The Edge Magazine March 2018 by webwax

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EDGE

the

MARCH 2018

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

ISSUE NO: 257

Y- 3 COLMAR STONE ISL AND C . P. C O M PA N Y RALPH LAUREN EMPORIO ARMANI NUDIE JEANS ALPHA IND. FORÉT MALLET NEW COLLECTIONS

BOND

STREET

CHELMSFORD

www.zagger.co.uk

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Telephone 01245 348256

Mobile: 077 646 797 44

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Afternoon Teas now available at both restaurants 12noon - 4pm A fine selection of Teas and Coffees, accompanied by a selection of finger sandwiches, Chefâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s homemade cakes, pastries and freshly baked scones with jam, strawberries and cream, and a glass of Champagne plus 50% off selected Cocktails.

Package 1 ÂŁ6pp: Why Not Add a Boat Trip with your Afternoon Tea, Lunch or Early Dinner

SEE OUR WEBSITE FOR OUR 2018 MENUS ONLINE Package 2: 90 minute Boat Trip with Afternoon Tea on board (See Website for Price details)

Package 3:

Our menus change monthly. Please check online for updates and availabilities.

Our Magician and Mind reader will be there to Entertain and Mesmerise every Sunday including Motherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Day on March 11th

Champagne or Prosecco and Canapes on board (See Website for Price details) Boat Trip Packages 2 & 3 apply to Min. 8 people Max. 10 People. Available from 1st April, please ask for further details. Sailing Times: Tuesday - Saturday 11am - 6pm Sunday 11am - 4pm

Menus online

AFTERNOON TEA AVAILABLE IN LE BENAIX GARDENS, WEATHER PERMITTING Stay & Dine in our Boutique Hotel and Fine Dining Restaurant From ÂŁ75pp*

Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re in the Top 7 Restaurants in Essex and our Hotel is ranked in the top 3% best in the world!*

Includes cream tea on arrival, 3 course candlelit dinner, a glass of Champagne each, and breakfast. *Stay and dine offer for a minimum of 2 guests. Menus online now.

A La Carte, Bar & Set Menus available at both restaurants LUNCH: Monday - Saturday, Midday to 2.30pm. Lunch is not served at Le Bouchon on Mondays. DINNER: Monday - Saturday 5.30pm. Last orders taken 9.30pm. Sunday Lunch 12 - 5pm.

20% early dining discount at both restaurants Gift Vouchers available for both restaurants Ideal presents for Afternoon Tea, Stay & Dine, or Christmas.

On orders taken between 5.30 - 6.30pm. Discount limited to a maximum booking of 8 people. Discount is only applicable when orders placed before 6.30pm.

This has been achieved after only 4 years at Le Bouchon and a staggering 12 months at Le Benaix! This is all due to the hard work of all our staff and particularly the efforts put in by our kitchen staff led by Six Michelin Star Trained Chefs.

Available in The Orangery and private dining areas of both Le Bouchon and Le Benaix. Can accommodate 10 to 50 people. Function menus and drink packages available.

*In a survey by Trip Advisor & Hotels Combined

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Best restaurant in Essexâ&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Brilliant fine dining restaurantâ&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;WOW! WOW! and WOW!â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be out of place in Mayfairâ&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Deserves a Michelin starâ&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;As good as Dubaiâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s best restaurantâ&#x20AC;? AS RECOMMENDED ON:

Cannot be used in conjunction with any other offer.

LE BOUCHON BRASSERIE & HOTEL

Le Benaix and Le Bouchon are now in the top 7 Best Restaurants in Essex! A recent study by Trip Advisor has found that we were voted in the Top 7 out of 4500 Restaurants in Essex!

Private Functions

The Square, Holloway Road, Heybridge, Maldon CM9 4LT &95fglhg5nkl5kgg5R5 (+/#,# -H& )/ ")(8 )8/%5R51118& )/ ")(8 )8/%

LE BENAIX BRASSERIE & BAR

ALL MENUS ARE AVAILABLE ONLINE

Main Road, Rettendon, Chelmsford, Essex CM3 8DY &95fghjk5onmnnn5R5 (+/#,# -H , -- ,# ( #28 )'5R51118 , -- ,# ( #28 )'

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http://theedgemag.co.uk/blog/subscribe/ receivetheedgedirectto yourtabletorcough mixtureorlaptopor whereverthehellyou wanttoreceiveit withoutleaving yourhomeoryour officeoryour deckchair. it’sverysimple. allyouneedtodo isSUBSCRIBE OPEN 7am-5pm Sandwich Bar

Monday - Friday Finest Quality Food

Bagels . Grilled Baguettes . Salads . Soups Jacket Potatoes . Muffins . Hot Wraps Teacakes . Toast . Coffees . Herbal Teas Fresh food made to order 20 Market Road, Chelmsford, CM1 1XA. TEL: 01245 257 239

Danny Hammond of Training Space - fitness guru extraordinaire - see page 12. For all caricatures please email: benchurchett@aol.com Facecock: Ben’s Custom Prints Website: Benscustomprints.com Instagram: Ben’s Custom Prints Twitter: @BenLOFC

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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MUMBLING

The Edge Editor’s Column F1 DITCHES ‘GRID GIRLS’ The unfortunately named Charlotte Gash, a former part-time grid girl, said that she was “absolutely disgusted” with F1’s decision to do away with its dolly birds in the pits. “It’s very upsetting and I am rather bemused that F1 have given in to the minority in order to be, let’s face it, politically correct,” she said. “I appreciate the grid girls are out there to look pretty, but they love doing it and many jobs will be lost as a consequence. “The question is, what are people offended by? I’m sure it’s because it’s only women who undertake such a role.” Let’s face it, that’s the crux of the matter, isn’t it. And I doubt anyone wants to introduce male models to even things up a bit, so best we just do away with the girls, then no-one will be offended. If anyone (really) ever was. Personally speaking, I always thought the grid girls were the most exciting thing about F1, because the rest of it makes me drowsy.

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When I was a kid and I heard old people talking to themselves, I used to think they probably had a slate loose, or something. Only these days, I’ve definitely started to join their club, even though I still don’t consider myself to be old in the strictest sense of the word. Example. I was walking into Sainsbury’s the other day when an old woman had taken the liberty to stop with her trolley immediately inside one of the entrance doors to turn her hearing aid up, or somesuch. All the stupid old trout had to do was walk a few extra paces and there wouldn’t have been a problem. But no, she stopped slap bang in th middle of the doorway, immediately causing a blockage, and I’m immediately muttering ‘You stupid old twat’ as I’m maneuvering my trolley around her. And yes, those words weren’t in a thought-bubble; they were actually coming out of my mouth.

NISSAN Nissan have brought out a brand new car called a Leaf and I’m simply going to leave it at that as I fervently believe no more needs to be said about the matter.

MRI SCAN My thanks to the three lovely girls who looked after me at Broomfield Hospital recently when I had a MRI scan for my well-dodgy lower-back. I’m just waiting on the results now, so my fingers are crossed it’s nowt too serious.

PYEONCHANG Watching the Winter Olympics (for all of five minutes) I was amazed to discover that those folks doing the curling wear some kind of flat IBS (indoor bowling shoe) that amazingly enables them to slide about on the ice. I would have honestly loved a pair of those

when we used to make ‘slides’ of ice in the school playground way back when I was a kid during torrid Yorkshire winters. So the question begs, why do we even have dangerous looking ice-skates at all, if these comfy looking ‘carpet slippers’ do a similar job?

LITTER LOUT I picked a discarded train ticket up off the floor just before I entered Costa Coffee outside Chelmsford railway station the other day, as hey, that’s the kind of guy I am (I honestly detest litter), only I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read what was printed on it. It was a peak travel first-class return ticket between Chelmo and Liverpool Street and the price was an astronomical fifty quid. Jeez, you’d think people who can afford that sort of money would be folks of a certain standing in life, wouldn’t you? Rather than common litter louts.

3 FOOT PEEPS FESTIVAL Calling all young mums and dads: tickets for this years 3 Foot People Festival go on pre-sale as of Monday 5th March at 10am. This year’s event will once again be held at Hylands Park on 26th, 27th and 28th June. The pre-sale is available online to Leisure Plus cardholders only for but a 24hr period. Please contact Chelmsford City Council for further details.

RED PEPPER Have you ever opened up a red pepper, or any other coloured pepper come to that, and it’s like it’s got a bloody alien living inside it? I just have and it was all a bit Sigourney Weaver and John Hurt (i.e very surreal indeed). THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 01245 348256

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! ! ! the! Civic ! ! Theatre ! to! see !she who ! got Went to ! of! the ! jungle ! first ! (she ! ! was that! pop! voted out ! !her! other campmates ! ! ! in the last ular !with ! A Celebrity...’) ! ! ! one Friday series of! ‘I’m ! ! ! ! ! evening last!month, !readers. ! !I go though, ! ! I definitely ! want to ! be Next time ! seated in the circle,! rather than! the! stalls, as ! ! ! ! the view from up there is !superb. ! ! ! what And! even! Shappi ! mentioned ! ! a lovely ! Civic !! ! and theatre our !very! own ! ! was !! how warm ! ! ! ! !! ! as! an! !audience. ! ! ! we! Chelmsfordians were ! she ! went!! on! to !say that! she’d ! So when had ! ! ! ! fathers, ! ! by! two! !separate ! I !took ! two children ! ! ! ! out ! !in what ! I ! !‘SLAG!’ the opportunity to! shout ! would! come ! ! across ! ! ! as a!! jovial ! hoped !! fashion, !! ! ! ! be too ! !! ! ! ! can! never but you how Iranians ! ! sure ! ! ! sort of !! thing,! can !! you? will! take that ! !Or ! any ! !! !! !! to ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! nationality, other come !! !that. ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!that ! ! So do!! keep ! ! an eye ! !!out for!! something ! ! ! ! your ! !! at! the ! !! ! readers, ! ! boat’ ! Civic, ! !!! !! as might ‘float ! ! ! ! ! a! better ! ! ! class ! ! ! ! do! get ! ! ! ! punter you!!really ! ! ! ! !! ! of ! ! ! in ! ! ! ! ! !! there! (I! was surprised, and pleasantly so). ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! And, if! !you’ll ! ! take !! this ! ! ! mag’s ! you’ll ! ! !advice, ! ! !also ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! take ! ! the ! !! ! !opportunity ! ! !to! have !! ! a! couple ! of! !jars ! ! ! ! ! ! ! and! a! bite to eat in The Ship beforehand. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! and ! ! ! ! ! ! I did had their Chicken Madras. Yum-yum! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !!! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! !! ! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!!!! ! !!!! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! !!!! ! !! ! K ! ! ! H!! O ! !R! S ! ! D! I !!! ! !! ! ! ! A!!N ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! !! !!! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! !!! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! !!! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! !! !! !!! ! ! !! !!! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! !!!! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! !! ! !

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If there’s one TV commercial that really gets my goat, it’s the Ellie Goulding ad for Pantene Pro-V, whatever that is, although at a guess I’d say it’s got to be something to do with hair, as the producers certainly get her to swish hers about enough. But it’s the whole ‘Ellie does Boxing’ gig that really naffs me off. Because does she? Does she really? The Edge hasn’t bothered to check, but it somehow looks as though she’s never put on a pair of boxing mitts in her entire life before someone offered her a fair few grand (no doubt more than the majority of us earn in a year) to prance about a bit and throw a few jabs into camera. I mean, is this TV commercial honestly impressing any of us? When I see something that looks completely out of kilter, it immediately makes my skin crawl. She’s a singer, for gawd’s sake. Sure, she probably keeps fit (maybe/perhaps) in her private life, but does she box is the real question? Because one thing’s for sure, you do not look like Ms Goulding looks in this particular commercial when you do. For a start, you get pretty sweaty (okay, so I accept that I am prone to perspiration, but I’ve done a boxercise class or three in my time and one thing’s for certain, I always end up dripping wet). So this business about Ellie looking as fresh as a daisy, as cool as a cucumber and as fragrant as a crafty Meghan Markle fart, simply doesn’t sit well with The Edge. I also hate what she’s wearing, although perhaps that’s just my own personal opinion. Having said that, I sincerely hope it’s not and that you good readers hate the whole shebang of this charade every bit as much as I do. Because they’re trying to mug us off and get us to buy their product, when obviously I for one will certainly not be doing. So who’s to blame here? Well, it’s no doubt some prick at Pantene who employed some prick with a movie camera and then whatever prick signed it off and thought it fit to put in front of us. But then maybe it’s just me as it’s been a good 25 years since I last had to consider what I washed my hair with (and yes, I did Act normal, for gawd’s sake, and stop swishing wash it with Fairy Liquid a time or two). your hair about like a preening magpie. Verdict: PANTS!

We provide reliable and cost effective leaflet, booklet, menu and magazine door drop distribution. Distribute4u offer packages to suit every budget. Our clientbase ranges from well known High Street brands to tradesmen, local leisure centres, estate agents etc. WHY? Because leafleting works for all types of businesses! We cover Chelmsford and the surounding area, plus SS, RM and IG postcodes. Check out our website for more information and our Blog tips on what to include on your leaflet. 10% discount on your very first order when you mention The EDGE! Vacancies in your area - apply today on the Distribute4u website www.distribute4u.info Telephone: 0795 723 6299 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 01245 348256

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We were lucky enough to be invited to the Riverside Inn for the launch of Andi Walker’s take-over. Following the big success of his recent pop-up, Andi has become a permanent ! 2018, fixture at the Riverside !Inn from January showcasing his new bistro inspired menu. ! ! !

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So who is Andi Walker? ! ! ! Andi first entered the public eye! after ! appearing ! ! ! on ‘MasterChef the Professionals’ back ! !in 2015 and becoming a semi-finalist. Before ! ! that, !he ! ! at held the Head Chef position at The! Woodford ! ! ! ! Kings College Cambridge. He has !also had ! ! ! ! in experience in a three-AA-rosette! restaurant !! ! ! hosted Suffolk. Since MasterChef, Andi has ‘The Noise of Strangers’ pop-up event! in! Leeds,! as !! and serving an exclusive well as! creating " ! ! ! ! ! two-night event ! autumn menu at a! fully-booked ! ! in ! central ! Paris. ! !At the ! beginning ! ! at Café Otto of ! ! 2017,! he also ! reached ! !the finals ! in! the October ! the! Essex ! ! of! the Year’ ! ! ! ! Life ! ‘Chef category at ! ! ! ! Awards. ! !! ! ! ! ! Food &! Drink

! ! ! !

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!! !

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! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! The Big! Launch Andi’s new set up sees the restaurant being split ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! into three distinct areas, with! three completely ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! different menus. There will be bar snacks and ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! little bites in the bar area, a full gastro menu on ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! the! ground floor !dining area, and the !continua! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! tion of the 7-course tasting menu upstairs. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! The! tasting! menu and ! ! ! is !set! to run on ! Friday ! Saturday ! ! !whilst ! ! and ! !bar !! menu ! ! !nights !! !! the! Gastro ! ! will run ! ! ! For !those ! !!throughout ! ! !the week. ! ! of! you who have ! !the Riverside ! ! visited ! ! Inn ! before, ! ! !you will! probably to ! ! notice ! ! a! few! decorative! changes ! the! upstairs, but generally it maintains the same ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! distinctive ! feel. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! some Our !evening ! ! started !! with ! complimentary ! ! ! bubbles, or! !cocktails, continued ! ! !! which ! ! through! out,! with! the bar! area! full of friends ! family, ! ! ! and ! ! local press. been ! ! In! total! there ! ! must! have ! around ! ! 70 !people ! ! !present ! ! and ! unfortunately ! ! ! the ! canapes a little ! ! were ! ! light !in the !area that! we ! ! ! That ! said, those ! ! we did ! manage! to were seated. ! were ! ! delicious ! ! ! and ! they! were showcasing ! ! ! grab ! ! ! bar ! ! snacks. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Andi’s wonderful

!! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !a crisp ! coating, ! Ham Hock in breaded accom! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! !

panied by a mustard mayo, was very tasty ! and ! the ! first ! ! piece ! of ! meat ! I !had eaten indeed ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! since! Christmas !(yes, really)! ! The! meat was so ! ! still moist, ! ! maintaining ! ! the soft and tender, but ! crispy breadcrumb coating. I can see why this is ! ! ! menu ! ! !as they went! down ! so on the bar snacks ! ! and! I can certainly ! ! picture ! !having a very easily ! ! ! !with them next ! time ! ! we visit ! the ! few drinks ! ! Riverside Inn socially. Similarly, there was ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! breaded monkfish with a tartar sauce. I have ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! always been a big fan of monkfish, so it certainly ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! did not disappoint. Monkfish has a real meaty ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! texture to it and is quite a robust fish. It had ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! been cooked really ! ! ! well ! so that it !was still soft and fell ! apart ! in! the !mouth and ! ! tasted! perfect !

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!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! with ! ! ! sauce. # ! ! the accompanying !! ! ! ! pot ! of ! tangy ! !! tartar ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! There also ! were ! ! !samples ! ! of ! the !‘Essex ! ! sausage ! roll’. ! Now this ! ! is definitely ! none of! you! Greggs ! ! mass! produced stuff. ! !! ! This !had to! be one !of the! best !sausage rolls I have had in a long time. The pastry ! was ! perfectly ! flaky ! !and had ! a sweet ! ! was !well ! ! seahoney ! ! coating,! whilst ! the !meat soned ! ! and !!tasted ! ! deliciously ! ! ! fresh ! and ! home! made. marvelous! ! Dipped! in brown ! ! sauce, ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I also some ! spotted ! !! ! southern ! ! ! fried! chicken and ! ! ! ! squash !! ! ! circling ! ! outside !! butternut bahjis just of ! and ! ! ! !! ! but! unfortunately ! ! our particular vicinity, ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! frustratingly, I couldn’t quite get to them through ! ! ! thong. ! ! They ! ! were! literally flying off the massed ! !! ! ! ! chance! ! ! ! the trays !and I! had absolutely no ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! the ! !bread ! marmite! butter ! was Meanwhile and ! ! ! !to be a big, ! !big! hit. Well,! it was ! for also proving ! ! !! as I am definitely a marmite lover, me personally !! ! ! filled myself ! ! ! !up with ! so !I could !have honestly ! ! ! bread ! ! with marmite ! ! !and butter ! ! soft fresh ! ! ! all over !it. ! ! ! !! slathered ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! as !he was I eventually found ! Andi by the kitchen ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! plating up desserts. ! ! !His raspberry cheesecake ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! topped the evening off nicely; not too rich, bursts ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! really nice creamy of sharp raspberry and a ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! undertone. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Yes, I would recommend giving ! !definitely ! ! ! the! ! !! ! ! Riverside ! ! !Inn a go. It! seems! a drastic ! improve! ment on previous food to have come ! ! any of ! the ! ! ! ! ! ! ! the from this bring ! venue and ! ! Andi ! ! !will definitely ! ! ! place up to be to compete ! !to where ! it! needs ! ! ! ! ! ! with to eat ! the ! ! ever-growing ! ! ! range of restaurants ! out at !in! Chelmsford. ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! A Few! Words! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! During the! organised chaos! of the evening, I ! ! ! managed ! !to! grab ! !a few quick ! words ! ! with the ! man himself. ! ! !Andi! is ! a truly !genuine ! guy.! He has worked his ! ! menus ! ! ! around ! fresh, ! ! seasonal, ! local, ! ! therefore ! ! they ! ! ! change ! produce, will constantly ! ! ! the ! ! what ! !is available. ! ! ! depending on and !! season ! !he is ! !“really ! !looking ! !forward ! He says to getting ! that ! it’s ! been! “a ! tough ! ! getting ! started” job ! ! and ! !and that ! !he !was ! ! !a little ! ! bit drained, ! ! going” ! feeling ! that ! it would ! ! ! be worth! it in! the long ! !run. but all

! !

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I’ve kept meaning to give The Comedy Club at The Lion Inn at Boreham a plug (not that it needs one as it’s always full to the rafters) for a while now, only I’ve kept forgetting. But if you’ve never been before, you really must give it a try, readers, as it’s well plush (as you can surely see). Quite often even the comedians on stage remark how swanky a venue it is and that it’s the most upmarket event of their entire year. But hey, that’s what Chelmsford’s now become, right? You’ll also notice that the tables are numbered (ours was 31 as I always like to sit as far away from the stage as is humanly possible without being out in the corridor). That’s because there’s waiter/waitress service so that you never have to miss any of the punchlines, except when nature calls. So some dates for your diary are as follows:Thursday 15th March Thursday 29th March Thursday 26th April Not sure what happened to 12th April, but The Edge has it on extremely good authority that these are definitely the next three comedy nights. You can book online at www.thecomedyclub.co.uk or telephone 0203 376 1112

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I can’t say as though I know much about Charlie Brooker, but Lengthy Boy certainly rates him, whilst Edge columnist Billy Hinken was in raptures over his recent Black Mirror thing. He came to my attention of Frank Skinner’s Room 101 - which incidentally ought to be scheduled for an hour - and I really appreciated his honesty when he said that it really is okay to be on holiday and not go visit that which you feel obliged to, simply because everyone else and all the travel books seem to insist that you must. Case in point, Rome is my least favourite city visited (apart from Dublin hey, so shoot me), yet most people I ever speak to about it look at me as though I must be mad when I admit to such and often drool, “Oh, it’s my/our all time favourite.” For me, the colosseum was a complete and utter let down (there’s a far better one in Pula, Croatia, in my humble opinion), yet due to Russell Crowe in his prime, I’d really been looking forward to seeing it. Then there’s the Trevi Fountain, which all looked a bit plastic to me and I honestly couldn’t see the point of it at all. Whilst the Spanish Steps are just, well, steps. Hey, and don’t even get me started with all of Rome’s horrible graffiti. So Charlie’s right. One needs to stick to one’s guns where this sort of nonsense is concerned and hammer one’s colours to the mast. So while I’m at it, I may as well also admit that St. Paul’s Cathedral didn’t do it for me either. Whereas Gaudi’s Sagrada Familia effort in Barcelona is an entirely different proposition, as it totally blew me away.

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It’s just childish schoolboy stuff that I guess I’ve never really grown out of, even at the ripe old age of 56-and-a-half, but yeah, I had to pull the car over on the way back from Maldon to get this shot, as in 35 years of living in Chelmsford, I’d honestly never seen this sign before (not far past Claremont Garden Centre at Woodham Mortimer). Didn’t Jim Royle used to announce, as he grabbed his newspaper and prised himself out of his armchair, that he was off for as ‘Tom Tit’? Or was it ‘Ertha Kitt’? Either way, not such a salubrious address, is it? Living down Shit Lane. Because just like location/location/location there’s a lot to be said for a tip-top sounding address as it probably adds a couple of grand to the asking price, whereas living down Tom Tit Lane, well, I’m really not so sure. I’ve also always wondered about women with nice enough sounding maiden names, only then having to lose them when they get wed and end up being called the likes of Hazel Alcock or Karen Rattlebag. Why don’t they get married yet keep their own surnames? In fact, surely that’s yet another one for the PC Brigade, isn’t it? For why should a woman have to take her husband-to-be’s surname? And why isn’t it the other way around? The Edge 01245 348256

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Telephone Sharon on 07789 791781 for further details The Edge has seen this with its own eyes. Granted it wasn’t outside The Ritz, but somewhere far less salubrious; outside Asda. But seriously, what’s it all about? I mean, what on earth is trending about going out in your PJs with a bathrobe or dressing gown slung on top? Tesco at HQ level have apparently given their branch managers permission to eject any customers dressing like they have just come out of their bathroom at home, and quite rightly so in The Edge’s humble opinion. They say: “Many of our customers have told us they feel uncomfortable when they see fellow customers inappropriately dressed.”

This so-called ‘all-day pyjama syndrome’ is widely seen as a growing social and sartorial problem throughout the UK. Earlier this year a headteacher appealed for children’s parents to stop wearing their PJs at the school gates as they had noticed an increase in the number of mums-in-particular failing to get dressed for the school run. However, following the announcement from Tesco, upmarket Waitrose have countered that they do welcome customers into their stores who wish to do their shopping dressed solely in their nightwear. Meanwhile, Asda have said that their customers are always welcome just so long as they wear something and not just their birthday suits. The Edge thought girls/ladies going out with their hair in rollers was taking the biscuit, but this is a whole new level of superchavness.

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I was really looking forward to watching both Hard Sun and McMafia, but both completely failed to cut the mustard so far as I was concerned. Instead, I’ve been really impressed with what’s been coming out of Scandinavia these past few years; truly excellent series the likes of The Killing and The Bridge, to name but two. Another one that’s currently had The Edge hooked is Before We Die (C4, Tuesday, 11:05pm). Set in Stockholm, some think of Nordic dramas as gloomy (perhaps it’s the climate), but I much prefer the word atmospheric. Hanna’s (Marie Richardson) career has seen better days. She’s been transferred to financial crime after sending her own son, Chippen (Adam Paisson, who won a Swedish Best Actor award for his performance), to the slammer for dealing drugs (that’s tough parenting, is that). Her younger boss is also encouraging her to take early retirement, which is a sure fire way of telling you your face no longer fits.

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On the plus side, she’s been shagging Sven, a married investigator. Only then he goes and gets himself carelessly kidnapped. Oh yes, and there are also two warring leather-clad biker gangs called the Mobsters and the Delincuentos to factor into the equation, not to mention something, a place, called Krajina. And of course there has to be someone called Bjorn, not to mention a Volvo or two. But by god, it’s had me hooked since the very first episode. I don’t know what it is, but there’s somehow a reality you can far easier believe in the way they make their dramas to the way we seem to do. Take bloody Vera, for instance. My god, what on earth is Brenda Blethyn doing in the title role of that load of old bollocks? Hate it. Mari Hoff (Little Voice’s mum) is the character she needs to stick to playing. However, I do very much enjoy Endeavour, the prequel to Morse (which I never much cared for either, as I could never understand why Jack Reagan was speaking so posh). Starring the excellent Shaun Evans, it’s beautifully old fashioned, shot in the sixties and has really made me want to visit Oxford, which I’ve strangely never been to before. Recently promoted to Detective Sergeant, the opera and real ale loving young Morse knocks about the countryside and the beautiful city in DI Thursday’s (played by the excellent Roger Allam) stunning black Jaguar, which always makes for delightful Sunday evening viewing. I’m also pretty partial to Rowan Atkinson as Maigret in my favourite Parisian backwater of Montmartre. You can almost smell the tobacco in his pipe...

I really do have a soft spot for my mother-in-law. In fact, it’s just been freshly dug in the garden for the

SILLY OLD MOO! Page 12

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Further to The Edge’s right riveting article on page 6, the question begs, why didn’t Pantene Pro-V get in touch with the delicious Myleene Klass instead of the dippy Ellie Goulding, because for heaven’s sake, at least Myleene looks as though she actually knows how to throw a punch? It’s funny, but just a day or so after the darts walk-on girls and F1’s grid-girls were all over the national news, supposedly for portraying women in a less than favourable light, I was walking past the newspaper stand in Sainsbury’s when that days Sun literally had me stopping in my tracks and retreating in my footsteps in order to ogle their front cover photograph of the quite stunning Myleene, followed by some more succulent pics inside, which I also had a cheeky peep at, before carrying on with my day. Does that make me sexist? Did I look at the very next woman I saw in Saino’s within my immediate vicinity and literally ‘undress her with my eyes’? Did I treat any of the ladies on the check-outs in a demeaning manner? The answer to all those questions I would sincerely like to think is a resounding ‘no’ - and nor did I purchase a copy of The Sun either. But it doesn’t alter the fact that photographs such as the one of Myleene (right) are these days seemingly very much frowned upon for reasons of a ‘bimbotic’ nature, despite the fact that Ms Klass is anything but. To put it into further context, were Myleene to cut the ribbon when the next Aldi superstore opens up at Chelmsford’s Clock Tower Retail Park, on the proviso that I could be arsed to attend, would I subsequently shout out from the gathered crowd, “Oy, Myleene, show us yer s, luv!”?

***

No, I most certainly would not. Yet nor do I understand how this photograph of Ms Klass demeans her in any way, because if you ask me, I think she honestly looks pretty proud of herself and what’s more, I happen to think she has every right to be so, looking the way she so enviably does. We judge so many things by both their packaging and their appearance, yet we’re falling into the trap of no longer being able to appreciate beauty for beauty’s sake.

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The term mutton dressed as lamb may spring (no pun intended) to mind when you clap eyes on this particular dude (left), but honestly, I think he looks proper well dressed and ultra bloody cool, writes Zagger’s Paul Dafforn. The social pressures we men face as we get older makes it difficult to deviate from solely shopping in High Street stores, but when you see the look this gent is sporting, it does give one a glimmer of hope. Admittedly a check waistcoat matched with combats won’t be to everyone’s taste, but the shock of grey hair, ‘tache’ and specs surely gives a whole new meaning to the word ‘dandy’. On a recent visit to the Pitti Uomo trade show in Florence (or Firenze if you speak the lingo), I couldn’t help notice a ubiquitous way of dressing amongst middle-aged Italian men and fortunately such has recently influenced the UK market as well. The Italian’s are world renowned for their unique sense of style and sartorial elegance, whilst ‘peacocking’ (as we like to call it in the trade) has become something of a normality at this particular show. Each season there are promotionally driven trends within the fashion industry that explode on Social Media, but never really touch the High Street. Trend does not exist so much in Italy as ‘a look’ and I am constantly viewing new collections to introduce to my own store in Baddow Road, Chelmsford. Twenty years of buying for Zagger has offered me the impetus to explore new ideas for menswear. I am forever investing in quality, style and substance. Much of the sophistication lost in menswear over the past decade has been due to the saturation of fashion sportswear, with the current generation influenced more by ‘brands’ advertising on the internet via Instagram and Twitter. This is now the new norm and the majority of menswear sales are these days driven by branded products. We clearly have to improvise each year and embrace new trends as they appear, though without losing touch with our loyal, regular customer base. Fundamentally, the idea is to work on moving forward with quality and luxury to maintain an image each season that will also suit our older customers. Offering unrivaled customer service, it is still possible to achieve a great fashionable ‘look’ in a way that draws compliments, rather than gasps. Mixing a pair of jeans/trousers with the right shirt and knitwear, or blazer/jacket, can often create a cool, yet distinguished appearance that also feels comfortable. Some guys certainly need a helping hand when it comes to shopping and although this chap may not be your particular cup of char, he clearly looks ‘the business’ and it simply goes to prove that age is merely a number. sales@zagger.co.uk

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The Edge 257_The Edge 172.qxd 24/02/2018 09:55 Page 16

entle birdsong outside your windows. Vegetables from your own garden for dinner. Fresh water available on tap from a babbling brook. Who amongst us hasn’t dreamed of the rural life? This couple certainly did, and went one better and achieved it after building their very own mud hut in North Devon’s Tarka Valley. Only they’re being kicked out of it by their local council because they didn’t get planning permission, despite it being on their land. They built the two-bedroom structure back in 2015 because the missus is allergic to mains water, electricity and wifi. Allergic? Yep. She suffers from something called MCS (multiple chemical sensitivity). They share their home with an assortment of chickens, goats and geese and generate their power from solar panels, but their local authority has ruled that the hut, which cost them just £2,000 to build, must be demolished and has instead offered the couple temporary accommodation in something similar. Yep, a Travelodge. But surely an Englishman’s hut ought to be his castle?

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PUBLIC TRANSPORT Recently I have begun commuting daily via trains (both overground and underground) to get to my new job. In so doing, I have become an observer of bizarre behaviours of the general public. Below are five of my biggest pet peeves I never knew I had prior to travelling to and from work everyday by train... 1. People who put their bag on the seat next to them - has their bag really had a harder day than me? I have to say, I think there is something seriously wrong with anyone who happily watches as someone stumbles about on a train after most likely having a very long day at work, feeling pretty exhausted, but prefers to place their bag on a seat, rather than letting that person sit down. Of course the stumbler could approach and request that the bag be removed, but is that awkward encounter really necessary? Unless your bag paid for a train ticket, it does not belong on a seat. And if someone gathers enough balls to come along and ask you to move your bag so that they can sit down, the very least you should do is plead ignorance. I want to hear, “Yes, of course. I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking.” Unfortunately, the reality is that you walk over, politely ask to sit down, only to get glared at as they aggressively remove their bag and spend the remainder of the journey huffing and puffing at your obscene, evidently quite ridiculous request.

2. People who don’t rush during rush hour. After a long day at work, I amongst many others, power-walk as fast as possible towards the tube station, hoping to make it home in record time. Motivated by the thought of a cooked dinner awaiting me, the idea of throwing off my work clothes and slipping into my comfy PJ’s is just too blissful for words. So I rush like mad, to the point where there are times when I’m bordering on athletic prowess. But along the way I am constantly forced to reroute every five seconds to avoid all of the ‘dillydalliers’. Those ‘why rush when you can enjoy the moment’ types. Tourists that stop to take photos of road signs, or those simply strolling along and enjoying the scenery. Or the ones who are in a completely different world, fully immersed on their iPhones. Hey, it’s called ‘rush hour’ for a reason. Get it? If you want to be on your phones or taking pictures, fine, cool. Who am I to stop you? All I ask is that you get the hell out of my way, pretty please. 3. People who dance to their music through their headphones silent disco for one? Oh how I applaud their confidence. You’re truly dancing as if no one was watching. Reality check - we are all watching and you make us all feel very, very uncomfortable indeed. 4. People who chew gum with their mouths open. This one’s a biggie. We all know that tubes and, well, all modes of public transport

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5. Why do people stand up way before arriving at their station? It’s like, ‘Yep, I know where we are and to prove that I realised before you, I’m going to stand up, just so you know.’ This is something I have grown to laugh at. We all know to expect the ‘We are now approaching Chelmsford’ reminder announced about a minute before we pull into our station. But there are some wonderfully peculiar people who feel the need to one-up the rest of us. I swear, some people will look out of the window around ten minutes prior to arriving and upon realising that we are somewhat ‘near’ to the next stop, they will abruptly stand up, as if to announce, ‘I know where I am and I knew before any of you lot.’ Seriously, I don’t need to be told that we are approaching Chelmsford because I can honestly sense it. You peasants haven’t got a clue! I could almost understand their logic if they were to head towards the doors so that they can get off the train first, but more often than not, these people stay exactly where

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he days of the Formula One grid girls, boxing match ring girls, cheerleaders and even provocatively clad golf cart girls are seemingly numbered. Darts promoters have already come out and said that their walk on ladies (who escort the players to the oche at the start of a match) will be scrapped, yet one of the girls has hit back at the decision because she says it accounts for sixty per cent of her income and that her rights are being taken away. She says: “Everybody chooses to do a job and I feel like I’m being told I can no longer do mine. I go to work, I put on some nice clothes and I escort the players onto the stage. I smile a lot and that’s pretty much it. So I honestly don’t see what the problem is.” While the Women’s Sports Trust tweeted: “We applaud the professional Darts Corporation for moving with the times and deciding to no longer use walk on girls. Motor racing, boxing and cycling.....it’s your move now.”

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QUIET PLEASE What has happened to the announcers at Chelmsford railway station? It used to be that you would only ever get automated notifications to advise you of scheduled train times and late departures. In all of the years this has been in successful operation, I have not heard of people falling through the gap between the train and the platform edge, slipping on the concourse in the rain, or being sucked off by a through train. A train should be a quiet place to mentally prepare for work or a place to relax after a hard day at the office. It should not be a place for train drivers or station staff to practice their very own stand-up routine. Furthermore, I do not need the staff to thank me for traveling with Abelio Greater Anglia as I have no choice.

CRYPTOCURRENCY You will have had to have been living under a rock not to have heard about Bitcoin, but what exactly is cryptocurrency; 21st-century unicorn - or the money of the future? In short, a cryptocurrency is a digital asset designed to work as a medium of exchange that uses cryptography to secure its transactions, to control the creation of additional units and to verify the transfer of assets. Essentially, cryp-

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tocurrencies are limited entries in a database that no one can change unless specific conditions are fulfilled.

The most famous cryptocurrency is Bitcoin. In early 2009, an anonymous programmer or potentially a group of programmers under an alias of Satoshi Nakamoto introduced Bitcoin. Bitcoin was described it as a ‘peer-to-peer electronic cash system.’ It is decentralised, meaning there are no servers involved and no central controlling authority. This works through something called a Blockchain, which is a public transaction database functioning as a distributed ledger. This is all a bit geeky and certainly not something that I fully understand, but I am pretty sure it is here to stay. You see, you‘d have a hard time finding a major bank, a big accounting firm, a prominent software company or a government that has not researched cryptocurrencies, published a paper about it, or started a so-called Blockchainproject.

Most people reading this probably believe that cryptocurrencies are the hottest investment opportunity in town. Indeed, there are many stories of people becoming millionaires through their Bitcoin investments. Unfortunately, I don’t think this is likely to be repeated, but who knows. Cryptocurrencies are highrisk investments and their market value fluctuates like no other asset’s. Moreover, it is partly unregulated and so there is always a risk of them getting outlawed in certain jurisdictions and any cryptocurrency exchange can potentially get hacked. Having said all of that, a lot of currencies are still relatively cheap to buy and so if you invest in the right one, then there are potentially significant returns to be had.

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As with any other investment, you need to pay close attention to the cryptocurrencies’ market value and to any news related to them. Coinmarketcap is a one-stop solution for tracking the price, volume, circulation, supply and market cap of most existing cryptocurrencies.

Once you have bought your cryptocurrency, you need a way to store it. All major exchanges offer wallet services. But, while it might seem convenient, it’s best if you store your assets in an offline wallet on your hard drive, or even invest in a hardware wallet. This is the most

Personally, I have invested in NEM (XEM) and I am hoping that one day I will have turned my £200 into £2m, although perhaps I would have been better off putting my money into my team, West Ham, to win the Premiership - but I guess only time will tell.

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ONLY JOKING! ABSTRACT

An abstract painting sold for £20 million at Sotheby’s the other day. When the purchaser asked the artist what the picture represented, the artist replied, “How a fool and his money are easily parted.”

WESTERN VALUES People assume that the Taliban are against Western values, but I saw some of them on the telly the other evening and they were all out in the fields growing poppies for Remembrance Day. So that logic simply doesn’t add up.

MYSTERIOUS PANTIES When my wife found a mysterious pair of panties under the bed she went absolutely ballistic, so I immediately confessed that they belonged to another woman. Well, it seemed better than admitting that they were actually mine.

INTENSIVE CARE I don’t want to panic anyone, but I’m currently in intensive care. Because apparently, the Dyson Ball Cleaner isn’t meant to be used for what its name suggests.

RIDICULOUS LOGIC I never think before I speak. I much prefer to be as surprised as everyone else is by whatever comes out of my mouth.

SPORTS CAR An elderly Irishman bought a sports car to recapture his youth and was giving it some welly at 100mph+. Then he saw a blue flashing light fast approaching in his rear view mirror and thought, ‘Bugger it, I’m far too old for this game of soldiers’ as he pulled over onto the hard shoulder. The police officer said to him, “Aye, aye, sir. My shift ends in ten minutes, so if you can give me a good enough reason as to why you were speeding, I may well let you off.” The old Irishman said, “Twenty years ago, my wife ran off with a copper and I actually thought he was bringing her back.” “Good enough,” said the police officer.

FRIENDSHIP Friendship is when people know all about you, and hey, they still like you.

ANYTHING YOU WANT A 78 year old man was having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly, a gorgeous girl entered the establishment and sat down almost on top of him. She said to him in a sultry tone: “I’ll do anything you like, papa. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams. It doesn’t matter how extreme, kinky or unusual it may be, I’m game. All I want is $100, but there’s just one condition.” The old man gulped and said: “Wassat?” “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words,” she said. So the old timer thought for a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful girl. Then he cleared his throat, whipped out ten crisp $10 bills from his wallet, laid them carefully out on the bar, before looking at the doll squarely in the eyes and very slowly and clearly saying: “PAINT MY HOUSE.”

ANDY PANDY Further to the Sooty & Sweep outrage, Andy Pandy has been cleared of all charges after Teddy confirmed that Luby Loo’s nickname came from her penchant for using KY Gel.

RALPH IN LONDON Ralph, an American citizen aged 72, was visiting London for the first time. So he decided to skip the afternoon tour one day and explore some of the city on his own. He wandered about, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopped at a quaint pub or two to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a few pints of London Pride. After a while, he found himself in a very highclass neighbourhood. Big, stately residences, no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all, no public toilets. But he really, really had to go after all those beers and the trouble with his prostate. So Ralph found a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decided to use the wall to solve his problem. As he was unzipping, he was tapped lightly on his shoulder by an authentic London bobby who said, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "Oh I'm so sorry, officer," replied Ralph, "but I really, really need to go, and very quickly too." "Ah, yes," said the bobby. "Follow me, sir." So he lead Ralph to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opened. "In there, sir" pointed the bobby. "Whiz away ’til your heart’s content." Ralph entered and found himself in the most beautiful garden he had ever seen. There were manicured lawns, fountains, sculptured hedges and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he had the bobby's blessing, Ralph unburdened himself and was greatly relieved. When he went back through the gate, he said to the bobby, "Thank you so much. That was really decent of you. Is that what you call the very best

ANOTHER ONE COMES FORWARD After years of silence, ‘Skippy the Bush Kangeroo’ has come forward and admitted that not only did Rolf Harris tie her down against her will, the bugger wrote a bloody song about it as well.

of British hospitality?" "No, sir," replied the bobby. "That is what you call the French Embassy.”

EXPERIMENT Like many couples, the wife and I decided to liven things up a bit by making a porno video. Mind you, she wasn’t best pleased when I told her that her job was to work the camera.

TRIP TO ROME A woman was at the hairdressers getting her barnet styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the imminent break to her hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You must be crazy to want to go to Rome. How are you getting there?" "We're flying with Continental Airlines. We got a great deal!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "Oh my god, what a shower they are.Their planes are old, their flight attendants are all pig-ugly and they're notorious for being late all the time. So where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at a little exclusive place over on the Tiber River called Teste." "Shut the front door! I know that place. Everyone always thinks it's going to be something really special and exclusive, but in all honesty, it's a proper shithole." "Well, it looked nice in the brochure. Oh and we're going to go to the Vatican and hopefully see the Pope." "Give over," laughed her hairdresser. "You and a million other people. He'll look about the size of an ant he’ll be that far away from you. But good luck. You're certainly going to need it." A month later, the woman once again popped in to have her hair done and her hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "Oh it was wonderful," she said. "Not only were both our flights on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, so they bumped us up to first class where the food and wine were absolutely gorgeous and I had a handsome young steward who waited on me hand and foot. The hotel was great too. They'd just finished a £5 million remodeling job and now it is a proper jewel, the finest hotel in the city. Only they too were overbooked, so they apologised profusely and gave us the bridal suite at no extra cost!" "Well," muttered her hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know for a fact you can't have seen the Pope." "Oh yes we did! In fact, we were quite lucky, because as we were touring the Vatican, a guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope sometimes likes to meet some of the visitors and would we be kind enough to step into his private room for him to greet us personally. And, sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door, shook our hands and made us a cup of tea." "Oh, yeah?” said her hairdresser. “And what did he say?" He said, "Who f cked your hair up?”

Q&A Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an alter boy. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What’s got two legs and bleeds? A: Half a cat. Adios!

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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Hello Edge! On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final, only to lose out after what I consider to this day to be a correct answer. The question asked was: 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' To which I confidently replied 'C---'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday representative to leave the premises immediately. I wonder have any other readers experienced such appalling treatment whilst on their holidays? Peter Bungalow (although I live in a detached house) Chelmer Village The Edge has heard numerous stories about brides copping off with the best man after weddings abroad, Peter, which sounds far worse than your meagre thoughts about good old motormouth JC. E.E. Peter Andre might look smug in all of his wedding photographs to Katie Price, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader as well an an avid Edge reader, I have seen his ex-wife's breasts, and on numerous occasions too. But he hasn't seen my wife's, so who's having the last laugh? Costa Popalisophalis Melbourne Erm, have you just woken up, Costa? They were divorced way back in September of 2009, although I guess you have a point. E.E. On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. Hmmmmm........they've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on Gloucester Avenue. Terry Kilne.

.. .. .. .. . . ..

Jumpers for goalposts The fattest lad is always the ’keeper The person who’s ball it is decides who plays No girls allowed, unless they own a ball If you’re picked last, you have no hope whatsoever in life Penalties are only ever awarded is someone breaks a leg You cannot be offside Any smashed windows, leggit The match only ever ends when the person who’s ball it is has to go in for their tea No matter what the score, the match must always be decided by the ‘next goal wins’ rule No referee required Whoever kicks the ball under a car or into a garden must go get it

Page 24

Dear Edge, The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Great Britain, a third of whom don’t even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government knows of their sad plight, yet they haven't even bothered to tell the poor sods of their sorry situation? George Hamsterstool Galleywood No George, what they mean is....although on second thoughts, never mind, it doesn’t matter. E.E. With reference to the series ‘Manhunt’, where ex-Special Forces soldiers tried to hunt down Andy McNab, why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting squad? After all, they found the tw-t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Mrs Eileen Crimplene Writtle That’s a very good point, Eileen. E.E. Dear Sir, Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about that there Professor Stephen Hawking chappy? I saw him on the telly recently, blathering on about galaxies for hours on end, and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Terrence Mole Beaulieu Park

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ting a bad spot, and what would you do? One of the UK’s finest and most knowledgeable travel writers, Simon Calder, once said that San Diego has just about the best climate in the world. In fact, he’s said it more than once. Although there’s a whole lot of world your columnist has never seen, it’s hard to argue with Mr Calder’s opinion.

But then selfishness kicks in and you think, guiltily, that these Tent Towns are eyesores and you’d like someone to do something to get rid of them. Ah. Someone and something. Who and what? And why don’t you do something yourself? There seems to be an unspoken agreement between the police and the Tent Town inhabitants that if the homeless stay out of downtown, the police will leave them be. It kinda works, but even so there are always people around asking for spare change.

Summer temperatures rarely get into the stupid zone; high 20s C to low 30s C is the norm, and winter daytimes hardly ever drop into the teens. In fact, it’s considered a bit chilly, even in January and February, if you have to put on a long sleeved shirt to go out. Coat? What the heck’s a coat? Add to that the fact that the sun will shine most days throughout the year and all in all we residents consider ourselves extremely lucky to be living here. Nobody leaves this place and the town is growing as more and more are attracted by the benefits of ‘America’s Finest City’. That handle is copyright the city council’s PR team, by the way. It’s all very localised though – 10 miles inland and summer temperature will hit 40C often enough to make aircon a domestic necessity. Anyway, all that is by way of introduction to this month’s insight into SoCal life, and it’s not the usual good stuff we’re going to take a look at, but just for a change, one of the big downsides of being here. All big cities in the western world have a homeless problem. Plenty of people sleep rough in London. New York has its fair share of bums. And it was quite a shock on a recent return visit to see that even Chelmsford now has people with nowhere to lay their heads at night. But stop and ask yourself this. Consider you are an

We’ve known each other 18 years now, Lurch

American and hard times had befallen you to such an extent that you have nowhere to live but the streets. Would you prefer to be in New York, where you’re going to freeze to death in winter, or southern California, where the weather is as advertised? So, San Diego is awash with homeless people. The local newspapers and blogs are always talking about the problem and everyone wants it solved, but nobody knows how to fix it. More shelters, say some. OK, but as soon as there are more shelters, word gets around and even more people arrive. Kick ‘em out, say Trump supporters. Anywhere – into the ocean if needs be, just get ‘em out of my way. Because they are intelligent, thoughtful and compassionate people, Trump supporters. What we’ve ended up with is a sort of half way house that doesn’t get them off the street, but at the same time keeps most of them away from downtown areas most of the time. Tent Towns have sprung up on the sidewalks in the grubby parts of town east of the city. It’s difficult not to feel sorry for these poor wretches. You can imagine yourself hit-

They are never threatening, and when you say, “Not today, man” they hope you have a good day and that’s that. It is a bit disturbing at first, but becomes so common you stop thinking about it after a while. There is another aspect to this in that there are a number of people walking around who are clearly mentally ill. They talk to themselves and the voices in their heads. This can be disturbing too, until someone who truly understands mental health issues explains that these people don’t even see you – they are in their own world and a danger to themselves only, nobody else. All this has put another side to what you would think is an idyllic lifestyle, hasn’t it? It’s just more proof that nothing in life is ever as good or as bad as it seems on the surface. Except Brexit – scratch below the surface and that gets worse. Bugger. Nearly managed a whole month without mentioning it.

Yes

And you’re still as lanky as ever, aren’t you?

I’m considerably lengthier than thou if that’s what you mean

So, do you fancy a brew and a catch-up in town next Wednesday?

No can do, Dadio, I’m afraid

Eh? You what?

And St. Tropez on Thursday shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

But, but, you used to be my fag?

I’ll be in Avignon next Wednesday

Not any more, Fester

I beg your pardon, Lurch?

Now there’s gratitude for you Page 25

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KILLER ROBOTS Some of you may remember that I’ve written about the advent of military robots before. At that time, I wrote about the autonomous field unit that was designed to power itself by burning whatever fuel it could scavenge, including the corpses of its enemies, like an insane Doc Brown powering up the Delorean by throwing kitchen waste into his ‘Mr Fusion’. I treated it as a bit of a joke, but with robotics advancing at such a pace, and particularly with the plans for these robots to run by an also advancing wave of AI (artificial intelligence), a few very serious people don’t think it’s so funny. In fact, they’re worried enough to have brought the subject up at the UN in a bid to have military robots treated the same way as chemical and biological weapons, meaning they’re banned for anyone that isn’t a psychopathic tyrant. When I say serious people, I mean people like Elon Musk (probably the closest thing we have to an actual Tony Stark) and Mustafa Syleyman, founder and head of applied AI at Google. These are guys who absolutely love them some sci-fi style robots, but even they think militarising AI controlled robots is a bad idea.

Killer robots are surprisingly camp, or so it seems I mean, really, we’ve had five Terminator movies and a TV series, so it should be obvious to everyone by now that it’s a really bad idea. Some of you might still think it’s funny, but AI controlled military robots are now seen as what’s called the third revolution in warfare. The first two were gunpowder and nuclear missiles, and I don’t think anyone is laughing at either of those. Even if you don’t think it’s funny, you could be forgiven for thinking that it’s still far-fetched, but they make a reasonable argument in reminding us that remotely powered drones armed with Hellfire missiles have already become standard military practice, and with the increasing automation and AI run tasks in our day-to-day lives it will be easy to normalise the idea of robotic soldiers. Since WWII the American doctrine has been ‘Never send a soldier where a bullet or bomb can go’ and with their limitless defence budget and love of blowing shit up in new and exciting ways, you can bet they’ll be the first in line at the killer robot store.

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ME & MY adamantium skeleton

The Kingmeister reports

PART TIMER (PT. 2) I’ve now been working part time for four months and I can already say without a shadow of a doubt that I’ll never go back to full-time employment ever - unless I absolutely categorically have to. In case you don’t already know, I now only work Monday to Thursday, and while it might only be an extra day of free time per week, the difference it has made to my life has been huge. My Fridays now start with a leisurely breakfast before walking the kids to school. My girlfriend doesn’t have to leave for work until after 9am, so after dropping the kids off, we take a long, steady walk home down a country lane and through the fields surrounding our village. Then once Lou leaves for work, I get a few jobs done around the house and then I have a few hours of ‘me’ time before walking back to the school to get the kids at 3.00pm.

THE LAND OF THE....? America, you really need to get your shit together with the whole gun control thing. The latest tragedy in Florida was the eighteenth mass shooting of 2018, and it’s only the middle of February as I write this, which means there’s already been, on average, more than one per week, and frankly that’s appalling. If you trawl back even further, the statistics are even worse and everyone in the USA who isn’t lobbying for tighter gun control should be absolutely ashamed of themselves. If you go back to 2013, there have been 1,624 mass shootings, which means 1,624 in 1,870 days. Statistically speaking, that’s almost a daily occurrence. Americans privately own an estimated 265million (yes, million) guns which is more than one gun for every adult in the country. More Americans have died from home-grown shootings since 1968 than in all of the wars in US history, and a tragic number of those have been children. Personally, I think any one of those statistics should be enough for the US to finally do something about their rampant gun problem, but even with the latest massacre fresh in everyone’s minds, I’m willing to bet I know what will happen next: Nothing. Oh, there’ll be plenty of opinions, arguments and soundbites flying around, lots of vigils and prayers and impassioned pleas for someone to do something. But then it’ll all just go away until the next massacre. Why? Because the gun culture in America is making a lot of people very rich indeed and the sad fact is that making money trumps children getting murdered every time. All the prayers and vigils in the world aren’t just useless, but actually insulting without action to back them up, and I’d love to be proven wrong, but I just can’t see it happening. I’ll be honest: I think the US is an awful place, and that’s even before that ghastly, bladder-faced buffoon entered the White House. The rampant inequality, almost endemic racism, jingoism, fundamentalism and the creepy ‘manifest destiny’ nonsense all adds up to a nation with serious issues. In short, the USA is a nation literally born out of war, so perhaps it’s not surprising that they have a fascination with firearms and a defence budget that dwarfs the entire GDP of many other countries, but the second amendment isn’t an excuse to let children get shot in school. I heard one of the survivors of the most recent shooting interviewed on the radio recently and they hit the nail squarely on the head when they told the reporter: “We don’t need your condolences. We simply need you to do something.”

This thing literally does nothing except kill people

Helloooooo Fridays!

If we ever need to get ‘a man’ round to do something, we always do it on a Friday, so neither of us have to take any time off of work, whilst getting the housework and other bits and bobs done (on a Friday) means that our weekends are now proper weekends again. What’s more, I’m saving money, wear and tear on the car (by commuting less) and in general, I’m definitely a lot less stressed, less tired, and all-in all, just a much happier bunny all round. I already really liked my job, but now? Well, these days I think my job is absolutely brilliant and I cannot see myself ever leaving unless unless they shove me out of the door. My boss said one of the reasons he gave the OK to me to drop-a-day was because he thought I did a weeks’ work in 4 days anyway, so now I’m even happier to stay an extra hour here and there, if we’re up against it, because they’ve been so very accommodating towards me. So far at least, it’s all been a winwin situation for me, and for my employers, and I’m so glad I decided to go for it and ask them outright in the first place. But I’m certainly not writing this to crow, just hopefully to convince some of you out there reading this to perhaps do the same thing. Because an extra day off will definitely work for you, of that I am certain, but it can also work for your employers as well. There are plenty of testimonials out there from both businesses and individuals proving it can work, so take the plunge, get your reasons and your proposal straight, and go talk to your boss. And if he says ‘yes’ and gives you Fridays off, I’ll happily meet you down the pub!

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Unfortunately there’s a lot of it about and an awful lot of TSD (totally selfish drivers) in Chelmsford. Take this one, for instance, sent in by Edge reader Mike Quinlan, who spotted this atrociously selfish piece of parking in the Springfield Road Tesco store on Monday morning, 5th February. Okay, so it doesn’t appear that space was particularly at a premium at the time this photograph was taken, but honestly, is that the point?

‘Selfishness comes from a poverty of the heart’ Why do some people appear to think that there should be a different set of rules simply just for them? Under the circumstances, The Edge is going to forgive the driver of this silver Ford Mondeo, as he doubtless had ‘a stiff’ (dead body) lying across the back seat of his car, rigormortis having set in, after his wife had ‘eaten something dodgy’ from the store over the weekend, so he was clearly taking her (and the receipt) back to Customer Services in an attempt to get a refund and he no doubt needed the extra parking space to get her unbending corpse out of the car and onto a trolley. But for the remainder of you, you honestly need to look into your souls an awful lot more than you do and see what’s there, because parking like a twat in full view of the rest of us clearly does get you noticed, and for all of the wrong reasons.

U5ELE55

Lessons at school that I could have done without. Well, ALL of the Sciences for starters - Biology, Chemistry, Physics - as I was just so not interested in any of them. And what about masculine Woodwork and Metalwork? Erm, nope. Deffo not for me. I simply wasn’t interested. Still aren’t to this day. Religious Education? Should any of us really be wasting our time with such tosh? So let’s cross that one off the list as well, shall we. Ah, English Literature? Clearly me and Mr Shakespeare didn’t get along as my grammar school teacher wouldn’t even let me sit the exam (“But Miss, I canna make head nor tail of what old Billy’s warbling on about?”). So what does that leave us with? English Language. Tick. Mathematics. Tick. History. Tick. Geography. Tick. Physical Education. Tick. All good, solid subjects that a lad knew where he stood with. And then, after Secondary School, I opted for 2 years of Commerce, and that was an incredibly interesting subject (so why hadn’t that been an option much earlier?). And speaking of options, I’d have far rather done Home Economics (yes, with the girls) than sodding Woodwork or Metalwork any day of the week. Oh, and don’t even get me started on French lessons.

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“I’M ALRIGHT! I’M ALRIGHT!” Some prick of a woman recently dialled 999 and when her call was answered she immediately announced, “I’m alright, I’m alright. It’s just I need a bit of advice. I bought a box of eggs from the supermarket today and when I got them home, one of them was cracked. What should I do?” Yep, it may sound completely bonkers, but it’s as true as that woman is some unfortunate person’s next door neighbour. A spokesperson for the Met commented, “When you dial 999 it may be because someone is unconscious, not breathing, or there’s a cat stuck up a tree (no, on second thoughts, that’s the fire brigade, isn’t it?). But a box of fecking eggs is most definitely non notre departement.” When asked what on earth did she think she was playing at, Iris Cuttlefish countered, “Well, I’m not daft, if that’s what you’re trying to insinuate, is it? Cos if I were, I’d have rung the damn speaking clock, wouldn’t I?” Quel oeuf d’oeuf stupide.

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MOTCO

Man on the Clapham Omnibus D R A M A

I have spent this week a victim of the ‘heavy cold’, but I hope it doesn’t turn into that Aussie flu thing that’s been going around. That, of course, would mean the delights of daytime TV viewing. In our house, the remote control for the TV belongs to me and as such thus allows cruising around the upper reaches of Freeview without that strange whining sound that seems to appear when discovery bloke, shed geezers or greasy overall +1 channels are on and Mrs Motster is at home. It is certainly a curious programme mix throughout the day, falling into three main camps. Firstly, there’s the ‘rummage around somewhere, find something and sell it’ camp. Then there’s ‘the people at work in unusual situations’, usually with fake melodrama. These are usually ‘people doing normal jobs, but with a ‘character’ on show’, often the likes of a ticket inspector who sings the announcements in a light operetta style and is a devoted Monarchist, has his house devoted to royalty and covered in Franklin Mint special edition commemorative plates. The ‘character’ is usually a regular person doing a job that not many other folk would fancy doing, but he does it with a certain style, grace and humour, particularly if it involves the general public. Finally, there are simply the ‘find it and sell it’ shows. Some of these are so contrived it is beyond belief, whilst some are semi-entertaining, particularly where things do occasionally go adrift and the ‘expert’ gets it wrong and loses money, wah-wah-wahhh. Which leaves us with some unusual situations involving people at work, fake melodrama or jeopardy, plus the one who deserves particular scrutiny. Such programmes are so predictable and whilst a lot of these shows are set in precarious situations or scenic locations (Alaska rail?), the danger of operating a train is just as relevant for the drivers on A&CGA (Abbot & Costello Greater Anglia) when doing 100mph on the straight between Witham and Chelmsford as it is doing 30mph in Alaska. If writing this article was a feature on one of these shows, then by now a voiceover would surely be saying, “Motty has just 5 days to meet his deadline, but with a heavy cold, this is looking iffy and if he fails, the E.E. may literally do nothing except call him a . Cut to film-clip of a man in a hat, surrounded by used tissues (no, not that kind), frantically writing at PC. Deep down, we all know that Mott will complete said article. Just as the guys repairing the railroad in Alaska make remarks the likes of “There’s a 300 ton freight train coming in five hours time and if we don’t get the track fixed, it will

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career off the bridge and destroy that quaint little village down there.” Only oh no it won’t because despite the voiceover man saying “they face a desperate race to complete the work, otherwise Brad and Chuck could be responsible for hundreds of deaths” we all know the train will be halted at an impending signal. And so this relentless fake nonexistent tension repeats itself over and over again in every single show. Like all TV formats, reality shows have set rules that exist simply because they (allegedly) work. Legal dramas rely on courtroom scenes, game shows need great prizes, whilst reality producers have supposedly assumed we are all a bunch of halfwits who believe in fake tension and so go along with it time and time again. So for us viewers it means a plethora of ticking clocks, time limits, high-pressure decisions with no time to think, and skilled people working in high stress conditions etc. ‘Good’ reality is all about constant jeopardy, whether it's the threat of being sent home, the cake that's about to burn, a train derailing, or for real mind-blowing tension, what about the train that actually turns up on time? I certainly don’t see this in everyday life, because the guy who gets out of the drivers cab at Liverpool Street station, who has just driven the train down from Clacton, always seems far more intent on refilling his thermos flask before heading off back in the opposite direction again. In The Mott Show, the voiceover guy would now be saying, “With Motty’s cat now entering the room, things have gone from bad to worse, as Lord Minxton has sat on the keyboard and wiped the article from the screen. Motty now faces an anxious time as he tries to make the deadline in just five days after this crushing event.” If only choosing lottery numbers was as predictable as all such daytime TV drama, then I wouldn’t have to rely so much on my Edge writer’s salary. It's why the cupcake shop gets a sudden rush of orders, or the van always breaks down at a conveniently inconvenient time. Voiceover guy: “The biggest and very real jeopardy Motty faces is that the mother-in-law is still in the house after nearly three months and whether he can remain sane?” (Cut to screen shot of man dribbling in corner). Yours aye,

Every 20 years Chelmsford City Council (CCC) creates a ‘Local Plan’ that concerns itself with where we build locally. But what about the infrastructure? Go to

CHANGE.ORG and search for

theEDGE shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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TOTALLY TRACIE SWING IT, SHAKE IT, MOVE IT...WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want .... £10 million quid! Yes, they’re back. The Spice Girls are embarking on a £100 million world tour of perceived ‘Girl Power’, but what they are really doing is grabbing the chance to earn even more money. Scary reportedly hasn’t got a pot to pee in nowadays and is chomping at the bit to get out there and shake her bootie. She is already dusting down her old costumes and fluffing up her wild hair. You have to laugh, don’t you? Meanwhile Victoria has reportedly said that she will only sign up as long as she doesn’t have to sing - although she can’t sing anyway. But when £10 million was wafted in front of her, she soon changed her mind. In a generation where they were perceived to be ‘role models’, the question begs, were they really? Scary told us girls to take no ‘rubbish’ from anyone, yet she’s gone from one disastrous relationship to another and if the details of her latest divorce are to be believed, it seems she’s put up with nothing but ‘rubbish’ for a very long time. Meanwhile, Mel C did more for sportswear than Nike and Adidas put together without even setting foot on an athletics track. While Posh was into haute couture, Sporty was spurning a whole generation of girls intent on dressing as though they were just off to collect their Giros. Gerri Halliwell always seemed to be a bit on the lonely/skinny side, while Posh was always far too aloof. Would you really want to get with them and their friends? And what about Baby Spice? A grown woman dressed up as a sexy school girl. I’m not quite sure how that’s going to go down in today's climate, where the hashtag ‘Metoo’ seems to be the mantra of the day. We are sadly in an era when we have just witnessed Formula 1 ban the Grid Girls (those long leggy ladies who stand around looking glamorous and get sprayed in the face from a magnum of champagne). But my question is, what harm were they doing? I would definitely be happy to get paid a few grand to stand around in the sunshine smiling and sipping champers. In fact, you wouldn’t be able to wipe the grin off my face. Sport needs glamour. Think back to the era of George Best and all those Miss World’s he dated. It was almost like it was a part of his job. Win Miss World and date a famous footballer. It’s kind of what Posh Spice did in a round about way. But it's not just the Grid Girls we’ve seen the last of, it’s the Ladbrokes Walk On darts girls too. And those who walk around boxing rings holding a number up above their heads, wearing just a wet-look bikini. In an era when women are not supposed to be there simply for the enjoyment, or

pleasure, of men, is it technically right to ban them? Or are we doing women a major disservice? Personally speaking, I think a woman should have the right to choose how she earns her money, whether it’s being a brain surgeon or a Grid Girl. Obviously I don't believe men have the right to touch women or harass them while they are simply doing their job, but it’s probably a fact that they sell more cars at the Earls Court or Birmingham NEC motor shows when they’ve got a pretty girl draped across the bonnet, so maybe the powers that be are cutting off their own noses? Fact is, men buy fast, expensive cars and women date men who buy fast, expensive cars. That’s a win-win situation in my book! Just ask any woman on the street whether they enjoy dressing up to impress, putting their make-up on and looking good in order to go out on a date or out with their partners. Women love being adored and appreciated, especially by men. So what on earth is wrong with a bit of razzmatazz? Even the poor Victoria's Secret models have come in for some stick tof late. Yet they probably work-out every day, adhere to a strict diet, shun smoking and alcohol, and live as healthy a lifestyle as any footballer or athlete. Naturally equal pay and equal rights for women should go hand-in-hand, but surely women should be allowed to earn their money in whatever way they so choose? At the other end of the scale, there’s been no call to ban ‘The Dream Boys’ or ‘The Chippendales’, has there? Those guys are there solely for the titillation of women and get their clothes torn to pieces during every single performance. Their concerts sell out a year in advance, but I think if anyone’s being abused and demeaned, it's them. So really, Spice Girls, who do you think you’re kidding?

DOGS ARE FOR LIFE I would like to tell you about a lovely local girl called Lisa Stilwell who will be working at Crufts 2018 providing a free service to dog owners. Lisa has set up Essex Rivers Clinical Canine Massage in South Woodham Ferrers. She will be working free of charge with dogs and their owners from all over the world at the prestigious event providing free muscular check-ups and advice. What a fantastic achievement for a lovely Essex lady. Lisa specialises in chronic pain management for dogs with orthopaedic conditions such as arthritis, soft tissue injuries and limping due to old age. She aims for tangible results within 1-3 sessions and just loves working with vets and owners to make a real difference to a dog's life. Her clinical therapy is still emerging, but she says she would love the opportunity to reach the readers of The Edge and to talk to you all about any concerns you may have about your dogs. She is very approachable, friendly and extremely knowledgeable.

Lisa can be contacted on 07950 428587 lisa@essexriversccm.co.uk

Tracie123@aol.com

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