The Edge Magazine March 2016

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EDGE

the

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

ISSUE NO: 233

MARCH 2016

E XCLUSIVE CLOGAU CLOGA E VENT AU EVENT EXCLUSIVE 4TH - 11TH MARCH TH M MAR AR RCH 2016 201

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The Edge 233_The Edge 172.qxd 2/24/2016 3:30 PM Page 3

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The Edge 077 646 797 44

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In Rough Guide it was always incredible the,*;F< =8 =;*7</.; =1.6 8?.; =8 87. 8/ 6. 7.@ sheer of useful information they always 98;=*5<amount ,869*;=6.7=< used to <2695. cram into 30 minutes, whereas so+. far*as 8; =1. ;.*<87 =1*= 0>.<< 6><= Travel is concerned, it all appears to be a +2= 8/ *Man 18*;-.; 87 =1. :>2.= bit of a laugh a ?.1.6.7=5B joke, only a -.7B not so<>,1 very* %=;*70. =1270 and 2< Ffunny =;*2= 2/ one. @*< .?.; *,,><.- 8/ 2= +.,*><. =18<. And they could show a little@2=1 more* 9*2;<surely 8/ =;8><.;< 3.*7< also 27 6B @*;-;8+. imagination and be/2=a 6. little*0*27 more87. adventurous as D @*2<= 6*B 3><= -*B *< B8> regards the places choose to visit. 7.?.; 478@ -8 B8>they '1*= @2=1 920< 5.*;7270 =8 It’s all a*55 bit of a poor show, really. /5B *7-

BUTLINS

The Edge Editor’s Column CAN OPENER Does know /27where to purchase !7. 8/anyone =1. =1270< 2= 2698<<2+5. =8 a -8can 2< =8 opener actually the job it suggests it <8;= 8>= that 6.<< ,5>==.;does 8.<7F= 6*==.; 2/ 2=F< 27 6B ought to be6B able do for+8A longer than the very @*;-;8+. ,*;to058?. 8; 8>; 0*;-.7 first purchase? <1.-week *6after 189.5.<< *+<85>=.5B +588-B 189. In my!1 experience, doesn’t seem*=to2= matter how 5.<< ,*7 <>;.it *< 1.55 <=*;. /8; * 088much you spend, they all end=1. up1.55 failing at @2=1 their 5870 @125. *7- @87-.; @1*= =8 -8 designated task. 2= >= *,=>*55B <8;=270 2= 8>= *1 <=;>005. +20 =26. '12,1 2< @1.;. ;< -0. ,86.< 27 8@ ;< -0.ROUGH GUIDE ,*7 =*4. 87. 5884 *= * +20 925. 8/ I ><>*55B don’t know you,=;*7</.; but I really 6B about <12=. *72= *55 miss, =8 =1.espe7.*; cially at this +27 particular time of +><27.<< the year, when it’s .<= @1..52. 524. 78+8-2.< pants, and;.*55B grey 478@ as grey can0.6< be &;8>+5.freezing 2< <1. cold -8.<7F= @1*= outside, the excellent Julia her <1.F< -2<98<270 8/ *778;Bradbury -8.< <1.and ,*;. sidekick, whatsisface, '1.;.*< that *6Toby =1. =8=*5 8998<2=. who together used present the holiday pro- 8=1.; '1.7to ,1*70.6Bexcellent ,*; ;.,.7=5B *6870<= gramme Rough =1270< =1.;. @*<Guide * +*0on 8/C4. @88-.7 ,58=1.< 9.0< Whereas Travel Hours in... with 27 6B +88=C5’s *5870 @2=1Man: <86.48,858>;..5*<=2, Richard Ayoade is 1*5/ proper annoying out +*7-< =1*= ;.,*55 27,1270 /;86 the =1. hell /*=1.; of me. 0*;-.7 <1.- @1.7 1. @*<7F= 5884270 27 5*@F< Why? 8@ =1. /*,= 8/ =1. 6*==.; 2< 1*?. 7.?.; ><.Because bloody uninformative, is ;.5>,=*7= why. .2=1.; <8 it’s @1Bso=1. 1.55 @*< <=.*-/*<=5B

I">==270 honestly believe 27 it, but somehow I will =1.cannot 6*0 =80.=1.; *7>*;B 2< 7.?.; be stagB8>F;. doo of/5B270 someone don’t ?.;Battending 72,. +>=the @1.7 8>= =8 I%;2 even for.?.7270 two nights Butlins=1in *7>*;B Bognor 2= *74*know 87 =1. 8/ at ;2-*B (bloody) Regis this and it’s all down to <8;= 8/ <@..=.7< =1.month, 9255 <86.@1*= that lost Lengthy-Boy character *7..< who sold !>; long, 68=8;,B,5. =8>; 0>2-. ,1*99B 1*< it to.6*25.me as a6. “leisurely break8/beside the 3><= @2=1 *7man 2=27.;*;B 8>; @..4 seaside�. 5870 988=.; *7- 2= *99.*;< @. 6*B *5<8 +. *+5. I=8swear, even told me 7>,45.< it was at$*70. Butlins /2= 27 *he +2=never 8/ =;.44270 27 =1. until he’d relieved hard-earned and *7- :>2=. 98<<2+5B me * +2=of8/my ;*/=270 @12=. @*=.; that is a 100% fact. 27 2=>0*5* However, it’s 1.*;saving8/grace be that+>= it 8@ F?. 78= .2=1.;appears 8/ =18<.to95*,.< somewhat surprisingly scores *7highly on9;89.; Trip 2= 6*4.< 6. <8 -*67 .A,2=.1*< Advisor, although as 8=1.;@2<. a ‘family holiday’ 9.;4.- 6. >9 87 *7 -;.*;B and 0;.Ba*7destination for ‘70s8/Weekends’, whatever the -2<6*5 /2;<= 687=1 =1. .@ (.*; */=.;7887 hell (although whether it’s #>..7< the age.F<they *5<8are <.7= 6. 27/8 87 +8=1 =1. group or a tribute to an entire decade music, 8=.5 *78=.5 %>2<<. 27 *7-B *7- 2/of*7B 8/ neither’s sounding particularly attractive me). B8> *;. ,>;28>< *+8>= ?2<2=270 %;2 *74* to =1.7 Either you 8>= will doubtless read all about it in ,1.,4 way, F.6 +8=1 the folks. &1.April 5*==.;editions, 2< <2=>*=.;201= +.<2-. * 5*4. *7- 2< *55 85- ,85872*5 27 <=B5. *7- 5884< *+<85>=.5B *6*C270 JENNY &;8>+5. 2< GREENTEETH 2=F< * /8; =1. 7201= *7I@1.7 usedB8>F;. to have a Grandad Ernest, readers. -8270 * ;8*- =;29 27 B8>; <,;>//< 87 You generally@.55 haveF6two grandads, don’t =@8 @1..5< 875B 5884270 =8 /8;4you, 8>= 1*5/ and by=8far =1*= my <8 other 2= 6*Bone @.55was 1*?. +.my =1.favourite, %.?*7* and he>.<= was called my>< Grandad Sam. 8><. /8; *7- B8> ;.*55B <18>5However, was=88 my*< Grandad Ernest who used ,1.,4 =1*=it8>= 08-* *;. ,>;;.7=5B 8//.; to me in his pitch airing/2?. cupboard 270put * -8>+5. ;886 /8;black 3><= =12;=B :>2(save for aB8> small red light)@*<7F= which 87. also=8doubled %72// *726*027.62A @2=1 as walk-in =1.a182 985582cloakroom, before counting the

seconds on his watch to see how long I could last there (generally no *+8>= more than sixty as I *?.inB8> .?.; @87-.;.=1. <1..; was only8/4,5>==.; or 5 at@. the*,:>2;. time, and my mummy *68>7= 8?.; =1. B.*;< told me to do as strange men ask, whether 52?.never 27 * 68-.<= +.-;886 <.62 -.=*,1.they happen to be your grandad or they don’t). 18><. 27 @12,1 .?.;B 27,1 8/ <9*,. 2< >=252<.But do recall he used to sit me>7-.; down =1. on his lap *7- I=1*= 27,5>-.< =1. ,>9+8*;<=*2;< and tell me,>9+8*;tales of a=1. character invented =1. *2;270 <1.- 27he’d =1. 0*;-.7 *7called =1. 58/=Jenny Greenteeth, and they were decent enough stories, as8/ I can despite 187.<=5B -;.*-so =8 far =1274 =1. recall, .A=;* ,5>==.; =1*= him being a weird old bugger. =18<. 8/ B8> @2=1 0*;*0.< 1*?.who often smoked 8@.?.;a pipe. 524. =8 =1274 =1*= 8>; 3>74 2< 78= 3>74 *= *55 *7- 78; 2< 2= ,5>==.; METHANE !7 * ;.,.7= ?2<2= >9 =8 6B 58/=GAS @2=1 * &1.;68< It struck whilst out and then back /5*<4 *7-me, * 95*=. />55flying 8/ <*7-@2,1.< @.55 2= 2< * home again, both to 2<7F= and 2=from Sri just =8 +2= 8/ *7 .A9.-2=287 @*<Lanka, *<=8>7-.how methane gas must0.*; accumulate dur78=. much 3><= 18@ 6>,1 ,*69270 @.F?. 08= ing any aeroplane flight with 27095>< passengers 27,5>-270 78= 87. +>= =@8 =.7=< *55 8/ =1.on board, all spending the@2=1 entire farting after 9*;*/.;7*52* =1*= 08.< F.6trip&1.7 =1.;.F< being cooped+8A.< up like battery hens 126*0< hours =1;.. 95*<=2, ,87=*27270 6B for -0. at time and.-2=287 force-fed a diet that’s =@8a 8/ .?.;B <27,. 2<<>. 78 almost *5=18>01 designed haveF6your rear blowing7off? 187.<=5B to =1274 <18;= 8/ end *7 2<<>. =1.;.F< %,*==.;08;2.< "2,=287*;B *7- 878985B SERVICE =88 95>< *7 85- +;8@7 <>2=,*<. /;86 @1.7 @*< Service? B.*;< 85- ,87=*27270 * /.@ 8--<E7F.7-< /;86 What bloody service? 6B ,125-188<>,1 *< <<8 '8;5- >9 827< Just load of >9 options that /;86 give =1. me a'8;527*5< 27 I don’t ;*C25 even understand, put me on hold for />55 the8/ rest of &1.;.F< *5<8 then * @2,4.; +*<4.= * +*0 my life and pump me full of muzak that I don’t *<<8;=.,8*=1*70.;< * ,8>95. 8/ /;*6.even want to listen=1*= to, you E92.,.< 8/ *;=@8;4F ><.-fankering =8 1*70 cretins! 87 8>; 52? 270 ;886 @*55< 95>< * ,8>95. 8/ @2,4.; ;.27 FOCUS -..;< =1*= 875B ,86. 8>= *= 1;2<=6*<=26. *7I<=*7watched The+*,4 Hateful No Escape (and 87 =1. 9*=28Eight, @2=1 5201=< *55 8?.; F.6 that was *proper of your +*0< pants/>55 stuff, despite !1 *7,8>95.seat 8/ -><=+27 8/ 85having Wilson in the 87 lead role), Margin ,58=1.< Owen =1*= =1. @2/. 4..9< 6.*7270 =8 52<= 87 Call, the/*,= Search Happiness, plus . *BHector *7- 27and *,=>*5 8>; for +825.; another movie@87-.; that I’ve already forgotten the@255 title %86.=26.< 2/ 8>; +.-;886 ,.25270 of, in the weekend recently. But it+>;2.was 87.all-*B 02?.same @*B *7@.F55 .7>9 +.270 Will *52?.Smith >7-.;in*55Focus 8/ 8>;that =>= I enjoyed the most. THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 01245 348256

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Traveller or Tourist? Flying over to Sri Lanka my mind started to wander, as it appears to have a tendency to do, and I got to thinking about the differences between a traveller and a tourist. For starters, despite being caucasian in a hot climate, a traveller will somehow always blend in the moment he arrives, whereas a tourist will stick out like a sore thumb. Of course, I totally understand that it’s horses for courses and if you’re staying all exclusive in the very same hotel for a week, be it middle-of-the-road or 5-star, then you ‘put down roots’ (i.e. your clothes go into a wardrobe and you doubtless have a different outfit planned TOURIST for every single night of your stay, carefully thought out for weeks, if not months, beforehand, I shouldn’t argue. But when you sleep in 8 different beds within a period of a fortnight, like we did recently, you really are talking about an entirely different break. But let’s just take a look at our mate the tourist (above), shall we. Now the camera’s fine, as we all like to capture our memories, as is the back-pack. But two things really hack me off and that’s people who take their holiday hats on holiday with them (they seem so out of place perched on the backs of their heads at Heathrow on a grim English Friday night, such was the time we flew out of Blighty, as they’re clearly not designed to be packed in a suitcase without crushing them) and chequered shirts. I spotted more than a few Brit tourists in

Negombo wearing plaid shirts and does it sound as though they wear chequered tops in a place called bloody Negombo? No, it doesn’t. So don’t. You also see chaps walking down the street with the fold-creases still in their shirts as they’ve obviously come straight out of being packed in their suitcase and onto their backs. Another dead giveaway to being a tourist is that you’ll wear the same watch on holiday that you always wear at home. Now this can sometimes be OK, but sometimes it can’t. What I prefer on holiday is a not too expensive timepiece (as shit always happens) that glows in the dark...as you never know! In short, the general rule of thumb is that a tourist wears new gear and a traveller doesn’t, and nor does the latter feel the need to get his haircut a day or two before his vacation. Sometimes you just can’t get away from being a tourist as you have no bloody idea where you are half the time, which of course offers the ideal opportunity to engage with the locals and ask for their help. OK, so they may not speak your lingo, but a map’s a map, right? Finally, shoes. Why choose a holiday for a brand new pair of shoes to make their debut on the catwalk, particularly when your feet are swollen and covered in mozzie bites?

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The Edge 233_The Edge 172.qxd 2/24/2016 3:14 PM Page 6

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“Ickle Ahmed was an absolute corker!”

Look at this little bundle of joy, readers. It’s ickle Ahmed and he’s only 10 months old and I accosted him from his parents just as they were leaving the Indian restaurant in front of The Grand Hotel (where they were staying, but we weren’t) in Nuwara Eliya, which gets pretty darn cold at night, hence me jumper and me scarf. Now we’ve been through this whole ‘kid thing’ and the fact that I’ve never been a dad ’til I’m blue in the face, so there’s no point in digging it up again. But when you spot a little belter like this little mite, well, I was like a moth to a flame and his proud-as-punch dad was only too happy to let me have a little cuddle of his ickle pride-and-joy. And do you know what? Holding little Ahmed felt amazing, truly amazing. Despite the huge responsibility not to drop him, the joy and pleasure of snuggling into such a beautiful bundle of D warmth meant that I honestly didn’t want to give him back. However, Nuwara Eliya. We’d ridden there from Kandy and it was only 85km and by far our shortest ride of our 6-day tour (which we cut down by a day whilst on-route as we were getting hacked off with having numb bums the like we’d never experienced before). So much so that we arrived in Nuwara Eliya at lunchtime and I was totally gutted as we’d seen nothing of Kandy, where we’d spent the previous night at the Slightly Chilled Lounge Bar & Restaurant where the views, tunes and ambiance just about make up for their disappointing tucker, when quite clearly we could have spent the entire morning in Kandy, if only the company we’d booked our tour with knew what the bloody hell they were doing. Fact is though, they didn’t, and that’s a bugger because it’s so hard trying to find someone who’ll show you about a country on motorbikes. We cut the cost by doing away with the support vehicle and driver not long before we arrived as that’s pretty much like paying for a ‘mobile wardrobe’ that we didn’t particularly need. Thus we ended up living out of one piece of luggage per couple (us and The Feckwits) for six days that we attached to the backs of our bikes. Just to give you an idea of how prices can vary, we were quoted £1,900pp to do a one week bike tour by one ‘top end’ chap, although we paid nowhere near that. However, nor did we see all we were supposed to, despite the miles we covered, which was annoying. Nuwara Eliya is definitely worth a visit though, but I’d rather have had our one and only spare half-day in Kandy or Ella is what I’m saying. Nuwara Eliya is located at an altitude of 6.128ft, hence the chilly evenings, and the landscape surrounding it is some of the best we saw in Sri Lanka. It is also the epicenter of the country’s tea production. The city itself - though it’s not a very big one by any stretch of the imagination - is overlooked by Pidurutalagala, the tallest mountain in Sri Lanka. Horse-riding was an option, but the horses were a bit diddy, plus I didn’t like the attitude of the cowboys offering the rides, nor how they looked after their horses. So instead we went for a wander around Victoria Park, had a snack (in the totally wrong establishment as we spotted a roast chicken shack but 50 metres further on), followed by some inevitable cold Lion beers.

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The Edge 233_The Edge 172.qxd 2/24/2016 3:45 PM Page 8

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Prices inclusive of VAT subject to terms & conditions

Inspiration the &23= 798>2 for3>3D/8 Citizen3>=column >+5/= +88?+6 can 6995 +> come in many ways >2/ !=-+< 89738+>398= +8. and -98>/8./<= you need to find it 3>3D/8H= you 38/7+83+ wherever can.To2+= =29A8 89Citizen =318 90 has A+8to this end, 381 9@/< >2/ confess that-9?<=/ this 90 ./=:3>/ 0+->its month’s piece>2/ owes >2+> ?: >9 origin6/+.381 to a visit to >2/ the 89738+>398= urinals in the>2/</ WestA/</ :/<2+:= =>+8.9?> Stand at 0/A/< Ipswich Town 79@3/= @C381 09< >2/ -9@/>/. /=> "3->?</ Football:9>/8>3+66C Club! +--96+./ C/= draw 3>3D/8their 3= +A+</ 3> 7+./ =3736+< Now before+8. readers own conclusions, those -977/8>= +,9?>venue >23= >37/ 6+=> C/+< who attend+<9?8. any sports will know that the gents 8 at football >2/</ A/</ =>366county =97/ 9?>=>+8.381 0367=and >9 /849C loo’s clubs, cricket grounds the 38 >2/are ' fertile :6?= territory =/@/<+6 =>366 >9 ,/ </6/+=/. >2/ >37/pro90 like, for advertisers with+>targeted A<3>381 >23= C/+<H=so!=-+<H= 30 </6/+=/. 38 motions>2+> to a;?+630C captive09<audience, to speak, who cannot >2/ +> subtle 6/+=> -.+C= 6+=>so C/+< fail '% to see09<the and not subtle – messages &2/</ A+=at29A/@/< 16?> 90they 9?>=>+8.381 displayed eye level+while go about:/<09<7+8-/= their busi38 +66 09?< +->381 -+>/19<3/= ness. 995381 +> games, >2/ G 31 car-+>/19<3/= >2/ 635/6C Computer loans and+8. budget flights89738+ seem >398= 09< at >2/7 3>3D/8 2+= >9 while =+C E635/6CF popular football matches, cricket,,/-+?=/ with its +8 slight/+<6C ./+.638/ 7/+8= >2/ +->?+6 !=-+<private 9738+>398= 2+. ly older demographic, often features health care 89> +889?8-/. +> >2/ of >37/ 90 A<3>381 +6>29?12 and,//8 descriptive symptoms urinary problems as a >2/ way .+C ,/09</ :/88381 73==3@/ >2/ of need. & 0367 89738+ of cheering up fans >23= in their moment >398= A/</ +889?8-/. But the promotion recently spotted by Citizen, having = >2+> /738/8> :<963030367 :<9.?-/< +<@/C duly queued for +8. its turn at half-time, was completely )/38=>/38 >2/ app &downloadable H= +</ + 199.- :938>/< different. It2+= was89>/. for a taxi but per->9 >2/ 90 >29=/ -9@/>/. 63>>6/ haps635/6C not </-3:3/8>= at that exact moment in time - in196. both=>+> an ?/>>/= += Format. +--9<.381 >2/just-+./7C iTunes =9 and8+7/. Android And>9not any taxi90app 9>398 "3->?</ <>= +8. +8 -+./7C but a black cab taxi app%-3/8-/= that immediately struck63,<+<3+8 Citizen +8. /@/8>?+6 /B/-?>3@/ /<<3-5 =+3. 3> as the first truly positive.3</->9< fight back+<1+</> it had seen by the </=/7,6/. 2/< '8-6/Carriage !=-+< 7/+8381 >2/ -+./7C =>+00 traditional Hackney brigade against the grow,/1+8 </0/<<381of >9Uber. 3> += !=-+< ing presence !8-/ +</ >3::/. 0<98>and <?88/<= 09< /=> Now if+1+38 Citizen - 0367= who has a print += media advertising "3->?</ A3>2 +- has 0?<>2/< += 9?>=3./ -98>/8./<= >2/=/ background any reservations about gents!0lavatory 09?<>//8 2+. C/> >9 ,/ </+63=/. +8. 3>3D/8 ads (and 03@/ possibly ladies ones too, although for A+= obvious 29<<303/. >2+>in90a>2/ </7+38381 838/ >2+> 2+. reasons >9 it’s</+63=/ not been position to research these), ,//8 98they >2/ -38/7+ +->?+66C =//8 it’s that do tend-3<-?3> to cram3> 2+. far too much89> copy into09?< the 90 679=> +8 ?8:</-/./8>/. =3>?+>398 09< C9?< text>2/7 and the company names, phone numbers and =-<3,/ >+5/=are :<3./ 38 5//:381 ?: A3>2memorable. >2/ 79@3/ websiteA29 details obviously not easily 38.?=><C ,/=> +=it 2/ +> +66 >37/= In other += locations is, -+8 of course, possible to use ones 7981 >2/ 635/6C 7+49< -98>/8./<= G&2/to later, +<>3+8H Smartphone to take a photo of the @3/A/. ad to refer +8. G <3.1/ 90 %:3/=Henvironment, A9?6. ,/ =><9816C but in this particular taking/8.9<=/. out one’s,C 3>3D/8 phone A236/ G in+<96H +8. mode G%>/@/ would 9,=H A9?6. ,9>2 advis,/ mobile camera be neither 23126C -977/8./. /==this =9reason, G%3-+<39HCitizen + -977/8> able nor desirable. For cannot635/6C >9 ,/ =97/A2+> -98>/8>39?= A3>2and 9>2/< -38/7+ +..3->= recall the name of the taxi app there unfortunately !0 >2/ 7+49< 0+8-3/. 0367= 3>3D/8 73==/. G <9956C8H hasn’t been a home match since. But it certainly was A23-2 ?809<>?8+>/6C -+7/ +8. A/8> 38 >2/ >2<// A//5= exclusively for traditional licensed taxis, which Uber >2+> <= 3>3D/8 +8. A/</ +A+C 98 2963.+C .?<381 isn’t. 9@/7,/< <381 3> ,+-5 <+38><// 38/A9<6. 9< >2/ For the uninitiated, Uber is a revolutionary app that 2/67=09<. !./98 originated in San Francisco for locating the nearest 3>3D/8 +6=9 </1</>= 89> =//381 >2/ 7?-2 6+?./. 3=8/C minicab and electronically hailing it having agreed the "3B+< -+<>998 G 8=3./ !?>H +@381 4?=> ,/-97/ + 1<+8. fare. 0+>2/< 3>3D/8 6995= 09<A+<. >9 :?>>381 >23= <312> +8. =// Not surprisingly, traditional taxi drivers hate it as it is 381 >2/ A296/ 1+7?> 90 3=8/C "3B+< +8. </+7)9<5= clearly a challenge, if not a threat, to the way they do </6/+=/= 38 >2/ 0?>?</ A3>2 =+3. 1<+8.=98 A2/8 2/H= their business, both on the taxi ranks or by being hailed 4?=> + ,3> 96./< 90 -9?<=/ 38 >2/ 29:/ >2+> 3>3D/8 -+8 in the street, both of which are the exclusive preserve 38-?6-+>/ 38 >2/ :99< ?8=?=:/->381 380+8> >2+> =+7/ 630/ of what are known in the UK as Hackney Carriages or 6981 69@/ 90 >2/ =36@/< =-<//8 += 3>3D/8H= :+>/<8+6 sometimes London 1<+8.0+>2/< 38./63,6CTaxis. ,/;?/+>2/. >9 23= 1<+8.=98 There huge - including the jamming 3>3D/8have -29=/been 89> >9 =//protests G +. +B ?<C $9+.H += 3> of city centre streets including 8/@/< -+</. 09< >2/ -/6in many 3,=98 major =/<3/= cities, 9A/@/< >23= London, Toronto+=as>2/ drivers those tradition7+C 2+@/Paris ,//8and + 73=>+5/ &97 of+<.C @/<=398 2+= al landmark cabs, be they black, >9 yellow or whatever liv,//8 7?-2 :<+3=/. +8. 3= >3::/. :9==3,6C A38 ery a cities fathers dictate, attempt to stem the flow of !0 >2/ 03@/ 0367= =>366 +A+3>381 </6/+=/ .?<381 +8?+<C +8. Uber and>2<// ‘persuade’ councils and other local += licens/,<?+<C +</ 90 city :+<>3-?6+< 38>/</=> >9 3>3D/8 ing authorities to ‘outlaw’ the38>/</=> Uber app. Transport for >2/C -9@/< =?,4/->= 90 7+49< G&2/ 31 %29<>H London has rightly resisted this. >2/ ,+85381 -<+=2 G%:9>6312>H 38@/=>31+>3@/ 49?< In the UK there9=>98 have been plus the>2/ attendant 8+63=7 98 >2/ 69,/protests +8. G&<?7,9H city blockages Manchester, Glasgow-</+>3@/ and - centre +<>2C GA3>-2 2?8>=Hin+7981 >2/ 966CA99. other major38cities. Unsurprisingly, perhaps, +.H= the Unite -977?83>C >2/ 030>3/= =>+<<381 </+5381 <C+8 Union is also66 involved. <+8=>98 >2<// +</ G7?=> =//H 79@3/= 09< >23= A<3>/< At the>2/ same time, the>A9 traditional ‘Knowledge’ test, A236=> </7+38381 G$997H +8. G&2/ $/@/8+8>H whereby cabbies though an =>+<<381 prospective /98+<.9 3 London +:<39 +8. &97 go +<.C +</ +6=9 exhaustive trial by moped (with handle bar mounted 5//86C +A+3>/.

clipboard) to +8 memorise 320 often obscure routes 9A/@/< += 7:3</ 7+1+D38/ =?,=-<3,/< +8. +@/< throughout our +capital, is threatened 3>3D/8 by the3=universal +1/ 90 0367= C/+< -38/7+19/< +> + 69== >9 advent of the satnav. ?8./<=>+8. A2C 3> 2+. 8/@/< 2/+<. 90 >2/ 9>2/< 0367 0<97 So you’d it’s not!?>>+ a great97:>98H time toA23-2 be a taxi driver, >2/ 0+8-3/.imagine G%><+312> +::+</8> what with+8. your business threatened by technolo6C -+7/ A/8> =><+312>model 9?>>+ >2/ 69-+6 :3->?</ 29?=/ gy not only on one front, but on two fronts, and Citizen 38 ?1?=> has every sympathy as our cabbies salt of the )23-2 A366 A38 &2/ 0+@9?<3>/ +::/+<=are >9 the ,/ G%:9>6312>H A23-2 -/<>+386C 038/ ,C 3>3D/8 +=drivers 3> 3= </7383=-/8> 90 earth -3=excellently knowledgeable and usually +89>2/< 1</+> 38@/=>31+>3@/ 49?<8+63=7 79@3/ +8. =?</ great raconteurs too. 03</ 0+@9?<3>/ 66 &2/Uber "</=3./8>H= !0 >2/ 0367= of However, theG great stand-off /8H reminds Citizen =//8 3>3D/8 inA9?6. 19 09<eighties G <3.1/when 90 %:3/=H 09< A23-2 the situation the early the print unions .3</->9< %>/@/8 %:3/6,/<1 3= +7+D3816C /B:/->/. >9 tried to prevent the introduction and use !& of new technol,/ 3</->9< &23= A+<production >2<366/< ogy89738+>/. to replace+= the /=> old traditional ‘hot-96. metal’ -98>+38= methods.>A9 9< >2<// 1</+> :/<09<7+8-/= +,9?> A23-2 79</ 6+>/< G&2/ +<>3+8Htraditional A3>2 +>> workers +798 +6=9 2+.indusCompositors and other in that 7?-2 >9 -977/8. 3> serving ,?> :<9,+,6C A38 indentured try were skilled guys up to A98H> a 7 year 0 89> %:3/6,/<1 with >2/8the A29 09< to /=>read 3</->9< apprenticeship ability upside&2/ down and 0+@9?<3>/ =//7= ,/ &97 G%:9>6312>H back to front, and>9 move lines-of+<>2C metal09<type (hence A3>2 ‘lino$3.6/C %-9>> G&2/ +<>3+8Ha perfectly .+7 -laid+CoutG&2/ type’) around to produce page.31In %29<>H /9<1/ 366/< G +.craft, +B it was ?<C $9+.H +8.the fact, for dedication to their much like 6/4+8.<9knowledge 98D+6/= test. 8+<<3>? 6+=> C/+<H= A388/< A3>2 cabby’s GPrint 3<.7+8H >23=NGA >37/laid 09< G&2/ unions89738+>/. such as the siege$/@/8+8>H to the new 89>2/<plant :9==3,6/ !=-+< A388/< + =/-98. C/+< <?8 Times at Wapping during 09< which time the newspa8381 3= /B:/->/. >9 ,/ for ..3/ $/.7+C8/ 09< G&2/ +83=2 per was not published around 11 months in 1986. A23-2 to 7+C ,/ + =?<:<3=/ 973==398 0<97 >2/- and ,/=> It 3<6H occurred Citizen at the time of the protest :3->?</ 89738+>398= ./=:3>/ =><981 -97:/>3>398 once again with today's demonstrations against0<97 Uber +>> King +798 <C+8 <+8=>98 3-2+/6on+==,38./< A29 that Canute himself on a throne the banks of :6+C/. >2/ >3>6/ 38 +88Cdemanding 9C6/H= G%>/@/ 9,=H the Thames at <96/ Docklands, that the river+8. >2/ 03@/in >37/= :</@39?=6C 89738+>/. 8/@/< + have A388/<as flows the opposite direction, would,?> ultimately /98+<.9 much effect.3 +:<39 %29?6. $/.7+C8/ A38 2/ A366 >2/ +-23/@/7/8> Eventually, and inevitably, the /7?6+>/ new presses rolled and 90 &97 +85= A29 A98 >A9 C/+<= 38 + <9Athe 09<industry, new technology was adopted throughout G"236+./6:23+H +8.case, G 9<</=> ?7:Hyou ,?>simply 8/@/< =38-/ as is always the because cannot unin./=:3>/ =97/ </+66C :/<09<7+8-/= 38 7+8C =?, vent something once=><981 it’s there. =/;?/8> 0367=industry 38-6?.381 H= G the +:>+38 38 the For the print throughout late"23663:=H 80’s and A23-2 >2/</it 3=spurned 89 ><?>2bigger 38 >2/and <?79?< >2+>newspapers 2/ +::/+</. early 90’s better and += >2/saw #?//8= /<=>A236/ 09<7/< =98 38titles 6+A +8. 03<=> 2?= even the launch of new national - Today ,+8. "<38-/== 0312>381 %97+63+8 "3<+>/= (sadly90no>2/longer with $9C+6 us) and The Independent, that 98 >2/ =/+= even2312 more sadly closes as a print edition on 26th +85= 3=partly 635/6Cas >9 a,/result 89738+>/. +1+38 09< 23= =?:/<, :/< March, of further technological 09<7+8-/ G <3.1/ 90 %:3/=H 3>3D/8H= 0+@9?<3>/ advances.38Even newer technology, in the form of0367 the90 ,?>has 89> impacted /B:/->/. on >9 A38 internet, revenues (with a migration of 9A/@/< 30and >2/</ +8C 4?=>3-/ >2/ A388/< /=> classified, in 3= particular recruitment and90property %?::9<>381 ->9< '%& ,/ +<5readership $C6+8-/ +6=9 advertising) to websites and on with38online Gmeans <3.1/ 90 += >2/ %9@3/> %:C $?.960 ,/6 38 >2/ of %:3/=H news delivery. /B-2+81/ 8/19>3+>/. ,C-&97 +85= 09<the>2/Times 2+:6/== Enlightened publishers for example and' =:C +<Cowners "9A/<=of &2/ .3</->9< 90both Daily:6+8/ Mail :369> and the local09<7/< titles, including %2+5/=:/+</H= 69,/and &2/+></ :?> 38 A2+> 3= =?</6C the Essex Chronicle Chelmsford Weekly News&- all :/<09<7+8-/ * +->9<and 38 adapted * 0367 38to survive +8.prosaw what was,Chappening =29?6. ,/ + =29/ 38 ducing excellent online editions alongside their print B:/-> >9 =// 237 38 0?>?</ %:3/6,/<1 :<9.?->398= 38 offerings. And this is the key - adapt to survive. 7?-2 >2/ =+7/ A+C += 0/669A <3> >2/ 6+>/ "/>/ This was why Citizens visit to the urinal at Ipswich "9=>6/>2A+3>/ A+= </@/</. ,C >2/ =+7/ .3</->9< Town was one of relief, in more ways than one, as it 9A/@/< %36@/=>/< %>+6698/ 3= +::+</8>6C >2/ 0+@9?<3>/ 38 discovered that traditional taxi drivers also had the >23= -+>/19<C 09< 23= </:<3=/ 90 >2/ <96/ 90 $9-5C 89A >2/ opportunity to adapt and now had their own apps to ><+38/< 90 09<7/< +.@/<=+<C :9669 <//.H= =98 38 compete with the Mini-Cab driven Uber. G <//.H %?</6C A/ -+8 8/@/< 09<13@/ 237 09< 23= :+<> += Subsequent Google research has shown that there are >2/ 19+65//:/< 38 G =-+:/ >9 (3->9<CH ?8./<=>?.3/. 98 at least two competing Hackney Carriage ‘hailing’ apps >2/ :3>-2 ,C :=A3-2 &9A8H= =?<:<3=3816C ?8-+::/. H5//: - ‘Gett’ covering cities such as London, Glasgow, /< "+?6 99:/< A29 A9?6. :<9,+,6C 2+@/ ,//8 += -98 Leeds, Birmingham and New York and ‘Hailo’ that @38-381 2+. 2/ 6+8./. >2/ :+<> 3>=/60 ditched its private hire aspect and returned to the ‘puri/=> -></== 0+@9?<3>/ 3= >2/ ><?6C A98./<0?6 +>/ ty’6+8-2/>> (?) of black cabs last October. 38 >2/ >3>6/ <96/ 90 G +<96H =/> 38 /A *9<5 38 Citizen38isA23-2 confident that$998/C black cabs -9 =>+< +<+and 2/<their 69@/cheery 38>/</=> 38 drivers will weather Uber storm and reinvent their 3= >23= =?:/<, =>?.C 90 +the>2/8 366/1+6 6/=,3+8 </6+>398=23: modus operandi as other industries have had to do 98/ 90 >2/ 0+@9?<3>/= 09< >2/ /=> %?::9<>381 -></== in the growing face of technology. 1981 However, it is%73>2 not asG&2/ confident )3>2 +113/ +.C 38that >2/‘The (+8HKnowledge’ +8. <3/ will survive, as the Times columnist Philip Collins +<=98 G$997H +6=9 635/6C >9 ,/ -2+66/81381 09<wrote /=> (referring in his column on 2+@/ 11th February): “...the -></== to +>/it :<9,+,6C .9/=8H> 3> +66 >9 2/<=/60 skill redundant. The +83=2 Knowledge takes+>/ three years 63-3+is(35/8./< G&2/ 3<6H +8. )38=6/> and a satnav an annoying voice+ can do 2/< it in 798/C secG%>/@/ 9,=H with A366 +6=9 13@/ $998/C <?8 09< onds. The taxi drivers are03/6. having a laugh.” 38 >2/ =?::9<>381 +-></== Finally, time=?11/=>/. Ipswich are at home, 66 38 +66 the += next 3>3D/8 +> >2/ =>+<> +Citizen =><981 will C/+< have to check out the name that app to confirm that 09< +->9<= +8. +-></==/= ,?> of 7+C,/ +8 +@/<+1/ C/+< 09< it too wasn’t having a laugh...or even taking the piss! 0367= The Edge 01245 348256

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“Always freshly cooked” That’s what it says on Bake’n’Grape’s menu and that’s exactly what it tastes like too. Mrs Edge and I spent yet another lovely evening on their ‘top floor’ one recent Saturday night in February (no prizes for guessing which night) and B’n’G was absolutely rammed, which was great to see as it offered a terrific atmosphere, whist other outlets down Baddow Road seemed to be boasting spare chairs, rather than bums on seats. However, word has it - and this comes directly from the horses mouth that B’n’G are going to trim their menu ever so slightly, as it appears they’ve gone from offering not enough choice (in their early days) to far too much choice of late. Also, their beef rib (a chunky beef rib soaked in barbecue sauce, served astride a generous dollop of creamy buttered mash, or with triple cooked chips, £17) will now be moved to their ‘specials’. A couple of the pasta dishes will also be changed as, apparently, not everyone appreciates the vodka sauce on the chicken penne (£14) shame on you! They are also introducing a greater variety of sandwiches plus jacket potato options for lunchtime bites. But I wasn’t concerning myself with that, because all I wanted was a piece of their delicious chunky 10oz fillet steak (£30) with all the trimmings - and I wasn’t disappointed either. Unfortunately though, it did completely ‘do me in’ and I wasn’t even able to tackle one of their delicious desserts.

#YorkiesRule

sunday roasts at baken’grape 12 baddow road, chelmsford

www.theedgemag.co.uk

01245 80 70 70 www.bng.uk

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YOU WANT ME!

THE HAIRY MONSTER RESPECTFUL I decided it would be respectful to leave my gran's room exactly as it was the day she died. Apart from removing the machete, the blood-stained bedding and her bank cards, that is.

Virtual Graphic Solutions KHDWKHU#SXUSOHPD]H FR XN _ Þ ZZZ SXUSOHPD]H FR XN

CHELMSFORD MARKET I bought a pair of trainers at Chelmsford Market last week, but when I got home I saw on BBC News that more people die while out jogging than whilst watching television. Luckily, Mr Heath on the shoe stall was only too happy to swap them for a pair of fluffy pink slippers for me. Close call, or what?

ENEMA I've noticed a tendency for older people to constantly criticise youngsters. Now I reckon kids today are brilliant - better educated than their elders, more politically aware and certainly more socially responsible. What's more, they are the future care assistants, nurses and doctors who will be looking after us in the retirement homes of the future and deciding who gets an enema or a cold shower. And I for one fervently believe that in twenty years time an enema will probably be the high point of my week, so there's no way I'm going to upset any of today's teenagers and risk missing out.

WASTED I can't understand all the fuss that's being made about sportsmen and women taking drugs. I reckon anyone who can run a mile in under four minutes, swim 200 metres in two minutes, or play five sets of tennis whilst stoned out of their minds well and truly deserves their medals. And as for that Lance Armstrong bloke - well, I reckon I'd have trouble finding my bike, let alone cycling to seven consecutive Tours de France wins, if I was completely wasted.

SENSIBLE THING If you go out for a drink and at the end of the evening you feel as though you may be over the drink-drive limit, do the sensible thing and leave your car in the car-park and take a cab home. However, just remember that when you eventually get home not to park the taxi right outside your house, as honestly, it’s a dead give-away.

ABDOMINAL AORTIC ANEURYSM SCREENING One of the more depressing features of being over 60 is the seemingly continuous stream of age-related correspondence that one ultimately receives. From equity-release offers and care home invitations to funeral plans, it seems like everyone approaching retirement age is regarded as being on their final descent to Hades. However, there are exceptions and one of these is the NHS's offer of abdominal aortic aneurysm screening that is available to all men over 65. I try to avoid all contact with medical professionals, but this one appeared to be a no-brainer as it is a once only painfree check on the condition of the main artery from your heart. What’s more, it was all over in five minutes and I was chuffed to bits to get the all-clear. So if you're over 65 and haven't had this check, ask your GP or contact the NHS screening service direct. Because let's face it, where else could you get a lady in a nurse's uniform to smear gel over your tummy and then massage it with an ultrasound sensor? Feck me, there's many a toff in the House of Lords who’d pay good money for that.

FANCY DRESS FESTIVAL Whilst I have mostly enjoyed living in Chelmsford for the past 28 years, I have to say it does lack a certain 'je ne sais quoi' when it comes to character. When I was growing up in Gloucester we had the annual cheese-rolling competition, my friends in Yorkshire have the Whitby Goth Weekend and several villages have Scarecrow festivals. So me and Skooby had a deep and meaningful (more like shallow and meaningless) conversation the other evening and we concluded that Chelmsford should be the first city in England to hold a Fancy Dress Festival. Wouldn't it be great to have a summer weekend where anybody and everybody dresses up as whatever they like, with competitions for the best outfits, whilst shops could offer discounts, and there’d be tribute bands in the High Street? Just imagine it. On second thoughts, no,don't imagine it. Simply make it happen instead! Come on Chelmsford City Council - how about organising +%+% 11 a truly unique event to lure the visitors in?

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Villa Araliya, Negombo Meet Palitha, Suraj (otherwise known as ‘Billy the Fish’) and Stephanie, owners of the lovely Villa Araliya in the Palangathura/Kochchikade area of Negombo, which is such a lovely sanctuary. When you arrive in Colombo, the travel guides seem to point you in the direction of Negombo, rather than staying your first night in Sri Lanka’s clogged capital city, and we certainly weren’t disappointed. ‘Baker Man’ Palitha makes his very own delicious pizzas, plus all the fresh bread they serve every morning for breakfast and it honestly is delicious the best I’ve ever tasted. Stephanie takes yoga classes while Suraj pretty much just likes to splash around in the immaculately clean pool that Palitha appears to do about 75 lengths in every single day. The whole family are vegetarians, but the food they serve up is honestly delicious (which sounds as though I’m suggesting “despite being vegetarians”, doesn’t it?). Failing that, you can always wander over the road to the Petit restaurant for a right warm welcome, some cold (Lion) beers and some cracking grub. But back to Villa Araliya and we cut our bike tour down by a day, simply so that we could return there for an extra night, it’s that good. www.villaaraliya-negombo.com

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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We’d all like a smile as white as this, er, right/wrong??? But let’s be reasonable, because we haven’t all got a perfectly shaped set of gnashers for starters, have we? While some of us, let’s face it, even model ourselves on Austin Powers. However, all is genuinely not lost. Drumroll please for Anna Dickson of The Anti Ageing Clinic in Old Moulsham. Anna offers a variety of beauty treatments for both men and women, but since the turn of the year has added another string to her bow in the shape of Pearlys Express Teeth Whitening. What’s more, you’re in and out within an hour and the cost is just £95. Ah, but does it work? The simple answer to that question is yes. The Pearlys treatment opens up the pores of the tooth enamel and lifts out the particles which have stained the teeth, restoring them to a colour that you probably won’t even recognise or remember. So does just one treatment do the trick? Well, it certainly helps - a lot - whilst the sensible amongst you will appreciate that it may perhaps make sound sense to have a top-up treatment for £60 after 4 to 6 months if your teeth are particularly stained, because Rome wasn’t built in a day after all. Pearlys is at the forefront of offering affordable, effective, and above all totally safe treatments that are designed to achieve the very best results. What’s more, there is absolutely no post-treatment sensitivity as Pearlys use a coldlight emitting diode (L.E.D.) which works without any heat whatsoever, as opposed to other systems commonly used by both non-dentists and dentist teeth-whiteners alike. Single treatment at The Anti Ageing Clinic.......£60 Double treatment at The Anti Ageing Clinic......£95 Anna also offers anti-ageing solutions including treatments for both acne and pigmentation blemished skin, as well as beauty treatments, anti-wrinkle injections and fillers. To find out more, please visit Anna’s website at www.theantiageingclinic.org or contact on 07941 029883

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These were our trusty, but hellishly uncomfortable, steeds for our 6-day motorcycle tour of Sri Lanka, the trials bike belonging to our guide, Sammi. And can you see the double wooden planks on the back of two of the bikes? That’s what you call a ‘makeshift luggage rack’ for carrying our gear around, is that! The Edge 077 646 797 44

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Where do Chelmsford’s nudists go? Last month, on this page, The Edge asked where do Chelmsford’s nudists go, and received a very informative reply from a chap called Peter. So take it away, Peter, me old son... Reference your article ‘Where do Chelmsford's nudist go?’ Perhaps the list below may be of some help for you. These are actual naturist members clubs (i.e. not commercial) Springwoodsunclub.co.uk - Springwood, West Bergholt, Colchester Greenglades.org - Arcadians, Billericay, Essex Oakwoodsunclub.co.uk - Oakwood Sun Club, Romford, Essex Below are naturist swim venue's where the premises are dedicated to naturism on certain days or evenings of the month. Prested Hall Tiptree ( Every other Sunday pool area only ) Aqua Springs Colchester ( Opposite Sundays through above ) There is also a small naturist beach at St Osyth, Essex. Hoping that may be of help to you. Please note that all of the clubs have websites on the internet where you can find further information regarding their various activities. Contact of the naturist swims at Prested has to be initially made through Springwood Sun Club. Details for Aqua Springs can also be found on Springwood's website. If you require any further information I am sure we could be of assistance in the future. Kind regards, Peter B. of Webmaster Springwood Sun Club.

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Some of you may think it’s incredibly self-indulgent of your editor for devoting so very much of this particular issue to my recent Sri Lanka trip, But hey, that’s tough-titty because I know that the travellers amongst you will doubtless enjoy it and it’s important for me to share that which is there to be taken advantage of.

us some more beers as I don’t think they’re allowed to stock them on the premises, due to the license they hold, while we played with young Jonathan, the ‘quietest dogs in the world’ plus the ‘noisiest goose’.

You know how on whatever trip/ holiday you take there’s always something you want to give a gold star to? Well this is it. The ‘Welikande Villas’ Guest House which is right up in the Knuckles mountain range with air and views to die for. I don’t think it’s all that far from Kandy or Negombo and if you’re planning on going to Sri Lanka in the not too distant future, then do not miss a night or two at this place (we were gutted we could only afford the one as it would have been brilliant to do a bit of a trek and by ‘afford’ I certainly don’t mean the price, which was around £25 for a lovely private room with a gorgeous hot en suite shower).

The positive jewel of our entire 2 weeks in Sri Lanka

To set the scene, we’d just endured a night of sheer hell in an absolute shithole in Sigiriya after covering an epic 170kms on our very first day in the saddle on ‘Numb Bum Tours’. The place we got holed up in simply wasn’t fit for purpose whilst the evening meal I wouldn’t even throw to one of Sri Lanka’s numerous stray dogs. To top it all, ‘Negombo Bob’ (otherwise known as ‘Bernard the Butcher’ within these

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pages) ‘mislaid his camera’ after one too many Lion beers and some unscrupulous member of the staff obviously figured they’d half-inch it, rather than rightly return it to him. So when, after another gruelling-at-times 145kms we arrived at ‘Welikande Villas’, my god, the contrast. It was seriously as though we’d all died and gone to heaven. (Honestly, readers, it is a truly blissful sanctuary.) Shamala was first out of the traps to greet us with a huge, delicious bowl of noodles which we ate at the table you see above - and yes, those views really are as epic. It’s a vista, is what it is. Amazing. Superlatives fail me. Then husband JeyaKumar shot off in his bright, shiny tuk-tuk to get

And after a delicious evening meal, guess what? We had jelly and lime green ice-cream. OMG it tasted delicious, whilst that night we all slept the sleep of angels in wonderfully comfortable beds that are just 20 yards up the track behind the main house.

Next day we were up bright and early and I put on freshly laundered clothes that Shamala had washed for me the previous evening - after 2 days in the saddle they were honestly filthy. Then we had coffee and toasted eggy bread for breakfast, which I’d never had before, and as with anything Shamala cooks, it was totally scrumptious. And then, sadly, off we pootered to Nuwara Eliya, which as I mention elsewhere in this edition was a complete waste of a free half day that could have been spent either here, in Kandy, or in Ella. ‘Welikande Villas’ & Guest House

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Bob & Mrs Edge on tut elephant

Villa Araliya, Negombo

Sigiriya ‘Big/Lion’ Rock costs about £20 to climb...

Sammi & ‘Mucky Bob’

Sammi (aka Elvis) our guide

...whereas street-boulders are free!

The view from our hotel in Kandy

Editor & wife on tour

Negomban native + bicycle

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New John Lewis Store Chelmsford’s brand new John Lewis store - hey, it’s too late to turn back now, folks - recently had a ‘Topping Out Ceremony’ after the final rooftop coping stone was cemented into place. The 300,000 sq. ft. store is due to open in the Autumn of this year. The Bond Street shopping complex will provide Essex with its first ever John Lewis store, alongside a vibrant new retail and leisure destination featuring open-air shopping, riverside restaurants, an Everyman boutique cinema, as well as landscaped public spaces. The scheme is designed to function as a traditional shopping street, integrated with the remainder of central Chelmsford and our High Street. John Lewis represents a £18 million investment in our city and is set to help properly transform us from the mere town we once were, while also offering approximately 300 new jobs. Since construction started in January, the John Lewis building has grown to cover a floor area of 33,400m - the same area as four Premier League football pitches. It has also acquired 1,800 tonnes of steel - the equivalent of 300 (adult) African elephants and been ‘dressed’ with 4,427m of stone and steel cladding panels, which if were stacked vertically, end-toend, would stand over five times higher than the world’s tallest building, the Burj Khalifa in Dubai. The Edge is delighted that John Lewis are coming to Chelmsford. We just need to make sure that Waitrose follow suit.

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Typical Tealeaf Picker Sri Lanka is famous for its tea and it is one of the country’s biggest exports, but many of those who work on the land and pick the leaves, such as this particular lady (above) who is offering your editor one, live in poverty. Apparently many tea harvesters make only 500 rupees per day (£2.50), but only if they pick around 18kg of leaves each day. Pick any less and their pay is halved, which seems grossly unfair if you ask me. Seeing the tealeaf pickers in Vietnam last year, and once again in Sri Lanka, is so wonderfully intoxicatingly and evocative to witness, yet apparently a growing sense of gloom is starting to pervade in this gruelling, ageold industry. Rising costs, falling prices and poor weather (though it was as hot as hell and then some when we were there) are now making it more expensive than ever to produce tea than to sell it - so just you think about that the next time you’re about to pour yourself a cuppa, readers. Most of the labourers belong to the Tamil community, whose forefathers were brought over from India by the British to work on the estates. Learning this once back in Blighty, I now feel disgusted with myself for not giving her at least a few sheckles when she held out her hand to me.

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Mental Bus Drivers People sometimes say, “You must be mad riding a motorcycle in the Far East,” and I can appreciate where they’re coming from. However, I’d far sooner ride a motorbike where it’s hot and sunny and where there are plenty of other motorcycle and scooter riders on the road, than on a wet, windy day in Blighty. But if you look at ‘Negombo Bob’, followed by Sammi (below), and the size of the oncoming bus, you definitely have to have your wits about you. That’s because the bus drivers over there are frickin’ mental, same as they are in India. I don’t know whether it’s about keeping to schedule or what it is that possesses them - as they’re certainly not so bothered about their timekeeping in Chelmsford - but they turn their buses into 12-ton missiles. The coastal road between Galle and Mirissa Beach I would say is the dodgiest I’ve ever ridden on, but that’s not because of potholes or hairpin bends. It’s just that it’s not particularly wide and once a bus driver has built up a head of steam, honestly, they seem loathe to slow down, or stop even to let passengers on or off, and I’m not joking either. If they want to overtake, then bugger whatever else is coming in the opposite direction, they just get straight on their horn (and they are particularly loud horns, it has to be said) and go for it - and woe betide anyone or anything that dares to get in their way. Even schoolbus drivers act in exactly the same fashion too! Oh yes, it’s a bus alright!

‘Negombo Bob’

All at sea

Have you ever suffered a Panic Attack, readers? I hadn’t, until I went into the surf with a belly-board at Mirissa Beach in south Sri Lanka. Now just a word about Mirissa Beach in so far as it’s one of those beaches that people seem to rave about and sure, it’s nice, but it’s ‘not all that’ (Nai Harn beach is south Phuket is miles better in this particular holiday maker’s opinion, until they damned a part of it up where a river ran into it, where you could once swim against the tide without getting anywhere, which was damn good exercise before yet another delicious lunch of freshly caught fish on the beach itself). But anyway, I was out past the surf with ‘Our Bob’ talking boarding tactics with some kindly Aussie guy, when all of a sudden he quietly said, “Actually guys, it’s probably best if we go in a ways.” So I turned around and - shit the bed - we’d started drifting away from the beach and towards this big rock that the waves were crashing into. Fact is, these days I’ve pretty much only got one arm and with the bellyboard I was in no position to attempt the front crawl. Quite frankly, I wasn’t making any progress whatsoever and just couldn’t get my breath. I immediately felt powerless, exhausted and I was huffing and puffing as though I’d just completed (fat chance) a marathon. Thank god the kindly Aussie (well, it was his fault we’d drifted out so far after all, as we’d been listening to him jabber on) swam back out to me and helped me back to shore with that damned, blasted belly-board that I couldn’t bloody master anyway. And where was my mate ‘Negombo Bob’ during this escapade? “Oh, I’d have come to save you alright,” he said to me, back on dry land. Hmmmmm. Sometime you question whether your mates really are your mates, don’t you, readers?

DIVORCE tying up loose ends If you are getting divorced, most people believe that you just need to issue a Petition. The common mistake is forgetting to sort your finances. Many people believe that going through the divorce process also deals with all of the financial claims. This couldn’t be further from the truth. If financial claims are not dealt with, you run the risk of your ex-spouse making a claim against you in the future. Often people say they trust their spouse to uphold their end of the agreement, or that there is nothing to divide, but this does not consider that you may inherit, obtain a substantial pay rise, or win the lottery! This is when the problems can arise. A Consent Order can help you to formalise financial agreements, such as who will get the house, what happens to savings, pensions and debts, before the divorce is finalised. It is still important to have an agreement even if you have nothing at the moment. The order will be approved by a Judge, who will consider whether it is a reasonable division of the assets. You do not need to go to Court if the Consent Order is prepared properly, and we can help you with this. There are many people, years after divorcing, who are facing financial claims, legal costs and the stress of potential court proceedings. Don’t let that be you. If you have reached an agreement about your finances and wish to keep things amicable, we offer competitive fixed fees for preparing Consent Orders. For more information contact Alexandra Dancey-Tucker on 01245 349696 Email: adancey-tucker@thblegal.com Or visit www.thblegal.com. Page 18

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Clank Clank Clank So Bob’s bike broke down on our epic 245km trip back from Ella to Negombo. We were about an hour from Villa Araliya and I could almost taste one of Charlie’s beers sliding down the back of my throat when clank clank clank Bob was forced to pull over. But that’s where guide/mechanic and all round good guy Sammi earnt his corn, helped by the chap below (we’d pulled up right outside the front of his house, to be fair) who came out with a selection of tools, nuts and bolts. I forget what was wrong with Bob’s bike now some bolt had come off inside some casing or other (it’s all a bit mechanical for me) - but it did make us realise that as much as we’d like to, we cannot really do a motorcycle tour in foreign climes without employing a guide/mechanic.

All in White Young Tommy Now I didn’t know what young Tommy Trinder (I have a penchant for making names up for people) was doing at the bus-stop at this particular time of the day, but back in my day, we used to call it ‘twagging it’ (skipping lessons). Still, he looks as though he was right pleased to see me and my camera, doesn’t it? Not. So anyway, I thought I’d get my money’s worth by giving him a good bollocking for scuffing his shoes and I finished it off with a “and pull your bloody socks up” salvo, before wandering off in search of my next ice cold Lion beer. Now what was it I was saying about travellers and damn tourists?

This surprised me...the fact that wherever we went in Sri Lanka, many of the pupils looked as though they were auditioning for a job as a milkmaid or ice-cream man, whereas on the motorbikes, we ended every day looking as though we were chimney sweeps, due to getting behind lorrys and buses and all of the filth and smog they splurted out directly onto us (not to mention a tickly cough that lasted even a week after I’d returned to Blighty), so I was always amazed how the schoolkids seemed to look so clean and Daz-white looking all the time. Mind you, these two lasses seemed about as impressed with me taking a photograph of them as was their blue-clad mate, Tommy Trinder. But y’know, it’s not as if I was doing any harm. I’m hardly Gary Glitter.

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Ella

Ella’s a well chilled place that I liked a lot, full of well cool people, just like me and Sammi, arf-arf. All of the cafes, bars and eateries are pretty much down the main drag that runs in and out of Ella, but sadly we were only there for less than 18 hours, which was a travesty. Undoubtedly the place to eat that also serves up the very best vibe (and this is a 54-and-a-half-year-old traveller offering you his opinion here) is undoubtedly Cafe Chill (oh yeah), but you do need to book to secure an evening table. But, like doughnuts, we omitted to do that last bit, so unfortunately we had to poke up with a 5/10 place a few metres further down the road. And you also have to walk to Little Adam’s Peak, only don’t do it when the temperature’s at its highest.

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Little Adam’s Peak Climbing to the top of Little Adam’s Peak at Ella was the most exercise we had in a fortnight, which is pretty disgusting considering the amount we drank. On route you pass a sign to the 98 Acres Resort, so I think any of you who’re thinking of staying in Ella for a couple of days or so seriously ought to Google it as it looks reem! I think the photograph below of Negombo Bob/Bernington Bernard/ Inch High Private Eye/Nobby Clark (he answers to all of those names), Mrs T (it’s a bit hit-and-miss as to what she answers to as she’s completely deaf in one ear) and Wilson the dog near the summit of L.A.P. is right nice as it looks and feels as though it’s hundreds of miles away from Chelmsford....which it is.

Sammi’s Truck Tour Around Negombo After our prolific motorcycle journey back to Negombo from Ella we were literally black, so obviously had to shower real good before we all jumped into the right refreshing Villa Araliya pool, or Palitha would have done his pieces. After which we set about getting stuck into quite a few bottles of right cold Lion beer fresh from tut ’fridge. Only just before we were due to walk over to the Petit restaurant for dinner, waddayaknow, young Sammi turned up in his truck because, bless his heart, he wanted to give us a Sammi-style guided tour of his very own town. So we all clambered aboard, with me and Bob in the back, and it was an absolute hoot. This photo was taken when I thrust my camera into the hands of the first unsuspecting passer-by once our grand tour had ended and I think you can see for yourselves just how happy we all were, perhaps from the realisation that we didn’t have to sit on those damned uncomfortable motorbike saddles for one moment longer. It was so nice of Sammi though as he’s only a young lad and you’d have thought he’d have been keen to get rid of us old farts and get out on the lash with his mates, but he did us proud. Adios Negombo and the fond memories we have there.

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WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW IS LOVE SWEET LOVE Has anyone else noticed just how unfriendly we have become in Chelmsford? On my recent trips out and about around our city it has become painfully apparent that the principal of 'love thy neighbour' is well and truly a thing of the past. I'm not sure what has happened, but we have become so wrapped up in our own lives that we have forgotten how to show empathy, compassion or understanding towards one another. It seems that capitalism has hoodwinked us into believing that our status in society is defined by our wealth, the gadgets we own and the cars we drive. Last week I had cause to pop to Boots on the Chelmer Village retail park. I had my daughter in the car with me and so I thought I would use one of the parent and child bays so that I could get the car seat out without accidentally knocking someone's wing mirror off. As I pulled up to a designated space I noticed a lady with 3 small children in her car who was vying for the same space as me. Her need was clearly greater than mine, so I gestured to her that she should use the space. She smiled and waved in appreciation, but before she had chance to reverse into the bay, another car turned around the corner and proceeded to park in the space. The lady made it clear to the

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driver that she had been intending to park in said space and also took the trouble to explain, not that she should have needed to, that it was a designated space intended for people with children. But the man arrogantly pointed to the teenager in his car and said "This is my son. I am a parent, he's my child, so get over it!" I honestly couldn't believe what I was witnessing and the lady was equally as gobsmacked as I was and we were both forced to find another space. I was flicking through social media later that day and, coincidentally, stumbled across a post by someone who had encountered a virtually identical situation at Aldi. What surprised me, however, was the comments people were making in response to the post. Remarkably, the general consensus seemed to be that parents with children shouldn't get special treatment in the form of allocated parking spaces at all because “if you can't park your car with children in them, you shouldn't be on the road at all." I honestly couldn't believe what I was reading and feel that people are completely missing the point. I thought such spaces were designed to help people get children and equipment out of a car safely, rather than simply making it more convenient for mum's to do their weekly shop? I can't help but get annoyed and genuinely saddened by such behaviour as I just don't understand why Chelmsford has become so angry and selfish? We have become a city

of people who push in, with car owners who drive like maniacs, dog walkers who leave their poo wherever they please, and commuters who display unbelievable levels of passive aggressiveness just because someone sits next to them. Now I don't want to sound like Mother Teresa, but maybe, just maybe after reading this, we can all spend a little bit of time being nice to one another? The thing is, small gestures of kindness cost absolutely nothing and it is amazing just how good it can make you feel. Viva la revolution!

THE BEST LEAGUE IN THE WORLD Has anyone else enjoyed the football this season as much as me (probably not, particularly if you’re a Chelsea fan). At the time of writing, Leicester City sit at the top of the table by an astonishing 5 points and have just walloped moneybags Manchester City 3-1 on their own turf. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any particular affinity with Leicester (if memory serves me correctly, it's a bit of a shithole to be fair), but the fact that a team who were odds on to get relegated this time last year are now upsetting the ‘big boys’ is absolutely fantastic. The only downside for me is that the faltering form of teams such as Man. City, Man. Utd. and Arsenal has meant that Tottenham are now genuine title contenders. Growing up, most of my family and friends were either West Ham or Spurs fans, so the merest thought of

Billy Hinken them potentially winning the Premiership always brings up a little bit of sick in my mouth. Fact is, I truly hope Leicester can stay injury free and maintain their title push, although in all honestly, my only motto for the remainder of this refreshingly unpredictable season is A.B.T. (Anyone But Tottenham).

PANDEMONIUM What’s going on with all the taxis at our railway station of late? It’s total gridlock and pandemonium during rush hour. I appreciate the station is ever so slowly undergoing redevelopment, but there appears to be no plans whatsoever to deal with the significant increase in the amount of cabs passing through it. @billyhinken

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ONLY JOKING! ORANGE LIGHT

I said to my wife, "If the orange light comes on, you need to fill the car up." So by the fourth set of traffic lights, she'd managed to cram 8 people into her Mini.

WINALOT NUGGETS I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked whether I had a dog. What on earth did she think I had? An elephant? So, since I'm retired and have very little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, but that I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, on account that I ended up in hospital last time. But hey, it seemed to work. I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both my arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel a little peckish. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now truly enthralled by my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her, “No, love. I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish setter’s arse and I got hit by a bus.”

SWINE FLU If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham, delete it immediately. It's spam.

BIBLE STUDIES A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the family car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from C to B average,” he said, “study your Bible and get your hair cut, and then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they shook hands on it, father and son. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observ-

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ed that you have been studying your Bible. But I'm still really hacked off that you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my Bible studies that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence to suggest that even Jesus had long hair too." "And did you also notice,” pointed out his father, “that they all frickin’ walked everywhere they went?"

BEANZ MEANZ HEINZ A doctor asks a pregnant lady of the night, "Do you know who the father of your child is, madam?" She succinctly replies, "Hey, if you ate a whole can of beans, would you know which one made you fart?"

TAKE TWO HILLBILLIES Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. Whilst having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies shouts over to her, “Kin ya swallar?” The woman shakes her head from side to side. Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?” Once again, she shakes her head from side to side as she begins to turn purple. So the hillbilly walks over to her, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right-butt cheek a lick with his tongue. Well, the woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth with great force. As she begins to breathe regularly again, the Hillbilly slowly walks back to his table. His partner applauds him and says, “Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seen nobody pull it off.”

iPOD 4 KIDS Apple have scrapped plans for a new children's oriented iPod after realising that ‘iTouch Kids’ is not a good product name.

CLEVER DUCK A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The bartender looks him up and down and says, "Hang on a minute, you're a duck." "Oh, I see your eyes are clearly working," replies the duck. "Wow! And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender. "And I see your ears are working too," extols the duck. "But if you don't mind, I’d like to drink my pint and eat my sandwich in peace." "Certainly, sir,” mumbles the bartender. Followed by, “Sorry about that," as he pours the duck a pint, "it's just that we don't get many ducks in here. What are you doing around these parts?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The bartender is flabbergasted and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from beneath its wing and proceeds to read it. And exactly the same thing happens every single day for the next two weeks. Only then a travelling circus comes to town and the ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and to put a poster on the noticeboard next to the dartboard. The bartender says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know of this

ONLY IN AFRICA duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper....everything, really." "Sounds marvelous," announces the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to contact me." So the next day, when the duck waddles into the pub for his pint and sarnie, the bartender says, "Hey, I reckon I can line you up with a top job paying really good money." "I'm always on the look out for the next job," says the duck. "Tell me more?" "It’s with the circus," says the bartender. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "Yes, that's right," replies the bartender. "The circus?" the duck says again. "The one in the big tent made out of canvas?" "Yes, that’s right," says the bartender. "With all those animals and those performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck. "Yes, that’s right," repeats the bartender. The duck shakes his head in amazement and says, "Whatever would they want with a plasterer?"

FOREPLAY I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or ‘foreplay’ as the wife likes to call it.

SEXIST PIGS While I was down the pub last night I overheard a couple of right plonkers saying they wouldn’t feel safe on any aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs, I thought. After all, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse it.

TAKE TWO BLONDES Two blondes are filling up at a petrol station. First blonde says to the other, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go up even higher." Second blonde replies, "It never affects me as I only ever put £20 in at a time."

REDECORATE BEDROOM A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she’d need, but she knew that her blonde friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were of identical size. "Babe," she says, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?" "Ten," replied her friend. So the blonde bought 10 rolls of wallpaper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls left over. "Babe," she said again, "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper, but I've got two left over?" "Hey," said her friend, "fancy that. So did I."

ONE EYED DOG Two blondes are walking down the road when the first blonde says, "’Ere, Shar, look at that dog with one eye!" So Sharon covers one of her eyes and says, "Where???”

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 233_The Edge 172.qxd 2/24/2016 7:45 PM Page 23

Stilt Fishermen The stilt - or stick - fishermen of Sri Lanka is one of the most evocative images of the country. Trouble is, these days the buggers want a modeling fee from tourists and although there’s seemingly no figure that’s set in stone, it is all a bit ‘Jack the Lad’ in my opinion. The fishermen sit on crude crucifixes called a petta which is tied to a vertical pole (as opposed to squatting along the riverbank as you see blokes doing in Chelmsford) and perch there awaiting their catch. Although it looks a most primitive form of J.R.Hartleying, stilt fishing is actually a recent tradition. The practice is believed to have begun during World War II when

food shortages and overcrowded fishing spots prompted some thinking outside the box. These skills were then passed on to at least two generations of fishermen living along a 30km stretch of southern shore between the towns of Unawatuna (where your editor was holed up for the second week of his stay) to Weligama. However, they say it’s more or less impossible to fish in this way unless you really know what you’re doing. So maybe it was just beginners luck that your editor managed to land a 20lb perch within minutes of sitting atop such a pole? And if you believe that, readers, you’ll believe ought.

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How well up are you on your lizards, readers? Because I was shocked to see this bugger ambling across the sand to some brush/cover at a beach cafe we were in just past Mirissa. It was way longer than my leg and a lot thicker than my thigh, so make no mistake, we’re not talking about some cute little gecko here - we’re talking about Jurassic bloody Park. I honestly couldn’t believe the size of the bugger when I clocked it and was alerted to it by the barking of a stray dog. However, as much as it barked, it never tried to gnaw the lizard and perhaps that was wise as I haven’t a clue what might of ensued. Such Monitors are carnivores and are known to eat fish, frogs,

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

rodents, birds, crabs and snakes. Delicacies to their diets also include turtles, young crocodiles and crocodile eggs (which reminds me, we saw a baby shark in paddling depth water just off Mirissa beach). Unfortunately these really quite eery (I thought) creatures are also hunted for their skins in order to make belts and handbags, and are sometimes actually eaten. I also think they’re the second heaviest lizard in the world, if Edge research is correct, which is always debatable. And get this: “If a living human fell into the water where several Water Monitors were feeding, it is very possible that the reptile’s hunting instinct would be activated, which may provoke an attack.”

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Butts Green Garden Centre, Mayes Lane, Sandon, CM2 7RW. Telephone: 01245 697316 www.grantandjones.co.uk email: sales@grantandjones.co.uk Page 23

The Edge 233_The Edge 172.qxd 2/24/2016 7:42 PM Page 24

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Mrs Edge had been wanting to try an authentic Sri Lankan curry ever since we first mooted the idea of going to Sri Lanka, so when one eventually materialised, midway through the second week of our stay - and we had to order it 24 hours in advance at the hotel we were staying at, The Flower Garden in Unawatuna, whose food was very good indeed, it has to be said - well, it was completely wasted on me in so far as the sheer amount honestly put my lights out. So much so that immediately after I’d had my fill, I had to toddle off down the garden path to our cabana where I immediately crashed and burned, leaving my fellow compatriots to drink brandy by candlelight on the veranda outside our rooms. Now we had been recommended The Flower Garden by a mutual friend, but the trouble is, what someone else likes and what you like are often two very different things, aren’t they? I was wary the moment we began checking in and was reluctant to let our cab driver go, as I had visions of us moving on (after all, they had been kind enough to reserve our rooms on my emailed say so, with no money changing hands, so we honestly could have scarpered). To me, it was just tired looking, you know? It clearly required some much needed TLC. It needed a bit of a spruce up. It looked jaded. The bottom line is, we like a hotel with a view and a toilet seat that doesn’t slide when you lean to one side to wipe your bum (and yes, I did get ‘the squits’ in Sri Lanka, but not as much as I do in India). And when you sit on your balcony or outside your room, a breeze is always most welcome, whereas The Flower Garden is built right next to dense jungle and it was just so damn hot even right the way up until bedtime and such intensity proper hacked me off after a while, despite the fact we’d been hearing tales of just how cold it was back in Blighty. The best hotel we stayed in was undoubtedly the Ozo in Colombo that we checked into for less than 24 hours at the end of our stay, simply in order to wake up and not have too far a journey back to the airport. But the trouble is, are you really up for it on your very last night? I guess some of you will answer a resounding ‘yes’ to that question, whereas I tend to suffer from FNB (final night blues), knowing that the following day it’s back to reality, and believe me, I came down to earth with a bump following a Sunday afternoon flight back to Heathrow, getting to bed at 10:15pm (although so far as my body clock was concerned it was 03:45am) and then I was up at 05:30am Blighty time and out delivering the February Edge mags. Like I say, reality slapped me round the chops like a proper wet bit of fish. The view from the top floor and outside bar area of the Ozo hotel in Colombo.

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Here’s a poser to start this month’s missive direct from San Diego. Think of two really bad things about the country I now call home. Go on, do it. It’s a raging certainty that the vast majority of you will have come up the same two items - healthcare and guns. There might be a totally understandable mention for Kim Kardashian occasionally and perhaps even unbridled capitalism would get a vote or two from the more serious. In general though, it’s the incredibly complex and expensive access to medicine and the obsession with guns that Brits, and indeed everyone else in the world, perceive as issues the US has got spectacularly and incomprehensibly wrong. This column has covered the way that your average Joe gets his pills, injections and hernia trusses before, so we won’t go down that path again. No, this month we’ll look at the other one. It’s time to get to grips with guns. It’s not just another mass murder that has brought this to the forefront of the mind, but something that dropped in my mailbox the other day. And when I say ‘mailbox’ I mean the physical one, whereby printed matter is delivered by a smiling postman. Or postlady in my case. Just last month, out of the blue, I got an invitation to join a club. So what, it happens all the time. Yes, it does. But this particular club is really only open to complete nutters and I certainly don’t want in. Just who was it that thought that I, a born and bred Brit,

CALIFORNIA DREAMIN’

by Steve Ward

GOD & GUNS might want to join the National Rifle Association? If you aren’t completely au fait with the NRA, a word of explanation is necessary. The NRA is the most powerful lobby group in the US. It is a one issue gang whose only reason for being is to defend the second amendment to the US Constitution that allows every citizen to own a gun. In fact, they don’t just defend a citizen’s right to own a gun. If they had their way, owning a gun would be compulsory. After every mass shooting - so that’s just about every other week then - the NRA trots out a spokesman to spout the following line: “The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is for good guys to

have guns. Lots of them.” It’s absolutely ludicrous thinking, of course, and you can sense Barrack Obama’s frustration every time he has to stand up and say something appropriate about another 20 or more people needlessly gunned down, all because he cannot get even the smallest hint of gun control legislation through Congress. This is a failure entirely due to the fact that the NRA controls so many of the people in Congress. How? Well, in marginal constituencies the organisation guarantees that its many local members will vote for the candidate that promises to push the NRA’s agenda. That is often enough to tilt the seat in the said candidate’s way.

Another bit of clarification is required here too. It’s easy, and unless you know differently, understandable, to state that the USA has a gun problem. Well, of course it does. But as usual with controversial issues it’s not quite so black and white. That simple statement about a US gun problem doesn’t take account of the various cultures that exist in this vast country. For example, the inhabitants of the big, sophisticated cities on the edges - think New York, Boston and Philadelphia on the east coast and San Francisco, LA, Seattle and San Diego on the west - would all vote tomorrow for serious gun control measures. And indeed in many individual states that’s exactly what has happened. But once you head into the heartland of the US things are different. Out there people are the sons and daughters of pioneers. God and guns is a way of life and it’s not just stupid people following that creed. For instance, a few years ago I had reason to spend more time than I really wanted to hanging around a hospital in Montana. I got to know some of the doctors and nurses well and all those intelligent and educated people own guns. It’s just what they do. Some went hunting, others had them for ‘self protection’. They probably wouldn’t go as far as joining the NRA, but then again they didn’t consider it odd or aggressive behaviour in the slightest to own a firearm. Or two. Or even three. Anyway, my invitation to the nutters club was neatly put away. In the circular filing cabinet.

You can contact Wardo at steveward2000@hotmail.com

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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KINGPIN’S STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS As I write this, America is once again enjoying the three-ring circus that passes for its electoral process. American politics is basically a spectator sport these days and my circus jibe is only meant half in jest, particularly as the circus now has its very own clown in the form of Donald Trump. ‘The Donald’, as he’s affectionately known, is a frothing, gibbering lunatic who shouldn’t be trusted to cut up his own dinner, let alone control the nuclear codes of a superpower.

The finger of reason poised over ‘the button’

However, now that I stop and think about it, he’s rich enough that I doubt he even has to cut up his own dinner. He probably even has an Hispanic maid to chew it for him and regurgitate it into his mouth like a minimum-wage seagull while he squawks at her to get out of his country and flaps his flabby bingo-wings in a racist-idiot fury. If you’ve been watching any of his rallies you probably share my feeling of bemused horror that this nasty, juvenile ginger haired man is being taken anywhere near seriously as a prospective presidential candidate. But not only is he being taken seriously, he’s actually doing very well and garnering a lot of support among the electorate which should certainly be setting a few alarm bells ringing. The fact that such a divisive, inflammatory and ludicrous individual is getting a groundswell of such passionate support should be raising a lot of questions. When you have a man ranting that he wants to build a gigantic wall across the border of America and Texas and a lot of people are enthusiastically cheering him, something has got to be wrong. When you have a man advocating the expulsion or internment of all Muslims in America, just in case they might be terrorists, and a lot of people are enthusiastically cheering him, something has got to be wrong. I’ve heard a few people dismiss Trump and his followers by saying: “He’ll never get elected, so why worry? Just enjoy the spectacle and laugh at all the idiots cheering for this lunatic.” But I think that totally misses the point. Just to be clear, even with Trump currently being 7 points clear of the next

Donald got his giant wall idea from the documentary ‘Escape From New York’ Page 26

ME & MY  adamantium skeleton

whose turn it is to be demonised. Why? Because it’s a darn site easier than actually getting up off our arses and demanding real change in the system. Real change of any kind, whether it be political or personal, is hard. It hurts and often you have to tear something down first before something better can be put up in its place. We all know that our politicians and leaders are corrupt and callous and don’t give a shit about us, unless we happen to be a billionaire or a tax dodging corporation, of course. We all know too that Labour or Conservative or Democrat or Republican are just different flavours of the same old shit we’ve been eating for years. We all know that the ‘system’ as it stands is a dangerous, destructive shambles and we all know that the people in control will never give it up as it benefits them while they suck the rest of us dry.

The Kingmeister reports Republican in the running and even with the huge numbers of such passionate supporters, I don’t believe for a second he’ll be voted into office. Yes, I know that America has already elected a cowboy actor and the Terminator for President and Governor respectively, but even they have to draw the line somewhere, and I think (hope?) ‘The Donald’ is that line. It would be easy to reduce his supporters to caricatures of simple-minded bigots, but dismissing them like that is both disingenuous and counterproductive. Oh, I’m sure a few of them are exactly that and it’s no secret that Donald’s supporters are mainly from low-income, blue-collar families (which is weird when you consider they’re throwing their support behind a billionaire who’s made his fortune exploiting people just like them), but it’s stupid to think that every single one of his supporters has the IQ of a Fray Bentos. Whether Trump wins or loses is almost irrelevant. What this primary has shown us is that a huge amount of people are angry and scared. They’re rooting for the man who, despite running under a Republican banner, has made a point of saying he’s not a part of the traditional political process or beholden to lobbyists and campaign contributions like his rivals. This is a huge amount of the country that are saying they don’t trust the political process anymore, and I can certainly relate to that. I think only the most naïve people don’t believe that corruption and graft are rife within politics. Indeed, some of it is an open and disgustingly legal part of the political process. Donations from corporations and lobbyists should all be banned immediately. Being able to essentially buy governmental policies is scandalous, and the fact that it’s allowed, even encouraged to happen, is something that should fill us all with outrage. It’s a sad and scary fact that the presidential race is won by the party who had the most money to spend and the correlation between election victories and having a shit load of money has been there for every single election in US history. I haven’t managed to find a clear-cut study like that on our own political

We need a bit more of this in politics

There’s no point to this pic apart from me saying: “Twat”

process yet, but seeing as how a significant proportion of MP’s have been fiddling their expenses and generally getting a lot of money for doing a shit job, then it wouldn’t surprise me to learn it was a similar case in the UK. In my opinion, what we need to learn from the rise of ‘The Donald’, and indeed the political malaise that mires our own country, is that a lot of people out there are scared and angry, mistrustful and unhappy, and then we should be asking: “Why?” and “What can we do about it?” Obviously that’s a huge and difficult question and I certainly don’t have an answer, but I do know that building giant walls and putting people into internment camps certainly isn’t one either. I totally get that it can seem like a frightening time to be alive with everything that’s going on in the world, so I can see why so many people are feeling scared and lashing out. But it doesn’t need to be like that and that’s the really sad thing. I’ve said it before, but I think it’s worth repeating that for every bit of bad news and awful things happening in the world, there are an equal or probably even greater amounts of good stuff happening, it’s just that the good news doesn’t sell as well as misery and the opportunity to be outraged and point fingers does. I’ll hazard a guess that a large percentage of you reading this are just as jaded and cynical about politics and how our ruling elite seem to be hell-bent on making our lives awkward, while lining their pockets at our expense, but what are you doing about it? What am I doing about it? Nothing. We’re doing nothing about it, apart from whinging and shifting the blame onto immigrants, fat people, smokers, gays or Muslims, or whatever group

So what are we doing about it? Nothing, because another thing we all know is that to really change it will be a difficult and possibly even dangerous undertaking. The social and economic upheaval would be devastating and change on such a scale could almost certainly cost some people their lives. We all know that and we’ve all made that decision to just let things carry on the way they are because it’s safer and easier, so instead we’ll limit our expressions of disgust and rebellion to the odd petition or protest, secure in the knowledge that they won’t actually have any effect. I think it’s this knowledge that as much as we might hold our leaders in contempt for their greed and corruption, we’re all tacitly complicit in it and that’s part of the reason so many of us are feeling angry, because we’re angry at ourselves as much as them. I can also see why so many people in the US are jumping onto the Trump bandwagon as he might, just might, be different to what’s been before and I think on some strange level we might all be supporters of ‘The Donald’ right now. I think things have to change though, not any time soon, but some day, and hopefully it won’t be a violent process, although it wouldn’t surprise me if there’s bloodshed. Just remember that every time we shake our heads in disgust at the latest bit of scandal or political chicanery that we’re the ones letting them get away with it. Try and remember that governments only have as much power as we let them have and that they’re there to serve us, not the other way around. Maybe if we all bear this in mind we’ll get closer to that change? Maybe if we all made an effort and worked together we wouldn’t have to latch onto the coat tails of a lunatic like Trump to fool ourselves into thinking that things might be different this time around? The Edge 01245 348256

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Yet what is success for Leicester City this term? Surely a place in the Champions League next season, although wouldn’t they have been absolutely delirious if they’d been offered entry into the 2016-17 Uefa Europa League way back in August 2015?

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I so want it to.

It’s all a case of if’s, what’s and maybe’s. But whatever the outcome, one thing’s for certain; it’s been so refreshingly entertaining and I don’t think any of us could remotely have imagined that Leicester City would be top going into March.

from ONLY

TA L

But will it all end happily ever after?

It’s totally pointless trying to predict how many points they’re likely to collect from that little lot, or whether the subsequent fortnights break, should they lose at Selhurst Park on 19th March, would play on their minds to a negative effect.

6 windows and 2 doors

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But it’s Leicester’s rise to prominence that has catapulted them to become everyone’s second favourite team and what a wonderful fairystory it has been.

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What a marvelously unpredictable, topsy-turvy season this has turned out to be, including a proper Mourinho meltdown, a Spurs side with a backbone (where did that come from?), plus a flailing Manchester United playing football as damp as the Lancashire climate.

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By contrast, after a spectacular finale to the previous season that saw Leicester B City miraculously avoid relegation, the close season dismissal of their popular manager (in certain quarters at least) Nigel Worthington and the appointment of the so called Italian has-been and ‘Tinkerman’, I fervently believed that the Foxes would be doomed.

Leicester City have 10 games remaining in which to claim a place in history and make thousands of people - not just their own fans romantically delirious with joy.

from ONLY

ER

Can a fairytale possibly happen? Before the very first fixtures had even been played in this most remarkable of seasons, I predicted that Manchester City would win their third Premiership title. Then when they won their opening five league games (3-0 at WBA, 3-0 at home to Chelsea, 2-0 at Everton, 2-0 at home to Watford, and 1-0 at Crystal Palace) without conceding a single goal in reply, I honestly thought they’d do it at a canter and have it all wrapped up, bar the shouting, by Christmas.

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IDRIS ELBOW CHAPPY SPLITS WITH PARTNER Word reaches The Edge that will make thousands of ladies wet their cacks, due to the fact that that Idris Elba chappy has recently split with his chunky (well, it has to be said) long-term partner, Naiyana Garth (or ‘Garth’n’Girth’ as they were known down their local). Naiyana bore ‘Shaft’ a son who they then somewhat comically decided to christen Winston. A source says: “It’s all gone Pete Tongue, but they’re trying to smile through it due to their teeth-white endorsement contracts.” The couple had only been dating since 2013 and Idris has moved into a flat nearby where he now has more time and space to brood and pace up and down the shagpile in one of his long black leather coats. P.S. If I was ever spotted coming out of a nightclub with Naomi Campbell on my arm, I’d like to think that Mrs Edge would be a little more forgiving than Naiyana has seemingly been. The split follows hot on the heels of Gary Lineker’s decision to show Danielle Bux, some 19 years his junior, a red card for services rendered. Likewise Nick Knowles (53) and Jessica Rose Moor (28) whilst Halle Berry is footloose and fancy free once again - that woman just can’t seem to hold a relationship together. As is Kerry Katona, Jeremy Kyle, Charlize Theron and Sean Penn (following their split after an 18 months courtship), Ben Affleck, Sienna Miller (she goes through blokes like a dog through hoops), Brian McFadden (his ex Vogue is a peach) and Britney Spears.

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You know how it feels when you exit a club or a restaurant and you’re blinded by the bulbs of the paparazzi (or is it just me?) and it takes you a good couple of minutes to be able to see properly again? Now imagine a similar flash, but 100 times brighter. Yep, just imagine shining a beam like that into the eyes of anyone who opened their dirty rain mac on you with nothing but their right excited modesty to show for it beneath. This is the X800 LED Flashlight - and it’s military grade, folks - military! Fact is, most people underestimate the importance of owning a truly great flashlight, but in the world we live in, what with terrorism, natural disasters and tripping over when you go out to get into your car early of a morning when it’s dark, it’s more important than ever to have the right tactical gear. Look them up on the net, readers. Apparently they’re currently selling for $300 (approx. £207) with 75% off the RRP. The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 233_The Edge 172.qxd 2/24/2016 7:43 PM Page 29

MOTCO

Man on the Clapham Omnibus

Let’s do the whole thing from now on... This month we have to visit a MOTCO regular, the use of language. It should be a reminder about the whole ‘can I get’ scenario because, like ‘nose in’ parking, the problem is growing. However, we will visit the parking issue in a future issue. I have noticed a growing trend, and I think the Australians started this, which is to only carry out or have a ‘bit’ of something. The Motty family has an Australian branch, started when the family business of Tweed hunting could no longer sustain two brothers. Older brother set off to Australia with the promise of riches, having purchased an exclusive license to turn Kangaroo poo into gold from a Nigerian gentlemen on-line. The chap, a prince, was offering a cut of a gazillion dollars in return for bank account details, plus some kind of medicine to enlarge one’s organ. A word was had with his local church and they said the organ was big enough and had been since 1902, when it was first fitted. Quite why a kindly Nigerian gentleman in Lagos would worry about the size of a church organ is beyond me, but I digress. Having rejected the first two ideas on offer as too outlandish, he plumped for the Kangaroo poo license. There have since been a few hold-ups on receiving the formula from Lagos, but things are hopeful. During the long winter days one receives missives from ‘the lucky country’, often containing the message “we’re having a bit of a barbie”. No, they are not indulging in some kind of Aussie ritual and snacking on pieces of plastic toys, but apparently alluding to a barbecue. I think to myself: which bit are you having, lighting the fire but not having any food, or not lighting the fire and having shop bought mock BBQ food with printed burn lines on it? And so it goes on. Why do we have a ‘bit of a do’ when having a party or a get together? The guests turn up to no booze, no music, no food, just a gathering as the host announces this is the ‘bit’ of the ‘do’ we are having this time around. Maybe next birthday we can have another ‘bit’ from the ‘do’. It gets more curious as my mother-in-law down in South Wales (‘Jones the Mott’) only ever says a bit of sausage and mash or a bit of egg and bacon. Why? Just have the whole thing. A couple of sausages, a pile of mash, peas, onion gravy. It has to be better than the ‘bit’ you were thinking of having, surely.

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But the ‘bit’ thing does not stop there at food, oh no. How many times do you hear some lunatic who has just run a marathon for the first time say to some equally lunatic reporter asking the highly original question: how does it feel? “Oh it was OK, but the last 22 miles were ‘a bit of a push’.” The evidence that is the pile of human wreckage in front of us usually says it all, but no, we have to get the quote from the lucky participant. When actually, sunshine, looking at you, I think it was much more than a ‘bit’ required on the push side of things. More like the collective pushing power of a herd of angry Rhino’s. In Canada there is a shop called ‘A Bit of Home’ which specialises in imported consumer goods from Ireland and Britain, everything from food to football souvenirs. Now they can justify that use as they are truly selling ‘bits’ from home. So you may love Canada and only miss Haywards pickles from the UK, so acquire that ‘bit’ from the shop. And, of course, the ultimate, ‘a bit of the other’. How are babies going to get made if you are only doing a certain ‘bit’? Let’s face it, the taking your clothes off ‘bit’ isn’t going to cut it without the nudey prod ‘bit’ taking place. By this stage in 2016, all of your New Year resolutions have obviously fallen apart faster than a cheap knock-off handbag that says Micky Coors on the badge. So stick to this one resolution and see it through 2016. Yes, go the distance and have or do the whole thing; have egg and bacon, have a proper party or ‘do’ and most definitely have a full BBQ this summer. And as for the ‘other’? Well, I trust you on that one. Motty apparently is just as guilty because my boss often says that’s all you do, a ‘bit’ here and ‘bit’ there, in between lunches.

Yours aye, Motty.

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The Edge 233_The Edge 172.qxd 2/24/2016 7:43 PM Page 30

ground to open up and swallow me. On and on she wittered. "Oh I love that magazine. I used to pick it up from Tesco on Parkway, but now it’s a B&M store now. I even remember when Bolingbrokes used to stock it, but now I have to pick one up in town.” And all the time, there I am, lying there with legs akimbo, begging for the whole thing to be over and done with, only she suddenly realises, in between telling me about her cat and drawing breath, that she’d finished ages ago and I could have got up and dressed myself. And then says, “Oh I will have to tell the other nurses hall about you - perhaps you can even give us a mention?” So there you have it, ladies.

TOTALLY TRACIE SHOUT IT ALL OUT I know we Brits are famed for our smalltalk, but there’s a time and a place for it. Take, for instance, the other day, when I had to go for a smear test (and I’ll bet The Edge Ed. just spat his tea out as he was proofreading that!) But it’s no good cringing and wincing all you males reading this. Let’s face it, your test for prostrate cancer is far more embarrassing, but it’s got to be done, hasn’t it? So you just grit your teeth and get on with it. And if a smear test isn't bad enough - we women get a hard time of it before they even get there. For instance, my surgery sends me a letter two weeks prior, advising me about the appropriate clothing to wear. No tights, trousers or leggings. No tight skirts or spandex, as it takes too long to remove and there are other patients waiting, you know. Talk about being on a conveyor-belt. We women might as well save time and turn up naked from the waist down if you ask me. Tut, the last time I wore a long flowing skirt was on my wedding day and look where that landed me! But can you honestly imagine telling a man not to wear any trousers, nor undercrackers, or lace-up shoes. It just wouldn’t happen, would it?

:

(5+ *(2, ;05: -3(5 +0:/,: >66+,5

But then you have to go through the whole awful process and you just want to get it over and done with as quickly as possible and hope that no one recognises you. Only then a jolly nurse enters the room and starts wittering on. She starts off by asking, “How are you?” How am I? I wanted to scream, “I’m bloody embarrassed, that's how I am, lying here all exposed, and in bloody February too.” So there I am, on the bed, dying of embarrassment. And the nurse persists, "Have you had a busy day? Have you got to go back to work after this? Have you booked your holidays yet?" Bless me, I was trying my best to nod and blink, hoping she’d simply get the job done, but it felt as though she was rummaging around down there and suddenly she says, “OMG, I have it. I know you! You’re the girl who writes in The Edge, aren’t you?” Well, I would have leapt off the table had my legs not be locked in mid-air. How on earth did a she recognise me from where she’s been looking? Over the years I've bared my soul on this page from time to time, but never my nether regions, never. I just wanted the

Page 30

But all joking aside, I did learn that loads of women are now no longer turning up for their smear appointments. It seems the legacy of Jade Goody has long since faded and more and more women are skipping their appointments and tests are at an all time low. But no matter how embarrassing, or time consuming, you simply must make time for it, ladies, as it really could save your life. And when you are lying on that bed with your legs in the air, just think, it could be worse - you could’ve been me!

SHOULD HAVE PUT A WING ON IT I was on my way to work the other day, stuck at the Army & Navy (as I am most days) when it suddenly dawned on me that the best way to pay for a new underpass would be to sell plaques on the flyover. Forget about a park bench in Admirals Park, the vast majority of us spend so long under that bloody bridge that I think our pain should be recorded for posterity. And if that wasn’t bad enough, some twit came on the radio the other morning actually defending taxes. Now usually at such a point I’ll reach for my CD player, but something he said totally inflamed me and caused me to listen further. And this is what he said: “Ladies sanitary products are considered ‘luxury items’ and therefore should be taxed as such.” Talk about scream at the radio! So as soon as I got home that evening I Googled it and was genuinely shocked to discover that all of the struggle and strife we women go through is considered to be ‘a luxury’. It’s enough to make you want to burn your bra, only let’s face it, no matter how pretty and lovely they make them these days, I can never wait to get home and whip mine straight off....right, girls? Whereas helicopters, razor blades, Twiglets, cake decorations, crocodile shoes, marshmallows, flapjacks, pitta bread and bingo are all considered to be ‘essential items’ and are therefore non taxable. Yet women's sanitary products are taxed as ‘luxury item’, and there are no plans to change things. Let me tell you, no woman has ever stood in a supermarket and gone, “I think I’ll treat myself to a bit of luxury this month.” Believe me, these products are not in the same league as Ferro Rocher or prosecco! Next time we women are flying about on our skateboards, in our luxury Always Extras, or having fun living our lives dancing and being discreet, remember to remind yourselves: ‘Life if full of luxuries.’.

Tracie123@aol.com

The Edge 233_The Edge 172.qxd 2/24/2016 8:03 PM Page 31

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