The Best
Jokes Of All Time
Tom van Lezzard 1st Edition
Copyright © 2010 by Tom van Lezzard
This eBook is brought to you by Success Blog. “The best JOKES of all time” is licensed on a creative commons license:
LIMIT OF LIABILITY/DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTY: This eBook is provided as-is with no representations or warranties, either express or implied, including, but not limited to, implied warranties of merchantability, fitness for a particular purpose and no infringement. The author of this book is neither responsible nor liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, consequential, special, exemplary and punitive or other damages arising out of or relating in any way to this book and/or its content or information contained within it. By using the information made available in this book you agree to take full responsibility of your actions. You also agree to use the information according to the laws and regulations of your jurisdiction.
Best
Jokes of all Time
DIRECTORY CHAPTER 1 .............................................................................................. 4 The Best Jokes Ever..................................................................................................................... 4 CHAPTER 2 .............................................................................................. 9 Funny Jokes .................................................................................................................................... 9 CHAPTER 4 ............................................................................................ 17 Best Blonde Jokes....................................................................................................................... 17 Dumb Blond Jokes ...................................................................................................................... 24 CHAPTER 5 ............................................................................................ 29 Best Chuck Norris Jokes / Top Chuck Norris Facts ........................................................ 29 CHAPTER 6 ............................................................................................ 33 Best Redneck Jokes ................................................................................................................... 33 CHAPTER 7 ............................................................................................ 37 Best Sarcastic Jokes .................................................................................................................. 37 CHAPTER 8 ............................................................................................ 40 Short Hilarious Jokes ................................................................................................................. 40 CHAPTER 9 ............................................................................................ 44 Business Jokes ............................................................................................................................. 44 CHAPTER 10 .......................................................................................... 51 Best Bar Jokes ............................................................................................................................. 51
The Best Jokes Ever
CHAPTER 1 4| Page
The Best Jokes of All Time
CHAPTER 1 The Best Jokes Ever
The Best Jokes Ever The Best Joke of All Time: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
The Best Jokes Ever #1 A guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the same guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he reappears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the hell are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
CHAPTER 1 The Best Jokes of All Time Page |5
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an a**hole when you're drunk." The Best Jokes Ever #2 A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle and he is approached by an officer from the fisheries board. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"? The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring him down here everyday and let him go for a swim. He swims across the river and back". "Bullshit" the officer replies. So the man places the turtle in the water and says "watch this". The turtle swims out and the two men are standing there waiting. Ten minutes goes past and the officer says "well where's the turtle". The man replies - "what turtle"?
CHAPTER 1 6| Page
The Best Jokes of All Time
The Best Jokes Ever #3 A man gets plastic surgery to look younger (he's 46 years old). After the surgery is done, he's really impressed with the way he looks. As he walks home he stops by a newspaper stand, buys the paper, and asks the guy "How old do you think i am?" The guy replies with "Hmm.. 35?" The man feels really happy and says "Well actually im 46" Then he stops by a butcher shop, buys some meat, and asks the guy "How old do you think i am?" The man says "24?" Again, the guy feels really happy and says "Actually im 46". He stops at a bus stop and sees an old lady (about 80 years old) and asks her "How old do you think i am?" She says "Well, my eyesight is very week but when i was a kid, there was a way to know a mans exact age just by putting my hand in your pants and playing with your 'weenie' for 15 mins" So the man says "Sure, go for it" So she does, and after 15 mins she says "Your 46" The man replies "WOW! THAT WAS AMAZING HOW'D YOU KNOW?!" The old lady laughs and says "I was behind you at the butcher shop"
The Best Jokes Ever #4 Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'. The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-
CHAPTER 1 The Best Jokes of All Time Page |7
hung, male stripper." Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says, "Oh my God..."
The Best Jokes Ever #5 A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
The Best Jokes Ever #6 A married couple went to a restaurant to grab a bite to eat. The waiter asks "Can i take your order sir?" He replies " Yes, i'll have the steak cooked...rare" "But what about the mad cow?" said the waiter. He says "Well...She can order for herself"
Funny Jokes
CHAPTER 2 The Best Jokes of All Time Page |9
CHAPTER 2 Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes Funny Jokes #1 A Husband and his wife are traveling by car from their hometown to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the
CHAPTER 2 10 | P a g e
The Best Jokes of All Time
man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for photographing my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have." Funny Jokes #2 A woman brings eight-year-old Timmy home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Tommy's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about these games at that age.� "Curious about these games?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!" Funny Jokes #3 A little boy is standing around eating candy when a stranger walked up to him and said, "You know, eating all that candy isn't good for your health." The little boy replied, "My Grandfather lived to be 95 years old." "Did he eat a lot of candy as well?" the stranger asked. "No," said the little boy, "But he minded his own business." Funny Jokes #4
CHAPTER 2 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 11
Two muffins are in the oven. One muffin looks at the other and says, "It is really hot in here, isn´t it?" The second muffin looks over and says, "HOLY!!! There is a talking muffin in the oven!" Funny Jokes #5 The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles. One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?" Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks." After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?" Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Nothing special... What about yourself?" The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some person in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say." Funny Jokes #6 I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said: “I just accidentally reversed into your car. Quite a few people saw me do it. They think I'm leaving my name and details. … Well, I'm not.”
CHAPTER 2 The Best Jokes of All Time
12 | P a g e
Funny Jokes #7 This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees South.
Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians:
Negative. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the U.S. Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians:
This is a Canadian lighthouse! Your call!
CHAPTER 2 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 13
Funny Jokes #8 Teacher:
If I gave you two rabbits , and another two rabbits and another two, how many will you have?
Johnny:
Seven Sir
Teacher:
No, listen carefully. If I gave you two rabbits , and another two rabbits and another two, how many will you have?
Johnny:
Seven
Teacher:
Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many will you have?
Johnny:
Six.
Teacher:
Good. Now if I gave you two rabbits , and another two rabbits and another two, how many will you have?
Johnny:
Seven!!!
Teacher:
Where do you get seven from?!?
Johnny:
Because I have already one at home!!
CHAPTER 2 14 | P a g e
The Best Jokes of All Time
Funny Jokes #8 A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?". Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?" So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony, I'm gonna come out there with the Pope." About 30 minutes later, sure enough, the pope walks out onto the balcony and looks down at the people below. Next to him is Benny, waving to the crowd. He looks down and waves at his Buddy, who suddenly drops to the ground, unconscious. Benny runs out of the building to his friend, "Hey mate, are you okay!?" slapping him to wake him up. His buddy opens his eyes, still dizzy and says to Benny "I can believe you knew that person at the bar... I accept that you know the President of the United States by accident, and I can accept you know the pope..., but when the two of you came out there, and the guy next to me said "Who is that dude next to Benny?"... I just couldn´t take it anymore."
CHAPTER 2 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 15
Best Blonde Jokes
CHAPTER 3 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 17
CHAPTER 3 Best Blonde Jokes
Best Blonde Jokes Best Blonde Jokes #1 A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, shehad cleaned 43 restrooms.
Best Blonde Jokes #2 There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles,
CHAPTER 3 18 | P a g e
The Best Jokes of All Time
ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
Best Blonde Jokes #3 Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
Best Blonde Jokes #4 A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, 1. "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!" 2. "Good thing that cows don't fly."
Best Blonde Jokes #5 There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between
CHAPTER 3 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 19
the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00. The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
Best Blonde Jokes #6 A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor. “You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a eart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!�
CHAPTER 3 20 | P a g e
The Best Jokes of All Time
Best Blonde Jokes #7 A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
CHAPTER 3 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 21
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
Best Blonde Jokes #8 A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!" Best Blonde Jokes #9 A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section. The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to
CHAPTER 3 22 | P a g e
The Best Jokes of All Time
move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss. "I told her first class isn't going to Detroit." Best Blonde Jokes #10 Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came down and killed my new kitty". Next they passed a little boy who was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy, why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came down and killed my new puppy."
CHAPTER 3 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 23
Then they passed a blonde sitting on the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up!!"
Best Blonde Jokes #11 This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
CHAPTER 3 The Best Jokes of All Time
24 | P a g e
Dumb Blond Jokes
Dumb Blond Jokes Dumb Blond Jokes #1 Question:
If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer:
The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!
Dumb Blond Jokes #2 The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. "Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!" Dumb Blond Jokes #3 Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger. First Blonde: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Second Blonde: Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down! Dumb Blond Jokes #4 A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied:
CHAPTER 3 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 25
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer." Dumb Blond Jokes #5 A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling, "You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!" Dumb Blond Jokes #6 A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump. Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet." Then the redhead said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
CHAPTER 3 26 | P a g e
The Best Jokes of All Time
Dumb Blond Jokes #7 A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country. After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157." The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?" Dumb Blond Jokes #8 A blonde and two brunettes escape from jail. They found a farmhouse which they got into to hide from the cops, inside the farmhouse there were three potato sacks. Each one of them got into a potato sack. Then two cops came to the farmhouse, one went in while the other waited outside. The one who went in saw the sacks and said "Hey there's nothing but three potato sacks in here"
CHAPTER 3 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 27
The policemen in the outside replied saying: "Well just kick them to make sure the girls aren´t hiding in them" So he kicks the first one with a brunette in it, and she says "Meowww" So the cop said "It´s just a cat" Then he kicked the second one with the second brunette hiding in it, so she says "WOOF!" so the cop says "Its just a dog" Then he kicks the one with the blonde in, and she says "POTATOS!"
Best Chuck Norris Jokes --Top Chuck Norris Facts--
CHAPTER 4 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 29
CHAPTER 4 Best Chuck Norris Jokes / Top Chuck Norris Facts
Chuck Norris Jokes The Best Chuck Norris Jokes #1 Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac速 at Burger King速 and got one. The Best Chuck Norris Jokes #2 Chuck Norris doesn't need Twitter速, he is already following you! The Best Chuck Norris Jokes #3 Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there. The Best Chuck Norris Jokes #4 Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to. The Best Chuck Norris Jokes #5 When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
CHAPTER 4 30 | P a g e
The Best Jokes of All Time
The Best Chuck Norris Jokes #6 A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. The Best Chuck Norris Jokes #7 There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. The Best Chuck Norris Jokes #8 When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors. The Best Chuck Norris Jokes #9 If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you The Best Chuck Norris Jokes #10 Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head. The Best Chuck Norris Jokes #11 If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
CHAPTER 4 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 31
The Best Chuck Norris Jokes #12 Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris. The Best Chuck Norris Jokes #13 Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it. The Best Chuck Norris Jokes #14 Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Best Redneck Jokes
CHAPTER 5 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 33
CHAPTER 5 Best Redneck Jokes
Redneck Jokes Best Redneck Jokes #1 Two rednecks were walking down a path. One of them was carrying a sack of chicken over his shoulder. Suddenly one of them asks the other (with his redneck slang voice), “If I guess how many chickens you have in your bag, can I have one of them?" The other one says, "Sure if you can guess how many I have, I´ll give you both of them." The other one replies, “Umm, .... I think you´ve got five!" Best Redneck Jokes #1 Bubba's teacher asked him the difference between his age and his Brother's age. "Well, mamma told me last year that mah brother is 1 year older than me..." he answered. "So, accordin to mah calculation, this year we must both be the same age!"
CHAPTER 5 34 | P a g e
The Best Jokes of All Time
Best Redneck Jokes #1 Three rednecks appeared on a Quiz show - Jim-bob, Bubba and Hank. Somehow they made it to the final question worth $50,000. The TV host said to Jim-Bob, "I will sing a song, leave 1 word out. You must say the word and spell it ...Here it is - Old McDonald had a ....? Jim-bob answers, "Cow, I spell it - C-O-W." The host says, "You spelled cow right, but that ain't the right word." "Ok Bubba, now your turn", says the Quiz master, "Old MacDonald had a ...?" Bubba answers, "Pig and I spell it P-I-G." The host grimaces, "Well, again like Jim-bob, you spelled it right, but it wasn't the answer I'm looking for." "Well Hank, for the 50,000 dollar question, Old McDonald had a ‌?" Hank yells out "Farm!" The TV host gets excited and says, "Excellent Hank, now please spell it." Hank answers - "E-I-E-I-O"
CHAPTER 5 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 35
Best Redneck Jokes #1 A professor at W.Virginia University is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic." "But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Sheeyit..... From back there it sounded like you said 'goats'".
Best Sarcastic Jokes
CHAPTER 6 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 37
CHAPTER 6 Best Sarcastic Jokes
Best Sarcastic Jokes Best Sarcastic Jokes #1 I'll never forget the first time we met.... all though I'll keep trying... Best Sarcastic Jokes #2 Tom was in love with Michelle. They had been seeing each other for almost a year, but Tom was a paranoid affluent man. He was worried about rumors going around about Michelle, and how she was a golddigger. Tom had his share of golddiggers, lustful for money, and power. So when Tom called Michelle one afternoon, he suddenly asked her if it was true that she was a golddigger. Michelle paused for a moment, then brightly replied yes. Tom insulted her and hung up. Michelle, distraught and hurt, put down the phone. Her manager yelled at her, and she picked up the mallet beside her. She walked slowly into the mine weeping and angerly golddigging all day.
CHAPTER 6 38 | P a g e
The Best Jokes of All Time
Best Sarcastic Jokes #3 A teenage boy and his grandfather were fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The boy acknowledges this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around today. The teen says, "Gramps, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with too many kids when you were young did they?" The grandfather replies, "Nope." The teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for birth control?" The old guy replies, "A wedding ring."
Short Hilarious Jokes
CHAPTER 7 40 | P a g e
The Best Jokes of All Time
CHAPTER 7 Short Hilarious Jokes
Short Hilarious Jokes Short Hilarious Jokes #1 A husband was having an affair. His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it. Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having an affair in his office. Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous. Short Hilarious Jokes #2 What is a gentleman? A by-product of six generations of well breeding, or one good estimate at the stock market. Short Hilarious Jokes #3
Who is a lecturer? Someone who talks to you in your sleep. Short Hilarious Jokes #4 What is adultery? Wrong people doing the right thing.
CHAPTER 7 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 41
Short Hilarious Jokes #5 Husband: Sweetheart, would you say that I'm the only man you've ever loved? Wife: Of course you are! Why do all men ask me the same silly question? Short Hilarious Jokes #6 A man writing in his diary: I am an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison. Short Hilarious Jokes #7 Cop (to a little boy): Which of the 2 men fighting in the street is your father? Boy: I don't really know. That's what they're fighting about.
Short Hilarious Jokes #8 Patient: I think I suffer from memory loss, Doc. Doctor: I see and how long do you think you've had this problem? Patient: What problem?
CHAPTER 7 42 | P a g e
The Best Jokes of All Time
Short Hilarious Jokes #9 A rude tourist was looking at paintings in a museum. He didn't find anything interesting and turned to the attendant while pointing to a large frame. Tourist: (making an ugly face) Is this what you call art? Attendant: No sir, this is what we call a mirror.
Business Jokes
CHAPTER 8 44 | P a g e
The Best Jokes of All Time
CHAPTER 8 Business Jokes
Business Jokes The Best Business Jokes #1 An organization is like a tree full of monkeys... All are on different limbs,... at different levels,... some are climbing up, others climbing down. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a**holes.
The Best Business Jokes #2 Staff: “A little. What’s wrong sir?” Manager: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.” Staff: “How did you load the sheet?” Manager: “I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”
CHAPTER 8 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 45
The Best Business Jokes #3 The Ten Commandments Of Employment 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
If If If If If If If If If If
it rings, put it on hold. it clunks, call the repairman. it whistles, ignore it. it's a friend, stop work and chat. it's the boss, look busy. it talks, take notes. it's handwritten, type it. it's typed, copy it. it's copied, file it. it's Friday, forget it!
The Best Business Jokes #4 A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
CHAPTER 8 46 | P a g e
The Best Jokes of All Time
The Best Business Jokes #5 Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
The Best Business Jokes #6 Many years ago, a large American shoe company sent two sales representatives out to different parts of the Australian outback to see if they could drum up some business among the Aborigines. Some time later, the company received telegrams from both agents. The first said, "No business here... natives don't wear shoes." The second one said, "Great opportunity here... natives don't wear shoes!"
CHAPTER 8 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 47
The Best Business Jokes #7 Two construction workers always noticed that their boss always left early on Fridays. So one asked the other that if the boss left early next Friday if he would want to also. The other man agreed. Sure enough, when Friday came, the boss left early. Therefore, the two men left also. The one offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to just head on home. When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs. When he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the noise was coming from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss sleeping with his wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed back down the stairs and out the front door. He made his way down to the bar to see if his friend was still there and he was. His friend asked, "I thought you were headed home?" The man replied, "I did, but this is the last time I ever leave work early again." His friend asked, "Why's that?" The man replied, "I almost got caught by the boss."
CHAPTER 8 48 | P a g e
The Best Jokes of All Time
The Best Business Jokes #8 A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless." The man below says: "You must be in management." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
CHAPTER 8 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 49
Bar Jokes
CHAPTER 9 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 51
CHAPTER 9 Best Bar Jokes
Best Bar Jokes The Best Bar Jokes #1 A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
The Best Bar Jokes #2 A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
CHAPTER 9 52 | P a g e
The Best Jokes of All Time
The Best Bar Jokes #3 There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor." The Best Bar Jokes #4 There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're drunk, Superman."
The Best Bar Jokes #5 One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove
CHAPTER 9 The Best Jokes of All Time P a g e | 53
off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
The Best Bar Jokes #6 One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!" So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again." The Best Bar Jokes #7 A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to
CHAPTER 9 54 | P a g e
The Best Jokes of All Time
the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?". Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?" So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope." So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" he goes "No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny!"