to change our mascot to a tiger? Have my name associated with a paper called Kitty’s Purr? No way. I can’t risk my future prestigious alma mater seeing that,” sighed Ragu. Some writers confessed that they had been writing nothing worth reading, anyway. “All I do is write about elephant’s

resigned from his position because he cannot take the pressure to produce

mating. Is that even newsworthy?” Farasoheluy Radhawanara stated. Even the faculty advisor, Ms. Ringue, admitted that the lack of enthusiasm during brainstorming sessions, along with working with the temperamental Ragu, have pushed her over the limit. “Half the time I have to force our writers at gunpoint to do their job. I don’t even have a permit. And the constant counseling sessions with Ragu during his Econ class are wearing me out. “ So loyal readers, enjoy this issue, for it will be the last.

Vermicelli’s position, after observing Vermicelli’s gradual decline throughout the

Dr. Hetzel Promoted to Full-Time Open Hand Employee By Woo Min Jin At last, the contract is officially signed. Last month Kitty’s Purr learned of rumors that Dr. Hetzel was surreptitiously leading a double life as AES Director and night shift Open Hand Café employee. Now the rumor has been confirmed. Since the beginning of the school year, Hetzel has scrubbed, dusted, vacuumed, mopped and polished the floors of the Café in hopes of acquiring Open Hand’s top secret recipe for the perfect pretzel. To reward his efforts, the owner of Open Hand decided to promote and acknowledge Dr. Hetzel as a full-time employee. According to the owner, “The entire crew at Open Hand has been deeply inspired and motivated by Bob’s dedication and diligence. We are delighted to have “Dr. Bob” join us daily!” Until the end of April, Dr. Hetzel will undergo an intense training program, learning the basics of managing 30 customers with only two square feet of counter space and, most importantly, baking the shop’s renowned goods. Also, Hetzel will be the

new face of Open Hand Café, in direct competition with “Julius Pringle” of the worldfamous Pringles chips. Preliminary survey results indicate that the new Dr. Hetzel café logo is an instant hit. Dr. Hetzel (“Just call me Café Bob”) also hopes to make some reforms to Open Hand Café. Inspired by the recent study in Norway demonstrating that daily rations of poetry lead to greater student achievement and overall happiness, he plans to institute a poetry competition during the café’s busiest times, before and after school. Students, parents, and teachers will recite original poems in an effort to win first place in line. This week Dr. Hetzel announced that, effective immediately, he will hold office hours at Open Hand rather than inside that “big ol’ stuffy office.” Furthermore, following his training, Hetzel is hoping to represent AES at the International Café Bake-Off this summer in Mumbai. According to unnamed sources, Hetzel has been dominating Board meetings with 3-D powerpoint presentations of his new creation, the “Hetzel Pretzel.”

OPINION Letter to the Editor DEAR TALON’S Post Editor in Chief,

Since I began teaching at AES 15 years ago, I have seen many of my students flourish intellectually; however, after reading recent issues of your newspaper, I began to get little worry wrinkles. I have always had faith in AES’s capability to produce a good crop from our little seedlings, but the IB exam is making our students work too hard and I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown just thinking about it. Why even in the elementary level, the fifth graders have begun to fail all their tests “on purpose” just to make sure they do not move into high school. And a little bird told me that the entire Middle School has left town for the same reason.

Sick Skaters Scare Students BY SURUJ (Naughtso) Friendly

Recently, a group of Oregon skaters visited AES as part of their mission to raise aware-

ing through blood puddles on their way to the office. Most of the Oregon skaters have decided to

To address this grave problem, the teachers at the elementary school have brainstormed some solutions. Below is a list of “action steps” that we feel should be implemented school wide to relieve the growth-stunting burden that is dimming our shining stars: • All students should have nap times every 2 hours

• All students should have yoga lessons every morning • The entire AES Community should chant Om fifty times in unison, whenever a student has to turn off Facebook Chat to do homework. • At every corner of campus, there should be a station where SpongeBob Squarepants coloring books and crayons are free to borrow and use at all times • During all lunches, Disney soundtracks should be played in the Breezeway • There should be sharing time during the 20 -minute breaks where children can share their frustrations with “Team Hug” volunteers. • The grading system should be changed to one in which any completed work is rewarded using colored stars: yellow, green, orange, blue, red and gold. Implementing these ideas would allow students to embrace their creativity and eventually attain intellectual nirvana. Joining hands with students, faculty and administrators, we’ll be able to preserve the innocence, happiness and love our lovable bundles of joy represent to the world. Sincerely, Mr. Warm ‘n’ Fuzzie, AES Kindergarten Support Teacher and Member of “Team Hug” (With Reporter Gaumya Sulati)

ness about skating all across India. Skaters were enchanting students in front of the breezeway and in front of the MS/HS library. They were coasting around and twirling the skate boards between their sick Pro SB’s like nobody’s business. The most popular act was when skaters would lie down on the ground and one of the skaters would skate towards them at a scorchingly fast speed and leap over them. Suddenly things went horribly wrong. Their acts were coming to a close when the first skater tripped and fell. That first trip seemed to happen in slow motion. As the skater sent out his forearm below him to break his fall, you could see every middle school student’s lips quiver and turn down with grief. And that was only the first fall. By the tenth fall, groups of middle school students were heading to their counselors for emergency group therapy sessions, splash-

extend their stay in India, due to being hospitalized at Primus. Mr. Girler, High School Principal, who planned to bring plants to each and every skater as a gift from AES, attempted to skate over to Primus and ended up in the emergency room with a broken wrist. “Dang,” said Girler, “I thought I was busting some moves.” One of the skaters, Rodney MoJo, has actually been reported to have permanent brain damage. Doctors said that Mojo won’t be able to skate or even walk and talk for a year, but he responded, “Forget that. Last year I skated with two broken ankles and a ruptured appendix.” Unfortunately, AES students are now less enthusiastic about skating than ever. “I used to be really big into skating, but seeing how dangerous it is has really frightened me”, stated Awesome Lawl. Said Mojo, “Wimp.”

SPORTS AND ENTERTAINMENT PDA Competitors Tangle at AES By Gauti Kapu and Shom PAA It’s the start of something new. It feels so right. It’s that time again, the annual Public Display of Affection tournament. From the

panel of PDA veterans will be elected from the AES community to make the final verdict. “Creativity is critical in the art of PDA. Athletes must ensure that their technique involves both variety and perseverance,”

practice sessions during AM Break to obtain the following brief comments. start of Valentine’s Day until AES Prom, students participate in the tournament, trying their best to win the grand prize of an all expense paid trip to the Hyatt for a romantic dinner for two. This year has seen an unprecedented increase in participants. On all four sides of the school, visible from all angles, PDA athletes are working to improve their stamina and muscular capacity. Recently, the IB coordinator approved PDA activity for IB CAS hours. Mr. Tortease said, “I’m excited! This is the first time that one activity can contribute to all three categories – creativity, action and service.” In fact, these criteria will be used to assess and select the winner of the tournament. A

noted one of the experts. “Surprise is the key if you want to take down the opposition,” added another expert. As far as the Service aspect, AES awardwinners have volunteered to introduce the larger Indian community to the art of PDA. Junior Snickers Hastmogi said, “PDA can help one attain spiritual enlightenment.” Other less spiritual students are interested in helping others master the athletic aspect of PDA. “It’s the perfect sport. It involves aggression, stamina, concentration, intuition, and finesse,” said Rich Kala, a Junior. This year we have great new contestants, mainly from the sophomore class. This reporter was able to interrupt PDA

Fool Proof April Fool’s Pranks By Meow Mix 1. TELL your English teacher that you copied your entire IA from 2.

ORDER a pregnancy test by mail

and send it to your best friend, care of his/ her parents. 3.

PUT lead weights into your par-

ent’s life jacket when you go through “The Wall” on a whitewater raft. 4. CALL your grandmother and tell her that you are terminally ill. 5. TAKE a candy bar from a store and tell the police to arrest you so they can drive you home and impress your neighbors. 6.

CALL your parents in the middle

of an important work meeting and tell them you’re in the Emergency Room, pretending to cry hysterically, pause, and then say “April Fool!” 7. DARE your five-year-old sister to pick up a baby monkey in front of its mother. 8. THROW a few marbles into the gravy if your family goes out to dinner tonight, and impress them with your “April Fool’s Heimlich Maneuver.” 9. SEND a letter from “The Counselor” to your favorite AES Senior’s top college choice, telling the college that that student is a pathological liar. 10.


WEAR a bike helmet on a first

“My boyfriend and I are only doing this to help underclassmen put up a great fight this year,” said Eminina Stew, a sophomore. Added Sophomore Robo Vegas, “If we win this year, my girlfriend and I will be ecstatic. I can’t wait to have a romantic dinner at the Hyatt!” However, some disgruntled sophomores have complained about the unprecedented level of competition. “If you go to the side of the floor closest to the breezeway, you will see five to six couples exercising simultaneously! It’s unfair!” said BMW Lanrow, a sophomore. On the other hand, this has encouraged athletes to outdo their opposition. “Seeing the other couples out there practicing inspires me to

beat the odds and win this one,” said Keyren Chef, a sophomore. Even at this late stage of the competition, new couples are joining the fray. “We think we can win. Experience is our forte!” said Abhay Tagtag and Noodle Sacknaina, seniors. “My partner and I are seniors. We’re not only more confident, but more comfortable with PDA after years of observing AES techniques,” said Korner McPork. AES administrators are even considering an offer to televise this year’s PDA tournament. Participation is at an all time high, and students are more passionate about this year’s tournament than ever before. “This is a true display of school spirit. In fact, we’re hoping to introduce the tournament to MESAC next year,” said Mr. Beefleton, the athletic director.

SPORTS AND ENTERTAINMENT Social Studies Department Secret Finally Revealed By Burnally Banherplease Every August, new students come out of H309, flabbergasted. What IS the secret behind Mr. Nugget’s hair? “At first, I just assumed he was an alien and could defy earth’s gravity,” said Shrewd Pal, a junior in Mr. Nugget’s History of Anarctica class. This was the general first impression that people had of the amazing phenomenon that is Nugget’s hair. He HAD to be from Neptune or something; there simply wasn’t any other explanation for it. However, as time went by, and people started accepting the fact that Mr. Nugget was, in fact, a human being, there was an outbreak of hair theories in the high school. Vleenuk Rasna, a sophomore, said, “It has to be done manually. I think he stands under a giant suction machine in the morning and lets his hair stand up.” Rasna’s friend, Tlanny Buckscram, another sophomore, argued, “No way. It’s a mini alien sitting on top of his head. I’ve seen it move and heard it make noises at times.” Diehard Spiderman fans were convinced that Nugget was infused by radioactive shampoo. “I’ve even seen him injecting himself with a syringe marked RA Pantene, and I’m convinced that is the special ingredi ent that makes his hair stick up,” said Junior Grack Cokelarr. Alternatively, Disney fans suggested that Nugget is perhaps a descendant of movie

characters. Ronna kuSuka, a Junior, said “Blonde, he’d look exactly like the boy in Meet the Robinsons.” Sophomore Limely Westart disagreed, “No way, he looks like Syndrome, the villain in The Incredibles.” Asked about the phenomenon, Nugget at first refused to comment. However, this reporter persisted. Kitty’s Purr readers needed to know. Secretly hidden in Nugget’s classroom before school last week, this reporter saw Nugget arrive at 8:27, remove a metal rod from his closet, and connect it to a power outlet. Immediately,

the current lit up Nugget’s form, and his hair exploded outwards and upwards. After about 20 seconds, he collapsed to the floor, but the job was done. His hair flowing in all directions, Nugget took a wooden comb from his desk and ran it upwards through his now-sizzling hair. Sighing with relief, he gazed into a mirror at the now ceilingpointed “do.” Hair in place, Nugget straightened the tapeline around his desk and prepared to meet the day. Little did he know that his secret had been discovered. COMPARE -->

Artist of the Month: Soulja Boy By the Writer Known as Asim This edition of Artist of the Month features the archetypal Soulja Boy, a young man who is easily the epitome of hip-hop music and all it has to offer. Born as DeAndre Way, he moved to Atlanta, Georgia at the age of six. At age fourteen, he moved to Batesville, Mississippi, with his father, who provided a recording studio for Way to explore his musical ambitions. In September 2007, Way released the hit song “Crank That (Soulja Boy)”, which instantly put him at the same level of rappers such as Method Man, Eminem, and even the late Notorious BIG. In fact, writers of magazines such as Entertainment Weekly revel in Way’s success and say that he is nothing close to a one-hit wonder. It helps me sleep at night knowing that the state of the music industry is in Soulja Boy’s hands as he pioneers the charts. With Way as the king of the music industry, the real roots of hip-hop are secure. Groups such as A Tribe Called Quest and Wu-Tang Clan hold a very firm belief that he will not sell out and make mainstream and commercial beats that are perfect for ringtones. He is too true to the music. There really is no other artist like him. His music is original and his beats seem to be contrived out of drum beats never heard in the hip-hop community. Many zealots of the hip-hop genre say that DeAndre has surpassed producers like DJ Premier and

Dr. Dre in his ability to produce wonderful hip-hop beats, and I cannot help but agree. Moreover, his dance accompanying the song “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” has contributed greatly to keeping kids out of jail; to such an extent that DeAndre Way was recently awarded a community humanitarian award in Atlanta, and New York City. It seems that Way is one of the only rappers to ever pick up a mic and influence both the music scene and a larger community. There are great rappers like The Game, who is famous for his depictions of gang violence and the ghetto lifestyle. However, he has done very little to help those less fortunate than him. Thus, it is a blessing that such a masterful musician has contributed so much to the world. “I was shocked when I found out that Soulja Boy wasn’t part of Wu-Tang Clan. To be honest, I thought he was a reincarnation of Tupac,” said Samrat, another famous musician. His song “Pretty Boy Swag” gave Way an enviable reputation. With lyrics such as “I’m pretty boy swagging, in the club I’m looking sexy,” it is undeniable that Way indeed is the definition of the “Pretty Boy.” Artists who have created rough and tough images like DMX and 50 Cent are mourning that they themselves have taken the wrong path and are now unable to swag as prettily as Soulja Boy. “I look up to Soulja Boy in every possible way. I really strive to get that pretty boy swag, and I hope that it

helps me pick up all the lovely ladies,” said Ztefan “El Caliente” Wonblon. Every night before I go to bed, I pray to God that maybe one day, I will have half the swag and brilliance that DeAndre Way has

in one of his fingers. “He has the body of a god,” said Junior Wannabe G-Money Kapur. Soulja Boy is the future of music but also appeals to hip-hop fans from the 80’s and 90’s. Everything that good music stands for is safe and sound in the hands of Soulja Boy.

SPORTS AND ENTERTAINMENT Pick Up Lines That Actually Work Crossword

My name is Justin. Justincredible. You must be tired because you’ve been running through my head all night If you were a booger I’d pick you first. There is something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn’t have your number in it. You dropped something. [What?] My jaw.



EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Raghav Verma LAYOUT EDITOR: Manali Banerjee


OPINIONS EDITOR: Shompa Choudhury

NEWS EDITOR: Gautam Kapur

WRITERS: Anushka Bhatia, Rohan Goel, Komali Yashki, Saumya Gulati, Asim Lal, Pooja Sivaraman, Haewon Jeong, Manali Banerjee, Gautam Kapur, Shompa Choudhury, Raghav Verma, Suruj Pal, FACULTY ADVISOR: Ms. Guerin EMAIL US AT

Issue 5  

Our April Fools Issue

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