The Edge Magazine April 2016

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EDGE

the

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

ISSUE NO: 234

APRIL 2016

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The Edge 234_The Edge 172.qxd 3/23/2016 8:44 PM Page 3

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Here’s Darren J. Maynard, head honcho of the Bang & Olufsen enterprise in New London Road, Chelmsford, readers, and he’s an all round good egg(head), as you can see!

For all caricatures, please contact Ben at benchurchett@aol.com Facecock: Monkey Circus Caricatures by Ben Churchett Instagram: MonkeyCircusCaricatures Twitter: @Benlofc

The Edge 077 646 797 44

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The Edge Editor’s Column GRIM Have you noticed how the majority of cars on our roads are coloured either black or grey?

That’s because their owners choose a colour that reflects both the mood and the climate of the country we live in. Whereas if England was a little closer to the equator, you’d see far more yellow and orange cars on our roads.

So the outlook of True Brit mentality is clearly grim, more grim, dark grey and shite.

ADELE How can that Adele woman sing like she does, yet also cackle like a fish-wife, like she does?

She sounds like Catherine Tate’s ‘Nan’.

GOJI BERRIES I had cause to pop into one of our local supermarkets recently, as the wife was getting low on her goji berries, which have apparently been used in Chinese medicine for more than 6,000 years, although you’d think they’d have started

to go a bit stale by now, wouldn’t you?

I honestly didn’t know where they might be located, so I had to ask a member of staff, only it ultimately took three of them to get their heads together (doh!) before they could figure out where said shrivelled red warts might be shelved (by the way, goji berries are alleged to boost the immune system and brain activity, whilst also protecting against heart disease, cancer, and improve life expectancy).

But the thing of it is, as I was discussing said location with a shortish member of staff, she kept on looking at me just below my chin until it got to the point where I could take it no longer, so I blurted, “What, have I got egg on my scarf, or something?�

And do you know what she replied?

Go on, have a guess, only you’ll never get it even if you have a thousand guesses.

Without a word of a lie, she said, “I don’t do eye contact.�

WTF?

fully eight months, only when he “spray painted a penis and tackle around it� it got fixed in less than 48 hours.

However, the council are clearly not his biggest fans and take a dim view on his actions, deeming his drawings to be “obscene� and that “every penny spent cleaning off such graffiti is a penny less available to spend on repairing potholes.�

Despite that, support for the street artist continues to grow online, due to the fact that he is clearly in the motorist’s corner.

POSH SANDWICH If I ever feel like proper treating myself of a lunchtime, I’ll make myself some salmon and cucumber sandwiches (with red salmon, mind, not pink) on Sainsburys magnificent multi-seeded sliced (by the baker) granary bread with lashings of pepper and vinegar, and just a dash/tossing of sea salt.

Now that is what I call a proper sandwich, is that. And the soggier the better, too.

SHEEPDOGS

CAN OPENER UPDATE

How clever are sheepdogs?

No clever enough to wipe their own arses is the answer.

Got myself a new can opener, readers. Well, Mrs Edge did, as she does most stuff.

An Edge fan by the name of Keith was first out of the starting blocks to recommend us a Brabatia, which sounds a bit like James Bond’s favoured handgun. However, as they’re only available from Robert Dyas, we couldn’t be arsed to shop on-line (which is surely a contradiction in terms), so we ended up with a Culinaire Magician from Lakelands in town/city/titty, as recommended by Edge reader Francine Thurley - only sorry if you read The Edge on the old QT, Francine, and don’t really want your family and friends to know about it.

POTHOLES  Have you heard the one about the bloke who’s going around spraying a G.G.S. (gentleman’s genitalia shapes) around potholes on the road?

It’s true, someone is, and he’s calling himself something not dissimilar to Banksy (only with a ‘W’ instead of a ‘B’).

The anonymous northern street artist says he’s been working at his craft “on and off for a couple of years� in order to bring his local council’s attention to the state of the roads.

And get this, readers, the fella reckons that one particular pothole had been left unchecked for

THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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One glass per day

Flying Scotsman Received a text from right excited Edge reader Austin ‘Oz’ Burrows the day The Flying Scotsman returned to the rails after a 53 year absence and a decade-long restoration programme costing a cool £4.2 million.

“Mate, what a train,” he text me. “F****** noise was unreal.”

So I’m reckoning he’d watched it go past him, although he didn’t mention where.

He continues, “£400 per ticket for a trip up to Scotland” (plus a few ‘bags of loot’ symbols).

So now I’m really confused as I thought it was only going from Kings Cross up to York.

Then he sends me the photograph (above), which looks pretty professional.

“Did you take that?” I text him back. “What footie ground is that?”

“The Arsenal,” he replies, but no answer to my other question.

The Flying Scotsman, built in 1923 and retired in 1963, was the first train to travel at over 100mph way back in 1934.

The Edge has never been into engines and the mechanics of what makes things work, but it’s always loved steam trains and the trail of smoke they leave behind, not to mention when they go ‘choo-choo’. You either ‘get it’ or you don’t.

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Quacks are forever going on about us having no more than one glass of wine per day and that ever so sobering phrase ‘drinking in moderation’, the party-poopers.

But this woman (below) seems as though she’s figured a way to keep within the restrictive levels and have a ‘good old drink’ into the bargain.

Personally speaking, I’m a bit of an ‘all or nothing’ type of editor, for you will rarely see a halffinished bottle of wine in our house - unless it’s a bottle of white in the ’fridge that the missus is nursing.

No, I like to finish the whole damn bottle, whether I’m sharing it with anyone or I’m not.

It’s just that ‘they’ reckon we should consume no more than 3 units per day and definitely no more than 4 units at any one occasion.

So no doubt my quack wouldn’t agree with me ‘saving up my units’ Sunday to Thursday and then using them all up (and then some) on a Friday and Saturday.

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“Why do dogs do this?”

They foul in our parks and on our pavements, whilst offering up a ‘look’ as if to say butter wouldn’t melt, only then they go and do a thing like this, which is completely anti-social.

Though apparently they are merely ‘speaking with chemicals’ (yeah, right) as a dog’s sense of smell is 10,000 to 100,000 times keener than yours or mine, readers, thanks to its large olfactory membrane, which is a lump of tissue tucked up in its snout that can be as large as a handkerchief and hold more than 225 million olfactory receptors (whereas our own are apparently puny by comparison and around the size of a postage stamp and home to a mere 5 million O.R.’s).

Fact is, much dog-to-dog communication is done through smell (i.e. “Go on, ’ave a good sniff of that cable I’ve just laid, then tell me what you think?”).

EDGE

the

When one dog greets another and stuffs its nose into the other dog’s derriere, it is basically getting a brief biography of its newfound friend, written in scent molecules and pheromones. To the sides of a dog’s butt are pouches called, fittingly, anal sacs which contain glands which secrete chemicals that can tell a sniffer a lot of information, such as gender (although you’d have thought that was pretty obvious), reproductive status, plus clues about the other dog’s health, diet and even emotional state. It may seem like a strange way of saying, ‘Hi. Pleased to meet you,’ but that’s exactly what butt-sniffing is.

So try it, readers. You never know, you might even like it.

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CITIZEN Sport as entertainment, competitiveness and sheer emotion

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Watching the Liverpool versus Manchester United in the Europa Cup first leg tie at Anfield on BT Sport, Citizen was delighted, if somewhat surprised, that the UK’s favourite (?) telecoms provider did not follow the pattern of it’s rivals when showing live football.

Instead of just showing about 10 seconds of the Kop engaging its famous rendition of Rogers & Hammerstein’s ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ the cameras and mikes remained focused on what is truly one of the most emotional and spine-tingling experiences that a sports fan can experience in this country. The sight and sound of those red scarves held aloft and over ten-thousand Scouse voices singing along is truly something to behold and something that Citizen, who is married into a Liverpool family, is privileged to have witnessed on many occasions.

Before we proceed, some readers may be confused and thinking that Mr. Rogers forename must be Gerry and his songwriting partner had some sort of pacemaker device fitted? No, the song actually comes from the 1945 musical ‘Carousel’ by Richard Rogers and Oscar Hammerstein II. The fact that the Kop sing it (as indeed do Celtic supporters, who incidentally pinched it off Liverpool) is a direct result of the musical genius of the late Sir George Martin who passed away last month. Having the inspiration to first sign the Beatles when they started to make pop history in late 1963 and early 1964, the musical world invaded Liverpool and dozens of groups were signed to recording contracts. But the canny Mr. Martin, as he was then, also got one of the best of the other groups around too in Gerry and the Pacemakers who actually became the first artists in British recording history to score three consecutive number one hits when these were based on sales figures alone.

Having got to number one with ‘How Do You Do It’ and ‘I Like It’ George looked around for something different and with his knowledge of almost all genres of music lighted upon ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ which has since, forever, been Gerry Marsden’s signature piece.

It is also Liverpool FC’s signature anthem and the title adorns their stadium gates and their shirts. This is because just as Bill Shankly’s Liverpool FC were commencing their period of domination of English club football in the 1963/64 season – on their way to winning the League that season, the FA Cup the next (when that competition ranked almost equally to the league) and the league again in 1965/66 - Sir George oversaw the release in October 1963 of the song that, as it rose to number one in the charts, was adopted (ahead of anything by the Beatles) as the fans anthem and has been ever since through the many triumphs and the disasters the club has experienced along the way.

Take a look at one of the many videos of the song performed by both the band and the Kop on YouTube and you’ll see what Citizen means, and there may not be a dry eye in the house when you do.

This was why Citizen was delighted to relive the Kop experience in full with BT Sport the other week, minus the usual ad break or studio discussion that the other channels go to at such times.

It also set Citizen thinking about sport, not just concerning competing and winning, but about the emotion and a sense of belonging and shared experience that comes with it.

In Citzen’s view, the only experience that comes close to

rivaling it in English soccer (I use the word for any American readers so that they can keep up) is the rendition of ‘I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles’ sung with almost equal gusto by West Ham fans as their team takes to the field at the Boleyn Ground, Upton Park, along with a shower of actual bubbles.

Will it be the same next season at the Olympic Stadium?

Citizen hopes so, but fears it may not be.

Observers may miss out on that close up stadium experience in much the same way as will local pubs, cafes, burger bars and sellers of soapy bubble water in Green Street, London E13 when the club moves.

Citizen feels well placed to make comparisons as, while it is a long way from qualifying for the 92 club of supporters who have been to every one of the grounds in the top 4 divisions, Citizen has attended matches in 53 league grounds, past or present (and that doesn’t involve any double counting of Arsenal, Derby, Brighton or Colchester whose former and current stadiums have all been visited for a game). Add in the National League (aka the Skrill League) and Braintree Town along with Tranmere Rovers makes it 55.

Sadly, membership of the 92 Club, alongside that of the almost equally prestigious (?) mile-high club, will almost certainly pass Citizen by.

Citizen estimates that it has been to in excess of 1,250 football league matches plus about 25 games at Wembley both before and after the stadium renovation in the early 2000’s, as well as over 200 days of first class cricket.

For atmosphere and emotion, Anfield and Upton Park truly take some beating, although the combined singing of ‘Abide With Me’ on FA Cup Final day also brings a lump to the throat.

What about Citizen’s best overall ‘customer experience’ at any sporting venue ever (if true fans will forgive the use of this marketing term)?

Sadly, it wasn’t even in the UK, or at a sport that Citizen understands. This accolade goes to Citizen’s one and only baseball game at New York’s Yankee Stadium. The welcome was genuine and totally overwhelming.

In true USA style, the length of the queue (sorry, ‘line’) was a case of ‘under promise - over deliver’ - like Disney, when they say 15 minutes, they actually mean 10!

Citizen was asked if he had ever served in Britain’s Armed Forces or Fire Brigade with the unavoidable inference that admission would have been free if the answer was ‘yes’, but I didn’t lie. However, on being asked Citizen’s age the admission price applied was the 65+ ($10) one, even though that venerable age had not yet been achieved at that particular time.

There was no frisking - even in security conscious New York - and a much more courteous bag search than you ever get at football matches or T20 cricket.

You can even get a beer to drink in sight of the pitch and they bring it round the stands (or bleachers) for you to buy while you watch.

There was a superbly observed, and in itself quite emotional, interruption when everyone stood for the US Flag and a rendering of the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ in honour of their servicemen.

The welcome at the Yankee Stadium gate was somewhat of a contrast to the one Citizen experienced on it’s only visit to Blackpool FC (in their promotion season) to see them play Ipswich.

Before admission was allowed, Citizen had to give its postcode - but played safe with the in-laws Liverpool one, rather than its Essex one, in case that was too close to home to be allowed to watch a Suffolk team play football.

With that sort of thing going on, how does anyone qualify any more for the 92 Club if you even need a postcode lottery to get into some grounds?

The Edge 01245 348256

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YOU WANT ME! Virtual Graphic Solutions KHDWKHU#SXUSOHPD]H FR XN _ Þ ZZZ SXUSOHPD]H FR XN

THE HAIRY MONSTER SCAM This a real scam. I took £50 out of a wall machine and, feck me, when I checked my bank statement a week later, the buggers had taken the exact same amount out of my account. FREE CASH my arse.

MOROCCO Whilst riding my motorbike along a desert road in Morocco a while back, I was stopped for speeding. The policeman gave me a choice of penalties. I could either pay a fine, the equivalent of £1.50, or take him for a ride on the back of my bike past the police station. Well, I'm always game for a laugh, so we blasted past his fellow officers who were having a fag outside the local nick. He waved to them, they waved back, and then we returned to his car. I do love African justice. It’s so much more fun than the English system.

MARKETING PLOYS When did you last go shopping to Tesco, Asda or Sainsburys and see an item costing 99.9p? I mean, it's over 30 years since the half-penny was taken out of circulation, so how come petrol stations continue to display the price of a litre of fuel in fractions of a penny? If petrol retailers want to live in a magical world where we have a 'tenth of a penny' coin, then it's fine by me. However, I'd much rather they rounded down their prices to the nearest whole penny, or started giving out tiger's tails, free mugs or Green Shield stamps again, because I can relate to marketing ploys like that.

BEST FRIEND’S WIFE My best friend's wife and I were both devastated when he died in a car crash, but we helped each other through the darkest hours that followed.

In time, we fell in love, married and went on honeymoon to Barbados.

Sadly, that meant we missed his funeral, but we hear it went well.

EARTHLINGS & ALIENS Astronomers recently picked up signals from a civilisation many light years away from Earth. These aliens had studied Earth and concluded that although we have nuclear weapons, we are no threat to them, as we're pointing all the feckers at ourselves.

SERIOUS ACCIDENTS A recent report stated that 10% of all serious accidents are caused by drunk drivers, which surely means that 90% of all serious accidents must be caused by stone cold sober drivers? Now that is a cause for concern.

WHALES If swimming is so healthy for you, how come whales are so fat?

SMOKING If smoking is so detrimental to your health, how come it cures herring?

BETTER CALL SAUL Loving the second series of Better Call Saul, the spin-off from Breaking Bad. Laced with dark humour, action and intrigue, I just hope they don't make the mistake of Breaking Bad and carry it on when they run out of fresh plots.

SLOPPY JOE Now that I've sold my motorhome I've decided to explore the world on my motorbike instead. A couple of friends have offered to come with me, but I actually prefer to ride alone and meet up with people on my travels. This also means I can explore places off the beaten track at my own pace and, as I never make plans, I don't have any deadlines either.

I remember a few years back some of my biker friends went on a tour of Europe which ended in disaster for one of them. They all woke up one morning with raging diarrhoea after a dodgy meal in Hungary the previous evening and had to make frequent stops along the route to relieve the runs.

Sadly, on one such occasion, Joe was wearing one-piece leathers and didn't quite make it into the bushes in time. His nickname is now Sloppy Joe.

CRASH HELMETS Crash helmets can cost anything between £30 to £850. So, on the basis that you cannot put a price on safety, I chose a £30 lid, leaving me £820 to spend on alcohol and painkillers when next I come off.

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TELLING IT LIKE IT IS

URGENT DELIVERY Please leave my urgent delivery under the door mat.

Thanks.

Well thank feck for UPS, is all I can say!

And yet another cracking contribution from Austin Burrows who is threatening to fill up this edition almost single-handedly (see also page 5).

So what’s going on, ‘Oz’, for thee has never been so pro-active where The Edge is concerned afore, lad?

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Thank the good lord the likes of Mark Lawrenson and Alan ‘tenacity, grit, determination’ Hansen have been consigned to the has-been’s bin by the beeb’s MOTD team and Danny Murphy is now on-side to tell it like it is.

He’s a master of the droll delivery, yet with a sharp wit, and thankfully tends not to state the bleedin’ obvious.

In short, and he is very short, but with a lovely wife, it has to be said, he’s very interesting to listen to.

Shearer’s OK, but his choice of shirts and in particular his shirt collars are seriously beginning to irritate me (if I was as rich as him, I’d make damn sure I looked the nuts).

Greame Le Saux can bugger off too. I don’t give a stuff about his university education, because his chosen subject obviously wasn’t football punditry.

And don’t even get me started on Robbie (bloody) Savage

Footie pundit Danny Murphy

Page 11

The Edge 234_The Edge 172.qxd 3/23/2016 4:01 PM Page 12

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The hungry man’s MILF

Liaison was opened in Chelmsford back in October 2015 by Debbie Mark and Kevin Christou and it is something the likes of which not many of us will have seen, or even experienced before.

Kevin explained to The Edge, “I first saw the concept in Berlin about six years ago and it was weird because we stayed in there for quite a while, yet never once left our table to get a round in. And I’d been thinking about that ever since.”

Liaison is kind of, sort of, a self-service bar where everything is ordered at the table you’re sat at via an iPad. You even pour your own drinks from a tap (with 36 taps in total, Liaison is the largest bar of its kind in the UK).

“The guinea pig was Thirsty Bear in Blackfriars and it’s still going strong after five years,” Kevin explained to The Edge. “There’s also one inside Newcastle Airport and another on Tyneside called the Broken Bottle, and that’s it, apart from Liaison.”

How it works is this; you need a card. Either a tab card, which you exchange for your bank card + proof of ID (which is then kept behind the bar until you choose to leave and settle your bill) or a membership card which you can pre-load with cash in much the same way as you might an Oyster card or a pay-as-you-go mobile ’phone, and away you jolly well go. “We have already got 2,500 members,” says Kevin proudly.

Drinks available are plentiful and Liaison is clearly a fun place to be, particularly when there’s sport on all of their six screens throughout the venue (both downstairs and upstairs). There’s also some decent wine too (I noticed a Finca Flichman Malbec Reserve for just £18.50 and an Angelo Veglio Barolo for £32.50), plus prosecco, and champers, and shots, and schnapps, and a large range of cocktails each costing just £6 a pop.

But amazingly it’s Liaison’s food that is starting to attract. “We’re hardly Olio’s or the New London because we’re clearly not a restaurant,” insists Kevin. “However, for pub grub, I seriously don’t think Chelmsford can offer any better than what comes out of our kitchen.”

And if you like burgers, readers, then you’re seriously in for a treat as they start at just £6 for a classic burger, which is a homemade 8oz beefburger in a brioche bun served with salad, mayo and triple-cooked chips.

However, The Edge really does like the sound of the Build Your Own Burger where you can add the likes of bacon, halloumi and mozzarella, once again by simply using the touch-screen iPad on your table. “All of our mince comes from Spitalfields Market and we make up our burgers fresh on the premises,” insists Kevin.

So, a strange concept, perhaps. But by jove, it certainly appears to be working. What’s more, you can pre-book the upstairs, or the entire joint, for private parties. Liaison is open seven days a week.

Liason Bar & Grill 5-6 Tindal Street, Chelmsford, CM1 1ER. info@liaisonbarandgrill.co.uk www.liaisonbarandgrill.co.uk 01245 351955 Page 12

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Whoa...steady on!

You see photo’s like this and you think, ‘Oh, that’s nice’. It’s the father of the bride and all that. Proud as punch, he must be, as he’s giving his daughter away.

Only then you see the photograph (left) and realise you’ve got completely the wrong end of the stick because, well, he’s a dirty old man now, isn’t he just? Because that’s the conclusion most of us unfortunately automatically come to.

But then you look at the bride-to-be again and she looks happy enough, so you figure the old guy must be loaded and hasn’t got long to live.

So then you think it’s her who’s a sod and a bitch because she’s clearly a heartless gold-digger.

Only what if we’re all wrong and it really is her dad?

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Page 13

The Edge 234_The Edge 172.qxd 3/23/2016 4:01 PM Page 14

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Page 14

Have you ever seen anything as ridiculously irritating as the “I see you baby, chicken madras” advert on TV for Just Eat? Thing is, I’m honestly wondering whether the fact I actually remember who it’s for (for a right riveting change) mightn’t make it a decent advert after all, as half the time I‘m often familiar with ads, yet I haven’t a clue what company they’re supposedly promoting.

However, this one’s just so annoyingly nonsensical it‘s untrue.

Some lass is sat on the sofa in her cardigan when her numbnuts of a boyfriend gets home and asks her is she fancies (wait for it) a takeaway. Then cue metamorphosis and all hell breaks lose.

So what’s next up Just Eat’s sleeve, hmmmm?

Perhaps “Korma, korma, korma, korma korma chameleon?”

Or what about “Poppadom

Preach”?

Or maybe even “Wooooooooooah, everybody was Kung Po fighting, the delivery was fast as lightening.”

Or possibly: “Frrrrreeeeeee rice or nan bread” (to the tune of Free Nelson Mandela, naturally).

Apparently this current ad is the sequel to Just Eat’s Balti Rocks commercial, which The Edge doesn’t recall at all, but there’s seemingly no reason whatsoever for the woman (above) having a bit of a turn and turning into into some sort of deranged seventies go-go dancer, all because of the promise of a cheap take-away meal.

What on earth Just Eat were thinking is anyone’s guess.

Have I ever used the services of Just Eat to date?

No, I honestly haven’t.

So is this advert likely to make me change my mind?

No, it honestly isn’t.

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 234_The Edge 172.qxd 3/23/2016 4:01 PM Page 15

To stream, or not to stream?

So, the big question is, how do you listen to music these days, asks Darren Maynard of B&O. Are you the type of guy or girl that still likes the nostalgia of getting your hands on a physical CD, or are you the impatient type who doesn’t care and just wants it NOW, via download?

There’s no doubt that over the past few years, the way we listen to music has totally changed. It’s now far more about convenience than quality. But behold the new kid on the block: welcome to the big wide world of music streaming, people.

So it’s out with those queues in your local record shop, or carefully choosing which album or track to purchase on iTunes, in order to make way for the world of carefree listening.

Now you can let the likes of Spotify, Deezer or Apple (to name but a few) extract a tenner out of your bank account each month while you happily choose from the millions of tracks that they hold on their whizzy

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servers, and you can do this as much as your heart desires.

“Wow! Fantastic!” I hear you cry.

Well, there are certainly a few plus points. We’ve all done it, thought an album was going to be great, so forked out for it before realising that actually only 2 tracks were any good and the other 8 were pants. But with streaming, who cares? You can just move on to the next new album that perhaps you never even thought you’d ever listen to, and who knows, you might even find an absolute gem of a track, or two. There= are, of course, also those nights when you’ve had a few too many and on comes that nostalgic moment of playing your childhood or early teens classic tracks (or is that just me?).

And yes, Rick Astley is on there!

Or if you’re about to go off sunning yourself on your hols, you can also download music to play whilst you are ‘offline’ - your device will simply check every 30 days that you are still a subscriber.

So what are the disadvantages of this crazy new world of music? = Well, the bad news is that not every artist is available with every service, although generally speaking 95% of what you want to listen to will probably be there. Secondly, you never actually own the music, you just pay for the right to play it whenever you want, which could potentially leave you with a gaping hole in your music collection at some point if you ever cancel your membership. However, people in the know would say that streaming is definitely the future, but whether you choose to take this step to the dark side is entirely up to you.

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The Edge 234_The Edge 172.qxd 3/23/2016 6:20 PM Page 16

The number 1 home improvement for 2016?

MAXI Living is a home improvement specialist in the heart of Essex and their ethos is to deliver extra living or working space for property owners across the UK. Now fully focused on their largest growing market for contemporary garden rooms and eco-extensions, this is what MAXI Living have to say: “We design and construct tailor-made garden rooms (and many other home improvements) for clients looking to create extra living or working space, for their family and their business requirements. In this dramatically changing world, we are fully committed to using the latest technologies and materials to achieve the very best results and value for our customers.”

MAXI Living was formed from a synthesis of modern building expertise and formidable knowledge of the renewable energy sector. By combining these two areas, this unique company is now finding dynamic and green solutions for discerning UK property owners. Their installation team has over 25 years of industry experience and have made the natural evolution from extensions, loft and garage conversions, to the ever more popular concept of garden rooms where people are utilising their outdoor space.

Rcent research has shown that when property owners run out of space they are most likely to initially consider the more expensive options. They either look to replace their current property with a larger one at a greater cost, or they look to extend their property by obtaining planning permission, which usually involves wasting valuable time and added expense. MAXI Living offer all the conventional extensions and loft, garage or basement conversions. However, they have discovered that a client’s desire will often change once they become aware of their garden rooms that offer a sound structural and improved thermal quality along with endless design possibilities.

“Our contemporary designed MAXI Living Garden Rooms are exceptional due to their construction and adaptability. They are an exciting new concept in space utilisation and are now more energy efficient being constructed using ‘SIP's’ (Structural Insulated Panels). Garden Rooms allow you to take advantge by maximising your unused space, opening up your living area and harmonising indoor/outdoor life. You also have the option to create a spacious room that's completely separate from your main home building, or if you wish, locate it just a few steps away.”

Family customers are generally looking to do far more together outdoors, but are always restricted by the unpredictability of the British climate climate. This is where their porch style garden rooms with bi-fold doors offer shelter from the elements, yet at the same time offering the freedom of being outdoors. “We have found that most families want an aesthetically pleasing and multi-purpose room which can evolve with

Page 16

their changing needs. For example, a room may start off as a children’s play room, yet become a games room, a study, or even a music room or gym. Such rooms can often double as relaxing places to enjoy those peaceful summer garden BBQ’s too.”

MAXI Living have also seen a huge uptake in garden offices for people working from home, or who have recently started up their own business. Since 2008/9 they have seen many small business people cut back, downsizing their business needs. With ever increasing rental/lease costs, not to mention business rates and energy bills, astute business people are now turning to garden offices as a competitive solution.

As well as the traditional room for the office professional, some of their clients have even turned their newfound space into shops, hair & beauty salons, music studios and even kennels. “Our construction and design process has now been streamlined so that our garden rooms automatically meet planning policy 'permitted development'.

This means that in the vast majority of cases they do not require full planning permission up to a floor area 30 squared meters, which could save you having to move home for years, if at all. Some estate agents have even said that our quality garden rooms could add substantial value to homes, which is fantastic news, although what we can guarantee is that they will definitely add value to your lifestyle.” From a productive home office space to larger self-contained living accommodation, garden rooms provide flexible extra-space solutions to meet specific needs. As part of their bespoke design service each room can be individually customised. So, if you require the latest aluminum A+ bi-folding doors, cedral cladding zero maintenance exterior, wooden flooring, porch lighting, solar panelled roof, energy efficient heating system, or anything else for that matter, simply let MAXI Living know as they specialise in all those areas. In short, their installations can be as detailed as you like and are even good enough to live in!

Check out www.maxiliving.co.uk • We pride ourselves on excellent customer service • We cover the whole of the UK • We offer a 10 year guarantee • We include an independent insurance cover • We tailor every job to the requirements of our customers • We only use the finest materials • We offer a price match promise

The Edge 077 646 797 44

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The Edge 234_The Edge 172.qxd 3/23/2016 6:18 PM Page 19

RUBBER CHICKEN FACTORY

‘Batman’ banned from wards Did you read about the take-away boss who used to dress up as Batman (why?) and deliver free leftover pizza (not with teeth-marks in ’em, surely?) to nurses doing a nightshift, readers?

Trouble is, hospital bosses have now banned him from the wards (why?).

The chap was a chip shop owner who’d been treating hospital staff to his leftovers for the past decade, only now NHS bosses have put the mockers on his cunning little stunt, claiming he could disturb sleeping patients.

The Edge cannot stand nonsense such as this.

If the fella’s already been doing it for the past 10 years, then it’s highly unlikely he’s been disturbing anyone, and that’s a fact.

Can’t quite figure why he feels the need to dress up as Batman, but it’s a nice touch and one The Edge thinks bank managers ought to consider in Chelmsford High Street.

One thing this mag cannot stand is leftover anything (I was always taught to clear my plate when I was a nipper), so the geezer could seriously dress up as Gladys Knight and the Pips for all The Edge cares, as waste not, want not is what it’s all about (or most certainly should be).

So why don’t pizza company’s and their bosses start this trend up in our ickle city then?

Meanwhile, back at the Rubber Chicken Factory...

Just what is it about rubber chickens that makes us all want to have one sat on the rear parcelshelves of our cars instead of a hat or cushion?

Actually, we don’t, do we, because such a rubbery display of our innermost feelings would be considered far too UNBritish for most of us, as we’re always supposed to keep a stiff upper lip and not allow any such outward displays of emotional and rubbery dependency.

But to hell with all that, for The Edge has always felt that rubber chickens are absolutely ‘toppo’ and ‘must have’ accessories.

Just to be sitting watching David Dickinson with a hot, steamy mug of tea in one hand, whilst stroking a rubber chicken with the other, is such a decadent proposition that The Edge is surprised they cannot arrest us for it.

And did you know that in Ian Fleming’s original screenplay for Goldfinger, it was a rubber chicken that actually got ejected out of 007’s Aston Martin DB5, and not one of Auric’s laymen.

Of course, being on a rubber chicken production line cannot be much fun (the sheer mundaneness is depicted below), but hey, the sheer joy of taking your work home with you.

Civic Theatre, Friday 6th May Greame takes you on his own unique journey through the Seven Kingdoms. Unhappy with how his beloved books were released for the TV series, he has taken it upon himself to show you how it should have been done. He doesn’t quite have the same budget, or as many cast members, or the performance skill required, but he’s sure George would approve and that’s what really matters.

This show is a treat for fans and an introduction for the unenlightened, with nearly as many grisly deaths as there are characters, and some appropriately missing dragons.

With more subplots than anyone is likely to be able to follow, Greame of Thrones is a rollercoaster ride of beheadings, incest and war that is sure to be fun for all the family. So see it before the inevitable lawsuit...

Chelmsford City Theatres 19:45pm kick-off Friday 6th May Tickets: £19:00 Box Office: 01245 606505 www.chelmsford.gov.uk

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The Edge 234_The Edge 172.qxd 3/23/2016 6:40 PM Page 20

The all-new Kia Sportage available at Westdrive Kia, Braintree.

The fourth generation Kia Sportage, which benefits from major advances in fuel efficiency, comfort, connectivity, convenience and safety, is available to purchase at Westdrive Kia right now. With prices starting from £17,995 the all-new model is sure to prove as popular as its predecessors with motorists in the Chelmsford and Braintree area.

The brand new Kia Sportage comes in 18 variants and for the first time, GT-Line versions are available, adding an even sportier flourish to the range. The luxurious First Edition model, which is priced at £31,645 heads the line-up, whilst GT-Line models start at £24,350.

Paul Philpott, President and CEO of Kia Motors UK, says: “The third generation Sportage has sold over 90,000 models since its launch in 2010 and we hope to see the fourth generation being equally as popular. The car has some of the most advanced technologies available in a Kia which will surely appeal to our valued customers.”

All versions of the new Kia Sportage, except the entry-level grade, include a 7” or 8” touchscreen satellite navigation system linked to Kia Connected Services with TomTom®, providing full European mapping and detailed traffic, speed camera, weather and local services information, which are all handy features for motorists driving the streets of Essex. Further up the range, Speed Limit Information, Lane Keep Assist, High Beam Assist, Autonomous Emergency Braking and Blind Spot Detection with Rear Cross Traffic Alert are also available.

Page 20

As well as offering fantastic connectivity and innovative technology, the fourth generation Sportage benefits from a range of other features too.

Even grade ‘1’ models come with 16-inch alloy wheels, smart black cloth upholstery with a grey headlining, electrically adjustable door mirrors, a premium feel leather-trimmed steering wheel and gearshifter, plus all-round electric windows. The new model is also up to 7mpg more economical, with CO2 reductions of as much as 29g/km making it more cost efficient and environmentally friendly.

Peter Goodwin, Sales Manager of Westdrive Kia, says: ”We are elated to finally get the all-new Kia Sportage onto our forecourt and start talking to customers about the benefits of this brand new model. The Sportage’s funto-drive qualities have been honed to an even sharper degree in the new version through a combination of a much stiffer body shell, extensive suspension revisions and a new steering system. As a result, it is even more precise and stable on the UK's twisty country roads and far more comfortable and refined on highways and motorways too.”

• Fourth generation Kia Sportage available at Westdrive Kia from £17,995 • Includes new connectivity and advanced driver assistance features • All-New model now available for purchase

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 234_The Edge 172.qxd 3/23/2016 6:37 PM Page 21

BIGGEST LOSER Each year at work my team participate in a departmental ‘Biggest Loser’ competition to see who can shift the largest amount of weight following the excesses of Christmas and the New Year. The rules are simple: everyone has to weigh in on the first day back in January and three months later the individual with the biggest percentage weight loss is crowned the winner. It's £20 a pop and it’s winner takes all. The competition began well for me and I was starting to see results through a mixture of healthy eating and regular exercise, only then my newborn baby daughter arrived in mid-January and all of my further good intentions went right out the window. The mixture of sleepless nights, lack of time and a disrupted routine saw me ditch my healthy lifestyle in favour of chocolate digestive biscuits and take-aways.

When I returned to work, following a period of paternity leave, I was mocked by my colleagues for my (unnoticed but significant) weight gain. So I resigned myself to the fact that my chances of winning the competition were long gone.

I felt so down and disappointed by how I'd let myself go that I started to cut myself....a very large slice of cake indeed.

I got on the scales for my weekly weighin and was horrified to see that had ballooned to a gargantuan 17st 6lb. I was absolutely shocked at how fat I had become and vowed that I would fight the flab regardless of my final position in the competition. Now I am not usually one to fall into the trap of fad diets, but a girl at

work who had achieved remarkable results told me about a diet called the Egg & Grapefruit diet (http://blog.slimmingsolutions.com/all/the-1-week-dietthe-egg-diet/). The concept is simple: stick rigidly to a a strict seven day plan consisting mainly of eggs, grapefruit, salad and meat and do not drink anything other than herbal tea, coffee, water or grapefruit juice.

Apparently, and I have found absolutely no scientific or nutritional research to back this up, by following the plan exactly causes a chemical reaction to take place within the body that helps accelerate weight loss. Now I know that is a load of old shite, but having seen the results with my own eyes, I was willing to give it a go. Before I started I had a flick through the numerous messageboards on the subject online and the general consensus was that you could lose up to a stone in weight in just one week. Naturally I was sceptical about those claims and I approached the diet with a great deal of apprehension. In my mind, I figured that it was logical that if you severely restricted your calorie and fat intake then, of course, you would lose weight rapidly, albeit that the weight was likely to return as you soon as you started eating 'normally' again.

Undeterred, and in desperate need of a quick fix, I reasoned with myself that the diet could kickstart my new, healthier lifestyle and I could use it as a springboard for future healthy eating and regular exercise. I mean, I didn't exactly have a lot to lose, did I? Even if I only lost a few pounds it was surely better than losing nothing at all. So my mind was made

up, I was going to do it. Before I had a chance to change my mind my laptop was out and my food shopping for the week was ordered. I felt proud of myself and I was highly delighted at how little my weekly shop had cost. Until, of course, it arrived and I realised just how little I would be eating. However, by that time it was too late, so I resigned myself to the fact that I would see the plan through to its conclusion seven days later - even if it killed me.

Now I’m not going to lie, the first few days were tough. It felt as though my body was fighting against me and was screaming out for me to feed it some carbs, fat and sugar. But somehow (don’t ask me how) I managed to resist and I am so glad I did, as by day 3 I started to look and feel a whole lot better. I was losing weight, my skin looked healthy again and I had a lot more energy. Granted the food was bland, boring and repetitive, but in a strange way I enjoyed the structure and routine it brought to my day. In fact, without wanting to go all Gillian McKeith on you, it actually changed my mindset and relationship with food. Once my cravings for the bad stuff had gone, it dawned on me that the food we eat is for fuel and we really don't need to overindulge.

The rest of the week flew by and by the end of it I had almost forgotten that I was on a diet. I could tell that I had lost weight and was eager to return to work for my final weigh-in in my quest to become the Biggest Loser of 2016. With baited breath I slipped my shoes off and stepped tentatively onto the scales and was absolutely astounded and delighted

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to see I had lost an incredible 13lbs in just one week! Now I know, given my starting weight, that that is the equivalent of throwing a deck chair off the Titanic, but I was proud of myself nonetheless.

Sadly it was not enough to be crowned champion as, somehow, the office beanpole had lost 2st through starvation alone. (He lost so much weight that I reckon he had to run around in the shower to get wet).

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The Edge 234_The Edge 172.qxd 3/22/2016 7:26 PM Page 22

ONLY JOKING! HELGA'S CRUISE SHIP DIARY

DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship inc. all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets etc. Really, really excited. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers - decided on this ‘all-girls’ trip. It will be my very first and I simply can't wait.

DAY 2 Entire day spent at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today. Seems like a very nice man.

DAY 3 Spent all day at the pool. Did some shuffleboard, hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time.

He is very attractive and attentive.

DAY 4 Amazingly won £500 in the ship's casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his very own private cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DAY 5 Sunned myself around the pool again today in one of my new swimsuits. Got sunburned, so I went inside to drink at the Piano Bar. Ended up staying there for the rest of day. The Captain saw me and bought me several large G&T’s.

He really is quite charming. Asked me once again to visit him in his cabin, but once again, I declined. He told me that if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.

I was shocked, but flattered all the same.

DAY 6 Today I saved 2,600 lives.

Twice, as it happens.

FED UP I'm fed up with my wife moaning on at me about the size of my cock, so I got one of those suction things that makes it bigger.

Her name’s Chantelle, she's 23 and she comes from Basildon.

FEMINIST QUESTION Today, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian

relationships.

Apparently, "In HD" was not the right answer.

FAKING IT I woke up this morning and said to my wife, "Last night was amazing. Were you faking it?"

She said, "No, I really was fast asleep."

THE DENTIST A guy goes to the dentist to have a tooth extracted. The dentist immediately pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot in his gums.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient says.

So the dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide instead, only the man says, "I can't do the gas thing either. The thought of having a gas mask on simply suffocates me!”

So the dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a couple of pills.

"I'm fine with pills," he says.

So the dentist gives him a couple of pills which the guy calmly swallows.

"What are they?" asks the patient.

"Viagra," replies the dentist.

"Hell," panics the patient once again. "Since when has Viagra worked as a pain killer?"

"It doesn’t," admits the dentist. "But at least when I pull your tooth out it will give you something to hold on to."

LOOSE CHANGE The wife was counting out all of the 5p's and 10p's we keep in a pot onto our kitchen table, when suddenly she gets very angry indeed and starts shouting and swearing for no particular reason whatsoever. So I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

TRANSVESTITE A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

ROCKET I bought some of that 'rocket salad' in order to be healthy, but it went off before I could eat it.

TEDDY BEAR A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick-axe has been stolen. So the angry bear reports the theft to the foreman.

But the foreman just grins at the bear and sings, "Today's the day that teddy bears have their picks nicked."

KNITTING NEEDLE NUTTER Local police are hunting the 'Knitting Needle Nutter' who has stabbed six people in the bum during the past 48 hours. They believe the attacker could be following some sort of pattern.

POOR ICKLE BUDGIE My budgie broke its leg today, so I made it an ickle splint out of a couple of red-headed matches. Aw, its ickle face honestly lit up when it tried to walk as unfortunately I’d forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of its cage.

SALVATION ARMY I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful buggers.

All I said was, “Hurry up, for Christ's sake.... some of us have homes to go to.”

COUCH POTATO I was sitting on the sofa watching TV last night when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.

“What do you fancy for dinner, my love?” she

Are you using your car to its fullest potential? said. “Chicken, beef or lamb?”

So I called back, “Chicken, please.”

“You're having soup, you fat bastard” she cried.

“I was talking to the cat.”

THE GYM I unfortunately didn't make it to the gym today.

That makes five years in a row now.

VERN Vern works hard as a plumber, but spends two nights each week bowling, and he also plays golf every Saturday.

His wife figured he was pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she took him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greeted them and said, "Hey, Vern! How y’doin’?"

His wife was puzzled and asked her husband had he been to the strip club before.

"Certainly not," he said. "He's in my bowling league."

When they were seated, a waitress asked Vern if he'd like a pint of his usual.

By now his wife was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and said, "So how did she know you drink Budweiser?"

“She obviously recognises me from the golf club,” Vern reassured her. “She's a waitress there as well.”

Just then a buxom stripper came over, threw her arms around Vern, before rubbing herself all over him and whispering, “Let me know when you want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Well, Vern's wife was now furious, so she grabbed her purse and stormed off out of the place.

Vern immediately followed her a few paces behind and spotted her getting into a cab, so before she could slam the door, he jumped in beside her.

Vern tried desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife was having none of it and started screaming at him from the bottom of her lungs, calling him every four-letter-word in the book.

The cabbie chortled, turned around to face the pair and said, “Jeez, you’ve obviously picked a wrong un tonight, Vern!”

FEELINGS You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really, really like someone?

It's common sense leaving your body.

PLANS I don't like to plan too far ahead because then the word ‘premeditated’ can often get bandied around in the courtroom.

PLEA! The Edge is proper desperate for a load of new jokes, readers.

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 234_The Edge 172.qxd 3/23/2016 6:37 PM Page 23

the

EDGE

Health Tips

If you look back at what your editor confessed on page 5, readers, then perhaps you, like me, enjoy a ‘good old drink’ every now and then.

Well, every weekend, actually, as it goes.

But take note that our liver is directly responsible for dealing with and detoxifying all of that naughty alcohol, as well as filtering the blood that comes via the digestive tract, creating bile (which is sort of an internal gob) to break down fats, as well as producing proteins in order to help our blood clot on those rare occasions that it needs to.

The liver sure is a hard working organ alright. So what can us monkeys do to help it out somewhat apart from laying off the booze, which seriously isn’t an option?

Well, here’s a list of 10 nutritious

foods that we can all eat to help cleanse our liver.

1. Beetroot 2. Leafy Greens (the darker the better).

3. Lemons/Lime (which is why drinking gin & tonic is so very good for you).

4. Broccoli 5. Garlic 6. Onions 7. Sweet Potato 8. Lentils 9. Apples 10. Walnuts In short, remember that whatever you don’t eat enough of is generally good for you.

So next time you’re let loose on the lash, make sure you’ve got a decent stash of cooked beetroot in your pockets or handbag.

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Daniel Craig?

Watched Spectre again (the first time was at the cinema) and it confirmed what The Edge strongly suspected in that it simply has to be ‘the best Bond movie of all time’.

But how do you follow Spectre, now that its head honcho (Christoph Waltz as Blofeld) has been captured (I suppose escape is always a possibility, but such would surely be a ridiculous prospect)? And how, for that matter, is it ever going to be possible to follow the incredible performances of Daniel Craig, who without question has taken 007 to another level entirely?

The Edge saw a poll recently that suggested Thomas Hardy is the

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

man and much as this mag loves Tom, it’s a case of no, no, no, no.

I honestly think it needs to be someone as unexpected and potentially unsuited to the role as Craig initially was himself, yet who that person could be, Christ only knows as the current incumbent has such impeccable credentials (he apparently said to his personal trainer upon landing the role: “I want you to make me look like I could kill someone with my bare hands”). It’s almost impossible to imagine anyone bettering him.

Might this mag suggest that he will probably have to be a completely different type of Bond.

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The Edge 234_The Edge 172.qxd 3/22/2016 7:26 PM Page 24

EROTIC Fantasy

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Local chap James Perry gets sponsored £100 by Pete Townsend to run this years London Marathon None other than The Who’s guitarist Pete Townsend has agreed to sponsor Chelmsford’s James Perry in this years Virgin London Marathon on Sunday 24th April, folks.

James is running in aid of Breast Cancer Now in memory of both his Mum, Beryl (63) and his sister, Sharon (49).

“I’ll be running with my sister’s children, Millie and Ben, and her husband, Paul,” James informed The Edge. “Since 2011, when I first ran the London Marathon, we’ve managed to raise £66,000 and each year since then more and more of my family members and friends have joined me over the 26-mile course.

“Even Pete Townsend of The Who has sponsored me this year. I met him backstage at Wembley before one of their gigs last month.”

To sponsor James on his marathon run, please go to:Virginmoneygiving.com then put in Jim Perry in the ‘search for a friend’ box and Team Jackson Perry’s fundraising page will come up.

There is also a quiz night and raffle at KEGS on Friday 15th April, in aid of Breast Cancer Now. To book a table, please contact James directly at jperry@kegs.org.uk

With a history dating back more than five centuries, Channels Lodge has seen many changes, but none more rapid or far reaching than those that have taken place within the last decade. In that short space of time, a family residence, once a Tudor farmhouse, has been totally transformed into one of the leading hotels in the Chelmsford area, earning the English Tourist Board's Gold Award and the TripAdvisor Certificate of Excellence, amongst numerous other accolades.

The transition from home to hostelry, which began in December 2005, was carried out sympathetically and with great attention to detail so that when, four months later, the Lodge welcomed its very first guests, they found that while all of the original features had been preserved, every modern convenience had also been incorporated.

Since then a seven room air conditioned courtyard, together with a three bedroom cottage, have been added, together with all catering arrangements, which are shared with Channels Golf Club, being greatly enhanced. As a result, the bar and brasserie, which have been completely refurbished, today enjoy a very enviable reputation.

However, not content to rest on its laurels, Channels Lodge is soon to undergo further expansion when an adjacent Cart Lodge is to be converted to provide yet more four star accommodation in a venue which is finding favour with an ever increasing clientele.

Telephone: 01245 441547 info@channelslodge.co.uk Page 24

Monkey Fun Question: Do simians know what they’re doing?

Answer: The Edge most definitely thinks they do.

Oh yeah, they might include fungi and termites in their diet, but they know exactly what they’re up to, alright.

Orangutans are actually the largest tree-dwelling animals on Earth and despite an adult male reaching a weight of 140kg or even more, they spend over 90% of their time up in the treetops, whilst adult females spend even longer than that up in the canopy.

They are also the most sexually dimorphic of primates, whilst the most intense relationships are formed between mothers and their young as they nest together for approximately the first eight years of their lives.

Orangutans are gentle creatures who often sit for hours just gazing. They are also very smart and are good tool-users.....as demonstrated.

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 234_The Edge 172.qxd 3/24/2016 9:00 AM Page 25

It’s a remarkable thought to those of us of a certain age that so many of the tunes from our youth are well known by those in their teens and twenties today.

Wasn’t rock’n’roll supposed to be rebellious and only for the young? If so, how come old git’s music from the 60s, 70s and 80s is still so popular with those under 30?

The new generations have their own music, of course, and us old folks don’t understand it. Which is exactly how it should be. “Turn that bloody row off,” is not a sensible response when hearing the latest misogynist rapper’s boasting.

If it’s any good it will last and we will eventually catch up with the younger generation and get it. If it really is a bloody row, then it will disappear with the wind in a year or two. It’s easy to forget that the charts of 30, 40 and 50 years ago were filled with piles of crap.

It’s only the good stuff that has survived to be known by people whose mothers and fathers weren’t even alive when it was made.

There is a line in a Don McLean record from the 70s called American Pie that relates to ‘the day the music died’. At the time it came out there was a lot of discussion about the meaning of the somewhat obscure and cryptic lyrics of the whole song. It was generally thought that the reference to the day the music died was when Buddy Holly went down in a ’plane crash. Most of us nowadays would say that is being just a tad generous to Buddy Holly’s place in the pantheon of rock ‘n’ roll, but hey-ho, one person’s hero is another’s nobody.

Anyway, what’s all that got to do with life

CALIFORNIA DREAMIN’

by Steve Ward

THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED in San Diego? A reasonable question, it has to be said. Here’s the answer.

Out here in Southern California we have a plethora of radio stations to tune in to.

There are dozens and dozens of them.

However, there is a problem. That problem relates to what sort of programming the stations have. There are a number of ‘Top 40 Hits’ stations that are fine if you’re a teenager, but hold relatively little interest to the rest of us.

Then there are a lot of talk radio stations. Most of these cater to the lowest common denominator (Donald Trump supporters) and take great delight in stirring up the natives with a fiery brand of simplistic right wing politics.

There are a few specialist stations for

Jazz or Classical music lovers, as well as sports only broadcasters. Country music, in its various guises, is well represented too. And this being SoCal, there are also plenty of Spanish language broadcasters catering to the huge Mexican-American population.

There are the Classic Rock stations.

Lots of them. These seem to have a play list of about 100 songs that get repeated over and over again. Worse, each station has the same 100 songs.

No matter that it’s a good record, how many times a week does anyone with half a brain really want to hear the Eagles’ Take it Easy?

So, you’ll see that although there appears to be a heck of a lot of choice, in fact there is very little choice, if your

tastes are fairly general.

San Diego was, and note the use of the past tense, lucky in that it had a brilliant one-off local station called KPRI. This was a treasure because it played a very good mix of popular and unknown music from the past and present. It didn’t concentrate just on hit records. Along with numbers you knew well from the past there would often be album tracks from, say, the Rolling Stones, that only an aficionado would know. Mixed in with such fare was brand new music from established artists, as well as complete unknowns who have something that deserved a wider audience.

All in all, KPRI was a wonderful little jewel. But then the unthinkable happened and the station was sold. The format instantly changed from the eclectic and interesting mix we’d all got used to into purely religious music. Yes, it became a Christian Rock station.

Christian Rock? Are there two words, apart from ‘bus’ and ‘replacement’, more unsuited to be in the same phrase? It’s a complete hijacking of rock’n’roll’s principles and ethos to use the musical form for such a cause. Bastards.

So, with apologies to Don McClean and Buddy Holly, to us San Diegans, the real day the music died was when our beloved little station fell to the commercial clout of a bunch of God botherers.

It’s not all tea and crumpets out here, you know.

RIP KPRI.

You can contact Wardo at steveward2000@hotmail.com

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Page 25

The Edge 234_The Edge 172.qxd 3/23/2016 6:38 PM Page 26

SELFIE ADDICTS Last week my girlfriend and I spent an edifying hour in front of the TV watching a series of short programs entitled ‘Selfie Addicts’ which showcased vacuous morons whose entire lives seem to revolve around taking selfies and then posting them on-line so that other vacuous morons can live their own sad, vicarious lives through such ‘selfie-stars’.

I was gobsmacked, not so much at the self-obsessed buffoons parading around on my TV screen, but at just how many ‘followers’ these people had. They have literally thousands, sometimes tens of thousands of people eagerly awaiting the very next picture of their selfie-swami doing that God awful ‘duck face’ pose in some spangly neon bar or nightclub. Not only that, but some of these people are actually making a living out of it!

It’s not surprising that the person making a decent living out of it was admittedly a pretty girl with a rather large pair of norks (said jubblies having been paid for by one of her anonymous benefactors, I should add) as men paying to ogle women is nothing new. We’re not talking anything raunchy here though, just pics of her out and about, or posing in a dress or her gym gear.

Granted there was obviously some flesh on display, but nothing you couldn’t see for free at the gym or down any High Street on a Friday night.

But let’s be clear: These people aren’t doing anything special. In fact, they’re doing sweet bugger all. They’re simply getting dressed up and spannering about town, or going shopping, or sometimes not even that. Their basic approach to life appears to be: Eating some Ready Brek? Better take a selfie.

Having a shit? Better take a selfie.

Doing something that might constitute actually being useful? Sorry, too busy taking fecking selfies.

One of the most ridiculous aspects of the whole farce was how they seemingly had to change their appearance in order to look like themselves. Sounds stupid, doesn’t it? That’s because it is. They’d take a selfie and then spend a couple of hours touching it up in Photoshop and adding filters and what-not, before letting their adoring fans see them on Instagram or that Tweety thing or whatever. The upshot of this is, of course, that they didn’t really look like that in real life, so they started slapping on make-up or, in some cases, having plastic surgery, all so they could look like they did in their very own photos.

Fair enough, create an online persona or costumed alter-ego if you like, but essentially being your own Page 26

ME & MY adamantium skeleton

The Kingmeister reports alter-ego is ridiculous. Pretty much everyone does this to some degree, particularly on Facebook, which might as well be called ‘Lookhowbrilliantmylifeisbook’ as people only really post stuff that makes them look more interesting than they actually are. Actually, that’s not true. Some people seem to constantly post videos of fat people falling over and for my money they can carry on doing that as that shit is comedy gold. Whilst other people post the most mundane and banal drivel that they seemingly can, as though their every random thought was super inspired wisdom, or that everyone really gives a shit that the trains are late again, or that they’re having a sandwich.

Yes, you know who you bloody well are, so stop bloody doing it.

Nobody cares. Everyone who is your friend on Facebook has run out of fecks to give about your lunch, so do everyone a favour and keep it to yourself.

I’ve mentioned in a previous article about our obsession with image and everyone on this programme was obsessed with their own selfimage to the Nth degree, with one bloke saying that he’d been on a strict diet for years, could never drink and had to spend at least 3 hours a day at the gym so he could keep selfie-ready at all times. In my opinion (which we all agree is pretty much gospel), that’s not a life, that’s a bloody job and a totally boring one at that.

In case my view on this subject isn’t clear enough, let me be blunt: such people are idiots and of no use to man nor beast, and like true idiots they have no idea of how stupid they really are. When one of them started to lecture the camera on the importance of ‘living your own life’, ‘being fabulous’ and ‘not caring what anybody thinks of you’ I wanted to punch him in his fabu-

lous, deluded face, because he was a 20 year old bloke in hot pants with a stupid haircut who knew the square root of bugger all.

If you truly don’t care what anyone thinks about you, then you don’t spend hours upon hours each and every day posting selfies so that strangers can tell you how fabulous you are. In an infuriating way, it’s actually all very sad indeed. A running theme in their diatribes of drivel was that taking a selfie approximately every 7.3 seconds of their lives had given them a huge boost in self-confidence, which is utterly missing the point. The important word in self-confidence is ‘self’. It’s that innate belief in your own worth that comes from living your life, from struggling now and again and taking a few knocks, until you work out who you really are.

Self-confidence certainly isn’t derived from posting pictures of you looking good and relying solely on the approbation of strangers. In fact, it’s the complete bloody opposite. However, unfortunately it does seem that it’s becoming the general consensus that having a social media following is a desirable thing, so lots of people are spending hours a day updating Facebook and Instagram and then sitting and waiting for the little alert to pop up so they know people ‘like’ them.

So here’s a little tip, free of charge, from Uncle Kingpin: it’s not important in the slightest, so stop being such a chump and thinking it actually matters. Just got 50 ‘likes’ for a status update? Who cares?

Certainly not the people clicking the ‘like’ button. And trust me, they couldn’t really give a shit that you’re out stuffing your face in such-and-such a restaurant, or just about to watch a movie at the cinema. Think about it, would you randomly ’phone 20 of your friends to tell them you’d just had some toast and it was soooo good? No, you

wouldn’t, because they’d think you were a boring idiot, and they’d be right.

I think my problem with all this social media gimcrack tomfoolery is that it’s a fine line between making things easy and just being lazy.

Liking a post on Facebook doesn’t constitute being a friend to someone, but I think some people believe it does. Posting scathing tweets about social ills, governmental malfeasance or terrorism doesn’t mean you’re taking a courageous stand or changing any hearts and minds, but for some people typing 140 characters and hitting the ‘post’ is a mini-revolution.

But trust me, you idiots,when I say that ISIS aren’t checking their Twitter feeds and saying: “Pack up the Jihad, lads. We’ve had a few tweets and people aren’t happy with the whole shooting innocent people thing we’re doing.” There’s a good reason why ‘Slacktivism’ is now a word. I get the feeling that some people are actually posting a tweet or a status update and then thinking: “Right, that’s the war on terror sorted. Now time for lunch!”

If you want to be a friend to someone then get off your arse and be a real friend to them. We’re all so busy these days that time is precious and giving up that time for a friend is a gift. So if you want to change something, then get off your arse and start making changes. By all means use social media, but don’t think that it’s ever going to be enough on its own.

You want self-confidence and a sense of your own self-worth?

Then getting off your arse, being a real friend and making an effort to actually do something worthwhile is a hell of a good first step. Trust me, you’ll feel much better doing that than you will pulling a stupid duckface, slapping a sepia filter on it, and then twiddling your thumbs waiting for idiots to ‘like’ you.

Driving to work selfie, complete with duck-face pout. On second thought, nah. After all, what’s the bloody point?

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 234_The Edge 172.qxd 3/23/2016 6:38 PM Page 27

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Tim/Longshanks, Daniel, Richard and I recently spent a week in the French skiing resort of Serre Chevalier, after having made the 750 mile drive to the French mountain town of Briançon at an average middle-aged poodle of around 60mph. The trip included a saunter through the 8 mile FrĂŠjus tunnel and perilous mountain roads navigated by chauffeur Shanks in his tan leather driving-gloves. The mighty LandRover managed a respectable 25.3mpg fully loaded with essential supplies for the duration of our trip (mainly beer and fluffy pink hand-towels). The journey, including the Euro Tunnel, took around 15 hours throughout, which I, young Craig /‘Sleeping Beauty’, somehow managed to sleep throughout.

We stayed in a modern apartment in the equally sleepy town of Briançon, which was within walking distance of the nearest ski-lift and gave us access to over 150 miles of slopes in which to perfect our downhill abilities. There was plenty of fresh powder and glorious sunshine for afternoon beers whilst our evenings were spent drinking plenty of sherry and scoffing fondue and diced fagots, attired in false wigs and just our shreddies.

Despite a few hilarious crashes, our group were able to avoid any lifethreatening injuries, with the exception of the most senior member of our troop who suffered a ‘groin strain’ whilst getting out of bed one morning.

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The Edge 234_The Edge 172.qxd 3/23/2016 6:38 PM Page 28

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GIDDEE UP, GEL! LADIES ON TOUR No readers, The Edge doesn’t know what’s going on here either, although one thing’s for certain....alcohol has more than likely been consumed.

It’s great though, isn’t it, because this doesn’t look as though it was planned (it’s hardly Riverdance after all). It just looks like high spirits and everyone letting their hair down a bit, and seriously, whatever can be wrong with that?

26 Broomfield Road, Chelmsford, Essex CM1 1SW

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INTERESTING ONE This looks like some sort of kiddie’s educational session of some description, only The Edge cannot possibly imagine what it might be teaching them. It’s certainly a pretty powerful hose and a waterpistol can proper smart if you catch it in the face all wrong, so Christ only knows what this felt like.

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The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 234_The Edge 172.qxd 3/23/2016 6:39 PM Page 29

MOTCO

Man on the Clapham Omnibus THE MONDAY LIE

We all tell them. Small fibs. Little white lies. Even big whopping porkies (the best type) upon occasion, with the emphasis being on the bigger the better and usually so outrageous and unfeasible that the person on the receiving end has to give you the benefit of the doubt. Then, in a class of their own, are parent’s lies. When you are growing up there is a turning point when it starts to dawn on you that there is some lying going on. As one comes of age you vow that you will never do that to your own children.

Wrong! For there you are, facing your little cherub two minutes after you have reversed over the cat and you are faced with but two choices. Truth or lie. You instinctively know full well that you are going to lie and your journey to fully qualified parenthood has just been completed. Only that’s just the beginning of becoming ever more economic with the (beautiful) truth and as a fully paid up parent the lies come naturally thereafter. But the degree of lying and severity changes from person to person and some are more pious than others. Yet in the work environment, there is one lie that everybody participates in and it is called the Monday lie. Of course, when I was told that the Tooth Fairy was not real, I really knew my mum was lying. Especially when next she tried to tell me that tweeds were not small elusive furry animals, but manmade. I mean, who would believe that?

As part of the Monday morning ritual in workplaces across the country, coffee machine small talk regularly takes place. Main topic: how was your weekend? This is where an almost genetic compulsion to lie kicks in. For some reason it appears to be a mortal sin to tell the truth on this one. Even admitting to liking Piers Morgan, or to being a banker, is more acceptable than taking a deep breath and muttering, “Shite, actually. Glad to be back at work.” Such a response without further elaboration would probably be enough to stop the enquirer dead in their tracks. But no, we do the polite workplace thing and do not say, “Spent all weekend arguing with the other half, slept in the spare room, emailed Piers Morgan for advice.” Instead we say things like, “Yeah, not bad.” Interpretation: ‘I have no friends and lay in bed watching re-runs of Star Trek all weekend long.’ We also say things like, “Oh, we met up with a few friends in the country and had a picnic and a few drinks.” Interpretation: ‘We are aging ravers who meet with other idiots who haven’t yet grown up in a field with an old style boom-box. The picnic was actually magic mushrooms and we drank 5 litres of White

Lightening park bench style.’

Next answer: “We had a few friends over and looked at some old photographs together.”

Interpretation: ‘Actually, we are swingers, despite looking like Captain Mainwaring and the big lass off The Chase. We had friends over to look at past pictures from when Mavis appeared in the 1985 edition of Interesting Caravans magazine in our new ‘Traffic Jammer Special’. Then we chased each other Benny Hill style around the garden in our best tweed scanties.’

Then again, we could just say, “Oh, I didn’t really do much. Quiet one, really.” To which somebody will offer consoling words such as, “Quite often they are the best type.” Whereas in truth, I might have done any one of the things I’ve mentioned, but who’s going to believe me? Whatever one says that might be even slightly out of the norm is bound to receive a titter and the response, “You’re such a bushitter, Mott”, before they walk off.

Thing is, we honestly don’t have to lie about our weekends. I quote from the Daily Telegraph: “In proof that weekends are good for you, researchers have found that people of all occupations, from labourers to lawyers, feel better on Saturdays and Sundays than during the week.” Also from the same piece: “The analysis also found that people feel more competent during the weekend than they do during their day-to-day jobs, focusing on activities they feel they do well.” Clearly that’s because it is for us and not for some faceless corporation. Thank god for official studies into the bleedin’ obvious.

The whole world knows what we’re like with our Monday lies. Check it out; there are thousands of web pages and videos on ‘How to talk about the weekend in English’.

Yours aye, Motty.

Intense Records, under the arches along Viaduct Road next to the bus station, are Chelmsford’s only remaining independent record shop and yet again will be taking part in National Record Store Day to be held on Saturday 16th April 2016.

Record Store Day, now in its nineth year, is the one day that all of the independently owned record stores come together with artists to celebrate the art of music. Special vinyl releases are made exclusively for the day and hundreds of artists perform at record stores right the way across the globe.

As Record Store Day is fast approaching, this year’s list of exclusive releases has been revealed, including releases from Bastille, Birdy, Hozier, Justin Bieber, Sia and Florence & The Machine for the younger generation, whilst Elvis Presley, Jimi Hendrix and The Doors help to rekindle the love of long-time vinyl aficionados. Fans of the late and great David Bowie will be getting in line early to secure copies of his 2 re-issues. The first is an LP picture disc of the 1970s album ‘The Man Who Sold The World’, whilst the second honours the 40th anniversary of his album ‘Station to Station’ with a 7” picture disc.

Steve Coogan’s most loved character Alan Partridge will also make his debut on vinyl, immortalised on a picture disc bearing his face. Just some of the many Indie/Rock releases include The Libertine’s, The Foals and Ocean Colour Scene.

Dance fans have some special treats from Chase & Status and J Kenzo, whilst two dance classics get the repress treatment; the seminal ‘Pacific’ by 808 State and the Accelerator LP by Future Sound of London.

Hip Hop heads are always spoilt with a huge selection of releases to choose from, and this year is no different with a great selection of exclusive pieces of plastic from Outkast, J Dilla, Eminem, Pete Rock and The Notorious B.I.G. To view the full list of releases check www.recordstoreday.co.uk. If you want to make sure Intense are stocking items on your wish list, email info@intenserecords.co.uk or call 01245 347372 now.

Intense Records will be holding a special in-store day for Record Store Day, open from 9am-6pm, with live Djs, special guest appearances and local artists performing, plus competitions, free giveaways and more. ‘The Smoking Bun’ food shack have also been invited to supply some mouth-watering smoked meat treats and in the morning they will be serving the eager record collectors in the inevitable queue with tea, coffee and bacon sarnies as they wait to get in to the treasure trove of vinyl gems.

Jon from Intense says, “Last year was our busiest day ever. There were over 100 people waiting for us to open our doors and it turned out to be an amazing day and shows the true dedication of the record buying public and further cements the fact that vinyl sales are on the up. What’s more, it’s not looking like it’s stopping anytime soon, so it’s a great time for record shops at the moment. With a host of special guest lined up for the day, we can’t wait to announce them, but for now we can reveal that Danny Bounce from The Dig Over will kick us off by performing an early morning RSD warm up set.” www.intenserecords.co.uk shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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TOTALLY TRACIE Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?

Does a week ever go by when some new word doesn’t enter our vocabulary? This week alone I’ve been asked if I ‘Stan’ anyone? Which roughly translates to: ‘Do I follow anyone in the public eye’ - ‘stanning.’ When I replied, “I hardly have time to follow my own shadow, let alone Stan,” the woman looked at me as if I was mad.

“On Instagram, silly,” she replied. As if following people on a phone screen was any more normal?

‘Shamazing’, ‘Blooking’ and ‘Hunty’ are all words I’ve been ‘hit’ with this month.

Sometimes I feel like I’m in another world entirely. Oh, and not forgetting the new craze of adding the word ‘boots’ to the end of every sentence. “My day was great boots, thanks.” Apparently the adding of the word ‘boots’ emphasises the greatness of the sentence. As if. But never let it be said that I don't move with the times.

However, there are some words that are simply not cool and should never be written or spoken, ever. Take, for instance, the word ‘panties’. Even typing it makes me cringe. I have read, this week, no less than three court reports where the word ‘panties’ was used.

“Your Honour, he asked me to take off my panties.”

“He stole my panties.”

“He asked me what colour panties I was wearing.”

Who are these men who use the word ‘panties’? Surely the moment a man asks you to show him your ‘panties’ is the moment any sane girl ought to run screaming for the hills and block him from every social media account they have, not agree to meet up. Certainly no self respecting man would ever use the word ‘panties’, but if he did, you have no further business being with him, it really is that simple.

You can tell instantly that some men are going to be awful by the words they use.

I once had a man say he found me ‘juicy’ and he wanted to ‘devour and savour’ me and was looking forward to meeting up that evening for dinner. I swear no-one developed ‘a rare and contagious disease’ quicker than me that night. Yuck. It conjured up thoughts of dating Hannibal Lecter and put me right off meeting him, even if I did have to forfeit a nice meal out.

There are other words that ought to be ditched too, such as ‘crutch’. I hate that

word since it was the cause of me being thrown out of my Catholic girls school. I could not stop laughing hysterically every time the Sewing Teacher said, “Make sure you baste the crutch well, girls.”

And what about ‘moist’ and ‘dangle’? Did anyone ever use those words in a sentence and not make the other person’s face turn sour? Just the mere mention of them make me want to throw up.

More words that I would like to see banished are ‘fondle’ and ‘bosoms’ in that order. It conjours up distant memories of me sneaking looks at my mates brother's 70s porno stash - both words being prominent on the front cover. I hate both those words. Who ever got pleasure out of saying, “Let me fondle your bosoms?”

So to my mind, before we allow any more of these ‘urban words’ to creep into the English Dictionary, we ought to have a word count so that a word can only go in when another one gets thrown out, starting with bloody ‘panties’.

What you think about I sat next to a girl last week who had spent the last 10 years trying to attract a man. Yep, you heard me right - 10 years.

I was intrigued. She’s travelled all over the USA to meet Esther Hicks and follow their teachings; she’s been to Australia to meet Rhonda Byrne and indulge in her ‘secret programme’, and out to India to be hugged by ‘Mumma Gee’. Yet so far she is still single and the elusive man has failed to materialise. Oh, and did I mention that she’s now flat broke despite attending the ‘Think & Grow Rich Programme’? But hey, hats off to her. She had a dream and wouldn't be swayed from it and I admire anyone who tries. I didn't like to ask her if she had thought of going out to more to bars at the weekend? It certainly works for me. Although after travelling the globe and being kissed and hugged by such deities, I guess it would seem a bit weird meeting a man in Baroosh in Chelmsford, wouldn’t it?

I am all for positive thinking though. Well, I have to be. I truly believe in ‘what you think about you bring about’, but there comes a point when you have to sit down and have a long hard chat with yourself and work out a plan of action for the future. Sure, it’s good to dream and think big, but just thinking and dreaming about it won't manifest it out of thin air. If that were true, surely all the men out there would be well endowed and be with big breasted leggy blondes who drive around in Ferrari’s...and I would be a Victoria's Secret model.

I had a dream when I was a small child (my family used to laugh at me) and it’s quite spooky because I have achieved it all. What’s more, I never once believed that I would not do it. Of course, some could argue that the good fairies and the angels in the universe brought such abundance of goodness to me because I manifested it to me. But I would like to think I made my own luck and opportunities by sheer hard work and by never standing still - plus having lots of good friends. I never let a friend go out of my life, ever. I do believe that being in the right frame of mind is the key and that dreaming big certainly helps. So if you catch me talking to you in a coffee shop or at a train station, don't run away in fear - I’m just ‘out there’ and making things happen. Oh, and busy looking for a man for my friend as well, as it goes!

Tracie123@aol.com

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