The Edge 165:The Edge 165.qxd
24/06/2010
ONLY JOKING! How Cool Is That?
I met a 14-year-old girl in an internet chat-room. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested meeting up. Turns out she was an undercover detective. How cool is that....at her age?
The Threat
An infamous stud delighted in sharing his list of conquests with his buddies at the bar, only tonight he looked distinctly worried. The bartender asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared," the stud replied. "Some husband wrote me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop screwing his wife." "So stop," said the bartender. "How can I?" asked the womaniser. "He never signed the letter."
Little Johnny
The Maths teacher asked Little Johnny, "If you have £50 and you give £10 to Mary, £10 to Sally, and £10 to Susan, what would you have?" Evidently, ‘a bit of an orgy on my hands’ was not the right answer.
Fishing Rod
A woman goes into Harrod’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs any and goes over to the counter to pay. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing a pair of dark glasses. "Excuse me,” she says, “can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind. But if you drop it onto the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it, just by the
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sound it makes." Shocked, the lady doesn't believe him, but drops the fishing rod on the counter anyway. The salesman says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all round combination and it's on sale this week only for £75." The lady says, "Wow! It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it." As she opens her purse, her credit card accidentally drops on the floor. Almost immediately, the salesman says, "That sounds like a Visa card to me, madam. That’ll do nicely.” As she bends down to pick up her card, she then accidentally farts. Naturally she is highly embarrassed, but chooses to say nothing, hoping that the salesman might be a little deaf as well as blind. Meanwhile, the assistant is busy ringing up the sale and says, "That'll be £89.50 please." “What?” The woman is totally confused and asks, "Didn't you just tell me it was on sale for £75? So how did you get to £89.50?" The salesman replied, "The rod and the reel are indeed £75, madam. But the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait an extra £3.50."
Stray Parrot
I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All it says is, “Good morning, you ugly bastard?” It's not yours, is it....by any chance?
Black & Blue
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. Doctor: "Whatever happened to you?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband next comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it around your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is fast asleep." Two weeks later, the woman returns to see the doctor looking absolutely radiant. Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea of yours. Nowadays, every time my husband comes home drunk, I simply swish sweet tea around my mouthy until he falls asleep and he no longer lays a finger on me. You are a genius. Thank you so much.” Doctor: "Well, that really is good news. You see, I had a hunch that if only you could keep your mouth shut, the problem would sort itself out."
Sick To Death
I am sick to death of people knocking on my door asking for donations. Why, just this minute I've had some woman round from the sperm bank. I give her a right mouthful, I tell you.
Frank & Mildred
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. But one day, she made the mistake of accusing Frank (who looked a bit like Clint Eastwood does now), a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
Mildred emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing his truck parked there would naturally draw their own conclusions. Frank (like Clint) was a man of few words. In fact, he just stared at Mildred before turning his back on her and walking out. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing and went. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup out front of Mildred's house and left it there all night.
Thirteen
I was walking past a mental hospital the other day when all I could hear were the patients shouting, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!” out in the garden. The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap between the planks, so I thought I’d take a look through to see what was going on. That was when some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting, “Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!”
Little Johnny (Again)
A grade three teacher was giving a lesson on nutrition when she decided to ask her students what they had had for breakfast. To add in a clever spelling component, she asked the students to spell their answers. Susan put up her hand first and said she had had an “E-G-G”. “Very good, Susan,” said the teacher. Peter then put his hand up and announced that he had had “T-O-A-S-T”. “Excellent, Peter,” said the teacher. Little Johnny then put his hand up and blurted, “I had F-U-C-K A-L-L for breakfast this morning and I’m absolutely starving.” Well, the teacher was mortified and scolded Johnny for his rude and inappropriate answer. Later that day, the same teacher was giving her class a lesson in geography and asked her students some rudimentary questions. Once again, class favourites Susan correctly identified the capital of Canada, whilst Peter was able to tell her which ocean was off Canada's east coast. But when it comes to Little Johnny's turn, she remembered his rude answer from earlier on that day and decided to give him a very difficult question indeed to answer. “Johnny,” she said, “where is the Pakistani border?” Little Johnny pondered this question for a moment before finally answering, “The Pakistani boarder is probably still in bed with my mother, which is why I got F-U-C-K A-L-L for breakfast this morning in the first place.”
Paddy & Mick
Paddy and Mick went to London to donate some sperm, but it was a complete disaster. Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus.
Easyjet
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks, “How many people will be flying with you?” Paddy gets cross and replies, “How the hell should I know, it’s your f ing ’plane.”
*** Swapping
Two Irish couples decide to swap partners for the night. After three hours of the most amazing sex, Paddy says to Mick, “I wonder how the girls are getting on?”
All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk