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parent trap College:] The Holy Grail by dr. tim jordan many kids today have been fed the following mantra since they were toddlers: Work your hardest 24/7 so that you can get into a good high school; get straight A’s so you can go to an elite college; graduate with a 4.0 GPA so you can get a good job; get this perfect job so you can make a lot of money. Sound familiar? This has become their Holy Grail. I have a lot of problems with this mindset. For one thing, young kids should not have ‘becoming rich’ as their goal. Research has shown that people whose primary focus is making money are unhappier and unhealthier than the rest of us. Another issue with this mantra is that it’s just not true. For instance, going to an elite college rather than a ‘good’ college does not significantly improve financial success or lifetime happiness. In Richard Settersten’s 2010 book, Not Quite Adults, he points to findings that show, “without controlling for family background, SAT scores, or family income, lifetime earnings rarely reflect where students go to college. What they do reflect is whether or not they have a degree.” People with a bachelor’s degree will earn, on average, 54 percent more than people without a college degree. It’s true that only about 25 percent of 25- to 34-year-olds have a college degree and 5 percent have a masters or professional degree. So like most aspirations throughout history, it’s mostly the upper class living out this dream, while the majority of the population sees the college degree as something to aspire to. It worries me that adults have such unrealistic expectations for kids, i.e., everyone should be getting straight A’s, make the best select sports teams, etc. Anything less than the best is considered a failure. Most parents won’t actually say this out loud, but kids feel the pressures. By the time our 18-year-olds leave the nest, they have internalized these expectations. It’s no wonder they become fixated on searching for the best colleges, the best degree, the ideal job and the perfect mate. And it’s no wonder our 20-somethings feel stuck and confused. Is college important? Yes, but certainly not for all. And it is certainly not the end-all we make it out to be. We need to have realistic expectations. The highest GPA and top school do not mean you’ve ‘won,’ at least not when it comes to happiness and fulfillment. Culturally, we need to provide more and better alternatives to the four-year degree and value them. And even more important and value kids developing their ‘inner résumés,’ things like social and emotional intelligence, an internal compass, and self-confidence. I’d hate to see young people attaining this Holy Grail we’ve set out for them only to discover they’ve missed out on an authentic, fulfilling life. Tim Jordan, m.d., is a behavioral pediatrician who counsels kids in grade school through high school. for more information, go to weloki.com
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march 7, 2012