The Edge Magazine January 2016 by webwax

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EDGE

the

JANUARY 2017

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

ISSUE NO: 243

Winter SALE

B A D D O W

R O A D

& B O N

S T R E E T M

w w w. z a g g e r.c o.u k

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The Edge Editorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Column

Now available from the BBC Store (whereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s that ...whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s that?), your editor remembers being proper freaked out by The Daleks as a nipper, due to the fact that thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s just something so sinister and not-of-this-world about them. A bloke called Terry Nation created the rolling metal phallic symbols (as opposed to Davros) and seriously, if anyone deserves a posthumous nighthood, then surely itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the lad from Llandaff, near Cardiff. The Daleks made their first appearance on our TV screens way back in 1963 and I truly believe theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re as iconic today as ever they were. Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s something almost tanklike about them, whilst their famous synthesised command of â&#x20AC;&#x153;Exaggerateâ&#x20AC;? is sometimes enough to make you do a little bit of wee in your pants. Meet one in your bedroom at 3:30am and I reckon one would proper soil the sheets.

CROAKING ALWAYS CONTINUES Sad to see actor Peter Vaughan pop his clogs at the ripe old age of 93 towards the end of 2016. You may remember he played the part of legendary villain Grouty alongside Ronnie Barker in Porridge, and before that Robert Lindsayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s girlfriendâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s dad in Citizen Smith back in the late seventies, amongst many other fine roles. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m surprised he never got to star as a James Bond villain as he was superb at the deadpan stare and heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d have looked imperial with his white hair stroking a white cat on his lap.

ANIMATED DOCTOR WHO What about the fact that those deliciously wonderful bastards The Daleks have recently been reconstructed in animation form? â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;The Power of the Daleksâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; is one of the great lost classics of sixties television (so it says here) and a superb example of the black-and-white genre at its finest.

PORTOBELLO ROAD I went down Portobello Road the other Saturday. Despite the time it took me to get there (I find it a drag having to get on the tube after arriving at Liverpool Street), I loved it. Mainly because I stumbled across one of the most excellent watering holes it has ever been my privilege to visit. So make sure you visit The Castle if ever youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re in that part of London too, readers. Particularly if Valerie is on duty.

JANUARY Probably my least favourite month of the year, and perhaps yours too, readers? This time last year I was fortunate enough to bugger off to Sri Lanka for the last fortnight of the month, so funnily enough, it ended up being quite alright, thank you very much. No such luck this time around. However, I am hoping to visit Hua Hin (see page 23) in March and am wondering if there are any readers out there whoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve ever been who could perhaps recommend another couple of resorts south of Hua Hin that would be worth The Edge Crew visiting, maybe far enough away to constitute a one or two day motorbike/scooter trip to get there?

INCAPABLE JUGGLER Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m about as good as the next bloke at multitasking, so I guess I shouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have been surprised when I dropped my â&#x20AC;&#x2122;phone in Tesco car park just afore Crimbo whilst also juggling too many carrier bags. When I picked it up it had two vertical lines top-to-bottom on the screen, so I knew it was knackered immediately. Fact is, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d been meaning to replace it (it was an old iPhone 4S) and have now got what every single one of my friends (all two of â&#x20AC;&#x2122;em) recommended, which is an iPhone 6S. I lost all of my contacts though, which is damned inconvenient to say the very least. And thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s all of the new technology to get your head around on a 6S too. For instance, instead of just texting someone, you can now apparently draw a set of cockâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;nâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;bollocks on screen with your finger and send them that instead, which I have to say I think is a pretty neat invention. Whatever will they think of next, hey? THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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the Boys !! !are ! ! Back

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! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! Went for an ! eye ! test ! !the !other ! ! ! day. ! !! Once! you’ve ! been ! subscribed ! ! ! ! specs ! (I ! wear ! ’em for reading and so it’s the close ! ! computer ! !! ! work, ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! up stuff these days) you’re ! ! help ! ! with ! !! ! ! ! I need ! ! ! ! supposed thereafter, !to have !annual !check-ups !! ! ! ! !! aren’t ! ! you? ! !! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! But a !quick! shifties records ! the !! ! ! ! optician’s ! ! ! at !!!! ! ! ! !!! your ! it !was ! almost ! !! ! showed !! ! ! ! !!4 !years ! ! since !! ! ! !!! !! ! last ! one (Eeeeee, ! editor’s doesn’t time fly, ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! Maureen?). ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !eyesight ! ! ! pretty ! ! good ! and !I got He said ! ! ! was ! ! my ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! !he ! ! ! you ! ! ! sets ! ! you, 100%! ! in! !that ! ! ‘game’ ! ! ! !where ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! have to! tell bright dots have ! ! him ! how many ! ! ! ! ! ! ! (do ! you ! !know the ! ! within ! !! second flashed ! ! ! a !split ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I’m ! ! ! ! ! ! one on about, readers?). ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! !that ! my !eye !sight! has!! changed !! !! an! So it! seems ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! as! !Paul ! ! used !to say, “not! ickle! !!bit, but ! Daniels ! ! ! !!! !! ! ! !! !!!!! ! !! ! ! ! !!! a lot”. ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! !! ! !! !! !!! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Only!! !I !have sets of glasses. One pair ! ! 3 ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! by! !the ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! our !!!weekly ! !! TV ! ! TV !set to! !!read ! ! !the ! !! ’paper !! !! !!and ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! for !compiling ! !in!!!my ! office ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! Another guide. The ! ! ! ! ! !!!set ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! !!! ! ! !mag ! !! !!!another ! ! with ! Edge ! ! !every ! !! single ! ! ! ! day. And ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! reading ! ! ! ! about ! !! whatever ! ! pair !beside ! !!!! !my ! !!bed! for ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! Reacher’s Jack ! ! ! ! ! ! !!been ! getting ! up to. ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! !!! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! three ! ! ! new ! !! pairs ! ! of! So !am going ! ! ! I really ! ! ! ! to! !order ! !! !! ! !!! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !has ! specs altered ! !!if my! !eyesight ! ! !only !! ! ! ‘a bit’! !! !! !the ! !!! past ! ! !! !!!4 years? !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! during ! ! ! ! !!! Am ! ! !! !!!I! arse. !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! Answer:

Eye Test

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! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !I! have to ! !admit, Although in ! !! ! ! ! ! I! haven’t ! ! seen !! ! ! them ! ! !! ! action! yet. Have! you, readers? ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! They’re ! ! ! ! Amazon-something-or-other, ! ! !! ! ! ! ! aren’t ! ! ! ! ! on ! ! ! !! ! !!! ! they? ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !for !! The !! Edge Far too ! ! household. !!! ! complicated ! ! ! ! ! ! !! I love ! ! ! ! ! But !what !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!is !this. Jeremy !! ! ! ! Clarkson !! ! the ! ! show ! ! (when ! !! it was ! ! !! !! was Top Gear). ! ! ! show. ! ! And ! !is !the ! !!!! !! Jeremy !!! !!!!! Clarkson ! !!! ! ! !!been yes, !! ! !! ! ! ! was ! ! !!proven ! !! ! ! that !! ! ! !! Clarkson ! !!!it’s ! ! ! Jeremy ! even !!! !the !!! ! show. ! ! !! ! than ! bigger !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! With ! ! ! LeBlanc ! ! (you ! ! can’t ! ! Matt ! !! ! and ! ! !! Evans ! !!Chris get a! Frenchman !! ! ! ! !! a! motoring ! !! !!! ! !!! ! ! to !introduce ! !! !! ! ! !show, ! hee-haw), !! ! and !! !the ! ! ! didn’t !! ! !! work ! ! ! !! TG ! !just ! !! !Beeb will never it! better ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! !!make ! !! !than ! ! ! what ! ! it !was. So basically, getting rid of and ! ! Clarkson ! ! ! his ! ! ! !!! by !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! pals following, ! !!the ! ! BBC shot !! ! ! themselves ! ! ! !! duly ! ! ! slap! bang !! !the !! !foot.! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! in ! ! !! ! by! !all ! ! !! !Grand ! ! !Tour !accounts !! ! is !a Because !! The ! ! !! ! ! !!production ! bigger !! ! ! and !! much! better. ! !! ! much ! ! ! !! ! ! Clarkson ! ! have !been ! !! ! ! ! should So in hindsight, ! ! !! ! ! on !! ! a ! ! ! ! the ! ! told ! never ! ! ! to! punch slapped wrists, ! ! ! then ! ! !! ! ! again, !! alone !!! ! and ! left ! ! ! !to ! !get!on producer !! !! he’s ! ! at. ! ! ! ! ! ! what ! ! !good with ! !! !and! producing !! !! ! ! Namely excellent journalism !! !damn ! !television !! ! ! ! !!! some !! ! fine ! ! ! ! ! programmes. ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! !!! !! !!! !! ! !!! !! !!!! !! !! ! !!! !! !! ! ! !! !!!! !! ! ! !! ! !!! !! ! !! !! !! ! ! !! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! !!! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! !!! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !!! ! ! !!! !! !! !!! !! ! !! ! ! !!! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !!!! ! ! ! ! !!! !!! !!!!! ! !!! ! !! ! !! !! !! !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! !! !! !! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!!!! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !

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Just because one has absolutely no need to go to the barbers anymore doesn’t mean one doesn’t miss the ambiance of such places and the feeling of indulgence, in so far as it’s always nice to feel as though you’re being taken care of, isn’t it? This is Sarah at City Barbers, which only opened on Havengore Parade, Springfield, at the beginning of September last year, yet already they appear to be going great guns. “Would you like me to polish your head, sir?” she asked me, with a glint in her eye, as I dropped a few copies of The Edge off at said fine establishment for their punters to read. Oh titter ye not on the back row. Twas only a figure of speech. I used to always be sh t-scared whenever I was forced to go to the hairdressers, I recall. * Well, you never knew what you were going to get, did you, and I’m not talking about a packet of three either. It probably started when I was around 8, when I stopped having home-cuts by me mam. I used to climb up into the chair, trembling, and some ’orrible, slicked-back-haired barber would put a black gown around me and tuck it in proper tight at the neck, before asking me what it’d be. “I’d like a trim, please,” I would usually say, hoping to get off lightly. But I had long blonde hair way back then, at a time when Georgie Best was growing his, and every barber I ever went to seemed to think that a trim meant carte blanche and I was often lucky to get away with my ears still intact. Since when did a trim equal two inches, is what I always wondered? In more recent times, I recall Jess Mitchell of Java once gave me a right old lawnmowering up the back in the late eighties, which I was none too pleased about (yep, I’ve never forgotten that, Jess, if you’re still out there somewhere). I obviously buzz-shave my head these days, but you can still just about make out my hairline, right? But Jess proper mullered me a good inch-anda-half even above that, right down to the skin, and I remember walking out of his salon like Quasibloodymodo. Jeez, I was gutted, and I remember wearing rugby shirts with the collar up for a good couple of weeks after that tumultuous escapade. I’d definitely prefer to have hair, if I’m honest, but I’d want it to be the right sort of hair, if you know what I mean. Blonde, sun-bleached, surfer-dude type hair, with a bit of a kink in it, I wouldn’t mind. Oh, and I’d wear an alice band for good measure, is where I’m coming from. Instead, as Edge columnist Motty always reminds me, I am eggshell blonde all over me bonce.

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Twenty years I’ve been producing The Edge. It didn’t always look as polished and presentable as it does now, but then it Twenty years and three months, if you want to get pernickety about it. costs to keep it looking that way. Only these days it’s trickier than ever it was before as there’s this thing Which is why I’d be interested to hear from Chelmsford’s very own answer called social (bloody) media that’s reared its ugly head and advertisers to Auric Goldfinger. seem to believe that because they get some stats that tells them who’s You need to have done pretty well for yourself, made a couple of bob in visited their site and who’s ‘liked’ this and who’s ‘liked’ that, it means... your time, and be up for sticking your hand in your pocket pretty much just To be honest, what exactly does it mean? for the sheer hell of it. They still don’t know for certain where a buyer has come from, do they? A kind of a Jack Walker at Blackburn Rovers type character. They just think they do. Failing that, I could do Yet often they’re putting with a bit of a social two and two together and media whiz kid who’s too coming up with five. young to answer me So will there be physical back, but knows his/her publications in the way around cyber space. future? Or maybe someone a Yes, The Edge firmly little longer in the tooth believes that there will. who does answer me Personally, I cannot think back. Either’s fine. of anything worse than What I often hear, and reading a book on one of this is genuine, when I those poxy Kindle things. am topping up my mags Ugh. into the numerous disAnd reading something pensers dotted around online and scrolling both Chelmsford during the down and across and... first couple of weeks of You may have more money than sense, like the bloke on the left. that’ll never be the same the month (that’s the However, The Edge would prefer more of an Auric Goldfinger type character, someone with amount of time it takes to experience as physically a bit of gumption and business sense who could elevate The Edge to the next level. holding something in your get rid of all 10,000 hands and turning the pages, will it? copies, which isn’t long at all, trust me) is this: “I love The Edge.” Oh sure, progress is progress. Not like. Love. Or is it? Now what’s that worth, eh? Because it must be worth something...the kind Don’t you miss a greengrocer putting some plums into a brown paper bag of genuine engagement that The Edge has cultivated and nurtured and then doing three of those...you know...turny things to tighten the bag? between itself and its readers. (He’d hold the top corners and make the bag loop-the-loop two or three I have never been anywhere in the country, let alone the county, and seen times before handing it over. Ah yes. Service, I seem to remember it was a better independent publication than The Edge. And hey, that’s not me called, way back in the day.) blowing smoke up my own ass. That is simply a matter of fact. I digress. I have some wonderful contributors and I like to think I put in a fair old shift The Edge has proved to be the most popular publication of its kind in myself and it’s always fulfilling to see each individual piece of the jigsaw Chelmsford since it was first established in October 1996. begin to form a whole. Only I couldn’t half do with meeting Mr. Goldfinger.

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!"#"$%& CITIZEN !"#$%%&'()"*+,-).-",+"/0.-"1(&2$%3"&-"4$%3"5&%0-)6 !! ! ! ! Nice? ! Just ! Do It! Thinking ! ! ! about !! !! !visiting

! Promenade !! the ! !! !season ! With keep returning ! ! undoubted (1.5'4&7)N*94*2*247.8**UVW*4+9*3*4'8(:7**74:9*8 !385.7&9.43*+47*9-* ! !! ! !! ! ! as it !is an ! ! ! festive !! ! ! !!to! the ! !! ! !point. !! ! us! as ! we ! wel! ! behind focal 9-74:,-4:9*4:7*(&5.9&1:*.8*9-7*&9*3*)*'>*9-**:3.;*78&1 ..9.?*3*(41:23*(&3 ! !! !! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! !in! yet ! ! ! market, !! !! !! wonderful ! ! ! Cours ! !! Saleya !! ! !! !!another come So too the &);*39*4+*9-**8&93&;8* (42**.3*2&3>*<&>8 ! ! !! is the ! !! ! !! !street ! Year, ! !!idle ! !! !the!! Old !! Town, ! ! !! !just one ! ! !!back ! ! ! !from !!! the &3)*>4:*3**)*94*+.3)*.9 New in!4*>4:D)*.2&,.3**.9D8*349*&*,7*&9*9.2**94*'**&*9&=.*)7.;*7: ! ! our ! !street ! ! ! !! ! ! !!It boasts ! !! ! a! marvellous ! ! !selection !! wander ! !!! <-&9*<.9-*>4:7*':8.3*88*24)*1*9-7*&9*3*)*'>*9*(-3414D <-*7*;*7*>4:*(&38"4 thoughts Promenade. ! ! !!start! to ! ! ! ! ! daily ! ! of! ! where ! ! ! ! ! ! ! For ! example, ! ! ! ! !! !days. ! ! ! ! to ! ! ,>*349*431>*43*43**+7439:*':9*43*9<4*+74398:*&3)*..9.?*3 9-.8**3):*..9.?*3*-&8*94 about go for fresh produce as well as specialist ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! holiday ! of ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! -&8**;*7>*8>25&9->*&8*4:7*(&''.*8*&7**9-**8&19*4+*9-* (43+*88*9-&9*9-.8 ! ! Monday, ! ! ! ! Cours ! ! Saleya ! ! ! ! turns ! ! !an our main every ! ! ! ! into ! !Antique ! ! ! ! ! !! a! week! ! ! !find !fascinating ! ! ! !!! ‘Brocante’, *&79-*D**=(*11*391>*034<1*),*&'1**)7.;*78*&3)*:8:&11> 2439-D8*5.*(**4<*8*.98 !!!! or ! ! !! ! !where ! ! or! !maybe 2017, Market, ! ! ! ! you! can ! ! ! bargain ! ! !! or ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ,7*&9*7&(439*:78*9448* 47.,.3*94*&*;.8.9*94*9-* !! ! ! !antiques ! ! and!! collectables. end French bric-a-brac, !! ! ! !!break ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! K4<*;*7:*9-**,7*&9*#'*7*89&3)D4++*7*2.3)8*..9.?*3*4+ :7.3&18*.3*9-**$*89 ! ! !ship !some ! !! ! ! !! three. We had visited! Nice briefly from a cruise ! ! !!ten ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! !! ! !! 9-**8.9:&9.43*.3*9-***&71>**.,-9.*8*<-*3*9-**57.39*:3.438 !9&3)*&9*!58<.(-*"4<3 ! !!seen, ! ! perhaps still lagyears! before and, having liked what we’d vowed !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!While ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! !! !! !! !! ! !! ! ! 97.*)*94*57*;*39*9-**.3974):(9.43*&3)*:8**4+*3*<*9*(-341D ?449'&11*.1:'A** ! ! ! behind to return It is! only surprising ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !ging ! ! ! ! ! Spain ! and ! ! !for a!few! ! days. ! !! ! ! ! ! !that !it took ! ! ! ! ! ! 4,>*94*7*51&(**9-**41)*97&).9.43&1*C-49*2*9&1D*574):(9.43 B4<*'*+47**7*&)*78*)7&<*9-*.7*4<3*(43(1:8.438:*9-48* ! ! ! to! do! so. ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! far as ! !a beach! holiday ! is! concerned, ! ! ! the ! Greece so us so long ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2*9-4)88 <-4*&99*3)*&3>*854798*;*3:**<.11*034<*9-&9*9-**,*398 ! ! not ! ! being ! ! list!! of favourite ! French Riviera is !still!! !way up there on my The! ! weather was lovely, while too stiflingly ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! .42548.9478*&3)*49-*7*97&).9.43&1*<470*78*.3*9-&9*.3):8D 144D8*&9*+449'&11*(1:'8:*(4:39>*(7.(0*9*,74:3)8*&3)*9-* ! ! restaurants !! !! and! bars ! !! !and ! ! ! !with ! resort !! ! of Nice ! ! hot. The ! ! ! !!! destinations ! the ! ! paramount ! !! ! ! were ! ! ! plentiful, ! ! ! ! varied ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! Posters Full Colour getaway ! 97>*<*7**80.11*)*,:>8*8*7;.3,*:5*94*&*X*>*&7*.3)*39:7*) 1.0*:*&7**+*79.1**9*77.947>*+47*&);*79.8*78*<.9-*9&7,*9*)*574D !! ! ! of! cuisine, ! ! ! ! ! suit ! ! attractive ! ! ! ! ! !! !destinations. ! ! among with a! wide ! ! ! !its!! !many (on 165gsm Matt Poster) ! !choice ! ! ! ! ! !with! !prices ! ! to ! !every- ! ! ! ! alternative ! ! !! ! ! ! &557*39.(*8-.5*<.9-*9-**&'.1.9>*94*7*&)*:58.)**)4<3*&3) 249.438*94*&*(&59.;**&:).*3(*:*84*94*85*&0:*<-4*(&3349 ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! So Citizen’s one. ! !! in!! France’s ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! experiences ! !! ! !from a! week ! !spent ! ! ! '&(0*94*+7439:*&3)*24;**1.3*8*4+*2*9&1*9>5**M-*3(**C1.34D +&.1*94*8***9-**8:'91**D*&3)*349*84*8:'91**@*2*88&,*8 ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! populous ! in !the early ! !!part !! ! ! ! ! !centre, ! ! of! !Mrs ! !Citizen, ! was fifth most The shopping ! city ! of!! last! summer !to! the!! delight ! ! ! ! 9>5*DN*&74:3)*94*574):(**&*5*7+*(91>*1&.)*4:9*5&,*8*!3 ).851&>*)*&9**>**1*;*1*<-.1**9-*>*,4*&'4:9*9-*.7*':8.D ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! with both ! ! the! major ! French ! !and ! ! ! ! form column. excellent, ! the! subject ! ! ! of! this! ! month’s!! New ! !Year’s ! ! international +&(9:*+47*)*).(&9.43*94*9-*.7*(7&+9:*.9*<&8*2:(-*1.0**9-* 3*888 ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! headline, ! ! from ! the ! well ! !! as ! ! ! borrowing ! !it does, ! ! ! you’d ! ! ! ! as ! ! local ! ! ! !specialty Why the names expect, ! ! ! ! as !! ! many ! ! ! (&''>D8*034<1*),**9*898 .425:9*7*,&2*8:*(&7*14&38*&3)*':),*9*+1.,-98*8**2 !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! !! !The !slogan ! !of one ! ! of! the ! two !largest ! ! ! splendid ! olive ! ! oil ! ! ! ! shop!Le! Moulin ! ! à huile famous sportswear shops. 7.39*:3.438*8:(-*&8*9-**BTI*1&.)*8.*,**94*9-**3*< 545:1&7*&9*+449'&11*2&9(-*8:*<-.1**(7.(0*9:*<.9-*.98*81.,-9D ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! in the ! !! world? ! ! ! ! !comes ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! Alziari ! ! particularly manufacturers d’Olive in Bd! de la! ! Madeleine ".2*8*51&39*&9*$&55.3,*):7.3,*<-.(-*9.2**9-**3*<85&D 1>*41)*7*)*24,7&5-.(:*4+9*3*+*&9:7*8*57.;&9**-*&19-*(&7* Black Ink Plans/CAD ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !because ! ! !Who’d ! ! ! ! ! ! ! their ! name ! ! from the! ! ! ! ! thought ! ! ! ! business ! ! !! ! ! Well, to mind. 5*7*<&8*349*5:'1.8-*)*+47*&74:3)*YY*2439-8*.3*YZ[\8** &3)*)*8(7.59.;**8>259428*4+*:7.3&7>*574'1*28*&8*&*<&> ! ! ! have ! ! ! ! ! a family ! !! !! ! !! estab! ! ! they! !!both ! !! derive ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! same source lished in 1868 and in just olive !oil !would !still !9*4((:77*)*94*..9.?*3*&9*9-**9.2**4+*9-**5749*89*D*&3) 4+*(-**7.3,*:5*+&38*.3*9-*.7*242*39*4+*3**)8 01245 26 25 27 ! ! specialising ! ! ! -! namely ! !the! Greek ! goddess ! of victory, ! after !!strong ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! 25 Duke Street, Chelmsford CM1 1TB ! ! !whom ! ! those ! ! ! clever ! ! people, ! ! the Ancient ! ! ! !today? 43(**&,&.3*<.9-*94)&>]8*)*243897&9.438*&,&.389*#'*7*D F:9*9-**574249.43*7*(*391>*85499*)*'>*..9.?*3:*-&;.3, Nike, be going ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! Call us today or visit us in store for details! Prices inclusive of VAT ! named ! ! the whole ! ! !! ! ! !of Marseille !! ! ! won't ! spend ! !a week ! in Nice without ! ! wanting !! ! ! 9-&9*O.3,*.&3:9**-.28*1+*43*&*9-743**43*9-**'&308*4+ ):1>*6:*:*)*+47*.98*9:73*&9*-&1+D9.2*:*<&8*(4251*9*1>* Greeks, around You !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! to! sam! !! ! ! !!! !! region !! !!! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! which ! ! ! called! Nikaia.! ! ! ! ! and! excursions ! !on! offer. ! 9-**"-&2*8*&9*^4(01&3)8:*)*2&3).3,*9-&9*9-**7.;*7 ).++*7*398*!9*<&8*+47*&*9&=.*&55*)4<314&)&'1**D*':9*5*7D 350 BC, ple one tours ! of! the! many ! ! ! !! ! ! they ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! +14<8*.3*9-**45548.9**).7*(9.43:*<4:1)*:19.2&9*1>*-&;**&8 ! ! equally ! little ! known ! ! ! fact ! that ! the ! ! !is, of! course, ! ! the It-&58*349*&9*9-&9**=&(9*242*39*.3*9.2**D*.3*'49-*&3 is perhaps another There ubiquitous Open Top Bus Tour ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 2:(-**++*(98 .":3*8*&3)*I3)74.)*?472&98*I3)*349*/:89*&3>*9&=.*&55 ! ! !! ! ! ! the ! ! ! !and ! ! ! !! slogan comes that takes ! you ! ! ! city ! ! ! with! an ! ! from ! last ! ! of! the American ! ! !itself ! ! the !! words ! ! !! ! !!around ! !!! ! ! its! !suburbs _;*39:&11>:*&3)*.3*;.9&'1>:*9-**3*<*57*88*8*7411*)*&3) ':9*&*'1&(0*(&'*9&=.*&55*9-&9*.22*).&9*1>*897:(0*..9.?*3 ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! over serial !killer informative ! ! !! ! relayed ! ! ! ! to! you !! ! !who ! !the!! firing ! ! ! !Gary ! Gilmore, ! !when ! !facing !! !! multi ! ! lingual!! commentary 3*<*9*(-3414,>*<&8*&)459*)*9-74:,-4:9*9-**.3):897>: &8*9-**+.789*97:1>*548.9.;**+.,-9*'&(0*.9*-&)*8**3*'>*9-* ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! squad was asked if he had any last words, and replied, your ‘free’ bus tour headphones. This tour definitely ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! &8*.8*&1<&>8*9-**(&8*:*'*(&:8**>4:*8.251>*(&3349*:3.3D 97&).9.43&1*K&(03*>*.&77.&,**'7.,&)**&,&.389*9-**,74<D ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !the! other ! ! excursion !! ! ! Citizen “Just do won’t !! disappoint, ! ! ! ! unlike !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! it.” ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ;*39*842*9-.3,*43(**.9D8*9-*7*8* .3,*57*8*3(**4+*#'*78 ! ! ! ! !!digresses. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! But Citizen booked. !! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ?47*9-**57.39*.3):897>*9-74:,-4:9*9-**1&9**[WD8*&3)*9-* B4<*.+*..9.?*3*D*<-4*-&8*&*57.39*2*).&*&3)*&);*79.8.3, ! ! as !! being ! ! ! typically ! ! ! ! ! ! an! ! ! ! ! !!trip ! !! ! !from! !the ! !!! !de Nice! every As well There ! ! !! ! French, !!! ! ! is!! a boat !! leaving ! ! ! ! Nice!! also! has ! ! ! Port *&71>*ZWD8*.9*85:73*)*'.,,*7*&3)*'*99*7*3*<85&5*78*&3) '&(0,74:3)*D*-&8*&3>*7*8*7;&9.438*&'4:9*,*398*1&;&947> !! ! to it!!and, ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! Italian flavour indeed, many of the street signs day to the famous resort of San Tropez, forever associ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! *;*3*8&<*9-**1&:3(-*4+*3*<*3&9.43&1*9.91*8*D*"4)&> &)8*M&3)*5488.'1>*1&).*8*43*8*944:*&19-4:,-*+47*4';.4:8 ! !language. ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! and! American !! ! ! Set’! ! of! the are in dual ated !with the!!! European ‘Jet ! ! ! ! ! ! ! M8&)1>*34*143,*7*<.9-*:8N*&3)*"-**!3)*5*3)*39:*9-&9 7*&8438*.9D8*349*'**3*.3*&*548.9.43*94*7*8*&7(-*9-*8*N: !! !! !Nice !has ! ! ! changed ! !! ! ! !hands ! !! ! several !! !! ! ! ! between !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! In fact, times sixties. ! ! !! ! ! ! *;*3*247**8&)1>*(148*8*&8*&*57.39**).9.43*43*V\9.9D8*9-&9*9-*>*)4*9*3)*94*(7&2*+&7*944*2:(-*(45>*.394*9-* ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!choice ! of !going ! nearby !Italy ! ! !- or !to! put ! accurately, ! one ! of ! the ! ! ! ! ! ! principality ! France and it more It was a ! ! ! ! ! to! the ! !!! ! ! ! ! of ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! S&7(-:*5&791>*&8*&*7*8:19*4+*+:79-*7*9*(-3414,.(&1 9*=9*&3)*9-**(425&3>*3&2*8:*5-43**3:2'*78*&3) !! ! ! ! !is!! now ! ! as ! the !! Duchy !! of! ! ! ! had ! ! in what !unified ! ! Italy, ! or! ! to! !Cannes, ! !!! !!both ! ! ! !of! which ! ! previously ! !! ! ! states Monaco we ! ! ! ! ! &);&3(*88*_;*3*3*<*7*9*(-3414,>:*.3*9-**+472*4+*9-* <*'8.9**)*9&.18*&7**4';.4:81>*349**&8.1>*2*247&'1*8* ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! from ! !our cruises. ! !So! we opted ! ! ! !on the ! which from 1416! to 1860! was ! ! in the ! northern ! ! Savoy, visited instead, .39*73*9:*-&8*.25&(9*)*43*7*;*3:*8*M<.9-*&*2.,7&9.43*4+ !3*49-*7*14(&9.438*.9*.8:*4+*(4:78*:*5488.'1**94*:8**43*8 !!of ! Italian ! !! !!Peninsula. ! ! footsteps ! ! ! of ! ! Brigitte !Bardot, ! !! ! !! the ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !to!! follow ! ! ! !in!the !!! ! ! ! ! part Sunday, (1&88.+.*):*&3)*.3*5&79.(:1&7*7*(7:.92*39*&3)*5745*79> !2&795-43**94*9&0**&*5-494*4+*9-**&)*94*7*+*7*94*1&9*7: ! !! !and ! !is! !also ! a!!!British ! place !! Delon ! ! ! Chanel !! !that, !! ! ! and !! ! Coco ! ! ! !go!!! to !the place ! ! ! ! flavour ! ! with! Nice’s ! ! !! There to!! !the Alain &);*79.8.3,N*94*<*'8.9*8*&3)*43*7*&)*78-.5*<.9-*431.3* ':9*.3*9-.8*5&79.(:1&7**3;.7432*39:*9&0.3,*4:9*43*D8 ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! 1950s, ! ! ! ! !became ! !!internationally ! !! ! ! renowned. ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! world famous Promenade des Anglais, translating as in the 2*&38*4+*3*<8*)*1.;*7>8 24'.1**5-43**.3*(&2*7&*24)**<4:1)*'**3*.9-*7*&);.8D ! ! don’t ! !! ! also !! !!had!a! song ! !! ! ! of! the !English’. !! ! ! !! !Let’s ! ! !!just! hope ! !! get! ! ! called ! ! !Tropez’ ! ! !‘San ! !! !! ! !that ! fur!!! ! they ‘Walkway Pink Floyd _31.,-9*3*)*5:'1.8-*78*D*+47**=&251**9-**".2*8*&3) &'1**347*)*8.7&'1*8*?47*9-.8*7*&843:*..9.?*3*(&3349 ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! influenced ! ! the unfolding ! ! self-inflicted ! ! too infuriated with! us over ther Citizen’s choice for a day trip. ^&.1>*S&.1*&3)*9-**4<3*78*4+*14(&1*9.91*8:*.3(1:).3,*'497*(&11*9-**3&2**4+*9-**9&=.*&55*&3)*9-*7**:3+479:3&9*1> ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !our !! ! ! ! new ! !! ! ! ! ! ! The !! trip! and!! the !scenery ! boat !! ! !illustrious 9-**_88*=*.-743.(1**&3)*.-*128+47)*$**01>*B*<8*D*&11 -&83D9*'**3*&*-42**2&9(-*8.3(*8*F:9*.9*(*79&.31>*<&8 mess that is Brexit, which apparently, What a disappointment. !! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !San ! !! ! Trop! itself ! us ! 8&<*<-&9*<&8*-&55*3.3,*&3)*&)&59*)*94*8:7;.;**574D *=(1:8.;*1>*+47*97&).9.43&1*1.(*38*)*9&=.8:*<-.(-*#'*7 PM tells helpfully, means Brexit (whatever that actuwas great. though, in our view, was ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! !less !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! not ! was !thick with! the ! ! means?) ! ! !the ! French ! !choose ! to !rename !it! ):(.3,**=(*11*39*431.3***).9.438*&143,8.)**9-*.7*57.39 .83D98 ally and so. It may have helped that the air ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! of 2-stroke ! fuel ! as, ! of all !! ! ! !! the ! 4++*7.3,88*I3)*9-.8*.8*9-**0*>*D*&)&59*94*8:7;.;*8 ?47*9-**:3.3.9.&9*):*#'*7*.8*&*7*;41:9.43&7>*&55*9-&9 The Promenade des Anglais is, undoubtedly, presmell weekends, we had cho! ! ! !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Day. ! ! ! airport ! ! ! west) ! "-.8*<&8*<->*..9.?*38*;.8.9*94*9-**:7.3&1*&9*!58<.(47.,.3&9*)*.3*!&3*?7&3(.8(4*+47*14(&9.3,*9-**3*&7*89 mier tourist stretching sen the! location !! ! draw, !! ! ! !! from! the ! !! ! (in !the ! ! !!of the ! ! 2016 ! !! Vespa ! World ! ! Scooter ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! literally ! ! !hundreds!of them, ! ! all! over ! des! Etats Unis (east, close to Port de Nice), "4<3*<&8*43**4+*7*1.*+:*.3*247**<&>8*9-&3*43*:*&8*.9 2.3.(&'*&3)**1*(9743.(&11>*-&.1.3,*.9*-&;.3,*&,7**)*9-* to Quai There were from !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ).8(4;*7*)*9-&9*97&).9.43&1*9&=.*)7.;*78*&184*-&)*9-* +&7*8* amounting Europe, circuiting ! ! to! 7 kilometres ! ! ! in!! length. ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! !! ! ! the! town. ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! memory ! you!! cannot !mention ! ! 455479:3.9>*94*&)&59*&3)*34<*-&)*9-*.7*4<3*&558*94 B49*8:757.8.3,1>:*97&).9.43&1*9&=.*)7.;*78*-&9**.9*&8*.9*.8 Citizen We shouldn’t is ! !!guesses ! ! that ! ! ! it anymore ! !! ! ! ! have ! ! !laughed,!!! but !one! abiding ! !! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! (425*9**<.9-*9-**S.3.D.&'*)7.;*3*#'*78 (1*&71>*&*(-&11*3,*:*.+*349*&*9-7*&9:*94*9-**<&>*9-*>*)4 ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! referring ! ! to the !appalling ! ! ! atrocity ! ! that ! motorcycle ! ! !(a latter !day! ‘rocker’ ! !!whose without terrorist of a sole rider ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! !:'8*6:*39*T44,1**7*8*&7(-*-&8*8-4<3*9-&9*9-*7**&7* 9-*.7*':8.3*88:*'49-*43*9-**9&=.*7&308*47*'>*'*.3,*-&.1*) ! ! there ! !! Day, ! on ! last year ! -!just !! !! ! ! must ! occurred Bastille ! ! 14th! July very presence been to! a! gathering ! ! !have ! ! ! !anathema !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! &9*1*&89*9<4*(425*9.3,*K&(03*>*.&77.&,**C-&.1.3,D*&558 .3*9-**897**9:*'49-*4+*<-.(-*&7**9-***=(1:8.;**57*8*7;* ! ! ! ! ! visit! - and just! four days ! !after !France !be ‘mods’) ! ! ! somewhat ! ! ineptly ! a month after our of would arriving and park!! !! D*CT*99D*(4;*7.3,*(.9.*8*8:(-*&8*P43)43:*T1&8,4<: 4+*<-&9*&7**034<3*.3*9-**#O*&8*K&(03*>*.&77.&,*8*47 ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! had successfully, and without major incident, hosted the ing his! ! motorcycle ! at!!the !end ! !of! a! row ! of neatly ! ! !parked ! P**)8:*F.72.3,-&2*&3)*B*<*%470*&3)*CK&.14D*9-&9 842*9.2*8*P43)43*"&=.88* ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !says ! ! people died !! ! as, Euro Football Tournament, when 84 Vespa’s. Citizen ineptly no! sooner!had !said ! 2016 ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ).9(-*)*.98*57.;&9**-.7**&85*(9*&3)*7*9:73*)*94*9-**C5:7.D "-*7**-&;**'**3*-:,**5749*898*D*.3(1:).3,*9-**/&22.3, ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! and were injured. rocker parked !his bike taken a few! steps away, than 9>D*MaN*4+*'1&(0*(&'8*1&89*b(94'*78 4+*(.9>*(*397**897**98*D*.3*2&3>*2&/47*(.9.*8:*.3(1:).3, !! countless ! !! others ! ! badly ! !! ! and ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !!that ! ! ! !from !the! scourge ! the !! ! ! !of! the As with! other cities have !suffered it..9.?*3*.8*(43+.)*39*9-&9*'1&(0*(&'8*&3)*9-*.7*(-**7> toppled! over in direction Vespa's,! thus giving P43)43:* &7.8*&3)*"474394*&8*)7.;*78*4+*9-48**97&).9.43D ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! including London, ! ! New !! York, ! Paris and ! demonstration ! ! ! ! ! ! ! effect’. ! We beat ! of terrorism, a)7.;*78*<.11*<*&9-*7*9-**#'*7*89472*&3)*7*.3;*39*9-*.7 perfect of! the’“domino &1*1&3)2&70*(&'8:*'**9-*>*'1&(0:*>*114<*47*<-&9*;*7*1.;D ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Madrid, keep going to them a24):8*45*7&3).*&8*49-*7*.3):897.*8*-&;**-&)*94*)4*.3 hasty! retreat the ensuing debacle, fearing *7>*&*(.9.*8*+&9-*78*).(9&9*:*&99*259*94*89*2*9-**+14<*4+ ! !! !it!! is! imperative !! ! tourists !! ! !a !reen!!! !! from ! ! ! ! ! ! that !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! and hopefully Nice actment of the regular Easter Sunday event in 9-**,74<.3,*+&(**4+*9*(-3414,>8* #'*7*&3)*C5*78:&)*D*(.9>*(4:3(.18*&3)*49-*7*14(&1*1.(*38D !! ! ! !! ! ! this!! column ! !! ! will serve ! ! to! recommend ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Clacton ! ! ! !! to some of the K4<*;*7:*.9*.8*349*&8*(43+.)*39*9-&9*C"-**O34<1*),*D*<.11 .3,*&:9-47.9.*8*94*C4:91&<D*9-**#'*7*&558*"7&385479*+47 !! ! Edge ! perpe-! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! !60’s. ! !!!! as! !it! is important !! ! !! ! !that! the ! ! ! readers ! early trators A8:7;.;*:*&8*9-**".2*8*(41:23.89* disappointing Citizen P43)43*-&8*7.,-91>*7*8.89*)*9-.88 ! ! don’t ! ! ! ! ! of! damaging ! ! ! ! ! the !! Tropez ! ! ! !would ! ! ! ! ! ! !! achieve ! ! objective ! ! ! ! ! !! ! San ! ! ! -.1.5*.411.38*<749* !still ! ! ! !their ! !! !! ! aside, economy recommend M7*+*77.3,*94*.9*.3*-.8*(41:23*43*YY9-*?*'7:&7>Nc*A8889-* !3*9-**#O*9-*7**-&;**'**3*5749*898*51:8*9-**&99*3)&39 ! ! ! !!destinations. ! perhaps !! ! ! !of tourist ! ! ! ! ! a !holiday, !! ! ! or ! ! ! ! ! a! 4-day ! ! ! long ! ! weekend ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! The break, 80.11*.8*7*):3)&398*"-**O34<1*),**9&0*8*9-7***>*&78 (.9>*(*397**'14(0&,*8*.3*S&3(-*89*7:*T1&8,4<*&3) ! !Promenade !is !! ! !! ! ! !walk !! in!! Nice. ! ! ! ! one!drawback ! ! !is that ! !you can’t ! ! !! ! !impressive ! ! with ! However, ! ! ! ! !! des ! ! Anglais ! ! an &3)*&*8&93&;*<.9-*&3*&334>.3,*;4.(**(&3*)4*.9*.3*8*(D 49-*7*2&/47*(.9.*88*#38:757.8.3,1>:*5*7-&58:*9-**#3.9* its walled fly ! ! ! !stony ! !bathing !! ! !! Southend. ! !! side ! ! ! ! !We ! !! ! ! from ! from ! !Stansted ! ! ! !! or ! !! went EasyJet !! ! beach ! ! !! and ! !! areas ! ! ! ! to! one ! 43)88*"-**9&=.*)7.;*78*&7**-&;.3,*&*1&:,-8B #3.43*.8*&184*.3;41;*)8 and elegant Gatwick. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! and !! ! other. ! !! !This ! ! ! !! ! ! bars, ! hotels ! ! ! on ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! !cafes ! !the I9*9-**8&2**9.2*:*9-**97&).9.43&1*CO34<1*),*D*9*89: ?.3&11>:*9-**3*=9*9.2**!58<.(-*&7**&9*-42*:*..9.?*3*<.11 Citizen includes Hard Rock Café which regular ! also ! ! ! look ! destination, !! !! ! ! ! this ! ! !! a! newly ! ! ! !opened ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! at! !other ! ! !will ! !holiday !! ! ! ! !! ! !! <-*7*'>*57485*(9.;**P43)43*(&''.*8*,4*9-4:,-*&3 -&;**94*(-*(0*4:9*9-**3&2**4+*9-&9*&55*94*(43+.72*9-&9 ! ! from ! !will!!know ! ! !!is! a! favourite ! ! once time readers !! ! !our! local ! ! !airports, ! ! ! occasionally ! ! !future! ! ! ! ! ! ! over ! ! ! !! ! destination ! ! ! ! ! !! at! ! least *=-&:89.;**97.&1*'>*245*)*M<.9-*-&3)1**'&7*24:39*) .9*944*<&83D9*-&;.3,*&*1&:,-88847**;*3*9&0.3,*9-**5.88A ! ! any !! for ! ! !Citizen. months. during ! ! ! ! ! holiday/break !! ! want !! ! !! ! !!You!just ! to!! ! !! !"#$%&%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%'($%)*#$%+,-./%0.&-/1%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Page !!8 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The !!Edge 01245 348256 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A1£15 £2.30

subject to terms & conditions

EDGE

the

2017

HAPPY NEW YEAR

The Edge 243_The Edge 172.qxd 21/12/2016 09:06 Page 9

Do you sing in the shower?

Trade School for 14-16 year olds to open in Chelmsford

Kardash happy to flash the cash on daughter’s footwear and cut back on her own clothing.

Mmmm, look at these...

The Sound Collective Chorus

Aren’t they just the cutest, icklest pair of Airwear booties you ever did see? Aaaaaah, didums. Doesn’t she look sweet in ’em? At 40 quid a pop too.

IN D E L N O YO IVE W UR RIN AR G EA

Essex Youthbuild is a Chelmsford-based charity that has been providing accredited construction skills training to teenagers in Essex for more than 10 years. The charity is now launching a free, after school activity for 14-16 year olds starting Wednesday 11th January at 5.30pm. The initiative, called Trade School, will provide youngsters with a fantastic opportunity to work with skilled tradesmen and try out different trades while gaining some basic construction skills in bricklaying, carpentry, painting and tiling, working in a fun, friendly and safe environment. Running on Wednesday evenings during termtime, young people can learn a skill such as bricklaying, leading to being able to build an arch similar to the one pictured above. They also have the opportunity to move on the following term and try out another trade. Getting some vocational training and experience during school’s Key Stage 4 is a great way to dabble in different trades before finishing the GCSE years and deciding on college courses or apprenticeships. For more information call 01245 461700 or email jane.cosh.eyb@btconnect.com

With more people in the UK suffering from depression, work related stress and anxiety than ever before, there is an antidote right on your doorstep that you may not have even realised. Choir singing! “It’s an excellent way to fight the winter blues,” says SCC director, Emma Durrant. “We have a new members’ night where anyone can turn up, never even having sung before, get swept up in all the fun and find out that they’ve produced something complicated and of quality and never even thought about their troubles.” With a much loved and talked about choir based in Danbury, the Sound Collective hits all the right notes as a modern choir with a youthful vibrancy for all ages. Just as most of us have a varied taste in music, the choir doesn’t label itself as ‘soul and gospel’ or ‘funk and pop’. Instead it sings all styles of music from all eras, working towards exciting performances and appearances. “Singing is just one part of the greater fulfillment you’ll get from singing in a choir,” says Emma. “It’s supportive and fun and I have seen at firsthand the impact choir singing has had on our members. It’s been wonderful to watch people who have never sung outside of their shower before, grow in confidence, happiness and feel a greater sense of camaraderie within the chorus.” Please email tsc.sound@gmail.com to book your FREE SESSION now.

Our Local Butcher can now be your local butcher too

We only use Locally sourced & British high welfare meat Ready for the oven prepared meat & traditional cuts all available

Quick & easy to cook making meal times exciting for you & the whole family

Our Local Butcher has brought the traditional butchers shop into the 21st Century and right to your door. We provide a selection of ready for the oven meats which are quick and easy to cook and our ‘just add’ hints help make it even easier!

Check out Ourlocalbutcher.com for details and use promo code MYLOCALBUTCHER for 10% off your first order.

Ourlocalbutcher.com is now delivering to this area. Register online today for 10% off your first order. Click & Collect also available from Stockbrook Farm Shop & Nursery, Stock Rd, CM4 9PQ.

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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THE HAIRY MONSTER FAT PEOPLE I have been roughly the same weight for the past forty years and if I start to put on a few pounds, I cut down on the goodies, ease off on the red wine and get on my push bike until I'm back to normal. I'm sorry (no I'm not), but the fact that a disproportionate amount of NHS cash is being spent on fat people really ticks me off. It's a self-inflicted injury which should be treated in gyms and not in hospitals, which are for sick people.

A GRAND DAY OUT

MUMMY TUMMY TO

YUMMY MUMMY DNA Group Fit a fun fuelled fitness solution 7 Day FREE Trial Visit: www.bootcampit.com Page 10

My friend Danny is a true legend. He's a high-flier in the City, his work takes him all over the world, he's built like a brick shithouse, plays rugby, and likes a beer or twenty. But most of all, he has a heart of gold. I first met him when I was driving for Crisis at Christmas a couple of years ago and he was on the Logistics side of the operation. I learnt he also volunteers at Great Ormond Street Hospital throughout the year and back in October he raised over £1000 for Action for Children by sleeping rough near Tower Bridge. So when he asked me if I could help organise transport to take his rugby team to a fixture in Suffolk in mid-November, it was the least I could do to drive the coach free of charge. The guys were all late, but we still made it to Corton, near Lowestoft, an hour before kick-off. While the players prepared for the game, I took my mountain bike from the coach's side locker and headed for the Royal Navy Patrol Boat HQ near Ness Point, Britain's most easterly point, four miles away. Both my parents served in the Royal Navy during the war and their ashes are scattered there. After riding a mile or so, I saw a sign saying 'footpath to beach'. Assuming this would lead me directly onto the paved promenade to Lowestoft, I hooked a left. It was only as I gathered speed down the steep slope that it dawned on me that I hadn't reconnected the front brake on Boris after refitting the wheel, which I'd removed in order to stow it in the locker. Stopping, however, was not to be a problem. The footpath ended not at the paved walkway but at the beach several yards short of it. My high speed dash ended abruptly as the wheels immediately embedded themselves in the sand and I was projected over the handlebars. It was, in all fairness, a gentle, if undignified, landing and after assuring several bemused dog walkers that it was all just part of my training as a circus performer, I proceeded on foot to say hello to mum and dad. By the time I had hobbled, limped and pedaled back to Corton Rugby Club, the game was well under way and I watched ’til the end, the result being a narrow victory for Ilford Wanderers. This was cause for great celebration and inebriation in the club house, so the two-hour journey back to London was extended by a further hour or so by frequent toilet stops, burger stops and alcohol top-ups. A thoroughly enjoyable day out with a bunch of great lads. They've asked me to drive them to their next away fixture in Ely. I can't wait for the day to come, but I probably won't take the bicycle this time.

YOUR CALL As someone who drives hundreds of miles a week, I am appalled at the number of people who think they'll get away with using their mobile phones whilst driving, simply because of the low risk of being caught. Easily spotted by their delayed reaction to the traffic ahead moving, they drift from lane to lane and have no idea of the devastation caused by accidents caused by inattention. I need my driving licence. I can't imagine life without it. So I turn my phone off when I start my journey and it doesn't go back on until I am safely parked with the engine off and handbrake on. I fail to see any legitimate excuse for anyone not doing the same. It was therefore music to my ears to hear that Essex Police have now declared all out war on offenders, with the fine being doubled to £200 and the penalty points being doubled to six. This could mean the loss of their licence to newly qualified drivers while professional drivers will have the offencle reported to the relevant licening authority who may well take punitive action when reviewing their qualification to drive. No longer will there be the soft option of a driver awareness course. You get caught, you get punished. Your call.

SACRIFICE What a great year 2016 was! It was a spectacular twelve months for xenophobes, misogynists, racists and billionaires. Not so good for us ordinary folk, but it was well worth the sacrifice, wasn't it? Sacrificing our children's future, that is. The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 243_The Edge 172.qxd 20/12/2016 19:50 Page 11

http://theedgemag.co.uk/blog/subscribe/ http://theedgemag.co.uk/blog/subscribe/ http://theedgemag.co.uk/blog/subscribe/ http://theedgemag.co.uk/blog/subscribe/ You know how, like, you can go online these days and your shopping turns up in a ve-hic-le direct to your home and your bananas have been selected for you and you get exactly the right sort of toilet rolls you want and all of your frozen stuff is still, you know, frozen? But did you also know that it’s a bit like that where The Edge is concerned, in so far as all you have to do is subscribe and Bob’s (that’s Bob, below...he’s a naturist) your uncle, it just appears in your inbox at the beginning of every month and you don’t have to go out and search for a copy. You can just sit on your arse or sit on your head or sit on the toilet and as if by magic, there it is on your computer screen. And all you have to do is subscribe to http://theedgemag.co.uk/blog.subscribe/ What could be simpler? Certainly not rustling up a lasagne as that takes time, does that. Best of all, once you’ve received The Edge, you can sit on your arse or balance on your head some more and read it without ever having to put any clothes on....just like Uncle Bob (below).

SUBSCRIBE2theEDGE

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Calling all posties What time do posties start work these days, because we never get our mail until at least 10.30am? I only ask because if you check out our Cathedral clock (above), you will notice that the big hand is on 12 and the little hand is on 7, and I assure you, readers, that made it 07:00 in the morning, and by then I’d already been pounding our city’s streets for a good hour, getting last months Edge mags oot’n’aboot. Get the weather right and that is such a lovely time of day. You can drive wherever you want to get to with the minimum of fuss and the streets are nice and empty, so you don’t have to swerve in and out of folk, which can be a decidedly tricky manoeuvre when you’re carrying a heavy box of mags on one shoulder, I can vouch. I only have cause for a couple of RES (reet early starts) each month, but even so, I never sleep well the night before as I’m always fearful that my alarm won’t go off at the appointed time (05.30am) and wake me up. However, the thing is, no matter how early you get up, there’s always plenty of folk who’ve beat you to it....such as the jolly nice staff at Cote.

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Juste, Jon & Justin of Bottle Bureau

At last....a bar in Chelmsford for adults! Bottle Bureau opened towards the tail end of November last year, and thank goodness it did, because now there’s a bar in town/city designed (and very tastefully too, it has to be said) by adults for adults. BB is housed in the basement where Waterloo Lane meets New Street and was formerly occupied by Peelers, The Hot House, and Fifty Nine. This latest venture is the project of Justin Cracknell and Jon McKee. Justin founded Limeberry Catering in 2009 and later opened The New London in New London Road, Chelmsford. In 2015 he joined forces with Jon to open The Ship Inn in Burnham-on-Crouch, which The Edge absolutely adores. Formerly a police station, this basement bar was once used to house Essex criminals and there's even a boarded-up tunnel that once led to Shire Hall from the days when it was a courthouse, sentencing naughty peeps to porridge. The guys have created something quite different from anything else in Chelmsford and were attracted by the quirkiness and history of the building. "Opening a bar was a natural progression for us,” says Justin. “While Chelmsford isn’t short of a bar or three, there's nothing quite like this one." Juste adds, “The decor is ‘industrial chic',” and The Edge very much approves of its dim lighting via trendy Edison lightbulbs. BB consists of two interconnecting rooms and a truly hip bar, whilst some of the seating (mini stools) have been tastefully constructed from reconditioned beer barrels topped with soft leather cushion. Framed pictures on the walls hark back to yesteryear and in particular the history of both gin (Bottle Bureau boasts some 41 different varieties) and beer (8 on tap plus a further 48 bottled) from all around the world. Wines, craft spirits, ciders and cocktails are also available. "We’ve chosen Hayman's as our house gin,” says Justin, “which is made in Witham, whilst our light and dark beer comes from Round Tower Brewery situated in Navigation Road, Chelmsford." Cocktails include eight specially-crafted gin variations, including Victorian Tom Cat, consisting of Hayman's Old Tom, Liquor 43, fresh lemon juice, sugar syrup and soda. Or how about trying a Navy Riot, which is Navy Gin, fresh lemon juice, bitters and egg white.

jÉÉwÄxçËá c|éétá

5pm-8pm

FRIDAY

20th JAN. 2017

Village Hall car-park, South Street, Great Waltham. Page 12

Where food is concerned, it’s both interesting and snacky. Bottle Bureau are concentrating on their meat and cheese crates (served on a wooden board/platter, hence the name). Choose any 5 from 10 different cheeses, plus a jar of chutney and artisan crackers. For instance, there’s Tomme de Savoir: mild, semi-firm, cow’s milk, unpasteurised, earthy flavour. Or how about Brie de Meaux: rich, buttery, soft, bloomy rind, unpasteurised. Alternatively, their meat crates consist of sliced prosciutto, cured salami, beer sticks, Trapani green olives and toasted ciabatta. Crates are available daily and cheese crates with a bottle of house wine are available for just £25 between 4pm7pm and are ideal for sharing. Nibbles/snacks are also available. Last, but not least, the vibe is mainly rare groove, funk, jazz and soul - just so long as it’s easily listening and compliments its laid-back surroundings. Why not visit Bottle Bureau on Facebook or @BottleBureau on Twitter.

The Edge 077 646 797 44

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ZAGGER SALE

Readers will be aware from The Edge front cover that the Winter Sale period of the Zagger Fashion Group is now most definitely on! MD Chris Geer recently opened three new Zagger stores in the impressive new Bond Street development, anchored by John Lewis, right here in the city of Chelmsford. Having been trading since the late 1970’s, Chris admits that moving two of his stores from their former Baddow Road location has brought its own element of confusion, as Zagger customers head-scratch and adjust to finding the new stores in Bond Street. The new menswear casual store is located opposite Goldsmiths and John Lewis and offers well known brands such as Ralph Lauren, Armani Jeans, Stone Island and CP Company. The new womenswear store is at the far end of Bond Street (at the junction of Waterloo Lane) and offers customers collections from Michael Kors, Tory Burch, Ralph Lauren, Armani Jeans and Patrizia Pepe, all in a much bigger space than previously along Baddow Road. And with a new men’s Hugo Boss department right next door, Chris feels that he can offer the next generation of shoppers the opportunity to find all the latest brands in Chelmsford, rather than a trip into London, or out of town shopping centres. The original Zagger menswear store still remains in Baddow Road, managed by Paul Dafforn, and the Hugo Boss department too. These shops still retain a distinct character and capture the original essence of an independent menswear boutique. Chris says that ‘Baddow Road is his delicatessen’ and Bond Street ‘a more commercial undertaking’. Perhaps a strange analogy, you might think, but not in any way derogatory to Zagger customers. “Retailing has changed so much since I first began,” says Chris, “and as a group we have had to rise to each new challenge and adapt to an ever changing retail landscape. We do this bearing our loyal, regular customers in mind and hope to enhance their shopping experience throughout our stores.” Chris is hugely excited about the future of the group and opening up new locations in Chelmsford is all part of an ongoing commitment to maintaining independence in fashion retail. “Chelmsford has seen John Lewis open its doors and bring with it a whole new demographic of consumers to the city,” acknowledges Chris. “As our city grows, I feel other big retail names will also see Chelmsford as a magnet for sustainable business and growth. With the pound stabilising against the euro, right now has been a good time for us to invest in new collections and build a strong influence of fashion in our stores.” Speaking to buyer Paul Dafforn about Zagger’s new collections, he explains, “Colmar has been a significant brand for us this season and as an emerging Italian luxury sportswear brand now fits perfectly into our stores. Great quality, stylish outerwear, including real down jackets and coats, gives Colmar the edge over other fashion brands that charge unnecessary amounts for the luxury of ‘the label’. I have spent 20 years at Zagger selecting the very best of what is available in the fashion menswear industry. I hope to maintain the legacy set by Chris since he first founded the company and, along with our other buyers Jan, Paul and Grace, inspire our customers each season with exciting new collections.”

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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Did anyone get a Subbuteo table football set for Crimbly? Can you still buy Subbuteo? Surely it is the greatest footie game ever invented? (What’s that Football Manager thing like? Is it something you do online? I’ve heard of it, but I don’t know anything about it, so can some footie mad reader kindly fill me in?) For a start, when you receive a Subbuteo set as a present, it is a box-and-a-half (i.e. a proper sized burpday or Crimbo pressie). When I got mine many moons ago (45 years to be precise) it came with a green cloth pitch plus all the markings (magnificent), two sets of goals with nets, two teams (red tops, white shorts, red socks versus blue tops, white shorts, blue socks (not so magnificent) and a plastic ball that was as big as the players themselves. Oh what sweet memories. But the best thing of all was that you could buy whole new teams in all different kits and get a smaller ball and buy some proper sexy goals, one with red netting and one with blue netting, each with pin-holes on either side to stop them

And if you bought, for instance, Brazil or El Salvador (lil plastic kits), then the players would be black too. (Talk about authentic!) It was always called Subbuteo table football, but I only ever met one kid (Marcus Durkin) whose dad somehow managed to lay his son’s pitch properly on a table top up in their attic. Most of us played on the carpet, but it had to be the right sort of carpet, otherwise you couldn’t run your finger across the cloth smoothly enough. Which is why I believe the vast majority of us were cheats, because I never, ever flicked the player (as you see in the illustration belowright), unless I was trying to get out of a snooker type situation. So on our knees on the floor we would be, which caused the illustration you see bottom-left to occur on more than a few occasions. Only we never seemed to have any decent glue in our house, so my mum told me to use some of her nail varnish instead. Hence a lot of my players ended up looking as though they were wearing

man, not which particular team I supported. We ended up changing the rules too, because 8-6 scorelines only ever occurred in ‘real (plastic) life’ north of the border. So we placed the stick part (that you held on to) of the goalkeepers against the crossbar, so that when you were defending, you could easily move the ’keeper out to the edge of his 18 year area. You were also only ever allowed to shoot at goal once you’d got into....well, I guess it must have been a ‘30 yard from goal’ line that all Subbuteo pitches had, but real football pitches didn’t, and don’t to this day. We introduced a maximum three (consecutive) touch rule too, so you’d never have got a Ryan Giggs dribble/goal on our cloth/turf. But we did change ends at half-time (either to the TV end or the dad’s chair end), have throw-ins and freekicks, but rarely would a player get sent off. I absolutely loved Subbuteo. And hey, do any of those reading this (please tell me that someone is?) remember them doing a blue cloth pitch? I know! Tell me about it, but my cousin had one.

“Jesus H., referee! He’s gone over the top and done me like a kipper.”

That is what The Edge calls ‘parking the bus’.

Maybe this is how you’re supposed to flick it, but I never did.

moving about so much, and without (important this bit) any rear plastic stansion, thus the ball would then swish into the goal, rather than arrive making a clunkier type of sound.

pink socks and matching pink boots. The tarts. Some of my favourite kits in my extensive collection were Ajax, Blackpool, Celtic and Manchester City. Hey, it was all about the colours,

The Edge would like to hear from anyone who can confirm that the game is still going strong as it formed an important part of my childhood. “Just flick to kick!”

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Replacement aluminium windows for period and new homes

Young maaaaannnnn! Here’s young David at Pret a Manger (what does Pret a Manger actually mean? Perhaps it’s a play on Baby Jesus in a Manger?) and the naughty boy is handing me TWO FREE COFFEES! Ahhhhhh, shock, horror. I hope that is not a sackable offense at Pret? Penalising a young man with his whole future ahead of him for taking matters into his own hands and showing some initiative when questioned about their lack of a Loyalty Card system. “Sorry, sir, we don’t have one,” David told me, “but you can have these drinks on me instead (or words to that effect).” Said with a smile and appreciated by the customer 100%, so Pret ought to be promoting him, The Edge reckons. And they do say there’s no such thing as bad publicity, don’t they? So do you think I’d be giving Pret this ickle write-up if I’d merely had to shell out for my brews, as per usual? Good heavens, no. So perhaps David ought be made MD , the youngest in the company’s history? Or at least achieve immediate area manager status with a new Jaguar F-Pace as his company car. The Edge has always been a big Costa fan who’s never much cared for the flavour of the Starbucks equivalent. But I do have to say, the coffee they serve at Pret is rather nice. In fact, very nice indeed.

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Cars, Coffee & Cigars

ts been a long time since a classic car has graced Bond Street such as the beautiful example pictured below. When Mercedes built the 250SL in 1967 it was only the elite that had access. Roll forward 50 years and things have changed. It’s undoubtedly still an eyecatcher and last month, Chris Geer, owner of Zagger in Bond Street, hosted a new, regular meeting group called ‘Cars, Coffee & Cigars’. He invited motoring enthusiasts to bring their cars to show at the top end of Bond Street (where it meets Waterloo Lane). Along with his son Latham, Chris hopes to attract owners of sportscars, supercars and classic cars (such as this Mercedes) to regular events starting this Spring, whilst offering members of the public an opportunity to see some truly great automobiles...and enjoy a coffee (or a cigar). Local dealerships will also showcase new models such as Ferrari, Porsche, Maserati and Bentley. Ease of parking makes it accessible to all. “It seems as though fashion and cars go hand in hand.” says Latham. “It will be exciting to see who turns up each month and we look forward to welcoming enthusiasts and collectors to discuss and chat all that is motorcars.” What better reason is there to get out of bed on a Sunday morning!

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expenditure by 5%, totalling around120 calories per day. In short, the MCTs in Coconut Oil have been shown to increase calories burned over 24 hours by as much as 5%, potentially leading to significant weight loss over the long term.

Coconut Oil should come with a cape and a pair of red underpants There are supposedly such things as superstars, supermodels and superfoods, right? Only this mags attitude to all three has always been pretty much ‘PAGH!’ apart from where Naomi Campbell and possibly Quorn are concerned. However, I was at my printers last month, signing off the December proofs, when I forgot to duck whilst moving from one room to another (they have a dwarf-hatch of a door-frame between the two) and I fair clouted the top of my head. Honestly readers, I saw stars for a second or two and cartoon birds were fluttering around my head tweeting. Bottom line is that I took a layer or three of skin off my bald dome. It was proper sore, I had a headache for almost two days with the impact and the soon to form scab looked pretty horrendous to say the very least. When I got home, my wife immediately produced a jar of Coconut Oil that I’d only ever previously seen her cook with. “And?” I somewhat off-handedly enquired. “Keep slapping this on,” she ordered. And do you know what? That scab healed within a single week. I couldn’t believe it as my head had been a horrible mess, but there’s obviously something to do with Coconut Oil that is far more than talking-the-talk. So The Edge delved a little deeper. Our 283ml glass jar is organic extra virgin coconut oil and comes courtesy of The Groovy Food Company. It contains 92.5g fat, 86.6g of which are saturates. It also has 0% carbohydrate, 0% sugars, 0% protein and 0% salt. It is supposedly made from the flesh of hand-picked coconuts and its benefits include weight loss, better brain function, skin health and much, much more. Honestly, if I’d read all that, it would have been in one ear and straight out the other. Only I have seen what it can do with my own beady eyes, readers, and I am 100% convinced this oily stuff warrants your further attention. Here are some of its health benefits... 1. Fatty Acids Coconut Oil has been demonised in the past, due to it containing saturated fat. In fact, Coconut Oil is one of the richest sources of saturated fat known to man. However, new data now shows that saturated fats are mostly harmless and those found in Coconut Oil are of medium-chain (look it up if you care to) which go straight to the liver from the digestive tract where they are quickly converted into energy, or turned into so-called ketones, which can have a therapeutic effect on brain disorders such as epilepsy and Alzheimer’s. 2. Populations that consume a lot of Coconut Oil are healthy Coconut Oil is an exotic food in the Western world, primarily consumed by health conscious peeps (like me and Mrs Edge). However, in some parts of the world, coconut is a dietary staple that people have thrived upon for many generations. The best example are the Tokelauans, who live in the South Pacific. They consume over 60% of their calories from coconuts and are the biggest consumers of saturated fat in the world. So do they keel over and die when they reach 50? No. They are in great health with absolutely no evidence of heart disease. So too are the Kitavans. In short, plenty of populations around the world have thrived for multiple generations eating massive amounts of coconut fat - and rubbing it on the scabs that form on their heads. 3. Coconut Oil can help burn more fat Obesity is currently one of the biggest health problems in the world. While some people think obesity is only a matter of calories, others believe that the sources of those calories are vitally important too. It is a fact that different foods affect our bodies and hormones in different ways. In this regard, a calorie is not simply a calorie. The medium-chain triglycerides (MCTs) in Coconut Oil can increase how many calories we burn compared to the same amount of other fats. One study found that 15-30 grams of MCTs per day increased 24 hour energy

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4. Coconut Oil can reduce hunger, helping you eat less One interesting feature of Coconut Oil is that it can reduce your hunger. This may be related to the way in which the fatty acids it contains are metabolised, because ketones can have an appetite reducing effect. In one study, varying amounts of medium and long chain triglycerides were fed to 6 healthy men and the men eating the most MCTs ate, on average, 256 fewer calories per day. Another study of 14 healthy men discovered that those who ate the most MCTs at breakfast ate fewer calories at lunch. These studies were small and only done for a short period of time. Yet if this effect were to persist over the long term, it could have a dramatic influence on body weight over a period of several years. 5. The fatty acids in Coconut Oil are turned into Ketones, which can reduce seizures A so-called ketogenic (very low carb/very high fat) diet is currently being studied to treat various disorders. The best known therapeutic application of this diet is treating drug-resistant epilepsy in children. This diet involves eating very little carbohydrates and large amounts of fat, leading to greatly increased concentrations of ketones in the blood. For some reason, this diet can dramatically reduce the rate of seizures in epileptic children, even those who haven’t had success with multiple different types of drugs. Because the MCTs in Coconut Oil get shipped to the liver and turned into ketones, they are often used in epileptic patients to induce ketosis while allowing for a few more carbs in the diet. 6. Coconut Oil can improve blood cholesterol levels Coconut Oil contains healthy saturated fats. The saturated fats in Coconut Oil may increase ‘good’ HDL cholesterol in your body, but also help convert the ‘bad’ LDL cholesterol into a less harmful form. Coconut Oil may also improve other risk factors and therefore protect against heart disease. In one study of 40 women, Coconut Oil reduced total and LDL cholesterol while increasing HDL, compared to soybean oil. There are also rat studies showing that Coconut Oil reduces triglycerides, total and LDL cholesterol, increases HDL and improves blood coagulation factors and antioxidant status. 7. Coconut Oil can protect hair against damage, moisturize skin and function as sunscreen Coconut Oil can serve various purposes that have nothing to do with eating it. For instance, many people are using it for cosmetic purposes and to improve the health and appearance of both their skin and hair. Studies on individuals with dry skin show that Coconut Oil can improve the moisture and fat content of the skin. Coconut Oil can also be very protective against hair damage and one study also shows its effectiveness as a sunscreen, blocking about 20% of the sun’s ultraviolet rays. Another application is using it like a mouthwash in a process called oil pulling, which can kill some of the harmful bacteria in the mouth, improve dental health and reduce bad breath. 8. Coconut Oil can help you lose fat - especially harmful abdominal fat Given that Coconut Oil can reduce appetite and increase fat burning, it makes sense that it can also help you lose weight. Coconut Oil appears to be especially effective at reducing belly fat, which lodges in the abdominal cavity and around organs. This is the most dangerous type of fat of all and is highly associated with many chronic diseases. Waist circumference is easily measured and is a great marker for the amount of fat in the abdominal cavity. In a study of 40 women with abdominal obesity, supplementing with 30ml (two tablespoons) of Coconut Oil per day led to a significant reduction in both BMI and waist circumference in a period of 12 weeks. Amazing stuff! Another study in 20 obese males noted a reduction in waist circumference of 2.86 cm (1.1 inches) after just 4 weeks of 30ml (two tablespoons) of Coconut Oil per day. This number may not seem too impressive on the surface, but be aware that these people aren’t adding exercise or restricting calories. They’re simply losing significant amounts of belly fat by adding Coconut Oil to their diet. Beware: Not all Coconut Oil is the same. In order to enjoy the health benefits outlined in the article, you must purchase organic, virgin coconut oil, as opposed to the refined stuff.

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Hole in my Shoe I woke up with this song strangely in my mind the other morning. Traffic’s number 2 hit from 1967, only Neil from The Young Ones apparently also got to number 2 with it when he rereleased it in 1984. I was six ast the time (in 1967, not 1984), but I didn’t like it then and I don’t like it now. Just have a read of the lyrics, readers. Have you ever heard/read a bigger load of bullshit in all your lives?

Hillbilly Brothers Edge columnist Steve Ward, now retired in San Diego (despite his columns being headed up California Dreamin’, I still don’t think a lot of you appreciate the fact that he pens his thoughts from the sun every month), has a Harley Davidson and he’s made numerous trips on it throughout America, sometimes a little off the beaten track. He’s mentioned to me a time or two that he’s glad he’s in San Diego and not some of the places he’s ventured through. Perhaps he was alluding to people the likes of these guys (above)? Now I know the term hillbillies is somewhat derogatory and we appear to live in an overly PC world these days, but don’t you think it would freshen things up a bit if these brothers were meet’n’greet guys on the front doors of the all new John Lewis store in Chelmsford? Just to keep all and sundry on their toes and throw all punters a bit of a curveball.

Getting Lippy

I looked to the sky Where an elephant's eye Was looking at me From a bubblegum tree And all that I knew The hole in my shoe Was letting in water (letting in water) I walked through a field That just wasn't real Where a hundred tin soldiers Would shoot at my shoulder And all that I knew The hole in my shoe Was letting in water (letting in water) (I climbed on the back of a giant albatross Which flew through a crack in the cloud To a place where happiness reigned all year round Where music played ever so loudly) I started to fall And suddenly woke And the dew on the grass It stuck to my coat And all that I knew The hole in my shoe Was letting in water (letting in water)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Essex was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of its 13-year-old girls were beginning to start using lipstick and would apply it liberally in the toilets. That was fine (sort of), but after they’d applied their lippy they would then press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip-prints all over it. And every night the janitor would have to remove them, but the very next day the girls would start the process all over again. Finally, the headmistress decided that something had to be done. So she called all the girls to the toilets where they met the janitor. She explained that all of their lip-prints were causing a major problem for the poor person who had to clean the mirrors every evening (can’t you just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to get the large mirror lippy free, she asked the janitor to show the girls how much effort was required. So he took out his cloth, dipped it into the nearest toilet bowl, and began cleaning the mirror with it. Since that demonstration, there have been no further lip-prints on the mirror. You see, there are teachers and then there are educators.

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THE PERILS OF DRIVING

The Edge understands there was a recent clampdown by police on drivers using their mobile phones at the wheel, but when you consider the perils of driving, you can pretty much take your pick of offenses that presumably are common to many of us. Look at this photograph on the right. At this time of year, the sun sits much lower in the sky and on wet roads us drivers can very often be blinded, yet we and the traffic around us are still doing 70mph. Why is that? To save time. I once read an article on a woman who got done by the police for driving without due care and attention, all because they had spotted her with a half-eaten apple in one of her hands on the steering wheel, and I remember thinking at the time that that was a bit harsh. In fact, I still think it’s totally out of order and taking the law ridiculously to the nth degree. However, be honest, how many of you have eaten a sandwich at the wheel? And how often has a bit fallen out and landed on your lap? Perhaps a slice of tomato, or a chuck of coronation chicken. You’ve then got to put the sandwich down somewhere, make good where the bit of fallen food landed, reengage with your sandwich, all whilst driving a motor vehicle. I hold my hands up. I’ve been in that situation and is my concentration level all that it should be at such times? No, clearly it isn’t, because I’m hoping that what fell out of me sandwich won’t stain me pants. But why am I even eating a sandwich whilst driving in the first place? Doubtless because I’m hungry, but also to save time. The fact is though, and I’ll be totally honest with you here, I’ve had two accidents which were my fault in almost 40 years of driving. Thankfully no-one was injured in either scenario, but on both occasions I drove into the car in front and on both occasions music was playing rather loud. What constitutes too loud? Is the decibelic volume subjective? No, I don’t think it is. I think too loud is when you are cocooned by sound so that you

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are not engaging with the outside world in the way in which you should be. Yet I’ve never heard or read of a case where the police decided that a driver had been distracted by their car radio, have you? What about the cup-holders in our cars? Some are on our dashboards, but some are in front of the gearstick. Because they’re there at all, it seems to make us think that it’s okay for us to drink & drive. But is it? Particularly if, like on my present vehicle, the plastic holder is located in front of the gear lever, pretty much guaranteeing that the driver needs to avert his/her eyes from the road to at least put it back firmly in its designated slot. But what if you fail to do that, one-handed, of course? And what if you’ve got the coffee contents going everywhere? Particularly at 70mph? Using a mobile phone at the wheel is rightly against the law, but what gets me is the numerous ways in which a driver can get equally distracted, and they’re far too numerous to mention. Many of us have touch-screens in our vehicles these days for legally answering our ’phones. But what about when you’re trying to choose an album to listen to on a touch-screen? At 70mph? Or a particular track on an album? Also at 70mph? It’s that whole music conundrum once again. And what about when the radio station you’ve been happily listening to somehow mysteriously transfers to an entirely different station and you want to get it back sharpish. Whilst you’re doing that, the concentration you were giving to your driving is clearly lessened, right? Often at 70mph (and sometimes more than that speed, if we’re truthful). We were all rightly horrified when we saw those aeroplanes go into the Twin Towers and personally, it was the very first time I’d ever thought of an aeroplane as also being a destructive missile. But perhaps it’s high time we ought think of our very own motor vehicles in precisely the same light?

How to achieve your training goals this winter Just because the sun’s not out doesn’t mean your fitness routine should be placed in the shade. The mornings are colder and the temptation to stay under the covers is tenfold, but now’s the best time to lock down a routine, work hard throughout winter and reap the rewards come the summer. One of the best ways to make sure that your general fitness and wellbeing doesn’t slide is to set yourself some goals. The lucky few out there can train day-in, day-out, no problem. But for most of us we need goals – however big or small – to help keep us motivated. What can we do about that? We can’t change the seasons, but we can make sure that we are setting ourselves some realistic fitness goals to help keep us moving and more highly motivated to get to our training sessions as the thermostat takes a nosedive. Goals give us something positive to work towards. They give us a focus and a purpose for turning up to train. So break the goal down into realistic, manageable tasks; checkpoints if you will. Setting these mini checkpoint targets will make sure you are able to see real improvements and experience positive reinforcement along the way for all the hard work you put in. You could set reminders on your phone or even write it in your diary so that you constantly see it and work towards it like an action plan. This helps to keep your consistency in training. To make your ultimate goal achievable you need to help yourself get motivated as the more you forget, or push it to one side, the less likely you are to reach the target you were hoping to achieve.

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CRYSTAL-AMAZING

Las month I was lucky enough to realise a childhood dream by taking part in the Crystal Maze. Hopefully most of you will remember the early nineties C4 show hosted by Richard O’Brien. You will recall that the objective of the show was to amass as many time crystals as possible by playing the games in four different zones. Winning a game secured a crystal, worth five seconds of time, for the team in the Crystal Dome. When the team reached the Crystal Dome, they had to collect as many gold tokens as possible in order to win a prize.

Billy Hinken Amazingly some bright spark has come up with the idea of recreating the show in real life. Now you can buy tickets, head off to a disused office block in Angel, Islington, and take part in the experience yourself. I must admit, even though I wasn’t particularly good at the games, the experience was fantastic and everything I thought it would be. As I was going round the various zones I kept thinking to myself, ‘If only the 10-year old me could see me now, I think he’d think I’d made a huge success of my life!” Get your tickets now, folks, at www.the-crystal-maze.com

UA L I T NQ Y

F O OD

MIC

It was nice to see the government award a new £1.4bn contract to Abellio Greater Anglia to run our train services for the next 9 years. That is a fantastic reward for a company that has delivered consistently in terms of late trains, bus replacement services and terrible customer service. I'm genuinely not interested in what statistics they present on

BOND STREET

I have to say, I am quite impressed with the all new John

Lewis development at Bond Street, Chelmsford. I was sceptical when the proposals were first announced and, if I’m honest, thought it was going to be a bit of an expensive damp squib. However, I am extremely happy to have been proved wrong. John Lewis & Co. have delivered a quite impressive shopping centre that has brought with it some much needed investment to the area. Now all we need is for some entrepreneurial person/company to take over the running of that long vacant premises opposite Tesco on Springfield Road and turn it into a thriving success. I'm not sure whether the building is cursed, but no one ever seems to be able to run a successful business there.

THE ANCHOR RIVERSIDE

MICHELIN BIB GOURMAND

2017

TIO

ABELLIO GREATER ANGLIA

their website, because as a commuter, I have first-hand experience of their most underwhelming service. The new franchise is said to come with over 1,000 new trains and a 10% reduction in journey times. There is also a promise of free Wifi, more comfortable seats and discounts for part-time passengers. This all sounds great in theory, but what will they actually deliver? As paying customers, all we truly want is for our trains to run on time and for a reduction in bus replacement services. We pay an extortionate amount of money for the service, but unfortunately we have very little power given the captive market and lack of feasible competition. I hope it all comes good in the end, but I very much doubt it will.

TOUGH LUCK I've seen some rubbish on Facebook in my time, but a recent post on Parent & Child parking bays really takes the biscuit. It seems quite a few residents of Chelmsford think that it's unfair for restaurants, shops and supermarkets to have designated parking spaces for parents with children. Apparently no such things existed in the ‘olden days’ and parents should simply ‘learn how to park properly’. I wonder, do these people also bemoan the fact that we now have seat-belts and cars fitted with SatNav's? Just because it never used to exist before doesn't mean that it's a bad thing now. What harm is there in having designated spaces to ensure that parents can park their cars and get their children in and out of places safely? More to the point, tough luck if you disagree with such designated spaces.

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ONLY JOKING!

FIRST WOMAN ON THE MOON

“Houston, we have a problem.” What’s the problem? “Oh, never mind.” No really, what’s the problem? “Nothing.” Please tell us? “It’s OK. I’m fine.”

GREEN & DANGEROUS Q. What’s green, has four legs and could kill you if it fell out of a tree? A. A snooker table.

DRUMMER A drummer is getting tired of playing the drums, so he goes to a shop and says to the man behind the counter, “Hey man, I’m a musician and I’m getting tired of playing my instrument, so I think I’d like to buy an electric guitar.” The man behind the counter says, “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?” “Hey, you must be psychic, man,” says the drummer. “How did you know that?” The man behind the counter says, “Because this is a fish and chip shop.”

SHOP WINDOW ADVERT One-legged transvestite seeking bald dwarf with goat. Must have own cricket bat, handcuffs and unicycle. No wierdos.

OLD GOAT An elderly uncle is visiting his family for dinner. When they are in the kitchen, the couple’s five year old son gets talking to him. “What are we going to eat?” says the uncle. “I think it’s goat,” says the son.

“Goat? That’s a little unusual”, says the uncle. “How do you know?” The son says, “Because I heard Mum tell Dad we’re having the old goat for dinner.”

TELEVISION A blonde woman goes into an electrical shop and says, “I’d like to buy that television.” The man behind the counter says, “You’re blonde and I’m not selling you that television.” So the woman goes home, dyes her hair red, returns to the shop and says, “I’d like to buy that television.” The man behind the counter says, “You’re blonde and I’m not selling you that television.” So the woman goes home, dyes her hair black, returns to the shop and says, “I’d like to buy that television.” The man behind the counter says, “You’re blonde and I’m not selling you that television.” The woman says, “Does it matter what colour my hair is? Why won’t you just sell me that television?” The man behind the counter says, “Because it’s a microwave.”

ICELAND Bobby Charlton was asked how he thought the England team of '66 would have fared against Iceland at the Euros. "I think we'd have won 1-0," he replied. "Only 1-0?" said the reporter. "Yes," said Bobby. "Most of us are in our 70's now."

ONE LINER You know you’re ugly when you always get given the camera to take the group shot.

TEACHER & PUPIL Teacher: How old is your father? Kid: Six years. Teacher: “What! How is this possible?” Kid: “He only became my dad when I was born.”

THE DEAD COW LECTURE First year students at a prestigious Vet School were attending their very first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They had all gathered around the surgery table containing the dead cow covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities. The first is that you must not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body. For example...” and with that the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger up the dead cow's butt, withdrew it, and then stuck it into his mouth. "Go ahead,” he told his students, “try it.” The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took it in turns to finger the cow’s butt and then suck on them. When everyone had finished and was looking suitably repulsed, the Professor looked at them and said, "And the second most important quality is observation. If you had been paying attention, you would have noticed that I stuck my middle finger up the cow’s backside, yet sucked on my index finger. Life's tough enough, people, but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

SPAGHETTI Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti. And Curry was a surname. But the one thing that was never ever on a table back in the good old days was elbows, hats or mobile (bloody) phones.

SPANISH OYSTERS An tourist stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid. While sipping the house wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was absolutely wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?” The waiter replied, “Si Senor, you have excellent taste. Those are called Cojones de Toro. Bull's testicles from the bull fight this afternoon. A Spanish delicacy.” The tourist said, “Then I’ll have the very same, if you’d be so kind.” The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each day. But if you come back tomorrow, I will be sure to save this delicacy especially for you.” So the following day the tourist returned and that evening was served the one and only speciality delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he inspected his platter, called the waiter over and said, “These are truly delicious, but they are somewhat smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.” The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

SPELLING Teacher: “Glenn, how do you spell crocodile?” Glenn: “K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.” Teacher: “No, that's wrong.” Glenn: “Maybe it is,” replied Glenn, “but you asked me how I spell it.”

SMALL ORGAN I was having sex with my new girlfriend when she happened to quip, “You’ve got a particularly small organ.” I said, Well it’s certainly never played in a cathedral before.”

EARACHE Bethany (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mum explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, “How does it know it's me?”

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!!! ! !!!! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! !!!! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !!!!!! ! ! ! !! !!!! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!!!!!!!!!! !!!! !!!!!! ! ! !!!!!! ! !! !! !! ! !! !!!!!! !!!!! !! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!! !!! !!!!!!!!!!!!! ! !!! !!!! !!! !!!! !!! ! !!!! ! !!! !!!!!! ! !!!!!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! !!!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!! !! !! ! !! !!Edge ! ! ! !! !! !! !!! !21/12/2016 !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! ! !Page ! !23 ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! !!!! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!! The Edge !!! !! ! !! !!!!!! !!! ! !172.qxd !! !! ! ! !!! ! !!! ! !!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! ! !!!!14:59 ! ! !! !243_The !!!! ! !! !!!!! ! ! ! !!!! !!! ! ! !!!!!!!!! !!!! ! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!! ! !!!!! !!!!!! ! !!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! ! !!!!!! ! !!! !!!!!! !! !!!!!! ! ! !!!! !!! !! ! ! !!!!!!! ! ! ! !!! !! ! !!!!! !!!! ! !!!!! !! !! !!!!! !!!!! !!!! !!!! !!!!!! !!!!!!! ! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!!!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! !!!!! !! !! ! !! ! ! !!! !! !! ! !!!! !! !!! ! !!! ! ! !! !!!!! !!! !! !!! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! !! ! !! !!! ! ! !!!! !! ! ! !! !!! !! !!! !! !!! !!!!!! !! ! !! !!!!!!!! !!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!! !!!! !! !!!!! ! ! !!!!! ! ! !! ! ! !! !!!! ! !!! !!! !! ! !! ! !!!!! !!!! !!!!!!!! !!!!!! !!! !!!!! !!!! !!!! !! !! !!!!!! ! !! ! !! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! !! ! ! ! !!!! !! ! !! !!! ! !! !! !!! ! !! !! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !!!!!! ! !!! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !!!!! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !! !!! !! ! ! ! !!! ! !!! !! !! !! ! !!! ! !! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!!! !! ! !! !!!!!!!! !! !!!!!!!! ! !! !! !!! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! !!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!! !!!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!! !!!!!!! !!! !!! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!

!!!!!! FAMILIES !!!!!! ! !!! !! !!TWO

becoming one

!! !! !! !! !! Blended !! !! !! !! !! !! !! are!! becoming !! !! !! common !!!! !! !! !! are !!!! !! !! !! !!!!many !!! !! !!! !! !! !! !! !!!!!!! !! families !!! !!!!!! ! !!!!!! !!! !!!!!!!! !! !! !! more !!!! !! !! !!!!!! !!!!!!! !! as !! !! !!!!!!! !! !!!!!!! !! !!!!! !! !!!!! !! !!! !! people ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !!! !!!! !! of! !! ! ! !!!! ! !!Where !!! !!!involved, ! !! !!!!the!!dynamics !!!! !!!!!! children !! !!! !!!! !!this !! could ! ! choosing ! !! !! !!!! !!to!!!cohabit. !!!!!!! !!!!!are ! !!!!! !!!!change !! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! household. !! ! ! !!There !! ! is no !! to !! the !! !! ! !! ! ! !! solution ! !magic ! ! potential ! ! !! ! ! any ! !!! ! !! ! !! !!!! !!!!! !! ! !!!! !!! !!!!!!! !! ! !! ! ! !!!!! ! !!!!! !!!! ! ! !!! !!!!! !! !!!! !!!! !! ! !! ! !! !! !! ! !! ! !! !! ! difficulties, but you may want to think about a number of issues when deciding ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! to!!live with ! !!!! someone. ! ! ! ! ! whether ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!!! !!!! !! !! !! ! ! ! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!!! !!!! !! !! !! Communication key! !! ! !!!! is ! !! !!!! ! !! !!! !!! !!! ! !!! !!! ! !!!!! ! !! !!!!! ! !!! !! ! !!!!!!! !!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!! !!! !!! !! !! ! !!!!!! !! !! !!!!!! ! ! !!!! !! ! !!! !! !! ! !!!! !!! !!! ! !! ! !!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!!!! !!!!!!! !! !!!!! !! !! !!!! !! ! !! !! ! !! Talk ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! concerns !! children !! ! !! early !! !!! !! !! !! !!!!! !! ! !! to! !!your ! !!!Keep ! !!the !! !!! !!! !!!! ! ! !! !and!!!!address ! ! !!!! !!!!!!any ! !! on. !! !! !ex-partner ! ! !!! !! !! ! children !!! ! !discussions !!!! !! ! !!! !!!!!!!with!!! !your !!!! !! ! !!!!!!! !!! and !!! ! discuss !!!!! !!!!!!!your ! !!!!! !! !!! at!!!! the !! !! heart ! the ! !!! ! !! of ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! If they !!!! ! ! !children !!! !! ! ! !! !! ! !!!help !!!! !!supportive, !! !! !!! !! !!!!!!!and !! !!!!! !! ! !!!!! !!!!! !this ! !!!! ! !! ! !! !!! ! !!!! are ! !!! ! !!! ! !!!!!!! ! !!! !immensely ! !! !!!!ultimately !!! ! ! thoughts. ! !!!! !!!!the !!!! !!! !!!! !!! will !! !!!! easier !! !!!!!!! !!for !!!!!! !you. !! !!!! !! !!!!! !!!!! !! !!!!! !! !!! !!! !!!!!!! ! ! ! ! make things ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !!! !! ! !!!! !! !!!! ! ! !!!!! ! !!!! !!! !! !! !! ! !! !!! !!!!!! !!!! ! !! ! !!! ! !!! ! ! !! ! !!!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! !!! ! ! ! !! ! It! will !! ! be to think about each otherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s expectations and work out! how they !! necessary ! ! ! ! ! can! be met. Who is caring for the children? Who is collecting the children and where ! ! ! !! !! !!!! is!!!!spending !! !!!! !!!!with !! ! !!!!! !! from? !! !! ! !!! !!!!during ! !! !! !!school !! !!!!!!!! !! !!!! !! !These !! ! !! !!!! ! !!!! !!Who !!! !! !!!! !! !!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!! !time !!!! !!!! !!!!the !! children !!! ! !!!! !! ! !!!! !! the ! !! !!! !! holidays? !!!!!! !!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! can be resolved far more easily if you think about this in the beginning. issues ! ! !! ! !! !! !!!!! !!! !!!!!! !!!!!! !!!!!! !!!! !!!!! !! !!!!! !! !!!! !!!! !! !! !!!!! !! !!!! !!!! !!! !!!!!! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! !! !!!! !!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! !!!!!! !!!!!!! ! !! !!!!! !!!!!! !!!!! !!!!!! ! !! ! !! ! !!! ! !!!! !!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! !!! !!!! !! !!! !! ! !!!!!!!! !!!!! !! !! !! !!!! ! ! !! !!!!! ! !! !!!! ! !!!! !! ! !! ! !! ! !!! ! !!!! ! !!!!! ! !!!!! !! ! !!!!! !!!! ! !!!!! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !!! !! !! !!Finances !!! !!! !! ! ! !! !! !!!!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !!!! ! !!!!!! !!! !!!!!!! !! ! !! !!! !!! !!!!!! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! No matter what you have been told, a common law husband or wife does not exist. !! !! !!!! !! !! !! !! !!!! !! !! !!!! !! !! !!!!!! !! !!!! !! !! !!!! !! !! !! !cannot ! ! !!! !!!gain You !! !!!! spousal !! !! !!!!!just! by !! ! !!situ! !rights ! living!! together. ! ! ! !!!your!!!financial ! !! !!! ! Think !!! !!! about !!!! ! !!!!!! !! !!!situation !! !!!! !!!!would !!!!!!!!!! on!!!separa! !!! !!if!! an ! ! !! !!! !! !!What !! ! your !!!!!unpleasant !! !! !! ! !arises. !! !!happen !!!! ! !!!! ! !!to !! !! ation !!!!!!!!!! assets ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!!! ! ! ! ! !! !!!! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !!! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! !! !!! ! !! !! ! ! !! !tion? ! ! !if! one !! !!! ! !! is !! !!property, !! could !! What !! !about !! ! of !! !moving ! ! !!!dies? ! ! !!! !!If!!someone ! !!! !!!!!!in to! !your ! !! ! ! !! !you !! ! ! ! an !!interests !!!!! interest? ! ! !! !!!! a!! !property ! ! ! !together, !! !!pro-!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! they claim If you are buying are your ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !!!!!! ! !!!!! ! !! ! !!!!! ! !! !! !! !!!! !!!!!!!!! ! ! !!! ! !!! !!!!! !!!! ! ! ! !!! !!! !! !!! !! !!!!!!!!!! !!!! !!!! !! !!!! ! ! !!!!!! and children? regulated with ! !!!! !for!! you ! your ! ! !These ! issues ! can ! !!be !! the!! right ! legal ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! tected ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! !!!!! ! ! ! !!! ! !!!! !! ! advice. ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! It is important face ! ! !! about ! ! !!! !you!may ! ! ! ! legal ! !advice ! the ! in becoming ! ! ! to!! obtain ! ! !issues !! !! !!!!! !!!!part ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! of a blended !! ! !!family !! !! !!! to !! !ensure !! ! !!family !! !!!!! !!! !! !! !! ! !!!!! you !! fully !!! ! ! ! ! and your !!!! !are ! ! !!protected. ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! !!! !! ! !! !!!and !! ! !!!!! !!! !!!!! !!!!!!!! !!! ! !!! We offer !!!!!!!!!!!!! !advice. ! !! !!! !!competitive !!!!! ! !! ! !!!!!forward !! !!! !! ! ! !!!!! !!!!! ! ! rates ! !!! !straight ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !!!! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !!!! !!!! ! ! !!!! !! ! !!!! ! ! !!!! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !!! !!!!! ! ! ! !! !!!!! !!!! !!! ! ! !!!! !!!!! !!!!! ! ! ! !! ! For more information contact ! ! !!!!Taylor !! on 01245 !!! !!!!! ! ! ! ! Jennifer 349696 ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! !!! ! ! ! !!! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!!!!! ! !!! ! !!!!! !! !!!!!!! !!!!!! ! !!!! !!! !! !!! !!! ! ! !! ! !!! !!! ! ! or email !! ! !!! !! !!! !jataylor@thblegal.co.uk ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! !! ! !!!! !!!!!!!!!!!! !! !!! ! !!! !!! ! ! !!!!!!!!!! " ! "!!!!! !!! ! !!!website www.thblegal.com !!! !! !!!!! our !! !!! !!! !!!visit !!! !Or ! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! ! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! ! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !

! !

! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

! !

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

! ! ! !

! !

! ! ! !! ! ! !! !

! !! ! ! ! !

! ! !! !

! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Page 23 ! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Edge 243_The Edge 172.qxd 20/12/2016 17:22 Page 24

Biting the Bullitt Barratt Homes one-bedroom flat built in Henniker Gate, Chelmer Village, The Edge mentioned in its October issues that if there was anyone out when I first moved to Chelmsford back in 1983. there in Chelmsford who owned one of the all new 5.0litre Ford Mustangs Martin push-buttoned the start and there you immediately had it. Because to kindly step forward as its editor would ‘like a stroke’. As if by magic... after all, it’s all about the bass, right? It was actually Mrs Phillips who said to her husband one Saturday morn“We’re done here,” I said to him, grinning like a schoolboy. “We can go ing, “Have you seen this?” whilst she was sipping her mocha, engrossed back in and have another brew now instead, if you like?” in The Edge. But on we purred... “I’ve always liked cars,” admits Martin. “I’ve still got a Nissan 370z that I’m “So you never thought about getting going through the process of selling at the 2.3litre eco-boost version then?” I the moment. That does 0-60mph in 5.2 asked him, mainly to test his reaction. seconds. The Mustang does it in 4.8.” “No,” he said, his eyes rolling, but Which sounds as though he’s a bit of never leaving the road. an Emerson Fittipaldi? Now you’re not allowed to break the “Not really. But it’s nice to know it’s law, are you? But you know when you there if you need it.” accelerate and it’s to such an extent Which is a bit like having a tin of that it truly catches the car in front out, unopened shortbread biscuits tucked as all of a sudden there’s this mechaniaway at the back of a kitchen cupboard, cal monster filling their rear view mirror, don’t you think? eager to get past? Martin did his research and spent hours “You can get a back axle exhaust for on the internet investigating the car these to make them roar even louder before he began contacting Ford dealand go a touch faster,” Martin conerships. “I ended up contacting almost fessed. “There are specialists in every Ford dealer in the Home Counties,” he says. But the word that “I saw one of the new right-hand drive Ford Mustang’s Braintree and Brentwood who can do the dirty deed for around £700. I’m kept coming back was the fact that on the road and that was pretty much it. I knew I had to mulling it over at the minute.” there was a one year waiting list, which have one,” says local owner Martin Phillips. When we got to a set of traffic lights, was no good to a man like Martin. Martin glanced across at me and said, “It’s even got something called Oh no, no, no, no, no. Launch Control, if you’re the type who’s desperate to beat the car next to “I got lucky,” he says. “It had to be in guard green, a colour they no longer you from a standing start.” make, with a cream leather interior, as bright red or yellow with a couple The Edge has seen an eco-boost Mustang poodling around Chelmsford of black stripes over the roof would have been no good to me at all. and Martin admits that they’re probably quicker than the 5.0litre model I wouldn’t get any pleasure driving around in a shouty car.” 0-40mph, but after that they’re history. “And you can’t even hear them.” Well he’s sixty after all. But what kills this car for The Edge is it’s measly return of just 12-15mpg But a Ford dealership in Ipswich had the very car that had been prewhen you’re beasting it and 20mpg (max) on a ‘sensible journey’. ordered by a punter. “I’m not sure whether the guy got his deposit back,” Oh, and the first year’s road tax is over a grand and built into the Martin mused over a brew at ‘Edge Towers’. cost/package when you buy it, reducing to £550pa thereafter. So then we went out in it. A thirty-eight grand top-of-the-range Ford Yep, there’s an awful lot to be said for a Citroen Cactus. Mustang which cost £13,000 more than your editor’s first ever brand new

EROTIC Fantasy

Pimp my ride, dude. Martin wanted a discreet, classy, understated colour for his Mustang, so he managed to get one in guard green. “Tangerine and stripes are definitely not for me,” he says. “I garage it. I look after it. It’s a bit of an expensive toy, really. I definitely don’t go out at night and do doughnuts in deserted supermarket car-parks.” Licensed Sex Shop 1000’s of DVD’s from under £10 Largest range of Herbal Viagra in area All the latest Adult Toys Lingerie PVC/Rubber Everything for fun loving singles/couples Open ’til 7:00pm Two minutes walk from Chelmsford Bus & Railway stations Established 20 years Knowledgeable, discreet, friendly staff

14 Broomfield Road, Chelmsford. Page 24

TEL. 01245 28 33 00

Wassup, homie. The sort of dress sense that Martin will not be wearing, although he did get a Ford Mustang keyring for Christmas. The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 243_The Edge 172.qxd 20/12/2016 19:15 Page 25

RELAX, MAN

to consume dope whenever they like without fear of arrest. In fact, the medicinal use of marijuana has been legal here for years. To all intents and purposes that means it has been available to anyone that wants it. All you had to do was find a doctor that was prepared, for a fee of course, to prescribe a dose of blow to alleviate your toothache, bad back, ingrown toe-nail – you name it. And there were plenty of medics willing to do so.

This column promised to avoid contentious issues for a while and it will keep to that agreement, for this month at least. However, there is a political angle to this first missive from the Golden State for 2017, but fear not, you won’t be called out for your opinion, even if it’s a stupid one. You will have noticed there was an election out here in early November. All the focus nationally and internationally was of course on who was going to be the next person with their chubby little finger on the nuclear button. But the US uses election day for a number of other purposes too. On the same day as the president is elected everyone also votes ‘down ballot’. What this means is that certain members of both houses of congress are also selected by popular vote. Additionally, and this is the focus this month, there are a number of local officials and proposals that are included on the voting form. Voting can take a long time – here’s what someone in San Diego was faced with as he or she entered the polling booth. In terms of the federal officers they had to elect it was three; the US president, a congressman and a senator. Locally they had to select four different San Diego County officials including City Attorney and local education board members. Then there were the propositions – referendums to use another word. San Diego put forward 15. For example, one asked whether the city should build a brand new stadium for the Chargers football team to use? Not a popular idea, it turns out. On top of those were the California statewide proposals – another 13 issues for the voter to opine upon. So adding together all the officials and proposals that’s a total of 35 votes everyone has to cast before they can

head to the nearest bar to reset their brain into normal mode. Of the proposals put forward by California, by far the most interesting was that recreational use of marijuana should be legalised in the state. We’ll look at that in a bit more detail in a minute, but first it’s important to note that the issues and arguments behind a number of these proposals are complex. So the election authorities issue a booklet that explains the pros and cons of each proposal, the cost implications and so on. This booklet is entirely factual – there are no lies, no bias and no opinions, unlike certain other referendums I can think of. Anyway, the San Diego county booklet ran to 140 pages and the California one was 224 pages. Suffice to say you have to be both some sort of weirdo policy wonk and also have very little else going on in your life to wade through all of it. But, and here’s the important point, there is no excuse for casting your ballot on the basis of distorted or downright manufactured data. So, having explained the process by which it came about, let’s look at the new found ability of Californians

Anyone who has ever been to Venice Beach near LA will know exactly what we’re talking about – the boardwalk has dozens of doctors sitting in booths. If anyone had a problem with getting to Venice then the freebie newspapers and magazines in every Californian city had pages and pages of doctors advertising that they would help you out with your toothache, bad back etc. Just dial 1-800-DOPE4ME. Presumably these guys are out of a job now because within a month there will be specialist weed stores in every rundown strip mall. We’ll not get into detail here about the ins and outs of whether dope is dangerous, but there are two points to be made. Firstly, unlike alcohol, nobody has ever started a fight when they’ve had a smoke. Secondly, it has never worked long term when governments have tried to stop large numbers of people from doing something in private that harms nobody else. Although that sort of freedom is abhorred by our newright wing authoritarian masters. They’d really like to ban everyone’s ability to fart without their permission. Bugger, there we go again – I just couldn’t stop myself mentioning them. The most telling point of all though is that on the very same day that the progressive residents of California took another step into the future, vast swathes of middle America voted for a return to the 1950s. United States? Probably not.

You can contact Wardo at steveward2000@hotmail.com

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Page 25

The Edge 243_The Edge 172.qxd 20/12/2016 17:22 Page 26

o here we are in January once again, the traditional time of making resolutions we know we’re not going to keep for more than 2 or 3 weeks, of taking stock of our lives and wondering where the bloody hell the last 12 months just went. I’m not a fan of New Years’ resolutions, but this year I’m going to make an exception. I think it’s safe to say that if 2016 was a year of change, then 2017 is starting out as a year of uncertainty. Brexit happened and the triggering of Article 50 and all that might bring still hangs over us like the sword of Damocles (bloody foreigners, coming over here and hanging their swords over us), whilst Trump is about to be sworn in at the White House. These are two huge, and to many people, frankly absurd, changes that are certain to ripple across the world for years to come. Brexit has seen a regrettable rise of far-right populist parties across Europe and the election of a bright orange racist buffoon to the presidency has shown that America is suffering the same resurgence of intolerance and idiocy. You may subscribe to the theory that these populist votes are a vote against the establishment, but I would argue that voting for a billionaire, in the case of Trump, and being swayed by the empty rhetoric of a public school educated ex-banker, in the case of Farage and Brexit, is

Two rich blokes in a gold lift. Yep, we really stuck it to the establishment.

clearly a vote for the establishment. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. The events of 2016 have shown us just how divided we are and a polarisation such as this always seems to gain an unfortunate momentum, so there’s every chance things will go even further downhill in 2017. However, I fervently believe we can all do our bit to slow, or even halt, the momentum if we try. Whatever your views on Brexit, I’m sure we can all agree the economy has definitely been affected, and not in a good way either. Yes, I know that the more rabid supporters of leaving the EU don’t believe any of it and I can kind of see their point, as the financial impacts certainly haven’t been as bad as most experts predicted. It’s almost as though the UK is still a part of the single market whilst enjoying tax-free trade across the largest single economy in the Page 26

ME & MY adamantium skeleton

The Kingmeister reports world. Oh, hang on, that’s because we are still a part of the single market and enjoying tax-free trade across the largest single economy in the world, due to the fact that we haven’t triggered Article 50 yet. And anybody who tells you they know how it will all play out, whatever side of the debate they’re on, trust me, is full of shit. We just don’t know what’s going to happen, but unfortunately the financial markets don’t need anything bad to actually occur to throw a wobbler. With just a mere hint that something might go wrong, the FTSE is in bed with the vapours like a Victorian maid who just got goosed (probably by Trump). This period of uncertainty (without even thinking about the multi-billion cost of leaving the EU) is probably going to be enough to mean we can look forward to enjoying higher inflation and higher interest rates, more expensive goods in our shops and static wages to buy them with. I could be wrong, of course, although the larger High Street brands have already confirmed they’ve been shielding consumers from the rising prices caused by Brexit for now, and if the gloomier economic predictions do come true, then I can see a lot of very unhappy people as our departure from the EU hits them where it really hurts: in the wallet. That will be the point where we all start looking for someone to blame and it’s this sort of thing I want us all to try and stop doing in 2017 and going forward. So rather than pointing fingers and assigning blame, let’s try and acknowledge whatever the problem is and seeing what we can all do to make it better. Blaming people fixes nothing. It’s a uselessly cathartic exercise in self-righteous satisfaction, mixed in, as it is, with a healthy dollop of: “I told you so!” I’ve heard several people saying that they hope Brexit does wreck the economy so that everyone who voted for it will see what a stupid

decision they made. But what good will that do anyone? It’s that sort of attitude, where we’re more interested in telling people how wrong they were than actually listening to them in the first place, that’s causing our problems. I voted to remain in the EU and I still strongly believe we made the wrong call to opt out, only now I’ve come to realise that it’s partly my fault that we left. I was very pleased with myself, telling all the Leave camp voters what bloody idiots they were, gleefully chucking carefully researched facts and figures at them like hand grenades, but that was wrong of me and incredibly, egotistically, stupid, on my part. Rather than being interested in asserting my supposed intellectual superiority and winning any arguments, I should have made more effort to really listen and try and understand why so many people seemingly wanted to leave, and then try to assuage their fears, rather than just telling them they were imbeciles. A big reason why we left the EU and why that grotesque syrup wearing troll is about to become the next President of America is because lots of us who thought we knew better marginalised and ignored people for far too long. Even if you are right and your opponent is demonstrably wrong, then listen to them and try to explain. Browbeating someone and calling them an idiot clearly isn’t going to win them over, is it? I’m guilty of it it myself. I’ve done it lots of times and I’m sure I’ll do it again. But I’m going to try not to from now on. I’m sure I’m not alone in being too impressed with my own cleverness at times (I couldn’t help myself being snarky earlier on in this article, so I’m even doing it now) and I’m sure many of you reading this have done the same thing. If all we’re interested in is winning an argument, rather than understanding the cause of it, then all

we’re going to achieve is an even more polarised and divided world. I’m not saying that all we need to do is give each other a hug and sing a few Kumbaya Me Lordy’s will solve all the worlds’ ills; I know it doesn’t work like that. Some points of view are so diametrically opposed that there just isn’t a middle ground. However, I think we’re all far too quick to make judgements rather than making any real effort to understand the other side of the coin. Social media has a large part to play in all of this as our opinions are endlessly regurgitated and reinforced as our newsfeeds deliver us the news we want to see, as in the news and opinions we agree with, written by people who think like us. We’re all sitting in echo chambers and listening to our own opinions being affirmed, rather than challenged, and this is why when we do get into a debate, we don’t know how to deal with it very well. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again: You learn so much more from discourse with a person whose view is opposed to your own than you do from talking to people that agree with you. If you can keep a level head and a civil tongue and really listen, then we might just get a little closer to understanding each other and possibly even coming to an agreement, or at least a compromise. Telling someone their opinion is ludicrous and that they’re a fool just pushes them further away from your point of view, whilst the real point of any debate or argument should be to sway the other person onto your side, not to push them away. Arguments are about making someone else see and appreciate your point of view, not ‘winning’. As I said at the start of this article, it looks like 2017 is set to be a year of uncertainty and that means that lots of people will be very scared indeed. Lots of us will have frayed tempers and lots of us will be looking for someone to blame. Resist the temptation. Don’t waste your time pointing fingers. Instead use your time and expend your energy to see how we can overcome whatever challenges 2017 brings us. Don’t be quick to anger. Try being quicker to understand and appreciate a different point of view. Try building bridges, rather than throwing stones. Further division, blame and fury aren’t going to help anyone. They never have. And that sense of smug, self-satisfaction you feel after ‘winning’ an argument is but fleeting and certainly not worth the time or energy it took to accomplish. I genuinely believe we’re all better than that and that with just a little more effort, we can deal with any adversity 2017 throws at us, if we deal with it calmly, rationally, compassionately and, above all, together. The Edge 01245 348256

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New £5 notes contain cake? APART from that....what do we all think to the brand new fivers, eh? I have to fess up and say that I think it’s really pretty cute. Too cute, actually, and I just love that ickle plastic window that you can look through. When I was a kid, there were two things (apart from Corgi and Dinky toy cars) that I absolutely loved. One was fake fags - I used to get these white unfiltered tip ones from a joke stall on Huddersfield market and when you blew into them the end went red and some stuff would puff out that looked a little bit like smoke, which I thought was pretty cool, so I’d have one every time my Grandad had a half-a-Woodbine (he always smerked in halves). The other thing I adored was fake money - or should I say fake notes (the folding stuff, as fake coins were always plastic/pants). Fake folding notes always did it for me and to this day I still have a small, knackered, schoolboy sized brown suitcase up in our loft containing childhood mementos, including a wad of fake cash. I don’t know why I loved it so much, but we all have our kicks and our foibles, don’t we? The new fiver does seem a tad small though, don’t you think? Is it a little smaller than the old one it’s replaced? My problem is that I’ve now started saving the buggers. At first I just saved shiny (they have to be shiny or I’d be skint if I saved every single one I end up with in my pockets) £1 and £2 coins. Then when I’ve collected sufficient, I’d take Edge wife out for dinner and she always used to die of embarrassment whenever the time came to settle the bill. Honest, the silver tray that the waitress presents your tariff on always ends up looking like a silver salver after a collection’s been made at church on a Sunday after I’ve emptied my stash on it, but they’re generally thankful of the change, as it goes. So yeah, as I was saying, the all new fivers are so cute that I’ve started saving them now as well. I’ve currently got forty quids worth (which was actually £45 the other day, only I needed an emergency fiver - you know how it is I don’t remember Monopoly for some reason or other, so it’s back money being this small, do down to forty quid again now). you, readers? Beats saving pennies and 2p coins in an old sweeties jar though, don’t you think, readers? Although I do feel as though I’m taking a bit of a hit where the new fivers are concerned.

The Edge 077 646 797 44

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Motors, Vans and Goldfish 1988 NOVA: Turbo Nutter Bastard, Cheat Mode Activated,

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs . . . NOW HIRING: Join us or die! Stormtroopers needed asap. Must have Deathstar experience. PO Box: TK421

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These blurry images are the strongest indicator yet that aliens are ready to invade Earth and take over the human race (or something like that). An absolutely ginormous alien mothership was spotted just outside Chelmsford recently and The Edge welcomes our new alien overlords. Clearly extra-terrestrials are the only explanation for this bright flash of light, as what else could it possibly be? The witness claimed that as they took this photograph, the lights suddenly went out and their phone crashed. Spooky, huh? They explained to The Edge, “Whilst out walking the dog up a county track, I suddenly witnessed bright lights in the night sky above.” Yep, the aliens are definitely here, guys. “It seemed very odd as I’ve walked the path many, many times and never seen anything quite like it.” Just a thought - perhaps they’ve never used the path beside the Chelmsford City Racecourse at night before?

GREAT POTATO SPILLAGE A man recently tripped and fell and spilled the contents of the bag of potatoes he was carrying over his shoulder all over a busy road in Chelmsford. He was presumably delivering them to a local restaurant, when all of a sudden he went arse-over-tit, the bag split, and the contents tumbled out, bringing city centre traffic to a grinding halt. The identity of the man who made such a mash of things whilst carrying his spuds is not known (please come forward, sir), but thankfully he peeled himself up off the tarmac, dusted himself down and appeared none the worse for wear. Only then a slavering mob of zombies descended upon him and his fallen produce, whilst in reality they turned out to be kindly local folk who helped him pick up his tatties, whilst motorists put their handbrakes on and smiled through their windscreens at the entertaining performance. Did any of you see this drama unfold, readers? Or perhaps you were one of the pedestrians who helped the stricken potato peddler? The Edge would like to hear from you at spudspillage@theedgemag.co.uk Page 28

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MOTCO

Man on the Clapham Omnibus

THE SAUSAGE I ought now be issuing some kind of a warning, because vegetarians, food snobs and general beardy Shoreditch types should beware. We are talking about sausages, and in particular cheap sausages. Now I do not know which way this article is going to go. Will it be an outright homage to the humble sausage, or will it fall into a simple vehicle for double entendres and phallus gags? I guess we will just have to see what comes up first. Whey hey, and we’re off! Sausages, or as our European cousins would say, sausage singular, has been a cheap, tasty, mainstay food for centuries. They are, in fact, a global product. Sausages, salami and other meat products stuffed into an ultra thin skin casing (nudge, nudge) are among the very oldest of prepared foods, whether cooked and eaten immediately, or dried to varying degrees. The sausage came about as a result of good skills shown by the butcher to use all of the meat from a beast and create the humble banger. Good and tasty, but far more importantly, a cheap food for all. The old end of week favourite, fish and chips, has now become an expensive choice. Once upon a time it was the hardy standby, but a family of five can easily rack up a 25 quid bill for some none too hearty portions. Therefore the sausage now reigns as the cheap alternative. Like most good things, it is nothing new. History records the first mentions of sausages in The Odyssey, which was written by Homer more than 2,700 years ago: I bet even then it was subject to a ‘nudge, nudge’ joke or two. We have, in recent years, become very inventive with the sausage (f’narr, f’narr) and moved it into new flavour territory and away from the usual pork and beef etc. These days we have all varieties to reflect the modern, wider food flavour experience, but the standard fillings remain the royal family of sausages. It is a cheap source of food to have as a snack on the go, or to feed a family well, particularly with the right accompaniments: i.e. mash, toad in the hole (‘wink, wink’, we all know where that’s going), or simply served with decent home-cooked chips and a fried egg. We have, however, seen a move by the foodies to elevate the sausage to a far higher status, although how you elevate something that is already standing so proud (ooh, ahh, missus) and clearly at the top of its game is beyond me. These days we even have the humble porker made from organic finest Gloucester old spot pigs and other rare breeds, sold for £7.99 a kilo, which

is surely an anomaly. In the bad old days of sausage making, butchers used to pull (oi, oi, missus) all sorts of tricks to make ’em nice and cheap. Whereas in more modern times there are rules and even the most basic sausage has to meet a minimum meat content etc. The way you take your sausage (phwoarrrr) is also key. Personally, I prefer the nice pasty-soft texture favour inside the cheaper sausage, rather than the coarse cut lumpy texture of the posh porker. Modern flavours can be a bit of an issue too, such as green herby bits and blends of flavours, such as pork and apple and a multitude of other combinations, whilst not forgetting the newer chilli ranges with some rather dodgy names. Of course, these are all just novelty items and one has to fall back on the hard facts (oohh, ahh) that the good, basic porker is the best sausage of all. The humble sausage is taken seriously all over the world with our German friends taking appreciation of the mighty meat package (oh matron) to whole new levels. A visit to the food hall of the beautiful Ka De We department store in Berlin, the biggest in Europe, will also take you to the largest sausage selection you are ever likely to see outside of a nude wrestling bout (wink, wink) with over 150 types of all lengths (whoops) on display. So in these dark January days, a staggering 90% of British households will plump for sausages, whilst on every one of those days five million Britons will eat them, with more being eaten on Saturday than on any other day of the week (as your barber used to say, “Something for the weekend, sir?”). So go forth, Chelmsfordians and international readers alike, and embrace the double entendre tightly with firm grip (arf, arf) as there’s nothing like a hot sausage inside you on a dark, chilly night (phew). This article may have been a weiner (dear oh dear) or the wurst MOTCO article ever, but it’s all I could mustard to meat the deadline... EE: “You’re fired, Motty!”

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!! ! will amongst !! ! !!us ! !! that !! !! !! ! !! ! !! !!!! !!us !! ! ! ! !every!!! ! !! !tell thing ! !! ! is !! ! ! ! !!!!downsized !! !cope ! !!!!! ! !! !! ! !to !! ! ! ! !!being ! with ! !! !!!but ! !! !! ! !! ! !!!!of ! ! ! ! !the !!! !obesity, !! ! !!!!! ! ! ! !problems ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!!! !! ! that’s ! !!!!!! plain ! !!!!! !! !just !! ! ! !! !!!! ! !! !!!! !!! !ridiculous. ! ! !! ! ! ! !!!! ! !!has Even ! ! !!!! ! !!!! ! ! ! !!!!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! shrunk. !! !toothpaste ! ! ! top ! ! !! !! !! ! !! at !Perhaps !!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!! !! !someone ! !! ! ! ! has !! !! ! ! ! !!!the ! ! ! !too many !!! !watching been ! !!! ! ! !!!!repeats !!!! !!! ! !! of !!! !! ! ! ! ! !!! !!!! ! ! !!!!!!!! ‘The ! ! ! !! ! ! because ! ! ! !!it’s !! a ! !Borrowers’, ! !!!! ! ! !! !!!!! ! !! !!!!! !! ! ! !!! ! !!! travesty, what ! ! ! ! !it! is. ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!!! ! !!!! is ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! ! !! !!one ! ! !! !!! ! !!!it !might However, !!!! ! !! ! ! !solve ! ! !! !!!prob! ! ! !! !! ! !!!! !! !! ! ! ! ! !!! dilem! ! !carrier lem, ! ! ! !!!! !!! bag !! ! ! ! !which !! !! is!! !‘the ! ! !!! ! !much ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !!!!!we !! ! !!!If !things !! ! !! !!! !!get ! !!! !ma’. ! ! ! !! ! worse, !!! ! !!! ! !! ! ! ! !! !! !!! ! !need !!! ! ! ! !!! ! !!!! !any won't ! ! ! ! ! even !! ! ! !!them ! ! !! !more. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! all ! ! !able ! ! ! !shopWe’ll !! ! ! to ! ! ! our ! ! carry ! ! ! !! !be ! ! !!our ! ! !coat ! ! !!!!!!!!!!!in !! !! ! !!pockets. ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! !! ! !! !! home ping ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! !!!! !!! ! ! !!!!! ! !!! !! !! !! ! !!!!!! !! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !!!! ! !! !! DATE ! ! ! !!! !! ! !!NIGHT ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !!!! ! ! !! !!!!! ! ! !Indoors’ ! ! !could !!!! ! !!! !! !!‘Him I asked !! !!!! !!! !!! !if! we ! ! ! ! one ! ! go !!!! set !!!! !a!!! !week ! !! !aside ! !!!! ! to !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! day ! ! ! ! !! ! !you ! !on ! ! !! !! !! !! !!And out !! ! ! ! ! !!!! !!!!know !! !! ! !! !!do ! ! ! ! ! a!! date. ! !! ! ! !! !!! ! at !! ! !! ! !!as ! what? !!! ! ! !!! !! if! ! !!I’d !! ! !!!looked ! !!!!!! ! ! ! !!! !me !!! !!! ! !!He ! ! ! ! ! ! ! gone raving mad. “Dates?” ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !stark ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! !married. !!! !! ! !! !!! !Why ! !!!! he !!!!! !!! ! “We’re ! !!said. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! out ! !! a ! !! !! !!!!date?” would !!! !!!!! !!!! !!on !!!!!!!! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! !!!! !we ! !go ! ! ! ! STARVIN’ MARVIN ! !! !! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! !! !! ! “Well,” the! ! “it keeps ! !! ! ! ! ! !!! !!!I! !said, ! ! ! !!! ! !!!!!!!! !!!!! ! ! !!! !! !! !!!! ! ! !!!!!! grocery shopping romance ! !!! !! ! ! ! alive ! !! !gives !!!! !!! !!and !!!!!! !! us !! !a!! !Have ! !! !!!!been ! ! !! !!!!you ! !!!!!! ! !! !! !! ! !!! !!! ! !!!!! !!!!!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! lately? Have you noticed that chance to look forward to sitting ! !!!! !!! ! !!! !!! !!! !! !! !!! !!! !!! !!!!! !!!! !!! !!! ! !!!! ! !!!! !! !!!! !!! ! !!!!! ! !!!! !!!! ! ! !!!! !!!!! !!!! !! !!! !! !! ! !! everything getting smaller? I feel down together.” ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!!!! !! !!! ! !! is ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!!! ! !!!!!!! ! !!! !! !! !!!!!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! “I’m ! !!! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! !he like “Romance?” ! !!! episode ! !!! ! !!! ! !! ! ! !!!!!! !! said. ! ! !!!! !! ! ! not !! ! !! ! !!!! !!!up !!! !!in !! ! !I!! have !!!!! ! ! woken !! !! !an ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! ! !! lark ! ! of!!‘Gulliver's going ! ! dating ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! !!Travels’. ! ! !! ! ! !!through ! ! !!! ! !! !!all! !that !!! !!!! ! !!!!Pretty !!!! !!!! !much ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! everything size nonsense again. It was bad !! about !! ! ! !half !!! ! !the ! !! !! !! !! !! ! !!!is ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! !! !!! !! ! !! !! ! !! ! ! !! !!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! !to ! ! !be. that ! first ! around. ! ! !! ! time enough ! !!! !!! !!!!! !!!!the !! ! !it!!!!used !! !!! ! !! ! !!!!! !!! !!!! !! !! ! !! ! ! !!!! !!! ! ! ! ! !! !!! ! ! ! !!! !! !! !! !!of ! cereal, ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Take a box for instance. ! ! ! ! ! !!!! for !! ! you ! ! ! to ! !! ! !!!!! !! !waiting Forever get ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! ! !! ! !!! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!! days ! ! !! ! !! we ! ! !! ! !!!! !! !! !!! are Long gone !! ready, ! !! those !! !!! !the ! !!! ! ! ! !not ! ! !! !! to !!!!! !! !!! ! !! all !! !!!!!! ! !when !! ! mention !! ! !!!! !! !and ! ! around ! !! kitchen ! ! !!! !! !!table !! ! ! !!!!! ! the all! ! sat ! stupid outfits wear. ! !!!! ! !! to ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!!! you ! !!!!!!!used !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! !! in ! !!! !! ! !!!! !the ! ! !!!! !Now fought ! ! !!! !over !!!!!!! inside. ! !!!!! !!! ! !!!!!tottering Always ! ! ! ! !it’s ! !! !! ! !! !! !!!! !!! about ! ! ! !!! !!toy !!! !!! !! !!! !your !! !! ! to ! !!! !actually ! !! ! ! !! ! when !!!! ! !wanta !fight !!! ! !!!!!!who ! ! ! !! !! get high !! heels, ! !!!! !!all ! I !ever !! !!! ! !will !! ! !!! !!see ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! enough !! !! ! !!!!to !! !!their ed ! ! ! !!! the ! !! !pub !!!! ! !! ! !And !!!! !fill ! ! !!! ! bowl. !!! ! ! !you !!! !! ! go ! ! ! !!!!to! !! do !!! !!! down ! ! !!was !!!! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! can forget the Special K ‘drop a ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! and have a few beers. But you ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!!! ! ! ! !! !! !! !!!!! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !!!!size dress ! !! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! up always !! !! !! !! ! !!wanted !!! !!dressed !! !!get ! ! ! !!! !challenge’ ! !!! ! ! !! !!! ! !! !! !!because ! !! ! ! !!! ! !!to ! !! !! !! ! !! !! !! ! ! ! !have to! eat ! the ! ! box ! !as !well to !and you'd ! go !out ! !and !!stand ! up ! ! !in!!! !bars. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! !! !!!! !! !! ! ! !! ! !!! ! !!! ! !! !!!! ! !!! !!! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! !! !!! !up. !! ! !! ! !! ! !!! from fill!! you !! ! ! !a No! !way !!! ! ! am !!! ! ! ! !!!through !! !!!!!Everything, ! !bar !! !! !I!! going !! !!! !! ! !! !! ! all!!! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!soap !! !! ! !! !!to ! !a !! ! ! of of detergent, that !! ! ! !!!malarkey ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! !! ! ! !!! !!packet !!! ! !! ! ! again.” ! ! !!!! !! !!! ! !! ! !!!!!!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!though ! 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