The Edge Magazine September 2016

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EDGE

the ISSUE NO: 239

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

SEPTEMBER 2016

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results. Model shown: All-New Kia Niro ‘First Edition’ 1.6 GDi 1.56kWh lithium-ion 139bhp 6-speed auto DCT at £26,995. All-New Kia range available from £18,000.

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The Edge 239_The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2016 18:17 Page 3

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The Edge 239_The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2016 18:17 Page 4

The Edge Editor’s Column PRIME SUSPECTS Sometimes things you witness beggar belief and three separate incidents I’d like to share with you all happened at Sainsburys.

First off, you know how narrow supermarket carparking spaces are. Well, the proud owner of a pristine, gleaming, black Bentley decided to take his chances in one of them, only for some woman in a red SLK Mercedes to swing in right next to him and proceed to plough her o/s front bumper down both of the Bentley’s o/s front and rear doors. Now the thing of it is, there was red paint residue on both of the Bentley’s doors, only the woman clearly didn’t have a clue what she’d done, so she simply locked up her car and went about doing her shopping.

Three workmen in a van apparently saw the whole scenario pan out, so brought it to the Bentley owner’s attention, as he was unaware and had been pacing up and down a short way away on his mobile ’phone, apparently waiting to meet his daughter in said car-park.

I don’t know the outcome, but I do know the Bentley owner called the local plods and I only hope the female driver concerned received her just desserts.

Then there’s the case of young Oscar breathing onto the glass where the fresh cakes are housed (next to the scrummy smelling fresh bread) and then writing his name in the mist, not once, but twice, while his mother didn’t bat a flaming eyelid. My god, woman, teach your offspring some manners before it’s too late.

And finally, you know as you approach Sainsburys, with their filling-station is on your right, you then reach a mini-roundabout? Well, if you turn left, there’s a zebra-crossing, where some Charlie parked up but three metres further on after spotting his wife waddling over the grass with he shopping to the vehicle, rather than do the polite thing and park in the car-park.

You cretinous lazy git, sir. You were lucky one of the travelling fraternity wasn’t behind you in one of their vans as I reckon you would have got a right pasting, rather than merely some odd stares for being so damned self-centred, lazy and ignorant.

ANNOYING Why is it that I can comfortably tuck into a packet of Maltesers (and I do find them comforting), only if I happen to find one in my mouth from a mysterious bag of Revels (and there are usually at least half-a-dozen of the buggers) then I am always somewhat disappointed?

NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE So I was sat on the small harbour wall at Swanage on the most beautifully sunny Sunday you could ever imagine, when I happened to look down onto the beach below at the precise moment a father-of-two was busy excavating his nose with the finger beside the thumb of his

right hand. I can only describe that which he successfully managed to extract was somewhat akin to a cornet (you know when you ask the ice-cream man for a cornet, he gives you something crispy on the bottom and soft on the top, right?). The fella then examined it, as though it were a rough diamond, before putting it into his mouth and swallowing.

Now if you are feeling sick at the very thought, imagine how I felt, as I’d been enjoying some cheese and crackers with some nice chilled white wine up until that precise moment.

Thoughts of John McCririck and inquisitive schoolboys were racing through my mind (not together though) as I tried not to gag, although to this day, the image is unfortunately still as fresh and stark as though it were yesterday.

Why? Why ever do people do such things, when there is absolutely zero nutritional value?

JUDGE PATRICIA LYNCH Judge Patricia Lynch...The Edge salutes you.

PYONGYANG BEER FESTIVAL Revelers apparently got plastered at Pyongyang’s first ever beer festival in North Korea. Locals and tourists alike got proper stuck in at the event designed to promote local brews and the state-run Taedonggang beer, which just trips off the tongue, doesn’t it just?

TEMPTING HEDGEHOGS Tempt hedgehogs into your garden by building them a home, perhaps using an upturned wooden pallet or crate, suitably fitted with a 4 inch wide entrance and a bit of tiny double-glazing.

And leave a bowl of water on doorstep.

THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 239_The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2016 18:17 Page 5

The boys on the bridge

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This would be my son Toby and his mate Alex, who regularly busk in Chelmsford, Brentwood and surrounding areas, to make a little extra cash. They both live in Chelmsford and are studying music at 6th form and college.

Regards, Niki Lee. The Edge loves it when this sort of feedback occurs. So here’s a bit more about the boys...

We are Toby and Alex, two young aspiring musicians. Some of you may have seen us busking on the stone bridge recently and we hope you are enjoying our music. Our goal is to make what we do interesting to not just other musicians, but also the general public. Our aim is to lighten up High Street’s all over Essex by sharing our talent. Other than busking, we enjoy playing at various types of functions charging a subsidised rate of £60 per hour. We love playing and sharing our take on a variety of styles ranging from 1920’s jazz to modern pop and funk. If you have any enquiries or would simply like a chat, please contact us on 07540001912 or email tobylee307@gmail.com So now you know, readers.

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The Edge 239_The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2016 18:29 Page 6

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They we okay though. Other than the fact that one of them lifted its tail and did shit in the water but a few feet away from where a couple of kids had been previously enjoying a bit of a paddle.

What a nightmare getting there though. The A12 was chocca, nose-to-tail, so we got off at Witham and I figured I’d go Braintree way, then along the A120 and rejoin the A12 at Marks Tey. But just as an exercise, I got the missus to type in ‘Dedham, Suffolk’ into the Edgemobile’s SatNav system (which I don’t use very often) and do you know what? The damn thing told me to do a U-turn every frickin’ mile of the way, even when we’d turned off the A12 for Stratford St. Mary/Dedham. I ask you, what bloody good is that if you were really in a spot of bother and were 100% relying on it? Call me old fashioned and a bit of an old fart, but give we a road map with pages you can turn any day of the week.

Dedham’s a pretty little place to have a picnic and a bit of a mooch about. Sadly, what with my arthritic shoulder, I wasn’t confident enough to take the missus out for a row in a boat, so we’ll save that ’til next time when we go there with Cruella de Vil and Lester Piggott (don’t you have pet names for your close friends, readers, that they may, or may not, necessarily know about?).

Lester can give me a few lessons, as I simply don’t imagine my left arm will know what my right arm is doing. However, I did overhear a few folk muttering about the fact that if you return your boat even a minute late, you’ll get charged for a whole extra hour’s rental.

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The Edge 239_The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2016 18:31 Page 7

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The Edge 239_The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2016 18:52 Page 8

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Page 8

385.7&9.43 “It was the +47 best9-*of .9.?*3it(41:23 times, was the(&3 worst (42* .3 2&3> of times, it was<&>8 the age &3) >4: 3**) 94 +.3) of wisdom, it was the .9 <-*7*;*7 >4: (&3 "4 age of foolishness.”

9-.8 What*3) better.9.?*3 way -&8 to 94 (43+*88 9-&9with 9-.8this begin than 2439-D8 5.*(* from 4<*8 .98 famous quote 47.,.3 94 Dickens’ & ;.8.9 94 novel 9-* Charles :7.3&18 ‘A Tale .3 of 9-* Two$*89 Cities’ !9&3) where &9 the58<.(action "4<3 moves 449'&11 1:' between London and 4< '*+47* 7*&)*78 )7&< (43(1:8.438 9-48* Paris - something that we 9-*.7 may 4<3 not be able to do quite <-4 &99*3) 854798of;*3:* 034< 9-&9 9-* ,*398 so easily in &3> a couple years’<.11 time?

144D8 &9 wants +449'&11to(1:'8 (4:39> (7.(0*9 ,74:3)8 &3)com9-* Citizen comment (somewhat belatedly 1.0* +*79.1* 9*77.947> +47 &);*79.8*78 9&7,*9*) 574 pared&7* with its fellow Edge columnists) <.9on the decision 249.438 &:).*3(* 94 85*&0 <-451.9% (&3349 taken by94UK& (&59.;* voters, by a narrow84margin of just +&.1 94 8** in 9-*June’s 8:'91*referendum &3) 349 84to8:'91* @ 2*88&,*8 to 48.1%, distance ourselves ).851&>*) &9 *>* 1*;*1 <-.1* 9-*> &'4:9 9-*.7 ':8.peofrom our nearest neighbours, at a,4time when many 3*88 ple in the world believe that a closer show of solidarity 425:9*7 (&7 14&38 &3) ':),*9 +1.,-98 8**2 may be the,&2*8 wiser course of action.

545:1&7 &9 +449'&11 2&9(-*8 <-.1* <.9-with .98 81.,-9 Can Citizen say from the onset that(7.(0*9 it agrees every 1> 41)*7 )*24,7&5-.( +*&9:7*8 (&7* word Steve Ward wrote4+9*3 in the August57.;&9* issues-*&19and only &3) )*8(7.59.;* 8>259428 4+ :7.3&7> 574'1*28 & <&> wishes it had written such an eloquent ‘from the&8heart’ 4+ (-**7.3, piece itself. :5 +&38 .3 9-*.7 242*39 4+ 3**) :9 9-* would 574249.43 85499*) '> it.9.?*3 -&;.3, Citizen also 7*(*391> like to point out that has no time ):1> 6:*:*) +47 .98clowns 9:73 &9in-&1+ <&8still (4251*9*1> for the unelected the9.2* EU, but thinks we are better 9served change things from':9 the5*7 ).++*7*39 <&8 +47trying & 9&=.to&55 )4<314&)&'1* inside349 to prevent the dreadful Junkers -&58 &9 9-&9 *=&(9 242*39Jean-Claude .3 9.2* .3 '49&3 and his kind&3) from 3)74.) developing any more .":3*8 472&9 3) 349federalist /:89 &3> delusions 9&=. &55 of grandeur. ':9 & '1&(0 (&' 9&=. &55 9-&9 .22*).&9*1> 897:(0 .9.?*3 Steve’s piece actually one of the best8**3 articles &8 9-* +.789 97:1>was 548.9.;* +.,-9 '&(0 .9 -&) '> 9-* Citizen has read on the whole'7.,&)* Brexit subject.

It was 97&).9.43&1 &(03*> &77.&,* &,&.389 9-* ,74< personalised but applicable to almost .3, 57*8*3(* to 4+ Chelmsford, #'*7 anywhere that gave 4< .+ .9.?*3 <-4 Brexit -&8 & their 57.39 vote.

2*).& &3) &);*79.8.3, Talking of those that voted why? '&(0,74:3) -&8other &3> places 7*8*7;&9.438 &'4:9out, ,*398 1&;&947> Wales&3) - recipients of more EU 944 grants than almost any &)8 5488.'1> 1&).*8 43*8 &19-4:,+47 4';.4:8 other region of the UK.3- &“Well let’s 94 vote to end 9-*8* all that 7*&8438 .9D8 349 '**3 548.9.43 7*8*&7(then, .9D8 9-&9shall 9-*>we, )4Dai?” 9*3) 94 (7&2 +&7 944 2:(- (45> .394 9-* Sunderland, voting partly on the issue3:2'*78 of immigration 9*=9 &3) 9-* (425&3> 3&2*8 5-43* &3) presumably so overrun by east that there <*'8.9* )*9&.18 &7* 4';.4:81> 349Europeans *&8.1> 2*247&'1* isn’t even14(&9.438 a single.9Polish grocer. But there94is,:8* perhaps, 3 49-*7 .8 4+ (4:78* 5488.'1* 43*8 the UK’s most94successful car4+plant employing thou!2&795-43* 9&0* & 5-494 9-* &) 94 7*+*7 94 1&9*7 sands either directly *3;.7432*39 or indirectly, and injecting millions ':9 .3 9-.8 5&79.(:1&7 9&0.3, 4:9 43*D8 into the5-43* local economy.

24'.1* .3 (&2*7& 24)* <4:1) '* 3*.9-*7 &);.8 “Wor347 lads, let’s all vote to jeopardise shall &'1* )*8.7&'1* 47 9-.8 7*&843 that .9.?*3then, (&3349 we?” Because could when, or if, the 7*(&11 9-* 3&2*that 4+ 9-* 9&=.well &55happen &3) 9-*7* :3+479:3&9*1> EU imposes maybe, Nissan -&83D9 '**3 &tariffs -42*or,2&9(8.3(* :9 relocates .9 (*79&.31>future <&8 development even everything) to mainland Europe. *=(1:8.;*1> +47(or 97&).9.43&1 1.(*38*) 9&=.8 <-.(- #'*7 On the subject of the north, Citizen takes some issue .83D9 with Steve’s comment about waste47 9-* :3.3.9.&9*) #'*7 .8 & “post-industrial 7*;41:9.43&7> &55 9-&9 lands”. It should remembered that Liverpool, 47.,.3&9*) .3 !&3be7&3(.8(4 +47 14(&9.3, 9-* 3*&7*89 Manchester, Leeds, York and Newcastle voted to 2.3.(&' &3) *1*(9743.(&11> -&.1.3, .9 -&;.3,all&,7**) 9-* remain, perhaps reflecting the comparative recent afflu+&7* ence and global 97&).9.43&1 awareness9&=. in these 49 8:757.8.3,1> )7.;*78more -&9*metropolitan .9 &8 .9 .8 northern& (-&11*3,* cities.

(1*&71> .+ 349 & 9-7*&9 94 9-* <&> 9-*> )4 A global awareness that,9-*as9&=.

Steve points is appar9-*.7 ':8.3*88 '49- 43 7&308 47 '>out, '*.3, -&.1*) ently in the4+city of Chelmsford despite57*8*7;* its prox.3 9-*lacking 897**9 '49<-.(&7* 9-* *=(1:8.;* imity to London - Europe’s Centre.&77.&,*8 47 4+ <-&9 &7* 034<3 .3 9-* # Financial &8 &(03*> The over 65-year-old Citizen tried to persuade others of 842*9.2*8 43)43 "&=.8 a similar age'**3 to vote Remain for the sake of9-* our/&22.3, chil"-*7* -&;* -:,* 5749*898 .3(1:).3, dren grandchildren’s future2&/47 in Europe, 4+ (.9>and (*397* 897**98 .3 2&3> (.9.*8 including .3(1:).3, trade and &7.8 employment, also&8pointing the possibility 43)43 &3) "474394 )7.;*78 out 4+ 9-48* 97&).9.43 of 1&3)2&70 tax rises if(&'8 high '* earners and/or>*114< their jobs decamp to &1 9-*> '1&(0 47 <-&9*;*7 1.; Germany, Scandinavia. *7> & (.9.*8France +&9-*78or).(9&9* &99*259Or 94 even 89*2 to 9-*the +14< 4+ Benelux (or(.9> ‘Junkersland’ as49-*7 they could per#'*7 &3)countries C5*78:&)*D (4:3(.18 &3) 14(&1 1.(*38 haps&:9-47.9.*8 be renamed if that federalist becomes .3, 94 C4:91&<D 9-* #'*7 nondescript &55 "7&385479 +47 any more-&8 powerful).

43)43 7.,-91> 7*8.89*) 9-.8 Citizen add that if the51:8 financial pain of 3 9-* #would 9-*7*have -&;*to'**3 5749*898 9-* &99*3)&39 tax rises benefit cuts going to be felt it could (.9> (*397*or'14(0&,*8 .3 is &3(-*89*7 1&8,4< &3)end up being distributed more evenly across the board 49-*7 2&/47 (.9.*8 #38:757.8.3,1> 5*7-&58 9-* #3.9*even, dare we.3;41;*) say it, to the over 65’s, a majority of #3.43 .8 &184 whom supported by way of a withdrawal 9 9-* 8&2* 9.2* Brexit, 9-* 97&).9.43&1 C 34<1*),*D 9*89of, or taxing of, pensioner benefits such as bus passes, free <-*7*'> 57485*(9.;* 43)43 (&''.*8 ,4 9-4:,- &3 prescriptions and the winter fuel payment. *=-&:89.;* 97.&1 '> 245*) <.9- -&3)1* '&7 24:39*) With David Cameron and George Osborne gone their

(1.5'4&7) 4'8(:7* 74:9*8 ‘triple-lock’94on2*247.8* such benefits 4+9*3 can presumably be 9-74:,-4:9 4:7 (&5.9&1 9-7*&9*3*) '>on 9-*these, :3.;*78&1 reviewed? Citizen would.8 lose out itself as &);*39 9-* 8&93&; well, but4+there would at least be a sense of fairness !4 >4:D) .9D8 349 about the.2&,.3* distribution of it.& ,7*&9 9.2* 94 '* & 9&=. )7.;*7 <-&9 >4:7 ':8.3*88articles 24)*1about 9-7*&9*3*) '> 9*(-3414 We’ve<.9read conflicting the turn-out of the ,> 349 431>the 43most 43* +7439 9<4suggests +74398 &3) 18’s-25’s, recent':9 of 43 which that .9.?*3 a lot -&8 *;*7> 8>25&9-> &8 4:7mainly (&''.*8 9-* 8&19but 4+ were 9-* of them actually did vote, for &7* Reamain, *&79*=(*11*391> by 034<1*),*&'1* )7.;*78 :8:&11> still outnumbered a majority of the older&3) generation ,7*&9 7&(439*:78 944 Brexiteers.

4<*;*7 #'*7to 89&3) .9.?*3 But Citizen9-* is ,7*&9 at a loss know 4++ why7*2.3)8 the 16 and 17 4+ year 9-* 9-* *&71> *.,-9.*8 <-*3 9-* 57.39might :3.438 olds8.9:&9.43 were not.3given a vote

by Cameron which 97.*) 94 57*;*39 9-*it .3974):(9.43 &3)job. :8*That 4+ 3*< just have swayed and saved his age 9*(-341 group 4,> 9-* 41) 97&).9.43&1and C-49anyone 2*9&1D 574):(9.43 voted94 in7*51&(* Scotland’s referendum north of the 2*9-4)8 border who was just 16 in September 2014 must have 42548.9478 &3) 49-*7 97&).9.43&1 .3 this 9-&9time .3):8 been pretty hissed off about being<470*78 excluded 97> <*7* 80.11*) ,:>8 8*7;.3, :5 94 & >*&7 .3)*39:7*) around. &557*39.(*8-.5 94 7*&) :58.)* Let’s hope there<.9are9-* no &'.1.9> more referendums as,)4<3 in &3) '&(0 94 +7439 2*9&1 9>5* -*3(* C1.34 Citizens view,&3) they24;* are a1.3*8 poor4+substitute for the system 9>5*D &74:3) 94 5*7+*(91> 1&.)world 4:9 5&,* of democracy we574):(* gave to&much of the - that of3 +&(9 +47 governments )*).(&9.43 94 with 9-*.7 representatives (7&+9 .9 <&8 2:(1.0*are9-* elected who (&''>D8 034<1*),* accountable for the 9*89 issues they vote for. And who can :3.438 94 9-* 3*<polibe7.39voted out8:(every&84 9-* or 5 years1&.) so8.*,* that any failed ".2*8 51&39 &9 $&55.3, ):7.3, <-.(- 9.2* 9-* 3*<85& cies can be overturned.

5*7 349result 5:'1.8-*) +47 &74:3) The<&8 Brexit also appears, sadly,2439-8 to have.3given the 9 4((:77*) 94 .9.?*3 &9 9-* 9.2*European 4+ 9-* 5749*89 &3)It is far-right impetus in some other counties.

43(* &,&.3 <.98 )*243897&9.438 #'*7 also believed that94)&> Vladimir Putin was not&,&.389 displeased 9-&9 either..3, &3:9* -.28*1+ 43 & 9-743* 43 9-* '&308 4+ 9-* "-&2*8 4(01&3)8 9-&9 ways 9-* 7.;*7 Some of the &9 reasons given)*2&3).3, for voting both were +14<8 .3 9-* 45548.9* :19.2&9*1> girl -&;* &8 truly lamentable, such).7*(9.43 as the 18<4:1) or 19-year-old who 2:(voted *++*(9 to stay because of her roaming charges and, for ;*39:&11> &3) .3*;.9&'1> 9-* 3*< 7411*)from &3) leave, the deliberate ambiguity over57*88*8 immigrants 3*< 9*(-3414,> <&8 &)459*) 9-74:,-4:9 the EU and refugees from middle eastern9-* war.3):897> zones (exemplified scandalous poster). &8 .8 &1<&>8 by 9-*Farage’s (&8* '*(&:8* >4: 8.251> (&3349 :3.3 While842*9-.3, NATO, with the.9D8 USA prominent, rightly gets the ;*39 43(* 9-*7* credit the .3):897> unprecedented 70 odd 47 9-*for57.39 9-74:,-4:9 9-* years 1&9* ofD8 compara&3) 9-* tive peace Europe '.,,*7 (the former Yugoslavia and a few *&71> D8 .9in85:73*) &3) '*99*7 3*<85&5*78 &3) other 8&< localised hot spots excepted) is also"4)&> a fact that *;*3 9-* 1&:3(4+ 3*< 3&9.43&1it 9.91*8 the Common Market EEC"-* cum3)*5*3)*39 EU has certainly 8&)1> 34 143,*7 <.9- cum :8 &3) 9-&9 contributed to this(148*8 too - as envisioned *;*3 247* 8&)1> &8 was & 57.39 *).9.43 43by Churchill 9and others after war when they9*(-3414,.(&1 first championed the &7(5&791> &8 the & 7*8:19 4+ +:79-*7 idea. &);&3(*8 ;*3 3*<*7 9*(-3414,> .3 9-* +472 4+ 9-* Donald Trump, who Citizen sadly fears win the 4+ .39*73*9 -&8 .25&(9*) 43 7*;*3:*8 <.9-could & 2.,7&9.43 US Presidency a similar7*(7:.92*39 wave of protest votes and, (1&88.+.*) &3) .3on5&79.(:1&7 &3) 5745*79> in some cases, xenophobia November,<.9has 431.3* shown &);*79.8.3, 94 <*'8.9*8 &3) this 43 7*&)*78-.5 that he 4+ is 3*<8 no big)*1.;*7> fan of the wider NATO - and what he 2*&38 sees as its undersubscribing smaller members which 31.,-9*3*) 5:'1.8-*78 +47 *=&251* 9-* ".2*8-&3) must to the ears of his mutual admirer &.1> also &.1 be &3)music 9-* 4<3*78 4+ 14(&1 9.91*8 .3(1:).3, '49-Mr Putin.88*= -743.(1* &3) -*128+47) $**01> *<8 &11 9-* Any perceived sign of the &3) weakening 8&< <-&9 <&8 -&55*3.3, &)&59*)of94NATO’s 8:7;.;*resolve 574 and some commentators fear Putin could invade one or ):(.3, *=(*11*39 431.3* *).9.438 &143,8.)* 9-*.7 57.39 more of the3) former Union states, like Estonia, 4++*7.3,8 9-.8 .8Soviet 9-* 0*> &)&59 94 8:7;.;* Latvia<&8 or Lithuania (who;.8.9 now to both NATO and "-.8 <-> .9.?*38 94 belong 9-* :7.3&1 &9 58<.(the EU) like43* he4+did7*1.*+ Crimea.

Although will,&8of.9 "4<3 <&8 .3 247* <&>8 the 9-&3UK 43* course, remain king-pin of ).8(4;*7*) 9-&9 a97&).9.43&1 9&=.NATO, )7.;*78surely &184 this -&) is9-*another reason why staying as34< united possible with our 455479:3.9> 94 &)&59 &3) -&)as9-*.7 4<3 &558 94 EU partners important?

(425*9* <.9-was 9-* also .3. so&' )7.;*3 #'*7 In Citizen’s view, those politicians, plus the9-&9 senior !:'8*6:*39 44,1* 7*8*&7(-&8 8-4<3 9-*7* &7* retired members of the&77.&,* ArmedC-&.1.3,D Forces,&558 who &9 1*&89and 9<4 serving (425*9.3, &(03*> highlighted the threats to security and peace of a vote C *99D (4;*7.3, (.9.*8 8:(&8 43)43 1&8,4< to**)8 leave should have&3) been*< listened to more .72.3,-&2 %470 &3) C &.14Dcarefully 9-&9 and not .98 dismissed as scaremongers. ).9(-*) 57.;&9* -.7* &85*(9 &3) 7*9:73*) 94 9-* C5:7.

Sadly, 4+hardly voting will have had any adult 9>D '1&(0anyone (&'8 1&89 (94'*7 memories of what it was like Europe the(-**7> thirties .9.?*3 .8 (43+.)*39 9-&9 '1&(0in(&'8 &3) in 9-*.7 and even Cold War is a fading )7.;*78 <.11the <*&9-*7 9-* #'*7 89472 memory. &3) 7*.3;*39 9-*.7 So why45*7&3). didn’t Citizen air these views-&;* last -&) month?

24):8 &8 49-*7 .3):897.*8 94 )4 .3 A few years +&(* ago it4+wrote a piece about Levison and 9-* ,74<.3, 9*(-3414,> Press Freedom Edge, the saying 4<*;*7 .9 .8 349that &8 Mr (43+.)*39 9-&9editor, C"-* hated, 34<1*),*D <.11 he didn’t do serious politics in The Edge.

But when 8:7;.;* &8 9-* ".2*8 (41:23.89 -.1.5 411.38 <749* no less than 94 three covered last month 7*+*77.3, .9 .3writers -.8 (41:23 43 it in 9- depth *'7:&7> A 9-* including a ‘leaver’"-* in Billy Hinken -9&0*8 Citizen felt>*&78 that it 80.11 .8 7*):3)&39 34<1*),* 9-7** too must contribute. &3) & 8&93&; <.9- &3 &334>.3, ;4.(* (&3 )4 .9 .3 8*( So, in "-* closing the subject of Brexit, while 43)8 9&=. on )7.;*78 &7* -&;.3, & 1&:,B hoping to be.3&11> proved otherwise, Citizen would suggest 9-* 3*=9 9.2* 58<.(- &7* &9 -42* that: .9.?*3 <.11 “It was94not the 4:9 best9-* of 3&2* times,4+it was the worst of times, -&;* (-*(0 9-&9 &55 94 (43+.72 9-&9 it was not the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolish.9 944 <&83D9 -&;.3, & 1&:,- 47 *;*3 9&0.3, 9-* 5.88 ness.”

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 239_The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2016 18:59 Page 9

So where to the cool kids go these days?

Being an old git, your editor is hardly bang en trend anymore these days.

So The Edge thought it would be interesting to glean the views of a Chelmsford twentysomething who looks that familiar, he could almost be my twin brother. Yes folks, it’s personal fitness trainer and Chelmsford Chieftains super-puck superstar, young Daniel Hammond.

Favourite places for drinks in Chelmsford: Riverside Inn, Escedra, Bassment (“great for live music”), Secret Garden (Writtle Road Nursery).

Favourite places to eat out in Chelmsford: Wine Cellar, El Chigre (“superb tapas”), Rosa’s (“you can’t beat their sheesh kebab take-away’s”) in Moulsham Street, Olio’s in New London Road. “And, of course, Vita Bella at East Hanningfield for some excellent Italian nosh.”

Favoured London haunts: Blues kitchen in Shoreditch, Dinerma Street Feast (a seasonal pop-up place), Taylor Street Coffee (“it’s just the best coffee”) at Chancery Lane, Canary Wharf, Mayfair, Monument, Liverpool Street, Shoreditch, South Quay and St. Paul’s. The Queen of Hoxton in Shoreditch (Curtain Road, EC2), which has a rooftop terrace and it looks to The Edge as though there’s some live music and jiving about below decks going on. And finally the Crown & Shuttle, which is on Shoreditch High Street, E1, which apparA DJ at The Queen of ently has a great selection of beers, large Hoxton calls out the next heated (huge) garden and churns out some hit on the turntable genuinely wicked tunes.

What wheels do you drive? “Ford Ranger 2.2litre diesel truck for carting all of my personal fitness training gear and boot camp stuff around in.”

Any pets? “Ah, Uno, my French Bulldog. He’s a gem. I did consider getting a Beagle, but French Bulldogs are pretty easy to look after and tend to do their own thing. They’re just very different dogs. And they’re funny.

Uno definitely has his own little quirks and his very own way of going about things. But man, does he snore!”

CHELMSFORD AND EPPING

AUTUMN COLLECTIONS 2016

WWW.NOSIX.CO.UK

Danny’s French Bulldog Uno www.theedgemag.co.uk

220 HIGH STREET, EPPING CM16 4AQ. PH: 01992 678787 6-7 CAN BRIDGE WAY, CHELMSFORD CM2 0WP PH: 01245 690580 EMAIL: INFO@NOSIX.CO.UK

Page 9

The Edge 239_The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2016 18:33 Page 10

THE HAIRY MONSTER MARRAKECH - CASABLANCA

FAT DAD TO

FIT DAD!

There are two options for the drive from Marrakech to Casablanca - the semi-direct A7 motorway, or the old road with its constantly-changing surfaces, potholes (that are more like black holes) and very little in the way of traffic discipline. I was riding a trail bike so it was a no brainer - the old road. The distance is only about 150 miles, but allowances for road works, diversions and frequent police checks can make it a four or five hour journey. The police road blocks are particularly worrying as they lay a stinger across the road to funnel the traffic into narrow lanes. Get it wrong and you could be looking at a new set of tyres. The police are generally goodnatured - one of them even pulled me over at a road junction and asked me if I had watched the previous Sunday's MotoGP race. After agreeing that Valentino Rossi is a living legend, I was on my way again.

My all-time favourite destination was, for twenty years, Barcelona. Then I discovered Casablanca. It's hard to explain my fascination for the place, but the moment I arrived there for the very first time, in 2012, I was captivated. Desperate poverty contrasts with the opulence of the mosques and palaces. The street markets and bazaars are alive with exotic colours, sounds and smells. Stop to look at a trinket on a stall and you will immediately be surrounded by a dozen street traders all competing for your Moroccan dirhams and, if you do find something you like, they will be most offended if you don't at least try to haggle.

My first evening in Casablanca was spent in a launderette and then a cafĂŠ where, for the equivalent of 50p, I availed myself of an internet connection for an hour. It was only after I sat down in my little kiosk that I realised the keyboard was in Arabic. Luckily, they managed to find me an English keyboard which annoyingly kept trying to correct my spelling. Turns out it wasn't English at all, but American. Checking my Facebollox page I discovered one of my friends was also in Morocco. Debs has been touring Europe, the Middle East and North Africa in her Fiat Ducato camper since time immemorial and was only about a hundred miles away in Rabat. We arranged to meet up the following day which meant the bottle of Smirnoff I'd brought from England would have a 24 hour reprieve. Luckily the hotel I was staying in had a bar and a television, which was showing a Marx Brothers film dubbed in Arabic. So here I was, a European atheist, in an African Muslim hotel, enjoying a Jewish American film (despite the fact that it had been dubbed very badly to the extent that Harpo, who was renowned for never speaking, had not only acquired a voice, but a very high-pitched one at that).

At midnight I dragged myself up the three flights of stairs to my room. It had satellite tv and I managed to find the Formula 1 practice session, although I was asleep in minutes.

ARMY & NAVY FLYOVER Am I alone in thinking that the new north/south road layout to/from the Army & Navy is a tad half-arsed? How come we need two lanes to get into Chelmsford from Chelmer Village, but only one to go in the opposite direction? And how come there is still as much of a queue approaching the Army & Navy from Parkway and Princes Road as ever there was?

What Chelmsford really needs is the flyover to be widened to accommodate two-way traffic all day long. Or, even better, an underpass like the one at Rayleigh Weir. I know it would be expensive, but if all the local and county councillors were to chip in by foregoing their outrageously generous expenses for a few months, we could probably have both and then get them paved with gold for good measure.

GET WELL My boss has been unwell lately, so I thought I'd buy him a 'Get Well' card.

Unfortunately, the only ones I could find also said 'soon'.

DNA Group Fit a fun fuelled fitness solution 7 Day FREE Trial Visit: www.bootcampit.com Page 10

REAL POLICE WORK Watching '24 Hours in Police Custody' on C4 has altered my attitude to the police in a positive way. Watching a case develop from the moment an offense is reported is fascinating. These are hard-working, dedicated officers striving against all the odds to persuade the Crown Prosecution Service to bring justice for victims of violence, rape and assaults. It's a refreshing change to see people doing real police work, rather than the knobheads who seem to gravitate to the traffic division in programmes the like of Police Interceptors.

Take note: The opinions expressed by The Hairy Monster do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Edge magazine in general.

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The Edge 239_The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2016 19:00 Page 11

Marvel ‘SUPERHEROES’ collection is at CHELMER FINE ART NOW!

A

collection of limited edition artworks featuring iconic Marvel comic book covers, hand-signed by industry legend Stan Lee, are available at Chelmer Fine Art in Chelmsford.

In its seventh release in collaboration with Choice Fine Art, Marvel’s fine art publisher, Washington Green, has published six new images to join its bestselling ‘Superheroes’ portfolio.

The new collection features a selection of iconic Marvel comic book covers dating from the 1960s through to the 1980s. It includes much-loved characters The Amazing Spider-Man, The Incredible Hulk, The Invincible Iron Man, Wolverine and Captain America, a character that

www.theedgemag.co.uk

has now been part of the Marvel story for seventy five years.

Each piece is individually hand-signed by Stan Lee (93), who is credited with introducing complex characters with both light and dark qualities to the industry, in a difference from the archetypal American superhero. This type of characterisation had rarely been seen in comics before, contributing to Marvel's widespread success as one of the most popular brands in the world today.

As Marvel’s Chairman Emeritus, Lee is recognised as leading the expansion of Marvel comics from a small division of a publishing house to a large multimedia corporation during an era now referred to as The Marvel Revolution.

With comic archive Comichron estimating the comics and graphic novel market crossed the billion dollar threshold in 2015 to reach $1.03 billion - a 10% increase over sales in 2014 demand for collector’s items and comic paraphernalia continues to grow .

Andrew Bresgall, Gallery Manager of Chelmer Fine Art - a partnership gallery of Washington Green Fine Art - explains why the new ‘Superheroes’ collection is set to be a best seller: "Marvel has had a huge impact on popular culture. I think we can all relate to its very human

characters in some way. This collection will appeal to both art collectors and superhero fans alike. It also features one of the most popular Captain America comic book covers as a homage to the character’s 75th birthday this year.”

The new Marvel 'Superheroes’ collection is available to buy from Chelmer Fine Art as of right now. The six limited edition prints are individually signed by Stan Lee and are produced in either a giclée (£695) or boxed canvas (£750 unframed, £995 framed) format.

For further information please contact:www.chelmerfineart.com (see also page three) at 6 New London Road, Chelmsford, CM2 0SW.

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The Edge 239_The Edge 172.qxd 25/08/2016 14:14 Page 12

GOLD!

Cocktails...getting started

M

Paul of Zagger’s sister-in-law Saskia Clark proudly shows off her Gold gong that she won in Rio for sailing with her partner Hannah Mills in the Women’s (obviously) 470 Dinghy.

“I’m extremely proud of her,” says Paul, “especially after their disappointment of only (only?) collecting a silver medal in London 2012.

“Saskia has worked tirelessly on and around West Mersea on the East Coast for the past 4 years to secure her place with the sailing elite.

WELL DONE, SIS!”

Woodley’s Pizzas

A

5pm-8pm

FRIDAY 23RD SEPT. Village Hall car-park, South Street, Great Waltham.

Mixing your own cocktails is the way forward

Page 12

ost discerning bar visitors will know a margarita from a mojito, but would they know how to make one? Here a few tips to help you make a perfect cocktail at home.

The basis of many cocktails is understanding the best balance between strong and weak, sour and sweet. Strong refers to the main alcohol component of the drink, such as gin, rum or vodka; weak consists of the lesser alcohols, such as Campari or vermouth; sour mainly means citrus, such as lemon or lime, while sweet accounts for the sugars and syrups.

Almost all of the cocktails you are likely to make will consist of strong and sour.

Weak and sweet can then be added to your preferred taste.

Next, consider the style of cocktail you would like to make. The various types are stir (Martini), shake (Margarita), muddle (Mojito), layer (B52), and throw (Negroni).

Stirring should be done with cocktails containing only alcohol, such as a Martini (50ml of gin or vodka and 25ml dry vermouth) as you do not want to oxidise the spirits or add any air by shaking. The finished cocktail needs to be cold and smooth.

Sorry, but 007 was wrong to order a Martini shaken, not stirred. Ian Fleming deliberately included that to show Bond was not as suave as he liked to think!

Shaking is a technique that adds air to the cocktail, as well as really blending all the ingredients, particularly if you are using egg whites or cream. However, be careful not to over-dilute. Once you have all of your ingredients together, keep an eye on the outside of the container. As soon as condensation starts forming, stop shaking as it means the cocktail is cold enough and if you keep shaking, the melting ice will dilute the drink.

Again, when muddling, don’t over-do it. Too many bar staff act as if they have a real grudge against what they put in the glass and need to obliterate it. The more you muddle, the more chance there is of extracting some really bitter elements from the lime, mint or whatever you have got in there. You simply need to extract the flavour.

Layering, or floating, is great fun and looks great when it’s done properly. The ingredients are poured, one at a time, heaviest first, over a barspoon so as to keep the layers separate. It does take some practice and makes a great challenge to see who can pour the cleanest layers.

Finally, throwing is a flashy version of shaking - you are trying to add some lightness to the cocktail by pouring the liquid from one container to another from height. Again, this is a challenging procedure, so it’s best not to start out with this technique.

Using the right equipment is important. You can easily pick a kit up online that will consist of a measure, shaker, muddler, juicer, mixing spoon and strainer. If you are planning to make cocktails regularly, then it is a good idea to invest in the right kit. Personally, I prefer a boston shaker, which is the style that is made up of two parts; a stainless steel container and a large glass that fit perfectly together. It is great for stirring, muddling, shaking and throwing.

Most cocktail recipes will provide the right volume and therefore the right balance for the drink, so using the correct glass is important. Remember, the glasses are not there just to make the cocktail look good. For instance, a Martini glass has a broad, aroma-releasing surface area so that, when drinking the Martini, you can capture the essence of the cocktail. good cocktail to start off your new hobby with would be a Dark & Stormy.

It is a lovely drink and suitable all year round: using a tall glass rub lime around the rim, add 50ml of spiced rum and 25ml of lime juice to the glass and fill with ice. Stir gently and then top up with ginger beer. Simple and delicious, this will introduce you to mixing ‘strong’ with citrus and a mixer.

A good starting point in understanding the ‘bitter’ element used in a cocktail is to try an Americano, then move on to a Negroni. An Americano starts with 30 ml of Campari and 30 ml of red vermouth. Combine the two in a rocks glass (small tumbler), add ice, top up with soda and garnish with a strip of orange zest. A Negroni is made of equal parts (30 ml is fine) of Campari, red vermouth and gin. Fill a rocks glass with ice, add the three ingredients, gently stir for a few seconds, add a slice of orange or a strip of orange zest, and away you go. The choice of orange flesh or zest will be down to your taste. Like a chef with his food, you are building layers of flavour with each component. As a chef will use salt and pepper, a budding mixologist will experiment with bitters. Angostura is probably the best known, but there are many different versions to choose from.

A cocktail that uses bitters are favoured in ‘Mad Men’. Place ½ teaspoon caster sugar in an Old-Fashioned glass (small tumbler to you and me), splash on 2 or 3 drops of Angostura and a dash of soda water. Using a muddler to crush the sugar into the liquid, then rotate the glass so that the contents line it. Add one or two large ice cubes, pour in 60ml rye whiskey and stir. You will see how the bitters add a real depth to the cocktail and, without being gender specific, your jaw will square off and your next skirt will be of very bright colours.

The most important thing is to have fun and experiment: switch lemon for lime, bourbon for whisky, Aperol for Campari and sherry for vermouth Enjoy!

Neil Bull Essex Wine School www.essexwineschool.com

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 239_The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2016 18:34 Page 13

Give it a break for a few hours!

The average person checks their mobile phone 200 times a day.

Many internet users admit to being so addicted that they spend 25 hours a week searching for stuff online.

Incredibly, one-in-four people spends more time on the web than they do asleep.

Surely there is something profoundly sad about these findings?

Ten years ago, when the ‘World Wide Wed’ first took hold, it was all supposed to benefit our lives. However, perhaps it’s made us prisoners?

Worse is the fact that it appears to have limited our ability to communicate properly (70% of 16-24 year olds say they prefer texting to talking), due to the fact that the vast majority of us these days choose text messaging and emails rather than simply picking up the ’phone for a chat.

In short, is our unhealthy obsession with technological gadgets damaging our relationships with real, live people?

Whether on holiday, on public transport, or in restaurants*, more and more frequently these days you see evidence of this (*heaven forbid, it’s even got to the point where two people out for dinner seemingly prefer looking at their gadgets to actually conversing with one another).

Noticing things and sharing experiences with our fellow beings is a central part of our lives and development. Yes, the technological revolution has offered us much, but what has it taken away?

Numerous studies have found that excessive use of social media (such as Facecock) can actually lead to depression, loneliness and anxiety.

So beware, folks...be very aware.

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Come on, own up...how many of you have been glued to Naked Attraction? four horsemen of the apocalypse...Brexit, Boris, to make is this: men are meant to be the stereoIn a nutshell, Naked Attraction is post watershed Trump and Naked Attraction.” But it’s all just a typical ones, right? Only out of the two episodes Blind Date, only minus Cilla and unfortunately bit of fun, isn’t it? your editor has viewed to date, “Surprise, you don’t really get to see how the couples realWell, isn’t it?

Surprise” (where the bloody hell did Cilla just ly got on during their date, although when they The fact that the contestants get to see their come from?), on both occasions the girl chose meet on the settee supposedly a couple of date naked before they even go out with them is the guy with the biggest cock. weeks later, you can kind of tell by their body surely turning the whole concept of dating language as to whether they’ve gone the on it’s head. whole hog or not.

It’s certainly interesting to hear some of the Naked Attraction is a brand new dating proreasons why naked people get rejected. gramme on - you guessed it - C4 whereby “She doesn’t look like she takes enough those lookin’ 4 lurve get to see their care of her feet,” was what one guy said of prospective partner starkers before they’ve a particularly flat-chested naked lass (The even been on a date. Not only that, but us Edge will leave that one for you readers to voyeurs - pardon me, viewers - also get to consider the deeper meaning of). see all of the contestants in the buff too.

The programme is supposedly the brainResult! child of the same people who are behind There’s no questions to be answered Gogglebox, Undercover Boss and Tattoo behind a screen though. The chooser (one Fixers. guy and one gal each week) simply walks But if you think Naked Attraction is bad, out to be confronted by what looks like six The Edge understands that there’s a tanning cubicles, coloured green, blue, red, programme from Italy now on TLC called yellow, pink and orange (from left to right, Host Anna Richardson readily admits to having Undressed which sees matched up couples and yes, The Edge purposefully made a “swung both ways” in her time strip one another down to their underwear note of their order) with a naked body inside on their very first meet...and then jump straight That pretty much says it all, don’t you think? each of ’em. Sometimes guys will choose girls into bed together.

For years we’ve been hearing a load of old and visa versa, although there have been a couThis mag actually can’t wait for the first ever twaddle about how it’s possible to laugh a girl ple of same sex (female) episodes to date, but I Celebrity Naked Attraction series and no prizes into bed, or that bald men supposedly have haven’t noticed any chaps choosing chaps yet. for guessing that Keith Chegwin is bound to be more testosterone (it’s nonsense, trust me), Nor a special octogenarian episode, come to an early front runner. when what it really comes down to is what we think of it..

Naturally the broadsheets frowned upon this all knew all along....that size matters.

The most memorable contestant to date has new dating show, predictably calling it ‘gratuYep, you ladies have proper been shown up for surely got to be the one-legged dredlocked foritous’. But hey, it’s where we are today, post the shallow creatures you undoubtedly are on mer Scouse strippergram on the very first show Brexit. Blind Date is the past; we’ve simply this tawdry TV show. who had a large pair of elephant’s ears tattooed moved on (well, those who make TV proOh, and I almost forgot to mention that when on his pelvis....so you can imagine what the grammes have at any rate). the contestant/chooser has whittled it down to trunk turned out to be, can’t you?

Of course Naked Attraction reduces human the last two-from-six, they then get their kit off.

And if you think this is taking dumbed down TV attraction pretty much to base level and that of a Naturally there have been numerous comments to a whole new level, no it’s not, as Big Brother meat market. But it was good enough for Stone on social media as a result of this new prohas already cornered the market.

Age man, so suck it up, peeps. gramme, The Edge’s favourite being, “The new OK, so the main point that this publication wants

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CODEC communications

City Barbers comes to Havengore Sharon (centre), formerly of the City Barbers in Upper Bridge Road, Chelmsford, is reopening City Barbers this month, but this time at Havengore Shopping Parade in Springfield.

The shop will be open from 9:00am to 5:00pm Monday to Friday and from 8:30am to 4:30pm on Saturdays.

“The old City Barbers unfortunately closed five years ago,” explains Sharon, “but former proprietor Geoff Barnard has given me his blessing to use the City Barbers name which I feel immensely privileged about.”

Unlike the former premises, the all new City Barbers benefits from having plenty of free car parking space right outside its door, whilst the old hardware store has had a major refurb to make it fit for purpose.

Sharon herself has 27 years of gents hair styling experience, almost seven of which were spent at the original City Barbers.

Joining Sharon will be Sarah, former proprietor of Smith & Co/The Barber Shop in Shenfield, who herself has 25 years barbering experience, and Kerry, formerly of Blades Barber Shop at Fenchurch Street, London.

All haircuts will be reduced to just £7 throughout September (excluding Sundays which is by prior appointment by telephoning 07789 791781).

Senior citizens rates will apply Monday to Friday.

The all new City Barbers opens on Monday 5th September.

See their website for further details, folks.

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A HUGE ‘THANK YOU’ FROM ANDY!

I’d just like to say a huge thank you to everyone involved in the first ever Writtle Jazz & Blues Festival held on Sunday 31st July, writes organiser Andy Russell.

Particular thanks go to Zak Barrett for cobbling together such a spectacular range of musicians, as well as Zak himself, of course, who featured in four of the bands. Many thanks to all of the musicians for both their practice and preparation. There was an outstanding line-up and some truly stand-out performances.

Thanks too to Dan Early and Ollie, whose professionalism with the sound and lighting in the marquee provided a seamless production, whilst high praise indeed must also go to all of our helpers, Peter and Brenda, Jeff and Geraldine, Steve, Ryan and Abbie, Cloe, Ellie and Rhys, Alex and Toby, and of course the Sheffield contingent of Bruce, Christine, Dan, Brian and Dennis.

Yet more applause is due to Huttons Courtyard Cafe for providing teas, coffees, sandwiches and cakes all afternoon long. With such an unprecedented and unexpectedly high turn out, they managed to cope with an unwilting demand throughout. They even had to make several trips to their cafe at Hylands Park to fetch more and more supplies.

Thanks too to Rob, Ellie and Barry at The Rose and Crown who not only kept the beer flowing inside the pub, but also provided some much needed refreshments on Writtle Green.

Thank you to Terry and his staff at The Wheatsheaf for satisfying thirsty demand all day long. Thanks also to the staff at the Bridge Street Lounge & Grill. Their restaurant hosted two exceptional bands during the day, with the Joe Gibson Trio and subsequently Simon

Hurley, Andy Watson and Andy Staples. If any of you missed this venue, then make sure you get there next year, for yes, hopefully, there will be one next year! Bridge Street also served up chilled glasses of prosecco on the green itself, amongst other delights.

Thank you to ‘The Pompous Pig’ for serving the Hog Roast. Just two weeks before the very day itself we discussed the fact that we had sold just over 300 tickets and that perhaps we might reach as many as 500 on the day. Ha! We slightly underestimated the demand as potentially there were 1,000 people at our inaugural event.

Many thanks to ‘Handmade by Hadleys’ for providing their delicious range of home made ice-creams.

Thank you too to Beresfords for sponsoring the event and for all their advice along the way with advertising and marketing, and for providing an activity on the day for the younger generation.

Thank you to the Civic Theatre for a truly professional service where the ticketing was concerned. Thank you to Martin at Warrior-B for supplying such great t-shirts for the event. There are still a few left over, so if you would like one, then contact Martin at www.warrior-b.co.uk Thank you to Paul at ‘Cowgum’ for printing the posters, flyers and programmes.

And last, but not least, thank you to Writtle Parish Council for allowing the event to take place. Without their support this event would not even have been possible.

Also a big thank you to all those people who attended the event and made it a day to remember. It certainly exceeded both my own and Zak's expectations. As you might appreciate, the cost of hosting such an event is quite significant

and without an appreciative audience, this would not have been possible. We hope to take on board feedback from this year’s event and make next year’s even better.

We are also planning an afternoon of jazz at The Wheatsheaf and The Rose & Crown one Sunday in January (to be arranged) to keep things rolling along. And we are definitely going to create a ‘Writtle Youth Jazz Project’ too. So if you are a young aspiring jazz musician, and that could mean young in age or young in experience, then please email me (address below).

We are looking to run practices in the Village Hall with some of the musicians from the festival providing their teaching expertise and the new band we create will hopefully feature at next year’s Writtle Jazz & Blues Festival. andy@writtlejazzandbluesfestival.co.uk

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WHY THE EDGE BELIEVES ‘BIG SAM’ OFFERS US HOPE Every now and then you have to nail your colours to the mast, which is why The Edge is 100% behind Sam Allardyce as the new England manager.

For starters though, let’s just get one thing straight, shall we, because it’s an important point.

Roy Hodgson led England in three woeful competitions. Remember our quarter-final defeat to Italy in the 2012 Euro’s on penalties? No, I (honestly) don’t either, as it seems that damn long ago. But I sure as hell remember the debacle of the 2014 World Cup two years later when you’d have thought Woy would have been far more settled in the job, wouldn’t you? Only we lost our opening two matches to Italy (Balotelli) and Uruguay (Suarez), both by a 1-2 scoreline, and that was that. We were eliminated at the group stage for the first time since the 1958 World Cup finals and were on our way back home quicker than any other team in the tournament. Make no mistake, Hodgson should have been sacked there and then, no question about it. What he proved beyond a shadow of a doubt is that he didn’t have what it takes to manage at the highest level, in the midst of the true battle of competition. Yet our stupid F.A. should have known that after his insipid stint in charge of Liverpool, where he lasted all of six months. Six months, managing the biggest club that he’d ever managed in his career, at the age of 63, when he really ought to have brought the Scousers a wealth of experience.

So Sam Allardyce ended up being the only - yes, the only - logical choice to succeed Woy. For starters, it simply had to be an Englishman, because look what happened under Sven (he was shagging around left, right and centre-back) and Copello (there was simply no chemistry). Had Wenger agreed to take the job, The Edge honestly wouldn’t have wanted him because (he’s French) after the shambles of the Euro’s and we were a total bloody shambles - this country needed to know for certain that this sort of non-

Sam points the way ahead to a far better series of performances in the 2018 World Cup finals in Russia sense would not happen again at the 2018 World Cup finals in Russia. And it won’t, because Sam will see to it that it won’t.

Make no mistake, this is no repeat of ‘Turnip Time’ (Graham Taylor’s appointment). There is simply no chance of that happening where Sam is concerned, mainly due the the principles of the six P’s that is part of his DNA (proper preparation prevents piss poor performance).

If nothing else, Sam’s a jolly good boy scout who likes to be prepared.

Of course, there are those who have said, “What about Eddie Howe?” But it’s way too early for Eddie Howe, as Eddie Howe himself has acknowledged. So then they said, “Well what about putting Eddie Howe alongside an older, wiser head, like Harry Redknapp.”

But our short-sighted F.A. won’t touch Harry with a bargepole. And anyway, who would be managing the team? They couldn’t both be the boss.

The only person The Edge wouldn’t have minded being recalled is Glenn Hoddle, but I do have to say that I am quite excited and optimistic about Sam Allardyce taking over, particularly after lack lustre Woy, because here is a man - from Dudley no less - who appears to know his very own mind, and what we saw in France was an England

The Edge is pretty sure Sam will not shirk the responsinility of getting his point across Page 18

team that didn’t know what the hell they were doing, let alone know where they were going, apart from ultimately home after the mighty Iceland totally outplayed us.

Make no mistake, Terry Venebles should still be the England manager to this day, even in his early seventies, because there was a football manager if ever there was one.

But once again, we have our ingenious F.A. to thank for the fact that he was but coach for two years after leading us to within a whisker (Gascoigne’s toe) of the 1996 European Championship final. What bunch of idiots wouldn’t get down on bended knees to retain a manager such as that?

‘Stat Man’ though ‘Big Sam’ may be, let’s not get carried away with ’em, shall we not. Sam’s win ratio or the amount of possession his teams have is somewhat immaterial, because let us always remember that he’s spent an awful lot of his time saving clubs and putting out fires, while Leicester are the current Premiership champions on, what, an average of below 40% possession per match?

Like Sam honestly and refreshingly says, this is his time. (Well, to be honest, his time was probably, ideally, ten years ago when Steve McClaren was the F.A.’s preferred choice - yes, they have got a lot to answer for, haven’t they?).

Allardyce has acknowledged, “Where am I going after this?”

Precisely. Nowhere.

His armchair, probably.

So you know he’s a proud man who has wanted this opportunity for an awful long time, and The Edge truly believes he’s going to grasp the poisoned chalice with both hands.

What also needs to be taken into consideration is that Sam has always got the best out of the players at his disposal, so The Edge is wholly optimistic that he is 100% capable of getting the very best out of the very best English players at his disposal in the future.

And the future starts in Slovakia on Sunday 4th September.

Only let us understand that the real job begins on 14th June 2018 in Russia, where and when it matters.

If there is one thing that separates athletes it is in the heat of battle and competition and France’16 exposed England as pitiful no-hopers.

Yet The Edge honestly doesn’t believe we are. Woy ought to have been able to get a far better tune out of the players at his disposal than he did. But he couldn’t, yet again, so his departure was long overdue.

It has been muted that Arsene Wenger was the F.A.’s first choice to succeed Hodgson and that ‘Big Sam’ is a bit of a ‘Dave Bassett’ character, only The Edge doesn’t think so. Wenger’s record at Arsenal is but three league championship crowns in 20 years.

Three. At a club the size and stature of Arsenal. Compare that to Sir Alex Ferguson’s astonishing record of winning the title every other season throughout his 26 year tenure at Manchester United, not to mention chipping in with a couple of European Cup triumphs to Wenger’s ‘non’. As much as The Edge despises the F.A., they definitely made the right call in appointing Sam Allardyce.

And I think, as fans, we’ve now lost patience to such an extent with the national team that all we’re really concerned about is winning football, which is Sam’s mantra.

Gorillas in our midst...

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Why does the Great British weather always have to ruin things?

There’s such a word as staycation these days, isn’t there....although the French, Americans and Italians have been doing it for years.

We undertook our very first long-weekend’s camping trip of the year on the final weekend of July (a sure sign that the weather hasn’t been ‘all that’ this summer) and naturally the destination was Swanage in Dorset, because if there’s a better place to go with a maximum 3 hour drive-time, The Edge has yet to hear about it.

I was absolutely gagging to get away and both Saturday and Sunday did not disappoint. Swanage has the most perfect English bay with lots of white sun-bereft bodies, only I’d never seen it so busy, or so many vessels in the sea, including a PPG (proper pirate’s galleon) anchored just off the pier.

Honestly, it was a totally heavenly weekend, and England comes in to its own when there’s a dollop of sunshine to be had in a clear blue sky.

I even treated myself to a pistachio ice-cream in one of those ‘right posh cones’ with the chocolate around the top and little bits of flaky stuff stuck into it.

And if that wasn’t enough, we even lashed out in the supermarket on a couple of bottles of white wine (plus some ice) and some cheese, crackers and relish and it was a true pleasure to simply people-watch and drink the

weekend in with banter and laughter whilst all appeared well with the world.

But oh dear, for upon waking up on Monday morning - with a bit of a groggy head, it has to be said - the sky was a blanket of cloud. So instead of staying until 7.00pm, like they would have done had the weather promised a repeat performance, our camping partners The Feckwit’s decided to pack up and head off back to Chelmsford mid-morning, which in hindsight would have been the correct thing for me and the missus to do too.

But we were after the carrot. We wanted that ‘extra day’, as the weekend had seemed to fairly skip by and was over all too soon.

So we stayed, only to end up mooching around in the spitting rain and growing gloom, only then it all went Pete Tongue (how could it honestly do that to us after the previous two wonderful, glorious days?) and we were back in our tent at 4.00pm, hiding away from the rapidly increasing miserable weather with sleet and wind the likes of which we just hadn’t envisaged.

And that’s where we unfortunately stayed until 7.00am the next morning when there was a lull in the showers which we grabbed to dismantle our tent and get all of our belongings into the car and head home.

Only the 100% down side of camping in such hideous conditions means you have to dry all your gear out once you get back...and that is a pain.

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Just what is it with women and the whole fireman fantasy?

Whoever they are, they say that the majority of men are pretty much one dimensional and somewhat stereotypical, haven’t you heard?

But when it comes to a lady’s favourite fantasy, why oh why does it always seem to include a bloody fireman?

Is it that old, worn out cliche about a man in uniform? Because if it is, then why don’t women have crushes on lollipop men, garbage disposal workers, astronauts, or jockeys?

But they don’t, do they? Because it always seems to be firemen who tug at a women’s heartstrings and it’s high time they came up with something a little more original.

(Incidentally, from a guy’s perspective, I don’t think you can beat a dental nurse’s baggy sky blue attire.

There’s just something about it, in a loose casual/chic sort of way.)

But back to the fabled fireman and it’s not as if they are typically rugged, good looking and fit, is it? (After all, there’s many a policeman out there that certainly isn’t.)

Your average fireman, if there is such a thing, might tend to look like a slightly more portly version of David Walliams (as depicted right) whereas what women really want (one must assume) is the chiselled firefighter who whisks them up after they’ve set the chip pan alight and takes them outside to their big red truck to give them a spot of mouth-to-mouth resus- The real deal (even though citation and perhaps a crafty slide this appears to be a bloke down their pole (as depicted in the in a fancy dress costume) ‘action shot’ far right).

Let’s face it, many a woman will also happily buy a firemen calender, whether the funds are going to a worthy charity or they aren’t, containing twelve glossy images of guys with their tops off who far more likely than not are simply male models, yet most women don’t seem to give a damn,

which really is frickin’ annoying, I tell you.

“Oh, but firefighters save people’s lives,” swoons your average lady.

So do doctors, only we men never seem to hear women asking us to dress up in a long white coat and press a stethoscope to their chest and instruct them to take three deep breaths, do we, guys?

What’s also interesting is the fact that if you asked a gaggle of 25-45 year old mums what they’d like their little Johnny or Ralfy to be when they leave school, hardly any of them (not that The Edge has carried out any such research) would mention becoming a firefighter, if any at all.

However, I did bother to take a peek at a fire related website or two, simply to check out why the average woman fantasises about firemen in general so very much, and top of the list is: “They choose to risk their own lives to save others.”

Well, The Edge guesses you can’t argue with that one, although that’s still no reason to go all gooey and weak at the knees over a shiny red helmet and a baggy waterproof illuminous suit, is it?

What The Edge is saying - nay, pleading with all you ladies out there - is to change your bloody tune.

The fact is, firemen have had many a damsel’s goodwill, best intentions, fondest wishes and dampest of This is the sort of fantasy that panties in the locker of their hearts for far too long and it really is high apparently goes on inside time there was a changing of the a lot of women’s heads guard and the rest of us got a look in.

So let’s hear it for blokes who work in retail, IT, or maybe who are Dynarod contractors, and even estate agents, financial advisors, telesales operatives and wet fish sellers too, because we all need to feel sexy and adorable. Rant over!

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SUNSHINE & FRY UPS I recently went on a Stag Do to Benidorm (well, it ended up not being a stag do, but that's a long story). Now I know a lot of you reading this will instantly think of all day breakfasts, mobility scooters and ‘Sticky Vicky’ as soon I said the word Benidorm, and, to be fair, you'd be right. The centre is littered with English themed bars showing old re-runs of ‘Only Fools and Horses’ and selling ‘belly buster’ fry-ups for 3 euros a pop. But come on, what's wrong with that every once in a while?

I know this Mrs Bouquet type woman at work and she recoiled in horror when I told her where I was going for the weekend. She asked me why ever was I going to such a dump. The problem with Benidorm is that people just don't realise what a friendly atmosphere it has.

Everyone is there for cheap booze, a good laugh and a bit of guaranteed sunshine. It's an ideal place for a weekend away with your mates and an opportunity to get away from the modern day middleclass snobbery that’s associated with other holiday resorts, such as Marbella. You won't see any monokini's, loafers with no socks, or champagne spray parties in Benidorm.

Granted I wouldn't choose to have my family holiday there, but you can't argue with the value for money it offers if you did. The flights were under £200, the room was £18 a night, a pint was about

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a quid and the sunshine was free.

The beachfront looks surprisingly nice and eating out offers very decent value for money. The nightlife, especially around the main strip, is lively and caters for everyone, from bars playing house music through to Lionel Ritchie tribute acts. So, in summary, if you can get over the stigma attached to Benidorm and the fact that some parts look like post-war Afghanistan, then I would highly recommend the place, particularly as a possible destination for a stag/hen weekend.

MOVING ON I know they say moving house is one of the most stressful things in life that you can do, but seriously, I had forgotten just how much of an absolute balls ache it is. It wasn’t really the packing and the moving of the boxes that caused the issues (although I am still unpacking 4 weeks later). Far more it was the level of service we received from our conveyancing solicitor and the estate agent. I cannot believe, given the high level of regulation professional’s face in today’s modern world, that estate agents are still allowed to swan around spouting such absolute tripe without any real fear of repercussions. They can choose whether they want to be regulated and will just look to hang their hat on the principal of Caveat Emptor (buyer beware). It’s such a weird concept to be standing in a room that you are contemplating buying for a substantial amount of money and you just

know the bloke in there trying to sell it to you is lying through his teeth. “What’s that water running down the wall over there?

“Oh that? Don’t worry about that, mate. It’s a feature.”

The conveyancing solicitor that we used wasn’t much better either in the sense that they really don’t actually seem to do anything that adds any value. I was shocked when they sent me all of the documents relating to my purchase and then asked me to point out to them any potential legal issues I wanted them to investigate. Don’t get me wrong, but isn’t that what they’re supposed to do? As for completion day itself, there I was, sitting by a lorry with all my worldly goods in the back, waiting for the solicitor to transfer over in excess of half a million quid, but unable to do so because the timing clashed with her lunch break. It’s such an antiquated industry that the idea of being flexible about the timing of their lunch hour would probably make their eyes water.

THE BEAUTIFUL GAME The new football season is once again with us and I couldn’t wait for it to start pretty much as soon as the Euro’s had finished. Don't get me wrong, I love the summer weeks/months and all the joy that they bring, such as days out, pub gardens and delicious barbecues.

But deep down, and I think all football fans will agree, there is always a big part of me that feels as

Billy Hinken though something is definitely missing.

I cannot wait to get back into my Saturday routine of enjoying the anticipation of the day ahead, the beers with my mates, going to the game, supporting my team (whatever the result) and then finishing off the day sat in my favourite armchair in front of ‘Match of the Day’.

I know some of you non-football fans reading this will think that I need to get a life, but unless you are in love with the beautiful game, then you will simply never understand. This season is extra special for me because the mighty Hammers have moved to their new home at the Olympic Park and I will update you in the next few months to tell you what I think of the new place.

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ONLY JOKING! BEAUTY PARLOUR

The wife spent the afternoon in one of those high class beauty parlours the other weekend.

She had one of those mudpacks applied and she honestly really did look great for the whole of the following week. Until it started to crack and fall off, that is.

NOTE ON FRIDGE My wife left a note on the fridge door that said: ‘This simply isn't working. I'm going to my mum's.’

So I opened up the fridge, the light came on, as usual, and all my beers were cold. I'm honestly not sure what she was on about?

TEN TIMES Primary school teacher, Ms Parks, asks her class: "Which body part increases ten times it's size when stimulated?" No one answered until Mary stood up and said: "You should not be asking primary school children a question like that. I'm going to tell my parents and they will tell the head teacher, who will then fire you!"

Ms Parks totally ignored Mary and asked the question once again.

"Boy, she is going to get into big trouble," whispered Mary to her classmates.

But the teacher totally ignored the child and asked, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said: “The body part that increases ten times its natural size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

"Very good, Billy," replied Ms Parks. She then turned to Mary and said, "And as for you, young lady, I have but three things to say: One, you have an incredibly dirty mind. Two, you are a gobby little shite. And three, one day you are going to be very disappointed indeed."

Q&A Q. What do you get if you cross an octopus with a cow?

A. A severe reprimand from the Scientific Integrity & Professional Ethics Committee, not to mention immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

BLAST FROM THE PAST Got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day, completely out of the blue. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together, and I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and perhaps rekindle a little of that long lost magic. "Wow!", I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you these days. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me." She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge. "Yeah," I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a fair few inches wider these days?" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute. "Anyway, I've put on a couple of

pounds myself," she giggled.

So I told her to f ck off.

*

HOLY MOLEY I went to see my doctor as I had a mole on my cock. He said he couldn't do anything for me, but he did mention that if it happens again, he'll report me to the RSPCA.

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS...

Dear John, I hope you can help me? The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car kept stalling and then broke down completely about a mile down the road.

I had to walk back in my high heels to get my husband's help. Only when I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was naked on our bed with the next door neighbour’s daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and our neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.

I urgently need your advice?

Sincerely, Sharon.

Dear Sharon, A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold. It could also be that the fuel pump itself is faulty.

I hope this helps.

John.

HUGE CROCODILE Two blokes are walking along a jungle track in Africa when they spot a huge crocodile ahead of them. As the Croc opens it's mouth they see a man's head sticking out.

One of the blokes says, "Jesus, will you look at that flash bastard. He's got a Lacoste sleeping bag."

FAKING IT? I woke up this morning and said to my wife, "Last night was amazing. Were you faking it?"

"No," she replied, "I really was asleep."

MAYDAY! MAYDAY! An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engined aircraft.

A moment later the tower land-line rang and was answered by one of their employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who had lost communication was on a cellular phone and yelled, "Mayday! Mayday! The pilot has had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket as he’d told me before we took off that he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday! Mayday!

Shit the bed!"

The employee in the tower had immediately put the call on speaker ’phone. "Calm down. We acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down safely. The thing is not to panic. Remain calm."

“Easy for you to say,” remonstrated the passenger/pilot.

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

Passenger: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "OK, that’s good. Remain calm. And how do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?"

Passenger: "I can see that it reads 180mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: OK. That’s great so far. However, it is heavily overcast, so how do you know that you're flying upside down?"

Passenger: “Because the shit in my pants is starting to run out of my shirt collar.”

PREGNANT PERFUME Did you hear about the bottle of perfume that became pregnant?

Apparently Max Factor.

ROBIN HOOD A teacher asks her class, "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?"

Little Paddy raises his hand and says, "Yes, Miss. It's Trudy Glen."

"No, Paddy,” says the Teach. “The answer is Maid Marian."

"But Miss,” says Paddy, “what about the song?”

“What song is that?” asks his teacher.

“Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen..."

GUINNESS There's a knock on Paddy's front door (it’s another Paddy this time). His wife opens it and a policeman says, "Madam, we are sorry to inform you that your husband is no more."

"Oh my god!" she shrieked. "How did it happen?"

The officer says, "He was on a tour of the local brewery when he fell into a large vat of Guinness and drowned."

"Oh no," she replied. "I hope he didn't suffer?"

The officer said, "I wouldn’t have thought so. He got out three times to take a piss."

OVER 70 I asked a doctor friend of mine, "Why don't they give smear tests to women over 70?"

He replied, "Have you ever tried separating a toasted cheese sandwich?"

RESEARCH After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Answer: Nothing.

HOMING PIGEON You can never lose a homing pigeon, because if it doesn’t come back, all it really was is just a pigeon.

FAITHFUL My mum always used to say to me, “Always go for the ugly girls, our Timothy, as that way you know they’ll always remain faithful to you.”

Clearly my mum’s never watched The Jeremy Kyle Show.

I’M NOT SAYING...

I’m not saying my wife is fat, but when a waiter asked her how she’d like her eggs, she said: “Preferably in a cake.”

SAFEST SEATS In the event of a ’plane crash, the rear seats are definitely the safest to be sat in. After all, whoever heard of a pilot reversing into a mountain?

PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, I wailed, “It can’t be mine.”

“Why the hell not?” she cried.

I said, “Because my wife will kill me if she ever finds out.”

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 239_The Edge 172.qxd 25/08/2016 09:39 Page 23

TWO FAMILIES becoming one Blended families are becoming more common as many people are choosing to cohabit. Where children are involved, this could change the dynamics of any household. There is no magic solution to the potential difficulties, but you may want to think about a number of issues when deciding whether to live with someone.

Communication is key!

Talk to your children and address any concerns early on. Keep the children at the heart of the discussions with your ex-partner and discuss your thoughts. If they are supportive, this will help the children immensely and ultimately make things easier for you.

It will be necessary to think about each otherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s expectations and work out how they can be met. Who is caring for the children? Who is collecting the children and where from? Who is spending time with the children during the school holidays? These issues can be resolved far more easily if you think about this in the beginning.

Finances No matter what you have been told, a common law husband or wife does not exist.

You cannot gain spousal rights just by living together. Think about your financial situation if an unpleasant situation arises. What would happen to your assets on separation? What about if one of you dies? If someone is moving in to your property, could they claim an interest? If you are buying a property together, are your interests protected for you and your children? These issues can be regulated with the right legal advice.

It is important to obtain legal advice about the issues you may face in becoming part of a blended family to ensure you and your family are fully protected.

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shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Page 23

The Edge 239_The Edge 172.qxd 25/08/2016 11:04 Page 24

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Each month The Lion House plays host to Essex’s Premiere Comedy Club, with top professional comedians performing at every show.

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Chelmsford Summer Beer Festival raises £10,500 for local charities

Thousands of generous punters dug deep in support of local charities Kids Inspire and Essex Respite & Care Association.

Both charities are incredibly grateful to the festival for the opportunity to not only raise money, but speak with members of the community about their vital work. The charities raised a staggering £5,250 each to enable them to transform more lives throughout Essex.

Kids Inspire will spend their share of the funds on providing one-to-one psychotherapy for complex cases involving trauma and mental health issues. They are the service of choice for such cases in Essex. However, they do not receive any financial support. Kids Inspire therefore rely on fundraising to help these young people achieve a brighter future.

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This was the 38th year of the event, which has become a local institution.

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Page 24

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The Edge 239_The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2016 18:36 Page 25

Another difference is the approach to public image.

Think about the way that the child abuse operation in the UK was conducted entirely in the public eye.

Some of those investigated were totally innocent, but because the press had been briefed they were hung out to dry in the court of public opinion, despite no charges ever being brought. The impression is that the police wanted the public to know they were ‘doing something’ and if anyone got caught in the cross-fire, tough.

There is a great temptation this month to revisit Brexit. That decision, along with the march of the ignorant over here that is likely to result in a Trump victory later this year, still occupies way too much of my time worrying about the future. However, you’re bored of all that, so we’ll move on to something else, although it’s not entirely unrelated.

This month we’re going to look at policing.

This came to mind recently when I noticed that a movement that started here a few years ago has now spread to the UK. In 2013 a local and peaceful demonstration took place after yet another young black man was killed by white police officers and nobody was convicted of wrongdoing. This particular one was in Florida and whether the acquittal was justified or not is not the point here. The words on the demonstrators’ placards and the Twitter hashtag they used somehow morphed into the name of a whole movement. Black Lives Matter.

In summary, BLM now stands against institutional racism and profiling. Although the upshot tends to be different - stop and search in the UK is less deadly than the US version that can end in shots being fired - the aim is the same. That is, to bring to the fore the fact that the police forces of both countries are alleged to be racist.

Now, we’re not going to come down on one side or the other here, but just look at how the police forces in both countries operate.

Evenin’ all

interacting with the locals and just generally trying to fit in. Starbucks would have to downsize considerably without the police’s custom.

It may have changed in the few years that this column has been exiled, although I doubt it, but in the UK that sort of low key and inclusive policing hasn’t been fashionable since Dixon of Dock Green (ask your granddad) was on the TV in the 60s. Since then the UK police has adopted a much more isolationist and elitist approach to its duties. The PCs drive around from trouble to trouble in their cars and that’s that. You only get to speak to them if you are part of that trouble, either as victim or perpetrator.

Here the police seem to do all they can to keep out of the press. The suspicion is that they have been badly treated in the past so now are much more wary and as a result keep the media at arm’s length. An official spokesman will be appointed to talk to the press about any particular incident, but the language used and the information given out will be very guarded.

Now, where are things the same? Well, on both sides of the ocean it seems that the ordinary policeman and woman gets hammered for trying to do their job. Leaving aside the big arguments, it would be remiss not to note that the vast majority of ordinary cops in both the UK and the US appear to be very sensitive to the BLM issue and as such go about their day to day business carefully. They have to weigh up in an instant the pros and cons of any action they take with one of the cons always being - will I be vilified in the press if I do so and so? It’s an unenviable position to be in.

It’s probably TV’s fault. The Sweeney (ask your dad) made it popular for policemen to be hard-nuts and closer to wild west characters than good old There are no conclusions here except to note that George Dixon, and that legacy survives to this day. there’s a difficult job being done very well by most First, the differences. Over here it is a welcome It’s a lot more glamorous zooming around shouting, ordinary policemen and women, and not so well by surprise to come across policemen and women in “You’re nicked, son” to assorted villains than it is others. everyday life. You go into a restaurant for your having a quiet word and keeping potential troublelunch or dinner and there they are too - just having makers on the straight and narrow before they a bite to eat in the community they are serving, Just like any other occupation then. wander.

You can contact Wardo at steveward2000@hotmail.com

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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WMD or WTF?

I think by this point in time we can all agree that not only was the Iraq war as ill-advised as it was poorly executed and that the trumped up justification of toppling Saddam because he was stockpiling weapons of mass destruction was sheer and utter cobblers. Hopefully we can also all agree that Tony Blair is an insufferably smug, self-righteous little sociopath who should have been tried for war crimes as well.

ME & MY adamantium skeleton

The Kingmeister reports He even looks like The Joker Anyway, enough of that. I know my articles have been a bit political of late and as much as being The Edge’s very own version of Billy Bragg appeals to me, I think it’s time I got back to taking the piss out of things and generally being ridiculous. So while this piece may have a political bent, believe me, it’s utterly ridiculous as well.

Remember way back when Iraq War II was about to kick-off? Both the US and UK governments asked their respective security forces, the CIA in America and MI6 in the UK, to gather intelligence that would justify them barging into the Middle East (again) and getting their grubby little hands on all that sweet, sweet oil and those lucrative infrastructure deals? (Sorry, I meant effecting regime change.) The mere fact that they were asking for ‘sexed-up’ dossiers to justify their illegal war should be all you need to know and anyone who still thinks this was anything more than a blatant exercise in Realpolitik is either an idiot or a child.

But it’s what was in the UK dossier that I want to talk about as it definitively proves that both politics and international espionage, much like myself, have no issues with being ridiculous.

In 2002, MI6 presented a report from a source that had ‘unprecedented access’ to Iraq’s WMD manufacturing facilities. Their source described rooms literally bursting at the seams with deadly nerve gas, whilst said nerve gas being stored in a ‘variety of glass containers’.

Now straight away I’m sure most of you are thinking that perhaps the

Pictured: not reality Page 26

best way to store a lethal nerve agent isn’t to put it in a container made of a substance known to break very easily.

So if alarm bells weren’t ringing already, then they should certainly have started when some of the containers were described as ‘linked, hollow beads of glass’. If you’re a film buff, like me, you may recognise that particular design. If you don’t, then I can tell you that it’s identical to how VX nerve gas is stored in the wonderfully bad action film ‘The Rock’, starring Sean Connery, Nicolas Cage and directed

by Michael Bay. But it’s not just me making that connection either. When the Chilcott report was released, which incidentally gave a damning indictment of the war and of that twat Blair’s part it in, they also noted that part of our ‘intelligence’ appeared to have been lifted straight from the script of an action film and MI6 themselves admitted it was a strange coincidence. It unsurprisingly turned out that MI6’s source was, as they say in the spy trade, a liar-liar-pants-onfire who fabricated the whole thing, but by then it was way too late.

Director Michael Bay is known as something of a douche-nozzle and has often been accused of crimes against cinema and good taste. This is the man who gave us racist caricature robots in the Transformers movies, used totally gratuitous shots of Megan Fox’s bottom at every

ing, the lives of hundreds of thousands of people.

I’m not sure what’s more ludicrous really, the fact that a plot point from an action movie was used (and believed) in an official intelligence report, or that everyone involved in pushing for the war are not only walking around free, but are free to enjoy the profits they made from destabilising an entire region, increasing fundamentalist terrorism and murdering lots of people for oil?

GOTTA CATCH ’EM ALL Unless you’ve been living in the depths of the Congo, or been in a medically induced coma for the past couple of months, then you’ll have certainly heard of (and probably played) Pokemon Go! For those of you not in the know (and by ‘you’ I mean our editor), Pokemon Go! is the latest entry into the already wildly popular Pokemon series of games where you catch a variety of sickeningly cute monsters to train them up and make them fight other players’ sickeningly cute monsters.

It’s kind of like owning a Gladiator school and throwing your slaves into death-pits for your own amusement, only cuter.

They obviously thought this was from the Financial Times

OK, we’ll forgive Bay that opportunity and made the heroic Optimus Prime, the evil Megatron and all the Transformers, look like someone had just chucked a box of scrap metal at a magnet. Crimes against cinema are one thing, but I’m sure even Mr Bay wouldn’t want to be even tangentially responsible for helping to kick-start an unjust war that has cost, and is still cost-

my girlfriend and the kids absolutely love it, so I’ve become something of a Pokemon expert almost by osmosis. Almost everyone at work seems to be playing it too and the support team are even fielding calls on the Helpdesk from people asking why they can’t get it working on their ’phones. Now while I don’t agree with anything that gives people even more of an excuse to constantly stare at their ’phones while they stumble obliviously down the road and get in my way, I do have to admit its use of GPS is an impressive innovation, and while I’m not interested myself, I can see why so many people love it.

In fact, people love it so much that over the course of a week, there were so many shares bought in Nintendo that their stock price rose by over 50%. They gained a billion dollars a day and made 10 billion dollars in a single week! The only slight problem with this is that Nintendo didn’t actually make the game. It got so bad that a Nintendo spokesman actually had to remind everyone that, while all this free money was great, they should probably be buying shares in the Pokemon Company and Ninantic, the people who actually made the game in the first place.

You can see why the confusion arose though, considering that whenever the game starts it shows, oh hang on, no...it clearly shows the game as being made by the Pokemon Company and Ninantic and doesn’t mention Nintendo anywhere. A more uncharitable person than myself might say that the legions of Pokemon Go! players are obviously idiots who need the complexities of the stock market (e.g. buying shares in the right company for starters) explained in simple terms of Squirtles and Pikachus.

“My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, and I will have my vengeance in this life or the next!”

I’m not playing it myself (much), but

What’s even more ridiculous is the fact that once Nintendo made their statement their stock price plummeted by 30%, which the eagle-eyed amongst you may notice is a fall of 20% less than it rose by. Essentially the Pokemon playing public gave Nintendo Scrooge McDuck piles of money by mistake and then decided they were going to let them keep loads of it anyway.

I’ve recently started dabbling in the stock market myself, after being given shares in my company, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that something similar happens to our stock. Somehow I can’t see any construction company making a popular ’phone-app though, so I don’t think retirement is on the horizon any time soon.

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 239_The Edge 172.qxd 25/08/2016 09:39 Page 27

Stoke by Nayland to host 20th Faldo Series Grand Final Stoke by Nayland Hotel, Golf & Spa has been announced as the host venue for the 20th Faldo Series Grand Final in October 2016. The competition will run over 3 days from 11/10 - 13/10 on the exquisite Gainsborough championship golf course at

this multi award-winning resort on the Essex/Suffolk border. The venue has experience in regularly hosting international, televised PGA and European Senior tour events.

"Stoke by Nayland will host a brilliant and memorable Faldo Series Grand Final,” says six-time major winner Sir Nick Faldo. “It is very pleasing that we can offer such a stunning opportunity for these young stars in our twentieth year. I must emphasise our appreciation to the R&A, the European Tour, IJGA, the PGA of America and the PGA, all of whom have offered tremendous support to the series over the years.

“The directors and all the team at Stoke by Nayland are thrilled to welcome some of the best young golfers from around the world.”

Susanna Rendall, MD of the family-owned resort comments, “We’re extremely proud to

be working together with the series. Sir Nick has been a leading light in providing opportunities to young people through golf for so many years and we’re keen to aid his effort.

We hope the players will enjoy the experience of the Gainsborough course and their stay with us in beautiful Constable Country.”

Sir Nick will run clinics throughout the week, sharing his knowledge from over 35 years of playing at the highest level. He will be watching the competition with keen interest and offering his insight to the young players. The PGA will be on hand, amongst many other experts, to advise players during the week on the many career paths within the game of golf.

Faldo’s personal coach Keith Wood will also be in attendance and available to share his expertise.

Recognised as the only global amateur series for boys and girls, the Faldo Series was established in 1996 and expanded to Asia ten years later.

Today, 40 Faldo Series tournaments take place in 30-plus countries worldwide, touching thousands of golfers each year. Past winners include Major Champions Tseng Ya-ni and Rory McIlroy, who took his tally of professional major titles to four with his wins at the 2014 Open Championship and US PGA Championship.

For more information on the Faldo Series visit www.nickfaldo.com. You can also follow the Faldo Series on Facebook at www.facebook.com/faldoseries and on Twitter at www.twitter.com/faldoseries.

Complimentary goodie bag for all new couples!

W

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The Edge 077 646 797 44

Page 27

The Edge 239_The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2016 18:37 Page 28

Motors, Vans and Goldfish

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs . . .

NOW HIRING: Join us or die!

Stormtroopers needed asap. Must have Deathstar experience. PO Box: TK421

1988 NOVA: Turbo Nutter Bastard, Cheat Mode Activated,

Pets & Family Camping

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PATRICK MOWER WASNâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;T ALWAYS A SAD OLD PERV

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Patrick Mower wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t always Emmerdale lothario Rodney Blackstock, you know. Absolutely not. He was once the â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;next best thingâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; as an up and coming young actor in a police series called Special Branch alongside the pitted-faced George Sewell between 1969-1974.

The pair worked in the anti-espionage/anti-terrorism dept. at the Met and they would certainly have their hands full these days if the series was ever recommissioned.

The show was slow to take off, so the producers introduced Mower as Detective Chief Inspector Tom Haggerty to play alongside Chief Inspector Alan Craven (Sewell), whilst The Good Lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Paul Eddington was also introduced as Strand, a man from the Ministry who was a bit of a toffeenosed civil servant pen-pusher.

Look it up and youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll understand why Patrick Mower hasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t always been a sleazy sad old ponytailed perv.

CRAZY MONEY The world of football has gone crazier than it ever was with the ÂŁ89million buy-back transfer of a player Manchester United let go but a few seasons ago for tuppence haâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;penny (nice work, Sir Alex).

This publication is old enough to remember the British record transfer fee, in its day, of ÂŁ220,000 for Alan Ball to move from Everton to Arsenal in December 1971.

So let us ask you, have your wages increased over four-hundred-fold over the past 45 years?

No, The Edgeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s havenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t either.

It is simply crazy money. Crazy.

There is no other word to describe it.

BALLOON SCULPTURES

A caravan of sorts Every year there is a day at the Ford Engineering Centre at Dunton where employees can bring along any interesting vehicles they own to show them to their workmates, reports Lengthy-Boyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Dad. A guy called Phil Collins (yes, really) brought along what must be one of the most â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;unusual caravansâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; in the world - an old four-seater Cessna aeroplane with its wings cut off!

The original dashboard and joy sticks were still fitted, only you sit in the back seats as the front ones have been replaced by a table. Behind the cockpit is a door leading to the original luggage compartment, which has now been converted into a bedroom.

When the cover over the nose of the aircraft is lifted, there is now a water tank, a battery and a fold-out sink for doing the dishes.

Phil tows the whole thing with his 1966 Ford Pick-Up truck, which like the 'caravan' was absolutely immaculate. The truck has a 60's style American pushbike mounted in the loadspace an you can almost hear Beach Boys music playing when it rolls up!

Page 28

Arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t these balloon sculptures terrific?

They look just like the real thing, right?

OK, well maybe not....but they are a work of art and no glue or sealant is used in their creation by some twenty-six year old Japanese chap called Masayoshi Matsumoto (or Sumo for short). â&#x20AC;&#x153;Each one of my creations takes at least two hours to complete,â&#x20AC;? says Sumo. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Some take six hours. I started making them seven years ago (didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t he just say they take between two to six hours to complete?) and I am completely self taught.â&#x20AC;?

So how do you waste your own valuable time, readers?

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 239_The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2016 18:37 Page 29

MOTCO

Man on the Clapham Omnibus S M U G

As long serving Edge columnist Steve Ward mentioned in last month’s issue, our articles are written well in advance of publication. I am writing this piece at what is probably referred to as the peak of summer. We are in mid-August and there are seats on the trains, spaces in the overpriced car-park at the station, less workers on the streets, as well as plenty of those ‘less’ standing outside city pubs. That air of ‘Sod it, it’s August, and who works in August?’ is heavy in the air, the sun is performing as it should and the temperature is unusually lovely.

People now fall into three groups; those who have been on holiday, those waiting their turn in the very near future, and those for who there is still a bit of a wait. To sum up: had it, close to getting it and dreaming of it. At the time of writing my Thompson holiday countdown app is telling me that Tenerife is 30 degrees and that I still have 44 days to go. Mrs Mott, for some reason best unknown, decided that we would forgo the annual tweed throwing festival and rave in Lerwick for some sunshine instead.

For those lucky enough to take an annual holiday away from sunny Chelmsford, the holiday periods also work loosely in line with the above ‘it’ titles.

Had it: You would have got the bargain of the year, a nice early bird deal that the travel companies use to fill up quotas and flights and lure you in by advertising Spain from just £199 all inclusive with that little asterisk at the end. Click said asterisk and you are told that this is for holidays taken 2nd to 15th of May and flying from East Midlands airport at 3.00am. Well, that will suit somebody and one can take a chance on the weather being kind to deliver you some family sized value. Trouble is, as smug as you can be at your good fortune come June, when the early signs of summer start to appear, all you have is a fading tan and an enlarged credit card bill. There will also be lots of people endlessly going on that they have just 44 days ’til their holiday blah blah. ‘Had it’ person is also listening to them whilst eating a super value lunch meal deal because he is post holiday broke.

the school year and each day will bring the annual challenge that allegedly is the most relaxing two weeks of the year closer still.

These people will also be sick of hearing about the June and early July holidaymakers who have just had the same holiday they are looking forward to, but at half-the-price. Yes, you have children and/or a job that only permits holidays to be taken in the school calendar, which the travel companies make you pay a premium for, not just through the nose, but through every orifice humanly possible. It’s supply and demand, they proclaim, and the Daily Mail gets on its very high horse about it. And they’re probably eating cous cous or a ‘Med Veg’ wrap for lunch to get themselves in the mood for it.

Dreaming of it: This lot are the worst group of all and the smugometer must be set to maximum, simply because everyone else has had it, enjoyed it, and probably regretted it in parts, but it’s all in the past. Reminders are mainly financial and come in the form of credit card bills for those impetuous purchases and souvenir photographs, and that brand new definitely made in Morocco (not China) ‘genuine leather’ wallet is as empty as a thirsty man’s glass. The doomongers are also now proclaiming that the nights are drawing in, it’s getting chilly in the evenings, but most of all they will be harking to the fact that it is only a couple of months to that other big spending event we see looming just over the darkening horizon. Yes, we may be in early September, but that tired, pale looking man, weary from that extended unbroken period of career enhancing work (really?) and life in general (definitely) is smiling against all the odds. His glass is full with Caribbean rum and coke, he is smug, and such smugness says it all, because he is dreaming of it. For he is a man that has just checked his Thompson holiday app which says only15 days to go, sunny and 28 degrees.

Yours insufferably close to thinking up October’s Edge column in the sun.

Yours aye,

Meanwhile the Getting close to it brigade will be, by mid-July/early-August, driving everyone mad. Their children will be on the home straight to finishing

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The Edge 239_The Edge 172.qxd 25/08/2016 09:40 Page 30

HOW CAN I ASSIST YOU? It is often said that a woman's work is never done, but the days of cooking, cleaning and picking up after everyone may fortunately be coming to an end.

A recent government ‘futurologist’ (yeah, I know, who invented that title?) says robots are going to be the next big thing and every home will have one by 2040.

Amazon and Matalan (yes, you did read that right) are at the forefront of bringing one to every home.

Robots will take care of all of the drudgery. Dr Ian Pearson reckons that technology is now so advanced that a robot will be able to cook our dinner, empty the rubbish, load the dishwasher and the washing machine, allowing us more time to ‘be human’ ourselves.

TOTALLY TRACIE GOLD & GREEN

So did you watch the Brazilian Olympics and feel just a little bit smug? I have to admit, I was never into the Olympics until I accidentally found myself propelled into a VIP box at the opening night ceremony in Stratford, clutching a Big Mac, just as Victoria Beckham stopped dead in front of me on top of a black taxi, pretending to sing and gave me a look that said: “I'd kill for a bite of that”….but that’s a whole other story!

But no one does it quite like us, right?

I mean, what did you expect from the Maracana Stadium in Rio? After all, Britain gave the world Queen, Bond, Bowie, Mr Bean, Tubular Bells and the Internet.

What has Brazil ever contributed, apart from a waxing procedure that involves a scalping of the nether regions, the world's highest paid supermodel and a nut? Even Pele called in sick. The pool turned green and Gisele Bundchen lost her balance whilst sashaying down the catwalk.

But then it really started and we were shown opening scenes of ‘City and Nature’ living side by side. That was until a jaguar got loose and was shot dead and the (low emission) torch procession had to step over the poor thing.

Then we stared at a drawing of a tree, which was probably the only one left as the rest of the Rain Forest had been brutal: hacked down. Some guy sang on a guitar out of tune, and then the theme became clear: woe betide ‘The Perils of Global Warming’. Call me cynical, but wasn't it Brazil who started all this global nonsense, hacking down trees and giving the likes of Sting the opportunity to jump on his soap box, along with Paul Simon (no, you Silly Billy’s, the singer Paul Simon, not the chap in the Curtain Shop in Chelmsford!).

And then Team GB walked out with Andy Murray who for once was smiling and it was electric. We showed them we had come to do business and the crowd went wild. We looked amazing. At the time of writing we have clocked up 50 medals so far (19 Gold, 19 Silvers and 12 Bronze). That is some achievement for a tiny island, whilst 20 years ago in 1996 we came home with just 1 Gold from the Atlanta Olympics. Lottery Funding has been amazing and seen us change from being a joke to producing some truly world class athletes. Makes you proud to be British. I wonder if we can persuade the Lottery Fund to take over the running of the England football team, and whilst they’re at it, maybe our Eurovision Song Contest entrants too?

Page 30

Him Indoors laughed when I told him about this wonderful futuristic life. “So you’re telling me I can drop my clothes on the floor and find them cleaned and ironed and put back in my wardrobe then?” he scoffed. Then he thought for a moment and said, “But you do that for me anyway, so why would I waste money on a bloody robot?” All I can say is he wished he’d had a ‘robot chef’ that night as it cost him £40 quid on pizzas to be delivered and a night in the spare room!

FLOSS & GO

Do you remember the adverts for flossing and that smug custard with the diamond white smile? And who can ever forget the famous scene in ‘Pretty Woman’ when she’s embarrassed about flossing her teeth?

We were brought up on the drivel “only floss the teeth you want to keep’. Well, it’s all rubbish, apparently, and flossing can do more harm than good. So I did a bit of research (it was a quiet day) and came across some other things that we really don't need and are nothing but a bit of a con.

1. Bottled Water. We have the best filtration system in the world, whilst plastic bottles create more damage to the environment than any so called health properties of bottled water.

2. Multivitamins. No one has died in the UK from any vitamin deficiency since 1956.

3. Extended Warranties. The Consumer Rights Act 2015 protects you in the majority of cases.

4. Fabric Conditioner. Today’s soap powders have inbuilt softeners.

5. Shampooing twice. A marketing ploy to use up more shampoo. It actually dries and damages your hair.

These so called ‘essentials’ of modern living ‘must haves’ are designed to make us think we will be healthy, wealthier and wiser if we buy, but we simply don't need any of them.

I grew up being made to eat my vegetables, and the reason our television never wore out or needed any warranty is because my mum only allowed it be used for ‘best’. In fact, back in the day, everything was kept for ‘best’.

And were we happier kids?

I should say so.

Tracie123@aol.com

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